Missions
by Zaney HacknSlash
Summary: A series of errands Hakkai and Gojyo run for Sanzo during the three years between when they first meet and when Saiyuki begins, the obstacles they face, including learning to live with each other and understanding the bond between them.
1. Chapter 1

**I feel like this first one is a little rough, but I wanted to write something sort of fun and fast-paced. Enjoy.**

Mission One

Quite a Life

"Shit, this sucks." He huffed.

I looked over at him. He had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and I saw beads of sweat forming on his forehead and cheeks. The wind was blowing his hair back in peaceful streams of bright red, and his red eyes were sparks of intensity. His mouth was drawn back, scars shimmering when he spoke. I was getting used to his coarse manner of speaking and his crude behavior.

"Mm. It is rather inconvenient." I said quietly, and I could just barely muster what might be mistaken for a typical smile.

"Inconvenient? Really, Hakkai? That's how you wanna' describe this?" Gojyo mounted a chunky boulder jutting out of the mountain slop, long legs pulling him over it easily.

I jaunted up the boulder myself, but I felt anything but energetic.

"It's cold up here." He complained, pulling his brown jacket a little tighter about himself and taking a sharp drag off his cigarette. "The wind is freezing."

"We're in the mountains—it tends to be colder at this high altitude. Also, generally, one tends to wear warmer clothes when they know they're going to be hiking up into the mountains. Thicker coats are helpful." I smiled politely at him, slipping my hands into my padded, down coat.

Gojyo glared at me. That glare, I was learning, was almost as commonplace as that mischievous grin. I saw it often; mostly when I lectured him or teased him or made a joke at his expense or won playing cards against him…

Come to think of it, I saw that glare when I did most anything. At first, I had thought I was truly annoying him, that he might even be angry with me, but it hadn't taken long to realize Gojyo was fairly laidback. I believe I'd learned that before I was even well enough to move from his bed on my own, and it hadn't changed since. I couldn't begin to imagine what atrocity I'd have to commit in order to honestly upset him.

I was a fairly laidback man myself. Oh, I had my bouts of impatience, certainly, but they were rare, and I was good at saying the right thing at the right time. We could likely go years without me ever actually angering him.

"Even if it were a mild, summer day I wouldn't wanna' do this." He told me brusquely. "Running errands for Sanzo sucks; why did we agree to do another one?"

"Is it really so bad?" I asked absently.

Gojyo was all too willing to explain to me exactly why it really was that bad, but mostly he just complained about Sanzo. They never did get along, since the day they first came face to face, though I couldn't quite understand what it was about each other that disgusted them so much.

Then again, I hadn't known either of them very long. Gojyo and I had known each other approximately five months, and I'd known Sanzo just a little over half that time. I didn't know either of them that well.

Yet here I was, climbing the mountain with one of them, running a potentially hazardous errand for the other. How had my life come to be this way?

_It seems like just yesterday I was drinking tea and laughing with Kanan._

It had probably been almost six months since they'd taken her from me. I could hardly stand to think about that blurry stretch of time, and considering the last moment I'd seen her in our home was undeniably painful

To get my mind off it, I focused on the present, even if that meant listening intently to what Gojyo was telling me. "This is only our third mission for Sanzo. The last two set us up pretty well, don't you think?"

"I guess so."

"But the money is dwindling quickly, thanks to your…er…hobbies." I reflected on that a moment. I'd never known anyone with so many irresponsible habits. Gojyo was in an inherent state of drinking, smoking and partying. He made his very living off playing card games, and he went through women like so much toilet paper. If I didn't save away a good portion of my half of the money Sanzo paid us, we'd likely be impoverished more often than not. It wasn't as if Sanzo underpaid us.

"I have very refined tastes." Gojyo answer mildly.

"No one would dare to question that, I assure you."

He frowned at my sarcastic tone.

"At any rate, the money from the last job is running out, and now that there's two of us, it would be unreasonable to think we don't need to come up with some stable form of income. Besides, we don't know when there will be more work to do, and it would be foolish to pass up this opportunity."

Gojyo sighed.

"Doing an odd job for Sanzo won't kill us." I added.

It was strange what sort of things _could_ kill a person. Human life was so fragile: everything could be beautiful and simple one moment, and easily be dashed to hell in the next. Someone you loved could be wrenched from your unsuspecting hands in a matter of one lazy, sunny afternoon.

I shook the thought away. Be that as it may, we were not in any danger of dying whilst running an errand for a monk, I had no doubt about that. The last two jobs hadn't been especially complicated. The first was breaking up a gang of thieves which had been robbing temples in the surrounding area, and we'd more or less stumbled into it by mistake. The second had been as easy as walking a few miles to meet an acolyte of a neighboring temple who had a scroll he needed to give to Sanzo. That was something I could have done on my own.

"Yeah, yeah, I guess not." Gojyo relented. "Tell me again though, what exactly is our objective?"

"Were you not paying attention when Sanzo briefed us?" I couldn't help exhaling with some slight exasperation. Gojyo was not an unintelligent person. Granted, he was simpler than a lot of people, but he was cunning in his own way. However, either his attention span was unnaturally short, or he was simply too apathetic to retain information that didn't have anything to do with him personally. Or, I'd thought to myself in the past, he'd just done a lot of heavy drugs in his life.

Who could say? I knew very little about the way Gojyo had lived before we met.

Out of the corner of my eye, I appraised him. He was a somewhat lawless individual. He lived his life, not at all concerned with what society considered acceptable, as best I could tell he either refused to be conscientious, or had no idea how to be, and he was careless, oblivious to daily responsibilities, and almost completely self-absorbed. I even found the way he dressed to be flashy.

At times, I had to admit, it was difficult to be patient with him—he was always trashing the house when I'd just cleaned it, or coming home drunk at some ungodly hour. In fact, even though Gojyo was virtually never annoyed or frustrated with me, it was distressingly easy for him to get under my skin. It was something I had to work on if our relationship as housemates was going to continue smoothly.

"I paid attention. Just tell me again."

"Sanzo wants us to pay a visit to the house on the top of this ridge and investigate-"

"Investigate what? Why the hell'd someone build their house up here anyway?"

"I suppose I shouldn't have used the word house… It's more of a sanctuary—a branch of Chang'an—where acolytes and young monks go to practice and meditate in solitude. Supposedly there are over fifty monks living there now; however, according to Sanzo, they haven't been heard from in several weeks, and the group that normally comes down to gather supplies from the main temple didn't come the other day as scheduled."

"Leme' guess—he wants us to investigate _why_ they haven't be heard from."

"You shouldn't have to guess, you should have paid attention while Sanzo was briefing us."

Gojyo ignored me, as he normally did when I scolded him. "Sounds pretty easy, I guess."

"Yes, depending on why it is that they haven't contacted Chang'an in almost a month."

There was that danger factor again, and climbing this mountain reminded me a lot of what it had been like to infiltrate Hyakugan Maoh's castle. I could almost feel the rain on my skin and taste the blood in the air, the slam of my heart inside my chest. And inside… Inside, so many horrible things awaited.

It took me a moment to realize Gojyo had asked me something else.

"I'm sorry." I looked up at him, only to see he'd gotten several yards ahead of me, "I didn't hear what you said."

"I asked what you think the reason for that is."

"Ah. Well, I suppose it could be a number of things. Sickness, perhaps? It would be a shame to learn that the entire household's been killed by a sudden onslaught of disease, or from bad water."

Fragile human beings, dying from sickness. It really was a wonder how frail we could be. I remembered being severely ill myself, not all that long ago. Before I met Gojyo, of course. Before they took Kanan from me. It had been a fever of some kind, and I hadn't been able to go to the village school to teach. I suppose the students had those few days off as well, seeing how there wasn't anyone to substitute me. I suppose they'd run outside and played in the meadows surrounding our town. In the meanwhile, I'd lain in bed, doing my best to sleep and drinking copious amounts of tea.

Kanan had sat beside me, brow wrinkled with concern, face flushed with love; she'd laid her cool, gentle hand on my forehead and spoken soothingly to me. She'd looked so beautiful then: she'd been healthy and safe and fully in love.

_Of course, there are other, more violent manners to die in than sickness._

I closed my eyes a moment and saw a pool of blood stretching around the shapely body of my lover.

"Hakkai?"

I opened them again, looked at Gojyo, but the image of Kanan lying dead at my feet didn't dissolve into reality like I wanted it to.

"Forgive me, I was distracted." I stepped past him, climbing the mountain trail a little more quickly, and suddenly I truly hoped that all the monks at the sanctuary on top of the ridge were all right.

"Man, you sure been bummin' lately." He said, walking closely behind me.

I was so startled by his bluntness, I couldn't help stammering, "I-I don't understand what you mean."

""Bullshit you don't. You've been way too quiet these last four days, and your smile's not as creepy as usual."

It seemed out of character for Gojyo to notice an anomaly in my behavior; was it so severe even he had recognized it? Or was I not giving him enough credit, just assuming he was too wrapped up in his fast-paced life to take notice of mine?

More importantly, it wasn't like him to bring it up. Gojyo was very closed-mouthed when it came to his emotions, and he generally didn't make it a habit to ask about mine. If there was ever anything wrong with him, he didn't go out of his way to make it known to me, and I certainly hadn't expected him to confront me when I was a bit out of sorts.

I knew he was right though. These past four days had been strange. I'd been struck by a stint of serious depression, and as a result, I couldn't function with the same level of feigned pleasantness and serenity that I normally had. This morning I'd even slammed a cupboard door out of pure frustration.

I suppose it would be silly of me to expect him to miss it though.

"I just have a lot on my mind lately. It's nothing serious." I added slowly, "Thank-you though, for your concern."

"I'm more curious than concerned."

Forcibly, I laughed, doing my best to hide how that agitated me. "Yes, I see."

"It's interesting though." He flicked the last stub of his cigarette to the ground and looked at me intently. "You depressed. You get so…weird."

I accepted that without comment. He was probably right about that too. It was almost impossible to be myself when I was feeling this down.

Come to think of it, Kanan had something about it as well, though she was a bit more well-spoken than Gojyo.

_I can always tell when you're sad, Gonou…your face gets the most peculiar expression, and you always seem to run out of things to say._

I remembered sitting outside our humble, quiet home. It had been an evening in the spring, the sky in the west was dusky orange with splashes of canary yellow, the air was cool and relaxing, and Kanan had held my hand in hers, spoken with a warm, angelic smile on her lips. _Whatever it is that troubles you, Gonou, I urge you to forget it—you're with me now. Let me make you happy._

It was hard to remember now what had troubled me before I'd met Kanan. I suppose…I'd been forced to remember my lonely youth from time to time. Of course, that became less and less frequent as I'd fallen more and more in love with Kanan.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"Eh? What for?" Gojyo demanded, drawing me back to the present.

"Oh, it's nothing."

Frowning at me again, he placed a new cigarette in his mouth. In the distance beyond him, I could see the wide, sweeping roof of a simple, wooden pagoda.

"You sure it's nothing?"

I did a double take of him. I don't believe I'd ever heard him use that tone before; it was firm and probing, not a mindless question he'd asked to pass time. It came as such a surprise to me, I couldn't even answer.

"If it's nothing, Hakkai, you're seriously over-reacting. You've been a huge bummer lately, and if I know anything, it's that people don't act like that over nothing."

I snapped, "I apologize if my being a bummer in any way interferes with your reckless partying."

He didn't answer for a second, simply continued hiking steadily toward the wooden pagoda that was emerging from the trees ahead of us. I wondered vaguely if I'd upset him this time. I'd never snapped at him that way before; perhaps it was crossing a line.

After all, it was only a matter of time. Living together, we saw one another every day, without fail, and even if I could go for a time without upsetting him, there was no telling how long we were going to be living side by side this way, and therefore, no predicting how long it would take for us to get on one another's nerves.

He did annoy me at times, though not very severely. I suppose his carelessness and inconsiderate actions occasionally bothered me, but it wasn't so hard really, smiling at him, as though unperturbed, and reminding myself that it was nothing to lose my temper over.

Gojyo might not have that restraint mechanism. He acted so much on impulse and emotion.

To my surprise, he grinned at me suddenly, "Hey, sunshine, take it easy. I didn't mean it like that. You wanna' be depressed, that's your business, but don't waste your time pretending it's not actually a big deal." Unexpectedly, he looped his arm over my shoulders. It was twice as hard to walk with him leaning on me, and I had to stagger over several fist-sized rocks, but it was comforting somehow, and I felt myself relaxing to the touch instinctively.

"You know." He added softly, "You kinda' got a lot to be depressed about."

I wanted to close my eyes and shut out those words. I wanted to block out the memories, forget the murders I'd committed in Hyakugan Maoh's castle. Wipe the image of Kanan killing herself completely from my mind. Still, I knew I never could, and I knew that it was plenty of reason for me to fall into an intermittent crevice of self-pity.

I answered him before I could even take into account what I was doing, "Truthfully, I've been thinking a lot lately about my past. Not just what happened in Hyakugan Maoh's castle…but life before that."

"Y'mean, life with Kanan?"

I marked the delicate tone he used, though I likely shouldn't have been startled by it. I'd told him the very barest details about Kanan, but I hadn't been able to hide how much she had meant to me. He knew she was dead, and he knew how that ate at me.

"I think of how it used to be—I'm only torturing myself, but I can't help it—I think of how we lived, in our little house, with our simple lives, with so little to sustain ourselves on. And then, when I think of the way she was, and I recall the way she smiled at me, or the sound of her voice, I'm forced to realize just how deep the wound runs."

Gojyo didn't answer or look at me, and I wondered if he was even listening now.

It didn't matter. I needed to say this out loud, I needed to sort through the thoughts outside of my own head.

"Sometimes, when I wake up, late at night, or early in the morning, I can't help but think I'll turn over and she'll be lying right beside me. Sometimes, I even wonder if maybe this isn't all a dream. I tell myself that I might wake up some day, and none of this will be real, and Kanan will be there, waiting for me, just the way she used to."

"I get what you mean." He said quietly.

"It's foolish, and I know that. I know now, better than ever, that I can't go back to the way things were. I know it isn't a dream or an illusion: she really is dead, and the things I had before are gone forever. No matter what I do, I cannot get that old life back."

So much as saying those words was terrible. She was gone. Dead. Just another fragile human; and now I didn't have so much as my own humanity to comfort me. I was a shape-shifting monster, a dark force that could snuff any feeble, human life at any given second, the very enemy I had sworn to destroy. What sort of horrible joke was that? The life I'd loved when I was human was out of reach to me now, and it was more than I could bear.

Rather than waking up from this nightmare and finding Kanan smiling into my face, I had to face the fact that she was dead, every single day. I might never overcome that. I might slip deeper and deeper into the well of my own depression and sadness, and perhaps some day, I'd be incapable of coming back. Maybe it had already begun. I'd relinquished my anger now, told myself it was over, reminded myself that my revenge had done nothing but made things even worse, and now I had to shoulder that guilt for the rest of my life. But without the anger there to guard me, nothing remained by my sorrow, and for the rest of my lonely existence, I'd likely have my sadness and regrets constantly weighing me down.

_Nothing in life seems quite worth while now, Kanan. I don't have you to rush home to every day. I don't have you depending on me. No one is._

It struck me that I had no purpose whatsoever.

As if to remind me that he was still there, Gojyo punched my shoulder lightly, a lingering, affectionate gesture that slid off my arm, seeming to say so many things I couldn't even begin to wonder what they all were, and when I looked at him, mouth threatening to fall open from bewilderment, he was smiling at me in a way that was utterly lacking in travesty or mischief, and there was a rare sort of empathy in his eyes. Not pity or charity, just unadulterated commiseration. He didn't say a word, and I felt a warming light of gratitude welling up within me.

"Anyway." I looked straight ahead again as we approached the sanctuary, "It's no use wallowing in it now. We have something rather important to address before hand."

"No worries, man. Nobody around here's judging you. Hell, let's grab a couple beers on the way home and talk about it."

I laughed. It seemed like the first time I'd laughed in days, "That's quite a generous offer, Gojyo. I never realized you were so sensitive."

"Yeah. On second thought, let's skip the talk and just get the drinks. You can drown your sorrows in some sake if you want."

That made me laugh too, and then we were in front of the sanctuary, and I had to stop.

It wasn't very large. Just three stories high, and probably only barely big enough to house fifty people. Still, it was clean: the walkway was scrubbed spotless, the stone steps swept, windows sparkling, grass and surrounding vegetation trimmed and well-kept. It was quiet too. I listened closely for voices, but the only thing to be heard was the relaxed jingle of the wind chimes hung above the front door, and the birds twittering in the background. Somewhere around the corner of the building, I heard running water. Probably a fountain or a small stream.

My breath hitched. What was that foreboding sense in the air I felt?

"This place is quiet." Gojyo murmured. "Way, way too quiet."

"I think you're right. You'd think we'd see or hear some sort of activity, considering how many people allegedly live here." I stared hard at one of the windows, half-expecting some figure to appear on the other side of the glass, but nothing moved, and the windows were darkened by shadows.

Gojyo finished his cigarette and started another. "This's supposed to be easy though, right?"

"The other two certainly were." The second errand had been so simple I could have done it all by myself. Why didn't I? After all, Gojyo seemed to hate doing favors for Sanzo, and I suspected that walking all day just to meet a monk and receive a scroll was little more than a waste of his time.

Then again, he hadn't decided to stay home. He'd complained the whole time, but he had not said he wished he'd stayed home. And in truth, I was glad he'd come with me. I guess I had wanted him too.

Even now, it was good to have him standing beside me, facing the same conundrum and asking the same questions. When I was alone, it was all too easy for the painful memories and the dreadful feelings to sneak in and take hold. Somehow, having Gojyo with me eased my loneliness and my misery.

I wondered if he even knew that.

"Whatever." He shrugged and exhaled a stream of white smoke from his nose, "Let's check it out so we can go home and report to Sanzo."

"By all means…"

We approached the sanctuary, walking nearly in sync, and climbed the steps to the broad, wooden terrace. There were a few mats laid out there and a modest jar of flowers, but I still didn't see any sign of life. When I leaned forward to peer through the window, I saw nothing but an empty corridor beyond the immaculate glass.

Gojyo thumped loudly on the flimsy door, "Hell-lo? Anybody in there? Open up, baldies."

"Gojyo, be respectful."

"Hmph. Nobody's answering anyway. Oy! Didn't'cha' hear me? I said let us in!"

Slowly, the door crept open, as if controlled by some unseen hand, welcoming us into the darkness beyond.

We stood shoulder to shoulder in the doorway, my hair standing on end, Gojyo still frozen in mid-knock, but no one appeared to speak to us, and an unearthly silence filled the air.

"Did…the door open on its own?" Gojyo asked finally.

"That would be a bit fantastical, don't you think? Not to mention unnerving."

He took a cautious step ahead of me into the sanctuary, and I followed.

Inside was a simple, tidy hallway running in three directions. The right and left hallways looked as if they ran the perimeter of the building, but the one in front of us led deeper into the sanctuary, deeper into the dark, where not so much as a candle was lit. The silence prevailed, even with our shoes making empty, heavy sounds against the bamboo floor.

We proceeded with the slightest of glances over our shoulders, marched straight down the hall and into the shadows.

"Hello?" I called. "Is anyone home?"

Somewhere far ahead of us, I thought I heard a faint cough.

"Hey!" Gojyo fairly shouted, "Somebody better answer!"

I nudged him with my elbow, "We don't mean to intrude—Genjyo Sanzo from Keiun sent us…"

Still nothing. The hallway widened gradually, and we were standing in what seemed to be a main lobby where the floors were tiled with crisp, pale stones and red tapestries were hung from all four corners of the room. In the center, a golden Buddha twice my size sat with open palms, but the torches were unlit, and I didn't detect so much as a waft of incense.

"The place looks utterly abandoned." I whispered, and by this time I was feeling nervous.

Gojyo was stark still beside me.

"I wonder where on earth everyone would have gone."

Above us, I could see all the way up to the third story, but the higher floors were equally quiet. No torches, no candles, no monks.

"'Kai." Gojyo bumped me with his shoulder, "What's that over there?"

I looked at where he was pointing to, a corner of the room that was almost black from shadow, and I could just barely make out something…. Streaks. Thick, ragged streaks of some liquid.

My heart caught in my throat._ Blood._ I knew it all too well—the uneven smears of blood on the floor, as if someone had dragged a body there. I'd seen it far too much.

I thought I saw a glimmer of something there, moved a step or two closer until I could see a shapeless lump huddled there in the corner as well, and then I began to feel a little afraid.

Gojyo lit his lighter, holding it out in front of him to illuminate the space.

I gasped and took a sudden step backwards into him.

A crowd of bodies had been piled there, just out of the sunlight, perhaps to slow down the decomposing process. Torn and mutilated, some with limbs ripped off, others torn completely in two, frozen as if still running, faces gaping and staring and fixed in horror, eyes wide, mouths stiff. Their robes and their bald heads were speckled and stained with blood.

"Holy shit." Gojyo breathed.

I clenched my fists, remembering vividly the warm stickiness of blood on my hands, the horrors of my memories flooding in, showing me murder after senseless murder. Outside I thought I heard the violent sound of rain battering against the roof, and far away, a terrified, feminine voice screamed my old name.

I almost fell into Gojyo, and he barely managed to catch me, "Woah. You okay, man?"

"I…there are so many of them…"

"Yeah…but not fifty. Wonder where the rest of 'em are."

It looked to me that there was a mere fifteen to twenty monks heaped up there. Fifteen to twenty monks who's been alive and well just a few, short weeks ago. Fifteen to twenty monks who'd had their lives suddenly and brutally taken away from them, likely without provocation.

"What happened to them?" I choked.

Behind us, a thick, ugly voice crooned, "Humans. So little. So fragile."

We both turned, Gojyo holding his lighter up like a beacon.

A man was there. He was approximately the same size as the Buddha statue to our right, built like a tank with a thick, hairy chest, squat legs, bulky arms and a lumpy head. His ears were long and sharp—one was any way, the other looked like it had been chewed off—his eyes a dull yellow, and his face was heavily bearded with the same black, matted hair that covered his arms and chest. A soiled, brown loincloth was his only article of clothing, but he was wearing a hideously stupid, sadistic grin, long, cruel fangs protruding from behind his fat, brown lips. There was gore in his beard, crimson caked around his mouth, and his arms, from fingertip to elbow, were saturated in partially dried blood. To my horror, I saw that he was holding a human arm in one hand, and it looked as if he'd already taken several bites out of the bicep. He was just a few feet from us, and I hadn't even heard him approaching.

"Shit!" It was Gojyo's turn to leap back, slamming into me harshly. "Who in the hell?"

"It appears to be some sort of…ogre." I said grimly.

"What is it doing _here_?"

"Fragile. Little. Humans." The ogre chanted deeply. His yellow eyes were glimmering with brutality and hunger. "Fragile. Little. Humans. Tasty. So Tasty."

I couldn't quite hold back a disgusted smile of my own, "It seems to have come here to feast."

"Tasty humans." The ogre laughed repulsively, advancing on us.

"So does that means all the monks are dead?"

"It stands to reason that if they were still alive they would have gone to Chang'an to report what happened here. So yes. That seems very likely." I drew away from the ogre, watching it warily as it took another cumbersome step in our direction.

"What'dya' wanna' do about it?"

"Well-"

The ogre lunged suddenly, howling with laughter.

I leapt out of the way, dodging him just in time.

One filthy, giant hand found a fistful of Gojyo's long hair, even as he was jumping back

"Son of a-"

and flung him across the room with a jerky twist of his barrel-like torso.

"Biiiitch!"

Gojyo crashed through the wall on the other side of the room in an explosion of bamboo and disappeared.

"Gojyo!" I started to run after him, but the ogre was quick to interfere. He made a grab at me as well, but I was fast enough to jump up, evade the gnarled, bloody hand, spring off his shoulder and keep right on running. Fortunately the beast wasn't smart enough to figure out what had happened and took a moment to understand that he hadn't caught me.

I jumped through the ragged hole in the wall and arrived beside Gojyo, just as he was sitting up, coughing and sputtering. "Are you all right?"  
>"Shit. That thing's…faster than it looks."<p>

"Ogre's are never very intelligent, but they tend to be incredibly powerful." I turned to watch as the ogre, having realized that we were behind him, dropped the human arm and began to march toward us steadily.

Suddenly, I felt nervous. I hadn't been counting on coming up here to fight; at the very most, I'd thought I might have to sip tea and make polite conversation with monks—the most strenuous part of my day was supposed to be convincing Gojyo to be civilized—and now I was in danger of being eaten by an ogre.

Well, I wasn't really, if I thought about it. Chances were, I was strong enough and fast enough to either kill the ogre, or at the very least race back down the mountain. Instinct said try to kill it; after all, it had slaughtered and eaten a slough of human beings, and for some reason, I simply couldn't turn a blind eye to that.

_I'm not human anymore. My life doesn't bear that same fragility._

However, being a monster meant being stronger than most people, and that seemed to indicate that I should be defending those less capable than I was.

Gojyo got to his feet. I was impressed by his tenacity, but I wondered if he was up to this. Being fully youkai naturally meant I was stronger than he was—by how much, I wasn't sure—and I'd never seen him in a full-blown fight, so I had no way to gage what his skill level was. He might just get himself killed.

There wasn't any time to tell him to go home though; the ogre charged us abruptly, barreling straight toward us like an oncoming elephant, hands reaching out greedily.

I readied myself.

Gojyo shoved past me.

"Wait!" I clawed at his coat sleeve and missed.

Regardless, he ran straight at the ogre, fearlessly as far as I could tell, and when he was only just out of arm's reach, he jumped up and kicked the ogre in the face with a skull-cracking snap. The ogre flew backward, hit the floor hard, and slid a ways, knocking over a cluster of tall, ornate vases lined up on either side of the Buddha statue.

Gojyo landed lithely, raking hair out of his eyes and saluting with his middle finger, "Don't fuckin' touch my hair."

I stepped up next to him, "Then, I take it you're prepared to fight it?"

"We came to find out what's going on up here, didn't we?" Gojyo gave me a look that I thought was semi-surprised, like he wasn't expecting me to be reluctant. Then again, for a man who'd charged into the fight head first, reluctance was probably odd in most situations. "Dunno' about you, but I could definitely use the exercise—I'm gonna' get fat eating your damn home cooked meals, if I don't watch it."

I laughed, wondering how he always managed to relate everything back to his concern with physical appearance. "Nonsense. I believe putting on a little weight would do you some good."

Gojyo cocked his head to look at me, as if the thought had never even crossed his mind, "Really? You think so?"

"You are tragically skinny, my friend. It's lucky I showed up when I did."

The ogre was standing again, swaying a little and holding his head. I heard him roaring painfully, "Kill! Kill! Kill you, filthy humans! Eat your hearts! Crunch your bones!"

He came at me first, swinging one sledge hammer-sized fist at my head. I ducked under him, popped up and elbowed him in the stomach, doubling him over.

Angrier than ever, the ogre made another grab at Gojyo.

This time he was ready for it though, and he slipped out of the way, smooth as water, "Speaking of weight, this guy sure is a fat ass. Guess that comes from eating about thirty people, huh?" He hauled off and punched the ogre in the jaw.

The ogre tilted severely to the side, almost falling on his face, managed to catch himself just in time, and came back, roaring even angrier than before.

"Now, now. It's rude to make personal comments, you know." I felt long, jagged fingernails whistle past me as the ogre attacked again, gave him a swift uppercut to the chin that had him lifting off the ground a couple of feet a second or two.

"Ha! And saying 'you're tragically skinny' isn't a personal comment?" Gojyo jumped forward; it looked like has going to heel stomp the ogre's skull, hopefully crushing it like a melon, but the ogre rolled out of the way just in time, and Gojyo landed right where his head had been mere seconds ago, staggered, stumbled and fell right into me.

We collided with a mix of startled cries and landed in a disorganized jumble on the recently-waxed floor.

The ogre was laughing hysterically at us.

Frantically, I scrambled to disentangle myself from Gojyo and tried to get up, but I wasn't fast enough, and the ogre grabbed my arm harshly, lifting me into the air, high above his head.

He threw me as if I were some sort of rag doll, and I found myself flying across the room at an astounding speed, smashed hard against the railing on the second floor. The balusters splintered, and the fine, red wood scattered across the floor, raining down on the ground level. Pain lashed through my head and down my spine in quick, sharp spikes.

Rubbing my head, I struggled to get up, had to hold on to a nearby column for support. That landing really hurt.

Below me, I heard the ogre laughing wildly, looked down just in time to see him dig his claws into the wooden column below me and begin climbing, ripping out chunks of wood with his long, dirty nails as he went. Before I knew it, he had reached the top and was towering over me monstrously, grinning and laughing with that strange mixture of brutality and stupidity. His shadow was cast over me as he stood there, hands reaching out, aching to break my bones, and he seemed the perfect image of an absolute beast, ruled by hunger and instinct.

I prepared to defend myself regardless, clenching my fists and getting into stance.

He swung a punch and it whistled by, dangerously close to my face. I ducked under the next one and had to back away from the one after that. The Ogre was roaring with anger, came at me with both hands, as if he wanted to rip me limb from limb. I darted to the side, found myself pressed up against a wooden column, and for a frightening moment, as the ogre stood over me, laughing in triumph, I almost thought I might not make it.

"Watch it!" Gojyo came out of nowhere, slamming as hard as he could against the ogre with his shoulder.

The ogre, being caught off guard, let out a startled yelp, then, arms flailing helplessly, fell backwards over the railing, ripping even more of it down. I heard him land harshly on the smooth, tiled floor below us.

Gojyo and I flung ourselves against the banister to look down to where the ogre was sprawled on the stone, scattered pieces of the railing shivering around him. A second passed, and then he twitched and roared again, getting painfully and slowly to his feet.

"Shit." Gojyo panted. "He ain't dead? I almost killed myself running up those goddamn stairs."

"I think it will take a bit more than a thirty foot fall to kill him." I mused.

"Well then let's start taking this seriously, okay?"

"Oh? Forgive me, I was trying to restrain myself so you could keep up."

"Ha ha, very funny, Hakkai."

Below us, I heard another outraged roar, followed by a crunch that sounded a lot like someone stomping dried bones under their heel.

I looked down again to see the orge digging his claws into another column. With a ferocious, yellow grin, he tore away a piece of red-painted wood the size of my skull.

"Son of a bitch. What's he doin'?"

"I'm a little reluctant to find out."

This time, the ogre wrapped his giant, hairy arms all away around the beam and began to pull. He pulled and pulled, and after a few moments, I heard the wood began to crack, and then the floor under my feet started shifting. With one tremendous wrench, the ogre tore the column away, along with a chunk of the floor we were standing on, and the railing we were holding on to.

"Holy shit!"

Gojyo and I both sprang back just in the nick of time to avoid falling that same thirty feet to the ground floor. I slammed hard against the wall, Gojyo slipping beside me.

Laughing and howling, the ogre began to swing the column he was holding around and around like it was little more than a normal bo staff. "Humans. Stupid humans. Little humans. Tasty humans."

There was a gut-wrenching impact as he smashed his new weapon against another one of the columns, and then a second snap, like someone's femur breaking. The floor shuddered again and more wood exploded, falling back to the first story.

"We'd better get back down there." I tugged Gojyo's coat sleeve as I began to run. "Or else he'll tear this whole place down."

The stairs were a mere hundred feet away. A simple dash. We could make it, and when we got down there again, we could kill this creature and go report what we'd learned to Sanzo.

I was almost to the stairs when the ground in front of me crumbled in a violent spray of chunks of wood and splinters.

Screaming, I stopped as quickly as I could, shoes sliding on the finely polished floor, nearly lost my balance and tumbled through the hole the ogre had made.

"Fuck!" Gojyo as well skittered to a halt, fighting to stay upright on the edge of the drop.

I managed to snag his jacket seconds before he fell head first to the stone floor beneath us.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck."

We backed away. I analyzed the hole now between us and the stairs. It wasn't very large. In fact, both of us could probably jump it.

"Gojyo-"  
>Under my feet, the floor tipped and slanted, forcing us close to the edge.<p>

"Goddammit!" Gojyo sprang back, landing on the part of the floor that was still stable.

I started to follow. The floor collapsed under me, and I found myself free falling quite suddenly, clawing at the air in all futility.

A thirty foot drop didn't sound like much. Looking down at it didn't feel so bad either. Never the less, I knew that when I hit that solid, stone floor, it was going to hurt. I might even break one of my legs, and that would make fighting off an ogre next to impossible.

Gojyo snatched me out of mid air, his hand closing around my wrist.

A ragged scream tore from my lungs, but then I was swinging there, drifting back and forth like a stretch of thread, heart beating so quickly I thought it might burst.

Beneath me, the ogre roared in frustration, took a swing at me, and, shockingly, missed.

Frantically, I looked up into Gojyo's face, "Pull me up!"

"Workin' on it." He snapped.

It took all I had to stay calm. There was nothing to grab onto. No hand holds, no foot holds, just empty air and the jagged, splintered edge of the floor Gojyo was leaning over. I couldn't even help him pull me up.

It felt like it took forever. My heart kept pounding, and the ogre kept roaring and shouting and cursing and taking swings at me. He busted up more of the floor, and I began to fear that we'd both fall before Gojyo could pull me up.

Somehow he did it though. He heaved me up far enough that I could get a grip on the floor with my free hand, and then he fisted his own hand in the back of my coat, pulling me up onto the floor until my knees were the only things still dangling over the edge.

"C'mon!" Gojyo jerked me to my feet, and we began to run, in spite of my shakiness. I struggled to focus, doing my best not to let the noodly feeling in my legs get the best of me.

All around us now the floor was breaking and crumbling and falling in a rain of thick splinters. The ogre was ripping down column after column, the floor collapsing just inches behind our heels as we ran.

"Hakkai!" Gojyo leapt easily over an overturned vase the size of his torso as it fell into his path. "What should we do?"

"Going down is no longer an option, unless we want to do it the hard way."

"So up?"

"I'm afraid we have no choice."  
>We were quickly approaching the next staircase. Beyond that, I saw that the floor had already fallen in from the added strain. In another couple of moments, the stairs were going to collapse as well.<p>

"We'd better hurry." I mumbled, catching the edge of the railing and swinging myself up onto the steps.

Side by side, we raced up the stairs, and I didn't have to look back to know that they too were crumbling right behind us.

When we just a few steps from the top, the ogre suddenly leapt down from above us, holding what little was left of his column. He was grinning like he'd just swallowed a huge chocolate cake. Or someone's intestines.

"Shit!"

Gojyo and I both lurched to a halt.

"How in the world did he-?"

No time. The staircase was falling right behind us.

The ogre was reaching out with his greasy, greedy fingers. "Nowhere to go. Nowhere to go. Humans." He laughed again.

The step I was standing on buckled.

_Nowhere to go_.

We were looking at a sixty foot drop now. It still wouldn't kill us, I didn't think, but it would certainly cause some damage.

Gritting my teeth, I shoved Gojyo forward, "Go!"

"Where?" He demanded, but he scrambled up the last few steps just the same.

The ogre saw him coming and opened his arms to catch him.

Gojyo feinted left, dodged suddenly to the right and managed to slip around him.

I took advantage of the ogre's confusion and ducked under him as well.

We sprinted down the hall, racing toward the next flight of stairs.

Now it felt like the whole building was falling in around us. There was a deep rumbling that filled the air, and everything was shaking.

"How're we gonna' get out of here?"  
>"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that—this place likely won't be standing in another ten minutes."<br>The orge was right behind us. I heard his giant feet slapping on the polished wood, and his guttural, fiendish voice was screaming loudly.

We were almost to the next flight of stairs. Perhaps on the third floor we'd find an exit of some sort. At least a balcony. I'd even settle for a window.

As we were starting up the steps however, the ogre slammed against two of the support beams the kept the stairs up, and they collapsed right in front of us before I could so much as set one foot on the first step.

We backed away, watching as the ogre advanced toward us again.

"Shit. I ain't dyin' here." Gojyo snarled.

"Hush. No one's dying here."

Except maybe that _thing_.

"Come on." I started running again, past the staircase this time leaping over holes in the floor and dodging debris that was raining down from above. I tore through the first door I came to, looking around quickly for any means of escape.

It appeared to be some sort of wash room. There was a large, stone pool in the middle of the room that had already been filled with water, as if someone had been planning to take a bath. The walls were drenched in blood, and I choked on the horrible scent of a decomposing corpse. A young acolyte was halfway in the pool, lying face down, and the water had a dusky red hue.

"Gross." Gojyo coughed.

I slammed the door behind us, shutting out the ogre seconds before he followed us into the room.

"That won't hold him for more than a second." I said, skirting the edge of the pool and turning down corner where there was another, smaller room. There was a humble, bamboo table there, an overturned basin of water, and, much to my relief, a small window.

"Shit, Hakkai. The floor's fallin'."

I could feel it too. That rumbling and shuddering. I could hear it, cracking and splintering. It was only a matter of minutes now before the roof caved in on us, and then we would certainly die.

"We have to get out of here." I said, mostly to myself. "Once we're out, we can deal with the ogre."

As if on cue, I heard the beast burst through the door, howling with outrage, and then there was a slosh of water as he, no doubt, stormed right through the bloody pool.

"Right." Gojyo pressed in a little closer to me, "So we're going on that window, right?"

I appraised the window again, quickly. It was very small. My shoulders might not fit through it. But it was the only hope we had.

Gojyo didn't wait for my answer. He lifted the basin and threw it through the window; shards of thick glass flew everywhere, landing on the floor like hard rain.

He shoved me toward it. "You go first. If I get stuck we're both fucked."

I felt that strange warmth well up inside me again, but I didn't have time to dwell on it.

The ogre stuck his hideous face around the corner and then he barreled down the hallway toward us.

"Hakkai!" Gojyo pushed me again.

"Yes. Of course." I mounted the window sill, twisting so my shoulders were more vertical than horizontal, and shoved my way through. I felt a piece of glass slash my upper arm as I did so, but ignored it.

Around me, the mountains were beautiful, the ground a long ways down, and I could feel the whole sanctuary trembling, as if on the very verge of collapse. But where to go?

Beneath me was a second window. It was a long shot, but perhaps I could jump down onto that ledge. But then, where would Gojyo go?

I turned to have a word with him. "Gojyo, I-"

The ogre hit him full force, knocking him back against the wall and grabbing at his throat, teeth gnashing inches from his face, and Gojyo did his best to hold him back, shoving his hand against the ogre's neck and kicking him hard a couple times. "Just go!" he choked.

The ogre tightened his grip. I saw his claws sinking into Gojyo's flesh.

Barely thinking about it, I slid back down from the window sill and picked up the humble, wooden table. It was a bit heavier than it looked, fortunately for us. With all my might, I lifted it above my head and brought it down on the ogre's skull. The table blew apart into a million pieces.

The ogre screamed and stumbled back, holding his monstrous head.

Gojyo stumbled back too, nearly falling, scrabbling to keep on his feet. He rubbed his neck, "I told ya'…to get outta' here…"

"There's nowhere to go." I told him severely.

"Bull…shit. Fine." He shouldered past me. "I'll go first."

He climbed lithely onto the window sill, "Hold that thing off."

The ogre was still staggering a bit, blood streaming from its ear, but it looked like it was getting its head together, coming toward me.

"You'd better hurry." I told Gojyo.

He'd already slipped through the window and was standing tediously on the ledge outside, clinging to the wall.

I took a step back, groping around for a weapon. My hand found a shard of glass as thick as my palm and as long as my middle finger. I watched and waited.

The ogre was stomping toward me.

I waited.

He was just a few feet away.

But he wasn't close enough.

Finally, he lunged.

He slammed against me; I smelled his putrid breath pouring over my face.

I jammed the shard of glass into his eye. Hot blood showered over me, getting in my hair and spraying across my nose.

The ogre howled, clawing at his eye.

I kicked him back, and then hoisted myself up and out the window to stand beside Gojyo. "Haven't you figured it out yet?"

"I was waiting for you!" He snapped. His hair was flying back in the wind and he looked very warrior-like in that moment.

I felt somewhat warrior like myself.

But the building was crumbling around us. Even as we stood there, a piece of the roof fell, nearly hitting me in the head, and somewhere far away I heard the ring of even more glass and stone breaking. We only had a couple minutes left by now.

"That cart down there." He pointed.

There was a small cart, likely used for transporting food. I couldn't tell if it were meant to be hooked to an animal or if it were something you pushed, but either way, it wasn't very big. Also, it was several feet away, and there was a chance that if we jumped we'd miss it. In fact, the only thing even remotely promising about the cart was that the back was loaded up with a pile of hay.

"Gojyo, if we miss we're going to snap both our legs and be killed for sure."

"Yeah. And?"

"If we don't jump." I mused, "We're going to fall anyway, I suppose…"

The wall buckled. I felt it falling in, the terrifying feeling of my whole body swaying backward.

Inside, the ogre roared, and then there was a sickening crunch as he put his fist through the wall and tore a huge chunk out of it.

Gojyo screamed. Afraid or just startled, I couldn't tell. I felt like screaming too though.

The ogre punched another hole through the wall.

The wind blew my hair.

I felt the ledge we were standing on starting to give.

"Let's jump." I said. "We have no choice."

"Right. You first."

"No. On three."

"Fine."  
>"One. Two."<p>

The ogre burst through the wall, leaping onto the ledge with us, clearly oblivious to the fact that it was too tiny to even begin to support his weight. He was screaming something I couldn't make out.

The ledge gave out and began to fall.

"Three!" I shouted.

I sprang just in time, jumped just as far as I could, and then I was falling for the second time, tumbling through the air, arms flailing, legs kicking wildly. I thought for sure I was going to hit the ground.

I landed hard in the pile of hay. It wasn't as soft as it had looked from the window ledge, but it was much better than slamming against the stone-hard ground. I hit with an oomph and got the wind knocked out of me. Gojyo landed on top of me just a split second later, his elbow hitting me in the eye.

And the ogre landed on the ground just behind us, rolled a bit, and slammed into the back of the cart.

I felt the wheels jerk loose. The cart began to roll. Slowly at first, but we were on a steep hill after all, and the force of gravity was pulling us down, causing us to roll faster and faster over the side of the ridge.

We both scrambled to sit up, hay flying everywhere. I looked over my shoulder, saw the ogre jump to his feet and come racing after us. Just behind him, the sanctuary was sagging, falling apart in one dramatic moment. I watched with wide eyes as it fell in like a house of cards.

"Fuck!" Gojyo screamed.

We were jolting along down the ridge now, flying over rocks and bouncing off boulders, barely missing trees. I ducked under a branch, barely avoiding getting struck in the face. I clutched the edges of the cart.

"Hakkai! What now?"  
>"Why don't you come up with something for a change?"<p>

"I was the one who said we should jump into the cart!"

"This was a horrible idea!" Another branch zipped past me, and I felt it scrape my cheek. "It doesn't count!"

"That thing is gaining on us!"

That was true, I saw. The ogre was just a few yards from the cart, getting closer and closer.

We slammed against a tree and caught some air going over a boulder. For a moment, we were suspended in the sky, cart and all, hay whipping away behind us.

"Uh, Hakkai."

Gojyo shook my shoulder.

Up ahead there was the sudden, sheer drop off of a cliff.

"How do we make this thing stop?"

"I-I'm not sure we can…" I stuttered.

"Shit. Shit! There's no telling how far a fall that is!"

"Just hold on-"

The cart lurched one last time, flying up over a smooth boulder that was rather like a ramp, and we were launched out into space, both our bodies ejected out of the cart and hanging in the air, falling so slowly, it almost felt as if I wasn't falling at all.

How perfectly blue the sky was. And the scenery. All around me I saw vivid, forest green and colored splashes of flowers. Below us though….

I was afraid to look down.

Screaming and clawing at one another, we fell and fell and fell and

Sploosh.

My body hit water, hard, but it too was better than hitting the ground. For a second, my head was submerged and I was sucking in a lungful of water. I touched the bottom of the river and propelled myself back up, slung my head back as I surfaced again, throwing my wet hair back and forth.

It was a river we'd landed in. Fairly wide, but not all that deep. The current was quick, carrying me down stream steadily.

A few feet away, Gojyo came up for air, crimson hair slung across his face, sputtering and cursing.

I didn't see the ogre anywhere. It would have to be incredibly stupid to leap over the edge of a cliff just to follow us into the river. Good riddance.

Now, of course, we had a different problem.

"Swim for the shore!" I was already churning my arms and kicking my legs, doing my best to get to shallow water.

However, the current was a little stronger than I'd first assessed it to be, and getting to shore proved to be a daunting task. At one point, I managed to grab hold of a log that was jutting out over the river, but when Gojyo drifted by and grabbed onto my coat, the log snapped and the three of us continued down river, bobbing in the rapids and being pulled under occasionally. Before long, I began to feel tired. I draped my arms over the log, and so did he, and we got carried along like that for a while.

The further we went, the wilder the river became, slinging us back and forth, slamming us against rocks, dragging us down and spinning us around. I got mouthful after mouthful of dirty river water, and I was freezing cold.

"Dammit." Gojyo groaned, "I can't believe what a shitty day this is."

Ahead of us, I recognized the thunderous sound of a waterfall, and a deep one at that. "It's about to get worse." I warned him.

"What? Oh, shit!" He held onto the log with one arm and did his best to swim back up against the stream. "Oh shit!"

It was no use. In another ten seconds, we were going to go over that water fall and possibly get dashed against the rocks at the bottom.

For some reason, I felt the inexplicable urge to laugh. "My, this certainly turned out to be much more interesting than I expected."

"Screw. You. Hakkai."

"Well, I suppose there's no sense in fighting it. Just close your eyes and hope for the best."

"Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shiiiiiiiiit!"

The river flung us out over the edge of the waterfall, and then we were plummeting yet again. I lost my grip on the log and it hovered beside me. Gojyo was screaming. I couldn't even find the voice to scream. I just wanted to laugh and laugh and laugh.

When we hit the bottom, I was shocked to have survived, and as I surfaced once more, swam for the shore, and dragged myself up out of the pool, I felt unbelievably relieved.

_Wouldn't that be something…_ I thought as I trudged up onto the shore, dripping wet and shivering. My coat had been ripped right along the shoulder and now the right arm of it was falling off. Just as well. It wasn't a coat I had liked very much to begin with.

_Wouldn't that be something to tell Kanan?_

I wondered if she would have been afraid to hear such a story, or if she would have laughed, like me.

_I suppose I'll never get the opportunity to find out now._

Behind me, Gojyo came up, gasping and choking. "H-Hakkai! Hey! Help!"

I turned to smile at him, "Are you tired of swimming?" Then offered him my hand.

I dragged him out of the water, and we both made our way up away from the river, collapsed on a patch of grass a safe distance from the water's edge, and fell onto our backs, breathing hard.

Gojyo spread his arms open wide, "Holy fuckin' shit."

I laughed.

"That was insanity. What're you laughin' for?"

"Oh, it's nothing. Nothing."

"It ain't _nothing_." He scowled at me.

"You. You were just so funny."

"Me? How the hell was I funny?"

All I could do was laugh even more.

"We almost died!" he reminded me.

I chuckled. "Yes, yes, I know."

"Shit." He sat up straight, "What do you think happened to the troll?"

"The ogre. And I'm not sure. I don't believe it fell in the river with us, so I suspect it's miles behind us now."

"Great. Good. I don't wanna' deal with that thing anymore." He stood up, legs almost giving out.

"Hm. You likely could have killed it, you know. You're stronger than I thought you were."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. I just wasn't sure you were going to make it back there." I stood up, grinning all the more. My legs felt weak as well, but more than anything, I was just glad to be alive.

"Yeah, well keep that in mind. Gojyo's a lean, mean sonnova bitch."

We began to walk, and I was still laughing.

"How're we gonna' explain tearing that sanctuary down to Sanzo?"  
>"Well, we didn't necessarily tear it down…"<p>

"He's gonna' be pissed anyway."

"Are you afraid of Sanzo?"

"Hell no! I ain't scared of that bastard! But he might not pay us."

"Oh, I think he will. After all, we did find out what he wanted us to find out."

Gojyo ran his fingers through his hair and lit a cigarette. "Guess so."

"I believe I can talk him into giving us at least _some _of our due money."

"Some…?"

"My half at least." I teased.

"Goddamn. I think I liked it better when you were bummin'."

"Ah, yes. That. In all the excitement, I seem to have forgotten what I was depressed about."

Gojyo snorted, "Somethin' about your old life, I think."

"Hm." I looked up at the sky and pondered that a moment. Kanan was dead, my old village destroyed by my own two hands, and I had no friends, no family, and nothing to live for. My old life was more than gone. It had been destroyed.

In my old life, I never would have been climbing a god forsaken mountain on the whim of a Sanzo priest. I likely never would have had to fight a ogre either; nor would I have almost died in a collapsing building. I certainly wouldn't have sped down a hill in a hand cart or drifted for miles down a raging river with a chain-smoking child of taboo. Instead, I would have been home with Kanan, or else playing with my students this afternoon.

It wasn't that the old life was really so much better, I supposed. I mean, of course, I would always miss Kanan, and I would grieve her death for years to come. But that didn't mean I should stop living. Right?

I laughed again, and Gojyo looked at me, startled. "What's wrong with you?"

"Well, it looks as if I have quite a strange, _new_ life."

"Man, I never realized what an optimist you are."

"Let's go home." I suggested, "I think I want that drink you promised me."


	2. Chapter 2

Mission Two

Abandonment Issues

I flipped the lid of my lighter open thoughtfully, "Maybe I shoulda' refilled this before we left."

Hakkai, who had paused off to the side of the trail, answered mildly, "I don't think this will take very long."

"You don't think what will take long? Fighting off a gang?"

"We don't have to fight them; we simply have to convince them to vacate the area."

"Damn, since when are we the police?"

He crouched down, feeling around the base of the plant he'd been inspecting, "We do whatever Sanzo doesn't have time to squeeze into his undoubtedly busy schedule, as you well know. I'm sure he's much too busy to deal with something so trifling."  
>I snorted at his sarcasm. In these last six months of living with the guy, if there was one thing I'd learned, it was that Hakkai's sarcasm was seamless, and it had taken this whole half year just to get a decent idea of when he was joking and when he meant what he said. This time, I knew he couldn't possibly be serious. "Yeah, well what the hell does Sanzo care if there's a gang living in these woods or not? And what the hell are you doing?"<p>

He pulled the plant up suddenly, stood up again and walked to me, holding out the lush, green stem so I could see the brown, clotted bulb on the end, "You said you were hungry, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but I ain't about to eat dirt."

Hakkai shook his head sadly, "Didn't anyone ever teach you anything? It's an onion."

I took the plant slowly, "Really? An onion?"

"A sweet onion, in fact. Just peel it."

We began walking again, and I scraped absently at the dirt encasing the bulb for a few minutes before I saw that it really _was_ an onion. "People have taught me plenty of things." I told him. "Just not _this_ kind of shit."

"Yes, I know. You're all street smarts and no book smarts. And to answer your other question, I think Sanzo is a little leery of having gangs in the area because there's no telling when they might try to rob Keiun. It's not as if it's never happened before."

Yeah, I guess that made sense. After Banri's gang of temple thieves had been in town, I guess I couldn't blame Sanzo for being nervous. "Either way, doin' that guy's dirty work for a living sure does suck." I finished peeling the onion and took a bite. It actually wasn't too bad. I don't know if I'd call it sweet, but it definitely wasn't like a normal, sour, eye-watering onion. It had a nice crunch too.

Hakkai didn't answer. I had no idea what he was thinking—I could never even begin to guess what Hakkai was thinking—he was a complicated guy, and I knew there was a lot going on in his head. He wasn't a bad dude though. He kept my apartment clean, and he was a damn good cook. I'd gained almost ten pounds in the last six months, and I was looking pretty slim and sexy just the same, if I did say so myself. Amazing what three square meals a day could do for a guy.

Normally, he was pretty fun to be around too. For the most part, he stayed in a good mood, and he was polite to a fault. A nice guy if I'd ever met one. Never mind that dark past of his. All the ladies in town were smitten with him, and I'd been straining to control my rampant jealousy for months now. It was just 'cause he was new and so nice, and besides, I told myself, Hakkai's not interested in any chicks. Not right now.

I finished off the onion and rested my elbow on Hakkai's shoulder, lighting up a cigarette, "Hey, you finished off that last gang all by yourself, didn't you?" It was a stupid question. I knew damn well he had. I'd been there, tied to the chair, watching in disbelief as he took on twenty guys alone.

"Yes, you were no help whatsoever." Hakkai was also pretty good at dishing it right back whenever I decided to bust on him a little. Sometimes it still honestly surprised me. "What's your point?"

I grinned. "You got this then."

Hakkai smiled back at me so brightly I felt a chill begin at the top of my spin, "Oh, I see what you're saying. You want me to bring home the proverbial bacon. You expect me to go out and be the breadwinner while you stay behind and keep the house tidy. That's very noble of you, Gojyo, volunteering for the woman's position. I hope you realize that means no more late night partying—I'll expect warm dinner on the table when I get home, of course. Not to mention a foot massage."

I let my arm slide off his shoulder and took a puff off my cigarette, "On second thought, I probably shouldn't let a little guy like you go off and handle this kinda' shit on your own."

Hakkai laughed, "Well, I'm not too fond of your cooking in the first place."

"Hey, I'm not a bad cook."

"Yes, you made a fine grilled cheese sandwich the other day. That crisp, black, burnt taste was so subtle."

"What can I say? I don't do very well with the girly stuff."

"All the better for attracting a female, I suppose."

"How'd I wind up living with another dude anyway?"

"Oh, don't mind me. I promise not to be jealous when you finally manage to find Miss Perfect. Assuming it ever happens."

"Hey now. That was uncalled for-"

He stopped right in front of me, and I nearly ran into him. "We're here."

I looked up. We were at some kind of…I don't know, barracks, I guess. There was a handful of old, sort of ragged-looking buildings, some with boarded up windows or sagging roofs. There wasn't any grass, just a dusty, dirty compound, and off to the right I saw an old, stone well. A few guys were patrolling the perimeter, but we were still hidden in the trees for the most part, so they hadn't noticed us yet. _I_ noticed they were all carrying heavy artillery: big machetes, daggers, battle axes, staffs and even crossbows.

"What is this place?"

"According to Sanzo, there was a town here, long ago. Most of it was burned to the ground, but a few buildings are still functional." He turned to look at me, frowning slightly, "Do you _ever_ listen to what Sanzo tells us during the briefing?"

"First of all, it ain't really a briefing. It's not like we're a damn military. Secondly. No. I try not to—but, it's okay, right, 'cause you listen, and that's all that matters."

Hakkai scoffed, "I'm going to start requiring you to take notes."

"Fuck _that_."

"Regardless of whether you paid attention or not, the job isn't going to complete itself, so shall we get started?"

"Why not?" I stepped around him and started moving out of the woods.

Hakkai tried to call me back, "Gojyo, wait a minute. We haven't discussed our planned course of action yet."

"What, we're just gonna' go up and tell 'em to get lost, aren't we?"

Hakkai sighed, and a second later I heard him coming after me.

He was always sort of reluctant like that. I didn't think it was that he was scared or anything, but I got the sense that he didn't like going in, guns blazing. He'd rather try to find a non-violent solution to the problem. I wondered vaguely if that had to do with his past. After all, he'd said he didn't want to hurt people anymore.

To me, running in head first was the only way to ever get anything done. Especially if I was in a hurry, and right now, I had a whole night planned out that I couldn't wait to get to, and the sooner I finished up here, the better.

It didn't take long for the guards to see me coming. The first one had a long tanto knife. He paused and pointed it at me, probably wishing he had something a little more long range, "Stop right there! Who the hell are you?"

"Just the neighbor. Came to borrow a cup of sugar." I pulled the cigarette from my mouth and smiled at him.

"Do pardon our intrusion." Hakkai added, stepping up beside me, "We've come to speak with the man in charge, whoever he may be."

"Who _are_ you?" the guy asked firmly. He had a long scar over his right arm and he looked like he might be a youkai. I wondered if they all were.

A ways behind him, a few other guards had noticed us and were running in our direction, shouting. People started coming out of the buildings too, but it looked like they were just looking to see what was happening.

The three new guards arrived on the scene. One had an axe, the other two were carrying crossbows. They looked like they meant business. The guy with the axe was definitely a youkai, with the ears and the fangs and shit, the crossbow dudes looked human. I guess that answered my question about whether it was a mixed gang or not. Damn, I didn't like having those arrows aimed at my face though.

"Hey, why don't you put those damn things down." I snapped. "Imagine how shitty my love life's gonna' be if one of you dumbasses puts an arrow through my eye."

They didn't move.

"I believe what my friend is trying to say, in his extremely rude and self-absorbed manner, is that we didn't come here to fight with you. We have a message for your leader, and then we'll be on our way."

The first guy had a pretty bad case of one-track mind, because all he said was "I'll ask you one more time; who the fuck are you people?"

Hakkai sighed again and exchanged a half-irritate, half-regretful look with me, "My name is Cho Hakkai, and this is Sha Gojyo. We're local messenger boys, and we've come to have a word with your leader."

"Messenger boys my ass." I grumbled.

Hakkai nudged me with his elbow but kept smiling pleasantly, "If you don't mind, we'd like to deliver our message and be on our way home."

"That's right. Some of us have gotta' night life to get here."

"Who is the leader here, may I ask?" He demanded, sounding a bit impatient when they still didn't make a move to call out their head hancho. "Is there one? Or are you simply a band of mindless rabble?"

"I'm the leader here." A deep, smooth voice announced, and I looked around, saw a guy coming down out of the nearest building. He was a lot taller than either of us, which was impressive to me, being an even six feet tall myself, and he was buff. Not like disgustingly buff, but he was definitely all muscle, shirtless, with a sword strapped on his back, wearing big, black combat boots and military fatigues. Something about his shaggy, blonde hair and his frowning face and the cigarette in his mouth made me think of Sanzo. He was a youkai, with claws that could turn me into jerky in a matter of a couple of strikes, but he was holding a helluva piece. I'm talking 44 revolver, black, shiny and dangerous. It made me remember just how utterly unarmed me and Hakkai were.

Dr. Danger threw his cigarette down and stomped on it viciously, "Messengers, huh? You're nothin' but a coupla' kids."

"Kids?" I demanded. "We're both goin' on twenty here, asshole."

He made a sound. I think it was supposed to be a laugh, but his mouth wasn't smiling, and there was murder in his eyes. It made me want to take a step back. "I was wrong then. You're a coupla' _babies._"

I started to toss an insult his way, but Hakkai suddenly grabbed my wrist and squeezed really, really tight, and while I was wriggling and struggling to wrench away, he said coolly, "Excuse me, sir. We're not trying to intrude—but we have a message for you; if you care to hear it now we can be on our way forthwith."

The guy gave Hakkai a really strange look. I think he got that a lot, talking all proper and shit. "Then why are there two of you? It should only take one ballsy kid to relay a message, shouldn't it?"

"Just a matter of precaution, I assure you."

"I get you, son." The guy grinned, a gnashing display of sharp skeleton teeth. "There's safety in numbers."

I was starting to get a bad feeling about all of this.

He was right in front of us now, looking us over like we were a couple scraps of meat, and I could smell sweat and sex and booze all over him. Suddenly, he reached out and caught a handful of my hair, running it through his fingers like it was a ribbon.

It startled me so bad, I jumped back, jerking my hair.

The creep laughed at me, then turned back to Hakkai, "So you brought your mutt with you, son? Somethin' tells me his bark's worse than his bite."

I shoved him off, growling, "Don't fuckin' touch my hair, asshole."

He only laughed more and patted my cheek, "See what I mean?"

"About our message." Hakkai said coldly, shouldering up next to me.

"Stow your message, green eyes. It don't matter now." He grabbed my chin next, jerking my head back and forth like he was trying to get a good angle on my jaw, musing as he did so, "Nasty scars," and I did my best to keep calm, but when he pried my lips back to get a look my teeth, I lost it. "Get your filthy hands offa' me, ya' sick fuckin' son of a-"

In the blink of an eye, that shiny, black, dangerous as hell 44 was level with my forehead.

"Don't make me blow the top of your head off, kiddo. That'd be such a waste."

I stood perfectly still, not even breathing, and beside me, Hakkai did the same thing. I couldn't figure out what was happening here. Weren't we just supposed to tell them to scram and see how that went and then go home? Maybe fight. Maybe not. Maybe have to come back later and beat them up. I wasn't supposed to have a big-ass gun in my face, yet again.

Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at Hakkai. Last time something like this happened, he'd just dealt with it. He'd snapped his limiters off, one, two, three, and then we went home. Any second now, he was going to go crazy on this guy's ass, and we'd be out of here, and screw delivering the message. This asshole didn't even deserve to have a warning. He deserved to be taken apart, for pulling my hair and touching my face and calling me mutt.

Hakkai wasn't moving. His eyes were fixed on the big youkai's face, and I realized that more of them were closing in on us, and they had guns too. I don't know how I'd missed the guns before, if they'd had them all along or if they'd had to go get them, but either way, they had them now, drawn and ready to fire at any slight indication of movement.

My mind was a blur of thoughts. There had to be some way out of this. There had to be something I could do to escape. Fight. Run. Something. My heart was beating so hard it hurt. If I so much as twitched, this guy was going to shoot me. I saw the cold, careless expression in his eyes, and I knew he wasn't kidding—I was nothing to him. Just another worthless punk-ass and I had to face the facts: even in his youkai form, I didn't think there was anything Hakkai could do to get us out of this either. If he reached for his limiters he might get them off in time to save himself, but I'd be a bloody shell on the ground, and I knew Hakkai wasn't selfish enough to do that to me.

I guess I should be relieved, but I just felt angry.

"Now." The leader drawled softly, "Why don't you boys put your hands in the air, and don't try anything. You're pretty well surrounded."

Hakkai tried one last time to negotiate, "That seems excessive. Why don't you just hear me out and let us go home?"

"I don't think you wanna' hear all the grim, dirty details, son. Just put your hands up."

Slowly, Hakkai lifted his hands. For a heart-pounding second, I thought he'd go for it—he'd at least try taking his limiter off—but he just raised them above his head and stood there, so perfectly docile you'd think he really was human.

"Well?" The man glared at me.

I felt the icy steel of the barrel tap my forehead innocently.

"You too, kiddo."

Resignedly, I put my hands up.

Did the sicko lower his gun though? He kept the muzzle hovering just millimeters from the bridge of my nose. One tick of the finger and I'd have a hole through my face. "March." He ordered.

We marched, hands clasped behind our necks, guns jamming against our backs, they walked us side by side through the middle of the barracks; everyone was standing around watching, whispering to each other and laughing. That really pissed me off.

Actually, the whole thing pissed me off. What were they going to do with us? Lock us up somewhere? For what? Maybe they'd just take us behind the shed and shoot us. But why? We didn't do anything to them. God damn that fucking Sanzo for making us do this. I had plans for tonight, plans I shouldn't have to miss for anything. Especially not this.

Just once, I tried to catch Hakkai's eye, but he was very careful not to look back at me, and I got the sense he was doing it on purpose. That only made me angrier.

They marched us around to the tallest building in the compound. It was about twice the size of any of the other buildings, and it looked really rundown and crappy. The walls were scraped up and painted on, and there was some sort of makeshift barbed wire fence encircling it. They marched us up the concrete steps and through a pair of heavy, double doors. The inside of the place was extra fucking bleak. It was dark and stuffy and completely bare. It didn't even look like it had electricity. It was such a shit hole, the boss didn't even want to go in. He stood just outside the door as a few guys marched us inside, calling, "Don't rough 'em up too much: we need them in good shape."

That was the last weird straw for me. "Good shape for _what_?" I demanded, trying to twist around and get a look at him.

The guy escorting me bumped me with the barrel of his gun and shoved me forward, "Keep walking."

We went down a long hallway that was almost totally black. I could just barely see Hakkai walking in front of me. I brushed against the wall. It felt like rock.

When we finally stopped, we were standing in front of a small, featureless door with a number painted on it. It was too dark to even make out what that number was.

"Here we are." One of the guards laughed, swinging the door open, "Make yourselves at home."

"I ain't goin' in there." I snapped.

"Oh you'll go in. All together or in pieces, it don't make no difference to me."

"Gojyo." Hakkai nudged me, "Please don't cause any trouble."

Trouble? What the hell was he thinking? We were being kidnapped here! God only knew what kind of sick shit they wanted to do with us.

I was starting to feel dazed. This just felt so familiar. I was pretty sure something like this had happened to me before…maybe when I was a kid… If only I could remember those days a little better.

I bit my tongue and finally allowed the guards to shove me into the room.

One of them sneered, "Try to relax. You ain't goin' anywhere, kiddies."

Then the door slammed shut behind us. It sounded a lot heavier than it looked.

Immediately, I turned to shove against it, feeling once and for all just how solid it was. I tried the doorknob next, but it was locked. "Leme' outta' here, you asshole! What do you think you're doing? Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said-"

Hakkai gripped my arm, "I don't think that's going to do us any good."

I turned to him, angrier than ever, "What do you think we should do then?"

"I can think of half a dozen things that are twice as productive as screaming at the door, right off the top of my head."

"What the hell, Hakkai? Are you crazy?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Back there, you just stood there and let this happen."

"I didn't realize it was my responsibility to prevent this."

"You could have though."

"Me? I don't see how-"

"Stop it! You know what I'm talking about."

"No." He said coldly, "I'm afraid I don't."

"What, you're supposed to have killed a bunch of people or something, right? You're like a mass murderer, aren't you?"

I saw the outrage on his face, and for the first time I realized there was a window in the room, letting in some pale sunlight. "_I_ should have done something because _I'm_ a mass murderer? Just what did you expect me to do? They have _guns_, Gojyo."

Right, the guns. Right.

I started pacing angrily, "You didn't even try. I saw you wipe out fifty guys all by yourself once. What about _that_?"

"There weren't fifty."

"Well there were more than there are here."

"I highly doubt that. And in any case, I don't like having to resort to_ that_. I only did it before because I had no choice."

I remembered much too clearly what he was like without his limiter on, and when I thought about it, I understood why he didn't like walking around without it, like most youkai did. It could be the scariest thing I'd ever seen in my life. That smile was so…

"So what now?" I slumped to sit against the wall, just beneath the window. It was a pretty small window, and it was about five feet above my head anyway. I doubted I could jump that high. Could he?

"I refuse to believe we're entirely out of options. It's true that they have guns, but they seem to be a somewhat average band of slave traders."

"Slave traders?" I squawked. "Since when are they slave traders?"

Hakkai looked at me mildly. "Since always. Sanzo told us that in the briefing."

"They're gonna' sell us?"

"Hm. I highly doubt that. Of course, I'm sure they'd like to, but for the time being they're completely under the impression that we are a pair of human children. Well, they assume I am, at least. You're clearly…" he trailed off, started walking back and forth himself, thinking.

I'm glad he cut off there. I didn't want to hear the rest.

_You're clearly just a mutt._

"Regardless of what they want, they're wrong. As I was saying, they appear to be an average group of slave traders—not especially smart, not particularly powerful, and not all that large in number—it should be simple to outsmart as well as overpower them."

"So why didn't you-"

"Because I didn't want to get shot. But now, here, we have a much broader palette of options."

"Oh really?" I looked around, as if there was something I'd missed. "Because all I see are four walls and a locked door."

"There is, of course, the window." He pointed up at it.

"Yep. Saw that too. Saw that it's up about twice the height of me and gave up on it."

"In that case, you're giving up much too easily."

I just looked at him. I didn't know what he thought we could do with a window that was way too high for either of us to get to.

For the first time, I realized I'd dropped my cigarette out there somewhere, began to dig through my pockets for a new one.

"What do you think we should do?"

Hakkai grabbed me under the arm and pulled me to my feet. "The first step to getting anywhere is to stand up."

"So, you got a plan?" That was good. As long as he had a plan to get us out of here, I was happy. I just might get to go through with my arrangements for tonight after all.

"Of course I do. Do you honestly think I would have told you not to cause trouble at the door if I didn't have some idea of how we could get out of here?"

"Uh. Well. Yeah. I dunno'."

Hakkai shook his head, "I take back what I said about you being street smart."

"C'mon now, just 'cause I ain't in your head doesn't make me an idiot."

"Fortunately, you are good for something. Here. Kneel down under the window: I think if I stand on your shoulders I can reach it."

"I thought you wanted me to stand." I growled; the room was hot, and I felt itchy and irritable.

"Now I want you to kneel. Please keep in mind that we don't have a lot of time. And if anyone should want to escape from this place, it should be you. After all, that leader of theirs seemed very interested in you in particular."

Grumbling, I knelt down beneath the window, allowing him to step up on my shoulders, stood carefully. It looked like he could actually reach the window, and I felt stupid for not having thought of it, but still…

"Hey, 'Kai. What am I gonna' do when you get out there? I mean, how'm I supposed to get out?"

He pulled himself up onto the window easily, "Ah, that's the tricky part, I'm afraid. I could try to pull you up, but I don't think that would be very fruitful."

"But." My heart was starting to race a little bit again, "You do have a plan right? You _can_ get us both out of here?"

"Don't sound so distressed. It's a simple matter of me coming back and unlocking the door for you."

That felt familiar too. Hadn't someone done this to me before? Hadn't someone said 'you be the hostage until I get back' never meaning to come back in the first place?

"Yeah? But that means getting the key and sneaking past the guards and dealing with the guns, all by yourself. Doesn't it?"

"Gojyo. Stop worrying. Stay calm until I get back." With that, he ducked through the window and dropped out of sight.

"Hey wait!" I pressed against the wall, feeling how cold and uninviting it was, "Banri! I mean, _Hakkai!_"

He didn't answer.

"Hakkai?"

It was no use. He was gone.

_Gone. Just like that. 'Have a nice life, Gojyo'._

Just like Jien.

Shaking the thought away, I kept staring up at the window for a couple more minutes.

_Keep calm. No big deal. He said he'd come back. He'll be back._

_ Besides, if I make a lot of noise the guards'll get suspicious._

_ Shit, how's he supposed to sneak past all those armed guards to let me out?_

_ He just will. He has to. He said he'd come back._

_ He said he would._

I stripped off my coat. It was just way too hot in the cell, and I was even feeling a little dizzy from it. Then I found my lighter, lit my cigarette, and sat down again.

A long time passed, and I kept listening for any sign of Hakkai coming down the hallway. Either my cell was soundproof or nothing was happening anywhere.

I told myself it didn't matter. I was just being paranoid. Of course he was going to come back for me—he said he would.

_Since when does that matter?_

There had been plenty of people throughout my life who'd said they were going to do something and then didn't. People who said they'd give me something or let me crash with them or come back for me, and in the end I was the one they left behind or lied to or forgot about.

_Not Hakkai though._

_Why not Hakkai? He's just another asshole person, isn't he?_

I didn't want to think so. When I thought about Hakkai, smiling at me or cleaning my ashtray or digging up a goddamn onion because I was hungry, I didn't want to believe he was just another jerk who was going to let me down.

Why shouldn't I though? Hell, I didn't know him that well. Everyone I'd ever known was the same way: when the going got tough, they took off. Banri. Jien. Even I was like that. This was tough going. But wouldn't I be the perfect distraction. They still had me, why did they need to bother chasing him down. Did they need both of us?

'…_That leader of theirs seemed very interested in you in particular…'_

_ Creepy._

Why did he have to say that before he left?

Yeah, that guy was weird. What would he want with me?

I didn't want to think about what that sicko might want with me.

All I really wanted was for Hakkai to come back so I could go home.

"Hakkai?" I called, just hoping that for some stupid reason he could hear me and he would answer.

No answer.

_No way. He's halfway back to town by now._

No. No. I couldn't think that way. I couldn't believe he'd just leave me here.

_Jien did. Jien walked out on you knowing full well that you were twelve years old without a dime to your name. He was your _brother_._

If my own brother would walk out on me, why wouldn't Hakkai? Hakkai didn't want to be sold into slavery. Why shouldn't he take his opportunity to bolt and go for it?

_That's what I would do._

Maybe that was the real problem. That's what I would do, so I just expected everyone else to do it too.

_So what about Banri?_

I knew Banri for a couple of years. We were partners in crime. Accomplices. Drinking buddies…

Not friends though. Whatever we'd had never quite crossed the line into friendship. I had known he was going to leave me behind as soon as he was compromised. I had known he was going to throw me to the wolves. It hadn't been a surprise.

_I'm such an idiot._

It seemed like it was getting hotter by the second. My mouth was dry and I wished I'd brought some water. Not that they would have let me keep it. Or else Hakkai would have taken it when he left me here. Banri used to do shit like that.

_Hakkai isn't like Banri. He's well-bred and proper and polite and honest. When he says he's coming back for me, I should be able to believe it._

Believe it, maybe. But rely on it? Count on it? That was something else. I'd probably never see the bastard again. He'd go back to Chang'an and forget about me. All of them would.

_I ain't gonna' be a fuckin' slave though. I'll beat the living shit out of whoever comes through that door next._

_ Or they'll shoot me._

What could I do? What _should_ I do? Sit here waiting like an idiot for a guy who might not come back?

I finished a couple more cigarettes, and then my lighter went out, just like I'd known it would.

What a joke.

The room seemed darker now. How much time had passed?

Now I was dying of thirst, and I couldn't even smoke.

I knew my lighter was low on fluid, but I hadn't filled it. What was wrong with me? Why was I always so unprepared? Why was I always putting myself in these shitty situations?

_I can't even have a goddamn cigarette._

_ I gotta' get out of here._

_Where's Hakkai?_

_ Screw Hakkai—I gotta' get out of here now._

I got up again and looked up at the window, and then I tried jumping for it, falling short every time. I felt along the wall, looking for any kind of grip or handhold or abnormality in the wall that might help me climb up, but there wasn't so much as a groove. I went so far as to look for a tunnel or a secret passage way, and when that failed, I tried the door again, but the window was my only way out. I stared up at it a while, willing it to move.

It was still about five feet over my head, that hadn't changed. I still couldn't jump that high. _That_ hadn't changed either. The only thing that had changed was that I was in here, alone.

_Alone. I'm totally alone, and it sucks._

_Story of my fucking life._

_I got left behind, and now I'm alone, and it sucks ass._

_Hakkai might still come back._

_If he was going to, he'd have done it by now. Grow up, Gojyo—he's probably home packing up his shit right now._

_And I'm here alone._

What could be worse? Getting kidnapped might have been bearable if there were someone to bitch to about it, but being here alone…

I looked around the cell and got chills. It was so dark and so quiet and insurmountable. I couldn't get out, no matter what I did. I couldn't dig through solid rock with my bare hands. I couldn't reach the window by myself. When the guards came, they'd shoot me if I tried to run.

That might be better than being somebody's slave.

_I can't start thinking like that yet. Hakkai might come back._

But it had been at least an hour since he'd left, and I couldn't help feeling like he should have been back by now.

_Maybe he went to get back up._

_Maybe he's dead. Maybe he went out there and they shot him on sight._

_Maybe he ran for the woods and he's never coming back._

With a moan, I slumped over onto my side. Why did I ever trust that guy? I hadn't even known him a whole year. There was a lot about him that I didn't know, and now I never would.

_Because I'm a stupid, over-eager cunt who's all too willing to put my faith in anybody who acts like we're friends._

Pathetic.

Still, there was something else: a small seed of thought that grew a little when I let it.

_He came last time. He knew I was in trouble, he knew there was going to be danger, but he still came, even though I told him not to get involved._

I knew better than to think he might do that again.

"I'm fucked. I'm so fucked."

Not yet. I needed to give it a little more time.

How much time though? A couple hours? All night? One whole day? When was I supposed to tell myself 'he's never coming back' and give up on him?

"Hakkai?"

_ Right now._

"_Hakkai_!"

_I'd better give up on him right now._

At least if I gave up now I wouldn't torture myself for the next twenty-four hours thinking he might show up. That would be stupid anyway. It would waste my energy, and I needed all my energy and brainpower to find my own way out of this.

I'd be an idiot to sit here and count on somebody to come to the rescue.

Because it all started with Jien. Jien was my brother—someone who should have been there for me, no matter what—and he'd abandoned me like it was nothing, and now I'd be stupid to think anyone else would do any different. Especially a guy I'd just met.

Besides, I drove Hakkai crazy. I was always trashing the house and making a mess, waking him up at night when I came home drunk, worrying him, badgering him, saying dumb shit I knew would piss him off. Like 'you're a mass murderer, right?' What a dumb thing to say. No wonder he'd left me behind.

I'd leave me behind too.

Who wouldn't? There was a reason everyone else had before.

_Fuck them. I don't need any of them. Hakkai can fuck himself—I'll get myself out of this._

And then go back to being all alone, all the time.

_Shit._

I clenched my fists. I couldn't help it. I felt a weird pain somewhere, deep inside my chest, and a void in my heart. Alone again. Always alone. Destined to be alone. That was my curse. Time to own up and take it like a man. Time to face that loneliness was the only thing I'd ever get to have. Loneliness and women who wouldn't remember my name in the morning. That's what I deserved. That's what I was used to. I'd be totally spoiled to think anything else could happen.

And yet…

I threw my head back and screamed just as loud as I could, so even if he was on the other side of the world by now, he'd hear me and have to remember that he'd left me behind, and that I was alone.

"HAKKAI!"

The door swung open. It scared the shit out of me, and I sat up with a jolt.

"Why are you screaming in here?"

He was just standing there, like nothing was wrong, like he'd been gone a couple minutes, looking calm and composed as ever.

I stared at him, unable to speak.

"Gojyo? Are you all right?"

For the first time, I realized how hard I was breathing, and then it struck me just how scared I must look. Not because I thought I was going to die or because I was afraid to live the rest of my life as someone else's slave. Nothing like that at all. In actuality, I didn't have any reason to look so goddamn scared, and there was so little in this world that _could_ scare me in the first place…

"Gojyo." Hakkai knelt beside me and touched my shoulder. I'd never been so grateful for physical contact in my whole life. It made me want to fling my arms around him and hug the shit out of him, but that would be totally gay and weird.

Instead, I pushed the hair out of my eyes, "Uh, sorry…I was just…spacing out. I guess."

"What were you screaming about?"

"I wasn't screaming."

"I heard you all the way down the hall."

Embarrassed, I looked away.

Hakkai waited a while, and then stood up, "Don't you want to go home? I could leave you here if you like."

I jumped up. "Hell no. I ain't staying here. Let's scram. Hey, what's the situation anyway? How'd you get the key?"

"It was easier than I thought."

I didn't ask. I didn't have to. The building was suspiciously quiet as we walked back the way we came. I didn't see a single living soul lurking in the shadows, and when we stepped outside, I understood why.

The compound was littered with bodies. Some were bleeding, others looked as if they had just fallen asleep there, but I didn't see anyone running around with a gun, and I knew without asking that he'd gotten all of them.

"I didn't hear any gunshots."

Hakkai didn't look at me, "Well, most of them didn't get an opportunity to use their gun."

I thought about the Hakkai I'd seen the night Banri betrayed me, the way he'd moved and acted, how different he was without his limiter. How violent and dangerous. Of course they didn't get a chance to use their guns. They probably never saw him coming.

Just like the people in Hyakugan Moah's castle. Minding their own business one moment, brutally murdered the next. Hakkai was silent death,

This mild-mannered, smiling know-it-all next to me. Silent death. I almost couldn't comprehend it.

"Did you have to take your earring off?" I asked on our way out of camp.

"I told you I don't like to resort to that. That thing's not _me_, Gojyo."

I didn't get it. Being half human, I'd probably never get it.

One thing I did get though, and that was that he'd done all this with his limiter still on.

I couldn't help gaping at him. Just how strong was this guy?

_Strong enough to kill a thousand youkai_.

I noticed the gang leader lying face down off to the side, and it looked like Hakkai had roughed him up quite a bit. There were bloody patches in the dirt around the body.

"Whew. What'd he do to deserve _that_?"

Hakkai kept walking steadily, "I thought he deserved some pay back for being rude to you is all, though, I suppose I might have overdone it."

"Damn. I'm gonna' be polite from now on."

"Please do. That would be very nice of you."

I lingered back to watch him a moment. This morning, I'd thought I understood everything there was to know about Hakkai, and now suddenly, I felt like I knew more about him than ever before. And still I didn't quite get him.

"Sanzo should be pleased, I think. We went above and beyond the call of duty wiping out this slave ring. I highly recommend you pay attention at the briefings from now on, though; I had no idea you didn't realize they were slave traders. I assumed something like this might happen, and it would have been nice if you were expecting it too."

"You knew they were going to try to capture us? That would have been nice to know ahead of time. Didn't Sanzo tell us _that_? I feel like I would have remembered something that important."

"I suppose Sanzo thought it was obvious. After all, we're two perfectly healthy young men."

"Well, _you_ could have said somethin', Hakkai."

He laughed lightly, "Yes, that's true. I have no excuse for that, other than I wasn't sure you would come if you knew, and I couldn't do this without you."

"As if. You left me to rot in that cell the whole time."

"Yes, and I noticed you didn't find a way to escape. I don't think I'm _that_ much smarter than you are."

"Man, you're unbelievable." And then I snorted, "For the record, I still woulda' come."

To that, he just smiled.

We walked a ways in silence until the gang camp was completely out of sight behind us, and then Hakkai said, "I apologize for leaving you there, Gojyo. I didn't realize it would upset you that much."

I debated a second about how I should respond, almost told him I hadn't been upset, but he didn't give me the opportunity to speak.

"You were screaming, weren't you? Were you really that afraid?"

"No. I just…" I ran my hand back through my hair, swore under my breath, and admitted, "I just really hate to be alone. It sucks."

Hakkai gave me an odd look. "That explains quite a bit."

"Yeah. Well. Anyway. It's no big deal."

"Gojyo." He stopped. "You didn't think I was going to leave you there, did you."

I stopped cold too.

Damn. He had to go and hit it right on the head. How did he even do that?

"I'm not Banri, you know."

"Yeah, of course not."

He came and stood beside me, and I could practically feel him searching my face, like he'd find the truth there somewhere. But it wasn't that simple. I wasn't a book just anybody could pick up and read. I didn't need everybody knowing my business.

"I guess I'm just used to getting left behind." I blurted out.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

I shrugged, "It's not your problem."

"That's debatable, but more importantly, I would never leave you behind in such a selfish manner. And I certainly didn't leave you there because I wanted to."

"Yeah." I shrugged again. "It's no big deal, Hakkai. Just forget about it."

"Gojyo." He put his hand on my shoulder, compelling me to look him in the eye at last. "Do you believe me?"

"I-"

I shouldn't have. People were always saying things they didn't really mean—I'd learned a long time ago not to trust what just anyone said—but for some reason that didn't feel like it fit here. For some reason, not one of the cynical, bitter life lessons I'd learned seemed to fit with Hakkai. I felt like I could actually trust him, and I wasn't sure why.

And that's when I remembered something else about that day. When Hakkai took off his limiter and fought all those guys and even killed some of them, when he hung up his promise of peace and turned his back on what he thought he should do, he'd done it all for me. He'd gone out of his way to do all those things, and it wasn't for himself or to get something from someone else, it had just been to save me.

No one else I'd met ever since Jien left had done anything like that for me—Hakkai stood apart from them all—so maybe that was why the bullshit lessons I'd learned from the rest of this asshole world didn't apply to him. He wasn't like anyone else I'd ever met.

I guess that was enough for me to at least think about giving him the benefit of the doubt. After all, there were no guarantees, but I'd long since given up on looking for guarantees, so there was always the chance that he was lying or that he wanted something or that some day he was just going to turn his back on me for some reason, but that wasn't what I'd seen today, and as much as it scared me, I had to accept that maybe now, just this once, I had met someone who I could honestly trust. Even more than that. Hakkai might be someone I could actually count on to come back for me and to bail me out if I needed him to.

That was a new feeling, and it was freaky, but…hell, I kind of liked it. It was a helluva lot better than being alone.

In the end, only time would tell for sure. For now though…

"Yeah." I grinned at him, "I guess so."


	3. Chapter 3

Mission Three

Orphans

It was cold, and I was tired with a dull kind of drowsiness I couldn't quite shake, even with the winter chill biting at my neck, and the worst part was, we weren't going to get home until late tonight, which really sucked, because all I wanted to do was fall face first onto my bed and sleep.

I looked around at the little town we were passing through. It was nice. Smaller than our town, and more quaint, and bathed in the red-orange light of the setting sun, it seemed surreal. For the most part, the streets were empty, curtains drawn in every building we passed, and all the shopkeepers were closing up for the night, and it felt like the crunch of my own boots in the icy snow was the only sound in the world.

There were probably some pretty sexy, 'girl next door' type babes living here.

"We should just get a room here." I suggested half-heartedly.

"That would be nice, wouldn't it?."

"But?"

"Well, we don't exactly have the money for that."

"For a shitty room in this tiny place?"

"Small towns tend to have higher rates on everything; besides, we'll have to pay for dinner too, and we'll have to tip the staff and so forth. As I said, we just don't have the money. Or the time, for that matter."

"Damn. But I'm tired." I kicked a pile of snow. I thought about kicking it _at_ him, but I didn't think that would end well for me.

"It shouldn't take us that long to get home, I don't think."

"Right, just another three and a half hours." I scoffed.

What did Sanzo have to send us all the way out here for? Couldn't that guy ever do anything for himself?

"Please try to be patient, Gojyo. Enjoy the trip. After all, the scenery's pretty, isn't it?"

A girl walked past us, going the other way. She looked seventeen or eighteen, with long, black eyelashes and a velvet hood up over her caramel colored hair. She was carrying a little hand basket, and I could tell by her sweet, innocent face, she was the type of 'girl next door' chick who's father would shoot me if he found me in her room. "Very pretty." I agreed, following her with my eyes.

"And don't look so lasciviously at teenage girls while we're here, if you can help it."

"Hey, I'm still technically a teenager, you know." And he was too, now that I thought about it. That was kind of weird—he always acted so mature and responsible.

I couldn't even imagine being responsible. Maturity was a distant dream.

"Not for much longer though."

"Right, so I gotta' get away with as much as I can before then."

"Suit yourself. However, if you find yourself in need of an alibi, please don't look to me. I intend to claim that I don't know you."

"That's my roomie. Always lookin' out for me."

Hakkai laughed lightly, white steam spouting from his mouth like cigarette smoke. I wondered if he had any sense of the truth in my words. I couldn't even count how many times he'd had to help me find my own frickin' bed when I'd stumbled home drunk in the middle of the night, and almost every meal I'd eaten in the last nine months he'd made himself. How many times had he broken up a fist fight just to keep me from getting in trouble? It seemed like he was always shaking his head at me and saying 'I warned you', or better still, 'I told you so.'.

But I was finally getting used to it now. I didn't fight it so much now—I just accepted it when he nagged at me—I had gotten past feeling outraged and wondering where he got off whenever he told me what to do in my own house. In fact, I was starting to think I was better off like this anyway.

My hands were starting to tingle from the cold. I shoved them into my coat pockets, feeling the delicate shape of the relic Sanzo had sent us to retrieve. "One more job for Sanzo in the bag." I sighed.

"And that means grocery shopping tomorrow."

"Yeah. For you. Sucker."

"I would remind you that it's your turn, had you not wasted such a substantial amount of money on junk food the last time you went grocery shopping alone. It seems I'm obliged to go, regardless of whose turn it happens to be."

A group of boys darted across the street in front of us, laughing, a small, soot-colored dog chasing after them, barking. I almost tripped over them. "Woah! Hey, watch it, you brats!" I snapped.

Hakkai kept right on smiling. These days, if he wasn't smiling, I started to feel nervous. "Now, now. They're just having fun."

I watched after the kids for a second. The oldest looked about twelve, and it looked like he was having the time of his life with all his friends. I guess that's how it was supposed to be, right?

"You like kids, Hakkai?" I asked as we kept walking.

"I'm surprised you feel the need to even ask."

He got along with Goku pretty well at least. "So that a yes?"

"Yes, I suppose I do. I was a teacher for a while…before…"

I nodded energetically, hoping he wouldn't feel like he had to continue.

"At any rate, I find it refreshing to see children who have something to laugh about."

Startled, I turned to him, wondering if he'd somehow taken the thought right out of my head.

Hakkai noticed that I was looking at him, and his smile grew, but his eyes were far away, "Come on, let's hurry."

"What do we need to hurry for? I'm cold—let's stop and get some sake at least."

"There's no time."

"No time for sake?"

"Lest you forget, we do have a deadline to meet."

"A deadline? We do?"

"Sanzo said he wanted the relic back by tonight."

"Well whoop-dee-frickin'-doo. What's he going to do, take it out of our pay?"

"He might try."

"So let him try."

"Gojyo." Hakkai's expression and voice turned deadly serious, "I told Sanzo we would have the relic to him on time."

"So what?"

For the first time in a long time, I saw Hakkai speechless. "I-well…you know, some people do their best to hold to what they said they would do."

I narrowed my eyes at him, "_Some_ people?"

"Come now. Don't give me that look."

"What're you sayin'? I don't keep my word?"

"I'm saying that I don't think I've ever seen you do something you said you would do."

"Whatever! That's bullshit, Hakkai. When was the last time I-"

"Three days ago, you promised me you would clean the kitchen, since you're the one who trashed it whilst intoxicated. When we left this morning, it was exactly the way it was three days ago."

"Oh, okay, _one_ thing."

"And you also told me you were going to start making an honest effort to stop using beer cans as ashtrays."

"Yeah, well I really don't get why that bothers you in the first place."

"Now that I think of it, you also told me you weren't going to come home drunk at five in the morning anymore."

"Please. That's got nothing to do with you."

He looked at me sharply. "What time _did_ you get home last night? Or should I say, _this morning_?"

Wasn't I just thinking that I had finally gotten used to his nagging? It was like he was purposely trying to get me to change my mind.

"Alright, so I don't always do what I say I'm gonna' do-"

"I could go on, you know."

My temper snapped, "Yeah? Well, maybe if you weren't such a frickin' neat-freak you wouldn't even feel like you had to keep a long-ass list of all my faults. By the way, you're not perfect either."

"Do tell then. What do I do to annoy you?"

Damn. He had me there. There was nothing…well, almost nothing.

"You're a total nag, for one thing. And you're a control freak."

Hakkai laughed, a little more rudely than was usual, "It sounds as if you're grasping at straws."

"You gotta' have your fingers in every little thing that goes on; and you want everything to be just so.

"Gojyo." He was actually starting to sound pretty angry. Maybe I'd better watch my step. "I am _not_ a control freak."

"You oughta' get the swastika branded on your forehead." Well, I guess fuck watching my step.

"I'm sure that to a total and utter slob, a bit of cleanliness _does_ look like totalitarianism. Forgive me for being so close-minded and unaccepting."

Man, I didn't really want to get into all that.

"Hakkai…"

"While you're at it, would you mind very much excusing me for wanting to live in a semi-inhabitable environment?"

"Hakkai."

"Most of all, pardon me for sitting up at four o'clock in the morning wondering where in the world my inconsiderately negligent room mate could possibly be and what might have happened to him."

"Hakkai! C'mon, chill out, man."

He glared at me, but not the half-playful, half-irritated look I was used to. No, this was something I'd never seen before. It was this dark, unforgivingly angry look. If I had to pick one word to describe it, I'd choose…. Terrifying. Just terrifying. It seriously made me want to run away and hide somewhere.

It was more than enough to stop me in my tracks. I put my hands up, just in case I had to ward him off. "Hey, hey, I'm sorry, alright? I didn't mean it—I'm just tired." I tried to smile, tossed a joke in for good measure, "That's what happens when you come home at five in the morning."

No good. He didn't like the joke, and worse yet, the scary look didn't lift from his face.

What could I do? What if his face was always like that from now on? I swallowed hard and said a little more quietly, "Jesus, dude. Fix your face. You're scaring the shit outta' me here."

Still no dice. It looked like he wanted to kill me.

"I'm stupid, okay? You're right. We don't have time for sake—we need to get the relic to Sanzo. Sorry I even thought about it; I'd never wanna'…compromise your honor…or somethin' like that."

His eyes lightened up just a little. "I'm glad to hear that, Gojyo. You might still have a shot at becoming a well-rounded adult before you turn twenty this November." He started walking again.

Mystified and bewildered that he was giving it up as suddenly as he'd lost his temper, I followed him, "Um…you…you know when my birthday is?"

Hakkai looked over his shoulder at me, and thank God, his face was back to normal. "Of course I do."

"How?"

"You told me."

"And you remembered?"

I swear he rolled his eyes. Hakkai wasn't a roll your eyes kinda' guy, but I swear he did. He didn't even have to say anything.

I put a new cigarette in my mouth and we walked quietly, and I tried really, really hard to remember when his might be. March? That didn't seem right? How was I supposed to know? Maybe he didn't even care if I knew. It's not like we were dating or something. Still, he knew mine. It just seemed like I should know his too. What if he'd never even told me his? What if I was thinking about it for nothing? Shit. If only I could remember.

"Don't worry about it." He said, like he'd read my mind. "I don't expect you to remember when mine is."

"Oh. Uh. Did you…ever tell me?"

He just nodded.

Of course he didn't expect me to remember. Not his 'inconsiderately negligent', irresponsible, immature roommate. Maybe I should just be grateful to be off the hook.

I paused on the corner. There was some shouting coming from across the street that almost sounded like a fist fight or something. There were kids chanting 'fight, fight, fight' and there were angry screams and mean laughter.

I looked over at the circle of boys. There were a few we'd seen earlier, clustered around, cheering and laughing, and in the center of the ring were a couple of teenage kids, probably fifteen or sixteen. They were picking on this scrawny little guy who looked like he was barely ten. One was had him in a choke hold while the other busted him in the gut over and over, and there was blood running down his face. It looked pretty serious.

Initial instinct said 'boys will be boys, now let's move on', but there was something else. Some hideous memory, trapped behind layers and layers of suppression and heavy drinking, a vague thought that lingered and drifted and was fading more and more as time went on.

…_what if somebody…_

"Gojyo?"

I blinked, recalled to reality, and then, barely thinking about it, I threw my cigarette down, stepped off the sidewalk, and crossed the street, all in one breath. I shoved my way through the group of kids with the slightest awareness of what I was doing. I pushed some kids to the side and approached the teenagers. By this time they had the little guy on the ground, shielding his head and begging.

There was something else in my eyes though. A little beat up, little, red-head kid. Not screaming and begging and cringing though. Fighting and cursing and looking and wondering…

What if somebody had…

That memory was still too elusive. I didn't understand it anymore than I understood what I was doing. And at the same time, I totally got it.

The first teenager saw me coming, and while his friend was kicking the shit out of the little guy, he got in my face, sneering and trying to act tough. He barely registered. I only saw some piece of shit punk with a bad haircut, and then I was throwing him back against the wall like he didn't weigh more than a bag of flour. He hit hard, wind knocked out of him, and crumpled to the ground.

His buddy noticed something was happening, but not soon enough. "Hey, jackass-"

I knocked him down just as easily and stood over them, and then I realized just how angry I was. I felt…furious. Totally out of control with rage. I felt the way Hakkai had looked not five minutes ago—like I could gut somebody and smile about it. These kids. These kids didn't deserve to get away with what they were doing.

The first kid got up, rubbing his arm, "You're dead!" He came at me.

I punched him in the face like he was moving in slow motion. I felt his nose explode, and blood splattered everywhere. He fell back down, crying and holding his face.

I kicked the second one under the chin before he could even get to his feet. I felt like curb-stomping the little bastard. I wanted to-

"Gojyo!" Hakkai grabbed my arm roughly, jerking me back out of my trance.

I blinked. Blinked again.

Some of the kids were running now, some screaming, some laughing. They were scattering like a pack of dogs. The teenager whose nose I'd busted was scrambling to get away too, leaving a trail of bright red drops on the snow.

Hakkai tried to help the other kid up. It looked like he was missing a couple teeth, and there was blood streaming down his chin. He shoved Hakkai away and ran like the rest of the brats.

"What on earth is wrong with you?" Hakkai demanded when they were all gone, "What would possess you to attack two adolescents?"

"They were pickin' on the little dude." I mumbled, but even I knew that wasn't a good enough excuse.

"I saw that. But that's no reason to think you can simply step in and beat them up. This is precisely the kind of thing I'm talking about with you. You're going to be twenty in just a few months; are you honestly going to continue acting this way, even when you're clearly an adult now? It's utterly juvenile to get in a fist fight with someone you don't even know for something that had absolutely nothing to do with you, and I for one-"

"Would'ja' quick lecturing me?" I barked. "What was I supposed to do? Just let them get away with it?"

Maybe something about the way I said it struck a chord with him. Or maybe he could just see exactly how I felt written all over my face. He stopped a moment, studying me carefully, and then asked softly, "Are you all right?"

"I asked you a question, _roomie._ What, you'll lecture me but you won't listen?"

His expression darkened again, but it looked more confused than angry this time, "I didn't say you shouldn't have stepped in, only that it was unnecessary to resort to violence, and if you think about it for a moment, I'm sure you'll realize that you know that as well as I do."

"I-"

"And if you don't mind a little friendly advice, _roomie_, you should try to calm down. You're picking a fight with the wrong person."

"Why, 'cause you can kick my ass?" I snorted.

He answered quietly, "Because I'm on your side, Gojyo." With that, he knelt next to the little guy, who was still huddled on the ground, doing his best to protect his head. There was snow and mud dusting the back of his gray, threadbare jacket-it looked like it was too small for him anyway-and he was shuddering violently.

Hakkai laid a hand on his shoulder, "It's all right now. They're gone."

The little kid slowly moved his hands away and looked up at us, face streaked with blood, tears and snot. His brown hair made me think of Goku.

"You're not hurt, are you?" Hakkai helped him to his feet and brushed off the front of his jacket. All his clothes looked pretty worn. His faded jeans and his shoes both had holes in them and his shirt was torn and ragged, and it probably had been even before his fight. He was dirty, but he was a pretty handsome kid—he'd be a ladies man when he grew up if he played his cards right.

He swiped a his nose with the back of his hand, "Yeah. I'm fine."

"Here." Hakkai got a clean, white rag out of his coat, something he'd probably brought along in case one of us needed a tourniquet, "For your nose."

The kid took it without looking at either of us, embarrassed or something. "Thanks."

"What were they picking on you for anyway?" I demanded, still feeling outraged and hardly knowing why.

He shrugged, "They said I'm on their turf. I…didn't do anything to them." He lowered his head a little.

I felt a shockwave of emotional pain blaze through me. Didn't I know exactly what that was like? Being the odd one out, the one who didn't belong, the one who was going to get punished by everyone for no good reason…

I noticed Hakkai looking at me out of the corner of his eye, questioningly almost. He'd have to be an idiot not to notice something was up, but it wasn't like I'd ever told him anything.

"Yeah, so go home." I snorted, trying to sound like it didn't matter to me one way or another.

"It's almost dinner time." Hakkai added, but something in his voice was careful. "Won't your parents be concerned?"

The kid hesitated a second, and then shook his head, "I don't got any parents. I'm'a orphan."

_Orphan._ The word hit me like a brick to the head, and then I could see the images more clearly. I could remember being chased by all the older kids on the block, getting my hair pulled and being laughed at, having to fight guys twice my size because I was too proud to back down or just take it. I could remember going home to mom, and the way she'd look at me like I was a disgusting, little rodent. Even Jien had said it at least once when we were really young. _You're an orphan, stupid. You don't have any parents._

I know he didn't mean it. He was just a dumb kid, talking out his ass, but it still stuck with me.

Anxiously, I lit another cigarette. If I didn't calm down, Hakkai was going to notice how weird I was acting and probably confront me about it. He was such a nag, always shoving his nose in my business.

"Well then, who looks after you? You must have some sort of guardian."

"Not really."

"You can't go wandering the streets alone. It's not safe."

That's what orphans do, Hakkai…

"I ain't scared." The kid said, sticking out his chest.

"No, of course not. It's just that…" Hakkai's voice trailed away, and I saw the weird look on his face. I wondered what he was thinking about.

"Hey!" I pounded his back suddenly, "Let's take him home with us!"

He adjusted his glasses, like I'd almost knocked them off his face. "What? Please be serious, Gojyo: this is not a joke."  
>"I am being serious. We could look out for 'im."<p>

Hakkai cocked an eyebrow at me skeptically, "I sincerely doubt that you are in anyway suited to providing for a child."

The words stung just a little, but not because I thought he was wrong—I knew he was right—but because he seemed so convinced that I was an immature screw-up. He acted like I'd never be good enough to take care of anybody. I could if I really wanted to.

"Yeah, but _you_ are."

"I think I already have one too many wayward juveniles to keep an eye on."

I couldn't figure out if that was supposed to be a joke or if he was actually still irritated with me, so I decided to ignore it. "You wanna' just leave him on the streets, Hakkai?"

He looked at me blankly; obviously he knew that saying yes would make him look like a total asshole. It was sort of nice seeing him unsure like that.

"Um. You don't have to worry about me." The kid said, when Hakkai and I had been glaring at each other for a couple of minutes at least. "My uncle lives nearby."

"Oh." I looked down at him, "Why didn't you say you had an uncle? You ain't livin' on the streets, you little poser."

"I _do _live on the streets." The kid corrected impatiently, "I've never met my uncle face-to-face, but I found out where he lives and I'm going to meet him."

Hakkai and I exchanged looks again. He asked, "You know for a fact where he lives?"

Was that a touch of concern in his tone? I ought to know when Hakkai was concerned, if anyone did.

The kid nodded vigorously.

"Hell." I tossed my finished cigarette and immediately started another, "Let's go then."

Hakkai was looking at me weird again. "Hold on just a moment. What does it have to do with us?"

Oh yeah. He was still worried about his freakin' deadline. What a tight ass. "I dunno'. What if he gets there and his uncle's not there after all? What's he supposed to do? Keep right on livin' on the streets?"

"I have no idea what he should do, but we don't exactly have time-"

"It's okay." The kid announced, picking up the back pack he'd dropped, "Uncle Fu's house isn't that far. I'll be fine." He gave us a little wave, "See ya'. Thanks again for helping me."

With that, he crunched away in the snow. It wasn't an image I wanted to see.

For what felt like forever, Hakkai and I had a staring contest. He was frowning for once, and he'd have to be seriously heartless not to be having some sort of guilt trip over this.

"C'mon, 'Kai, how long can it take?"

"Long enough that I don't want to do it."

"What's the big deal with you? You're bein' a total asshole."

"I'm being sensible, Gojyo. Though I don't expect you to know the difference."

"That again? Lay off."

"What I can't understand is why it means anything to you. There are hundreds of orphan children who live that way, and you randomly choose one to feel sympathy towards? I thought you were tired. I thought you wanted to go home. I can't imagine why you'd want to waste any time on this endeavor."

I shrugged, "Dunno'. Just…feel like it."

Hakkai cocked his head at me, curiously. "You're strange, Gojyo. After all this time, I still can't quite make sense of you."

"Call me crazy if you want. I'm gonna' go meet Uncle Fu, make sure he's real."

I started to crunch away after the kid.

Hakkai sighed, and a second later, he was right beside me, "We have to make this quick. We're not going to go inside and sit down and sip tea and shoot the breeze. As nice as that sounds on a cold day like this, we simply don't have the time for those types of pleasantries."

Grinning, I looped my arm around his neck, "Somebody doesn't seem to have time for _any_ pleasantries today. What's up with you anyway, Smiley?"

"I'm tired and I want to go home."  
>Was that supposed to be a joke?<p>

It didn't take time to catch up to the kid. I yelled at him until he looked back, and then we all walked together.

"So, uh, where's your Uncle Fu live?" Hopefully it was just around the corner. I really did want to go home and go to bed.

But, on the off-chance Uncle Fu was some perverted psycho, it would be good for the little guy to have some back up.

"Nearby, I hope." Hakkai mumbled.

"There's a village north of here. It's even smaller than this one; the lady at the market told me that sometimes people from there come here to get their groceries."

"An entirely different town?" Hakkai demanded, and just like that, that angry look was back on me.

"Uh-hunh. The lady told me that she's met my uncle. Sometimes Uncle Fu comes here to shop—that's why I was here today, hoping to run into him."

I was barely listening—Hakkai's glare was freaking me out.

"Gojyo."

"Hey, I had no idea. I thought'd it be closer than that."

He shook his head, "Just how far away is this other village?"

"Dunno." The kid shrugged, "Couple miles."

"A couple miles out of our way."

"Nobody asked you guys to come."

"That's very true. Gojyo, we're under no obligation to-"

"_You're _not, but _I_ made a commitment, and when Gojyo makes a commitment, he sticks to it."

"I find that extremely difficult to believe."

I waved him off, "So go home without me. I'll be back later."

I heard him sigh again, but he didn't leave.

Seriously, I didn't get the guy. Everything he thought, everything he said, was always just weird to me, and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what his motives were.

Banri's motives had always been simple. He was an easy guy to understand, because Banri was in the business of taking care of himself, even at the expense of others. He'd taught me everything I knew about surviving on the streets, and I'd known him pretty well, so there hadn't been anything he could do that would surprise me. In a way, I missed that simplicity. I missed knowing what the guy I was with was thinking and why he was thinking it, even if he had nasty motives.

We walked a long ways. It felt long anyway, but maybe that was because I was tired and Hakkai was seriously pissed at me, and I was listening to the pointless babbling of a kid. Before I knew it, the sky was dark, and the moon was out. The landscape around us was frosty, and the snow was blindingly bright. It was sort of fun though, tramping through the wilderness on a snowy night. I teased Hakkai quite a bit and tried to get him to lighten up, but he was pretty set on being angry with me.

At least I think he was. I still couldn't really tell.

"C'mon man, don't be such a bummer."

"I told Sanzo I'd give him the relic back tonight."

"Yeah, but he knows _I'm_ with you, so he's gotta' be expecting something to go wrong."

I thought he'd go crazy and have a field day with that, especially after how he'd gone off on me earlier, but he just shook his head at me. He didn't even make some slighting remark about how irresponsible I was being.

We walked a little further, and I teased and played with the kid instead, showed him a few moves he could use the next time some asshole twice his size came along. He didn't seem all that interested in fighting, per say, but I could tell he was having fun and he thought I was cool.

When I ran out of things to say to him, I hung back to walk beside Hakkai again, "Are you really that mad at me?"

"No." He sounded surprised, like he'd had no idea I thought he was mad. "I'm just a bit…uneasy."

"Uneasy? About walkin' the kid home? If it bothers you that much, you can go home without me."

"I'm uneasy because we spent a lot of time getting that relic."

"I know. It took all freakin' day for the guy to meet us."

"Yes. He told us he was fortunate to have gotten it out at all, which implied to me that some rather dangerous people have some sort of interest in the relic. I was certain we'd run into trouble before we reached home."

"But we haven't so far."

"Yes, which means we're overdue for trouble, and this is prolonging the process."

I looked around and sniffed the air, but nothing seemed out of place. "Wait, you think we're in trouble now?"

Hakkai jerked his head slightly. "I think they followed us from the village."

"Shit, Hakkai, why didn't you say something?"

"You didn't seem very interested in listening to me."

"I told you to just go home."

"You're the one who has the relic."

"I coulda' given it to you."

"Yes, and then they would have seen it and known which one of us was carrying it, and they would have followed me home."

"You could kick their asses."  
>"That isn't the point. The point is, splitting up without knowing what we're up against would be foolish, which is the only reason I didn't go home without you."<p>

"Really?" I looked at him, wondering if maybe he really was just super pissed at me and wasn't admitting it, "The only reason?"

Hakkai's expression changed just a little, from that cold frustration into something a little more genuine, like he was going to apologize for something, "I-"

"Hey, you guys!" The kid yelled. He was about two hundred feet in front of us, "We're almost there! I can see the lights of the town!"

I watched him dash further into the distance and round a bend of trees, "We…could just go back now. He's pretty close, so…"

"No, it hardly matters now. We may as well see this through to the very end."

I really didn't get that. What did he want? What in the hell was he thinking? Was he mad and just wanted to be frustrating?

When I was on the brink of demanding an explanation for the way he'd been acting all night, a piercing scream split the sky. It sounded like the kid, and it was coming from just up ahead. A second later, it was stifled.

Hakkai and I took off running at the same time, raced up the trail. I slipped in a patch of snow and almost lost my balance, managed to keep running, and we rounded the corner together.

A group of men were standing there—about five guys—laughing and sneering. The front man was a tall, sort of chunky dude. He had the kid under one arm, kicking and struggling, his free hand pressed over his mouth. In the moonlight, I could see his sharp smile.

The others were all smiling too.

"Well, well, well. You let your guards down at last." The tubby front man taunted. "It only took you all day."

I hadn't felt especially on guard all day, just tired and cold. Clearly he wasn't that smart.

"Who may I ask are you?" Hakkai asked calmly, politely, like he had no idea. Like the guy wasn't holding the kid hostage.

"Don't give me that crap. You know damn well who I am and what I want."

I looked over at my room mate, "Well? Do we know who he is and what he wants?"

"Hm. According to Sanzo, a renegade priest was in charge of that relic for a time, and recently began using its powers for wrong doing. I suppose he could be that man."

"Hey!" Fat boy snapped. His friends were moving in a little closer, "Don't ignore me! You've got somethin' of mine, and I want it back."

"Just put the kid down." I ordered. It was really the only thing I could get my mind around. If this asshole hurt that kid over the stupid relic in my pocket, this was going to get rough.

"How about an even trade? The relic for the rug rat."

"Fuck you, asshole." I touched the relic in my pocket. It was cold. I wondered if I should just give it to him.

"Sanzo would kill you." Hakkai reminded me.

Yeah, but what was I supposed to do?

At the moment, my best option seemed to be just not to move.

Fat ass saw through that in a matter of seconds. I heard the chilling sound of steel on steel as he drew a knife from his belt, "Oh, don't fuck with me, kid. I will slit this brat's throat right in front of your eyes."

That would suck. It would mean that kid was dying all because of me. Damn, I should have known better than to go get involved in someone else's life, but hey, what else was new.

Either way, just the idea of it made me angry all over again, and this time I was angry to my very core. "You touch one hair on that kid's head and I'll make you wish you were never born, dickweed."

He just laughed at me, "You're a tough talker, but something tells me you're just a whiny little bitch."

Hakkai was stiff and alert beside me. I wondered what he would do. Was getting the relic back to Sanzo really that important to him? If I just tossed it over to the guy, would he ever forgive me?

Like he'd said, he was on my side…but it was just so hard to believe that that was actually true.

Fat boy kept sneering at me. He called me a few more choice names, and in the background, the kid was screaming and begging and crying a little. I watched the sparkling edge of the blade, pressed against the kid's white neck and felt the anger in me grow even stronger. In the mean time, the other four jokers were closing in on us—they were going to make me give them the relic if I didn't decide the kid was worth it.

My only ally had apparently become a statue.

So there was only one thing to do.

I drew the relic from my coat pocket. It was just a little bauble: a tiny white crystal that was perfectly round, on the end of a shiny, silver chain. I held it up for all to see. "This what you want, Fatty?"

All five of them strained forward. I watched closely. His grip on the kid loosened just a little. The knife was lowered a quarter of an inch.

I grinned at them all, mean, transfixing and deceptively well-meaning, all in one. "Fetch. Bitch."

With a single flick of my wrist, I tossed the thing. I didn't watch where it went or what it hit. I didn't care.

Fatty let loose a high pitched shriek. It was tough telling if he was pissed or scared or just horrified. The other four almost fell all over each other running after the relic, but I doubted they'd find it, and if they did, who cared? I'd take it back when I was done with fat boy and go on my merry way.

Beside me, Hakkai looked like he was going to have a convulsion. I thought for sure he'd run after it, screaming too, instead, he dove forward, at almost the exact same time that I sprang at the fat guy.

"You dumbass!" The fat guy yelled, raising his knife to slit the kid's throat.

The kid screeched.

Hakkai hit the guy, perfect knee to the face.

I dropped down, sweep-kicked his legs out from under him, jumped back up.

Hakkai grabbed his knife arm before he could even touch the ground and wrenched it out of its socket.

I caught the kid by the back of the shirt and swept him up into my arms.

Fat ass hit the ground with a sickening thud and a deranged cry of pain.

The other four were coming back at us. A couple of them had knives too.

Hakkai darted forward.

I swung the kid up onto my shoulder and followed after him.

Damn, it was easy. They were just normal humans, so taking them apart one after another was ridiculously simple.

Guy number one trotted right up and took a bold swing at my face. I sucker punched this shit out of him and stepped over him.

Guy number two thought he'd have more luck with Hakkai and did his best to roundhouse kick him. It was a sloppy move, and Hakkai had him on his back so fast, I didn't even see what he did to put him there.

We tag-teamed the next fuckwad. I jumped up and kicked him square in the nose with the sole of my boot, and Hakkai darted around behind him, grabbed the hood of his coat and swung him around, slung him a good hundred feet, right into the base of a tree. Hell, I think he could have sent him to the moon if he wanted.

The last guy was still on his hands and knees, digging around for the crystal. We stepped up, shoulder to shoulder, and stood over him.

He whined and whimpered and carried on about how it wasn't his idea in the first place and that he was sorry, that he had a wife, some kids, a sick brother—all the typical bullshit you expect.

Hakkai drop kicked him, and he was out.

I set the kid down on the last guy's back because my arm was getting tired.

By that time, Fat Fuck Face was up again, groping around for his knife I think, and whimpering from the pain in his arm.

"Well, well, well." I goaded as we approached him. "Looks like you never had your guard up in the first place."

"You dumbass." He choke. "You stupid dumbass. Why'd you throw it? What were you thinking?"

"Hell, I don't give a shit about that thing. Now say goodnight, pops."

One bleeding knuckle later, he was out cold in the snow too, and I was feeling pretty damn good about it all.

"Hey!" I gave Hakkai a thumbs up and a giant grin, "You were totally bad ass! And we make a great team. We should, I dunno, form a gang, or partner up or something."

Hakkai smiled crookedly, "You weren't so bad yourself. Who taught you how to fight?"

"Oh, that." I kicked at the ground, "Nobody. Just… Nobody."

He didn't get caught up in that, and that was one thing I liked about Hakkai. He knew how to mind his own business, if he knew that's what you really wanted. Instead he looked back towards where I presumed the crystal might have landed, "Tell me this then. Did you honestly have to throw it?"

"It was the only thing I could think of."

"Ah. I'll keep that in mind. It might be useful to know you're going to throw all of our target items over your shoulder at some point in the future."

Again, I had no idea if he was kidding with me or not. He didn't seem as upset as I thought he'd be though.

"There's no hope for it now though. I doubt we'll ever find it in this snow."

"That was the idea."

"Well, at any rate, it functioned the way you wanted it to, didn't it?"

"That's really all that matters." I lit another cigarette and went back to the kid, who was sitting in a daze on the guy's back. "Hey, you all right, little guy?"

"I think so."

"Hope we didn't scare ya' too bad." I tousled his hair. He still looked a little bit like Goku to me.

"Naw. I-I'm okay."

"Then how about we get you to your uncle's place now?"

For a second, he just gaped at me, caught somewhere between wonder and fear. His voice shuddered. "You…who are you?"

"Don't mind us, kiddo. We're just a coupla' punks lookin' to start a fight."

I thought it sounded cool. Hakkai laughed at me.

In the end, we got the kid to the right village, and Uncle Fu was there; he seemed like a nice guy—invited us in for tea and everything—and Hakkai said we might as well now that we were going home empty-handed anyway. Stuff was really working out for me, I thought. Anyway, when I was satisfied that the kid would be safe here, we finished our tea and headed for home. It was a pretty anti-climatic goodbye. We were a good thirty minutes out of town when I realized I hadn't even known the little guy's name.

Oh well. I'd taught him how to throw a right hook, and that was what was important. After all, I knew all too well how it was to be an orphan. I knew about waking up under a pile of cardboard and digging through garbage to find a meal. I knew way too much about scrapping and getting your ass kicked by a gang of losers. Being cold and alone was a familiar feeling. Being helpless and afraid was routine. Hakkai was right about there being hundreds of orphans living on the streets, and our little friend was lucky he'd found somewhere to go. Not everyone did. Some kids wound up with asshole punks named Banri who were just going to ditch their butt some day.

Whatever. That was over now. I had a house, a cool room mate, and even a normal sense of income, but that didn't mean I shouldn't care when I stumbled upon a fellow orphan.

Maybe if somebody would just step in, this wouldn't be happening to me…

How many times had I had that awful thought? How many times had it not mattered because the world was full of assholes, and in the end, nobody cared what was happening to the little half-blood kid behind the dumpster?

I don't know why I had ever thought I deserved to have somebody step in. Maybe I'd gotten that idea because Jien had always been there to step in. And how many times had I looked up at the night sky and wondered 'where the fuck did you go?'

Come to think of it, the last time I had a thought even remotely close to that one it had been on the night Banri betrayed me. As I sat there, head heavy from taking just another senseless beating, I'd thought it. Not exactly the way I used to when I was twelve, but it was the same kind of idea.

Just that one time, someone had stepped in.

"'Kai." I yawned, "Think Sanzo's still gonna' pay us?"

"No. We aren't bringing the relic to him, so I believe we failed our mission."

"Yeah, but what about all the effort we put into it?"

"It's a decent argument, but I think when we tell Sanzo that you decided to wing it over your shoulder in the end, he won't believe we actually tried very hard."  
>"I can never tell when you're kidding with me."<p>

"It isn't often."

Was that a joke?

"I give up."

"I can't say that Sanzo will agree with me, but if it's any consolation to you, I didn't find today to be a complete waste of time."

"That so?"

"Indeed. I learned quite a bit."  
>"Guess you learn something new every day."<p>

Hakkai laughed, but I knew he wasn't laughing at my stupid stab at making a joke. It was a weird laugh too. I got the feeling that, just this once, he wasn't making fun of me. "Hm. How unexpected."

Curiously, I looked over at him, "What?"

"You're surprisingly good-natured."

"What? Who? Me?"

"I never could understand why you went out of your way to save my life that night—was it really nine months ago now?—but I think I finally understand. You just…want to help, don't you Gojyo?"

His eyes met mine.

I really didn't know what to say. For a second, I felt totally exposed, like he was looking straight through me. It was a weird feeling, but it wasn't a bad feeling.

"Please. I was just bored. You think I actually cared whether or not that kid got home safe? Like you said, there're hundred of kids out there on their own."

"It's not a bad thing, Gojyo. I for one am glad that you of all people stumbled across me that night in the rain. Someone else might have stepped over me and kept going."

I watched my feet a while. It had started to snow and the powder I was stepping on was fresh. "Yeah…well…"

"Do you want to know the real reason I didn't insist we go home today?"

"Sure."

"I honestly believed you must have some selfish reason for doing what you did. I thought you'd want a reward or something if you succeeded in getting him to his uncle's house. I was…sure of it."

"You think I coulda' gotten a reward? Shit, I didn't even think about that!"

Instead of laughing, Hakkai touched my shoulder, just for a second, like he was reminding me of something. "I apologize for having thought something so…demeaning of you. I can't say that I approve of the way you live or of how you behave on a daily basis, but I shouldn't be using that for my criteria when it comes to interpreting what you're really like."

"Hey, I wasn't having great thoughts about you either. For a while there, I actually thought you might not care if that kid died."

"No, no. You might say I have a soft spot for…orphans."

Suddenly I remembered that he'd told me that he and his sister had grown up in separate orphanages, way back when we first met. A whole nine months ago. Damn. I hadn't remembered that any better than I'd remembered when his birthday was supposed to be.

His hand slipped away, and we kept walking.

"Hey, 'Kai? Do you care…if I ask what happened to your parents?"

"They divorced when I was a child. I lived with my mother until I was five, and then she disappeared. I haven't seen either of them since."

"That sucks."

"Yes. In a way. Although, I suppose I can't honestly claim to be an orphan. They're both alive somewhere, I presume."

"Probably."

"Do you care if I inquire as to what happened to yours?"

"Killed themselves."

He turned his head to study my face for awhile.

Almost unconsciously, I lowered my own, letting the hair fall in my face.

"Hm." His voice was soft as the falling snow, "I wonder why they did that."

I glared at him, "You makin' fun of me?"

Hakkai tugged my hair lightly, but his tone was perfectly serious, "No."

Maybe I'm stupid, but I found some great relief in that.

"What do you know? It seems we have something in common after all."

"Guess that's why we make a killer team."

"Perhaps you're right."

"Hey, Hakkai? Care if I ask you somethin' else?"

"Hm?"

"When the hell is your birthday?"

He smiled slightly, "In September. You missed it."

"Shit. You _are_ older than me."

"A bit, yes."

I felt calm as we made our way home. It was good to know I'd accomplished something worthwhile. I had no idea what we were going to eat seeing how Sanzo wasn't going to pay us, but at least I'd done something right for a change. I didn't have to lie awake and wonder what had happened to that kid and wish I'd stepped in, the way I'd always wished someone would step in for me. I didn't have to worry that he was going to wind up with some punk ass dick named Banri, running around, being a degenerate.

After all, Banri was way simple. He always wanted you to do all the dirty work, because he was lazy. He never wanted to achieve anything fairly, because he was a coward. And when he was through with you—when he couldn't use you anymore—he stepped on your face as he was running out the door.

Simple, yeah. Those were the definite fundamentals of Banri, and they were easy as shit to understand. But did I miss Banri?

Hell no. I'd take Hakkai over Banri any day of the week.


	4. Chapter 4

**Note: Originally, I meant for the povs to alternate every other mission, but my timeline didn't wind up working out that way. I promise the next mission will be Hakkai pov. **

Mission Four

Why are you Making that Face?

"Is it so much to ask that you occasionally pick up some of your things?" He dumped an armful of jackets and sweatshirts on the couch beside me.

I hadn't heard him sound that irritated over something so little before, so I glanced up over the edge of my magazine at him, "Yeah, yeah. Sorry."

Hakkai didn't seem satisfied with the answer. He started gathering together the beer cans cluttered around my feet and on the end table.

"And do I honestly have to remind you again not to put your cigarette butts in these empty cans? You have a perfectly good ashtray."

"It's full." I said, absently flipping the page. It was just the same irritating nagging I was used to by this time, and I was getting sick of it.

He snatched that up too, and a second later, slammed it down, emptied and rinsed. I felt like he stood over me a moment, like he was waiting for something, but I had no idea what he wanted, so I kept looking over the models on page fifty-two, and eventually, he walked away; it almost seemed like he was stomping.

In the kitchen I heard him clattering dishes, banging them together as he ran them under the sink. It wasn't like him to make so much noise just washing the dishes. Vaguely, I wondered if maybe something was wrong.

For the most part, we were getting to know each other pretty well. Hakkai was still an intensely complicated guy, but after all this time, I could at least tell when something was up. Some days, it was just his past bothering him, but that was usually when it was raining.

I looked out the window—it was a clear, beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky.

So what else could it be then? Had something happened? I hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary for the last couple of days.

He called to me, "I suggest you put a shirt on and prepare to leave."

"Leave?"

Hakkai sounded more frustrated with me that usual as he answered, "Sanzo wants us to do a job for him, or don't you remember?"

"I thought we didn't have to leave until later."

"I know how long it takes you to getting around to doing something."

"C'mon, it's just gonna' take me a second to throw a shirt on and-"

He stuck his head around the corner. "Just go put a shirt on, Gojyo."

Hell, he didn't even say please. That was weird.

At last, I laid my magazine aside, padded my way into the kitchen, starting another cigarette, and stood there watching him, thinking he might say something else, arbitrarily even.

Hakkai went back to washing dishes like I wasn't there at all.

"Hey man…you okay?"

"Of course." He said coldly.

"You just seem kinda' pissed off today."

He seemed to slam the dish he was holding down, "I'm not 'pissed off', I'm simply…frustrated."

"Well, what's up? Did something happen?"

"Quite honestly, I'm just a little tired of how things are run here."

"Here? You mean…like with Sanzo sending us out like dogs whenever he wants?"

"No. I mean the way you do as you please with absolutely no thought concerning the consequences."

"Wait a minute? You're pissed with _me_?"

"As I've already said, I'm not angry, just frustrated."

"But with me."

"Yes. If you want to look at it that way."

Now I was starting to feel annoyed. Wasn't I the one who had to hear his bitching twenty-four-seven and deal with it? "What the hell'd I do?"

Finally he turned to face me, gesturing to the house with a sweep of his arm, "Look around at this place. It's filthy—clothes, dishes, magazines, garbage, cigarette butts—debris everywhere. Worse yet, you apparently expect me to clean every inch of the place by myself. For a time, I didn't let it bother me—"

"And _now_?"

"_Now_ I'm seeing you have no intentions of ever pulling your weight around here, and it's frustrating."

"Hey, now wait a minute. Not cleaning the house and not pulling my own weight are two different things."

"I don't see how."

"I do other stuff. I earn money just like you do."

"By gambling and taking risks and making cheap bets? One might argue that you _lose_ more money that way than you make it."

"Whatever. You're just pissed—I'm a good gambler, and you know it. Even if I wasn't, who did you think's been going on Sanzo's shitty errands with you?"

"The same man who never ceases to complain from start to finish while we're running said errands."

"I'm still doing just as much work as you do, Hakkai."

"Very well then, I'll give you that. All I'm saying is that it would be nice if you would help me maintain things around here. Now, please go put a shirt on. We have to leave soon."

I wandered away to my room, and at first I was more confused than annoyed, but as I was picking a shirt and pulling on my jacket and thinking about it, it started to really piss me off that he'd just brushed me off and sent me away like a damn kid. I shoved my feet into my boots and stomped back out to the kitchen, where he was putting the last of the dishes away.

"You know, you're not in charge here." I growled.

Hakkai half turned to me, expression mildly surprised. "Excuse me?"

"You and me split shit. It's not like you're the man of the house or something—you can't just tell me what to do like I'm some punk kid who's gonna' hop to when you give an order."

"I wasn't meaning to."

"Really? Because 'go put a shirt on' sounds a lot like an order to me."

"It happens all too often that you continue to lounge around the living room up until the very last moment, completely unprepared, and it gets us off schedule. At times it has put the entire mission into disarray, and so I've learned that the only way to ensure that you're ready to go when I am is to remind you to start getting ready ahead of time."

"See. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Who are you to make sure I do anything, let alone on time? My mother?"

"Last I was aware, we're partners in this little firm of Sanzo's."

"Yeah. Partners. Not husband and wife. C'mon, I'm ready when you are." I ground my cigarette out and headed for the door. Since when did that guy care so much about time anyway?

Hakkai followed me out of the house and locked up behind me, and we walked a good ways down the road in silence before he said, "Aside from being partners, we are also room mates. I am not your mother, Gojyo, and I don't think it should be up to me to clean up after you."

"Then don't."

"I-"

"Nobody's making you."

"I do it because I know that if I do not, the mess in our home will become overwhelming, until neither of us can function."

"Oh, come on; you're exaggerating—I'd never let it get that bad."

"Wouldn't you?"

"I didn't before you came along, you know."

"That's hard to believe."

I glared at him, "You think I was living in a dump before I met you? I'm capable of cleaning up after myself, Hakkai."

"Then you're choosing not to?"

"I'm-"

"You mean to say you expect someone else to come along and clean up after you? You deserve that kind of service, do you?"

"Shit, man, you're blowing this way out of proportion."

"I don't think so. All I'm asking is that you try to take on your share of the responsibilities at home. It's a bit ridiculous to rely solely on me to do it, don't you think?"

"I don't _rely_ on you for anything." I snapped. He was really pissing me off now. Who did he think he was and where in the hell did he get off?

"I beg to differ."

I ignored him, and we walked the rest of the way to Keiun in total silence. The monks there admitted us inside right away—they were used to seeing us by now, but today they seemed almost…excited—and we wound our way back through the temple to Sanzo's office, a tiny, disturbingly bleak room. He had a handful of relics on his walls, a crappy desk, and an arrangement of equally crappy chairs, but I think the only nice thing about the room was the view from the window. You could see the whole valley.

Sanzo was sitting there, doing…hell, I dunno. Paper work or something. Goku was goofing around there too. I don't know what he did for entertainment in that place; probably just annoyed Sanzo to no end.

The uptight priest did look annoyed, but it was definitely nowhere near how I felt today. Hakkai's lecture had left me feeling angry and belittled, and if anyone else gave me shit, I was going to rip their head off.

"Heeeey guys!" Goku sang, coming up to greet us, "It's been forever since I saw ya'-"

"Not that long." I grumbled.

The kid gave me a long, strange look.

Hakkai clarified in his 'I know everything' tone. "Yes, I believe it's only been a couple of weeks since you saw Gojyo—he tends to be steeped in much more _important_ matters—I saw you day before yesterday."

I whipped my head around to scowl at him, "You know, it's not like I just sit on my ass all day."

He laughed, which sounded normal enough, "Not at our house anyway. I just assume you're always on your back somewhere."

I gritted my teeth, "What the hell business is it of yours what I do away from home? Gonna' keep tabs on that too now?"

"I don't believe I have the stomach for that."

Goku was glancing between us, a look of confusion growing on his face, "You guys're actin' weird."

"Ah, you must excuse him. It's been several days since he's been with a woman, and it seems to be affecting him."

"Yeah, well Mr. Mom over here has his panties in a bunch, not me."

"You know, Gojyo, I highly suggest you don't refer to me in such an insulting manner."

"Oh, what're you gonna' do? Smack my hands with your ruler, Sensei?"

"I-"

"Enough!" Sanzo interrupted loudly, "Did you two cretins come here just to annoy me with your bickering?"

"As if you're so special." I snapped.

"I don't know what your issue is, but as long as you're here, put a lid on it. We've got business to discuss."

"My apologies, Sanzo." Hakkai said, so politely it made me feel sick, "Please proceed."

Sanzo gave me a fierce frown, like he was daring me to say anything else to him, and then he said, "Two nights ago, a group of marauders infiltrated the temple. Goku and I were indisposed, so they, unfortunately, got away."

"Indisposed? Where the hell did _you_ two go by yourselves?"

"We went into th' town an' had some awesome food!" Goku chimed in. "It was soooo good."

"Yes." Sanzo grated out, and I could tell he hated himself for leaving his post just so Goku could have a good meal somewhere. "We were in town at the time."

"Awe. You were in town and you didn't come see us?" I mocked disappointment.

"I wasn't in the mood for your bullshit, believe it or not."

Hakkai nudged me. It was a common enough thing for him to do, but this time, I could feel the aggression behind it, "Stop interrupting. Sanzo, what did these thieves get away with?"

Sanzo lit a cigarette and said all too calmly, "Three young men."

"Kids?" I almost dropped my own cigarette. "They kidnapped some kids?"

"Three of our most promising pupils were taken hostage. I'd go after them myself, but I have too much to do."

"You gotta' be kidding me!" I yelled, "You're too busy to go get back some of your own damn students?"

"I never said they were _my_ students."

"Right. Whose students would they be then?"

"It doesn't matter whose they are." He snapped, getting to his feet, "All that matters is that right now, as long as there are kidnappers with their sights on this temple, Goku and I can't afford to leave."

"In other words, you'd like the two of us go to retrieve the hostages, as well as apprehend the criminals, while you and Goku hold down the fort?" Hakkai asked before I could say anything.

"Essentially. If you can capture the kidnappers, great. If not, it doesn't matter. The important thing is to get the hostages back here."

"Yes, I see. Sanzo, if I may ask, why would a band of marauders want to take a group of acolytes hostage?"

Sanzo shrugged in a way that had me convinced that he knew the answer and just wasn't saying so, "Who knows? They haven't made any demands so far, and I have no way of knowing what they intend to do."

"However, you mentioned that these students were especially skilled, correct? Is it possible they're looking to use them for something?"

"Maybe. You'll have to ask them yourself." He took a seat again, looking unruffled.

"Of course. In that case, we'll get started right away, and hopefully be back before it gets too late."

"Hopefully. Just be forewarned, Hakkai, these marauders weren't exactly average. They infiltrated this place like it was nothing, and they even killed a few Taoists."

"Pfft." I scoffed, "So they broke into a Buddhist temple and killed some monks? They can't be that tough."

"Don't be cocky, asshole."

"I agree." Hakkai said easily. "Being cocky in this situation would be a grave mistake. Shall we be on our way?"

Sanzo gave us a location where he thought the marauders had probably taken the hostages, and as soon as he'd finished speaking, Hakkai said, "We're off then. Come along, Gojyo."

He was out the door before I could retort.

Angrily, I started to follow.

"Wait a second." Sanzo called.

"What?" I demanded stiffly. Hakkai was pissy, and the last thing I wanted was to keep dealing with Sanzo.

"This errand isn't like the others. It's going to be dangerous."

"Hey, thanks for the concern."

He curled his lip back disdainfully, and I thought he'd tell me to go to hell. Instead, he said, "Keep right on being charming if you want, I don't give half a shit if you come back, but just know that if you two let whatever personal problems you're having interfere with the mission, there's a good chance you'll end up dead. And I need those students back here in one piece."

It was my turn to shrug, "Like I said. Thanks."

On my way down the hall, I heard Goku yell after me, "Be careful, Gojyo. 'Kay?"

"Count on it, kid." I answered, just to make him happy.

I found Hakkai out front, kneeling down beside some kind of plant. The sight made me think of the onion he'd dug up for me on one of the very first missions we'd gone on together, and I felt bad that we were fighting.

I picked my way over to him, shoving hair out of my eyes and trying to think of something to say. "Hey…'Kai…"

He got up brusquely, "Are you finally ready to go?"

"What? Yeah. Sanzo just wanted to tell me something."

Hakkai started walking without another word, quickly, and I could tell from his mannerisms that he was still agitated.

I started to apologize, but he interrupted again.

"I realize you're not relying on me for anything, but I recommend we discuss a strategy."

"'Kay." I tried to let the jab slide off my back.

"By the way, I will be relying on you throughout this operation, and I am not ashamed to admit it."

That one was a little harder to let go of, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Only that I appreciate what you do for me, even if it is precious little."

And that was all it took to bring my anger back to the surface, "You think I don't do anything for you?"

"I feel that it's very few and far between that you do anything for me."

"Yeah? How about 'I saved your damn life'?"  
>"And now you expect me to wait on you hand and foot for the rest of <em>your<em> life? If that's so, I think I'd rather have died."

"I don't _expect_ you to do anything, Hakkai. You're just my friggin' room mate."

"I can't believe how incredibly ungrateful you can be, Gojyo. I'm insulted that you take for granted the things I do—I cook for you, I clean, I tolerate your incessant rudeness and your inappropriate behavior. It's quite exhausting, you know."

"Excuse the shit out of me for just bein' myself."

"A lazy, unappreciative, insensitive…" he shook his head irritably, "That is like you."

"Hey!" I growled, "Don't even start with that list of my faults thing. It's so immature."

He glared daggers at me, "You want to start slinging _that_ word around?"

"You think _you're_ so mature. You think you've got it all together. Fuck! I'm just so fuckin' sorry I can't be more like _you_ Hakkai!"

"I'm sorry as well. Perhaps if you were more like me you could be something of a better person."

Okay, that was crossing a serious line. It wasn't even something I'd expect Hakkai to say. In all this time I'd known him, he'd always been kind of down on himself, and now he was turning around, talking like he was so much better than me?

"Fine. Just fine. I don't give a shit what you think of me, but at least drop the 'I'm perfect' attitude, Hakkai. 'Cause you're fucking _not_ perfect."

His eyes were flashing now, "At least my imperfections don't interfere with the lives of those around me."

"Hell, I'd say they're fucking with my life pretty hardcore right now."

"Oh, my honesty is an imperfection now?"

"I don't know, but I'm willin' to bet that if you _were _perfect, you wouldn't be screaming at me over something so stupid."

"Very well then, think it petty if you like—that certainly aligns with your previous history of ungratefulness—but know that all this time, all I've ever tried to do was to help you."

"I didn't ask for any help."

That shut him up for a minute or two, but I didn't dare to hope that he was thinking of letting it all go. If anything, he was just thinking of something to say, and Hakkai had a way of coming up with some pretty sharp barbs.

In the meantime, we had reached the edge of the town, where there was a large, abandoned warehouse. A single, rarely traveled, narrow road ran past it, and it had been built close to a steep cliff, making it a natural fortress, which explained why Sanzo thought the kidnappers might have brought the acolytes here. I realized as we approached that we hadn't come up with a strategy like we were supposed to.

"Alright, here we are. Ready to bust some skulls?"

"I suggest we attempt to sneak in before we try anything else." Hakkai said as we stopped on the side of the road. It looked like there were a few torches burning in the darkened windows of the building.

Normally, I might have agreed with him, but I didn't want to listen to him anymore, and I didn't want him to be right, so I sneered, "What good has sneaking around like a coward ever done for anyone?"

"Need I remind you that those on the front line are generally first to die?"

"Do whatever you want." I shrugged at him, "Like I said, I don't need your help."

"You said you didn't _ask_ for my help. There's a difference."

"Not to me." I stepped away.

Hakkai caught my arm, looking all the angrier, "Have you already forgotten? I said I'd be relying on you for this."

"Are you sure you _can_?"

Now his expression was dark and vicious, "So you're going to be _that_ way, are you? Very well then, lead the way, but refrain from complaining to me when some youkai knocks you into next week."

"I wouldn't dream of it." With that, I wrenched loose, stepped out of hiding, and marched, unworriedly, straight toward the front door.

A couple of youkai were standing guard there; they saw me coming and immediately looked interested, murmured back and forth to each other, but otherwise stayed completely still.

I heard Hakkai behind me, "I can scarcely believe what an idiot you're being."

"Then go sneak around by yourself."

"And leave you to get killed? I'm afraid not—I have a sense of camaraderie—although, I must admit, at the moment, I can't say I'd object entirely to the idea of you not being around."

I turned on him, "What the fuck? You went from 'I wish you'd clean up your shit' to 'I wish you were dead' in less than two hours?"

"No one said they wished you were dead."

"And no one said _you_ had to live with me."

One of the guards at the door shouted suddenly, "Hey. What're you kids doing here? This is a restricted area, you-"

I bared my teeth at him, "Shove it, asshole. We're here to fuck you up."

He started to say something back to me, but I jumped on him before he could finish, knocking him to the ground and stomping his head with the heel of my boot. When his buddy came at me, I slammed him hard into the brick wall, and he slumped to the ground, out could.

"Well, that was very violent of you." Hakkai commented in his half-scolding tone, "We didn't even get an opportunity to question them about the acolytes."

"We're not doing it your way for once—cry me a river." I gave the door a vicious kick, breaking it in, just the way Banri used to.

Banri didn't bitch about me leaving my shit all over the house either.

Inside, the warehouse was dark and hot and stuffy. We were standing in a huge room with concrete walls and floors and a tall, tall ceiling with bare rafters that looked like they had the potential to crumble at any given second. There were several rows of wooden crates, each up to my chin, but aside from those, the room was more or less empty. On my right, I saw a long flight of rusty, steel steps that led up to a veranda that ran around the perimeter of the room. I didn't see any acolytes, or any youkai for that matter, but I refused to believe that the two lazy fucks I'd dealt with outside were the only ones here.

Quietly, I walked to the middle of the room, stood there, scanning the area for enemies. I could feel a draft coming from somewhere out of the darkness, and hear the faint whimper of old gears; there was the familiar grind of broken glass under my boots, but everything else was quiet.

"Hey, do you think this might be a decoy?"

"Some how I doubt it."

"Are you gonna' brush off every idea I have?"

"As long as they continue to be absurd I will, yes."

"I can't believe how upset you are over this thing."

"Of course not. Seeing how you're the agitator in this case, I'm not surprised to learn that you think I'm over reacting."

Unbelievable.

I started telling him to get bent, when I was interrupted, again, this time by a smooth, black voice, coming from above us. "What a surprise. You're not Genjyo Sanzo."

I looked up to see the dark silhouette of a youkai standing on the floor above us.

"You got that right, dick head." I called up to him.

"You friends of his?"

"_Friends_? Hell no."

Hakkai took over, "We may not _be_ Genjyo Sanzo, but he did send us."

"Hakkai, what'd ya' tell him that for?"

"What? You were the one who wanted to run in, guns blazing."

"I know. But I don't want that asshole thinkin' I'm Sanzo's bitch or something."

"What on earth does it matter?"

"It doesn't _matter_, I just-"

"I hate to interrupt." The man above us said.

A light came on out of nowhere, pure white, and so bright it blinded me for several seconds, and I had to shield my head, blinking and squinting, before I could see again.

The man above us wasn't as big as he'd looked in the dark. He was thin and wiry, and he was standing on a crate, but his skin was midnight black, and his eyes were pale. There were a few gold loops dangling from both his ears, and he had the most vicious, maniacal smile.

It turns out that he was the least of our concerns though. There was a whole army of youkai standing in front of us, that we hadn't seen in the dark, about fifty men strong—a small army, but an army none-the-less. They were standing at rigid attention, arms at their sides, not moving, each of their eyes fixed on us.

"Shit." I breathed.

"Even if you aren't friends of Sanzo's," The man standing above us continued, "you can give him a message for me, can't you?"

I shifted nervously. I really didn't like having all those hungry, youkai eyes boring into me. "What kinda' message?"

He smiled all the more, his mouth making a brutal, white gash against his coal-black skin, and he stretched his arm out, like he was trying to reach right down and grab me, hand open and yearning. "Death."

It must have been some kind of signal; as soon as he uttered that one word, the youkai army rushed us.

"Damn." I stood my ground, preparing to defend myself.

"You see what happens when you plunge into this sort of thing head first?" Hakkai said next to me.

"Oh, fuck you. We woulda' wound up right here even if we had snuck in."

The army hit me like a giant wave, slamming against me and flooding around me, attacking on each side.

None of them were armed—at least it didn't seem like they were—but their expressions were utterly blank and focused, and the blows they threw were powerful and precise.

Fortunately, I dodged the first few flung at me, and had the first two youkai down in a matter of seconds.

I grabbed the next one and slammed him against my knee, threw him back into one of his comrades, and they fell in a pile at my feet, tripping a few more psychos as they came at me. Then I turned to put my fist in the eye of a youkai who was attacking me from behind.

That was five so far.

They kept right on coming, totally fearless, like they had no consciousness of their own, and they attacked with a vengeance.

Behind me, Hakkai was doing a good job taking care of himself, but I wondered if he was watching my back at all. I guess I really wasn't watching his.

_Oh well_. I thought, punching a guy in the chest so hard, he dropped dead where he was standing,_ I don't need him to watch my back._

I'd just have to do better.

The youkai army was relentless, and after a few minutes, I started feeling like they'd never quit.

One of them managed to sneak up on me and grabbed me under the arms, restraining me as his buddy came in for the kill.

My heart fluttered with slight panic, but I didn't let it take over.

The second guy_ did_ punch me pretty hard in the face, snapping my head back, but I planted my feet firmly on the ground, twisted my whole body around, and his next attack got the guy holding me right in the ear. It was enough to make him let go, and I slammed him in the head with my elbow, shoved him into his friend, and backed away so I was back to back with Hakkai.

I took a swipe at my mouth, saw smears of blood along the back of my hand, "You know somethin' _partner_? Just 'cause you're pissed at me doesn't mean you can ignore me completely—we're in the middle of a dangerous mission."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I was under the impression that you were not in need of my assistance."

"I ain't asking for your help, I'm just saying it wouldn't kill you to watch my back."

He paused to wipe his nose with his sleeve, and I saw he was bleeding too. "I couldn't help but notice that you didn't go out of your way to watch _my_ back until you got punched in the face. And, as a matter of fact, it just might kill me to watch your back."

I was so angry, I dropped my guard, just for a second, to scream at him, "Goddammit, Hakkai, would you get the hell off your fucking high horse for just a second?"

A blow came out of nowhere and struck me so hard in the jaw, it actually knocked me on my ass. It felt like I'd gotten hit in the face with a sledge hammer, and for a good five seconds, I couldn't do anything but lie there in a daze, clinging feebly to the hope that Hakkai wouldn't let them kill me while I was down.

When my vision cleared, a seven-foot tall youkai was standing over me, his face just as blank and oblivious as all the others', but there was something in his youkai energy that hinted at an obscene amount of violence, and I saw that there was already dried blood smeared up and down his arms.

I rolled out of the way, seconds before his heavily-booted foot would have crushed my entire chest, scrambled to my feet, head still spinning from the punch.

"Pay attention." Hakkai scolded.

"I probably _could _if you would quit being a dick." I spat out a dark wad of blood.

"Stop forcing your short-comings onto me." He threw a man twice his weight over his shoulder like it was nothing, "Some day, you will have to face your inadequacies, and you'll have to deal with them."

"This _again_? Are you ever going to get over it?"

He gave me an icy, scary look that even had the youkai around him backing off a few feet, "The fact of the matter is, I've been putting up with this unacceptable behavior of yours for quite a long time, and I've done my very best to be patient, but I see now that tolerance alone is not going to be enough."

I shook my head at him, "Think what you want, but I'm not gonna' change just because you want me to. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm goin' after that dick up there. He's the one in charge of this bullshit."

"He _might_ be; however, I think it would be negligent to go after him just now. We haven't even brought their force down by half—it would be wisest to diminish them a bit first, lest they get in the way while we're dealing with him."

"So you keep fighting them. I'm going kick that dude's ass and find out where the monks are." With that, I ducked under the arm of a youkai who was taking a swing at my face, and started plowing through them, taking a few out as I went.

"Gojyo !"

I flat out ignored him and kept running, dodging some attackers and knocking others down. I didn't know if he'd come after me, and I didn't care at the moment. I couldn't stand listening to his nagging for another second, so it might be better if we just split up for a while.

Surprisingly, he was right there beside me not a moment later, fighting off youkai with that pissed off expression on his face, "I hope you realize just how foolish you're being today."

"For the last time, would you just knock it off? You're _such _a pain in the ass when you're like this."

I took out my frustration on the next guy that attacked me.

Hakkai looked like he was doing the same thing.

Both youkai landed in a heap on the floor, and we kept going, side by side, but bickering the entire time.

"It's as if you're being especially reckless and irresponsible today just to get under my skin."

"You know what, man? If you're so sick of me and the way I livemy life, why don't you just take your shit and find some place else to stay?"

I blurted it out without considering it, I guess, but Hakkai hesitated to turn to me, and even went so far as to let his guard down. I thought maybe he was going to say something, scream at me or whatever, but instead, he stood there with his mouth open, almost like he couldn't believe I'd said that to him.

While he was busy looking shocked, a youkai came up behind him, claws raised, ready to shred him from side to side. Hakkai noticed him just a second or so too late.

"Hey!"

I was still on guard, and I saw what was coming, but it was happening so fast I wasn't sure what I could do to prevent it, so I did the only thing I could do, jumped forward, knocking Hakkai back, and those claws sliced through me instead; searing pain tore across my side, from the bottom of my rib cage to the top of my hip.

Shouting, I stumbled back, holding my side.

By that time, Hakkai was paying attention again, and he killed the youkai that had clawed me easily, gave me a mildly concerned look, but we didn't have time for him to play doctor right now. Instead, he warded a few more of them off, while I lifted my torn shirt to reveal the oozing, violent slash marks along my side.

"How bad is it?"

"Dunno'. Doesn't look too deep—it just hurts like hell."

Hakkai shook his head disapprovingly, "I told you this was a bad idea." He knocked a youkai in the head, sending him reeling back into the force that was gathering around us. "And as for my leaving…if that's really what you want, then very well, perhaps I will. When we get back, I'd be glad to pack my belongings and go—you never have to see me again, if you don't want to."

That suited me just fine. Hakkai could go live somewhere else and nag himself in the mirror every morning if he felt like it, and if Sanzo still came up with annoying, little missions for us to go on, that was fine too. These stupid jobs were probably just about the perfect dose of each other in the first place.

Speaking of missions, this one was turning out to be a little harder than I thought it would be—the wound in my side wasn't life-threatening, but it did hurt, and it definitely slowed me down. Every punch I threw, every kick, and every move I made, caused even more lancing, fiery pain to go shooting up and down my body, and if that didn't discourage a guy from fighting, I didn't know what would. I tried to ignore it, but even walking hurt, so by the time we reached the stairs, I was falling pretty far behind.

To his credit, Hakkai didn't completely leave me in the dust; he did lag back from time to time, not exactly helping, just making sure I hadn't died yet. He didn't say a word to me, and I didn't have anything to say to him either.

We pounded up the stairs as quickly as we could, most of the horde right behind us, and ran around the second level of the warehouse until we reached the spot where the presumed 'boss' was standing, laughing his freakin' head off.

"That was even funnier than I thought it would be." He wheezed. "The two of you are much stupider than you look, and you'll be easier to kill than I expected."

Up close, he was even creepier. That skin was not a natural black by any means—it almost looked like his whole body was stained with ink, and there was a glossy quality to it. Like most youkai, he had intricate markings on his body, only his were silver, and they were very, very light, so that I could only just barely see them, gleaming in the light, patterned all the way down one side of his bare torso. His eyes were more than just pale, they were blank. Like he didn't have pupils or an iris or anything, and I got an unearthly, haunting feeling when I looked into them…. There was something else there. Some kind of power that made me feel almost light-headed.

"Regardless of how you initially perceived us, we have caught up to you, and I suspect we're both angry enough to wish to cause you bodily harm, therefore, I suggest you hurry and explain yourself."

I decided to be a little more to the point. "Where're the acolytes?" I demanded, laying one hand tentatively over my bleeding wound.

"Who? I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're referring to."

"Don't give us that shit, you fuck-job; we know you took some kids from Keiun temple."

"Being students does not necessarily make them children." Hakkai said, probably just trying to one-up me, "However, we do know that you brought them here, and we've come to take them back."

The freak grinned brightly, like he had just figured out what we were talking about. "Oh, of course. The monks."

"That's right, dumbass, the monks. Where are they?"

"I'm afraid they're no longer with us."

Dumbfounded, I stared at him, "Y'mean, you let 'em go?"

Asshole laughed in my face obnoxiously, "Wow, Sha Gojyo, are you really that innocent and naïve?"

"Shut up."

"I would never just let them go. Those three played a very important role for me."

So all three of them were dead?

"And what role might that be?" Hakkai asked grimly.

He turned his back on us—a pretty gutsy move—but neither of us attacked, we just watched as he paced around nonchalantly, "Maybe you've heard that when a youkai devours a human priest, he gains that priests power and extends his life."

I glanced at Hakkai. I'd definitely never heard such a crazy rumor in my life, but Hakkai looked like he wasn't very surprised.

"Those three monks were the star pupils of the temple—potentially the most powerful monks in Chang'an, aside from Sanzo, of course—and they were delicious."

"You ate them?" I demanded, more disgusted than surprised.

He turned back to us, grinning with his tongue lolling from his mouth, and he looked demonic. The youkai behind us were quiet, not moving in for the kill or even murmuring to each other. I wondered if they could even understand what we were saying. They all seemed to be pretty out of it for some reason.

"That's sick."

"Before you judge me, why don't you hear the rest of what I have to say? After all, being eaten and adding to my life-expectancy and power was not their only purpose. As it so happens, the three of them served an even greater function."

Neither of us asked what this time, we just stood and waited for the nutjob to finish explaining, and personally, I was starting to feel a little sick, but I couldn't tell if it was from my wound or because of what he was saying.

"I knew someone would be coming for them, and considering the size of my army, and my own personal strength—even before I ate the three acolytes—I assumed that someone would be Genjyo Sanzo."

"Then this was just a trap?" Hakkai asked calmly.

"You might want to call it that, Cho Hakkai…but I like to think of it as one of the first steps to an even more glorifying and spectacular ideal. You see, the more powerful the monk, the greater the benefits you receive from eating him, and a Sanzo is the highest priest there is."

Suddenly, I just felt like laughing. In fact, I couldn't quite contain a chuckle, "You wanna' _eat_ Sanzo?"

"Exactly." He smiled warmly.

"Well okay then. Not like you could, even if you tried, but hey, looks like that doesn't matter anyway, because we're here. Not Sanzo."

"Believe me, I thought that might happen. I'm no idiot, Sha Gojyo." He wagged his long, clawed forefinger at me, "I did my research before putting my plan into action, so I learned of course that you two stooges go on errands for Master Sanzo. I figured you would come here instead of him, but it hardly matters now. Once the two of you are dead, I'll have no one to deal with but Sanzo and the boy he's taken in, Son Goku. Besides, your deaths will be a blow to his morale if nothing else."

"I'm afraid that's a miscalculation." Hakkai interrupted, "I doubt Sanzo would be affected, even if we were to die."

The maniac went on babbling, like Hakkai hadn't spoken, and he spun around a few times, hands raised to the air, "I can hardly believe this is happening. When you're out of the way, nothing will keep me from killing him, and those who devour a Sanzo priest live forever."

I rolled my eyes, "You listenin' jerkoff? We came to kill _you_. And we'll do it too. So just give up on your psychotic plan."

He stopped spinning suddenly to look at me, "But that's the best part. The two of you have already fallen right into my hands." Slowly, he reached into his pocket.

I got ready to defend myself.

Behind us, the youkai army shuffled a little, but none of them made a move.

He drew something from his pocket and lifted it high in the air. It looked like a simple, black box with a single red button in the middle. Big deal.

Whatever it was, Hakkai freaked. He spun around suddenly, "Run!"

"Run? For what?" I only half-turned to watch him.

At the same time, the psychotic freak pushed that button.

I thought all hell broke loose. First, there was an ear-shattering bang that went off right beside me; a wave of heat engulfed me, and there was an unbelievably bright flash of light. My hair and clothing were blown and billowed by the force of the blast, and I was knocked off my feet, hit the cold, steel floor with and oomph.

Just like that, half a dozen other explosions went off around the warehouse. Some close. Some on the other side of the room. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. All around me was nothing but a network of yellow-orange flares, followed by billowing, black smoke. My head pounded. My heart raced. I felt unbearable heat, accompanied by terror and utter shock. The ground shuddered beneath me, and the ceiling started to crumble. My vision went totally blurry after the first detonation, and I could hardly see what was happening around me, but I knew rafters and stone beams and cinderblocks were falling all around me, smashing crates and youkai and even the veranda we were on.

Somehow I managed to find my feet, even in the middle of it all, scrambling after Hakkai. He was just getting up too, calling back to me to run, voice drowned out in the sounds of the explosions.

Everything hurt. The wound in my side, my head, my chest. All of it. But I ran for all I was worth. I had no idea where we were going or how we could get out of here with everything caving in on us, but I knew it was my only chance at surviving.

Above me, there was a dull rumble. I felt disturbance in the air.

A flaming block of steel, wood and stone twice my size fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me, directly between me and Hakkai, almost like it had been planned. Just like that, I felt the floor giving way beneath me. I watched as the steel veranda was ripped in two, as easy as snapping a tooth pick in half, and I heard the wrenching, screeching sound of metal being twisted and broken.

On the other side of the gaping rift, I watch Hakkai stumble, arms flailing, mouth open in a silent scream.

I couldn't even react, so I just stood there and watched as he lost his balance.

The block went right through the veranda. Hakkai tumbled through too, arms still waving uselessly, eyes wide, mouth shouting.

It was enough to knock me down too. The floor gave out from under me, and I was falling, falling…. Wildly, I grabbed at the air, desperately looking for anything to hold on to, barely managed to get a grip on the edge of the veranda, felt torn up metal cut across my palm and along my knuckles.

A split second later, the block hit the floor underneath, and there was some kind of chain reaction—I don't know if it hit a barrel full of dynamite or what—but immediately, there was a seventh explosion, even bigger than the last six had been. A bubbling, orange mushroom cloud swelled up through the hole, even as the veranda was collapsing, proceeded by a wave of heat, followed by a painful rain of shrapnel and debris. A thick plume of smoke rose up out of the hole, and I lost sight of Hakkai completely.

I think I was screaming his name. I don't know. I couldn't even hear my own voice, and honestly, I couldn't believe this was happening. I couldn't believe we'd completely lost control of the situation, and I definitely couldn't believe Hakkai had just fallen into that explosion. I mean, there was no way he could survive that—not even him.

In the mean time, I was losing my grip too.

The maniac who'd started all this had completely disappeared. For all I knew, he'd been blown all to hell—maybe that was his brilliant scheme.

Desperately, I clawed at the edge of the veranda, doing my best to pull myself up, but I already knew it was futile.

In a way, this was a little like the mission when Hakkai and I had fought an ogre in the sanctuary on top of the mountain. We'd gone to check up on some monks, and in the end, the building had collapsed.

_History really does repeat itself._ I thought, as I finally lost my grip and plunged into the fire as well.

I hit hard. So hard, I thought I broke my arm, and then I lay there, writhing in pain and screaming soundlessly. Maybe it wasn't soundless. Maybe I just couldn't hear. My head hurt too, and I could have sworn I felt blood leaking out my ears. The heat was blistering all around me, closing in for the kill.

When I opened my eyes, things looked pretty bleak for me. I was alive, but the block that had fallen from the ceiling was blocking my view of where Hakkai should have been, and there was more shit falling from the sky now, some of it big enough to crush me in one swoop. I curled myself into a ball, shielding my head the best I could until stuff stopped falling, and then I looked around again, thinking Hakkai would have been beside me by now, if he weren't hurt or dead.

Slowly, I stood up, testing my body for any serious injuries.

"H-hakkai?" I choked. My lungs were on fire, my chest burning, and every breath was torture, the wound in my side sizzling with pain, legs aching from the fall. I could feel that I'd bruised my shoulder and damaged my arm. For the most part, I was in one piece, and aside from the fact that it felt like I was inhaling chemicals, I would probably be okay.

As my vision started to clear up, I looked around the fiery wasteland. The floor was littered with blackened, charred youkai corpses, and the flames made walls all around me. Beams had collapsed here and there, and the entire stairwell had fallen, completely barring me from the door.

I'd be okay though. I knew I'd been through worse.

The only thing that had me worried was that I didn't see Hakkai anywhere.

As quickly as my injured body would allow, I began to make my way across the room, coughing and gagging as I went; I did my best to keep my head low, covering my mouth and nose with my sleeve, but I kept my stinging eyes open for him, and I raised my voice as much as I could, calling to him.

"Hakkai! C'mon man, don't do this to me. Where are you?"

I already knew though. I'd seen him fall into that explosion. I'd watched that wall of fire swell around him. There was no way he'd survived—he was one of the many burnt, unrecognizable bodies strewn throughout the warehouse now, and looking for him was a waste of time.

Even if I found him, chances were I wouldn't know it was him, and I definitely wouldn't be able to help him.

The best thing for me to do was to just finish the mission—that was all I could get my mind around. It was all I dared to even think about, because thinking about Hakkai being dead wasn't an option.

_Why should I care? He was just a nag._

A nag who'd lived with me, side by side, day by day, through good times and bad. A guy whose life I'd saved. A guy who'd saved my life.

_The mission. Gotta' focus on the mission._

Hakkai being dead shouldn't matter that much to me anyway. It wasn't like I'd known him for years and years.

_It's not like we were super close._

I wound my way through the maze of fire, stumbling over corpses and tripping on flaming beams that had collapsed. Sometimes, I came across an especially large chunk of debris, burning fiercely, and I had to skirt around it until I found a safe way through. All the while I was coughing more and more, and my lungs were hurting really bad, and I just wished I were at home. I wished I'd never agreed to run this errand for Sanzo—not when it had cost Hakkai his life.

Angrily, I shook the thought away, listened carefully for any sign of the psycho who had done this. Did he really think eating those acolytes had made him stronger? Did he really believe that eating Sanzo would make him immortal? Even if he actually thought that—hell, even if it were all true—what the hell difference would it make if he went and died in an explosion he'd set in the first place? No, he had to have some kind of a backup plan or a way out already in mind. The crazy dick couldn't actually be _that_ crazy, could he?

_He was crazy enough to kill Hakkai for nothing._

Just this morning Hakkai had been fine. We'd eaten breakfast, and he'd laughed at me over something I couldn't even remember, and he'd been just fine. And then we'd had that argument—that stupid, pointless, childish argument—Fuck. I didn't know.

_"If you're so sick of me and the way I live my life, why don't you just take your shit and find some place else to live?"_

Shit. Was that really the last thing I'd ever say to him?

_"Very well then, perhaps I will. When we get back, I'd be glad to pack my belongings and go—you never have to see me again, if you don't want to."_

Was that honestly the last thing I'd ever hear him say to me?

The reality was gripping and horrible. Obviously, if I'd known, I wouldn't have said those things to him. I wouldn't have thrown such a fit over it. I would have promised to change—I might have even made some pathetic attempt at changing—I would have at least apologized, but I didn't know. I didn't know it was going to be his last day alive.

Out of pure despair, I screamed his name again, "Hakkai!"

But he didn't answer.

I had to focus. So he was dead. I was still alive, and that was what was really important, and it was up to me to finish what we'd started. If there were any acolytes left, I had to get them out of here before the building burned to the ground. If there weren't, I had to kill that crazy bastard.

_Not out of revenge though. Just because that's what Sanzo's paying me to do._

It wasn't my place to avenge Hakkai…

I came to the wall of the room, sidled along it, cradling my damaged arm and trying not to brush against the stone. Everything around me felt hot and overwhelming, and I thought I was going to suffocate. I covered my face and tried to duck under the smoke.

Ahead of me, I thought I saw a shape. At first, I couldn't quite make out what it was…. Almost like a gaping hole in the wall, black and cold…

A doorway? Not a normal doorway though—it looked like it led down to a dark passageway.

Cautiously, I approached it.

It was definitely a passage of some kind. The steps were concrete, like everything else, and they descended steeply, straight down into the earth for all I knew. There was a cool, but faint breeze fluttering up from down there, stirring my hair ever so slightly.

If that nutjob was going to have any kind of escape route, I figured this would be it.

One last time, I turned to look out over the burning room, at the flaming debris and the mutilated victims, knowing Hakkai's body was there somewhere. It felt wrong to just leave it, to just walk away and forget about it, but at the same time, it would be stupid to wander around looking for it when chances were I'd just get burned alive too. That wasn't what he'd want.

"Sorry, Hakkai." I coughed, and then I took the first step down into the darkness.

At first, the light of the fire behind me lit my way with an eerie, flickering, orange glow, but as I made my way down, I gradually left the light, and the warmth behind me, and I was enveloped by a cool, damp blackness so thick I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. I thought about lighting my cigarette lighter so I could see what was in front of me, even if it was only just by a few steps, but I decided I'd walk just a little longer in the solitude, breathing hard and letting the dank passage sooth the burn that was consuming my body.

I made my way as quickly as I dared, groping my way along the smooth, stone wall, staying alert—even if I couldn't see, I could still hear and smell and feel—but so far there was nothing.

It seemed like I went down those stairs forever, trying to focus, doing everything I could not to think about Hakkai…

_It doesn't really matter that he's dead. He wasn't…I mean, it's just that we weren't that close._

That's what I'd tell Goku and Sanzo, if they even asked.

_We weren't that close._

It really shouldn't matter that much. Sure, it sort of sucked that now I had to do this—and any other stupid job Sanzo came up with—all alone, but that's life. I was used to getting left behind.

_"…I'd never leave you behind like that…"_

_ Yeah right, Hakkai. You were just like everyone else in the end, weren't you?_

Those thoughts were pointless—I knew they were just going to bring me down—so I shoved them aside.

I'd been walking forever when I ran headlong into something hard. At first, I thought it was another wall, and I almost panicked: The last thing I needed was to get trapped down here, with the fire above me and nowhere to go; but when I finally did get my lighter out, I saw that I'd run into a door. It was broad, and probably pretty thick, made of wood, I think, but with steel trim, like it belonged in some ancient dungeon. Something about it made me feel sick to my stomach, and a chill ran down my spine.

Shit, I shouldn't have to be doing this all by myself, that wasn't what I'd bargained for. In fact, I never would have agreed to do any of this if I'd known I was going to lose Hakkai in the middle of it.

And I definitely wasn't going to volunteer for anymore life-threatening errands either. Things were going to go back to normal for me.

I pushed the door open slowly, surprised by how easy it was. It was heavy, but not nearly as heavy as it looked, and the hinges didn't so much as creak.

I stepped into a room roughly the size of my bedroom back home, with dirt floors and rough-cut stone walls. It was cold here too, and damp; I heard water dripping somewhere, and there was an awful reek filling the air. Something like a rotting body. Blood and guts and shit and every other nasty smell I could think of. I was almost afraid to look, but I knew I had to, and I wasn't going to chicken out now. That wasn't my style.

Honestly though, some part of me did want to run home and hide under the covers and just forget that this day had ever existed.

On the far wall, I saw three skeletons. The flesh looked like it had been ripped off them recently, and the bones were stained dull red; the jaws were unhinged, like they'd died screaming. Here and there, I saw patches of blood or lumps of rotting organs, flies buzzing around them, maggot squirming through them. Off to the side, there was a pile of bright orange robes, all three stained with red as bright as my hair.

I sighed, "Well shit. That doesn't look good for my paycheck."

Fuckin' Sanzo had _better_ still pay me something, even if it was just my half. I'd better get some sort of compensation for going through all this bullshit. At the very least, he owed me for getting Hakkai killed on this dumb job.

Trying to find something else to focus on, I looked around, noticing that there was a pretty natural light in the room already, so I didn't even need my lighter. It seemed to be coming from up, very, very high above my head. I made my way to it, taking careful steps so I wouldn't trip over anymore skeletons, and stood directly beneath it, looking up to where I could see a small, white dot of sunlight.

There was a steel ladder there, black with thick, round rungs.

It probably led to the surface.

So that's how that crazy asshole had gotten out. But…

I looked at the skeletons again, reluctantly, and for the first time I noticed the thick, black manacles that were chaining them to the wall. They had died just a few feet away from the exit, minutes away from escape, less than an hour away from Chang'an.

What a bummer. Fuck, what an honest-to-God tragedy. Not to mention a waste. It made my heart feel like a lead paperweight, sinking deep inside my chest.

"Sorry guys." I whispered. "I tried."

With that, I grabbed hold of the first rung and began to climb, relying mostly on my legs and keeping my damaged arm tucked against my chest.

It took forever, it seemed, and I kept thinking. I couldn't escape my thoughts, and I couldn't get over what I'd seen. I couldn't convince myself that what I'd lost didn't matter, and by the time I was near the top of the ladder, I felt like I could scream.

What a fucked up day. What a fucked up, shitty day.

_I'm being too negative. This is just part of life, isn't it? I can't let it bother me so much, because if I let my guard down, that crazy dick will just kill me too._

Besides, life was going to go back to normal without Hakkai: I'd go back to making my living by gambling, calling on a different girl every night, stumbling home whenever I felt like it, because there was no one to give a shit what I did or to nag me for what I didn't do; I'd go back to being lonely all day, dealing with the pain and the scars and the past all by myself, wishing there was someone, even just one person, who I could honestly and truly trust…

Yeah. That sounded pretty normal.

I emerged from the pit, limbs burning from the climb. I was a few hundred feet from the warehouse, which was blazing pretty good now, and some of the people from the town were gathered on the road, watching and talking, but they were too far away and too distracted to notice me. A partially rotted board was lying nearby. It wasn't very thick or very heavy—I guess its sole purpose was to hide the back door to this place.

Feeling dirty and exhausted and just plain pissed off, I heaved myself up out of the ground and stood on the grass.

I was knocked down immediately, landed face-first in the dirt with an oomph.

A bunch of youkai were standing over me; they weren't laughing or sneering or saying anything. They just had those blank looks, like the rest of them.

Their puppeteer stood in front of me, hands on his hips, "So, you survived? I'm impressed."

I sat up, spitting out blood and dirt. "Yeah, well you shouldn't be—it takes more than a little camp fire to kill me."

"What about your friend? Is he not as tenacious as you are?"

"Mind your own business." I growled.

That asshole laughed in my face, "He's dead isn't he? If that fall didn't kill him, the fire did, am I right? What a shame."

"It doesn't matter." I stood up again, eyes darting between them, waiting to see which of them would attack first, "I can take you bastards on by myself."

He just grinned at me, so over confident and cocky. Damn, I really wanted to beat his fucking, black face in. "I guess you're not all that bright, huh? Don't you remember what I told you inside? I ate those three acolytes."

"What'dya' want, an 'I eat Children' badge? I don't buy it for a second that eating some diaper-wearing monks is gonna' make you any stronger, and even if it did, you said that eating Sanzo was gonna' make you immortal, and you ain't eaten him yet. You won't even get a chance."

"Oh, stop being so petty. Why don't you just go home? You're alive, the monks are dead, there's nothing left for you to do here." He cocked his head thoughtfully, "Unless…you want to make me pay for what I did to your friend."

"Hell, why not?" I grinned right back at him, imagining how nice it would be to twist his neck until it snapped, "I got nothin' better to do."

The little prick giggled, and then he snapped his fingers.

His youkai slaves came at me, one after another, claws aching to get a slice of me.

I knocked the first one to the side and kicked the second one in the head. The first came back at me and I gave him a mean right hook, right in the ear, heard the satisfying snap of his skull cracking. The third and fourth moved in, not looking even slightly hesitant. Damn. What kind of spell did this ass have them under that they weren't even afraid to die?

Number four attacked me with his teeth, doing his best to rip my neck open, but I was too fast for him. I threw him down, busted number five's nose with my elbow seconds before he could grab me from behind.

By then, number two was getting up, holding his bleeding mouth and looking dazed. I kicked him back down, squashing one of his vertebrae under my boot.

It was sort of a shame. These guys were probably just normal dudes once, before this asshole decided to enslave them. They didn't really deserve to get killed.

I opted to knock five, six and seven out as quickly and painlessly as I could, hoping that if I killed the mouthy one, they'd go back to normal.

He laughed hysterically the whole time.

Goddamn. Just how crazy was this guy?

Anybody who thought eating a priest was going to make them tougher had to be absolutely bat shit.

I moved in on him, "And now, dick wad, it's finally your turn."

"Oh, please." He swiped at one of his pale eyes, like he was laughing so hard he was crying; his skin looked black as oil under the purity of the sunlight. It just wasn't natural at all, not even for a demon. He looked like he'd come right out of hell, with those pale, red-rimmed eyes and those fine, silver markings all over his body. "You'll never defeat me. Not in a million years."

"Go ahead and keep right on believing that, fruitcake." I sprang at him, swinging first one fist, and then another, ignoring the pain in my damaged arm. He dodged both, darting backward, out of my arm's reach. I dashed after him, snarling. I kicked at his face. He stepped out of the way like I was a little kid. I swung again, and missed. He was faster than he looked, for sure.

"Stand still, you fucking dick!" I took another swipe at his jaw.

This time he caught my hand. His ink-black skin was freezing to the touch, and I thought I saw my own flesh becoming even whiter where he was touching me. His claws dug in and I started bleeding. Everything was black and white and red. I started to feel sick. Right beside my ear, his mouth hissed, pouring putrid, cold breath all over my face. "Sha Gojyo. You are nothing to me. A feeble mortal like you is completely helpless against my power, do you understand?"

I tried to speak, tried to tell him what a disgusting piece of shit he was, but I couldn't move. Not my mouth, not my legs, not even my fingers. I was frozen in time, body paralyzed, and I felt my mind slowly, slowly beginning to shut down.

He kept right on hissing in my ear, "You should have died in there, you know. Not your friend. He had something to offer the world, and you're a nobody who can't do anything except use others and take advantage of them. Tell me, why is it that you're alive and he is not? Why did you allow such a thing to happen?"

Why had I? That was stupid. I knew he was right—Hakkai always talked like he was such a bad guy, but really he wasn't. I was the lowlife, degenerate scumbag who couldn't even pick up his own trash. I should be dead, not him.

"You should have died a long time ago." I felt his icy hand snake down my cheek, over my scars, "Am I right?"

Maybe. Maybe if Mom had just killed me this wouldn't be happening now. Maybe Hakkai wouldn't be a toasted marshmallow inside a collapsing warehouse.

"You."

His breath was like rotting flesh pressed against my cheek.

"Should die."

My heartbeat was slowing to a dull thud now, as I succumbed to his words.

"Sha Gojyo."

Shit on a goddamn stick. His words were actually getting to me—I could feel every bit of my body responding to what he was saying, and slowly shutting down as a result. But he was right…

_Wait a minute…this guy doesn't know anything about me. This guy doesn't know anything about anything._

I stared at him, those round eyes as pale as twin moons, that creepy smile white as bone. He was completely deranged. Why was I listening to him? The fucktard actually believed that eating Sanzo would make him live forever. What a stupid idea.

Too bad there was nothing I could do about it.

"Stop living, Sha Gojyo. Fix these terrible errors and just give up your life. Stop. Now." He touched my chest with his corpse hand, and my heartbeat slowed even more.

Not that I could stop him. I couldn't help myself now any better than I'd been able to help Hakkai. There was nothing I could do for Hakkai, like there was nothing I could do for the monks. I'd utterly failed them all.

Might as well let the psycho kill me, I guess…

_But why? Why throw away your life, Gojyo? Because this freak's telling you to? What's he care if you live or die? I mean, how crazy is he anyway?_

Crazy enough to kill my best friend for nothing.

My best friend…

I could honestly say that I'd never thought about Hakkai that way before, but then, as soon as the thought formed in my head, it was just there, like a permanent fixture inside my mind.

It was still so vivid in my mind, walking through the rain that fateful night, thinking about all the things I hated to think about, wishing there could be some way to change things, to just stop existing maybe. I could still see and smell his blood and feel it hot on my skin, and I remembered the way he looked up at me.

_The way he smiled at me._

And from that moment forward, nothing had been 'normal'. Hakkai changed everything—hell, I never would have met Sanzo and Goku if he hadn't come along, and those two had definitely made life interesting. Just look what was happening to me right now.

Mostly it was Hakkai though: digging up wild onions because I was hungry, laughing at me one second, telling me he found purpose in my life the next. Crisp, snowy nights walking under the stars, talking about life. I could still feel the cold air on my face. Drunk nights, when I was so sure I was going to come home to Banri and he was going to kick a chair out in front of me and stand over me and laugh his ass off about it when I tripped and fell… What a relief it was when Hakkai opened the door instead. Even yesterday morning. I'd never forget what he'd said to me as I'd sat down at the breakfast table.

It wasn't all that often we ate together, especially breakfast, but yesterday he wanted to. He'd gone so far as to wait for me to wake up just so he could eat with me.

"…_This has been the strangest time in my life, I think, Gojyo. It's as if everything before this was a dream…and I'm finally awake. I'll admit, at times, I desperately miss my old life, and of course, I'll always miss Kanan, but…I wouldn't trade this time for anything, because I've learned so much from you,"_

I'd never forget the serene, almost affectionate way he'd smiled at me then.

"I'm sure it sounds strange to you, hearing that…"

It had, but at the same time…not so much, because I knew I was learning things from him every day, and it would be stupid to think he wasn't getting _something_ out of living with me too.

That's when I'd realized it. As soon as he'd said those words, I'd known that somehow, since the day I'd dragged his bleeding ass home in the rain, and all the time that had passed, the things we'd experienced since then, it had all become something more to me. Errands for Sanzo and stew pots and drinking games and losing poker to him over and over and over and over and over, and having to look at that creepy smile day after day, with glimpses of some dark, tortured demon shoved in between occasionally. It was more than having a partner to run errands for Sanzo with, and it was more than having a room mate. I'd always known that—Hakkai and I were connected somehow, deeper than just in the surface of our lives—but it wasn't until yesterday, when he'd smiled at me, that I'd known he was more than just a buddy.

He was my best friend.

And for no logical reason at all, this crazy asshole had taken him away from me.

I stopped listening to him, I ignored his disgusting breath feathering coldly on my face, and I looked inside for the strength I knew I had, and when I found it, way deep down, I grabbed onto it, and I let it drag me to the surface again, and hot blood pumped through my heart again, and I could feel myself breathing steadily and strongly, and all my regret slipped away, and I was glad I was alive, even if it was just so I could have the pleasure of killing this piece of shit.

"Sha Gojyo? What's the matter? Can't you hear me anymore?"

I opened my eyes to glare at him.

I could see the shock all over his face, even from that one insignificant act of defiance.

I hauled off and busted him as hard as I could across the jaw.

He lost his grip on me and reeled back, fell heavily on the grass, laid sprawled there a moment, touching his cheek and staring up at me with wonder, "But…how did you…? No one's ever broken free before…"

"Sounds like you oughta' quit pickin' on weak-willed losers with nothin' to live for." I growled, prowling toward him.

The coward scrabbled at the ground, trying to crawl away, and I saw the very second the terror entered his eyes—he knew I was going to kill him, and what's more, he knew that I could. "No wait…please. No. I was only trying to-"

"You beg all you want. I'm gonna' make you pay for killing Hakkai."

It was easier than I thought it would be.

By the time he was dead, the warehouse was nothing but a pile of smoldering ashes, and the people standing around were shaking their heads and looking more interested than worried. As long as the fire didn't spread to the town, who cared? The warehouse had always been an eye sore anyway, not to mention a gathering place for shady characters.

Whatever. I lit a cigarette and began to make my way home, stiffly.

Now that that freak was dead, I felt empty. Killing him had been the only thing I could do to ease my conscience, or to get justice for Hakkai's death, but it hadn't brought him back. I still had to go home to my empty house and look at all his shit and deal with the fact that he was never coming back. Life sure was depressing. I guess I couldn't just shut down though…I couldn't stop living—it's not what he would want—so I'd have to try to cope, and maybe in a while, like in a year or two, I'd be okay again. It would be a helluva rough couple of years though.

"God, I keep getting really shitty hands, don't I?"

"Well, you're not that good a gambler."

The voice was so familiar and so commonplace, it didn't even register with me. Of course he would say that. It's the exact kind of thing the little bastard would say. I just snorted, because there was nothing else to do.

I stopped mid-step. And then I was frozen again.

"Are you honestly going to walk right by and go home without me?" This time, the voice sounded exhausted and pained. "It may take me several days to get there by myself."

Slowly, very slowly, I turned my head. I was actually scared of what would be there—the last thing I wanted was to see him missing his legs or his arms or something like that. I didn't want to see him all mutilated and ruined, still smiling like it was the most beautiful day in the world.

He was sitting not ten feet away from me, hunched over in pain on an old stump, and he was bloody and tattered, covered in soot, face blackened by smoke, glasses broken, burned here and there…. He looked like a friggin' ghost.

I stared at him, and he stared back at me.

"After all." His calm, nonchalant, teasing voice went on, like nothing was wrong. Like nothing had ever been wrong, "I know we had a fight earlier, but I didn't think it was so serious that you'd leave me in such a wretched state."

I didn't know how to do anything but stare.

"Gojyo?"

Staring was really the only thing that made any sense.

"Why are you making that face?"

Face? Face? What face? Was I making a face?

Actually, I probably was. I probably looked totally shocked, maybe even a little scared, disbelieving, relieved, completely and utterly freaked out. I mean, I had been like one hundred percent positive that my best friend was dead not two minutes ago. I had been starting to think about how to continue on without him in my life.

As casually as I could, I made my way toward him.

My legs gave out on the first step—they were shaking and they felt like noodles—and I collapsed in a heap.

When I looked up, he was frowning and leaning forward slightly, "Are you hurt?"

"Hurt?" My voice was husky. I told myself it was from the smoke. "No. I'm not hurt. What…" I tried to take a deep breath, "What about you?"

"I have some fairly severe burns…and I seem to have injured my leg pretty badly, but for the most part, I was lucky."

Lucky. Yeah. Hakkai was usually lucky. That's why he won so many damn card games. Come to think of it, I should have known he was alive. Why in the world did I think he was dead in the first place?

"Gojyo?"

Damn, didn't he even realize I'd thought he was dead?

"How long were you sitting there?"

"Long enough."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"Ah, I'm a firm believer in the idea that it's rude to interrupt. Besides, it was an extremely interesting scene to bear witness to."

"You're really fucked up, man."

"Did you honestly believe I was dead?"

"Um. Kinda'. Yeah."

"I must admit, I find that rather insulting. I should hope it would take a bit more than that to do me in."

"Right. Sorry."

He got up after a moment—it looked like it was a pretty painful move to make—hobbled over to me, and I saw that his leg was covered in blood; just the same, he offered me his hand and helped me stand up again. "As long as we're being honest, I was quite concerned that _you_ might be dead."

"No way. It'll take more than a measly fire to kill me."

"I see."

At last I made myself look him in the eye. It made me want to fall down again. He was alive. What was with this guy? Every time I was sure he was gone forever, he always found some way to come back. I'd never known anyone so persistent to stick around.

Very slowly, we began to walk. I hooked his arm around my neck and helped him along, and we made the long, painful journey home. Neither of us said a word about the fight we'd had, or about the fact that I'd told him to leave, that he'd said that he'd love to. I didn't want to think about that ever again.

"It was good to see you overcome him." Hakkai said presently. "I wasn't sure I'd be able to find the strength to help you."

"Feh. He wasn't that tough."

"However, I was curious as to what it was that changed your mind. You seemed rather convinced for a moment that you really should simply give in and die."

"It was a lot of things…but mostly, I just really wanted to kick his ass for killing you."

"How very sentimental of you."

It really was sort of pathetic. But, as long as I was being pathetic…

"I thought about what you said to me."  
>"I said a lot of things this morning, Gojyo…I-I didn't mean it."<p>

"Not about that. About what you said yesterday, at breakfast. I decided I wouldn't wanna' just give this last year up either, not even if I thought I could make everything exactly how I wanted it."

He was quiet a moment, like maybe he hadn't been expecting to hear me say that, "It has been quite a year, hasn't it? I almost can't believe it's been that long. Seems like it was yesterday…all of this has gone by so quickly."

"I know."

"To think of where I was one year ago—even more so, where I _almost_ was—is unreal to me; and realizing that a single event, let alone just one person, could alter that fate so drastically…at times, I can't convince myself that I'm worthy of such a thing."

I knew exactly how that felt.

He added as a soft afterthought, "We've been through a lot together."

That was true. In the last year, we'd been on at least a dozen missions for Sanzo, some more dangerous than others, some just plain tedious, but we always did them together. Neither of us had ever said 'screw you, go by yourself,' not even today when it had seemed like being together was more of a hindrance than a help. For a while, I had almost resented Sanzo for pushing his work off on us, and sometimes I sort of wished I could go back to the way things were before. Suddenly though, I wanted it to stay this way.

We made it home somehow, even past the weird looks everyone in town gave us. A few so-called friends came up and tried to find out what had happened, but we ignored them and kept going; mutually, we decided not to go see Sanzo again today, so we just went to our house and did our best to patch each others' wounds, and then Hakkai fell asleep on the couch.

I hadn't even realized how tired I was until I was sitting there, thinking about what I'd just been through and feeling bloody and smoky and incredibly lucky, and when it hit me, all I wanted to do was sleep for a year.

I wound up crashing out on the floor next to the couch, listening to Hakkai's deep, calm breathing.

Just once, I woke up; the room was dark with only a pale, purple light coming through the windows, like the sun had almost finished setting, and my jacket draped over me like a blanket. Even though I couldn't see Hakkai's face, I could sense he was awake.

For a while, I lay there, trying to go back to sleep, but all I could think about was the fight we'd had and the way we'd never really resolved it, and how Hakkai had almost died today.

I murmured, still half-asleep, "Hey, man. Sorry I'm such a pain in the ass to live with."

He took his time answering, and I almost started thinking he was mad again. "No." He said softly, "You're not. I suppose I'm just very picky."

"Do you regret moving in with me?"

"Of course I don't."

"Me neither. I didn't mean what I said about you moving out."

"I know. Nor did I."

"It's…cool that you're here…you kinda' take care of me."

"Well, someone has to."

I snorted, then thought a while longer, closed my eyes to try to sleep again, "You're gonna' stick around, right?"

"Yes. In hindsight, it would be absurd for me to leave…. After all, a year isn't very long—you and I are still getting to know one another, which naturally calls for a little patience and understanding. I apologize for losing sight of that today."

"'Sall right." I answered drowsily, "I'm just glad you're not dead."

"Believe me, the feeling is mutual. Which reminds me—maybe this is a moot question now—but did you ever find out if that man actually ate the acolytes?"

"Uh-hunh. All three of 'em are dead."

"I see. How unfortunate."

"Yeah, not ev'rybody's as lucky as we are."

He said at length, "Yes, I suppose that's very true.

We didn't go see Sanzo the next day, or even the day after that. Finally, on the third day, he came to see us, bringing Goku with him and looking especially annoyed.

"Would it kill you to report back to me? I was starting to think you two idiots were dead."

"Awe, I never knew you cared." I sniffed.

He sat down heavily and lit a cigarette immediately, while Goku raided the kitchen. We both still looked like hell, and Hakkai was in the middle of changing my bandages when they showed up.

"I don't. It would just be nice to know what happened to my acolytes."

"Now, _they_ are dead." Hakkai told him, way too cheerfully.

"Really?" Goku looked up from the fridge, "Ya' didn't save 'em?"

Sanzo complained, "My three best students. What good are you two misfits anyway?"

"Hey, dipshit." I leaned toward him angrily, "You didn't tell us that the kidnapper was completely bat-shit-crazy."

"Gojyo, please sit up straight." Hakkai reminded me.

"I told you to be careful, remember?" Sanzo scowled at me. "It isn't my fault you got your asses handed to you."

"We still killed him, didn't we? That's all that matters."

"That _isn't_ all that matters—I sent you to save my acolytes."

I shrugged at him and rested my elbow on the table. "Sorry. Better do it yourself next time."

"Gojyo, I can't do this properly if you don't sit up straight."

Sighing, I did my best to sit up a little straighter.

"So what'd that guy want 'em for anyway?" asked Goku, shutting the fridge.

It might freak the kid out if he knew some people apparently thought eating a Sanzo was good for your health, so I said, "Eh, he was just a perverted whack-job. Right 'Kai?"

"At the very least he had some sort of severe chemical imbalance." Hakkai agreed easily.

"What a waste of my time." Sanzo scoffed, standing up suddenly. He reached into his robe sleeve and dropped a leather pouch, heavy with money, onto the table. "You don't really deserve this."

I picked it up suspiciously, "You're paying us for the trouble? That's a new one."

Hakkai finished wrapping my waist, tied off the bandages, "Feeling all right, Sanzo?"

"Feh. At least you killed him before he could cause me anymore trouble—I figure that means I owe you _something_."

"Yes, but this is the full amount."

Sanzo didn't look like he knew how to explain himself, so he just put on that impassive, droopy-eyed frown and said casually, "If you weren't completely out of food before we came, you will be by the time we leave. Now just take it and shut up."

"I see. Well, thank-you very much."

He was already heading for the door, but before I could even start to feel grateful toward him, he called over his shoulder, "Next time, leave your personal issues at home; maybe then you won't fail. Goku! We're leaving. Say goodbye. Now."

"'Kay!"

Hakkai limped after Sanzo, probably showing him to the door, like a good host, and Goku stopped to stand next to me.

"Ewe. You're a mess."

"Heh. And I didn't even get the worst of it." I thought again about Hakkai falling into that fire, found myself wondering how the hell he'd gotten out of there.

The kid lingered a while longer, staring at me with an expression that told me he had a question he wanted to ask.

"What'dya' want, punky?"

"You guys're still friends…right?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't we be?"

"Dunno'. Ya' just seemed really mad at each other the other day."

"We worked it out."

"That's good. It'd be kinda' sad if you guys stopped being friends."

"Try not to lose sleep over it." I teased.

"Bleh." Sanzo called him, and he started to walk away. "You're such a jerk, Gojyo."

"I know, I know." I took a deep drag off my cigarette, "It's amazing anybody puts up with me."


	5. Chapter 5

**Note: As of now, I have illustrations for each mission uploaded on my deviantart. .com/art/Mission-1-C-mon-Sunshine-280660969  
>Enjoy. <strong>

Mission Five

All the Things In Between

I let my final opponent slump to the floor, dead, and lifted my head to look around as I stepped over him. The light of the full moon was pure silver, making everything look as if it were dusted in a fine frost, and the shadows in the alleyway were long and deep; they hid some of the corpses, but not enough of them. Someone could still stroll by at any given moment and see what had happened here—we'd certainly have a difficult time explaining this. I'm not sure anyone would believe we were taking orders from a priest….

I considered the labor intensity required to hide a dozen dead bodies; it could be done, of course, but we wouldn't get home until late tonight.

Normally, I never would have had a bloody showdown in public like this, not even if I _was_ fighting a group of murderous criminals, but my partner didn't have that same discretion. Gojyo was in a hurry, per usual, and he'd sprung our trap too early, and as a result, we had this mess to clean up now.

He was coming toward me now, spewing a thin cloud of white cigarette smoke and walking over dead men with ease. "Whoo. What a rush, huh?"

I tried to keep my temper—in the past, I'd learned that snapping at Gojyo usually launched us into a shouting match—instead I reminded myself that jumping the gun and being the first one into a fight was just part of who he was, as much as biding my time and contemplating consequences and coming up with a strategy first was part of who I was.

"Yes. However, killing them _here_ may not have been the best idea."

"Why not?" He rested his elbow on my shoulder, and I let him, as usual. I'd seen Sanzo rebuff the exact same gesture dozens of times, and I was learning how much that insulted Gojyo. "Sanzo didn't say there was anywhere in particular we were supposed to do it, did he?"

"No. But as you can see, this is quite an open spot you chose, and unless we want to incite an investigation in this town, we'll have to come up with some way to hide this mess."

"Hell, I say let 'em investigate. These guys were just a buncha' lowlife killers anyway."

I couldn't help sounding just a touch aggravated as I answered. "Be that as it may, I'd rather not be brought in for questioning."

"Sanzo can cover for us though, can't he?"

"Perhaps, but Sanzo never told us to kill them, you might recall. I'm not sure he could help us."

"Fuck. So what're we supposed to do?"

"We'll have to hide them, of course. Fortunately for us, they're not the type of people to be missed."

"Damn. That'll take all night!"

"Yes it will. I suggest we get started if you want to get home before the sun rises."

It took approximately two hours to transport all the bodies to a secluded location and bury them, and it was an exhausting, tedious task, which made me feel more and more frustrated with each passing second.

"Hopefully this experience will teach you to act with a bit more tact in the future, because I for one do not enjoy burying bodies at midnight."

Gojyo didn't answer. He'd been quiet for the last two hours, and I knew he was just as tired and hungry and annoyed as I was

I dumped the twelfth and final body into the shallow grave we'd dug, and we covered it rather hurriedly. "There. _Now_ we can go home."

"Man." He sighed. "We really need to get a car or something.

As he walked away, I hung back a moment, looking down at the graves. We'd hidden them as best we could with brush and fallen timber, and if we were lucky, no one would discover them; then, for some reason I couldn't quite explain, I looked down at my hands.

Under the moonlight, my flesh looked smooth and white. My fingers and palms were bathed in both thick, black mud and half-dried crimson, a look that was all too familiar, and the sight reminded me that, once, I hadn't been so cautious, and that there had been one battle I'd rushed into, never considering the ramifications, dreaming only of the reward at the end.

Seeing my hands once again dipped in blood sent a chill down my spine.

_"Gonou, what are you doing?"_

_ She was lingering near me, lips just a hair's breadth from mine, but something was terribly wrong._

_ The knife was still jutting out of her stomach, and that familiar, pale yellow dress was drenched in blood._

_ It was on me too. On my hands and my face, staining my clothes and matting my hair. There was nothing I could ever do to wash it away._

_ "Why?" She husked, beautiful face beginning to rot._

_ Slowly, she lifted her delicate, slim fingers to trace over my lips. Her hand was as cold as ice._

_ "You promised you would stop."_

I woke up, strangling a cry, sat up straight and fast, clutching at the blankets so tightly my knuckles ached. "Kanan!"

My room was light up with moonlight. When we got home, I'd been in such a rush to go to bed, I must have forgotten to close my curtains, and outside, I could see the white moon, beginning to dip toward the western horizon. Everything around me was perfectly still, and I sat, breathing hard and trying to calm myself, wishing I could somehow make the dream go away, but it was still in my head, rattling around like a loose screw.

Out of reaction, I looked at my hands. They were white and clean—of course they were—I'd washed them before turning in for the night, and yet…they didn't feel clean to me. They felt heavy and filthy and undeserving, as always.

_You promised you would stop._

No, no I couldn't start thinking that way. I'd left that life behind. I'd left my old self behind, and I was doing my best to be someone new. Someone better.

_You're not doing a very good job, you know, killing men who've done nothing to you, hiding bodies in the dead of night._

Once, I had promised myself a life of peace, and now I was living more violently than ever before.

What a hypocrite. I did Sanzo's bidding and disposed of so-called 'murderous criminals', thinking less of them all the while, but in truth, I was no better than any of them.

_That's not true. You left that old life behind—you've become a new person. You're not Cho Gonou anymore—you're Cho _Hakkai.

I pushed the blankets back, rose and padded out of the room and down the hall; I don't know why, but I suppose I thought I might find some respite from these thoughts outside my own room.

Along the way, I passed Gojyo's room. His door was open, and he was passed out face-down on the bed, still clad in the filthy clothes he'd been burying dead criminals in, mud-coated boots and all.

I hesitated there a moment to shake my head wonderingly; his behavior was still an utter mystery to me, but that was all right, I suppose, since, I assumed, mine was equally baffling to him.

_At least he's fortunate enough to not wake up screaming from God-awful nightmares._

Eventually, I pulled his door shut lightly and went on my way. I wandered aimlessly about the house, but my unhappy thoughts were determined to follow me, and in the end, I found myself in the kitchen washing dishes I hadn't gotten a chance to deal with earlier today.

As I rinsed them, I wondered to myself, what difference did it make to change my name from Gonou to Hakkai when Hakkai was going to proceed right down the same murderous path Gonou had followed? I could change my name a thousand times and still be the same hideous, dark-hearted person.

In fact, the only thing I _could_ do to avoid that fate, was to stop fighting and take up a life of peace.

_I've already tried that, and failed._ I reminded myself despairingly.

But what was I supposed to do? I'd made my choice. I could very well be somewhere else right now, perhaps making my living as a teacher, or else utilizing my degree from university, but Gojyo would be dead. I'd made the decision to continue living in this manner for a good reason, and there was no going back on it now. I couldn't very well pretend that hadn't happened.

When I was finished with the dishes, I made myself a plate of food and sat down to eat, but it was unappealing, and I only barely nibbled off it.

My thoughts continued to haunt me, even as the sun began to rise.

_Why can't I pretend that never happened?_

The idea came to me out of the blue, almost like a scent in the air, intriguing and bizarre and seemingly forbidden. Yet, there it was.

Yes, at the time I'd had a very difficult decision to make: on one hand, I'd swore that I'd live a life of peace, I'd said that I didn't want to hurt people anymore, and I'd known what would become of me if I went back on that vow. On the other hand, I had known that Gojyo wasn't coming back that night, not unless I went after him, and in going after him, I had also known that there'd be no saving him without shedding some blood. I'd gone back on the promise I made to myself, as Cho Hakkai, because the alternative was out of the question.

But that was a long time ago. Almost a year now. Gojyo was alive, he'd probably stay that way as long as he didn't go picking fights he couldn't win, and yet I continued to put myself in this position. I continued to live by the sword, so to speak, without any good excuse to do so.

The solution was clear. I had only to renew my promise to myself, give up the life I was leading, and start anew on my new life of peace.

I smiled to myself, surprised to find that the solution was so simple. I didn't want to hurt people, so the answer was to stop. And how hard could that be?

I continued to mull the idea over in my head throughout the rest of the morning, but I decided not to mention it to Gojyo, when he got up, grinning and smoking and teasing, at half-past noon. At least not yet. In fact, I was still thinking about it when we went to Chang'an to collect our payment from Sanzo, and while we were there, I did my best to behave normally, even though it was still weighing heavily on my mind.

Gojyo made fun of Goku for a while, and then interrupted Sanzo and I to tell them about how we'd had to hide all the bodies last night before we left. Goku, innocent as he was, found it extremely funny, but Sanzo was quick to rebuke.

"You know, it would be nice if just once you guys could complete something in an orderly fashion. The last thing I need is for some of this to come back around to me one of these days."

"I understand, Sanzo." I said immediately, "And I apologize. In the future…I'm sure Gojyo will try to be more tactful."

Gojyo scowled at me. Of course he thought I was teasing him—he had no way of knowing what I had been considering, or that last night might have been our last mission together.

"What's the big deal? We got the job done—so it was a little messier than it could have been—but it's not like anyone's gonna' go looking for a gang of thieves."

"Feh. You oughta' listen to him." Sanzo jerked his thumb at me, "He's the only one out of the three of you who's got any damn sense."

"Hey, I had nothin' to do with it." Goku whined. "An' it's not my fault Gojyo's stupid."

Gojyo snarled at him, "Stupid? You're the half-wit monkey who uses his stomach to make all his life-altering decisions!"

Immediately, they were bickering; I laughed half-heartedly.

"Well, Sanzo, if that's all, I suppose we'll be on our way."

"Already? I must be dreaming."

"I'm afraid we can't stay and chat this time, as much as we'd like to—there are other pressing matters to attend to. Good afternoon."

"Wait a minute, Hakkai." He said, before I could get very far.

I held my breath; I had hoped I'd be able to get out before he could assign us another job he needed done.

"Yes, Sanzo?"

"I was summoned by the Three Aspects again this morning. They have something they need me to do."

"But you're waaay too busy to do it, right?" Gojyo sneered, leaning on me.

Sanzo glared at him, but continued as if he hadn't spoken, "This one is actually pretty important."

"Aren't they all?"

I nudged my roommate warningly, "Is it dangerous, Sanzo?"

He gave me a questioning look, like what I'd asked was odd; I thought asking whether or not we were putting our lives at risk was a very normal question, even if neither of us had bothered asking it in the past. "What does it matter?"

"I suppose it doesn't. Very well then, what is it all about?"

Sanzo proceeded to describe the mission to us, and I listened, half-horrified; he was painting a lucid picture of corruption, bloodshed and heathenistic practices, so there was no question in my mind as to why the Three Aspects might want the operation shut down. According to Sanzo, there was one man who we needed to bring back alive, but he inferred that we should act as we saw fit when it came to his henchmen. By the time he was done talking, my stomach was tight, and I feared I might get sick all over his desk.

He waited. Normally when he was finished with the briefing I had a slough of questions to pose, but today I simply wanted to forget everything he'd said.

"When's this gotta' be done by?" Gojyo asked, when it was clear I wasn't going to say anything.

"As soon as possible. Tomorrow, if you can."

"Sounds like a lotta' trouble. You gonna' pay us good?"

Sanzo narrowed his gaze, "Don't I always?"

"Dunno. Well, see you tomorrow, _Lord_ Sanzo."

I left Chang'an in a daze.

All night, I tried to think of ways to get out of the mission. I tossed and turned in my bed and didn't sleep a second. Of course, I could just go, I knew that, but the more I considered it, and the more I dwelled on what Sanzo had told us, the more I realized I didn't want to—more than that, I was afraid to, because I was terrified of who I was going to become if I didn't stop doing this—and as I heard Kanan's voice calling to me in the darkness, I nearly thought I saw her standing at the foot of my bed, dripping from head to toe with blood, whispering. _You said you were going to stop…_

By dawn, I had come to the conclusion that my only option was to simply refuse, and hopefully my friends would understand.

Despite the fact that I was up uncommonly early that day, I went about my morning routine as usual—I brewed a pot of coffee and mixed myself some breakfast, tidied the kitchen up from last night's meal, went for a quick walk, and looked aimlessly for something to occupy my time with while waiting for Gojyo to wake up.

Fortunately, he was a up a little earlier than usual too, so I didn't have to wait more than a couple hours.

I was nervous to tell him what I'd decided, even knowing how silly that was. Gojyo had always hated the missions, and there was no reason why he should be anything other than happy to hear that we weren't going to do them anymore; obviously him choosing to continue on running errands for Sanzo alone was out of the question.

He fooled around a while and wasted time like he always did, and part of me wondered if, supposing I never brought the mission up in the first place, he might not mention it at all, and we'd never have to have this conversation.

It was almost four when he finally came to where I was reading at the kitchen table and stood over my shoulder. "Hey, man, what about that thing we had to do for Sanzo?"

I hardly paused from reading, "What about it?"

"It's getting kinda' late."

"Yes, I suppose you're right."

"We should probably get going, right? I'm gonna' go grab my gear."

Instead of actually walking away, he waited there, watching to see what I would do.

Quietly, I closed my book, then said with equal softness, "I'm not going, Gojyo."

He stared blankly at me, "Eh? Um, what do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said."

Gojyo stood there a while longer, smoking and looking at me, probably deciding what he should do next. "You mean. You don't wanna' do it today?"  
>"I mean I'm not going to do it. Ever."<p>

More silence.

"I'm afraid I won't be running any more errands for Sanzo with you."

At last, he sighed and sank into the chair beside me, looked at me intensely. "Okay, I'm listening. Is this about what I did the other night? If it is, I'm sorry; I just didn't think it was that big a deal."

I smiled to myself, somehow not at all surprised that he was assuming it was his fault. Usually, if I so much as considered blaming him for something, he was ready—almost eager—to accept it. Now, thinking about it, I had never come up with a good reason for why that was.

"In the future, I'll be more careful. Is that what you wanna' hear?"

"It's not about that. In fact, believe it or not, it has nothing to do with anything you've done."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm…not sure how to explain it, other than I just don't want to do this anymore, for all the reasons I initially said I didn't want to. The fact of the matter is, I came here to start a new life, with a new name, and I made a promise to myself that I would start living a life of peace and simplicity, but so far, my new life has been just as sordid and violent as the old one. However, I've come to the realization that it doesn't have to be, if I don't want it to be, and therefore, I've decided to quit while I'm ahead and begin living the life I promised myself. The life she would want for me…" I stared down at my hands, waited for him to answer.

He was quiet for a long, long time, studying my face hard, and just when I thought he wasn't going to say anything at all, he spoke up, "So that's just it then? You're quitting? We haven't even been doing this a whole year, and you're gonna' quit out of the blue?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Shit man, you coulda' warned me."

"I only just decided it this morning."

I was beginning to get the impression that he wasn't exactly pleased with the news.

"I…I don't know if that's a good idea, Hakkai…quitting like that outta' nowhere. Sanzo's gonna' be pissed."

"Since when do you care about that?"  
>"I don't. It's just that I'm almost broke."<p>

"Please don't tell me you spent all of your money in one day."

"No. I guess not…"

I considered his expression a moment, wondering why he looked so bothered. "Do you perhaps have another reason I should reconsider?"

Gojyo shrugged and stood up, all too casually, "Naw, it's your life, man. You should do what you want."

He walked away, and for several days, we didn't discuss it anymore. I think he thought I was going to change my mind after a while.

Five days passed, and finally, Sanzo came to visit us. I was surprised it took him that long to decide to investigate.

He barged into our house that morning, just as I was cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast; Gojyo was still sitting at the table, smoking, complaining of being 'friggin' bored', and looking terribly hung over.

"What in the hell do you two assholes think you're doing?"

I smiled at him over my shoulder, "Good morning, Sanzo. We weren't expecting you—care to give me a hand drying these dishes? I can't ever seem to get anyone to help me."

"Dishes are lame." Gojyo mumbled, and then gave Sanzo a bleary eyed, half-hearted glare, "An' would it kill you to knock? I don't appreciate cranky-ass monks just barging into my house uninvited."

"That was rather rude." I agreed.

Goku stuck his head in the door, looking, I thought, almost worried, but his face brightened immediately when he saw us, "Hey, you guys're okay!"

"'Course we are, chimpy. Why wouldn't we be?"

"Don't call me chimp, ya' lazy kappa!"

"Lazy? Who's lazy?"

"Ah, it certainly couldn't be you, now could it?" I smiled, picking up his plate and taking it to the sink. At last, I turned to fully face Sanzo, whose scowl was even more pronounced than usual, and waited for the tirade that was no doubt on its way.

"You know," He said coldly, "I think you're both lazy."

"I beg to differ with you, Sanzo."

"Oh, you do? So explain it to me then, Hakkai. What did you guys cop out on me for?"

"I assume you're referring to the errand you wanted us to run."

"And we just assumed you two were dead, seeing how you never came back."

"I do apologize for that. You're right—we should have let you know we weren't going to do it."

I was interested to see that his glare got even worse, "You know, even if this asshole _is_ lazy, I thought I could rely on you, Hakkai."

Was he trying to make me feel guilty?

"Of course I'm sorry to have betrayed your trust and for not keeping you informed, however, it's not as if we simply decided not to do it out of some sort of juvenile delinquency."

"That's how it looks." He said angrily, "So what is it? It's been almost a year. Why would I just assume that one day you weren't going to do what I told you?"

Gojyo got up suddenly, "Well who died and made you the boss anyway? Last I checked, we were doing you a favor."

"People don't get paid for favors, dumbass."

"Yeah, well the point is, we don't have to do shit for you, if we don't want to."

"Please." I interrupted. "There's no need to turn this into an argument. Sanzo, I can explain."

"You'd better."

That, truth be told, did rub me the wrong way, and I utterly lost all desire to tell him the truth; smiling brightly at him, I said, "Oh, my, it seems you _do_ have the wrong impression of our agreement."

"Right?" Gojyo snorted, "What gives you the right to barge in here and start treating us like your lackeys? We didn't go 'cause we didn't go. Simple as that."

Sanzo growled. "Well, are you going to?"

"No, I'm afraid not." I said calmly.

All eyes were on me suddenly; Sanzo looked outraged, Goku bewildered, and Gojyo uncertain.

"Why not?" Sanzo demanded.

"'Cause we don't have to. Need a better reason? Now get the hell outta' here."

"No one's talking to you, Kappa!"

My room mate stood shoulder to shoulder with me, "Nope. You're talkin' to _us._"  
>Sanzo gritted his teeth, muscles tense, like he was going to take a swing, but he just grated out, "I should have known better than to ever think a pair of throwback fucks like you could ever be useful for anything. C'mon, Goku. We're leaving."<p>

Goku seemed to be entranced by the tension in the room, blinked slowly at Sanzo, "But, Sanzo…"

"Right. Now." He was already headed for the door, just as stormily as he'd come in."

With one last bewildered, plaintive look at us, Goku followed him.

Outside, I heard Sanzo cursing and muttering to himself.

When they were gone, Gojyo turned to look at me, "Jeez, man, I thought you told him."

"When would I have done that? I've been here with you all week."

"I dunno…it's just not like you to suddenly drop the ball without saying a word."

I knew he was right, but it still irritated me to hear him say it, "Is it?"

Gojyo slouched back in his chair, "So we're really done, huh? Never doing another one?"

"As I told you before."

"Well, yeah, but I thought maybe it was just 'cause that one was kinda' dangerous. Sometimes he has us do stuff that's pretty non-violent. We could still do that."

I thought about it a moment. It was true, we'd done things that we're supposed to be easy and didn't involve killing anyone. It might not hurt to still do those things for Sanzo.

No, if I got involved in even one mission, I'd be sucked back in, and there was no way to omit the violence from the errands Sanzo sent us on. There was a reason he'd chosen us to do the things we did.

"There's never any way to tell when something's going to go wrong or when we might have to kill someone. There are no guarantees in this job, and that's the issue."

Gojyo nodded, but it seemed to be less of an agreement and more of a 'I guess so' gesture, and then he stood up suddenly, "Hey, I'm goin' out for a while."

"Out? Where to?"

"Gonna' go play some poker with the guys at the bar."

"It's rather early for that, isn't it?"

He grabbed his coat off the back of the couch and shrugged at me, "Hell. Nothin' else to do."

The rest of the week proceeded that way as well. I thought I might hear from Sanzo again, but he didn't come back, and I decided not to rush the process. In time, he'd likely get over it, and then things would be okay again. At any rate, I hoped so.

In the meantime, I was doing my best to make my money last, buying only the absolute essentials. Near the end of the week, I was running low, and we made a trip into town to stock up on food.

"What're you gonna' do about making money?" Gojyo asked me.

"I suppose I'm going to find an honest job."

"Oh right. I guess some people do that, right?" He grinned.

"If nothing else, it's consistent." I tried to smile back, but more and more, I'd been feeling like there was tension between us, and I wondered if there was something he wasn't saying.

"How's the gambling serving you?" I asked in passing.

"Same as it always has. At least it gives me something to do."

I watched him grab several cases of alcohol off the shelf, thinking of how completely unessential it was, but said nothing.

"Hey…" He ventured, as we began to walk again, "This thing you're doing…this hiatus or whatever…you sure it's permanent?"  
>"You've asked me that at least a dozen times, and yes, I am sure."<p>

"'Kay, well, I'm just asking, because _I'm _not sure it should be."

"Why is that?"

"It doesn't feel right, know what I mean?"

"No, I'm afraid I don't—I for one am feeling perfectly fine about it."

"It's just…we were doing pretty good running errands for Sanzo."

"If you're referring to our finances, I assure you, there's nothing we got running errands for Sanzo that we won't get from normal jobs. I use the term 'we' very loosely here since I doubt you have any intentions of ever having a regular job, although I do strongly encourage you to at the very least try it some day."

"Yeah. I guess you're right…"

I waited until I was sure he was done speaking, before stopping.

He breezed by me, as if he didn't even notice, and I had to catch him by the arm, and only when he was looking me in the eyes did I say, "Gojyo, is there some other reason you think it's a bad idea?"

"No. I told you before, I don't really care."

"Yes, but you act as if you care."

"Well, I don't."

"If this worries you, I advise you not to let it bother you, and trust me; this is for the best."

Life became very strange after I spoke those words. Somehow, everything began to feel out of place and odd, and I had this constant, nagging feeling that I was supposed to be somewhere doing something. But I assured myself that just because things felt different didn't mean anything was wrong, and I set to finding a job.

There were plenty of openings throughout the town: clerks, wait staff positions, sales. I could even find a labor job, if I so chose, perhaps building or repairing things. It was very likely that I could get any job I wanted if I tried, but having been to college and achieved a degree, I felt that I shouldn't sell myself short—after all, I had to find something that would make me an amount of money comparable with what Sanzo had paid me—so I politely picked up applications and kept my eyes opened.

By the second week, I noticed something else was odd too: Gojyo seemed to have utterly disappeared. There were signs of him, here and there around the house—trash and cigarette butts mostly—so it wasn't as if he'd gone off and died somewhere, but one morning I awoke to the realization that I hadn't seen him in three days.

Naturally, there was a logical explanation for that. He was always still asleep when I got up in the morning, and he seemed to sleep until I left for the day to go job hunting or grocery shopping or whatever was on that day's agenda; by the time I got home, he had left, and then he was gone all night. I wasn't even awake to hear him return.

On the fourth day, I decided to take a day off from looking for a job and stayed home. There really wasn't any reason for it. I felt like taking a break, was all.

All morning I sat around and filled out applications so I could return them the following day, drank coffee, and listened carefully.

Gojyo was up around two thirty. I heard his door open, and then he came out, pulling his shirt on and mumbling to himself, stopped abruptly when he noticed me. "Oh. Hey, you're home."

"Yes." I smiled. "I…er, thought I'd take the day to unwind."

"Where've you been anyway? Get a job?" He came and sat down next to me, lighting a cigarette, and I noticed how he reeked of booze and cheap perfume.

"Ah. No, not as of yet. I've been looking of course, only nothing has presented itself."

"No? That's weird. Hey, I think the bartender told me he needs somebody. That'd be a cool job for you to have."

"Yes, then I might see you more often."

It was meant to be a joke, but as soon as the words were out, I felt as if they had been the wrong thing to say. Still, I couldn't exactly say why. Gojyo seemed to take it in stride.

"Maybe. Or you know what you could do? You could come play poker with me—you never lose, so we'd make a heap of money."

"It's something to consider if I'm in a bind, I suppose."

"Yeah…but you shouldn't have a problem getting a job, right? I think the inn is hiring, and the corner store too."

Trite, meaningless jobs, all of them. I tried not to feel insulted that he'd even suggest them, "Gojyo, you do realize I have a college degree, don't you?"  
>"What? You do?"<br>"Yes, I was admitted to a prestigious school at the age of fifteen."

"Fifteen, huh?" He stared up at the ceiling, and I couldn't help wondering where he had been when he was fifteen. "I didn't know that."

"Really? I'm fairly certain I mentioned it."

"Oh. Guess I forgot…. Sorry."

"Never mind. It's not as if I expect you to remember these things. At any rate, I do think it means I should be setting my standards just a bit higher."

"Probably. Maybe you could be a teacher again."

"Perhaps." I had thought that before…but in the end the conclusion was always the same. I just wasn't sure I was ready to be a teacher again.

We sat there quietly a while, and then Gojyo got up, "I'm gonna' get going."

"Off to the bar?" I tried not to sound disappointed.

"Hey, one of us has to make money." He grinned, and I got the impression that it was meant to be a joke, but it felt just as wrong as the joke I'd made had.

"I see. Well, if you come home before the sun sets, I'll make dinner for you."

"All right. Sounds good, buddy." He gave my arm a light punch as he walked away.

He didn't come back for dinner, and I went to bed early.

Days continued on that way, and in the meantime, I found myself alone much more often than I was used to. Gojyo slept later and later, likely due to the brutal hangovers he achieved after trashing himself for fifteen hours every day and I only very rarely saw him at all. When some time had passed, I began to feel concerned—I'd never seen him act this way, and I couldn't think of any reason why he should. But it wasn't as if I got the opportunity to confront him about it.

My search for a job continued to go poorly, and by the time the third week rolled around, I still hadn't found anything suiting, and I was completely out of money. What's more, I felt utterly bored and restless. For the past year, I'd been getting more than enough exercise and fresh air, and now it seemed I had to look for excuses to go outside just so I wouldn't suddenly succumb to the urge to shatter a mirror out of pure frustration.

Even more distressing was my unnatural longing for violence. It came upon me out of nowhere, and then, when I finally realized it was there, I had no way to dispel it. Everywhere I went, it seemed those around me were potential enemies. I kept my eyes open for anything that might create a need to fight, and at times, I found myself actually hoping that someone would hassle me just so I would have the pleasure of putting them in their place. I purposely looked for ways to start fights with Gojyo, but that did me little good when I went days at a time not seeing him, so instead I stomped around the house, alone, slamming doors and looking for something to take my aggravation out on.

On one such day, when I had just returned from a futile session of searching for a suitable job, and I was viciously organizing the already spotless living room, desperately searching for a way to start an argument with my room mate when he wasn't even home, Sanzo came calling again.

To his credit, he knocked this time, and when I opened the door with an uncharacteristically rude, "Hello?" He looked somehow shocked.

It occurred to me that I might be making that face, the one Gojyo said scared the shit out of him, so I tried to smile, "Oh, it's you, Sanzo. I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting you."

"Hn. Well you're in a mood. That kappa driving you off the deep end yet?"

"No." I led him into the house, "As a matter of fact, he isn't even here at the moment."

"That's a relief."

"Would you like some tea, Sanzo?" I poured him some without waiting for a response. He didn't have to drink it if he didn't want to, and if he didn't, I could chastise him for being rude.

I was disappointed when he sipped it, but hid it as best I could, "I see Goku's not with you today."

"No, I left him at home."

"Oh my. You know how he hates that."

He looked at me piercingly, "I left him behind because you and I need to have a talk. As a matter of fact, that's why I'm relieved Gojyo's not here either. The last thing I want to hear are that dick's asinine comments."

I laughed, "I feel inclined to agree with you there. Very well then, Sanzo. What would you like to talk about?"

"Hn. As if you didn't know. Obviously, you owe me an explanation."

"No, I don't know that I do."

"You _do._ Now quit playing games and just tell me what the hell you're doing. For almost a year, you two haven't had any problem doing a little business for me, so what made you suddenly change your minds?"  
>"I suppose we simply decided we didn't want to anymore. After all, you didn't think we'd be doing this the rest of our lives, did you?"<p>

He looked around, "So what are you doing instead, Hakkai? Sitting around here playing housewife?"

"That's none of your concern."

"Or are you going to get a local job bagging groceries? I have to say, neither of those things suit you."

"I can't see why not." I replied spitefully, "They suit plenty of other people."

"Yeah, typical, unintelligent peons. I had no idea you gave it all up to squeeze yourself into that category."

I snapped at him, "Did you come here just to insult me in my own home? If so, feel free to show yourself to the door—or, I suppose, _I_ could show you to the door just as easily."

Sanzo was unbothered, took a sip of tea and looked at me calmly, "Was that a threat, Hakkai?"

"Perhaps." In another moment or two, it might become more than a threat. It might be nice to put Sanzo in his place today.

"Well, I didn't come here to insult you. I came to find out just what the hell is going on with you—and I definitely didn't expect to find you so tightly wound. I'd almost feel sorry for that idiot if he came home to you like this."

I had been thinking of ripping his head off if and when he came through that door…but why?

Adjusting my glasses, I sighed, "I apologize, Sanzo. Life's been more than commonly odd lately."

"Because you quit? Or is that _why_ you quit?" He looked around the house suddenly, like he was going to find something freakishly out of place.

"I'm afraid I can't be certain what started it."

"I still think you owe me an explanation for all of this."

"Yes, I think you're right. After all, it wasn't right of us to stop without warning you—I should have said something. It was my decision."

"I thought it might have been, the way Gojyo jumped all over me the other day, like he thought he was sticking up for you or something. Pathetic."

I folded my hands, "I'm truly sorry to have left you high and dry, Sanzo—I know you said that mission was of particular importance—but I'm afraid I could no longer go on this way.

"As I've told you before, I am grateful to you for helping me find my way to this new life, however, I began to feel as if I were wasting that privilege, hypocritically squandering my new-found peace by living this violent lifestyle. However, I don't feel that it's anyone's fault but my own. I know that you don't intend for these so-called 'missions' to be violent and dangerous, they turn out that way unexpectedly.

"You know, for a time." I smiled, "I genuinely enjoyed my work: not the violence so much, but the exercise and the travel and the fresh air, but, I'm afraid that genuinely enjoying such a thing is just the problem."

"No one is making you kill anybody, Hakkai." He said gravely.

"I know. And I also know that the choices I've made were mine alone. It's become painfully clear that I cannot trust myself, and knowing that I made a promise to myself that I would not live life punishing others for my heartache anymore, and I would not hurt people anymore, leaves me feeling…ashamed, I suppose.

"The fact of the matter is, every errand feels just a bit more perilous than the last, and the killing feels more and more necessary. I thought that I might be able to continue onward without fighting, somehow, but I know how impossible that is. Especially when I know he's counting on me to watch his back. If we do have to fight, and I refuse to kill when it's crucial, someone will kill him instead. Or they'll kill me. It's a situation I've decided to avoid all together."

Sanzo had started on a cigarette and was looking at me thoughtfully. "What does he think of all this?"

"Oh, I have no idea what he thinks. He's living life as recklessly as ever—at this rate, I doubt he'll live to see his twenty-third birthday."

"Maybe you need to consider that instead of smoothing it over and assuming he doesn't think _anything_ of it at all."

Startled, I looked up at him. Was Sanzo scolding me for not considering Gojyo's thoughts on the matter?

He seemed to read my expression, "Last I checked, when two people are running a partnership or a firm of some kind, one doesn't just shut it down without discussing it with the other first. Where does that leave him? Where does it leave either of you? Like this?

"Listen carefully. I don't want you to misunderstand what I'm about to say, because I don't _need_ you to do anything for me, and I don't care what becomes of the two of you, but if I don't say it, no one will: you can't live like this, Hakkai. You're a youkai now—things can't be the way they were when you were human—you're stronger, and you have more energy, and you're not going to be happy working some nine to five job and knitting at night. For the last year, you've had a good outlet for any pent-up emotions, but removing that outlet could be a very serious mistake."

Rather coldly, I answered, "I appreciate the concern, Sanzo, but I'm not foolish enough to give in to my own youkai instincts, brutal as they may be."

"It's not just about instinct though, is it, Hakkai? If you sit around and do nothing all day, what's going to stop you from dwelling on the past?"

Our eyes locked, and we sat there a while.

"It hasn't started yet." He said quietly, "But it will. Without some form of distraction, you'll give into it."

"And just what do you think I'll be giving in to?" I asked, somewhat angrily.

"I have no way of knowing. Anger? Depression maybe. Suicide. It all depends."

"Then what do you recommend I do?" I snapped. "I've already told you why I chose to do this. It's not something I am prepared to experiment with."

He ground his cigarette out and immediately began a new one, looked reflectively out the window, "I told you once that it's too late for you to wear white—you and him both—not as an insult, but as a fact, and if you weren't suited to it then, you're all the less suited to it now. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the dilemma you're facing now is your reality. Even if you change your name over and over and over again, it cannot erase what you've done in the past, and that past will continue to affect your present."

"I've come here to start a new life. I-"

"Yes. But no matter what your name is, you are still the same person you've always been, and these struggles will always be your own."

I felt insurmountable despair at those words, and I lowered my eyes. "Then I shall always be a criminal…"

"You shall always be a man who was a criminal at one time. It's your choice where to go from there, but I suggest you at least consider all the consequences before you make a permanent decision."

Not long after that, he got up to leave. "In the future, when you make these kinds of life-changing choices, make sure you're not leaving me up a creek to do it. Also, do yourself a favor and don't rip Gojyo a new asshole when he gets back. For once it's not his fault."

"You're right." I murmured faintly. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, and Hakkai." He paused by the door.  
>I met his gaze.<br>"If you change your mind, let me know."

I couldn't change my mind. And yet, so much of what Sanzo said made sense, the fact that he was making me doubt the choice I'd so firmly decided upon, even just a little, was irritating to me. Even so, much of what he said took hold in my mind, and I decided to discuss the issue once more with Gojyo, in hopes that that might give me a little more clarity on the subject, and so I resolved to wait up for him. In fact, I was determined that I would be awake when he got home, even if I had to wait until five in the morning.

Fortunately, it wasn't quite that long of a wait.

He stumbled in around ten that night, hair hanging in his face, and I could see from the way he was staggering that he'd already had quite a bit to drink; just the same, I greeted him casually and cheerfully even. I realized that I'd been missing him a bit lately, and I was truly glad to see him. "Hello. You're home early."

"Oh. Yeah." He tossed his coat back onto the couch and wandered into the kitchen, began rummaging through the cupboards until he found a bottle of alcohol he'd stashed there.

"How did your poker game go?"

Gojyo took a heavy hit from the bottle. "Lost."

I suppose I'd been expecting it all along; you simply couldn't play high stakes poker every night and not lose at least a little money, no matter how good a gambler you were. "How much did you lose?"

"All of it."

My blood ran a little bit cold at that, "Excuse me?"

"All of it." He sat down heavily at the table, back to me, sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Everything I had."

The anger was starting to set in. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to shake him by the shoulders and demand 'how can you be so careless', but I fought to keep my temper in check.

Before I could so much as take a breath, he said, "Sorry."

"I…just…this is a crucial time for me, financially."

"I know."

His terse answers were starting to bother me. "I've never seen you lose _that_ badly at poker. It doesn't make sense."

Instead of answering, he asked, "What about you? You find a job?"

"No, not yet."

He snorted, "You even looking?"

"Of course I am."

"Not very hard. You're all wrapped up in the fact that you gotta' fuckin' degree."

The resentment I heard in his voice was unbelievable. What in the world was going through his head?

"Gojyo." I rounded the table to sit across from him, lurched to a halt when I saw his face. His right eye was severely swollen and badly bruised, dark around the socket, and the eyeball itself was bloodshot, as if a blood vessel had broken. His lip was fat and bleeding too, and when I glanced at his knuckles, I saw that they too were bruised and broken open. "What in the world happen to you?"

"Got in a fight." He gave me a shaky, almost fake-looking grin, "No big deal."

"With who?"

"Some guys I was playin' cards with. I whooped their asses an' they got pissed. Happens sometimes."

"But I thought you said you lost the money."  
>"I did. They took it."<p>

I stared at him disbelievingly, "Are you telling me you were _robbed_?"

"Guess you could call it that."

Of all the outrageous, unheard of things. I leaned over the table urgently, "How? I've seen you take on fifteen men all by yourself! I've seen you kill people with a mere flick of the wrist! How could you let this happen?"

"I dunno'. It just happened."

Astonishing.

I began to pace back and forth through the kitchen.

He sat and watched me, either waiting for me to scold him, or curious as to what I was going to do when I stopped pacing.

At last, I faced him again, "May I share a concern with you?"

That appeared to throw him off, "Um, yeah. I guess so."

"I am concerned that I've…put you into a somewhat awkward position. Without meaning to, of course."  
>"What're you talking about?"<p>

"It's just…I'm not trying to judge you, but you are spending a lot of time at the bar, and when I see you, if you're not drunk then you're hung over."

"What's that have to do with you?"

"I'm not sure. But honestly, when I chose to stop working, if you will, for Sanzo I failed to consider what you would do and how it would affect you. I didn't even discuss it with you before I made my decision."

Gojyo shrugged and got up, "Yeah, but you didn't have to."

"I should have though—we're partners." I corrected myself a second later, "We were at least."

"We ain't married though. Besides, what difference does it make now? It's not like I expect you to change your mind or anything. I mean, the first time you went back on your promise to live a peaceful life it was to save me, right? I'd have to almost die for you to change your mind now, wouldn't I?"

"I honestly can't say."

"I don't know either, but I'm not gonna' mess with it, so you do what you want, and I'll do what I want."

I didn't know what to say now; it stood to reason that it was too late to be having this conversation anyway, and Gojyo was being stubborn, as best I could tell. In all honesty, I wasn't sure what I thought I could gain from this discussion. Finally, I said, as humbly as possible, "I just wish you wouldn't spend so much time drinking at the bar, is that so much to ask?"

He gave me a crooked, cheeky grin. "Worried about me or somethin'?"

"Not as of yet." I lied. "I would like to know what you intend to do about the money you lost though."

"I'll win it back tomorrow night, just like I always do."

That seemed terribly unlikely. Albeit, I didn't know how much 'all' of his money had been considering the lifestyle he'd been living these last couple of weeks, but I was still skeptical that he could get it all back in one night. "What will you be using as capital?" I asked, just to humor him.

"Prob'ly have to borrow a little money from someone. It's no big deal though—I've done this before."

I nodded, even though I didn't much like the sound of that. "Will you at least consider what I told you?"  
>He took a slug off the bottle, "What's the big deal? I'm only over there all the time because I'm bored."<p>

"I see. I've been somewhat bored myself as of late."

"I'm tellin' you, man, you gotta' start coming with me." It sounded like he was only half kidding, "With the way you play cards, we could run this whole town."

"I'll consider it, as long as you keep in mind what I said."

"Of course I will. It's all I'm gonna' think about as I'm trying to go to sleep."

He vanished into his room, taking the bottle with him.

For the next two days, it rained, and that didn't help. Because I didn't want to face the inclement weather, I decided not to leave the house, not even to look for a job.

What was the point of looking for a job anyway? In this town, there was nothing that was going to satisfy my intellect. I doubted I would enjoy doing any menial labor I came across.

I'm not even sure how I occupied my time over the course of those two rainy days—my room mate was nowhere to be found, of course, and I had nearly given up on him—and so I was bored and restless, and I felt the anger and the bad memories beginning to leak into me.

"What should I do, Kanan?" I murmured, sitting at the table and staring into the candle I'd lit for comfort.

What I wouldn't give to have her there to answer me.

Perhaps there was no answer—Sanzo was right. My life would always be the same jigsaw puzzle made out of the exact same horrible pieces that didn't seem to fit together quite right. If I got a normal job, I'd be restless and unhappy. If I went back to doing jobs for Sanzo, I'd forfeit my last chance at having an even semi-normal life.

"No matter what I do, it's not as if I can get you back somehow."

If I even thought there might be some way to bring her back I'd do it. If it took years, it wouldn't matter. I'd find a way. If only living a peaceful life and being a good person could revive her, the answer would be obvious. The unfortunate reality was that no matter how I lived, Kanan would always be dead.

_I could take it out on this world._ I thought, bunching my fists. _Why be peaceful and kind when I've lost so much already?_

Wasn't that what she would want though? For me to live as normally as possible?

All night the rain drove on, and I tossed and turned in my bed, mulling over questions that had no answers to begin with.

_It hardly matters what I do now—it won't change the past, Kanan. It won't change the fact that I failed you utterly._

If I hadn't been living so peacefully in the first place I might have been better prepared to defend her, but that too held very little relevance now.

_There is nothing I can do._

By the time the rain finally ended, I felt so restless I could hardly stand it, and so I went for a long walk through the woods surrounding our house, but it only served to torture me seeing how all I could think of was the walks I'd taken with Kanan after rainstorms. Hand in hand, laughing at the world around us, we'd been able to ward off the chill and the damp with our love.

_Things will never be that way again._

_What in the world am I living for?_

The thoughts scared me. Knowing the answer already was terrifying, knowing I had nothing to live for filled me with despair, and so I turned back toward home, walking as quickly as I could, as if afraid that my unhappy thoughts might follow me back to my doorstep.

As I entered the dim, warm house, I wondered, _Will tomorrow be exactly like today? Will the rest of my life be this way, for years and years, until I die?_

"Hey, roomie."

I looked up to see Gojyo seated in the kitchen, twisted around in his chair, arm slung across the back of it, to look over his shoulder at me, cigarette blazing in his mouth, a variety of thick, shiny alcohol bottles set out in front of him, along with a couple of shot glasses.

"Oh. I didn't realize you were home…" I mumbled.

"I just got here." He lifted his glass, already full to the brim with dull, amber-colored liquor. "Come have a drink with me."

"_A_ drink?" I asked, eyeing the array on the table.

"Yeah. A drink or two. Or three." He grinned impishly.

I nearly declined. It was only three-thirty in the afternoon, much too early for anyone to start heavy drinking, and there was still quite a bit to do around the house…

Then again, it might be nice to just stop for a moment, set all my worries aside, and have a good, stiff drink with my room mate.

I smiled back, "Oh, very well. Just one drink won't kill me."

"That's the spirit."

I sat down, and he filled my glass with the same golden liquid he was having—whiskey of some sort, from the smell of it—set it in front of me, still smiling.

As soon as I was there, I knew I wasn't getting up for a long, long time. I stared down into my glass of whiskey and couldn't help contemplating all of my problems, my worries, my fears, and my anguish, and I thought, wouldn't it be nice to have more than just a good, stiff drink with my room mate?

_Wouldn't it be wonderful to forget about all of that and get utterly obliterated with my best friend?_

After all, it had been a while since we'd had any sort of decent interaction, and it wasn't as if I had any responsibilities to see to tomorrow morning. My entire life was empty of serious duties, and the things that had to be done around the house could wait.

Gojyo smirked at me and raised his glass, "Here's to having a decent drinking buddy for once."

I laughed, "I'd rather not see the people you normally drink with."

We downed the whiskey in a swift gulp each.

The first drink went down smoothly; it tasted cheap, but I relished the burn it left in my throat.

"Again?"  
>"Yes, thank-you."<p>

He topped both glasses off, and we went again.

For the remainder of the afternoon, we stayed right there, talking and laughing at one another. He got a deck of cards and we played until he got sick of losing, complained a little, and went on drinking until he was too buzzed to care about losing.

When we polished off the whiskey, we got started on the sake, and when the sake was gone, he opened a bottle of baijiu, and we ate some of the detrimental tripe he called food. It wasn't all together bad.

Our conversations ranged across a broad plane—drinking stories, poker stories, women, fights we'd won in the past, memories of the good times we'd shared, we teased each other and made fun of Sanzo, and eventually carried on about nothing—but I felt that we avoided the present situation at all costs.

When we had drank all the baijiu and were working on an imported, light rum, I noticed Gojyo was exhibiting various signs of being at least a little drunk: talking too loudly and laughing at everything I said, spilling a little whenever he poured a drink; I however, felt utterly clear of mind, if not a little giddy. That, I assumed though, was more a byproduct of the cheering circumstance in which I found myself, and likely had little to do with the alcohol itself.

I tried not to let that frustrate me—I knew full-well how outrageously high my tolerance to alcohol was to begin with—and delved in a little deeper, hitting the strongest spirits as hard as I could.

Not one to be outdone, Gojyo matched me drink for drink.

Before long, he was slurring his words and looking pretty far gone, and I felt perfectly sober.

"Geez, man, you can really drink." He watched me take a long swig straight from the bottle.

"Hm. Yes. I've always had a naturally high tolerance to alcohol."

"Man. I thought _I _coul' drink."

"Oh, you shouldn't think less of yourself by any means—most people our age would be passed out in a pool of their own vomit right now. I'm impressed to see you still sitting upright."

He scrutinized my expression a moment, before shaking his head, "You _ever_ been drunk, 'Kai?"

"Um. Perhaps. Once, I believe, when I was very young."

"How young?"

"I hardly remember. It must have been before I went to school though—I hardly had time for such things while I was there."

"Oh yeah." He lifted his glass again, sloshing some rum on himself, "Here's ta' your degree."

"And all the good it's done me…"

We clinked the glasses together, bounced them off the table, and pounded the liquor.

Gojyo fairly dropped his glass back on the table and shoved his fingers through his hair, "Yeah. I ge' that. I started drinkin' really youn' too."

"Mm, I'm not surprised to learn that." I saw the bleariness in his eyes, knew he was getting to be quite drunk now. It frustrated me to no end seeing him lapsing into that blissful stupor, leaving me behind, stranded in the harsh field of reality. It had been so long since I'd been drunk…I wasn't sure I ever _had_ been, but I had definitely never tried this hard to be so before now.

"Som'times, ya' jus' need a drink, y'know. Life…can really suck. _Really_ suck."

Unconsciously, my gaze flicked to the scars under his left eye; I wasn't sure how they'd come to be there exactly—he'd never said—I only knew that it had to do with his mother, I believe, and he kept his hair long so they'd be less noticeable. Many times, I'd witnessed him cocking his head to one side so that a curtain of shimmering crimson could hide that entire half of his face from view. Mostly when he seemed to be feeling insecure.

He did that exactly, even as I was thinking about it.

Our eyes met, and he smiled crookedly.

"Gojyo." I refilled my glass, to save him the effort. "You've been drinking more than usual lately."

"Thin' so? Feels pretty normal t' me."

"Normal? Forgive me for saying so, but from the outside it might look to some as if you're falling apart."

He shrugged, "This's wha' I do when I got nothin' else t' do. What're ya' mad or somethin'? Ya' said ya' di'n't want me at th' bar so much—here I am."

"It's not…_being_ in the bar wasn't what I meant. And I don't feel that it's my business in particular. I just wondered if everything's all right."

"_You're_ askin' _me_ if ev'rythin's alrigh'?"

"Well…yes. The way you've been behaving lately seems…" I didn't want to use the word self-destructive, although, that is what came to mind. "More than usually irresponsible."

Gojyo rolled his eyes, "Leme' tell ya' somethin', Mr. Matur'ty. When me an' Banri lived t'gether, we did this ev'ry day. _Before_ I met Banri, I'd find a pretty lady, get 'er ta' buy me some booze, spend all night hammered, fuck 'er, leave 'er, an' do it t' some other pretty lady th' next night. _You_ came along an' I stopped."

I cocked an eyebrow at him, wondering if I should even bother addressing his belligerent tone, "What does that have to do with me? I certainly don't remember requesting that you change your lifestyle. Furthermore, I'm sitting right across from you—it's not as if I've gone anywhere."

He shrugged again. Then again. Knocked a little more back from the bottle. "Forget it."

For a time after that, he made a bit more small-talk, but it was wholly insincere, and before long, his entire attitude had changed. I could see the irritation in his eyes, and the frown curving on his lips looked positively unnatural on his face.

"Speakin' of which. Ya' gonna' get a job one of these days, or what?"

I wasn't in the mood to hear such things out of him of all people, "Are you concerned that I'll be unable to pull my own weight?"

"Naw. I jus' wonder what you're doin'. You coul' get any job in th's stupid town, an' you're still sittin' 'round here."  
>"I don't see why that should bother you, unless you're concerned that I won't be able to pay my half of the rent."<p>

His eyes seemed to almost glow with anger, and the frown was even more vicious now, "I don' care what ya' do, 'Kai. Jus' wish y'd do _somethin'_. It's depressin', comin' home, knowin' ya' jus' been sittin' here all day, doin' a whole lotta' nothin'."

A little angry myself, I shot back, "Well try to imagine the way _I _feel, knowing _you've_ been out drinking and gambling away what little money we have."

He slammed the bottle down suddenly, "Get over it, will ya'? You're not my mother."

I was beginning to see that this likely wouldn't go the way I had wanted it to—getting drunk with my best friend had seemed a carefree, relaxing thing to do, but I wasn't drunk, and Gojyo was apparently taking his alcohol-inspired frustrations out on me, and it looked as if it might just turn into a confrontation instead.

I studied the bruise around his eye. It had faded a bit, but it still looked violent and ugly, and it made me wonder if he was prone to getting into such confrontations when intoxicated.

At the same time however, it felt…good. It felt almost as if I wanted this. I had felt so anxious and restless and angry for the last few days…perhaps I wanted to fight with Gojyo.

I gave into my own annoyance with sudden abandon, "Believe me, I feel very fortunate not to be your mother. I have no idea how that poor woman ever dealt with such an ungrateful, juvenile-"

Something utterly dangerous entered his eyes after that. They seemed to come to life with fire, his teeth flashed, and for a frightening moment, he seemed almost to be fully youkai. He stood up, throwing his chair back, slammed both fists on the table so hard it shook, and shouted, "Don't you _ever_ talk about my mother, Hakkai! You got that? You can say whatever the fuck you want about _me_, but keep your comments about my mother to yourself!"

"What?" I smiled at him, knowing full well that it would only serve to enrage him. "I never suspected you of being a mama's boy, Gojyo. Perhaps if she'd disciplined you correctly-"

Gojyo sprang onto the table, knocking every bottle of alcohol off it and onto the floor, creating a sea of multi-colored glass on the tiling, and lunged at me. He hit me hard, knocking me back in my chair, and we slammed against the ground, rolled head over heels together, and before I knew what was happening, he'd pinned me to the floor, clenching my wrists so tightly they were aching, face just inches from mine so that curtain of red hair fell around us both. I had never noticed before just how feral and bewitching his eyes were.

He spoke—voice was so angry I hardly recognized it as his—grated out the words from behind clenched teeth, and they were so clotted with emotion, it took me a moment to distinguish them, "You better not say another fuckin' word, Hakkai, or I'll fuck your face up a million times worse than mine is."

I had really upset him, apparently. I lingered in that thought for a split second. I knew nothing about Gojyo's past. I knew nothing about his mother. I knew he'd said he was an orphan and his real parents had killed themselves. As for his stepmother…all I knew was that she was somehow connected to said scars. It crossed my mind that perhaps I had stumbled into something very, very painful for him.

"I'm sorry." I said as calmly as possible. "I have no idea what I'm saying."

"You're right. You don't."

From his expression, I could see that he wanted nothing more than to beat my face in, and I wondered if he might be just drunk enough to do it, but in the end, he stood up, not as gracefully as he would have sober, scraping hair out of his face, still screaming, jabbing a finger at me, the fire in his eyes fiercer than ever, "I. Cannot. Believe you, Hakkai! Jus' get the _fuck_ offa' your high horse, woul'ja'? You're worried about _me_? Leme' tell ya' somethin', _I'm_ not the one who's been driftin' around town, actin' like a complete _emo_ lately! I'm not the one wanderin' around in the rain talkin' to my goddamn self!"

I sat up on my elbows, "What on earth are you talking about? Apart from having nothing to do, I've been perfectly fine."

"Fuck!" He kicked the last chair standing across the room, "Who do you think I am? I've lived with ya' for a whole fucking year! You think I didn't notice somethin' was wrong day-fucking-one? How stupid do you really think I am?"

"I don't think you're stupid." I got to my feet, watching him warily.

"Bullshit!"

"Gojyo-"

"We came back from burying all those fucks, an' you were already actin' weird. But hell, I didn't think you were gonna' just _quit_ on me! I tried to tell ya' it was a bad idea, but you di'n't wanna' listen to me—no, not to _Gojyo_, the _idiot_!"

"I distinctly recall asking you on several different occasions what you thought, and you always gave me the same apathetic, selfish attitude!"

"Selfish an' apathetic, huh? Am I selfish an' apathetic for worryin' about you for the last month?"

It was enough to silence me for a moment. I hadn't thought he might be worried. I hadn't thought there was anything to worry about…

"C'mon, Hakkai…" his voice lowered back to normal, and then even further, until it was just above a whisper, "What'd I gotta' do ta' get ya' t' stop this? Beg?"

Coldly, I answered, "This is not really about you."

"Yeah, alrigh'. But you're crazy if ya' think it doesn't _affect_ me."

"You're the one choosing to run amuck and drink yourself to death before your next birthday. It's entirely up to you whether or not you allow my decision to affect your choices."

He snarled, "Do you actually think I'm doin' this 'cause I'm upset or somethin'? I tole' ya' already—this is what I do. You quit doin' Sanzo's dirty work, an' I had to too, but at least I had a life ta' go back to, even if it's not a great life. At least I'm not sittin' around here, mopin' an' dwellin' on shit that makes me wanna' shoot myself, wishin' for all the things I can't get back."

I was surprised to learn just how in tune he was with my emotions, and yet, I was too outraged now to simply back off. "I don't expect you to understand."  
>"No. You never expect anything from me. Well you're the fuckin' idiot this time, not me. You're gonna' kill yourself sittin' on your ass an' cryin' over Kanan. 'S that what you want?"<p>

"Shut up!" I shouted, almost without meaning to. "You have no right to say her name! Ever!"

"She's _gone_, Hakkai! I'm not gonna' desecrate her fuckin' memory just sayin' her name! An' you goin' to hell isn't gonna' bring _Kanan_ back!"

"I said shut up!" I couldn't help it anymore. All of the anger and frustration, grief, isolation, regret and pain I'd been feeling suddenly surged to the surface, and I couldn't control it. The violence I'd been toying with, the grinning devil hiding inside me, my youkai mind, took over, and I attacked.

I swung a fist at him; it connected curtly with his jaw.

Gojyo staggered back into the table.

There was a brief second when he looked a little shocked, and I thought he might back off.

When that second was over, he came at me, all fists and flaming red.

He smashed the side of my face, and I stumbled, pain lancing up into my skull.

His other fist busted my lips open. I tasted blood.

It was my turn to be shocked.

Steadying myself against the wall, I wiped threads of crimson from my chin.

His jaw was already beginning to bruise.

I stared at him, and he glared back at me, defiantly, I thought.

After that, I have no idea who threw the first blow or who ran screaming at who, I only know that we were suddenly engaged in an outright fist fight, right in our very kitchen.

It was unlike any fight I'd ever been in before. I was accustomed to fighting trained warriors—like the youkai I'd killed in Hyakuganmaoh's castle—any gang members or thieves or other typical riff raff I'd fought had died easily, without causing me to so much as break a sweat.

As I'd noted before, Gojyo was nothing but street smarts when it came to how he thought and how he spoke, and as it turned out, how he fought as well. I suppose I'd never noticed that, I'd only seen that he was stronger than most people.

I certainly wasn't expecting him to give me a run for my money, especially not drunk as he was.

For one thing, he didn't keep on the defense like most people did—he came at me, clearly unafraid to get hit, even if it was as hard as possible. He kept his fists close to his face when he wasn't attacking. He moved fluidly and quickly, usually out of reaction. His blows were strong and painful.

I'm not sure how long we fought—it might have been a full hour, or possibly just a couple of minutes—everything around me was a barrage of scattered images. I saw his flashing eyes and tendrils of his hair flying when I struck him in the face. I knocked him down on the coffee table, smashing it to pieces. Lamps shattered in explosions of pale glass. Furniture was shoved and knocked over, picked up and thrown. He overturned the kitchen table in an attempt to make me lose my footing. I slammed him hard against the counter. Dishes clattered all over the floor, joining the mess of glass and alcohol. He shoved me away. I clawed at the air and caught a handful of his hair, jerked it and swung him around into the refrigerator. He recovered quickly, feinted left, kicked me full in the stomach, effectively knocking the wind out of me, and I tumbled backward into the sink, breaking more dishes and disrupting a wave of empty cans.

"Don't fuckin' touch my hair." He snapped.

"It's a fight."

"A fight I'm gonna' win."

"I seriously doubt that."

I sprang at him, kicking him in the head, watched him fall hard and spring back up like it was nothing.

His tenacity always did impress me.

The fight wore on, and I felt tired and battered before too long, but I also felt good. It was relieving to be able to slam my fist as hard as possible into him. It was even relieving to have him hit back. I felt more alive than I had for days and days, and that felt better than anything else.

Just as I don't know how the fight began exactly, I didn't necessarily discern what ended it, precisely. I knew that I was naturally stronger than he was, and that he was drunk while I was sober, but it wasn't as if I beat him senseless and stood over him gloating. Rather, we both wound up on the floor in the living room, lying shoulder to shoulder, breathing heavily, bruised, bleeding and tired. A long time passed before either of us so much as spoke a word.

"You know, when you said 'this is for the best', you didn't mean for everyone. It's just the best for you." He said when his breathing had slowed, and it seemed that the fight had sobered him some. "And you weren't even right about _that_."

"What in the world is that supposed to mean?"

"You thought if you quit working for Sanzo everything would go back to the way it was."

"Not necessarily."

"Yeah, necessarily. You don't have anything to go back to."

"I'm aware of that. But I don't want to spend my life taking the lives of others. Why is that such a bad thing? And in any case, I thought you hated running errands for Sanzo."

"I used to. I don't anymore."

Startled, I turned my head to look at him. A long stream of blood was running from his hair line to the corner of his mouth, "No? Did you two rectify your differences without anyone noticing?"  
>"Ha. Hell no."<p>

"Then I don't see-"

He met my gaze sharply, "I don't hate it anymore because I was having fun. With you."

It shut me up efficiently, as it was meant to.

"It was nice, you know, having something to do. A goal I guess. It was nice to achieve something that wasn't totally selfish for once. And anyway, it was cool…hanging out like that."

I heard what he wasn't saying. I wasn't sure how I'd missed it before, because I suddenly felt that he'd been saying it all along, in a subtly yearning, aching manner.

"...It doesn't feel right…we were doing pretty good running errands for Sanzo…"

_It was cool, hanging out like that._

It was cool getting to know each other. Cool having a comrade for once—knowing you could rely on that person regardless of anything else—fighting side by side with him, going home when it was all over and sharing something only we two had seen, being angry with one another and laughing later when it didn't matter anymore.

This was something I'd never had before, and doing jobs for Sanzo was what held it all together in the first place.

I suppose I'd taken that from him without even considering it. I had certainly taken it from myself, not realizing what I was losing exactly to begin with.

His voice nudged me back toward reality, "Didn't you have fun, Hakkai? Not killing people and fighting, just all the stuff in between."

Like the day-long walks, the lectures I'd given, how startled I always felt to discover he didn't know something I'd always assumed was common knowledge, fighting, sorting it out, fighting again, the look on his face when I poked fun at him, the look on his face when he made me genuinely laugh, or vice versa, the way he somehow managed to always cheer me up, even when I didn't expect him to.

"There was a lot in between." I said quietly.

"Good. Because I was starting to think I made all that stupid shit up."

"No. You're right. I suppose what I gave up was a bit more than a job."

He stared up at the ceiling again.

I studied the scars on his cheek.

"Why didn't you tell me that before?"

Gojyo didn't answer. It looked like he was ignoring me—he always got that certain, stubbornly passive expression when he purposely ignored me,

"Gojyo." I clenched his wrist, knowing nothing got his absolute attention like being touched. "You could have just told me all that in the first place."

He met my eyes again, a little slower, "I didn't know if it would have done any good, but I thought, on the off chance that you did decide to change your mind, even if it was just for my sake…I didn't want you to be miserable for it."

"Miserable? I-"

"If you really don't wanna' live that way, killin' and hurting people and fighting, you shouldn't have to. I mean, I know you're trying to start over or whatever, so you can move on. I figured if that's what you want, who am I to stop you?" He smirked, almost as an afterthought.

_How simple_. I thought.

Then I corrected myself.

_How Gojyo._

I smiled back. "I see."

"You know though, I just can't figure out what else you're going to do."

There was something in that as well. This was a dangerous life I had to lead now; as Sanzo had said, it wasn't possible to go back to the days I'd lived with Kanan and worked as a school teacher. It was equally impossible to rediscover the peace I'd known then. Even if I spent years running from my past and from violence and the blood on my hands, it would always find me, and I would always be put into a position where killing and fighting became necessity.

Almost as if he read my mind, Gojyo added, "You know, just because we're doing Sanzo's dirty work doesn't mean we're doing something bad."

In a way, we were aiding a good cause…. Even if I was fighting and even killing occasionally, at least it wasn't for the sake of revenge and anger. I had still come a long ways out of the darkness that had consumed my life.

"Don't let me change your mind though." He produced a cigarette and lit it. "I guess it's not my business what you do."

"You're right though, I think. I was just looking for something that doesn't exist anymore, I suppose. And I must admit, I think I was more miserable than I've been all year in these last three weeks."

"You looked pretty friggin' miserable."

"Did I really?"  
>"I thought you were gonna' have some kinda' break down. Can't believe you thought <em>I <em>was the one goin' all to hell."

I laughed at that, and then I laid still and thought about it a little more.

_To hell with it…it's as Sanzo said._

I really didn't have much of a better choice.

"Well, in that case, perhaps we should pay a visit to Sanzo, if it's not too late."

"Meh. Sanzo. Definitely didn't miss _him_."

"Before we go…" I asked when we'd laid there a while longer, "May I ask you something? It's rather personal."

"Yeah. What?"

"Maybe I should have asked this earlier…I just never felt it was my business to know."

"Just ask the freakin' question, Hakkai."

"How did you get those scars?"

His face froze a moment, and then he looked away, "Had ta' ask me _that_ didn't you?"

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Gojyo sat up with a vague moan, and then said all too casually, "My mother. She tried to kill me."

Could I have heard that wrong?

"I beg your pardon?"

"She wasn't my real mother—my step mom. She just got sick of me bein' immature and ungrateful, I guess." He grinned, so I knew he was joking, but it looked horrifically fake. I'd never seen such a fake smile.

"I-I'm sorry…I-"

"You didn't know." He got to his feet smoothly, held out his hand, "Let's go see Sanzo."

He pulled me up, almost before I realized what was happening, and I gave him a long look. "Obviously I never would have said what I said if I'd known-"

"Forget about it. It's no big deal."

I wondered how he could say that. How could it possibly not be a big deal that his mother had tried to kill him, step mom or not?

Gojyo looked back at me a second, face somewhat impassive—the same look he got when he played poker—and then he lit a cigarette, "It's over, all right. She's dead. So who gives a fuck?"

I let it go, but not because I believed his careless attitude, but because, like so many things in my life, there was nothing I could do to change it. Instead, I glanced around.

"Wanna' go now?"

"Not quite yet. There is something we'll have to do first."

"Oh man." He groaned, "Don't say it."

I smiled reassuringly, "Come now, it shouldn't take very long to clean all this up."

He stared around at the mess, incredulously, "Son of a bitch…. I'll go get the broom."

While he went back into the kitchen, I stood where I was, ignoring the broken glass and damaged furniture and the unsettling quiet of the house, and I looked down at my hands.

Today they were clean, but tomorrow, who could say?

_And as with so many things, there is nothing I can do, except keep living._

The thought brought a contrite smile to my lips.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes: This one is a little more complicated, so it's just a tiny bit longer…. Actually, they seem to get longer and longer as I go.  
>Also, I try to do as much research as I can so everything will be as accurate as possible, whether it concerns the Saiyuki storyline or, in this case, Japanese currency, but a lot of this is guesswork, plus me making shit up. Guess that's what makes it a fanfic. :P<strong>

**Enjoy~**

Mission Six

Poker Face

It was a bright, pleasant afternoon—not too warm and not too cool—perfect weather for walking, and we had quite a walk ahead of us, considering the errand Sanzo had sent us on now. The town was particularly alive, with people bustling along the street, buying and selling and browsing, chatting and laughing and shouting. Every here and again, someone we knew would run up and greet us warmly; more often than not, they were friends of Gojyo's—drinking buddies and poker rivals and women he flirted with—after living in this town for a year and a half, I still hadn't left much of a mark on the populace. Mostly, I was known as 'Gojyo's friend' or 'Gojyo's room mate' or 'Gojyo's boy'. It suited me fine; after all, he was the socialite, not me.

Still…today, the socialite wasn't quite as friendly and charming as he normally acted. For the most part, when anyone he knew approached, he gave them a half-annoyed look, said a brusque 'hey', and scanned the crowd like someone was sneaking up on him.

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He'd said very little since we left, and it was beginning to concern me, ever so slightly. He was staring straight ahead as we walked, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, expression sulky, I thought. Normally, he was so energetic and talkative, seeing him this way made me uneasy.

Clearly, the only thing to do was to confront it. "You're unusually quiet today."

"Am I?" He turned as if to look at me, but his eyes never quite focused on my face. Instead, he looked through the crowd again, even more carefully than before.

"Yes. Do you feel ill?"

"Dunno'." He shrugged, but I had no idea how anyone could possibly not know if they were feeling ill or not.

One word answers were terribly uncharacteristic of Gojyo, I was beginning to think something was really wrong. When we left the house, I'd noticed he was acting strange, and now I was straining to tell myself that there was no need for concern. Even he had bad days. However, it was difficult not to feel some anxiety on his behalf. After all, living with him for a year and a half, well, naturally certain sentiments had developed in my heart.

Brushing it off, telling myself he was fine, and going on my way, wasn't an option.

"I'm not so sure _I'm_ feeling well myself; perhaps lunch is to blame—your ramen was very…unusual."

At last, his eyes flickered up to meet mine, and I smiled inoffensively.

An unenthusiastic smile came across his lips, "I can't figure out why you didn't like it."

Even his voice was unnaturally flat and sullen. Maybe the mission was bothering him, though I'd never seen Gojyo nervous about any of our missions in the past. Besides, I'd made sure to ask him if he felt up to it today, and he'd insisted that he was. What more could I do?

Gojyo added unexpectedly, "That was the best batch of ramen I've ever made."

"Ah, then you'll have to excuse me. I'm sure a delicacy such as 'Gojyo's best ramen' is something of an acquired taste.

"Hell, don't like it? Hire a cook."

"I'm not sure I could do that, in good conscience. The poor woman would be harassed from dawn to dusk; undoubtedly, she'd tire of it and look to blame me."

"Right. I'm sure she'd never blame _me._"

"Well, of course not." I laughed, as if the very idea were too absurd to consider, "Anyone who makes ramen the way you do couldn't possibly be held responsible for his own actions."

"Oo, hitting below the belt today, Hakkai?" He winced.

"I'm only teling the truth; perhaps I should look into hiring a babysitter while I'm at it."

"As long as neither of them are dudes, I don't give a shit. Hell, rent a nurse too, if you want."

It was a good sign that he was at least talking to me, and now it sounded as if he was glad to have something else to think about, aside from whatever else was troubling him, so I went on.

"I'm afraid you might go into shock were you to receive that much attention from the opposite sex."

"Baby, you've never seen Gojyo in action."

"Ugh. No. Thank goodness."

"Alright, alright, smartass." He bumped me with his shoulder, driving me closer to the edge of the street. "So ramen ain't your thing. No big deal."

""I like ramen just fine." I mocked surprise, "I've just never seen it mutilated, er, prepared, that way before."

"Oh, what're you bitching about? Banri always ate my ramen without complaining."

"Yes, well. Banri had…" I cleared my throat, "peculiar tastes, as best I can tell. It could very well be that that he actually _enjoyed_ that bizarre concoction."

"So you do all the cooking from now on, if you think you can do so much better."

"After all, there's no point in breaking off tradition, is there? Besides, it accommodates us both—you won't starve, and I won't choke to death on a chicken bone."

"Yeah, and as long as you're in the kitchen, maybe you could take a look at those dishes in the sink. I couldn't figure out what the fuck to do with them."

"Oh, Gojyo." I shook my head disapprovingly, "What did you do with yourself before we met?"

Gojyo took another long, serious look at the people around us, biting down on his cigarette, before finally responding. "Eh. You _really _wanna' know?"

"No thank-you." My stomach already feels a bit queasy."

"Good. I don't wanna' hafta' start locking my door at night."

I laughed a moment, "Oh, locking the door wouldn't be enough."

There was a long pause.

"Dude."

"I beg your pardon. Was that too much?." I gave him a casual smile.

"You…are so friggin' creepy."

"Strange. Everyone else insists I'm rather dashing."

Gojyo raised his eyebrows at me, "_Dashing_?"

"Mmhm. Something like a knight in shining armor."

"Who happens to have this funny, little habit of breaking into his friends' rooms while they sleep."

"It was only once. And I didn't have to _break_ in."

"Dude! Would you quit that?"

"What's the matter? I would think you'd take comfort in knowing your room mate is so vigilant."

"Okay. This conversation is officially over."

Tragically, I sighed, "I'm so underappreciated. All the things I do for you—sometimes without you even being aware of it—and all I receive in thanks is rejection."

"Yeah, yeah, you're a regular beaten housewife, Hakkai."

Lately, I'd been thinking a lot about our living arrangement, casually wondering if I should consider getting my own place. We hadn't made any finite plans concerning how long I would be staying with him, but I didn't recall that it was ever supposed to be a permanent arrangement.

"A housewife, perhaps, but not a beaten one. I don't see that I'd function well in that role."

"Yeah?" Gojyo placed a new cigarette in his mouth and gave me an almost nervous look, "Why's that?"

I smiled at him, brightly, "For one thing, I'd break your arm if you ever struck me."

The smile must have disturbed him—as it was meant to—and he seemed to edge away,. "Right. Well, there you go."

"Honestly though, I suggest you lower your expectations; not many people are going to take much interest in a boy who can't make a proper pot of ramen."

"Huh. I didn't know ramen was such a turn-on."

"Or in this case, a turn-_off_."

"Nobody has to know my ramen sucks, right?" He said, after he'd spent a good minute or so glancing around at the villagers we were passing.

I looked around too, at the familiar streets, letting the sense of belonging swell through me. This town was my home now, and I wouldn't want to leave it, naturally.

"Of course not. It can be your deep, dark secret: Sha Gojyo, playboy extraordinaire, is terrible at making ramen. I promise never to tell a soul." I bowed at the neck for emphasis.

"Pfft. What a good friend."

"Unless said soul is in danger of ingesting ramen made by you, in which case, I'd be obligated to say something—to save their life of course."

"Or if you could turn a profit from it, right?"

"'If' being the crucial word in that statement. I can't imagine such information being profitable in any way."

Gojyo laughed, "Man, what's up with you today? Somebody slip something in your tea this morning?"

"Come now, my behavior is hardly unusual. You're the one who's not himself this afternoon."

Gojyo was still smiling, but ruefully, and he leaned on me suddenly, elbow resting across my shoulder, "Yeah. You're right."

"As usual."

"As usual." He snorted, "Damn, what would you do if you didn't have something to worry about?"

"Read."

"Bleh. No wonder you worry about everything."

"Having never touched reading material that wasn't pornographic in some manner, I don't expect you to understand, but reading can do many beneficial things for one's character."

"If by that you mean, 'makes you talk like a weirdo and act like there's a brick up your ass', I think I'll stick with the porn."

"No, no. You're confused—that's what happens when you gain the title of 'sanzo'."

He laughed again, harder this time, and I was glad to hear it. At least his mood seemed to be lightening. "My bad, my bad."

"Honestly, you can be so inconsiderate." I joked. "Suppose I wasn't around to do all the monotonously important, little details you so casually neglect?"

"I'd go back to throwing wild parties every night, I guess. And, I wouldn't have to listen to your bitching about my ramen."

"Yes… I suppose you'd be all right without me."

"I dunno'. I completely forgot how to take my own dishes to the sink."

This time, I let some gravity slip into my voice, unintentionally, "You'll remember in time."

Gojyo gave me an odd look. "You make it sound like it's happening tomorrow, Hakkai."

"Well, you never know." I chuckled, "I could die tonight."

The displeasure that caused him was transparent when he frowned all the more deeply and took a long, hard look over his shoulder, went back to walking and smoking in complete silence.

When we'd walked a few more minutes, rounding the corner and heading toward the outskirts of town, where the buildings were shabby and there was only a handful of hard-eyed, suspicious-looking degenerates. I asked, "Honestly though, what's on your mind today?"

Gojyo grinned at me, and it looked real enough, "I'm still thinking about the hot nurse you said you'd hire."

I smiled back. It was a brave effort, but for me, the jokes had come to an end, and I faced him seriously, "If something is wrong, you can tell me, you know."

My room mate blinked at that, and the smirk faded, though it didn't fully vanish, "I know. It's nothin', man. Don't worry about it."

It was a typical response, but none-the-less, I watched him out of the corner of my eye, trying to comprehend what could possibly be the problem; nothing occurred to me other than perhaps he'd gotten into some sort of trouble last night. That would explain why he'd come home early from the bar. Well, earlier than usual.

It might also explain why he kept scanning the area for danger.

"You keep acting as if you're looking for someone you know."

"Nah. Like I said, don't worry about it." The grin lit back up, "Hey, for once, you don't have to worry, so pick yourself out a thick, boring, non-pornographic book."

Considering his behavior, I turned to face forward again, and I could tell he was really hoping I would let it go. Instead, I said, you know, contrary to popular belief, I do not worry about everything. Only the things that I find…important."

Gojyo was silent for so long, I thought he'd never answer, and then, he looked away, practically mumbling, "I know."

"In that case, don't you suppose you could give me some justification for your behavior?"

"Sorry, man, it's just that I…"

I watched him intently. It seemed he'd finally made up his mind to be honest with me, and I might actually receive an explanation of some sort.

"Just that I…"

He stopped and looked up, suddenly, body going tense at once. I followed his gaze and saw that a group of men was approaching us.

They seemed to come out of nowhere, sauntering in from all four directions, moving heedlessly, but with greedy, watchful eyes. There were approximately fifteen of them, and they all looked rather thuggish, with long, black coats, sparkling, silver jewelry, and high, polished, leather boots. They were all youkai, though, some of them were wearing a limiter, and some were not. That didn't seem terribly important though, seeing how they were all carrying weaponry of some sort—clubs and knives, mostly—and I assumed we were about to be mugged.

There was one man among them who certainly stood out; He was a full head taller than almost all the others and he wasn't bothering to wear a limiter, clad all in black with vicious-looking finger armor covering his first two knuckles and extending past his youkai claws. His jet-black hair was longer than Gojyo's, and razor straight, his flesh unusually pale, eyes a murky violet, an almost star-shaped mark was upon his forehead, and he grinned in a way that made me feel as if he'd made some obscene deal with the devil himself. He was several steps ahead of the others, apparently leading the advance.

Gojyo froze where he was and watched them approach, every muscle in his body appearing to tremble, as if he were preparing to run.

"Well, well, looks like I finally caught up to you, eh, kiddo?" The tall man snickered. He had a deep voice like black, rippling water, calm and violent at the same time.

Gojyo knocked the ashes off his cigarette and grinned insolently, but I could still see the anxiousness glazing his eyes over. "Ikku. Long time no see, man. How's the crypt treating you?"

The man's smile expanded; I could all but hear him grinding his jaw, tooth against razor-sharp tooth. Something about him…

"You know, I don't think this is the right time to be telling your stupid jokes, little boy."

"C'mon, Iky, if you can't laugh at yourself…"

"…Who _can_ you laugh at?" I finished uneasily.

Gojyo rested his arm on my shoulder, and as commonplace as it was, today it felt as if it had another purpose.

"That's very clever, Gojyo." Ikku laughed, which was a horrible sound. Like someone had dumped broken glass down a garbage disposal. "Too bad I'm not here for your comedy routine."

By this time, the rest of the group had us encircled, all of them eyeing us with that same greedy, hungry look. I kept my eyes open for movement and prepared to fight.

"Ikku." Gojyo shook his head, "You were always too serious."

"Maybe so, but I warned you that your smart ass mouth would get you in trouble some day—you should have taken _that_ more seriously." He took an aggressive step toward us, and I felt Gojyo jump. Fortunately, he managed to hide it, otherwise, I got the impression that they would have pounced on him.

I tensed up myself. I had no idea what was happening here, but the tension in the air was thick enough to slice through.

"Now listen carefully, you little shit." He snarled, towering over us, "It's taken me almost five years to hunt your ass down, and I'm not in the mood to play your games. You know what I want, and if I don't get it…" Somehow his smile became twice as cruel, "I think you're familiar with the consequences."

Gojyo shuddered, but scoffed, "Go fuck yourself, Ikku. You don't scare me, and you never have."

Ikku laughed loudly, "That's because you're stupid, kid." Without warning, the laughter stopped and became a demonic, deranged sort of growl instead, and he grabbed a handful of Gojyo's hair, giving it a violent yank. "You have no idea what sort of fire you are playing with."

I had seen enough. Surrounding the two of us for no apparent reason was rude enough, but I was not going to stand by and watch him shove Gojyo around without at least saying something. "Forgive my interruption, but I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit neglected and, admittedly, confused. Perhaps you wouldn't mind explaining to me who in the world you are and what it is you want."

Ikku turned his cold, hazy eyes on me and blinked the slow blink of a tiger. "Don't tell me you actually found your brother, kiddo. He doesn't look much like you."

_Brother?_

"He's not my brother." Gojyo said at once, speaking through his teeth. "He's nobody. I barely know him."

"Is that so? Nobody, eh? Well in that case, he better keep his mouth shut and mind his own business." Ikku kicked a cloud of dirt over my shoes, and then let go of Gojyo's hair and shoved him back into me. "Why don't you answer me a question, Gojyo? Just a small one. I just want to know if you intend to cooperate or not." He prowled closer.

I noticed the other youkai pressing in around us as well, eyes sparkling with blunt anticipation.

"If you cooperate, I think this will go much easier for you and Mr. Nobody. If not, then you better kiss Mr. Nobody goodbye, because no one in this backwater, shit town's ever gonna' see your scrawny ass again."

My heart clenched up. That sounded like a fairly serious threat, but when I looked at Gojyo, he was glaring at Ikku defiantly.

"You can eat my ass, Ikku."

Ikku grinned again, "I was hoping you'd say that. Alright, boys. You know what happens next."  
>For a moment, I thought he was talking to us, and a split second later, I realized he was giving his men an order;<p>

They all came at us in a wave of black, coats flying back eyes lit with murderous thoughts, cackling and mocking, weapons drawn. One made a grab for Gojyo.

He waited until the last possible second to jump up and kick the man in the teeth, knocking him back into the wall of his friends, so there line was broken up for just a moment, "Hakkai, run!"

"Run? You can't actually mean-"

"Dammit, I said let's go!" He caught my sleeve and dragged me forward, toward the rapidly closing gap.

Youkai surged in at us from both sides. I grabbed one and threw him over my knee, swung the second one around by his shirt front, smashing him into more of his oncoming comrades, causing them to tumble to the ground.

Even Ikku made an attempt. He actually managed to get Gojyo's arm, jerking him to a hard stop, eyes like two polished stones as he hissed, "You can run, but you can't hide, eh, kiddo? Go ahead, skip town again if you want to—when I catch up, I'll make you wish you'd never been born. I swear it."

Gojyo resembled a bird staring into a cobra's eyes—utterly paralyzed—and just when I was sure he was going to simply collapse from the fear, he suddenly hauled off and hit Ikku square in the face. Blood sprayed everywhere.

Howling and clutching his nose, Ikku staggered back, cursing vehemently, "You filthy, little slut! You'll pay for that, dearly!"

"Let's go!" Gojyo took off running again, and for the first time, I noticed the long, shimmering knife in his hand, and I knew he'd done a lot more than just hit Ikku. He cut down a few more of them on our way out, and then he was sprinting down the road—I'd never seen him run so fast—he cut through a back alley, swung himself over a fence, and ran straight into a crowd of people, weaving through them expertly.

I was right behind him, checking over my shoulder again and again, wondering, _why in the world are we running?_

I also considered the errand we were supposed to be doing for Sanzo, how we were suddenly going as fast as possible in the absolute wrong direction. It was negligent, and the errand was so simple, it would be absurd to not complete it today, but I didn't dare lose track of Gojyo. Not until I knew exactly what was going on.

We ran a while longer, into the so-called 'bad part of town', and eventually I didn't see any black-clad youkai coming after us. Of course, I wasn't naïve enough to hope that meant they weren't still chasing us.

Gojyo stopped suddenly, boots sliding on the loose gravel, and I slammed into him as I too tried to stop.

"In here." He ducked inside a dilapidated, little bar with boarded up windows and a flickering open sign.

The interior was just as seedy as the exterior; the place was nearly empty, with just a few hookers and drunks lingering around playing pool, it was dimly lit, and it smelled rank. Gojyo walked past the bar quickly, "What's up, Tombo? Don't mind me, I just gotta' use your toilet."

The man behind the bar was gruff looking, with one blind eye and a few scars, "Yo, how 'bout buyin' a drink for once, Gojyo?"

"Yeah, maybe some other time. I'm in a hurry." Gojyo turned a corner where the restrooms were located.

He shoved at the door to the men's room. Thank God it was unoccupied.

"Gojyo-"

"Dammit, Hakkai, this's no time to be a fuckin' prude; get your ass in here." He sounded relatively calm under the circumstances, but there was a frantic pitch to his voice, and I could feel the panic in his touch when he dragged me in after him.

The restroom was disgusting. If I had to guess, I'd say it hadn't been cleaned in a month. Possibly two. I tried not to look around too much, watched Gojyo clamber up on the slimy, yellow sink and start forcing the window open.

"Gojyo, what in the world is going on? What do those men want with-"

"Can't explain now. Later."

"I think you should exercise your powers of multi-tasking and at least attempt to tell me-"

"Later, Hakkai. Later. Okay? Let's just get out of here first, okay? Please?"

That time, the panic was all too clear. It was as if I'd had mud slung across my glasses and then someone had scraped the grime off of them and I could see all too clearly. He was on the verge of absolute hysteria now. His hands were shaking and he was gritting his teeth, making a face I'd only seen two or three times in the last year and a half.

"You're not actually afraid of that man, are you?"

"Goddammit, I said can't we talk about this later?" He slammed the window open, and without so much as looking at me, shoved his head and shoulders through, disappearing to the other side.

With a sigh, I followed.

We took all the back routes home, alternating between sneaking and flat-out running, weaving through various alleys and running through back yards until I thought we might be arrested for trespassing. It took me some time to figure out where he was headed, but by the time we'd reached the road that would take us back home, I had nearly forgotten the errand, consumed by the fear and determination radiating from my room mate.

"Why are we going back to the house? If they're following us-"

"I just gotta' go home, 'kay, 'Kai? If you don't wanna' come don't come."

When he put it that way, I knew I had no choice but to be quiet, swallow the annoyance of being interrupted over and over again, and follow him.

We made it to the house in one piece, and he locked the door behind us, made sure all the blinds were drawn, and slumped down at the kitchen table, shoving his hair back from his face and resting his forehead on the heel of his palm. "God damn."

I watched him a moment, noticing the tenseness in his shoulders and the rigid way he breathed. I'd never seen him this way. It might have been fascinating if it wasn't so disturbing.

"Gojyo." I said quietly, strolling over to stand behind his chair, "Now that we're home, would you mind explaining all of this to me?"

"Not right now."

"Yes now. Please. We had to abandon the mission and come all the way back here, crawl through bathroom windows and sneak through the very bowels of that town, and I demand to know why. At once."

He glared up at me, "Do you have to nag me about everything?"

I held his gaze until he looked away, "I don't believe I've ever seen you so afraid, and quite frankly, I can't make sense of it. That man was sinister, if nothing else, but he didn't necessarily strike fear into my heart. For the life of me, I can't understand why you ran from him when I assume you could kill him if you wanted to."

"If I wanted to. That's the problem."

"Well, even if you'd rather not kill him, you could at least send him on his way, I think."

"You don't get it."  
>"So explain it to me. That's all I'm asking."<p>

He still didn't say anything, and he bit the tip of his thumb anxiously, an unusual gesture in itself.

I was beginning to feel impatient. "I suggest you tell me what's happening now. I'd rather not leave you here alone, distraught as you are, but I do have an obligation to fulfill, and unless you start explaining this extremely bizarre situation, I will have no choice but to go on with the mission alone."

With another sigh, he let his head sink back into his hands. "All right. Fine. Have it your way."

"First of all, who in the world is that man? What does he want from you?

"Ikku is…I dunno' how to describe it. Sort of a mob boss, I guess. I met him when I was about sixteen, back when I was living on the streets. At first, it was nothing, but then he started having me do some work for him—like running errands, like we do for Sanzo—or delivering messages. Whatever he needed. I did whatever it he wanted me to, because I was already in a lot of trouble."

"You must have been, living on the streets at sixteen and messing around with a mob boss." I suppose my voice sounded a bit callous, but in actuality, I was intrigued. It was the clearest picture I'd ever gotten of his teenage years. I assumed this happened around the time I was in college.

_It just goes to show how different we really are._

"Ikku agreed to help me out, so we made a deal. I knew it was a risk, but I had to take it, because I figured he was the best chance I had. He's got his hand in a lot of stuff, like politics and prostitution—mostly prostitution—so he's one rich sonnova bitch."

"My God. You're not going to tell me you were a prostitute once, are you?"

He growled. "Not for that asshole."

"Are you implying that-"

"Hakkai." He glared at me suddenly, "That doesn't matter right now. And for the record, if you can get a chick to sleep with you _and_ pay for it, before you even turn eighteen, you've got a lot of skill."

That sounded like a typical Gojyo delusion to me. I decided to drop it, because honestly, I'd rather not know, and if I were him, I wouldn't want to discuss it. "If you knew this man when you were sixteen, what in the world is he doing here now? What does he want?"

Gojyo got up suddenly, pacing back and forth a few times before continuing. "Hakkai…it's complicated, okay?"

"I don't care if it's _impossible_, you'd better explain it to me."

He hesitated a moment longer, and I thought I'd have to needle him all night for my answers. At last, he exhaled heavily and said, "Ikku lent me a bunch of money to help me get out of trouble—he called it an investment—but the thing was…I dunno', he always kinda' freaked me out. I figured if I kept hanging around him I'd wind up being one of his asshole thugs."

He sat down again, shrugged at me, "So I took off."

"He acted as if he's been looking for you."

"He has been, I guess. There're just some people you don't rip off…"

I felt my jaw threatening to fall open, "You mean to tell me you never repaid the money he lent you? You simply left town with it?"

Gojyo looked down at the table again, "Yeah. I was kinda' stupid when I was a kid."

"Then the reason he's after you now is to get his money back?"

"I think so."

I stood there, trying to figure out what in the world to say next. Should I go right ahead and inform him that he was _still_ stupid? There were so many questions I had to ask first. At last I landed on, "What I don't understand is why you're so afraid of him."

"I'm not scared of _him_, I just don't like thinkin' about what he's gonna' do to me."

"What's the difference? In any case, I think you're more than a match for him—he looks intimidating, but I don't think he's very strong."

"Physically, no. But he's got a helluva' army with him, we didn't see even half of it today. Besides, if I kill Ikku he's got kids who'll come after me. I've met a couple of them too. They're not as nice as he is." Gojyo smiled contritely.

"In other words, you don't want to kill him because you don't want an entire family of mobsters coming after you."

"You got it."

What a shame. I considered the possibility that, together, we'd likely be more than enough to take apart said mob family and anyone associated with them. But we didn't have time, and if there was an easier way to fix this, we should. After all, Gojyo had stolen the man's money.

"You ought to just return the money to him, Gojyo. At least then he won't kill you."

"I know, but it's not that simple."

"How much money did you steal from him?"

"Uh. You know. Not _that_ much."

"How much?"  
>He swallowed hard, "Twenty million."<p>

"Twenty million? _Yen_?"

"Yes, yen."

Twenty million yen. Albeit, that wasn't a monstrous amount of money, but it was much more than either of us could accumulate in a matter of a couple of days.

Gojyo's voice was quieter now, "He wanted it today. He's not gonna' wait until tomorrow. And I couldn't get it even if I had all week—I mean, I don't make that much in a year, Hakkai."

_Twenty million yen._ Now I was the one pacing and shoving hair out of his eyes. "How could you…why on earth are you so…I just can't believe the risks you're willing to take."

He still didn't look at me, but I heard the anger in his words, "I was sixteen, Hakkai, I was in a fuck of a lotta' trouble, and I didn't want to spend my life being that asshole's gang banger in a black trench coat. What was I supposed to do?" He added under his breath, "We couldn't all be jerking off at college when we were fifteen."

I suppose I was extremely fortunate.

I stopped pacing to face him again, noting the shame and the anxiety that was taking over his body language. I almost reached out and touched his shoulder, even out of some futile gesture of comfort, stopped myself because it was unnecessary, and because in the back of my mind, I could always see my hands, still bathed in blood, and I knew I didn't deserve to touch anyone with those hands, whether it be a woman or my room mate. Regardless, I barely managed to resist the urge. After all, it wasn't his fault there wasn't anyone there to look after him when he was a child.

"Ikku said something about your brother…. I didn't realize you had a brother."

"Half brother."

"Where in the world was he through all of this?"

"Shit. If I knew do you think it would have happened in the first place?"

"I assume he's dead then."

"No. I don't know. I have no idea where Jien went." His tone took on a pale, cloudy cast out of nowhere, as if the very subject was draining him, and the way he spoke that name was perplexing all on its own. So longing. So full of confusion. Mixtures of reverence and anger. I heard resentment and sadness rolled together. I heard a deep-seeded yearning to find something that might not exist at all anymore.

_Jien._

To have both parents die when he was young, and then have his step mother make an attempt on his life, and to lose his brother in some manner… It was a good deal of loss to confront. Still, I thought I understood him better for it.

_How could you go your whole life and not feel utterly abandoned?_

For all I knew, he did.

"Anyway." He cleared his throat, "I don't give a shit about Jien. I just have to figure out what the hell I'm gonna' do about Ikku."

Gojyo hesitated, and then looked up at me, "I might have to disappear for a while."

"Leave town? Run away?" I didn't mean to sound so bothered by the idea, but I wasn't expecting the suggestion to incite so much trepidation in me either. It was one option, of course, but I didn't like to think about Gojyo leaving and going to God knows where, especially when I knew that would mean not seeing him again. Possibly for the rest of my life. That was unacceptable.

I looked around the house, saw that it hadn't changed at all: the tattered furniture was still in place, the small kitchen had the same scratches and nicks on the floor, the same stains and marks pocking the white-washed walls. The windows were bare, the walls stark, the carpet ragged, the lights still dim. All in all, it was still the same shabby little hut it had always been, and I might have felt as if I moved in yesterday except for the fact that it was tidied now, and somewhat neat. Every day, it seemed I went through the same ritual of collecting the garbage littered throughout the place, emptying the trash can, arranging piles of magazines, doing dishes, throwing out cigarette butts and half-empty beer cans, and so forth. In the past year and a half, I felt that I'd done it hundreds of times.

Still, this was my home now. I'd come to be comfortable here, and to think of it as my own, even if he still referred to it as 'his place' from time to time, particularly when he wanted to be an ass.

In any case, it was more than that making me reluctant to let him leave.

"Yeah, I don't have a choice."

"He said if you left town he'd make your life miserable."

"But he'd have to catch me first."

"I don't think leaving town is the answer."

"Why do you always have to argue with me?"

"Because, as usual, there are aspects of this plan you haven't considered, and it's dangerous to disregard any possibilities."

"Like what?"

"I for one don't particularly like the idea of you being out there alone with this man hunting you. Suppose he decides to chase you indefinitely? At some point, you'll have to either kill or repay him."

Gojyo sounded frustrated as he answered, "I don't know what you want me to do, Hakkai. I don't have a lot of options."

That was true. If killing Ikku would attract the attention of his equally dangerous family, Gojyo might wind up worse off than he'd started.

Should I let him run away?

I certainly wouldn't want to. These days, the brutal pain I had once felt at the loss of Kanan was still very real, but it had become a dull ache. Ever since I'd met Gojyo, Sanzo and Goku, my life had been full of distractions, and I was dwelling on my past less and less; when I did think about it, it wasn't the depressing, regretful thing it had always been before. Sometimes I wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

In any case, Gojyo was more than enough to distract me from my moping and bouts of self-pity; for the past year and a half, living with him had been the most challenging, interesting endeavor I'd taken part in, and I had no desire to lose that. Suddenly, I realized it meant more to me than I'd ever expected it to.

"You have to pay him back somehow." I said at last.

"Oh, what a good idea. I wonder why I didn't think of that? Where are we going to get that kinda' money, Hakkai? Between the two of us we _might_ have five million yen. Even if we do, how're we supposed to get the rest in one day?"

"I'm sure that if we keep our heads something will occur to us that might-"

I cut myself short, cocking my head to the side, listening carefully.

Gojyo sat up straighter, "What? What's wrong?"

"I hear voices."

Simultaneously, we flew to the window, standing on either side of it and leaning over to peek out. I saw a group of men—approximately twenty of them—all wearing black and carrying flaming torches. Ikku was leading them up the path, to our house, and I could hear them all laughing and jeering, voices echoing through the trees.

"It appears we're out of time."

"Shit."

Ikku shouted, and I saw a painful, red slash across his face. "Alright, Gojyo, the game is over. Bring your whiney ass out here, like a good boy, and accept your fate."

"Fuck." Gojyo ground his burning cigarette into the wall.

"If you still don't feel like cooperating, we'll burn this place to the ground!"

"Fuck." Gojyo turned away from the window.

I caught his arm, "What are you doing?"

"What do you think? I gotta' go out there."

"Wait a minute. It could be a bluff; why don't we-"

"Ikku don't bluff, Hakkai." He pulled away and headed for the door.

Swearing under my breath, I followed him.

The day was still warm, and the light was golden, the shadows long and deep and stretching, but the woods seemed utterly still, aside from the shouting band of youkai laying siege to our house. I didn't know if Ikku was bluffing or not, I mused, but I suppose, in the end, it was a risk we shouldn't take, and I knew Gojyo wouldn't.

"You might as well stay inside." He grumbled at me, "No point in both of us getting killed."

"Save your breath." I suggested, "You know there's no way I'm going to do that."

He didn't say anything else, and Ikku approached, flanked by six men, three on each side. I saw that the wound Gojyo had given him earlier was deep and brutal, still bleeding, and enflamed. "Didn't get very far, now did you? It's senseless to run away, Gojyo—I've been more than gracious with you, but now it's time to pay your dues, one way or another."

Gojyo stayed still beside me, even when Ikku was towering over him, and he kept his voice calm, "C'mon, Ikku, don't be a dick about this. I'd hate to hafta' kill you."

It sounded like a solid bluff to me, no indication whatsoever that he didn't want to fight Ikku, and his face was serene, posture confident. To look at him, you wouldn't think he was afraid at all. He really did have a marvelous poker face.

Still, Ikku only grinned angrily and shook his head, focused on me, "Hello again, Mr. Nobody. I'm shocked to find you here."

"I don't see why you should be surprised, sir. This place is my home." I stood firmly, showing him how determined I was to defend the house and all its contents.

Ikku only laughed, "So you're shacking up with this good-for-nothing, eh? A dangerous bet. Listen here, Mr. Nobody, I did some checking up on you; according to the scum in this town, you're quite a fighter, am I right?"

"Oh, I do all right, assuming I have proper incentive."

"I understand completely, and that's why I'm here with a little incentive of my own: why don't you be on your way, and I'll even reimburse you for the inconvenience." He threw a bag of coins down at my feet.

I regarded the money carefully, "I see. And what, may I ask, would compel you to be so generous?"

"It's simple, really. My business is pleasure, not murder, and I'd just as soon not have your blood on my hands, if I can help it. I am a very powerful man, I can have you both killed, here and now, but it isn't my style." He smiled wolfishly.

Gojyo was looking at me out of the corner of his eye.

I stooped to pick up the wallet, testing its weight. It felt heavy, and I assumed there was over ten thousand yen inside—a nice amount to convince a casual spectator to get himself out of a sticky situation, but not enough to convince me to condemn Gojyo. Mob family be damned, I'd kill this man myself, if I had to. I smiled at the idiocy of it all, wondering how I'd gotten to this point.

Ikku obviously took the smile as an indication of agreement, nodded once to me, and spoke to Gojyo again, "Even you can't want to play this the hard way now. Give up, Gojyo—I know you don't want Mr. Nobody to see you beg and cry."

Gojyo's voice didn't sound any less confident, but he said, "Go ahead and pay off all my friends for all I care, I ain't the type to surrender."

Ikku laughed wickedly, "Look how far you've fallen. I always had such high hopes for you, boy: you're such a fighter, and a helluva gambler." He stuck his finger in Gojyo's face, voice taking on a vicious tone, "But you can't gamble your way out of this one."

I wondered suddenly if that might not be true.

"For the last time, Gojyo. Either I get my money, or-"

"Just one moment, Mr. Ikku." I spoke up quickly, taking a short step forward, positioning myself between the two of them, "I wonder if I could appeal to your business sense for a short period of time."

Ikku blinked at me, and then grinned slowly, "Kid, when you deal with Ikku, you're dealing with his business sense."

"That's very good to hear. Now then, if I may, am I right in assuming that the only thing you want from Gojyo is your twenty-million yen?"

"What else could I possibly want from a scumbag like him?"

"I would rather not know. However, I have no choice but to believe you, and in believing you, I assume that, if you were to receive your twenty-million, you would be satisfied and go on your way."

"But of course. That's what I've come here for."

"Yes, and because you've already expressed that you would prefer not to have blood on your hands, wouldn't it be much simpler to stop these unnecessary threats and allow him to repay you?"

Now Ikku seemed vaguely mystified, "That's exactly what I'm asking for."

"Yes, but, you must know that that sort of money isn't just lying around a place like this. One can hardly expect to come into town and expect Gojyo to have the money ready and waiting—naturally, he had no idea you'd be arriving, but I'm sure that if he had, the money would be in your possession by now.

"It's all a matter of profit, as I'm sure you're well aware. Well, what profit will you receive from killing him? You will, of course, have the satisfaction of making him suffer for stealing from you in the first place, and believe me, I understand just how satisfying that might be; however, there will be no gain from it. If you kill him, you will still be out twenty-million yen.

"I can see you're a man of principles. It just doesn't do to allow a gutterpunk like Gojyo to get away with taking you for twenty-million yen, and yet, the best you can hope for is to get some, preferably all, of that money back."

"What're you doin', Hakkai?" Gojyo mumbled under his breath.

Ikku's eyes were gleaming with interest, "Go on."

"I propose that, for the sake of the best interest of both parties, you allow Gojyo just a little more time to come up with the money; if he should succeed, I expect you'll be satisfied to take your money and go, leaving him intact."

"And if he fails?"

I shrugged, "I leave that to your discretion. You've already purchased my neutrality, and quite handsomely, I think, and so, if he does fail to raise the money, you'll be free to do as you see fit."

A while passed. The thugs flanking him murmured amongst themselves and gave me uncertain looks, and Ikku stroked his chin, glancing between Gojyo and I, thoughtfully. "You're quite the smart guy, Mr. Nobody, but I wonder… What is your motive exactly?"

"Gojyo and I run a profitable business here, one which I'd be unable to operate on my own."

"I see. And how do I know he won't skip town as soon as I turn my back?"

I looked at Gojyo, "Oh, I don't think he has any need to leave town; I'm incredibly confident in his ability to get the money in a timely, orderly manner. Still, I suppose if he does try to leave, you will still get to have the satisfaction of breaking his neck. Eventually."

Gojyo glared back at me, his face just a little less calm than it had been earlier.

I smiled at him, reassuringly.

Ikku laughed again, breaking the silence, "Mr. Nobody, you are something. If nothing else, I admit I'm intrigued. Fine then, Gojyo, your friend's convinced me. You have twenty-four hours, starting now, to make my twenty-million appear out of thin air. I wish you luck."

He snapped his fingers, and his men began to back away, while he gave us one last wickedly icy smile, "I'll come back, this time tomorrow; if you fail to retrieve the money, I expect you to die a gentleman's death. If you're ballsy enough to skip town again, don't doubt I will hunt you down with a vengeance."

"You got it." Gojyo drawled, starting up a new cigarette, and Ikku backed away into the shadows, saying,

"Thank your friend, Sha Gojyo. He just saved your ass."

His men followed him, and in a matter of moments, they were all gone, torches fading into the distance. Once they were completely out of sight, Gojyo turned to me, "Are you bat-shit fuckin' crazy, Hakkai?"

"That's rather rude—you're supposed to be thanking me."

"Then you wanna' explain what you're thinking? You just told that guy I'd have the money by tomorrow, but there is still no way in hell I'll be able to come up with twenty-million yen in just twenty-four hours. What're you tryin' to do?"

I listened to his voice; the calm had fallen away now, replaced by mild hysteria, anger and fear. "Ikku, creepy as he may be, is right about one thing. You are a good gambler."

"Let me stop you right _there_. Even I can't win all that money in twenty-four hours, not even if I skip eating and sleeping."

"Yes, perhaps not, but you must also admit that running away won't do you any good, and going head-to-head with that man will only jeopardize your life even further, and so, one must conclude that getting the money is your only chance at surviving."

He laughed bitterly, "Then I'm dead. I'm so fucked."

"Something to consider the next time you feel inclined to go around stealing from mob bosses; irony aside, I don't think you're as hopeless as you think you are. After all," I jingled the wallet, "We are about ten thousand yen closer to our goal, and if we pool all the money we have together now, and include the amount from Sanzo we're going to receive for completing his errand, it improves the amount we'll have to play with, and therefore, makes winning the twenty-million that much easier."

Gojyo gave me a wide-eyed, disbelieving look, "It's still insane, Hakkai! There's no way it's enough! Besides, we didn't do the errand for Sanzo, remember?"

"I intend to go there now and ask for an advance."

"It doesn't matter!" he practically shouted, "Even _if_ Sanzo gives you an advance on what he _might_ owe us _when_ we finish his little chump job, we still won't even have a fraction of the money we need! Hell, I'm a good gambler, but I ain't a magician! How-"

"What, may I ask, is your alternative, Gojyo? Running like a fugitive for the rest of your life? Some day, he is going to catch up and kill you."

"At least if I run it'll prolong my life a little."

"You're not a runner though. You may think you are, but I've never seen it. Please try to calm down, and trust me on this."

He didn't look convinced.

"You don't have to do this alone, you know. Naturally, I was intending to help you.

"You are?"

"And when was the last time you saw me lose a hand of poker? Of _anything_?"

Gojyo raked his fingers through his hair, finally seeming a little reassured, "Never…"

Again, I had to battle back the urge to rest my bloodstained hand on his shoulder, settled for a confident smile instead, "Then I suggest you not worry about it. I'll go to Sanzo now to speak to him about the advance—I'm confident he'll be more than willing when he hears of the predicament you've gotten yourself into." I laughed.

"Yeah, okay. But, you know…nobody in town is gonna' wanna' play you. They're gonna' see you coming and run the other way. Even if they don't, everybody's piss-poor to begin with."

"We won't be playing with the local drunks this time, of course, which brings me to my next point. While I'm away in Chang'an, you'll need to acquire a suit, the nicest you can find. It doesn't matter if you borrow or rent it, so long as you don't dig it out of a dumpster somewhere."

"A suit?"

"I of course already have a suit, so we save a little money there."

"What the hell do we need suits for?"

"I'm afraid I don't have time to explain the details now, so please try to trust me."

Gojyo nodded slowly, "I'm tryin', man."

"In that case, I'll be on my way now, and I should return no later than six."

"You know…Hakkai…this isn't really any of your business."

I frowned disapprovingly at him. We'd lived together for a year and a half, and that was still his idiotic way of trying to protect me when he was the one in trouble. "Debatable, isn't it? After all, if you go missing tomorrow, I wonder who stays behind and pays rent all alone."

"I just meant…this isn't your problem. You don't have to get involved."

"I'm well aware of that. I'm also well aware of what could happen if I don't."

"I'm just sayin', if you wanna' back out now, I get it."

"I have no desire to back out; I'm more than confident that, between the two of us, we can solve this. All I'm asking is for you to trust me."

"Fine. But if you suddenly decide you don't wanna' deal with this, you can always-"

"Gojyo. I want to."

He just shrugged, "Your call, man."

"Don't worry." I smiled. "This is going to work."

* * *

><p>"Sanzo was not happy to learn that we were unable to complete our professional obligations today."<p>

"I think they're following us."

"Relax. It's a beautiful evening, and, if I may say so, you clean up rather nicely."

Gojyo smoothed the front of his white suit coat. He hadn't found a tie, or hadn't bothered getting one, but it couldn't be helped. He was wearing a crimson, silk shirt, open at the collar, and a pair of white slacks to match the suit coat, and he'd pulled his hair back in a ponytail. He turned to give me a semi-skeptical look, "You look like you were born in that thing."

Laughing, I adjusted my tie. It was a fine, glossy, forest green, to match my eyes, a trim, black suit, not quite a tuxedo, with a white shirt and gold cufflinks. "Thank-you. I was a little premature in buying it, I suppose, seeing how I've had it a while now, but I knew I would need it eventually. Where, may I ask, did you acquire yours?"

Gojyo glanced around. The sun had set a little under an hour ago, leaving us in the haze of dusk, and the only sounds to be heard were the occasional croons of a mourning dove, still, he seemed convinced that Ikku's men were tailing us. "It's mine."

"Yours? You mean to say you've had a suit all along?"

"Guess so."

I raised my eyebrow, "What is a man like you doing with a suit like that?"

"All the ladies die when I wear it. And what do you mean 'a man like me'?"

I appraised the white suit again, "From the look of it, only a person of taste and style would wear that suit.

"And I happen to be tasteful _and_ stylish."

"But not enough to own a tie." I pointed out.

"I _own_ a tie. I just don't know where it is right now. Last time I saw it, Banri was using it for a tourniquet."

"That's…rather repulsive."

"Yeah. Anyway, you gonna' tell me where we're going now?"

"Perhaps in a moment."

"Dude." He scowled at me, "You've put it off like six times now."

"Because I know you won't want to go."

"Just tell me."

"Very well, I suppose you're going to find out in a moment anyway. We're going to the Hu-die."

Gojyo turned a wide-eyed look on me, "You're shittin' me."

"Of course not."  
>"You're right. I <em>don't<em> want to go."

"Come now. It's the only place in town where the stakes are high enough to win the amount we're after."

"Yeah, but they probably won't even let us in the door."

"We may have to pay off security." I agreed, "Or go through a window."

"Fuck. C'mon, Hakkai, you don't really think we'll fit in there, do you?"

"As a matter of fact, I do, provided you keep your mouth shut. Do you perhaps have a better idea? It's the only way I know of to win the money in twenty-four hours."

He was quiet a while, but I could see from the frown gracing his face that he didn't approve of the plan at all, and I could understand that easily enough. Twenty-million yen was still a lot of money to win in one night, no matter how high the stakes were, and our only hope was that between the two of us we'd be able to win enough hands to make it. Beside that though, I knew why Gojyo was not excited to be paying a visit to the Hu-Die.

The Hu-Die was the fanciest restaurant and bar in town that allowed gambling to begin with. In general, the town was composed of deadbeats and paupers, but the handful of rich and fortuitous people who lived uptown needed a place to entertain equally rich guests and unwind with their mistresses every now and then. Normally, people like Gojyo wouldn't be there unless it was to bus the table, but I knew he didn't want to go because, as he'd told me many times, he hated 'those kinds of people'.

Again though, he didn't have another choice.

We walked into town and headed for snob hill, where the lights were bright and the sound of music was in the air. Here, the buildings were taller, and all together larger, and the people kept their noses pointed at the sky. Before long, I could see the Hu-Die, arranged at the top of the hill, built from white alabaster, its multi-colored lights dazzling across the water of the fountain out front. There was a queue of well-dressed patrons moving through the doorway, ladies on arms.

We approached casually.

"Hey, Hakkai? You got a plan B or something?"

"I think it's a bit rash to be considering plan B, don't you? We haven't even tried plan A yet."

"Yeah, but you got one, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

"Cool. What is it?"

"We won't need it." I assured, and then stopped to face him, "Before we go in, I'd like to lay down a few ground rules. Rule number one: do not, under any circumstances, get drunk while we're inside. I of course, will not have that problem. Number two-"

"I can't _drink_? It might be my last night alive and I can't-"

"I said, don't get drunk. Drink if you want, but for goodness sake, don't become intoxicated.

"Rule number two: don't you dare become entangled with some high-dollar prostitute and run off somewhere to-"

"I'd never do that, Hakkai." He said, conveying some irritation.

"I wouldn't expect you to. That being said though, I wouldn't think it completely impossible either. Now stop interrupting.

"Rule number three—and this rule is most important—no matter what anyone says to you, no matter how offensive it may be, or how angry they make you, do not, do not, _do not_ start a fist fight in here."

He sighed tragically, "No drinkin', no fuckin', no fightin'. God, I hate this place already."

"It'll be good for you to exercise a little willpower; now then, so long as the ground rules are firmly in place and crystal clear….they _are_ crystal clear, are they not?"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it." He flicked ashes off his cigarette.

"I'm grateful for that. Now, as I was saying, so long as the rules are clear, I'd like to remind you that this is a team effort. We will, naturally, be doing this together. I've divided our money in half so that we may each play a hand, but I think it would be wise if we remain close together. After all, it _is_ possible that Ikku has sent an informer of some sort to spy on us, and he may or may not have reasons for wanting to keep us from getting the money on time. Ah, and one more thing." I looked at him sharply, "Do not rely solely on me to win all the money. I may be a better gambler, but I will need your help. If you think we can come all the way up here so that you can play around while I bluff our way out of this mess, please keep in mind that I can just as easily-"

"Okay, Hakkai, okay, I got it. Can we go inside now and get this over with?" He started walking again.

"One more thing, Gojyo."

I could see I was really grinding his nerves, his normally composed face a thick mask of agitation as he looked over his shoulder at me, "Hm?"

"No cheating."

* * *

><p>Gojyo confessed to having hidden a number of cards up his sleeve, but I was adamant that he dispose of them and refused to go even another step before I was satisfied that they were all gone, at which point, we continued up to the main entrance, where we were permitted inside with little more than a suspicious, disdainful look from security.<p>

The Hu-Die was fancier than I imagined. Most of the interior was decorated with rich, violet and scarlet, long, shimmering curtains lined sparkling portrait windows, and the polished, marble floors showed me my reflection when I happened to glance down to make sure I hadn't gotten dust on my shoes over the course of our long walk. Everyone inside was laughing and drinking champagne and making small talk, dressed to the nines, with nowhere else to go, and all night to do it. A few of them looked the two of us over somewhat unappreciatively, but for the most part, we were ignored.

Gojyo bought a drink before we did anything else, because he insisted that he would not spend what was potentially his last night alive, without drinking at least a little, and I agreed that it would help us fit the role of rich, wild playboys, so I allowed it.

From there, we made our way through the dining room, where people were sitting at round tables with pressed, white table cloths and red, wax candles, stuffing their faces with salmon and steak, and on into the next room where a number of fancy card tables had been set up, and the high rollers were smoking cigars and booming on about what sort of wealth they had.

Gojyo and I hesitated at the doorway, standing shoulder-to-shoulder, and looked at each other a moment, and then, that familiar, mischievous grin ease its way across his mouth, achingly it seemed, as if he knew how suspicious it might make us look, and simply couldn't help himself.

I smiled back. This would be too easy. These people were far too full of themselves, confident in their wealth and their prestige, and they wouldn't expect a pair of young men like us to swoop in and rob them blind. Gojyo was right in that none of the men in the bars we frequented would want to play cards with me, but these people had never seen either of us before—if they had, they wouldn't remember, and frankly, I wouldn't either—and they had no idea what I was capable of.

I gestured for him to go ahead of me, "Shall we?"

Gojyo sauntered in like he belonged there, even with the cigarette blazing in his mouth and his shirt torn open partway down his chest, and I felt that every eye in the room was on him—after all, with hair like that, he'd be impossible to miss—and yet, his demeanor suggested that he didn't have the faintest idea that he was even remotely out of place.

Smoothly, I followed him to the table of his choice, where there were two open chairs, smiled politely at the three men already seated there, "Ah, excuse me. Would it be too much to ask if we may join your game?"

An elderly gentleman with white hair and a monocle, much like the one I sometimes wore, looked me up and down, decided I was all right, slid an uncertain glance at Gojyo, and nodded slowly, "Yes. I guess that would be-"

Gojyo slumped into the chair, all but slamming his glass down. "Thanks, pops."

"-all right."

"Thank-you very much." I slid into my own seat, casually examining the competition. The man directly to the left of me was only a little younger than the first, his hair ash gray, saggy face graced by a delicate moustache that matched his hair. The third man, to the right of Gojyo, was quite a bit younger, likely in his thirties, with jet black hair, slanted eyes, and a perpetual frown. I saw that they didn't necessarily like the look of us, but they didn't expect us to be a threat either.

"Alright, dealer." Gojyo rapped his knuckles on the table, "Let's go."

The night went on well enough from there. I laughed and made small talk with the people around us until they seemed less suspicious, discussing the weather, local trade markets, economy, and whatever else they wanted to bring up, and then, I let them have it. I won four hands in a row while Gojyo sat back and smoked, barely paying attention, almost tripling the twenty-five thousand yen I'd started with in the first half hour of being there. One by one, our opponents folded, and then, one by one, left the table all together, utterly disgruntled.

"There, that's a good enough start, I suppose." I decided, as I split my winnings between the two of us, "Now, I recommend we play separate tables for a while—that will increase the profit faster. But remember, stay close."

"Sure you can trust me, Sensei?" He teased.

"Try not to lose." I smiled, pleasantly, "Your life is at stake."

"Gee, thanks, buddy."

After that, we played tables across the room and right next to each other. We sat back to back at times, and side by side when we needed to check in and compare winnings. Not surprisingly, he seemed intent on turning this life or death matter into a contest, and mumbled numerous times about how I was 'still ahead', except for once, when he shouted, all too triumphantly, "Ah-ha! I'm ahead of you by two-hundred yen!" That was a fluke of course, and within the next hour and a half, I was satisfied to see that I'd left him in my dust.

The people were easy enough to get along with. They never seemed to like the look of me when I first sat down at their table, begging graciously to join their game, and they liked me even less when I'd taken a large portion of their money, but they were polite, in a cold, snobbish way, and as long as I was careful not to get too detailed with my personal life. It was easy enough to rely solely on asking questions, and I noticed that most of them were all too happy to talk on and on about themselves.

After we'd been at it a few hours, I noticed Gojyo getting tipsy, sat beside him for the next few games so that I could quietly remind him that he was supposed to be watching how much he drank.

"I remember." He grinned. And then he winked at the woman sitting next to him, "He makes sure I don't miss my AA meetings too."

"Someone has to." I laughed, "Without me, who knows? You might drink yourself into a coma."

"Hey, I might be in a coma tomorrow anyway."

I gave his arm a sharp pinch, and he shut up. For a while.

Still, Gojyo on a buzz was a thousand times more sociable than he was when sober, if that was even possible, and he was considerably more charming, so I relaxed and told myself that I should let him do this his way, as long as I was at liberty to do it my way. After all, I was beginning to understand something about him, through this mess with Ikku.

I didn't know very much about his life, aside from the fact that he, like me, had been on his own since he was very young; unlike me, he'd fallen into the typical entrapment of fast-living and reckless behavior, and now, it seemed, he was refusing to grow up as a result.

At least, I had always thought that of him, that he was trapped in some delirium where he didn't have to be mature if he didn't want to, and he could keep playing cards and smoking and drinking and chasing around with women forever, because he thought it was cool, and there was no one to stop him. But as I watched him over the course of the night, something fresh occurred to me. I observed him flirting shamelessly with a high-dollar prostitute, regardless that it was one of the unchangeable rules I'd laid down, and it suddenly struck me that Gojyo's issue wasn't with refusing to grow up, it was that he had no idea how. His life had been completely void of structure and discipline, he'd learned what he could from the hard knocks he'd gotten as a child, he'd figured out how to survive, told himself the consequences didn't matter, as long as he never got caught and never allowed himself to lose, and he'd never had anyone there to teach him otherwise.

I knew that, because in the year and a half we'd lived together, I'd done everything I could to change him, even while telling myself that changing him was not my goal. I'd nagged him and fought with him, reasoned with him, teased him about it, and had done my absolute best to set a good example for him, pretentiously hoping that, one day, he would wake up, take a look at how I lived my life, examine the way he lived his own, realize how childish he was being in comparison, and just…change.

_That's rather immature of _me. I told myself, slapping down a full house.

My own childhood had been so substantially different; I'd been raised in an orphanage, and a religious one at that, so structure and discipline were a part of every day life, and they were a part of me inherently. I had attended a prestigious school where propriety was enforced and maturity was mandatory. Even if it had occurred to me to deviate from my proper upbringing, it would have been frowned upon and discouraged.

And then, of course, there was Kanan. I'd learned so much from her and grown so much after we met. She was older than me, of course, more mature, and loving her had honed my own sense of maturity and responsibility.

_Not everyone has that sort of background._ I thought, as Gojyo rowdily threw his arm around my neck, laughing and toasting my latest win, knocking his head lightly against my own.

I could only smile wryly. _Hakkai, you are an ass, aren't you?_

* * *

><p>We were at the Hu-Die until half past five in the morning, and by then, I had to admit, I was feeling more or less exhausted, but, we had met our goal, never-the-less, and Gojyo hadn't gotten us thrown out of the place yet. Quite the opposite, in fact: most everyone he'd played cards with seemed to have fallen in love with him, and by the time we were preparing to leave, everyone in the room seemed to know his name, and men and women alike were buying him drinks. He took it all casually, more than likely used to that sort of thing. I suppose I'd never realized before just how likeable he was: never too serious, constantly sure of himself, but not overtly so, always acting bulletproof when anyone could see that he was anything but perfect. I suppose people liked that honesty about him. I certainly admired it.<p>

I, on the other hand, had made quite a few enemies over the course of the night. I'd won every hand I played, taken a lot of wealthy people for a lot of money, and made a lot of big shots angry. At one point, I'd been accused of cheating, and that had been investigated, and summarily dismissed, as I'd known it would be. After all, I was playing perfectly fair. There was nothing any of them could do about it short of having me assassinated, which, unbeknownst to them, would be a fatal error.

Gojyo and I cashed in our chips, only to discover that we'd won more than enough money to pay Ikku, which, Gojyo decided, was reason enough to have a celebratory round of drinks.

I agreed, tiredly, because, at the moment, I was finding his happy-go-lucky disposition terribly endearing and couldn't bear to deny him anything.

When that was over and done with, we left.

"It worked." He sounded surprised. "I can't believe we actually made that work."

"I'm not sure why you thought it wouldn't."

"I dunno'. Stuff like that's not supposed to work, you know? Like we're in a movie or somethin' nuts. You don't just win all the money you need to pay off the mob boss that wants to break your knees in one night."

"Most people can't, I assume."

He laughed, settling his arm on my shoulder, like it just belonged there, "Yeah, I guess not everybody kicks ass at cards like we do."

"We?" I questioned good-naturedly.

"You. Not everybody kicks ass at cards like you do."

"Well, we'll see if Ikku is as impressed as you are."

"Ha! That old man's gonna' drop his teeth. Impressed! He'll probably just die."

"I think you're right." I added, mostly to myself, "It could be a somewhat tense situation."

"Hell. He's got nothin' to bitch about as long as he gets his money, like you said. Shit. Things're looking up."

When we got home, the first thing Gojyo did was tear his suit off, flinging it into his room carelessly, and then he fell asleep on the couch, clutching the satchel of money in his arms.

I ate a light breakfast, because it had been more than twelve hours since I'd eaten, and went to bed, making sure to leave my bedroom door open, still not entirely convinced that Ikku hadn't had some sort of saboteur following us around all night.

The sun was coming up when I laid down, and the light on my ceiling was soft and gray, Gojyo was muttering in his sleep in the next room, and all things around me were familiar and comforting. As I drifted off to sleep, I realized that somehow, between Kanan's death and today, life had taken an unexpected turn for the better, and I counted myself as being content, if not happy.

Around noon, I was up again. I tidied up the kitchen and made some food, and by the time Gojyo was awake at two, it was almost time for Ikku to come back.

"I'm so not worried." My room mate announced, after he'd finished off his lunch. "That ass probably doesn't think there's a chance in hell I've got his money. It's going to be hilarious when he realizes he underestimated me."

I cleared the table, feeling a little unsure myself. I'd been thinking since I got up, and I was finding plenty of cause for worry. "Gojyo…Ikku said giving you the money was an investment of sorts, didn't he?"

"Yeah, somethin' nuts like that."

"What do you suppose that meant?"

He shrugged and yawned, "I just figured it meant he thought I was gonna' stick around a while and be one of his followers some day."

"In that case, he must have been quite impressed with you, at the time. I mean, you were only sixteen, am I right?"

Gojyo blinked, like maybe that hadn't occurred to him before. "Uh, yeah. I guess you're right."

I just nodded. It was too early to say anything, really, and by the time I knew for sure, it would probably be too late. I might as well let the thing play out.

The next hour seemed to drag by. Gojyo and I sat on the front stoop; he smoked a whole pack of cigarettes, and I drank some tea, and we watched and waited for Ikku, who was punctual. In fact, he was early. He came down the path, through the woods, with the same six henchmen he'd brought before, striding as confidently and sinisterly as ever, but when he stopped in front of our house, saw us there, waiting calmly, his expression betrayed a little bewilderment.

"Good afternoon." I greeted. "I see you got someone to take a look at your face. The wound looks much better today."

Ikku looked resentfully at me, and then turned to Gojyo, "Well?"

"Well what?" Gojyo blew a cloud of smoke in Ikku's direction.

"Do you have my twenty-million yen?"

"Got it right here, Dracula." He tossed the bag to him, lazily, and we both watched warily as Ikku went through it. "Go ahead and count it—it's all there."

In a matter of moments, Ikku had confirmed it, and then he stood there, puzzling over how we'd managed to succeed.

"Boss?" One of his henchmen called.

"It's all here." Ikku announced. He glared at me, viciously, "You tricked me, Mr. Nobody."

By that time, I was on my feet, "How so? You said you wanted your money, I told you he would get it for you, and now you have it. How is that a trick?"

"I never expected this no-account lowlife to actually _succeed_."

"I see. In that case, may I ask what you _did_ expect?"

"Don't matter." Gojyo stood up too, throwing his cigarette down. "You lost, Ikku. Whatever you thought would happen today ain't gonna' work out—you got your money, so there's nothing for you to hold over my head, no reason for you to chase me around; why don't you take your creepy-ass boy scout troop and go home?"

"Gojyo." Ikku said darkly, "I think you're forgetting something very important."

"Yeah? What's that?"

Ikku shouldered his way up to us, towering over our heads, teeth bared, "You put this scar on my face. Did you honestly believe I'd forgive you for that?"

"That? Pft. You look better this way—makes you seem tough, somehow—besides, you shoulda' known better than to yank my hair."

"Smart-mouth brat." Ikku seemed to tremble with anger.

I stayed loose, but watched him carefully, waiting for any tell-tale sign of attack.

"Well." Ikku said suddenly, "A deal is a deal. I have my twenty-million yen, and you have your life. I can't very well kill you after the agreement we made. But then…I never said I was going to kill you."

I waited, feeling all the more tense, both eyes fixed on Ikku's face.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"An eye for an eye."

There was a lightning-fast blur of dull silver as Ikku drew a knife from his belt; he threw the money to the side, grabbing Gojyo's shirt front with his now free hand, and taking a swing at him.

Gojyo was ready for him though, ducked under the blade's sharp point easily, wrenching loose and kicking Ikku back.

Immediately, I launched forward, gripping Ikku's wrist so I could twist the knife out of his hand.

His men were rushing toward us now, screaming, but they stopped when I shoved the knife under his chin, point resting just a hair's breadth from his throat, and he stared at me with wide, dark eyes.

"You. You said you wouldn't fight me!"

"What I actually said was that you had purchased my neutrality, which was a lie. Furthermore, I said that you could do whatever you wanted with Gojyo, in the event that he failed to give you the money; you have your money, and so this little stunt has sealed your doom."

Ikku stared at me a moment, and then he started to laugh, "Oh, give me a break, kid. This has nothing to do with you."

"I'm afraid you're wrong in that, Ikku. It has everything to do with me."

"You expect me to believe you'd kill me for a wasted attack?"

"While you're at it, you may as well believe you're lucky I didn't kill you yesterday for your behavior in the alley."

"Hmph. Pathetic."

"I suppose it would look that way, to someone like you."

"Hey, c'mon, Hakkai." Gojyo said, "Just forget about it."

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"He ain't worth it—you wanna' get his whole freakin' family on your back?"

Ignoring him, I glared at Ikku. His henchmen were closing in, but I knew they wouldn't attack as long as I had their boss at knife-point. "You were never going to let him off the proverbial hook, were you, Ikku? Not so long as there was a chance you might be able to control him. Albeit, you didn't think he'd be able to get the money, but it didn't really matter one way or another, now did it? I knew it the moment you agreed to my suggestion."

Ikku bared his teeth at me, "Cho Hakkai. I've heard about you—in this town, and in others. They all say Sha Gojyo's new partner in crime is violent and bloodless and too smart for his own good."

I didn't like hearing that, and it made me wonder what else they said about me, but I knew he meant it to be a distraction, so I let it slide off.

Everyone else was watching us with baited breath.

"Then you should have known better than to attempt outdoing me."

"Maybe so. But ask yourself this, Cho Hakkai: do you really want to start a war with a mob family over a worthless, little punk like Gojyo?"

"You started this, and I'll finish it."

"Of all the absurd, egotistical things. I can give you anything you want, boy. Name your price and-"

"You should have taken the twenty-million."

He glared at me fiercely; in a flash, he jerked another knife out of his belt, hacking at me in a desperate attempt to slit my throat, but I evaded it easily, ducking under the blade and striking him across the side of the head with the pommel of my own knife. He collapsed heavily, blood streaming down his face, and I ground the heel of my shoe into his sternum. "Next time, you may want to weigh the consequences of such audacity a bit more carefully."

He started threatening and then begging, but I ignored him, slashed through his throat as easily as slicing bread; bright, hot blood sprayed across my shirtfront, and Ikku died with a gurgling scream.

At once, his men rushed at me, weapons drawn and ready.

Gojyo dove for the knife still clutched in Ikku's stiff, dead grip, caught it up easily, attacked, shouting a curse, and I was right behind him.

The six of them were easy to dispatch though, and in a couple of minutes, we were alone in front of our house again, both of us splashed with crimson.

I studied the dripping knife in my hand and the red oozing off my fingers, felt a vague shudder inside.

"_Violent, bloodless and too smart for your own good."_

_He forgot merciless and indomitable._

I threw the knife down with a clatter. "There, you see? I told you he wasn't all that tough."

"And I told _you_ he's the head of a mob family…_was_ the head of a mob family."

"Yes, yes." I laughed, "Well, at any rate, that isn't your problem, now is it?"

"Dunno'." He mumbled and lowered his eyes. "It could be."

"Let's concern ourselves with that when and if anything comes of it. As for now, I don't know about you, but I want to get this blood off of me."

* * *

><p>I felt a little better when the blood was gone, but Gojyo went straight for his stash of liquor, and when I commented on it being barely three-thirty, he reminded me that he didn't get to get hammered last night.<p>

Generally, I would have left him to it, but I got the sense that something was bothering him, so I hung around and sipped a little sake with him. All in all, I thought everything had turned out pretty well. Much better than they might have.

"We even get to keep the money." I reminded him.

"I know right? At least all that wasn't a total loss." His voice sounded normal, but there was something in his eyes that seemed troubled, and he was burning through the hardest alcohol he had quickly, apparently trying to get drunk.

Before long, I saw that he was tipsy.

"I suppose…we could have saved ourselves a lot of trouble if we'd just fought him yesterday, but I wasn't positive my theory was sound, and I thought we should give plan A a shot first."

"Wha'ever. I'm just glad that shit's over."

"Yes, so am I."

A little more time passed, and everything seemed normal enough, and then, suddenly, Gojyo took a heavy swig from the bottle and saying, "Hey, 'Kai. I wanna' tell ya' somethin'."

"Oh, dear. I hope it's nothing too serious, Gojyo. I'm feeling rather cheerful tonight."

"Nah, it's no big deal. Just, you asked about my brother yesterday."

"Oh, that's right. Jien." I acknowledged softly, remembering the aching sound of his voice.

_'…I have no idea where Jien went…'_

"Jien. Hell, I wasn't shittin' ya' when I said I dunno' where he went. Fucker ran out on me almost ten years ago."

"Why would he do that?"

Gojyo shrugged and shook his head. "Our mom—_his_ mom—tried ta' kill me…"

"I remember." I wondered how this qualified for 'nothing too serious.'

"I got used ta' her hittin' me, but that day, she really wanted ta' fuck me up. I could see it in her eyes..." His face fell almost imperceptibly, and his eyes dulled.

"Gojyo. You're drunk. You don't actually mean to tell me this. You don't have to."

"No, I wanna'. I never told anybody this story…I never needed to. I…I _want_ to tell you."

I was quiet again.

He went on. "My mom was always hittin' me when I was a kid. I guess she just really hated that he cheated on her. She'd look at me an' cry… Shit. I hated that. I hated it so much…sometimes I just let her, 'cause I thought…" he shook his head suddenly, "I dunno'. Maybe that was the only thing I could do ta' fix it. I figured it was my fault she was miserable in the first place, so why not?

"Sometimes, she'd go weeks without hittin' me. Sometimes, I was dumb enough to think it was over, but she always started again, eventually. She'd lock me in my room and wouldn't feed me. She was always reminding me how much she hated me…how much she wished I was dead."

His voice faltered a moment, and he broke off to take another swig.

"Gojyo…"

He went on, sounding very careless now, as if he were merely telling me a story someone had told him, "When we were little, there was nothin' we could do. I didn't wanna' get Jien's mom in trouble, so I never told anybody. I guess, now I realize, everyone would have to be serious idiots not ta' know anyway. It took me a while to figure out they just didn't give a shit.

"I think Jien was the only one who ever cared. He was a lot older than me, and when he got bigger, he started stepping in, calming her down…no matter what it took.

"So. The day she decided to kill me, Jien stopped her. He was pretty good with a sword anyway, but she was distracted. I didn't even see him coming—all the sudden, he was just there. Mom was dead."

Then Jien had killed his own mother to save Gojyo. It was somewhat astonishing.

"I never saw him again after that. I was on my own." Briefly, he ran his fingers along the scars on his cheek, "I was twelve."

A moment passed, and I sat and tried to think of something to say, but nothing occurred to me. There was just nothing good enough to say about such a tragic, dark story, and I realized comforting him now would be like someone trying to comfort me in the face of Kanan's death.

"That's why." He added inexplicably. "That's why my life's so fucked up."

"I-I had no idea." I stammered idiotically, "You've never told anyone else that?"

"Not the whole story. No."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He leaned back in the couch, sort of smiling at me, as if I were silly for thinking it was anything to be sorry for. "It was a long time ago. Sometimes…it feels like it didn't even happen."

But I knew he was lying. I knew first-hand that experiences like those always felt like they happened yesterday, no matter how foggy the actual memory became.

Unconsciously, Gojyo tilted his head, so his long hair hid the scarred side of his face, and it looked as if he was waiting for me to say something.

"You never found Jien?"

"Naw. For all I know, he went off and committed harakiri or some shit. I doubt I'll ever see him again." He said it carelessly, the same way he'd say 'I lost all my money at cards' or 'I offered her a drink, but she just slapped my face.'

Still not knowing what to do, I sat there a while longer. I didn't really know why he'd felt the need to tell me such a bleak story when we'd gone almost two years as friends and my ignorance hadn't been of any consequence. I could only assume that he felt closer to me than he'd ever felt to anyone else, and dealing with Ikku had left him considering the past.

I discovered, in that moment, that I felt similarly. How many times had he lightened my mood, without even realizing it, just by being himself? It was good to know that, every now and then, I could return the favor.

And that was why I'd taken the responsibility of killing Ikku on my shoulders as well, wasn't it? Because for the first time in what felt like forever, someone was counting on me. Only this time, I hadn't failed them.

It could be that saying Gojyo needed me was a bit extreme—he'd gotten along fine without me for years, in his own punkish, not-really-fine way—I'd be rather conceited to start telling myself he needed me now. I guess, I hadn't dealt with Ikku because Gojyo needed me to, considering he could have left town and probably been okay for a while longer, I'd done it because I wanted to, and I was happy to be of use to someone.

I'd do it over and over again, gladly, and I was never going to run away, no matter how much it shamed me to see the blood on my hands.

"Anyway." He said, when it was obvious I had nothing to contribute myself. "Sorry for getting all serious on ya'. I just figured, as long as you're gonna' hang around, you might as well know." He finished with a hollow copy of his normal grin

"I wish I knew what to say." I murmured at last.

"You don't hafta' say anything." Gojyo got up, still holding the bottle, opened his mouth like he was going to say more, but stopped suddenly.

I rose too, and again, I was feeling that fierce desire to comfort him somehow, to touch him, just for a second, just to remind him that he wasn't alone now—I was with him. But no. I could never… I'd forfeited my right to contact of that nature, and bloody hands like mine could never be clean.

"I apologize." I glanced at the clock. "It's not very late yet, but maybe it's time to turn in for the night—it's been a long couple of days."

"Yeah."

I started to walk past him, wondering if I'd be insensitive to just go to bed now. After all, he'd said I didn't have to say anything. I hesitated next to him, long enough to ask, "Are you going to be-"

Gojyo snagged me without warning, jerking me into an unsteady hug, one arm tight around my neck, forehead resting on my shoulder.

For a second, I was so shocked, I couldn't do anything. It had been so long since anyone had held me, so long since I'd held anyone, I wasn't sure how to react, and I stood there rigidly, the voice in my head screaming, '_you don't deserve this. Not with hands as bloody as yours.'_.

"Thanks, man." He said into my shirt, and even though I had no idea what he was thanking me for, there was something in the general sentiment that made me feel profoundly appreciated.

Slowly, I lifted my hands, one on his back, one at the base of his skull, feeling utterly confused and self-conscious, but I chased that away, because I knew it didn't matter now. No matter how bloody my hands had been in the past, or how detrimental they might be in the future, this, somehow, was outside those rigid, black lines.

Part of me, deep inside, let go, just a little, if only for a moment, and the everlasting pain seemed to dull.

I only indulged that forbidden desire for a moment, before pulling away. "It's nothing."

It took him a second longer, and then he let go too, smiling a little, "Sorry. I guess that was kinda' weird."

"Never mind. You've just had too much of this." I pried the bottle from his hand. "Why don't you get some sleep?"

"You're right." He shoved his hands in his pockets. "My bad."

I finally allowed myself to lay my hand on his shoulder, briefly, "Try not to think about it."

"Yeah, yeah. I got that down to a science by now."

I forced a laugh. "Well, if you think you'll be okay, I'll say goodnight now."

"'Night. Hey, just one other thing." He grabbed my arm before I could walk away, "You killed Ikku… Just so you know, his family is gonna' come after you now. Probably."

I'd almost forgotten that.

I looked back at him, considering the unusual gravity in his tone and the seriousness in his eyes.

"So?"

"So. What're you gonna' do?"

I smiled darkly. "Let them come."


	7. Chapter 7

**So, as I've been going through these, it's made me a little curious as to which of you viewers are Hakkai fans and which are Gojyo fans. Obviously you like both of them if you're still reading this; consider this a poll—when you review this chapter, tell me who's your favorite. :D  
>Or don't. Up to you.<strong>

Mission Seven

Blood and Rain

The wind had picked up and now it was howling through the trees, and with the accompaniment of the driving rain pounding on the roof, the sound was maddening. Blue lightning crackled in the darkened night sky, directly overhead, and the thunder boomed a split second later. I stared through the raindrops streaming down the glass with a barely suppressed shudder. The night looked uninviting at best: cold and damp. The storm was violent and relentless, and there was nothing I would have liked more than to have a quick cup of tea and go to bed, hoping against all odds that the morning would be bright and sunny. I would do anything to avoid going out in this, but I knew I had no choice. Sanzo had been very specific about our time frame—it had to be tonight, and it had to be soon. Consequently, I had observed the sky anxiously since early in the afternoon, watching the dark, purple storm clouds roll in from the north, gathering ominously on the horizon and sweeping in over the town. By four-thirty, it had looked like night outside, and the rain started shortly after that. I saw it as a great personal misfortune that I had to leave the sanctuary of my home and venture into a tempest like this one.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I turned to take a glance around the house. It was peaceful, aside from the noise outside. I had a candle burning on the kitchen table, and I'd already put all the dishes left from dinner away. The faint light in the kitchen was warm and inviting, and suddenly, all I wanted to do was lie down on the couch and go to sleep.

Just the same, the house had an uneasy, almost foreboding feeling drifting through it now, a sort of emptiness and eeriness I couldn't shake. It always felt that way when it was empty and the weather outside was unpleasant. It was as if when Gojyo wasn't there to laugh and make fun of me for being afraid of the thunder, the house became little more than a sepulcher.

He'd gone out as soon as dinner was over, taking the typical, meager jacket and scorning me for advising him to stay home.

"A little rain never killed anybody."

"We do have to go and do that thing for Sanzo later tonight, you know." I said, struggling to find any way possible to keep him from leaving. Well, almost anyway. Obviously I could never tell him how loath I was to be left by myself when the rain was picking up by the second.

"I remember." He'd answered, pulling his hood up over his hair.

It was clear then that I had no chance at stopping him, so I let him go with a dismal, "Well, just make sure you're home by nine."

Gojyo hadn't answered me, though I know he'd heard.

It was eight fifty now, but I tried to relax. It wouldn't make sense for him to come back early, even if it was only by a meager ten minutes. I waited patiently for another twenty minutes, and then I began to feel annoyed. At twenty past nine, I resigned to the fact that he wasn't coming back soon, grabbed my own coat, an umbrella, and walked into town, feeling more and more agitated along the way.

He was at the bar, just where he'd said he was going to be almost four hours ago. He didn't seem intoxicated yet, thank goodness—going on a mission in the rain with drunk Gojyo would be perplexing, annoying, and unnerving—he was leaning against the bar, flirting with a girl who was wearing far too much make up and a very low cut dress.

When I saw him, my exasperation only grew. I had thought, perhaps, he'd gotten wrapped up in something, that he'd been held up against his will, but now it was clear that he'd either forgotten all about coming home by nine—which seemed unlikely to me—or had disregarded the mission all together for some unbeknownst reason.

I marched up behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder, a little more roughly than usual, "What are you doing?"

Gojyo turned to look at me, grinning obnoxiously, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, "Oh, hey, Hakkai. Nothin'. Just discussing the weather with my new friend here."

The girl giggled, but I couldn't imagine what was funny.

"Between you and me." I smiled, "I think you can do better. Now why don't we get moving?"

Gojyo's grin turned quickly into a mildly defiant stare. "Leave? I'm just getting warmed up."

"Yes, but you were supposed to be home almost forty minutes ago, or did you forget?"

"I didn't forget."

"Then what in the world are you doing? We have a very narrow window of opportunity to complete our task, and unless we leave immediately, we will lose our chance. I just assumed you were aware of our schedule, since I did remind you to come home by nine on your way out the door."

"I remember. I just don't see what it's got to do with me. Sanzo wants us to go all the way out there in the middle of this? I don't think so. He better do it himself."

Incredulously, I stared at him, and he went back to flirting with the woman. We were running out of time, and I couldn't wait for him to decide he was done here. I stepped between them so I was face to face with my room mate, "Excuse me, miss, I just need a moment alone with my friend, if you don't mind."

The girl gasped, indignantly, "I-"

"Please." I smiled at her. "Believe me, I'm doing you a favor."

Slowly, she walked away, glancing over her shoulder at him a few times as she went.

Gojyo was glaring at me now, completely unaware of the sexually transmitted disease I'd saved him from contracting, "What the hell, Hakkai? Since when are you a frickin' cock blocker?"

"You have plenty of time to play around with all the loose women you want later, but right now we have somewhere to be."

"I told you already, I'm not going."

"Why not? I thought the rain didn't bother you."

"It doesn't, normally. But look at this." He gestured to the window, just as another strike of lightning crackled right outside, "You wanna' get fried?"

"Of course I don't."

"Then let's just hang out here."

"Gojyo, if we don't go now it will be too late."

He turned to the bar, taking a sip from his drink, "Then it's too late. Big deal."

"Sanzo-"

"Like I give a shit about what Sanzo wants. There's no way I'm going out in the middle of this for that asshole, not when he won't even appreciate it."

"Oh, that's nonsense. You know as well as I do that Sanzo appreciates what we do for him."

"Has a funny way of showing it. That asshole can't just tell me what to do and then wipe his ass with me when I've done it. Not anymore."

"Of course not, but-"

"I'm not goin' Hakkai. I'm staying right here until the storm is over, and then I'm gonna' go home and go to bed."

I studied him a while, but he looked unshakably stubborn, and then it dawned on me why he was doing this. "Please tell me this isn't about the argument you and Sanzo had the other day."

"So what if it is?"

"So what? That's very childish of you, that's what."

"Oh, c'mon, do you think that dick would do anything for me right now if I asked him?"

"That isn't the point. We said we would do this for Sanzo, and if we don't it will reflect badly on our characters."

"Don't give me that shit, Hakkai—Sanzo doesn't like me, never has, never will, so what the hell do I care if it does make me look bad?"

I tried to think of a way to convince him. Sanzo and Gojyo had a tendency to squabble no matter what the circumstances were like, but the argument they'd had the other day had seemed more than usually harsh. A lot of cruel words had been thrown, and Gojyo had eventually stormed out of the temple in a huff. Still, when I'd met him back home, he'd seemed back to his normal self, and I had assumed it ended there. It wasn't very like him to hold a grudge.

Perhaps with a little persuasion he'd change his mind.

"Come now, don't you think you're taking this a bit too far?"

"Not really. That guy crossed a line."

"Sanzo doesn't mean the things he says, you know that."

"Actually, I don't know that. It all sounds pretty heartfelt to me."

Evidently asking him to forget his quarrel with Sanzo wasn't going to get me anywhere, and that meant I'd have to appeal to a different emotion entirely. "Do you honestly expect me to go out and do this alone?"

From his expression, I could see that he hadn't expected that, "No. Not really."

"Well then what do you propose I do?"

"Like I said, let's just chill out here. I know you're scared of the thunder and everything, so maybe some partying will keep your mind off it." He grinned again, more charmingly than his typical, impish smile, and I knew he was trying to win me over.

"I have an obligation to fulfill—I can't waste time here, drowning in debauchery with you."

"Oh, c'mon." He hung his arm off my shoulder, "Don't be that way. It'll be fun: we'll forget about Sanzo, forget about the storm, have a few drinks, go home and sleep like puppies."

"I'm telling you, I will not abandon my official compulsion to indulge in any unnecessary partying. Not tonight. And, if I may remind you, I have precious little time to waste arguing with you about it. However, keep in mind, I would rather not do this by myself, and since you, my partner, have agreed to take on this endeavor with me, it would be a noble gesture if you gave up your pursuits here and came along."

Gojyo's eyes were a little wide by the time I was done talking, and I thought he might actually change his mind. At last, he shook his head, "No. Just no. To whatever you just said."

"Fine." I snapped, utterly drained of patience for his obstinacy, hoping that any threat to actually go out alone would compel him to join me after all. "In that case, I'm off, and I will see you tomorrow."

"'Kay, bye."

I was at my wits end by this time: none of my devices had worked, and it looked as if I could throw myself onto the floor, begging, and he still wouldn't go. I lost it entirely, "You astound me, Gojyo, absolutely _astound_ me. It's as if every time I think you're actually beginning to grow up and take some responsibility for your actions, you purposely go out of your way to prove me wrong. Irresponsible, that's what this is!"

"Heard it before." He growled. "Sorry you can't seem to reform me. Now you leavin', or should I order you a drink?"

"I'm leaving, but only because I'm out of time to fight with you. And believe me, when I get home, we're going to discuss this whole thing further—by the time I'm done giving you a piece of my mind, you'll beg for me to let you prove that you can be reliable."

He drawled, unbothered, "Then I'll make sure I'm not there when you get back."

Outraged, I went back out into the night.

"Unbelievable." I muttered. "Absolutely unbelievable. I've never met anyone so bullheaded and erratic in my whole life. Imagine, committing to something and then backing out of it at the last second. Appalling." I walked a little faster, still cursing and complaining to myself.

The rain seemed to have picked up even more, and I quickly realized that I had left my umbrella back at the tavern, but I didn't have time to go back for it. My argument with Gojyo had already put me fifteen minutes behind schedule, and if I didn't hurry, I was going to miss my opportunity all together. The street was muddy as I slogged through town, heading due south; I turned the collar of my jacket up to keep the rain off my neck and trudged onward, but I felt that I'd grown considerably disheartened since Sanzo first described the mission to us.

According to him, a well-known criminal was passing this way, a man who'd been running amuck for over a decade now, and the Three Aspects had finally decided that he'd caused enough damage and he needed to be stopped. Sanzo had said, wryly, that he didn't like chasing after common murderers, so he wanted Gojyo and I to bring the man back alive. It was a fairly standard procedure, something we'd done before, only this time our villain, Jie-rui, was merely passing through the area, and by tomorrow morning, he'd be miles away, and we'd have to hunt him down. So we'd begun our investigation approximately a week ago, managed to learn where Jie-rui was coming from and where he would be around eleven o'clock at night, and we made our plan to lie in wait for him to pass our way. If we missed him it wouldn't matter so much, only I really didn't feel like chasing him all across the countryside.

All-in-all, the mission had been tormenting me ever since I'd been told about it. On one hand, Jie-rui was apparently a very violent, deranged sort of person who needed to be stopped. And yet, this all rang far too familiar in my mind. Never-the-less, I was determined to do what I'd committed to doing, and I thought it might even be exciting. Stake outs could be rather fun, if you took the right supplies and had the right company.

Now I found myself dreading the situation, but I couldn't decide if my anxiety had began when I saw the storm clouds this afternoon or if it was something that had been building in me all along.

Storms. Nothing could make me uneasy like a storm did. It always had since I'd first trudged through the mud and the rain and the night toward Hyakuganmaoh's castle. I could still recall the rage burning inside me. It had blazed right through the numbness and any fear I'd felt until all of my uncertainty and my worries had been eaten away, and I was left feeling nothing but the hate and the anger and the warm desire to kill.

I would have killed anyone that night, no matter who they were. If they had happened upon me along the road somewhere, I would have added them to my already substantial pile of victims. I was so wrapped up in all the things I was feeling, in my sense of injustice and my thirst for revenge, I was happy to kill. I wondered when I looked back, if I had thought I could make all my pain go away by forcing it onto others instead.

I turned off onto a path that was somewhat overgrown with weeds and looked considerably neglected compared to the main road, and hiked a ways up the hill there. Jie-rui would be coming by this way tonight—he was keeping to the back routes, staying out of sight, trekking through the wilderness more or less, hoping to go unseen.

Who could blame him? Being a killer was the greatest burden a person could bear, human or youkai. How you carried the weight of a man's corpse, and how his final, deathly cry was sealed in your mind, the way his blood was forever on your hands, none of it ever went away. Even if you found some way to justify it to yourself, or managed to find forgiveness, whether it be from someone else, or from your own miserable heart, you still had to live with what you'd done.

Jie-rui likely stayed in the background because he could hardly stand to look anyone in the eyes after taking so many lives. I knew it was difficult for me, even now.

At first, I had thought it would be impossible. I had thought I'd never be able to lock gazes with anyone ever again, and therefore I had robbed myself of even the most basic form of intimacy. It was hard to over come that…

Momentarily, I looked over my shoulder, but I wasn't sure what I expected. Gojyo said he wasn't coming, and so he wasn't. I didn't feel a bit surprised to see he hadn't come after me, and I knew he wasn't going to.

How selfish of him. I mean, naturally I was confident that I could deal with Jie-rui by myself, no matter how many comrades he had with him, and yet, I couldn't help feeling just a touch betrayed. I wasn't supposed to be doing this alone. I had a partner for a reason. I never would have made him do this, or anything even a fraction as dangerous, by himself; why did he think he could do whatever he wanted all the time? Didn't he have even the slightest sense of propriety?

We'd been living together for nearly two years, and I understood what made him the way he was: being orphaned and abandoned and such. Still, I didn't see any of that as a good excuse to leave me up a creek because he was angry with Sanzo.

_It could be that he expected me to cave in and stay there with him—he might have thought I was bluffing about doing this alone._

If that was indeed the case, he didn't know me very well. I would do this without him, and I wouldn't share any of the benefits for it either.

Continuing up the road, I glanced around the woods again, and they seemed to change before my very eyes. I didn't feel as if I was in the forest outside my home town now. I felt like I was again climbing the path to Hyakuganmaoh's castle, dagger in hand, the will to slay as many as would attack smoldering within me.

Maybe… I thought, it was no more than I deserved to begin with. After my appalling behavior, why should I expect anyone to stay with me? Murderers couldn't have partners anymore than they could have lovers. For a while, perhaps, but in the end, the darkness would destroy it all, and if you didn't watch it, those black desires might consume your own friends.

_How does one overcome such a feeling? How can one ever decide they're worth looking another person in the eyes again? How can one ever think they're worth touching another living person after they've created so many corpses?_

The memories shuddered inside me; I felt soaked, only the dampness, I imagined, was blood, not rain. The coldness eating at me was my own despair and the cancer of resentment, toward myself.

_I could have saved her, if I'd been there. This wouldn't be happening if I was where I was supposed to be when it happened._

It was my fault I was here now, alone, in the rainy night. I felt the drops hammering on my head like a million stinging needles, and I accepted the judgment and the punishment.

_I can't forgive myself. No matter what happens, I can never forgive myself…because I don't deserve to be forgiven._

Ultimately, I recognized that I was in this journey alone, and when I reached my destination, and I punished those who needed to be punished, killed the ones who deserved to be killed, I would still be alone. My life would be in my own hands from there on, and where did I have to return to? When all the blood was spilt, and those dying cries were trapped safely in my memory, who would I have to go back to? Who would accept me still, exactly the way I was, as a murderer and a criminal and a failure?

_If I can save her…will she forgive me?_

The question drifted through me before I could even understand it, but I had always known the truth. Even if I saved Kanan, it was possible she might detest me for what I'd done: when she saw how I'd destroyed the village and murdered the people living there, out of anger and misery, she would run from me.

_Then there will be nothing to go back to…_

"_Then I'll make sure I'm not there when you get back."_

Maybe he really wouldn't be. Maybe I would return home, drenched in blood, cold from the rain, exhausted from the fray, and I'd find myself alone again. But I knew I'd have no one to blame but myself.

I smiled contritely, "I am pathetic after all. Heartless and unworthy, as I've always been. Who am I to pass judgment on Jie-rui? Who am I to decide what he's done can be called a crime?"

Then again, who better to know a crime when they saw one than a criminal?

I stopped again, looked around, half-expecting to see the centipede demon's castle in the distance, illuminated by a flash of lightning.

_My beloved is in there…the only person I've ever truly loved…_

In the present, I didn't even have the reassurance of knowing that the castle still stood. It was as if the very event had been wiped from the face of the earth, and I alone bore it in my memory.

Reflectively, I flicked my limiter.

Now I had come to a place where the ground was a little uneven, and before me the hill dipped deep and low into a short valley. Behind me, the hill was more gradual. I could see for miles in both directions, and I had the higher ground, and therefore, the advantage. I stood there, the rain spraying around me, soaked and cold and miserable, and searched the area for any sign of life, but the night was completely still, aside from the storm. Jie-rui wouldn't be along for another half-hour or more.

I crouched in the bushes, just behind a boulder that was about half the size of my standing height, and waited.

With the right company, stakeouts could be fun. Alone, I was stranded in the middle of nowhere with nothing but bad memories and a heart full of pain. Nothing could be further from fun, and the rain only made it worse.

Once, a long time ago, before I lost Kanan, I think I used to like rain. I used to find it peaceful and relaxing, and there was a sort of comfort in it. I used to like nothing better than to hunker down on a rainy day with tea and a book. When I was in school, I got the most studying done on the dreariest of days. When I lived with Kanan, we'd sit side by side and talk, or simply enjoy one another's company as it thundered outside. One night, I'd never forget, we'd made love to the sound of the rain on the roof of our tiny house, and I only loved her and the rain all the more. At the time, it hadn't seemed the brutal, hateful thing it was now.

Sadly, I remembered the last time I'd embraced her, around the bars of her prison cell. I had thought I was fortunate to arrive in time. I had thought all my murder and rage had been worthwhile. I had assumed I could protect her. I hadn't thought I was going to lose her. For a moment there, I had assumed that I had been successful.

How wrong I'd been. I had learned that night never to assume anything like that ever again, no matter how easy it was to fall into assumptions.

Time seemed to drag by as slowly as possible, and the rain was relentless; before long I was soaked to the skin, and I felt stiff from sitting in the same position. I checked my watch and saw that only a half hour had passed, nearly couldn't believe it. It felt like I'd been sitting there forever already.

I lapsed back into my memories, desperately recalling Kanan's face: her soft hair and her green eyes, her gentle, soothing voice. It was strange to me to find that those things were still so fresh in my mind, as if it had only been a few days since I'd seen her, but I knew that as time went on, that memory would start to decay and rot away, much as Kanan's physical body had, and some day, I wouldn't be able to remember what she looked like. I might not even remember that I had loved her.

What a terrible thought; especially when I had held onto her memory so very tightly. I remembered the first few days after she died—back when it really had only been a few days since I'd seen her alive—spent lying in Gojyo's bed, sometimes drifting in and out of consciousness, sometimes fading into a memory world where she still alive; I'd wake up all but crying when I came back to reality where it was all too clear that she was gone forever. At times, I still couldn't believe I'd made it through that. Not when I was dreaming of how it felt for her to hold me one second and seeing her die all over again the next. There had been times since then that I thought the only reason I'd made it through those first couple of months had been because of Gojyo, and suddenly I wished he were here with me now; perhaps the rain wouldn't seem so horrible if he were. Somehow, no matter how obnoxious and rude and irresponsible he acted, he always seemed to cheer me up, even if it was only just a little.

_It hardly matters though. I am well aware that there is no one in the world who will be able to fill the hole Kanan made when she…_

"_The child of that monster is already…. Good bye, Gonou…"_

"_Kanan!"_

_Someone please kill me._

For the first time, I noticed voices drifting through the rain; it sounded as if they were coming from just behind me. I peeked up over the boulder and saw a group of men, thirty strong, coming up the road, all of them youkai. They had crested the hill without me noticing, and now having the high ground meant absolutely nothing. They were walking as if the rain didn't exist, singing and laughing and cursing at one another, and leading them was a man who matched the description of Jie-rui. He wasn't especially tall or well-built or anything, though he did look a bit more muscular than myself, but he looked dangerous and cruel just the same. His head was shaved, gleaming in the rain and the lightning, and his youkai birthmarks were along the crest of his skull. He had heavy, black eyebrow, encroaching down over his dark, lightless eyes, and a long, twisted smile.

Who were the other men though? They were the typical, colorful band of youkai bandits, but I hadn't heard a thing about Jie-rui having a gang of any kind, though I guess that didn't mean much, seeing how everything I knew about him was based on hearsay.

Wondering if I could do this, I looked down at my hands, but that was a ridiculous question. As a human, I had killed a thousand youkai. Now, as a monster, I had all the power I needed to slaughter anyone who came my way. And what was thirty men?

Still, it might have been helpful if I didn't have to do this all alone.

_No use wishing things could be different_. I told myself bitterly. It was about as productive as wishing Kanan were still alive.

They were getting away already, and I didn't want to have to chase them, so there was no time to hesitate. I got up from my hiding spot and stepped back onto the path, shouting to make my voice heard over the thunder, "Jie-rui!"

The entire mob stopped, looking back at me one by one, until the murderer himself was facing me with his cold eyes and his sadistic smile. "Yeah? Who wants to know?"

I took a step forward, but I didn't feel as confident as I should have; I still felt far away and listless. "My name is Cho Hakkai. I've come to arrest you and take you to the temple of Keiun in Chang'an."

All of them stared at me disbelievingly, and I knew what they were seeing, tried to envision myself through their arrogant eyes. I supposed I looked like nothing more than a sopping wet, scrawny child to Jie-rui. He was well over twenty years my senior.

"What're you suppose to be? Some kind of bounty hunter?"

"Not as such. I'm what you might call an errand boy."

"Is that so? And what if I don't want to accompany you to this temple?"

"I'm afraid you have no choice; if you do attempt to resist, I'll have no choice but to resort to force."

"You? Just you?"

"Yes. I think I'll be more than efficient."

He laughed, a booming, overconfident guffaw, "You got some guts there, Cho Hakkai, but that won't be enough."

"Oh, I have much more than guts." I smiled at him, but it was just force of habit. There was nothing to smile about right now. "See, I'm a killer, just like you. Well, not _exactly_ like you, after all, I'm somewhat better at it than you'll ever be."

Jie-rui, as it turned out, had quite a bad temper: that was all it took to upset him. He grumbled to himself, then asked a little more loudly, "Who in the world is this upstart, eh boys? Looks like he got outta' diapers yesterday and he's a better killer?"

"Put him in his place, boss." One of them cackled, "We need a sacrifice for the ritual anyway."

Ritual? Sanzo had breathed a word about a ritual. I wondered if Jie-rui had started some sort of cult and that was what he based his killings on.

"You know, that's not a half bad idea, Bing." Jie-rui drew a dagger from his belt. It was approximately the length of my forearm, but the blade had a foreign curve, a bit like a scimitar from the east. "All right then, little murderer. Let's see how you match up."

"It will be entirely my pleasure to show you just how insignificant you really are, Jie-rui."

He advanced toward me, showing me a yellowed row of angry teeth, and I could see how I'd gotten under his skin. It was no wonder he'd flown off the handle and started killing people if it was that easy to upset him.

I stood with my arms loose at my sides and watched him come. I'd done this so many times—I'd done this a thousand times—he was just another youkai I had to kill. Just one more notch on my belt. Another soul to add to the long list of nameless demons I'd slaughtered. And he was overconfident, I could tell by the way he spoke and walked and even the expression he bore. He wouldn't be expecting me to put up a fight. He'd never guess for a moment that a man as young as myself would be so practiced at killing.

I glanced down at my hands, thinking of just how good at it I was now, and just how easy it had become in such a short amount of time.

Jie-rui took a swing at my head; I hadn't even realize he was close enough to attack, and the scimitar came centimeters from lopping my head off. I sprang back, shoes slipping in the mud, fighting to keep my balance.

He charged at me, smiling all the more hideously, holding the dagger in both hands. He swung once, tip of the blade coming so close to my chest I felt it breeze by me. He cut the follow through short and took another slice at me, this time horizontally, aiming for my face.

I did a back flip, landing a few feet out of arms reach, and dove at him. I delivered a swift kick to his chin, and he staggered backward. I took the opportunity to punch him as hard as I could in the stomach, and this time he fell down. I sprang at him, sort of wishing I'd brought a weapon.

It might be argued that if I hadn't taken my own knife with me to Hyakuganmoah's castle, I might have been killed myself. I was a skilled martial artist, but against so many youkai, all armed to the teeth, it was something of a miracle that I'd survived that night. Of course, if I hadn't taken the dagger, Kanan would have had nothing to kill herself with, and perhaps she'd still be alive.

Jie-rui punched me in the face; pain split through my skull, and I stumbled back, cursing myself mentally for getting distracted. He followed the blow with another swing of the scimitar, and this time I was barely able to move in time, and the tip left a long, bleeding scratch across my forehead.

I backed away until I was out of reach again, holding my aching nose and feeling hot blood gushing between my fingers.

"Well, Cho Hakkai." He laughed, "You are a tough little guy, I'll give you that, but I don't think you're cut out for this kind of thing. Maybe in a million years you'll be as famous as me. If you live through tonight, that is."

What in the world was wrong with me? How could I be so stupid? I was in this life or death fight, and all I could think about was the past—if I didn't get my head in the game, I wasn't going to make it home to give Gojyo the lecture of his life.

I wiped the blood from my face and smiled back at him, "I highly suggest you stop underestimating me, Jie-rui. I'm somewhat stronger than I look."

"Show me."

Gnashing my teeth, I went at him; this time I attacked with lightning speed and precision. I bashed him full on in the eye with my elbow. He cried out in pain, and even as he was falling back, I darted around behind him, kneed him in the lower back, knocking him into the air, and then back down again. He landed roughly, splattering mud everywhere, and I stood over him, swiping more blood off my face.

So easy. Much too easy. I couldn't believe I'd let him injure me in the first place, though, I supposed, it couldn't be helped. I was an imperfect being after all.

Jie-rui tried to rise, but I kicked him down again, planting my foot on the back of his neck, "I suggest you surrender. I've got you utterly outmatched."

Come to think of it, I was far beyond imperfect. I was downright flawed. I was the biggest mess in creation. Born a human, destined to die a youkai. Both, and yet neither. Heart of one, body and mind of the other. And I'd lost everything, absolutely everything I'd ever loved, and now it seemed I was going to lose everything else as well, only this time it would be inside my own bitterness and darkness. Even if Kanan could have lived, I didn't think she could have gone on loving me as I was now—the man she loved died that night with her.

One of the men who'd been standing by watching suddenly attacked, coming at me in a barrage of fists, and I was so caught off guard, I barely had time to parry, got knocked a little off balance, and went on the defensive again.

Jie-rui took the opportunity to leap to his feet, back lashed at me, and this time I felt the dagger clip my side.

Angrier at myself than anything else, I attacked the man who'd interfered, decapitated him with a strike of my bare hand. His blood sprayed, mixing with the rain and spattering my face and shirt.

Finally, Jie-rui looked impressed. He nodded approvingly, completely unaffected by the death of the comrade who had just saved his life. "You are strong, aren't you, Cho Hakkai? You're not a human, are you?"

"Not anymore." I replied distantly.

"Hunh. Well, I don't know what _that_ means, but I know you're going to have to be a little more than the average youkai to defeat me."

He stepped back well outside my attacking range, and drew something from around his neck. In the rain, it was hard to make out what it was, but it appeared to be some sort of talisman, and as he held it between his hands and began to chant, it began to glow. First it was only a faint, gray light, but before long it was glowing dim lavender, and within a matter of seconds, the stone was charged with a vibrant, demonic shade of bright violet. Jie-rui's deep, guttural voice continued to fill the air, mixing with the thunder and the rain, rising and falling and rising again, like a gust of warm air, and I realized he was speaking in a foreign tongue. His men began to cheer and exalt him, mocking and taunting me, telling me I was going to die soon.

Caught in a blend of horror and fascination, I watched Jie-rui begin to change. That unholy, purple light engulfed him, and his body grew larger and stronger, more muscular, taller, and much, much more gruesome. His irises faded away, and then his eyes as well began to glow demonic violet. His fangs grew long and dangerous until his words were slurred and unintelligible, as did his youkai claws, and even his ears seemed to grow and grow. The shirt ripped right off him, and his skin took on a dark, muddy pallor. Before I could even begin to consider interrupting him, Jie-rui was gone, and a monster stood in his place.

If Gojyo were there, this would have been the moment he took to say 'holy shit.'

I, on the other hand, didn't have a spare second to utter a word. The monster leapt at me, and with a single swipe of his gigantic, clawed hand, sent me sprawling in the mud, and while I was on my back, still wondering what had happened, he jumped on me, grabbing the collar of my jacket and pulling me up, free hand raised to tear through me. Fortunately, I was strong enough to wrench loose, ripping my coat in the process, and dodged the strike, but his long, ragged nails still sawed through my chest.

Screaming in outrage, I punched him in the side of the face, and he swayed, kept his balance, and came back at me, swinging and swinging like he had an inexhaustible amount of energy. I danced out of the way with ease, watching for an opening or a weakness to exploit, but he was moving too quickly, and my mind began to wander again…

I had never encountered this type of skill-enhancing magic before. It was obviously a youkai art, but it was nothing like removing a power limiter. I had heard of such things, read about a few of the more common cases, but that was the extent of my knowledge. Back when I was in anthropology class, if someone had informed me that I'd be face-to-face with this sort of thing, I would have merely laughed them out of the room.

Those days seemed so far behind me now. School was a distant memory… How simple life had been then: I'd spend my days studying, my nights working to make ends meet, and my weekends with Kanan. She'd helped me understand so much back then. She'd helped me understand a great deal in the short time we'd had together. When I thought about it, we had only been together for a little over two years. It was such a brief point of happiness in my otherwise melancholy life. I wondered if I'd ever find that kind of peace and joy ever again.

Right now I was feeling pain. Sharp, hot pain, a disturbing contrast to the cold, numbing rain, running up the length of my abdomen. At first, I had a delusional thought that it was the wound I'd gotten in Hyakumoah's castle, still bleeding, even after all these years, and then I realized the blood was fresh, gushing uncontrollably from my stomach and chest. Gasping, I stumbled back, fitting my hands over the slices, feeling exactly how deep and brutal they were.

"H-how…?"

The monster Jie-rui laughed and spoke. His voice was so garbled now by the teeth in his mouth, I could barely understand him, "You cocky, little boy. Did you really think you'd be able to defeat me? It's pathetic. I almost feel sorry for you."

My guard…I had let my guard down. Now I was bleeding. Injured. It was going to slow me down…

_I have to stay focused._

I attacked again, wounds burning with the movement, rain blinding me; my blow missed and glanced off his shoulder.

With a cry, he heaved me up over his head and threw me like a ragdoll. I hit the ground hard, lay there dazed and moaning in pain. What was happening? I tried to make sense of it through my hazy thought process. I'd never had this much difficulty in a fight before…not in a long time at least. Had his magic technique really made him _that_ much more powerful?

_No…it's something else._ I realized. _Something wrong with me._

I raised my head. He was marching toward me, totally confident, unhurried, as if knowing he could destroy me was enough.

More pain carving through me, I forced myself to my feet, hovering back a ways, watching him come, trying to focus, and looking for anything that might give me an upper hand and help me win this fight.

The others were behind me now; perhaps they'd always been there. They strained forward, eyes gleaming, like ravenous wolves.

I clenched my fists, telling myself that the pain was nothing.

Jie-rui sprang again.

This time, I feinted to the side, kicked him in the stomach with all my might, and he stumbled forward, coughing and holding his guts. When he turned to me again, blood was streaming down his chin, being quickly diluted by the rain. He looked angry, and he waved the scimitar at me, "You will pay for that."

I waited, no longer feeling confident enough to exchange tough words with him.

He leapt straight up, ten feet into the air.

I sprang back, barely missed being crushed.

He swung; I tried to block. Pain drenched my whole arm.

Screaming, I socked him in his now-bruised stomach, aiming for the ribs I knew I'd broken.

Jie-rui roared. He caught me by the hair and jerked me forward. I planted the sole of my shoe square in his face, springing off him and landing roughly in the mud again.

What was wrong with me? I should have been stronger than him—much stronger—and yet I felt as if I was losing. I felt as if I couldn't quite master my grip on reality. I looked around at the youkai faces, and I saw the ghostly visages of people I'd killed once before, and the night grew more and more sinister with every drop of blood spilled; the rain closed in, shadowing over me and enveloping me in a misty trap.

_Kanan. _I thought. _I must get to Kanan._

_Kanan is dead. What are you thinking?_

_ No…no, there's still a chance. I can still save her._

_ What is the point of all of this anyway?_

_ It's for Kanan. …Isn't it?_

Jie-rui grabbed my throat, blocking my windpipe for just a second, and then he tossed me again, only this time, when I landed roughly, splattered in mud and rain and breathing hard, he stood over me, one heavy, booted foot pressing down into my chest, the scimitar-like blade hovering mere millimeters from my throat; he grinned demonically, and the lightning flashing just behind him made him look like the devil himself. "At least take comfort in knowing that you provided some entertainment for my men tonight: they were getting so bored with walking."

I felt the razor sharp edge, threatening to slice through the skin of my throat, and I realized this was the end. There was nothing I could do now—I'd walked into this unprepared, alone, and had allowed myself to be distracted by personal feelings and inclement weather.

I never should have come to do this alone. Sanzo had warned me this would be dangerous, had said that Jie-rui was deadly. Albeit he hadn't explained why exactly, but never-the-less, I should not have attempted to do this by myself, especially when I was feeling anything less than my best. Perhaps it would have been for the best if I'd looked outside, seen the gathering storm clouds, and joined Gojyo at the bar after all.

There was no help for it now. At any rate, I would be seeing Kanan again soon; I would see her lovely face and her beautiful smile. I would be able to touch her—even if it was just once more before I was condemned to hell, it would be enough.

_Just a little longer…_

"Say goodnight now, Cho Hakkai."

I closed my eyes. It wasn't like me to give up, but I was so tired…

_Just a little longer, Kanan._

Right behind me, I heard the drum of heavy footsteps; I had just begun to wonder what it was, when Gojyo sprang over me and kicked Jie-rui in the face. The impact was enough to knock him off of me, and he staggered back, holding a hand over his mouth.

I struggled to sit up, my arm still aching, "Gojyo?"

He was standing next to me, body tense in the stance he usually took when he was ready to fight; he didn't look at me, but he said, "You alright, man?"

I climbed to my feet, groaning as more pain sliced through my ripped torso. "Yes, of course, I'm fine. What are you doing here?"

Gojyo gave me his typical, apologetic smile, "Oh, I just figured I'd swing by and see how everything was going."

"Well, thoughtful as that was, it's unnecessary. I am perfectly capable of handling this on my own."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. So I'm guessing that freak's Jie-rui."

"Yes."

"I pictured him…different somehow."

"That is not his true form. He appears to be using some type of magic to enhance his power."

"It gonna' be a problem?"

"I think not. I should be finished here soon. Feel free to go about your business—I'd hate for any of this to interfere with your social life."

"You little punk!" Jie-rui snarled through a mess of drool and blood, and I saw that a few of his six-inch long teeth had broken when Gojyo kicked him, and his cronies had moved in a little closer. "Who do you think you are?"

I stepped past Gojyo, willing myself to pay attention, "Never mind him, Jie-rui. Your fight is still with me."

"I don't care! I'll put you both in the grave!" With a flash of his dagger, he darted forward, taking a wide, sweeping slash at the air.

I ducked under it, and Gojyo sprang to the side. We ran at him, one after the other, attacking simultaneously, but Jie-rui was able to get away with a few minor bruises, and then he was on the offense again, nearly took Gojyo's head off with the scimitar, and I saw a few strands of bright red drift to the ground.

The two of us landed shoulder to shoulder, well out of Jie-rui's range. "Woah! He's fast!"

"Well out of your league, I should say, now why don't you run on home?"

Jie-rui attacked again, cutting right between us, and we had to dive out of the way. It was a few minutes before we were side by side again.

"C'mon, Hakkai, just admit it: you're happy to see me."

"Astonished to see you is closer to the truth. I'm surprised anything could drag you away from your beloved bar wenches."

He nudged me with his elbow, "Naw, you can't fool me. I know you're happy I showed up. Now let's quit screwin' around and finish up here so we can go home. I'm tired."

"Feel free to leave whenever you like." I said coldly.

Gojyo grinned at me cockily, without a word, rushed Jie-rui again. I watched him a moment as he took swing after swing at his hulking opponent, knowing that by himself he would be fairly insufficient, and yet, as usual, that didn't stop him from fighting with all his heart, and then, slowly, the world around me began to clear. The rain seemed just a bit lighter, and the woods looked familiar and less foreboding, and before I knew it, this night bore no semblance whatsoever to the night I'd infiltrated Hyakuganmaoh's castle. It was strange how having someone with me broke up the very notion so seamlessly, how, when the loneliness was challenged by camaraderie, I felt like a completely different person.

_I'm Cho Hakkai…not Cho Gonou._

Smiling resignedly, I ran to join him, knowing I didn't need to remove my limiter, and I didn't need a weapon to defeat Jie-rui. I was enough.

We were enough.

I flew at Jie-rui, pretending to strike at his face and kneeing him in the injured stomach when he moved to block my attack.

Gojyo dove behind him, tripping him, and he stumbled, nearly falling on his own dagger as he struggled to remain upright.

Howling with rage, Jie-rui began to slice madly at the air around him, hacking and sawing at nothing until it appeared he was only shadow boxing.

"Dude's bat-shit." Gojyo muttered.

"Most psychopaths tend to have some mental abnormality or other."

Jie-rui's men were moving in now, looking as if they didn't know whether they should interfere or not.

"That could complicate things." I mused.

"Don't let it bother you, dude. I'll deal with those meatheads, you put that freak in his place. And try not to space out."

I wondered how much of my fight he'd seen, but I answered half-heartedly, "Do what you want."

He was already off. I heard shouts of pain and frustration rising up behind me as he tore into them.

I advanced toward their leader, who was still screaming and attacking nothing, putting myself in harm's way to penetrate his defenses. I ducked under another perilous swing of the scimitar to hit him in the stomach again, once, and then twice, and while he was howling in pain, seized his knife hand by the wrist, twisted the weapon away from him, and caught it smoothly.

Jie-rui looked at me as if he couldn't understand what had just happened, and then he came at me, trying to take my arm off with his claws.

I blocked with the scimitar, drove at him, aiming for his heart, but he stepped back.

His next swing clipped my ear, but I ignored the new burst of pain and gush of blood, running at him. The tip of the dagger sank into his stomach.

Snarling, Jie-rui staggered back, grasping at the fresh wound.

"Perhaps I was born to do this…" I mused. I felt that I was speaking to the rain itself, and to myself, and somehow, what I was saying didn't feel so much like a curse. It was just the truth.

"You'll pay! I snap your neck, Cho Hakkai! I'll kill you!" Roaring, he rushed at me, every intention of killing me with his bare hands, burning in his demonic face.

I closed my eyes.

"Hakkai!" Gojyo yelled. He was too far away to interfere this time though.

But I was ready. I sealed the black, haunting memories away, putting them back where they belonged, and I focused on this night. On what was in front of me now. Because I knew that if I continued to dwell on the past, I wouldn't be around to face tomorrow. It was a simple philosophy about time really, long and ancient, but something every being was born to recognize. That was why we all fought so hard to stay alive in the first place.

He was close now. I could feel him bearing down on me, even without seeing him.

I heard Gojyo shout my name again, a little closer this time.

_If I die tonight, all my memories pass away with me. Everything I've ever seen. Everything beautiful. Everything painful._

My wounds were burning more fiercely than ever, dizziness was besetting me, a sure sign that the blood loss was taking its toll, and if I didn't make this final strike, I would lose my chance forever.

Keeping my eyes shut, I took my swing, a smooth, concise attack that rippled through the rain. I felt the scimitar saw through bone. Burning drops showered around me, mixing with the icy rain.

Still, I was waiting for that final death blow, to feel that last splash of pain before the coldness of the end set in.

It never came.

When I opened my eyes, Jie-rui was standing in front of me, trembling; slowly, his head began to slide, slipping right off his shoulders. First his body slumped to the ground, head tumbling right after it, eyes still wide and crazed, mouth still gurgling, "I'll kill you… I'll kill you…"

I waited until the head was silent and there was nothing but the sound of the rain, before I finally said quietly, "Those who live by killing can't expect to be spared…it is a hard lesson to learn, isn't it?"

My eyes were burning, and for some reason, I felt desperately close to the edge. Perhaps it was only the weather.

Gojyo breathed a sigh of relief. "Shit. That scared me. Man. You're really brutal today, Hakkai."

With a clatter, I threw the scimitar down, slowly dropped to my knees, letting the mud and the blood pool around me in that oh-so-familiar mess of carnage and despair. I looked at my bloodstained hands, and they were shaking.

"I'm all right." I said, even though he hadn't asked—I suppose I knew he was thinking it. "You can leave now, if you like. I'll go and report to Sanzo."

He sauntered over and crouched in front of me, giving me a soul-searching look, "Hey. Maybe…maybe that's a bad idea, huh?"

"Like coming out here alone, in the rain? Never mind, I wouldn't want to inconvenience you." I gave a bitter, little laugh.

Gojyo just frowned at me, and I knew my mask wasn't working today. The smile wasn't holding back the agony. There were streams of something running down my cheeks, steadily, but I wanted to believe it was blood and rain, not tears.

"I'll never forget it." I could barely meet his eyes as I spoke, "I can still remember what it was like, so clearly…being in that place, killing all those people. At times, I fear that the memories of the ones I murdered will never leave me."

Gojyo didn't answer, took a long drag off his cigarette.

"Yet, I feel I've forgotten so many things from that night. I can scarcely remember how I got out of there alive, or how I came to be where I am now. There's nothing but a blur between Kanan's death, my transformation, and meeting you. It all happened so quickly."

"Maybe it's better like that." He answered softly.

"And maybe not. If it means forgetting the things that were most precious to me, is it really worth it to be free of the pain one day? It frightens me to think that, eventually, many years from now, I won't be able to so much as picture what she was like while she was alive."

"That's just life, pal. What're you gonna' do? Fight it forever?"

Tonight, I had nearly gotten myself killed, focusing so hard on things that might be better left forgotten. And for what?

_ Just to have a shard of a memory that does nothing but cause me pain._

My own weakness, my own wretchedness, my own imperfections, my own monster's face staring back at me from inside…Kanan would never have wanted to stay with me after what I did that night anyway.

"Cho Gonou is dead." I muttered.

Gojyo sighed and helped me to my feet, "Yeah, well _Hakkai's_ losing blood by the second, so how about we get moving?"

Unconsciously, I slumped against him, letting the arm that was usually so flippant in its contact support me, feeling its strength and warmth, "What did you come here for anyway?"

He snorted, "That's some thank-you."

"It's the best you'll get tonight."

"I know, I know. I shouldn'ta' let you come up here all by yourself."

"Nonsense. I didn't ask you to come rescue me."

"Still. Sorry. You never woulda' let me come by myself…"

"That's true…"

He nudged Jie-rui's head with the toe of his boot, "What about this nasty thing? Should we take it to Sanzo?"

I gave it an irreverent kick, knowing, even as I did so, how unlike me it was. "For once. Sanzo will have to take our word that the deed is done."

"Works for me. So, wanna' see if the doctor's home? Your arm looks pretty bad."

"Well…" I shut my eyes as he began to walk, letting him half drag me. "I'd really rather go home and sleep through the rest of this irritating, little storm, but I'd imagine you're going to be stubbornly against that."

He didn't say anything.

I added after we'd gone a ways, "I suppose it would have been best to take Jie-rui in alive—that _is_ what Sanzo requested—but he was really getting on my nerves, and I knew I'd need all my patience to walk home with you."

"Yeah. I'm still waiting for my lecture."

"I'm not sure I have the energy for it now. How on earth did you know where to find me anyway?"

Gojyo gave me a mildly bewildered look, "Because Sanzo told us where to go."

"Ah, yes… I assumed you weren't listening to his briefing, as usual. You never listen." I felt incredibly tired now, like I could lie dow, even in the middle of the mucky road, and just sleep.

Again, he was quiet.

"I'm sorry. Am I frustrating you?"

He shook his head. "Nah. It's just taking all my concentration to drag your bleeding ass down the side of the mountain."

"Hm. I'm getting blood on your shirt. I apologize."

"'S'okay. Just don't pass out on me."

Just once, as we walked away, I felt the urge to check over my shoulder, just to see if Hyakuganmaoh's castle wasn't somewhere in the distance after all, and then I realized I didn't want to. I didn't want to see or consider that terrible place ever again.

"I'm glad you came." I admitted after some more time had passed. "I don't mean to be ungrateful. I really am glad…you changed your mind. It was idiotic of me to do this alone."  
>"The rain. It really puts you in a weird mood, doesn't it?" He asked with a tentative voice, taking care not to step on anything sensitive, I was sure.<p>

"Yes." I took a moment to consider the thoughts I'd had earlier, chanced another look around, making sure everything was as it should be, "I suppose it does."

"Why is that?"

I considered explaining it all to him: the way I used to love the rain, how Kanan and I had enjoyed countless storms together, and how the terrible storm that had raged the night she killed herself seemed to go on inside my mind, but in the end, it was something I had to carry on my own. At least for a while longer.

Instead, I smiled at him, a distant mirror of his own impudence, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

We walked a ways further in silence, and just when I was sure he had no answer to that, he said, "Y'know…forgetting stuff is weird. Sometimes you do forget all the things that seemed like they mattered at the time—stuff that was a big deal when you were a kid—I guess that's just…how it works, or something. But I don't think you ever lose the things that are actually important."

And somehow, that made sense in its own primitive, conflicting way, just as many of the simple things he said did.

_In time, I suppose I may forget what you looked like, Kanan. I may even forget what it was about you that I loved so much..._

_But I will never forget that you existed, and I will never forget that you were mine once._

"You're right. And I know that it's impossible to prevent the natural fading of my memories for the rest of my life, so no, I suppose I won't keep fighting it. Not forever." I answered when a long time had passed, "But still…I don't think I'm ready to let it all go. Not just yet."

"That's cool, dude. Last I checked, it was your battle to fight. Nobody's rushing you."

The words brought a weary, half-delirious smile to my lips, and I felt the strange comfort of having him beside me, somehow bearing the pain in a way I'd never expected, and then it occurred to me that, in the last couple of years, that feeling of having someone to laugh when I laughed and cry when I cried, had become familiar, almost as if it had always been that way, and when the lightning crackled above me, and I searched the illuminated woods for the faces of old enemies and monsters, I found that there was nothing but the night and the storm, and the two of us.


	8. Chapter 8

**Note: This one might be my favorite, so enjoy, and let me know what you think.**

Mission Eight

Questions about Love

"…_you must know by now…no one will ever love you…"_

I jolted awake, body lurching but not quite jumping. I didn't sit straight up gasping and shaking, holding back a scream like I did sometimes. I came back to reality a little more suddenly than I wanted to though…

Lying on the cold, hard ground, feeling a nicotine fit already starting, the way I always did in the morning, shivering under the pale light of the barely-risen sun, dirty, grimy, stiff…sort of old.

_How old?_

_ I'm only twenty-one._

Damn, I was way too young to feel this frickin' old. I turned onto my back, slowly, moaning slightly, and looked up at the ice-gray sky. There were sharp, slate-colored clouds slicing through it, and a hazy reddish brown in the distance. Not at all a clear, beautiful morning.

_Empty._

I suddenly felt very, very alone, like I was the only person under that smoky morning sky.

And that dream…

What in the world was it? I tried to think about it, but the thoughts themselves were elusive and blurry, and they kept slipping through my fingers. Whatever it was, it wasn't a good dream, I knew that much. Was it a nightmare?

I shivered from the cold again and closed my eyes.

No, not exactly a nightmare either. Maybe it was a memory.

_You must know by now that no one will ever love you._

Whatever it was, it sure made me feel lonely. Lonely and very, very far away, like everyone I knew had drifted into the distant, chalky sea, never coming back…

I turned my head and saw Hakkai lying next to me; not quite an arm's length away, flat on his back, hands folded over his stomach, eyes lightly shut, like sleeping on the ground was perfectly comfortable. I thought it was weird that I'd woken up before him, but then again, it wasn't the same as being home in my own bed, and I hadn't gotten drunk last night, so it wasn't like I had a hangover to sleep off.

Stiffly, I sat up. I just wanted a cigarette to clear my head and get my mind off things. What things I wasn't exactly sure, just the gross feeling the nightmare I couldn't remember left behind, I guess.

The jagged clouds above me drifted, and I sat there, smoking cigarette after cigarette, waiting for Hakkai to wake up, feeling like I was on the edge of the world, all by myself. Hakkai being next to me should have made me feel like there was someone there, but it didn't help. The silence was driving me crazy. There were just a few early birds in the trees, chirping in a quiet, morning tone, catching worms, whatever else birds did. Morning sex or something.

Wouldn't I love that? It had been forever since I'd had morning sex.

_No one will ever love me anyway._

Woah. Where did _that_ come from?

I brushed the hair back from my forehead and tried to focus. I wasn't going to let the fucked up memory-voice in my head get to me.

_It's true though, isn't it? Having a girl who's willing to fuck you isn't the same as having a girl who's going to love you._

Suddenly, I felt the urge to wake Hakkai up. Just reach over and shake him, or punch him in the head or something.

The question was, would he wake up angry? Maybe he'd rip my arm off before he even realized what he was doing. Maybe he just laugh it off and make some under-handed joke. He was a morning person, after all. It might not even bother him.

Not yet. It was still super early—I wouldn't want to be awake at this hour if I didn't have to be—I'd let him sleep a little bit longer.

I lit another cigarette and kept smoking; before long, my stomach was growling. I thought about digging into the pack of supplies to see what kind of food Hakkai had brought, but in the end, I just didn't care enough. I was used to feeling hungry, even now. I guess two years of eating a decent three square meals a day still couldn't compare to almost ten years of being hungry all the time. Just like old habits die hard.

Yeah, I'd probably smoke and run around and gamble and shack up with loose women for the rest of my life.

_Well, why the hell should I? Just 'cause that's what I'm used to doesn't mean it's all I'll ever have._

I studied Hakkai again. He looked so…peaceful in his sleep. Totally innocent. He had such a girly face already, and when those eyes weren't alive, sharply watching everything, shooting the occasional, piercing 'I'm murderously serious' look, it was hard to imagine him being anything near to the killing machine he actually was. Maybe to people who only knew the surface of Hakkai—polite, charming, friendly, well-educated Hakkai—it would be impossible to picture that, whether he was sleeping or not, but I knew exactly what he could do with those bare hands, and I knew he was anything but peaceful, sweet and innocent.

Still, he definitely had acting the part down to a science. What was Hakkai if not a good homemaker?

_I got used to living with him. It took a while, but I did it; who says I couldn't get used to living another way? With a woman or something. Who says I couldn't get used to having a steady girlfriend…or even a wife…?_

The thought made me uncomfortable. It didn't make sense to sit there and feel uncomfortable about a thought I'd had, but still…

There was that needle jabbing me in the back of my mind. _You gotta' be in love to do that, Gojyo. You gotta' love somebody before you go out and marry them._

Even then, they had to love you back.

_And you already know no one's ever gonna' love you. No one can._

That was enough of that.

Barely thinking, I reached over and shook Hakkai's shoulder, gently; much more gently than I wanted to. I wanted to shake him as hard as I could and scream in his face, but I managed to control myself and just lightly nudge him. "Hey. Wake up. C'mon, man."

He muttered something about vacuuming the table cloth, or some crazy thing, shifted a little, and went right on sleeping.

I shook him roughly this time. "Hakkai? Hey, wake up. Can you hear me?"

At last, his eyes flickered open. He looked confused for a split second, and then his gaze came into focus, and he looked up at me, "Is something wrong?"

"What? Uh, no."

He glanced around, obviously noticing how early it was. It couldn't have been past six, even though I'd been sitting there feeling like shit forever.

With a heavy sigh, he sat up, "If nothing is wrong, what did you wake me up for?"

"Dunno'." I took a drag off my cigarette, "Just thought we should get started."

"It's still quite early, isn't it? There's no rush, you know."

I waited for a moment, not sure what I was waiting for, and then I realized I was just expecting him to throw a fit and lecture me about…something. Anything really. Maybe, in a weird way, I wanted him to. "Sorry."

"Never mind. Perhaps if we get an early start we'll get home before midnight tonight. Assuming we find it today, that is."

"Right."

"Are you hungry? As I said yesterday, we have to ration what we eat—God forbid we should run out of food while we're up here—but that certainly doesn't mean we should skip breakfast. It's important to start the day with a little energy."

"Yeah. I guess."

He dug through the pack and got out a couple of apples, handed one to me and set to cutting his in two. As he was eating it, he looked up, "The sky seems rather ominous this morning, doesn't it?"

I took a bite out of my own apple, half-hoping that if I ate, the empty feeling inside me would go away. "Yeah."

Hakkai glanced at me, I could feel him analyzing me, and then he asked, casually—very casually—"How did you sleep last night?"

"Dunno'. Okay."

Okay for sleeping on the ground at least. Not to mention waking up at the ass crack of dawn; who could explain that? I guess it had something to do with that bizarre dream.

"…_you must know by now…no one will ever love you…"_

What a messed up thing to say to somebody. I mean seriously

But she was right in the end anyway. No one had ever loved me, not in my entire life: my real parents were so ashamed of me they killed themselves—I'd wondered a lot when I was a kid if my real mother would have loved me if she'd gotten the chance, but as I'd gotten older had realized the answer to that was really, really obvious—my step mother tried to kill me, Jien took off like it was nothing…and as for all the women I'd ever been with…well, they were always gone in the morning, weren't they?

Or I was.

I tried to think about the longest I'd ever gone with one woman. I guess there was that one girl… Damn, I couldn't even remember her name now. Something western, I think. Candy or Cookie or some kind of food. Sweetie maybe? Wait no. It was Lolli. And she was a whore who happened to like me a lot.

Fucking Lolli eight nights in a row when I was fifteen didn't count as love…did it?

_I haven't got a clue._

I realized Hakkai was still talking.

"Um, what?"

He got this weird look all over his face and he repeated himself slowly, "I said, if you're ready to go we might as well get moving."

"Oh, right." I got up, stretching, still feeling stiff. I should have felt better now that Hakkai was awake—that was why I'd woken him up in the first place—but I still felt far away, like I'd have to scream at him just to be heard.

Oh well. It wasn't the first time I'd felt this way, and it wouldn't be the last, so I'd better get over it, because right now, I couldn't afford to be distracted.

We started walking. We walked and walked, but I felt like we weren't getting anywhere. For two days we'd been hiking through the mountains: it was cold, and I was tired and sick of climbing cliffs and steep hills, but today, I didn't feel like complaining. If anything, I just wanted to put my body on auto-pilot and think about nothing. It wasn't like I was moping, just today didn't feel right. I guess that stupid dream really fucked with me one way or another.

We walked, and here and there Hakkai stopped to look at the trunk of a tree, or tracks or whatever. I didn't pay much attention to what he was doing, as long as we found was we were looking for soon, it didn't matter.

When we'd gone a long time in silence, maybe he got nervous, or the quiet bothered him or something, but he broke it suddenly, "We must be closing in. The trail is very fresh."

He was quiet again. I knew he was waiting for me to say something.

"With any luck, we'll catch up within a couple of hours."

Yes, he was definitely trying to get me to say something. I guess I was acting weirder than I thought I was, and it occurred to me that I hadn't made a single joke since he woke up. I wasn't even complaining.

"It won't take us long to get back down the mountain, so I expect we'll be home before it gets _too_ late."

I tried desperately to think of something to say, but nothing came to mind at all.

"We might even have time to have a quick drink at the bar before we go back to the house."

I should have thought of a million things to say to him by now; after all, he was giving me every opportunity in the world to say _something_, and I just couldn't think of a single thing.

"Is climbing this mountain so utterly annoying that you've actually lost your ability to complain about it?"

Finally! A question. Something I had to respond to. God help me if I didn't.

"No."

I knew that left him completely dissatisfied, but it was the best I could do.

Dammit, why couldn't I just say something to him? We were climbing the highest, most treacherous mountain in Southern Chang'an, because Sanzo told us to, looking for a monster of all things. We had a super vague description of it, and the only reason we had to go after it in the first place was because it had been attacking people and had killed a couple monks from Keiun temple. It was just another thing I thought Sanzo should have been dealing with himself, just another thing he'd shoved off on us, but I couldn't even make a comment about how I didn't want to get eaten by some freak of nature while doing dirty work for a lazy, selfish, pansy-ass priest.

None of that mattered to me right now though, because I couldn't stop thinking about Lolli. I hadn't seen her in five years now, but fucking her eight nights in a row had made me familiar enough with her body. I remembered there was a little mole on the inside of her left thigh, and how she had a really annoying, high-pitched voice. That, and her shaved pussy always made me feel like I was doing something dirty with a ten-year-old. Of course, that was when I was a kid, so what the hell did I know back then.

I thought about that high, childish voice moaning my name. _…oh, Gojyo… I love you…_

I think I used to think I loved her too. By the second or third night—I guess I thought I was really special to her or something.

But fucking Lolli eight night in a row wasn't love. Even I knew that. Even _then_ I knew that: having a girl to screw around with wasn't the same as having a girl to love you.

_Well, maybe it is. It's not like I know the difference._

_ Who does?_

Hakkai was giving me this stern, half-confused, on-the-verge-of-annoyed, 'you better say something to me now' look, and I could hardly blame him. Walking through the mountains with a guy who refused to talk was going to get boring fast. Past that though, I recognized that I was starting to worry him, and if I didn't say something soon, he was going to start with the questions, and the last thing I needed today was for him to try to get inside my head.

"Hey Hakkai." I spoke so suddenly, I think I startled him. "What's it like to be in love?"

He looked at me, wide-eyed, shifted the pack on his shoulders, but it was just nervous energy—no way that little backpack was too heavy for the killing machine—he gaped a couple seconds, "Why in the world are you asking me that?"

"Makin' conversation. This walk's boring."

"Yes, I think so too—I certainly hope we find that monster soon. It will be nice to take the frustration out on something. Don't you think?"

Was he trying to _distract _me? It wasn't going to work.

"You were in love once, right? …With Kanan."

"Yes." He answered lowly, "I suppose I was."

"So what? You guys lived together? Fucked each other?"

Hakkai looked torn between outrage and bewilderment, like he didn't know if he should be really pissed at me or if he should be asking me if I felt all right, but I knew he was totally offended.

I didn't mean to offend him; I didn't even think it _would _offend him—it probably wouldn't have, if it weren't about Kanan.

"How could you even ask me that? Don't you already know the answer?"

"It's like having a fuck buddy?"

"What?"

"I said, is it like having a fuck buddy?"

Hakkai almost tripped over a rock the size of my head, looked at it like it was supposed to explain how it had gotten to be right in front of him, stammered, "A-are you asking me if being in love is like having a _fuck buddy_?"

I shrugged, "Guess so."

"Gojyo. Gojyo…" he shook his head, pityingly, "Gojyo, please tell me that's one of your extremely distasteful jokes."

I met his eyes. "Do I look like the guy who knows?"

"Naturally, you can _infer-_"

"I don't even know what that word means."

"Still, even you should be able to understand the differences between those two things."

"Well, I don't. I'm asking you to tell me."

"No." He snapped. "Being in love is nothing like having a fuck buddy. And for the record—"

"Why not?"

"Because, for one thing, there's some commitment involved with love, not to mention an over all sense of responsibility, both of which you know absolutely nothing about."

I took the jab with a contrite smile. I had really tweaked him just the right way—it wasn't often I set him off without at least a few minutes of rubbing him the wrong way.

"And for the record, Kanan and I were _not_ fuck buddies."

"I know." I answered softly, mostly to show him I didn't mean any harm, "You loved her."

My tone made him hesitate at least, which was good. I didn't want him to think I was purposely trying to push his buttons.

"But that isn't enough, right? They gotta' love you back, don't they?"

"Among other things." He answered tiredly.

How in the hell did you achieve that? I climbed an especially tall boulder and stood on top of it a couple moments to start up another cigarette, and Hakkai kept walking. He was probably sorry he'd succeeded in getting me to talk to him.

So even if you fell in love with a girl—and don't ask me how _that_ happens—you had to get her to love you back. It sounded like some kind of impossible jigsaw puzzle to me, but either way, when all was said and done, you were in love.

I leapt down from the boulder and jogged after him, "Yeah, well, how do you know when you're in love?"

Hakkai looked incredibly annoyed, and he wouldn't even glance at me as he answered, "Believe me, you'll know. Even _you_ would know if that happened."

"So all that shit about not being able to eat or sleep, always thinking about them, being totally miserable and whatever, that's all true? That's how you know?"

"Honestly, I can't understand why you're asking me these ridiculous questions, but since I'm sure you won't stop asking until I answer, let me just say that it's likely a case-by-case basis. Some people become incredibly lovesick, but that's usually because they're unsure of how the other person feels about them."

"Right, so how do you figure out if someone loves you back?"

"I don't know, Gojyo. You just do."

We were cresting a hill now, it was steep and rugged, but I hadn't even noticed what a pain in the ass the climb had been, I'd been so occupied by the conversation. Below us, there was a deep, dark valley, not quite a canyon, full of dense, tall trees and a ton of overgrowth. Somewhere down there, I heard a bubbling stream. We started to descend into the valley, picking our way along carefully. Dirt came loose wherever I stepped, and I slid a couple times, but it wasn't too bad, and once I'd gotten a system worked out, I asked, "But how?"

Hakkai sighed exasperatedly, "You just _do_."

"_How_?"

Hakkai stopped and looked at me, and in his tone I could hear that he was purposely trying to hurt my feelings, "Your older brother must have really gotten sick of you."

He kept walking.

I hung back a ways, shoving hair out of my eyes and flicking my cigarette, trying to decide if I should fly off the handle. In the past that hadn't worked, and I didn't feel like dying in this valley. Also, I thought maybe it was true.

_…no one will ever love you…_

"He did." I called after him quietly. "That's why he left my ass behind."

It was just a joke, I guess. I knew it wasn't true. Or else, I thought I knew it wasn't true. Maybe I'd just told myself a million times it wasn't true, and now I almost believed it. Whether it was true or not, Hakkai stopped and sighed again, shoulders heaving, and then turned to look up at me.

"I'm sorry, Gojyo, that was uncalled for—I didn't mean it."

"Forget it, man. No big deal."

"No. It was utterly tactless, and it was cruel. I never should have said it."

"Really, Hakkai, don't sweat it."

He looked skeptical, like he couldn't quite believe I was actually letting it go, and then he went on, "Still. You do realize I don't enjoy this conversation, don't you? As a matter of fact, it seems to me that you're purposely trying to ask every painful question you can imagine."

I slid down the hill to him, "I totally appreciate how much this sucks for you. Now be a dude and tell me _how_."

"What do you want me to say? It's not the same for everyone. I…knew…that is, I found out, because I was honest with her about my own sentiments. I don't know how other people find out, but I suppose there's an infinite number of ways to go about it."

We kept walking.

I was quiet a while, more nervous than anything to ask him something else, especially since now he was giving off a heavy 'don't ask' vibe.

At last, I dared to say, "Hey, I know you prob'ly hate me right now-"

"_What_. Gojyo?"

"It's just…I don't get it. What the hell're you supposed to do with yourself if you fall in love with somebody and they don't care about you? …That way at least."

"Having never had that problem, I'm not sure what to recommend. Suicide seems to be a popular answer."

I laughed. I don't know if he was kidding or not, but it seemed right to laugh. This situation was in desperate need of humor. Or else I just really needed something to laugh about. I felt bad about pushing his buttons, but I didn't know what else to do at this point. That nasty dream voice was still slinking around in my memory, and if I thought about it too long, I'd just fall into a mood. I didn't really like being in a mood. It was hard to pick up chicks when I was in a mood.

_What chicks am I gonna' pick up way the hell up here?_

Slowly, Hakkai forced an insincere smile, "I don't recommend that route, by the way. It's…gruesome…to say the least."

I pounded his back, "Hey, buddy. Don't go into your dark place, okay? I don't wanna' die down here, if I can help it."

"Some things." He answered faintly, "Are much better left unsaid, don't you think?"

"I know. I'm sorry. It's…" I threw my cigarette down, suddenly angry at myself for making him think about this shit, "Fuck. I'm really sorry, 'Kai…I ain't tryin' to be a dick or nothing…"

"Then what _are _you doing? Could it be that you've finally met a woman who means something to you?"

I didn't answer. I think, at the time, I didn't exactly want to admit the truth out loud.

"Or are you trying to tell me you've fallen in love with _me_?"

"Pft. Fuck _that._ Don't even joke about something like that."

"I wasn't joking."

That was the scary part.

"No. Absolutely not. You stay in your own freakin' bed."

"Believe me, I require no convincing whatsoever in that respect."

"Good. Why're we even talking about this? Let's forget it." I did want to drop it now, especially since I was noticing a gross, musky smell coming from somewhere in the darkness below us, and it was bothering me.

"Gojyo." He said when we'd gone a ways further, "This really isn't about a woman?"

I flicked my lighter. Judging from the smell at the bottom of this valley, we'd be fighting soon, so I might not need a cigarette at this particular moment, "No. Of course it isn't. You shittin' me?"

He barely turned to look at me.

"It's just…I really don't know. You know?"

"I know you don't."

"I dunno' if it's my fault or what, but…I guess maybe knowing about it in a textbook, 'I read about that' kind of way is better than not having the first clue."

"It's not as if you're incapable of it, you know. If you wanted to be more serious about your love life, you could be, and that would certainly be better than understanding love vicariously."

"I guess so." Suddenly I felt really, really tired, but why bother telling him all the sad, pathetic details? I didn't need his pity.

"_Oh, Gojyo, don't you see I'm doing you a favor? After all, you must know by now that no one will ever love you anyway."_

_Thanks for the favor, Mom._

Hey, for all I knew I was lucky. How many people did I know who wound up either dead or super fucked up over love? All my parents—biological and otherwise—Hakkai, dozens of losers at the bar. Maybe I was the smart one.

"Why would anyone even wanna' fall in love?" I mumbled, but I was just talking to myself now. "Sounds like a lot of trouble."

"It's not." He answered immediately. "Well, it's not _easy,_ but it's well worth the effort it takes. It was to me anyway." He added very, very quietly.

I wondered if it was worth it to watch her die right in front of him. I wanted to ask, was it worth it to go through all that hell, trying to save her, just to be unable to? Was it worth losing his humanity? Was it worth winding up where he was now? Didn't he think maybe he would have been a million times more successful if he'd never met her?

I'd have to be the biggest jackass in the world to ask _those_ questions; instead, I tucked my lighter back into my pocket. We were near the bottom of the valley now, and the rank smell was worse than ever, and the birds had stopped singing. I slung my arm around his neck and grinned, no matter how fake and horrible it felt to smile right then, "You're right. I have no idea what I'm talking about."

Let him go right on thinking he was the lucky one if he wanted. He was lucky in everything else he did, so what if I had a leg up on him in just one stupid, useless phase of life?

To my surprise, Hakkai rested his hand on the back of my neck, just for a second. He wasn't much of a touchy guy, so I didn't even know how to react or what it meant, and it was there so briefly, I didn't exactly have time to ponder it, but still, I got this sense, from the way he looked at me, how our eyes locked, and the apologetic, little half-smile he gave me…was he pitying me? Was that solitary, momentary, arbitrary touch on the neck his way of saying he was sorry? His weird way of comforting me?

I stared at him a while, not sure what to say, feeling stupid for letting such a tiny gesture throw me off so bad, and then he shrugged out from under my arm and announced, "Well, it appears we've arrived."

Running my hand through my hair, I looked around. It was pretty dark at the bottom of the valley. The trees were growing close together, so the canopy was tightly-knit, the sun barely finding its way through, and they seemed to be closing in like walls. The ground was a little muddy and damp, the grass growing tall, and the flat bottom of the valley was only a couple miles wide; I could see the other side of it ahead of me, just as tall and steep as the wall we'd just climbed down to arrive here. It was long though, stretching for miles in both directions. There was a small river there, bubbling along cheerfully, but the rushing water was the only sound I heard. The birds weren't even singing, and I noticed there wasn't any wind rustling through the leaves. The musky smell was overpowering—it was the only thing I could smell, and I felt like it was clogging up my senses. I turned a few times, looking for any sign of the thing we were supposed to be hunting.

"I don't see it." I said, after we'd stood there a few minutes, saying nothing and listening to nothing.

"No, neither do I. The tracks led straight here though…perhaps it has some sort of lair it retreats to."

"What is it supposed to look like?"

"Sanzo said no one knows, remember? The only people who have ever seen it are dead now, and aside from that, there have only been short glimpses of it. Not enough to create an accurate picture of it."

"But it's not some renegade youkai, right?"

"I think not. Judging from the tracks, it's too large, and it's not humanoid."

"Right. Well, I don't think it's down here, so what about the trail?"

Hakkai began to circle the perimeter, mumbling to himself and kneeling down here and again. I stood by and watched and smoked and sighed and wondered when I'd ever get to go home. I was starting to feel hungry again, and I was still lonely. There was a new girl in town—I'd seen her a few nights ago at the bar—but I didn't know how long she'd be around. It could be she was just passing through, or maybe she'd still be there when I got back. If she was the slutty type, she could be up for a decent roll in the hay. If she wasn't the slutty type, maybe I could convince her that a good fuck was exactly what she needed at her age, or ethnicity or whatever I could come up with. Fortunately, love wouldn't be there to interfere.

_Yeah, and when that's over, you get to go back to being all by yourself. You're the big winner, huh Gojyo?_

"Fuck." I muttered under my breath.

Hakkai came back to me, "Well, according to the tracks, it should be right here. I can't see that it climbed up anywhere, and the trail doesn't seem to be leading anywhere."

"Couldn't it have gotten in the river and walked away?"

"I believe I'd see some trace of that." He said in that annoyed tone that let me know he was insulted that I'd think he hadn't thought of that.

"Okay, so where's the trail end?."

"It's just as I said: right here. It should be right-"

Simultaneously, we looked up.

_It_ grinned back at us.

"Holy…shit…Hakkai…"

It was definitely the most hideous thing I'd ever seen. It was about eight feet tall, and it had what almost looked like a ram's head, with big, looping, twisted horns and little lamb-like ears, only there were rows and rows of gleaming, sharp teeth in its smiling mouth. From the way it was perched in the tree, I could see that its arms were a little too long, its emaciated, skeleton torso _was_ very humanoid, but the rest of it was freakish. Its legs were thick and powerful, and from the way it sat on its haunches, I assumed it moved kind of like a rabbit or a monkey—hopping for the most part. Its tail resembled a kangeroo's, and it had these gigantic paws, three-toed, with long, black claws. Unfortunately, its hands were humanoid, along with the rest of its upper body: five fingers, just like mine, and these wicked, long, claws, like a youkai's, just perfect for slicing, dicing and mutilating. The whole thing was completely hairless, its flesh a pale, gray-blue with a texture a little like a lizard's. Its eyes were bright, glowing red, and I could see how hungry it was just by looking at them. With a skinny, little waist like that, I'd be hungry too. The damn thing looked totally starved.

Excuse the hell out of me if I couldn't feel bad for it when it was looking at me like I was its next meal.

For a couple minutes, it perched there and looked down at us, cocking its head and chirping, crooning like a bird.

We stood perfectly still.

"Great, we found it. Now what?"

"Sanzo requested that we dispatch it…at any cost."

"_Any_ cost?"

"That's what he said."

"Shit, I'm not dying down here."

He laughed a little, "You might make a good distraction. Red is a very noticeable color in the animal kingdom."

"Hakkai, that _thing_ is not an animal."

It suddenly opened its mouth—it was disgusting how far its jaw could extend—and inside I could see all those sickening, sharp teeth, and a long, serpentine tongue, the color of vomit. It let loose a shriek that lifted up to the smoky sky and rattled the trees, shook the ground itself, and gave me an instant headache.

Screaming, I staggered back, hands clasped over my ears, "Goddamn!"

With one powerful flex of those ridiculous legs, it sprang from its tree branch, soared through the air, and I half expected it to sprout butterfly wings or some shit; it landed heavily, right behind me. I spun around, shouting, just as it thrust its ugly head at me, nostrils expanding as it took a whiff of my shirt and my hair.

I guess it liked what it smelled, because I swear it looked me right in the eyes and grinned.

_Well, hello there, snack._

"Bring it on, you piece of shit." I grated out. I didn't even have time to check if my ears were bleeding.

That disgusting tongue emerged from the jagged cave of its mouth, snaking toward me, oozing a nauseating, blue saliva that smelled a lot like bile and human blood.

It shrieked again, a sound way too much like a woman's voice, and took a swipe at me. The action was random and lazy, playful almost, like a cat pawing at a mouse.

I leapt back, feeling the tips of those deadly claws barely tear into my shirt, stumbled into Hakkai, "I do _not_ like that thing."

He laughed and smiled as charmingly as ever as he said, "It seems to like _you_ though."

"That's what I don't like about it!"

"Hm. Interesting. I believe all the people killed by this creature were humans. It may not be interested in youkai blood."

"Whatever. I so don't care. Let's just kill it."

Hakkai smiled at me, "You sound rather anxious, Gojyo."

"I said it before. I don't feel like dying down here."

_It_ bounded forward, tongue lolling from its mouth like a happy dog, landed right in front of us, swinging with both hands, not caring who it ripped open, as long as it got a feel of warm flesh and blood.

"Perhaps I was wrong." Hakkai amended, as we retreated back toward the river's edge. "It may be hungry for whatever crosses its path."

"Hey, who knows? Maybe it'll kill us both and only eat me. The point is, we don't have time for your damn scientific guessing game."

The thing almost clipped my face with those monster claws. That did it for me; I started looking for something to use as a weapon. There were a few tree branches, but none of them looked sturdy enough to hold up in battle, and outside of that, there weren't any options, and that meant I was relying on my own physical strength and my bare hands.

It launched itself at Hakkai, knocking him down with a light head butt, and he had to scramble out of the way to keep from being filleted. He stumbled into me, and we stood shoulder to shoulder, watching as it ambled its way toward us lazily.

"So. You gonna' take your limiter off for this one?"

"I see no need for that. As long as you run around making enough noise, I should have no trouble busting its head open."

"Bait? You brought me to be bait?"  
>"Something like that." He laughed.<p>

"Dammit, Hakkai, I am not here to be-"

It interrupted, ramming against me with its bony shoulder, slamming me into a tree. It raised its claws to shred me.

I ducked, rolled to the side, and sprang up beside my room mate. "Bait."

"Then I seriously recommend you get on the offense."

"_Me_? You're getting chase around just like I am!"

He only laughed again.

"Fine. You be that way." I didn't argue—we'd been doing this for two years now—we both knew how to work this, and who was I to tamper with tradition?

I went for It, catching up the most promising tree branch I saw along the way, "Let's do this ugly!" I skidded to a halt right in front of it, took a giant swing, shattering the branch across its face. A few teeth flew and some dark, greenish blood splattered over my cheek and nose.

"Sick!"

Hakkai shoved me out of the way just in time to keep me from getting the top half of my body bitten off, jumped up and kicked the thing in the forehead.

I fell roughly on my ass.

He did a back flip and landed practically on top of me.

I sprang to my feet.

Shoulder to shoulder, we rushed it, hit it right when it was starting to recover from the last blow. I slammed against its chest. Hakkai plunged his fist into its knotty, skinny stomach. It looked like he punched a trampoline, the way his knuckles just bounced off.

It screamed, tongue jutting from its mouth, tried to take his head off, and he feinted backward, hopping over a fallen tree like he had eyes in the back of his head.

I kicked it in the chest for good measure and dodged out of the way, dropping to the ground for a second to grab a rock the size of my fist.

"This isn't very effective." Hakkai commented.

"Yeah, but this will be."

Rock in hand, I attacked again, busting it across the jaw, breaking more teeth and making more blood spray.

Angrily, it made a grab for me.

I jumped straight up, grabbed its horns, swung myself onto its back and slid down the bony, jutting spine. I smashed its tail against the nearest tree with my stone.

It shrieked.

I thought the whole sky was going to shatter like glass, but I gritted my teeth and kept fighting.

Hakkai was on the attack again. He smacked it once in the face, shutting it up immediately, kneed it under the chin, kicked it once, in the neck, again, in the side, and once more, right in the balls.

I thought that should be enough to at least stun it, but it just got really mad and started rampaging. With a swipe of its now smashed, bleeding tail, it knocked my partner off his feet.

"Hakkai!" I ran.

It didn't attack though. Instead, it sprang away, right up into the trees again, dove down, hit the ground running. It raced across the bottom of the valley, around like a racehorse, came right at us.

Damn thing did its best to knock me to the side as I was dragging Hakkai to his feet, and we barely dove out of the way in time. The second we were up, we had to dive again.

"Fuck this!" I screamed, scrambling up.

It was coming at me, grinning and shrieking, ready to shatter me to a million pieces.

I stood my ground.

"Gojyo, move!"

I dug my boots into the mud. Braced myself.

It lowered its head.

I clenched my jaw tight, kept my arms loose.

It hit like an oncoming train.

I grabbed it by the horns, held on with all my might, and put every fiber of my being into staying planted on the ground. I thought my whole body was going to fucking break. Pain shot through my arms, up into my head. My knuckles felt like they were going to pop. I slid back a ways, scrabbling at the ground as it shoved me along, its jaws snapping just inches from my stomach.

Desperately, I stomped, throwing all my weight forward—who cared if it put me that much closer to that disgusting mouth—tried my best to shove it back.

The monster's tongue slithered out from behind its gums again, wrapped slickly around my waist and squeezed.

I screamed, more surprised than hurt.

"Nasty! Get the hell off!"

I lost some ground during the shock.

It was going to throw me.

I looked for something to brace myself on.

Hakkai appeared beside me, grabbed it by the horns as well, hands fitting over mine. I felt the bones in my hands straining as he shoved it back, but I didn't have time to think about it.

"You're…always…so. Reckless. Gojyo."

"Shut. Up."

It roared and screamed and stomped, but it couldn't push.

We threw it down hard.

I went flipping up over its back, the tongue releasing me just in time for me to do a belly flop in the river.

I don't think I was under water very long. I sucked in half a lungful, blinked through the murky brown, and surfaced again, wheezing and coughing and gagging. I scanned the bank, but I didn't see the monster. Hakkai was there, next to a huge imprint of the thing's body. He was saying something. Shouting.

"Wha-"

In a giant splash, it landed beside me, swinging its tail and screaming with either delight or rage.

I screamed myself as I got washed down stream a ways, paddled for the shore.

That thing didn't look like much of a swimmer, but it didn't need to be. It was big enough to stomp through the water like it stomped anywhere else.

On the other hand, I was a million times less mobile in the water.

Before I knew what was happening, it had me by the back of my jacket, gave me a toss.

I was flying through the air. Hair rustling around me. Wind rushing past my face. I-

I slammed hard. Bounced off. I writhed on the ground, grasping at my ribs, wheezing and gasping for breath. My back felt bruised. I was lucky I didn't get impaled on a fucking tree branch. I lay there, staring up at the dusky, green canopy. Everything was spinning. My head was swimming. The whole world was going around and around and…

Hakkai was standing over me, eyes wide, mouth gaping. I think he said something.

"…Kai…I-"

"…up!"

He grabbed me by the front of the shirt, dragged me. Something caught on my pants, sharp pain shot up my thigh. I looked down to see bright, red blood gushing down my leg, soaking the denim of my tattered jeans.

That monster's hungry, bruised face was right fucking there, teeth gnashing and snapping, aching to rip my leg off.

I screamed. I kicked. I screamed and kicked and planted the sole of my boot right between its eyes. It was just enough to buy me time, and then I was on my feet.

I thought I was on my feet anyway.

The second I stood, hot, unbearable pain went slicing through my calf. Immediately, my knee gave out, and I was staring at the moss and dirt and dead leaves on the ground.

Hakkai pulled me up again. "I said _up_, you idiot!"

Damn, he sounded…scared.

He swung me around, out of the way, just in time, leapt to the side.

_It_ rammed the tree we'd been standing by, stumbled back, shrieking in surprise and outrage.

Hakkai grabbed my wrist, "God. Dammit. Gojyo! You have to get up!"

"I'm up. I'm up." I made myself stand. The pain in my leg was horrible…I hadn't felt anything like that in a long, long time, and I was scared to look down and see just what the hell had happened to it.

He jammed his shoulder under my armpit, supporting me so I could keep the weight off it. "You have to get out of here."

I stared at him, "Are you stupid? I'm not leaving you here!"

"Your leg-"

"Is fucking fine. Okay, Hakkai? My leg feels great."

"Gojyo-"

"Shut up!" I pushed him away, forcing myself to stand up on my own.

Shit. Did that hurt.

It was coming back for more, but it was coming a little slower now, and it looked worse for the wear, bleeding from the nostrils and mouth and even the eyes. It was taking a lot of head damage. With those horns on its head, you think it would be better suited for running into things.

I bet nothing had ever given it a run for its money before.

We both watched its slow, wary advance.

"Gojyo." Hakkai tried again, "There's no way you can fight like this. I'll be fine on my own, just-"

"I told you to shut up."

He was quiet.

"What should we do?"

"It's stronger than I imagined."

"Me too."

"It doesn't seem to matter where we attack, it always recovers quickly. I'm not sure it has a weakness per say."

"So let's just take it apart."

He didn't say anything to that. I knew he was thinking I'd just be in the way with my leg all ripped to shit. Hell, he was probably right. I'd probably just get him killed.

But there was no way I could leave him to do this by himself.

"C'mon." I nudged him, "I got an idea."

"Idea?" He sounded even more skeptical, "What kind of idea?"  
>I grinned, "You ready?"<p>

"For?"

With a vague chuckle, I limped away from him, screaming. My voice was a little hoarse, but it caught that thing's attention. I waved my arms, just for good measure.

It watched me curiously, cocking its head back and forth, crooning again, but it could obviously see I was limping like a damn amputee, and it could smell my blood. It came after me.

I could almost hear Hakkai cursing me and calling me an idiot under his breath.

Whatever. As long as he did his fucking share.

"Hey! Heey! C'mon, ugly! Over here, you stupid, steaming, pile of shit! Master Sanzo saaaaays-to get the _fuck_ off his mountain!"

Shrieking, it charged.

I'd be pissed too if Sanzo told me to pack up and move out.

I wouldn't fucking take it. Not for a second.

It was right behind me. It didn't take long.

"That's right, dickhead!" I screamed, forcing myself to keep running. It didn't matter how much it hurt. It didn't matter if I felt that horrific, hot feeling of fresh blood coating my entire leg now. "Get some!"

It lunged forward, jaws open.

One bite. I'd be gone.

There was nothing I could do.

My leg gave out. I was on the ground again.

It came at me. I only had one shot, but the best I could do was buy time and hope…

The monster took a bite at me.

With another shout, I kicked it as hard as I could in the chin, with my good leg, snapping its jaws shut, splintering a few more of its teeth.

Screeching, it fell over me, obviously furious, clawed at me.

I felt its nails tear right through my coat and my shirt—they were ice cold. They tore through my skin too, ripping across my arm and my chest, and all its weight was suddenly on me as it pinned me to the ground.

I screamed, more defiant than afraid.

It opened its mouth again, this time right in front of my face, moving in for the kill. Ready to rip my head off.

"Do it. Asshole!"

As if on cue, Hakkai landed on its head, shutting its mouth a second time.

This time, it bit its own nasty tongue off.

Blood showered around me, along with chunks of muscle.

The weight was lifted off, and I shielded my head, because I didn't want reeking, green blood in my hair, or worse yet, on my face.

Hakkai sprang off. He almost crushed my head when he landed, stood over me, round-house kicked that bitch in the face.

I heard its jaw shatter as it fell back into the nearest tree. The tree went down too, snapping right at the base and landing on that freak's head.

The skull gooshed like a melon. Blood and brains sprayed everywhere.

It was silent and still. Sort of an anti-climactic end, but who was I to be picky about survival?

With a huge sigh of relief, I laid back. "Shit."

Hakkai looked down at me, just a fuzzy silhouette, even against the dim backdrop of the canopy, "You know, when I suggested we use you as bait, I didn't mean it."

"It worked, didn't it?"

"That isn't exactly the point, Gojyo."

"I think it is." I sighed, laying my wrist across my forehead. Suddenly the light was really bothering my eyes. "Damn." I felt the pain still shooting through my leg, and I still didn't want to look and find out what was causing it exactly, "Damn, that thing really wanted to kill me. I feel like it didn't go after you at all."  
>"Well, I <em>am<em> stronger _and_ smarter than you are; animals can sense that sort of thing."

I moved my hand away to glare at him, "First of all, who says? And second of all, That thing was not an animal. It was a fuckin' monster."

"Potato, potahto."

"Smart ass."

He just smiled, gripped my arm and helped me sit up against the tree behind me, then swung the pack off his shoulders, started going through it, "You know, perhaps it was a bit inattentive of me, but I couldn't help but consider our conversation from earlier throughout the fight."

"What conversation? All that bull I asked you about-"

"That one, yes."

"Hell, good to know your head was in the game."

He didn't stop smiling as he got out the first aid kit and began threading a needle he'd brought; next he tore a clean, white cloth into strips.

I was starting to feel kind of lightheaded and tired, so I leaned my head back against the tree trunk, looking up at the patches of slate gray sky through the trees as he ripped my jeans open to stitch up the bleeding wound along the outside of my thigh. There was a breeze now, sliding gently across my face, and it made me want to close my eyes.

"What about it?" I asked drowsily.

"Oh, it's just that I came to a realization in the midst of everything."

"Yeah? What?"

"Love, you know, it's a bit more complicated than it seems."

"Hunh." My hand felt weird and heavy as I put a cigarette in my mouth and lit it.

"It isn't easy either you know. It's difficult to know when you actually love someone, because it requires being relatively selfless, and I think it's necessary to at least be willing to give up everything and anything for them, whether that means making them happy, protecting them, or simply being with them. In a way, I could see how it might look like slavery. But it's something you want to do."

"Sounds rough." I winced and gritted my teeth as he popped open a bottle of alcohol and poured it over the wound, and then I couldn't help glaring down at his hands as he began to lace my flesh back together with the needle and thread.

"Oh, that isn't the half of it, of course. There is always the nearly impossible task of accepting them exactly as they are, faults and all. No matter how incredibly careless or stupid they can be, no matter what aggravating, little habits they cleave to, you have no choice but to acknowledge that it's the way they are, and you don't want to change them."

I guess…maybe I sort of understood what he was talking about, in that area at least. I studied the slashes in my leg from where the monster's teeth had torn my skin open. They were deep, oozing dark, red blood, the area surrounding them already pink and swollen. They were also several inches long, and looking at them made me feel dizzy, so I closed my eyes again, did my best to ignore the persistent jab of the needle piercing my skin over and over. I couldn't help twitching a little, "Shit."

He steadied my leg, went on sewing, and added, casually, "As I'm sure you know a major component of acceptance is forgiveness. I think if you're willing to forgive someone anything—anything at all, regardless of how it hurts or angers you—there's a good chance you love them."

For a while after that, he stitched in silence, face drawn in concentration, and I gradually got used to the feeling of the sutures. By the time he was tying the last one off and beginning to wrap my leg, I had begun to fall asleep.

"I think it's a matter of being there for them too, whenever you can, as much as you can, no matter what sort of difficulties they're facing, whether it be emotional or physical pain."

Through the mist of discomfort and exhaustion, I wondered if he was just talking to keep me alert. Or awake anyway.

"When someone needs you, you should be there, and that's why I still…cannot forgive myself for letting Kanan down. I-I know I loved her, and yet…I cannot atone for my own inadequacies. I cannot forgive myself for letting her fall into that terrible situation."

"Aw. C'mon, man. It's not your fault. Shit happens…right? Even in love."

He was quiet a long time. He finished wrapping my leg, and then slapped a few bandages on the lacerations on my arms and chest. I was almost asleep by the time he finished, stumbled back toward reality when he shoved one of the canteens we'd brought into my hands with an authoritative "Drink."

Clumsily, I lifted it to my mouth, spilling some down my chin and shirt as I drained half the canteen before handing it back to him, and he finished off the rest.

"I dunno', dude. Still sounds like a ton of trouble."

"Oh, yes. Believe me." He wiped his mouth and smiled to himself, "It's very hard. There've been many times where I thought I might be better without."

"Yeah, I get that."

"Only…" He got up, offered me his hand, "If you do make that choice, living without feeling, there is the question of 'who will you leave behind in the end?' Who might have needed you while you were selfishly ignoring your own sentiments, all for the sake of protecting your own scars?"

I looked up at him, feeling confused, and I didn't think it was because I was lightheaded or delirious or anything…. I really didn't get what he was telling me now.

But when I saw the look in his eyes, I think I started to get it.

Slowly, I took his hand, let him haul me to my feet, draped my arm around his neck out of reaction, couldn't help sagging against him when another sharp jab of pain lanced through my leg.

I winced, and he put his arm around my waist.

"In the face of everything I just said." He went on, searching my eyes, "There is something more, and this comes a bit more naturally than the other aspects of love."

"Yeah, what?"

"Compassion, you might call it, or sympathy, I suppose. It's a matter of seeing things their way, putting yourself in their shoes, you might say. A way of commiserating. It isn't easy, exactly, but it does make the other parts of love _easier_, because if you can do that, you can understand the moves they make, even if they do something incredibly stupid. Even if you find their words insensitive, oblivious and painful." He lowered his voice for no apparent reason, "Even then, if you can understand what drives them, you can forgive, accept and give up anything for them."

"All that. You felt for Kanan?"

"Yes. At one point or another. Sometimes all at once. But it's how I knew I loved her."

I thought about it as we began to walk, slowly. By this time my leg was throbbing from agitation as well as the original wound, and my head felt unbelievably light, my stomach twisted into knots, and I had no idea how I was going to climb up out of the valley, but I knew we'd figure it out as we went.

More heavily on my mind at the moment were the people I'd had in my life, not just my mom and Jien, but Banri and Lolli too, and people like them, the ways they'd treated me, and sometimes, the ways I'd treated them.

_Yeah, I've definitely never been in love._

Well, that settled that. And still…

"You're still very young." Hakkai said eventually. "There's no need to be concerned about it yet."

"Oh, yeah, and you're so old." I snorted.

"No. However, I was very fortunate to have felt what I did, when I did. It is possible I will never feel that way towards a woman ever again. But there is still hope for you. If you allow the opportunity for it, that is."

"Right. No offense, 'Kai, but I think I'd have to be a total idiot to leave myself open to something like that. I mean…just 'cause you feel that way about someone doesn't mean they feel that way back all the time."

No one will ever love you…

"No, but as I said before, you would know if someone loved you, in any manner whatsoever. Romantically or otherwise."

"Would I?" I took a deep breath of smoke.

"I think so. At least, you might notice signs of it: I assume they would always be around when you needed them, and they'd have to see past your abrasive attitude and your irritating behavior."

"Right, right. What you're saying is, it's not about women and sex all the time."

"That was the overall, basic idea of my explanation, yes."

Weird to be thinking about these things, but I could see how it made sense in context, especially when I'd almost gotten my head chewed off not an hour ago. It made me think of the times I'd almost lost him, and all the shit I would have done if I'd thought I could save him or get him back. Maybe it wasn't something guys weren't supposed to say out loud, but that didn't mean it wasn't there, like it didn't just sneak into your head one day when he was laughing his ass off at you for doing something stupid, or in the middle of some ridiculous, pointless fist fight. Maybe it was okay.

It was my turn to smile to myself. "Yeah, I guess I get that."

"Well, thank heavens for that. I wasn't sure how much simpler I could make it."

"Hey." I knocked him in the head lightly, letting the dizziness take over inhibition and the delirium give me confidence, lingered with the words on my tongue for a few seconds before rushing through them, "I love you, man."

Hakkai laughed, a little louder than usual, "Oh, my. I wasn't expecting that."

"Yeah, well, don't get too caught up in it—and remember how it sounds, 'cause I ain't gonna' say it every day."

"Sure, sure."

I was silent, but it wasn't as awkward as I expected it to be. I didn't feel like a total faggot for it. I guess it had been this way for a while now, and admitting it out loud wasn't such a big deal, because the emotions had been there already. I don't know when they started exactly, some time after Banri bailed on me, maybe, but it had taken a while for me to really figure out what it was that I was feeling, seeing how it wasn't anything I'd felt before. Not really. Sometimes, I'd thought, that what I felt for Hakkai was a lot like what I'd felt for Jien, but it was a little different. I didn't look up to him the same way, and I didn't have a bunch of expectations piled on his head. So, sometimes, when that feeling crept in, I had to remind myself that he wasn't my brother. Because he wasn't my brother. He wasn't.

I felt his arm around me, felt the pain in my leg from the stitches he'd so painstakingly sewn into me, couldn't help thinking. _He's doin' a fuck of a lot better of a job at it though…_

It wasn't right, thinking that about Jien—Jien saved my life…

_Once. And then he took off._

Hakkai was always there, and I was starting to think he was always going to be there, even if that might be a stupid assumption to make.

For the first time since Jien left, it occurred to me that maybe it wouldn't matter if I never saw him again.

I shook that away. _Of course it would._

Then Hakkai was talking again, so I listened.

"I feel the same way, of course. Man. Though I hope you would have noticed that already."

"I…guess…no. Not really."

He gave me a disapproving frown. "It's a little obvious, isn't it? After all, look at who's dragging your bleeding carcass up the face of a cliff."

I laughed, deliriously. "No. I get ya', man. I…I'm just an idiot…"

Hakkai shook his head and sighed, "No. It's just that you have a lot to learn, Goj."

"Yeah." I answered slowly, "I think so too."

The dream voice tried to sneak in again, but I shut her up. For the first time since she'd said that to me almost ten years ago, I finally thought she might be wrong. If Hakkai gave a shit, some day, there might be others.

Someday…

"As long as you don't smoke yourself to death, you have a long time yet to figure it out." He told me mildly.

Yeah. I thought. This could be okay.

_It had better be okay, because it's probably the best a lowlife like me can do._


	9. Chapter 9

Mission Nine

Queen of Hearts

"…And then the other night the miscreants even broke in here and made off with some important pieces from the treasury storage. They killed an acolyte and injured twelve others..."

I sucked my cigarette and stared out the window, barely listening to what Sanzo was telling us. It was the middle of summer now, and I was freaking hot; walking to Keiun temple had sucked, and going back would suck, and recovering lost treasure from a group of thieves would take the ass-sucking cake.

Sanzo kept talking, and I glanced around the room at the others. Hakkai was looking right at Sanzo, half-smiling, nodding occasionally. He didn't look like he was taking Sanzo's 'big emergency' all that seriously, but if I were him, I guess I wouldn't either. Not that I was going to take it seriously, I just had different reasons. He folded his arms and said 'I see', with that indulgent, humoring tone.

Goku was sprawled on the floor a couple feet away from me, scribbling something on a piece of tattered paper. He was humming and grinning and enjoying the hell out of himself. Sanzo's big emergency wasn't his problem. He'd probably slept right through the raid.

I leaned over to see what he was doing, just out of pure boredom, assuming it was homework or some shit Hakkai had brought him.

The little punk looked like he was drawing of all things. With a snort and a grin, I leaned over and snatched the paper from him, "Oo, leme' see."

"Hey! Give it back, assface!"

I let the insult slide off and looked the drawing over. It was crudely done, in colored pencils, but it looked like he didn't have a very wide palette, since everything was more or less the same color, and some of it was a little difficult to make sense of, but I gathered that it was pretty much a splash page of all his favorite foods: beef and chicken, and noodles, fish, fruit, and pretty much everything else he'd ever eaten.

"Ugh. You're totally obsessed, aren't you?"

Goku was on his feet now. He made a grab for the paper, "Give it back, Gojyo!"

Grinning all the more widely, I lifted his drawing high above my head, "No way. I'm still lookin' at it."

"Are not! You're just makin' fun of me."

"Quit bein' such a baby about it. I just wanna' see."

"Give it back, asshole!" He was jumping for it now. Too bad I was still like a million heads taller than him.

I grabbed him by the forehead, holding him back at arm's length and laughing as he swung his arms and growled and made pathetic, empty threats about what he'd do if I didn't give him back his food drawing.

Someone cleared their throat, and I looked up to see Sanzo and Hakkai frowning at me.

"In case you forgot, I'm still talking here, Kappa; would it kill you to pay attention for once?"

"Sorry. Thought you were finished."

"Well I wasn't. If your idiot brain can't grasp what I'm telling you maybe it needs a wake up call."

"No thanks." I dropped the paper back into Goku's hands, just as Hakkai was opening his mouth to say something along the lines of 'now, now, Gojyo. Please don't tease Goku.' I tousled the kid's hair, "Keep practicin', shrimpy."

"Jerk." He punched me lightly in the arm and slunk away.

"As I was saying." Sanzo went on, leveling a murderous look on me, "This has been going on for two weeks now, so I highly doubt the marauders are going to pack up and go away of their own free will, which is why I called you two here."

"Five counts of vandalism, three counts of theft, one count of murder, eight counts of disturbing the peace. Sounds pretty typical, boss. Want us to bring 'em all back in good shape or in pieces?"

Sanzo glared at me, "It's not as simple as you think, jackass. If you'd been paying attention you'd know that."

"What's the big deal? We've dealt with shitheads like this before."

"Yes, but it sounds to me like this group is considerably larger than anything we've encountered in the past." Hakkai spoke up. "As for the actions themselves, they're unnaturally random. I mean, carrying off livestock from the surrounding farms and villages? Running through the streets vandalizing public property and disrupting the peace? It's so sporadic, it could be that they have some sort of ulterior motive we're unaware of as of yet."

"Exactly." Sanzo agreed, giving me a dirty look, like he wanted to say 'at least one of you listens to me. "Also, according to how close together these events have taken place, I would say it's not impossible that there are two different groups cooperating with each other."

"Or perhaps one very large group that has split up, for some reason."

"That could be too."

"Still sounds typical to me." I muttered under my breath. They both ignored me, and I went back to smoking and looking out the window.

"Sanzo, do you have any idea of what the motive for these actions might be?"

Sanzo was quiet long enough that I eventually looked over at him to see what he was doing. He spoke slowly, "I thought…the way everything is going, it could be that they're purposely trying to get my attention."

Hakkai and I exchanged looks. "What in the world would they want your attention for?"

"I don't know." He shrugged, "I don't have any evidence that would suggest that's what they're doing. It was just a thought I had."

"Whatever they want, we'll clean it up before they get around to it." I said easily. I wasn't worried about this. Why should I be? We'd dealt with so much crap over the last year and a half, what was one more little gang, coming into our turf and looking for trouble?

"Don't get cocky." Sanzo growled, but it sounded almost like a warning. "This is not your usual case of gang activity, got it? I'm not sure what it is, but I have a feeling there's something else going on."

"Like what?" Goku asked, before I got a chance to. He was sitting up on his knees now, paying close attention to what we were saying, and his eyes were shining with the slightest indication of fear; he'd probably gotten all worried when he heard Sanzo say they might be trying to get his attention.

"Who knows? But." Sanzo looked right at me again, "It would be stupid not to consider every option."

"We appreciate the advice, Sanzo." Hakkai said with a smile, and I wasn't totally sure if he was serious or if he was being a smart ass, "We'll do our best to have this situation resolved as quickly as possible."

A brief, "Hn" was the closest thing we got to a thank-you or any sort of recognition, and then Sanzo sat back in his chair, fanning himself. Hakkai asked a few more questions to nail down the details of what we were up against and where we could start, and then we made our exit.

I ruffled Goku's hair again on the way out, "Keep up the good work, monkey."

"Don't call me monkey!" He chucked a colored pencil at me and it barely missed taking my eye out.

Laughing to myself, I followed Hakkai outside, where an unbearable wave of heat and humidity hit me like a wall. "Damn. It's frickin' hot today."

"Mm, yes. I think we may be breaking a record."

"Shit. I like the summer as much as the next guy, but this is too much." We started walking back through the trees, and I heard cicadas and all kinds of other insects buzzing, along with the varying calls of birds. Everything seemed to be bitching about the heat.

"Well, what do you think?" Hakkai asked after a moment or two.

"About Sanzo's 'big emergency'?"

"What else?"

"Pft. Can't believe we rushed all the way up here for that: it's totally routine."

"Hm. Yes, a little too routine if you ask me. As a matter of fact, it's so commonplace, it's almost…gaudy."

"Dunno' about that."

He looked at me, giving me a slightly more serious expression than he'd shown Sanzo, "As Sanzo said, it's almost as if they're doing all of this to get attention. After all, whoever's responsible has put on two displays of anti-social behavior every other night for the last two weeks—one here in Chang'an, and one in Nianzu village—as if they'd like to get caught; and the nature of their crimes, apart from the murder they committed in Keiun temple, is usually so petty…it hardly seems worth it. In fact, the Three Aspects likely would have ignored it if it hadn't been going on for so long, I think."

"Right, so two groups of punks running around causing minor damage for attention. Couldn't it just be a bunch of stupid kids?"

"Unlikely. Local authorities would have put an end to it by now if it were."

"So what'dya' wanna' do about it?"

"Well, I'm not sure if it's wise to split up, but it may be our best chance at clearing this up in a timely fashion, don't you agree?"

"I guess so."

"In that case, why don't you go over to Nianzu and I will remain here in Chang'an."

"Gonna' make me do all the walking in this heat, eh?"

Hakkai smiled again, but it was less than apologetic, "Keep in mind, Sanzo said the most recent incident took place last night, and as long as they continue to follow their previous pattern, there shouldn't be any trouble tonight; I suggest we do a routine investigation for starters, see if we can find any information from the locals concerning who might be behind all this, and, if possible, look for some type of hideout or headquarters they might be using."

"Geez, sounds like a lotta' work." I wiped some sweat off my forehead.

"Stop complaining. The sooner we look into this, the sooner we can have it over and done with."

"Who's complaining? I just wish it weren't so hot."

"That's a complaint. Now remember, if you do find some sort of headquarters over there, don't decide you want to get it all over with in one fell swoop and infiltrate the place on your own. We'll convene back home, share what we learned, and discuss a plan of action for tomorrow night."

"Right, right. Don't go bustin' in like an idiot."

"It would be for the best to go entirely undetected."

"Don't let anybody see you. Got it."

Hakkai gave me a skeptical look, "Sometimes, when you talk that way, I'm not entirely sure I can trust what you're saying."

"You want the straight up 'I won't, Hakkai'?"

"It's a bit more convincing at least."

"I'm not gonna' do anything stupid; have a little faith."

"Of course, I'm worrying for nothing, aren't I?"

"No sweat, pal. See you at home."

From there we split up, and I got on my way toward the other village.

Nianzu village was a good hour and a half way from our town, and I thought it was sort of a random place for a bunch of thugs to decide to attack. It was small, inhabited mostly by farmers, primitive, and over all, just not the kind of place most people looked twice at. There was nothing of value or interest there.

When I walked into town, everyone stared at me. I didn't know if it was because I was dressed differently than them, or if it was because I was unfamiliar in general. I figured they were leery of anyone new these days, with the random crime spree, so I tried to act casual and kept my eyes open for any cute farm girls, whistling a little as I went. Aside from the heat, it was a pretty nice day to be out and about, and I decided to take my time with the official business on my plate.

Here and there I asked people about what had been going on, doing my best to stay non-specific—I wanted to come across as a nosey traveler, not a detective—but no one wanted to talk about it. Most of them played dumb, or got angry and told me to be on my way, so I played it cool a while and talked to some girls; none of them were very welcoming either. The few that did smile and make some effort to flirt back where joined suddenly by a guy—a jealous boyfriend or a concerned father or whatever—and pulled away in a hurry.

The whole thing got pretty boring really fast, but it hardly mattered: the town was small enough that I'd done as much investigating as I could in a little over an hour, and I still hadn't learned a thing. For the most part, anyone I came across who was willing to discuss it with me wanted to bitch about it and tell me their personal hardships. It didn't do me any good, and I assumed it just meant nobody knew anything about where the gang might be hiding.

At last I decided to step into the bar. The town only had one, and if by some off-chance a few members of a gang might be hanging around, it would probably be at the bar. More than anything else though, I just wanted a drink.

The place was practically deserted, which didn't help my cause much. Just a few drunks sitting around a table playing some cards and an old dude passed out at the bar. The bartender looked pretty bored, just polishing away at the counter, like he didn't have so much as a glass to wash, and he was quick to greet me when I walked in. He had a friendly face and a warm voice, sort of like a grown up Goku, I thought.

I gave him a grin and sat down, "Hiya' pops. How about a beer?"

He slid the bottle my way, considered me a moment, "Pops, huh? Must be getting' old if kids're gonna' start calling me that."

"Hey, if you think I'm a kid, you're already old." I smiled to show I didn't mean any offense.

He seemed to get the picture all right. "Heh. I never seen you around here before. New in town?"

"Just passing through."

"Ah, yeah. We've had a lotta' strange people around here lately." He smiled, like he was joking around, but I noticed that a veil of wariness entered his gaze. Whether or not this gang Sanzo had us after was doing petty bullshit, they definitely had this town scared, and dressing like some city slicker wasn't buying me any points.

"Heard about it." I took a steady slug off the bottle, trying to decide what my next move might be. I didn't see how I could get anymore information, especially if people didn't feel like trusting me, and by now it was way too late to go dress up like a hick and come back. Oh well. Maybe Hakkai would have better luck. "What's with that anyway?"

"Beats me, son. I just run the bar."

"So you haven't seen any weirdos running around?"

"Besides you? Eh, one or two, but nobody all that suspicious. These days, we do best to keep our eyes peeled, no matter what."

"Hm." I pondered that as I drank my beer, and he went back to polishing the bar. So a couple out of place guys had passed through and had a drink at least, and even if they had to do with the gang activity, they'd be long gone, if they were smart. I wondered where they were all holed up. If they came around every other day, they must have had some sort of camp close by. It might be worth it to take a look around in the surrounding area.

The bartender paced up and down the bar once or twice, checked on the passed out guy, and then went to wait on the guys playing cards across the room. I thought about heading that way myself, but Hakkai would be pretty disappointed with me if I got all side-tracked with gambling and got home late, especially since he was guaranteed to stay a hundred percent on track.

Such a weird guy. I'd never met anyone so damn meticulous before, and he went about it in this way that made me feel like he was determined to be responsible for everything around him to, whether it was something he'd done or something someone else had screwed up.

Hell. I suddenly realized the last thing I wanted to do was even slightly miff Hakkai. I hated that scary face of his. For the life of me I couldn't figure out how that pleasant smile could turn to a death stare so quickly. I think it even scared Sanzo, not that he'd ever admit it.

I took one last gulp from my beer and got up to go, was digging through my pockets for money when the bartender returned, looking slightly confused and a little less warm.

"Excuse me, sir. There's a gentleman who'd like to have a word with you."

It was strange—the last thing I was expecting—not at all like having a chick sending me a drink, so I did a double take of his face, just to make sure he was talking to me. "What's he want?"

"He wouldn't say. He asked if I would send you over…that was all."

I turned to take a look around the room, feeling pretty confused myself, and all but forgetting about my bill. There were still the guys at the table, but they were all ignoring me; the dude at the bar hadn't so much as snorted since I came in. Who in the hell…?

Then I noticed him. He was way in the back, where the lights were pretty low, so I hadn't seen him when I first surveyed the place. From the stiff, militant way he sat, I could see he was serious—not a homo looking to get into my pants or anything—and even though I couldn't see his face past the shadows, I knew he was staring right at me. When I finally looked at him, he raised his hand to give a short, jerking wave, indicating for me to come over.

"Weird." I slapped my money down on the bar, "Thanks for the drink, pops." Then I sauntered over to Mr. Spooky, starting another cigarette as I went. Whatever the creep wanted, I didn't have a lot of time to screw around with him, so I'd have to make this quick and be on my way. Outside, the sun was already starting to set.

I approached casually, not letting on that he had me a little unnerved, and stood behind the chair across from him. I still couldn't quite make out the details of his face, but there was a band of light falling across the bridge of his nose, and I saw that it was long and straight, his forehead wide, the one eye that was visible looked serene and calculating, and he had a straight, calm mouth.

"Alright man, make this quick. I'm in a hurry."

"A hurry?" The guy purred. His voice was just as calm, serious and analytical as the rest of him. "Well, in that case, I'll try not to take up too much of your time."

"Cool." I blew some smoke out my nose, feeling strangely exposed, like no matter how thickly I painted on the bravado, this asshole could see right through me.

He leaned forward, slowly, set his hands on the table very precisely, folded calmly, and I got the impression it wasn't just a mindless gesture. He wanted me to be able to see his hands.

Automatically, I slipped my own hands out of my pockets.

"I'll get right to the point. I've been watching you all afternoon, sir."

"That's a little creepy."

"Hm, yes, but I'm not stalking you, I'm merely observing, out of curiosity, you might say. More to the point, I have specific intentions for watching you."

The way he spoke…I didn't like it. He was polite, but more than that, he was explicit. He wasn't screwing around. He was deadly serious.

"What might those be?"

"A valid question. You see, I couldn't help but overhear that you're very much interested in the gang activity that has been going on in this town, and I was merely wondering why that is?"

I shrugged, "Just a nosey fuck, I guess."

"I see. Still, the way you've gone about it, asking the same questions of everyone who's willing to speak to you, struck me as having some rather specific intentions of your own."

"So what? A guy can't be curious?"

"Ah, you know what they say, sir. Curiosity killed the cat."

"Never heard that before." I smirked.

The man laughed, but even that was low and controlled, "Tell me. What's your name, sir?"

"Gojyo."

"Goodness, that's hardly an introduction at all. For example, I am Gan Koo, and you are?"

I couldn't help sighing impatiently, "Sha Gojyo." Then, just to be a smart ass, I stuck my hand out.

He smiled, but he was careful not to take it. "That's more like it. Now, then, Gojyo—I may call you Gojyo, correct?"

"It _is_ my name."

"Very well. And you may refer to me as Gan, if you like. As I was saying, Gojyo, I suspect you have rather specific intentions for inquiring about what's been happening in this town."

"Right. What _intentions_ do you _suspect_ I might have?"

"Well, now, that's a very interesting question, in and of itself, one I considered myself, not ten minutes ago; your clothing tells me that you're not from this town, but seeing how you have no luggage and you're relatively clean-cut, I doubt you're a curious traveler. Also, your blundering, inept way of conducting yourself makes it unlikely that you're any sort of under-cover law enforcement. It did cross my mind that the villagers might have hired you to look into this affair, but I haven't seen much of organized attempt to put an end to the violence here, so I don't believe that's it either. Besides, you simply don't look the type. To me, you look like nothing more than a cocky, little punk who doesn't care very deeply about what he's doing."

One thing was for sure, this guy's calculations were brutal, and he was cold, like he was just reporting the weather or something. It actually freaked me out a little, but I hid that and snapped, "'Kay then, smart ass, you know so much, what do you _think_ I'm doing here?"

"A personal favor for a friend, perhaps?"

"We ain't friends." I blurted before I could really think about it.

Gan's mouth twisted at the edges, but only slightly, and only for a moment; I didn't need to see it for very long to know he thought I was a total idiot. "Don't feel too bad." He advised, "See, you've been acting with such a 'this doesn't really affect me, but I guess I have to' attitude."

` I scowled at him, "What in the hell's any of this got to do with you? I mean, what's it to you what I want or why I'm doing it?"

"Heh. What indeed." He got up, smoothly, with absolute control. He was a pretty big guy, broad-shouldered and muscular, but definitely not a meathead. Again, I thought he looked like some kind of military man. While I was thinking about that, he snapped his fingers.

I was suddenly surrounded. The drunks playing poker at the other table were on me in a flash—I didn't even get a second to register what was happening before they grabbed me by the arms. One punched me in the stomach, and then while I was still struggling to understand, they must have slipped a bag over my head, because everything was pitch black.

There was a little noise—probably the bartender—but Gan was quick to speak, "Mind your own business, good sir. This hardly concerns you."

With that, he snapped a pair of handcuffs on my wrists, and someone dragged me forward.

"Hey, asshole!" I tried to wrench away, but the grips on my arms were iron-tight, and any time I tried to put up a struggle, I was restrained immediately. They didn't hit me anymore, like I expected them too, just firmly held me between them and marched me forward whenever I made a fuss.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I screamed, "Get this shit off, right now!"

Gan's crushingly calm voice interrupted, somewhere right beside my head, "Now, now, don't make a scene like a small child, Gojyo."

Suddenly I hated that I'd given him permission to call me by name.

"Come quietly and no harm will come to you. That's my word as a gentleman."

"I don't give a fuck if it's your word as a goddamn _priest_."

"That hardly surprises me, given your relationship to Genjyo Sanzo, however, allow me to reassure you that I have no intentions of harming you, and as long as you cooperate, you'll be on your way home in a matter of a couple of hours."

I still didn't care. I didn't believe a word of his bullshit, but I gave up the fight after a while anyway. It wasn't doing me any good, and even if I got away, what was I going to do? Run with the damn bag over my head?

We walked a long ways. I tried to listen for any sign of where we were going or what was happening, but the bag muffled my hearing, and the only thing I was aware of were the two pairs of hands cinching around my biceps. It got pretty hot in the bag, and my head was sweating like crazy in a matter of minutes.

At least it was an easy walk—they didn't make me climb any mountains or anything like that, and the dicks were all considerate and polite, always telling me to watch my step and take it easy. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what this shit was about—they didn't act much like gang members. I would have been shanked by now if they were, or at least roughed up a little. I wondered if they were actually going to let me go home? I decided not to let the whole thing scare me—I'd get out of it somehow, eventually.

About an hour passed before we stopped walking; someone pushed me into a chair, politely, of course, and then they let go of me, pulled the bag off in one sweeping gesture.

I blinked. The light was blinding, almost fluorescent, directly overhead, and I saw that I was in some kind of concrete cell. There was nothing there but the chair I was sitting in and a table. Everything else was cold, uninviting gray.

The two men who'd been holding my arms went to stand by the door, and Gan took a seat on the edge of the table, facing me and lighting a cigarette. Now that I could see him more clearly, I could tell he definitely wasn't the average thug. I put him at about forty-five or fifty, and he was well-groomed, with only a thin goatee, and his short, black hair was beginning to gray in the sideburns. He was even taller in the light, dressed nicely in a long, military jacket and polished boots. I saw that there was a pretty serious piece riding on his hip, and from what little I'd seen of him, I didn't think he'd have any inhibitions about using it. "I apologize for the inconvenience, Gojyo, but ours is a conversation best saved for a private location."

"Asshole." I growled, voice dry, "Who the hell do you think you are? Where am I?"

"Ah, if I told you that, it would defeat the purpose of having brought you here bound and blindfolded, don't you think?" He smiled again, that faint, almost mocking twist of the mouth.

I glanced at the gun again, trying to decide what I should do. There were only three of them—Gan looked like a pretty tough customer, but I could take the other two—but having the handcuffs on would make fighting them impossible. Besides, I didn't want to get shot, and so far they weren't going out of their way to hurt me or even threatening me, so my best bet might be to sit tight and hope they actually let me go.

"So what do you want?"

"Nothing really. I have a few questions I'd like to ask you, and I'd appreciate direct, honest answers, if you're able to provide them. For the most part, a simple yes or no should suffice."

"Why should I answer any of your fuckin' questions when you brought me here against my will, you lunatic?"

This time the twist of his mouth was just slightly more aggressive, and he leaned toward me, but his voice stayed as calm and cold as ever, "It's because I brought you here against your will that you should answer my fucking questions, Gojyo."

"You gonna' beat the shit outta' me or something if I don't?" I braced myself, preparing to get hit.

"Goodness, no. I have no intentions of resorting to such unnecessary violence. After all, you're nothing but a miserable, little boy, and what good would it do me to go around striking children? No, no, I think it would be utterly senseless. Pain can be quite an effective motivator, but in this case, I think it would be ill-placed. Instead, I think I can gain the information I need from you by simply being honest, and you, in turn, can get out of this situation rather quickly by returning the favor."

I scowled at him.

"So allow me to start us off, won't you? You do work for Genjyo Sanzo, don't you?"

"Suck my dick, freak."

He was completely unfazed, "The longer you continue to be uncooperative, the longer you'll sit there. You do want to go home eventually, don't you?"

"I don't have to answer your stupid questions." I glanced at the cigarette he was holding, annoyed that I couldn't have one too.

"I assure you, I have nothing against Sanzo, and your honest reply will cause neither him, nor you, any injury. Now, I ask again. Do you work for Genjyo Sanzo?"

"I don't work for anybody. I do that jerk a favor every here and again—what's it to you?"

"Yes or no will suffice, Gojyo."

I was really starting to hate this pretentious cock sucker.

"Yes." I growled.

"In that case, am I correct in assuming that you were in Nianzu on his behalf?"

"Yeah."

"Forgive me, I know this is tedious, but you were investigating the incidents there because Genjyo Sanzo asked you to, correct?"

"I said yeah. What more do you want?" I gave the handcuffs a tentative yank, but they were sturdy.

"You were working there alone as best I could tell. You didn't have a comrade with you, did you?"

"Nope."

"Do you often do Sanzo's bidding?"

"Yep."

"Alone?"

"No." This was getting old. I eye-fucked his cigarette again.

"You work with a partner then?"

"Yeah."

"Always the same person, or does it vary?"

"How'm I supposed to answer yes or no to that?"

"Don't be so two-dimensional, Gojyo, just answer the question."

"Same guy."

By this time, I really couldn't begin to guess what this was all about, and then he asked me, "So tell me then. Where is Cho Gonou?"

My blood stopped rushing for a second, and my heartbeat paused. I wanted to think I'd heard him wrong or something, but when I looked into his cold, analytical eyes, I knew he knew exactly what he'd said and how it was affecting me.

"Who?"

"Cho _Hakkai_? Once known as Cho Gonou. A notorious and brutal killer. According to my sources, you've been living with him for over a year."

"What sources?"

"Never mind that. You live with Cho Gonou, and that's all that matters."

"I don't see why."

"Tell me, Gojyo." It was really grating on me now to have him talk to me like we were old friends, "What sort of relationship is that?"

"What are you talking about?"

He spoke more slowly, like I was too stupid to get it, "Your relationship with Cho Gonou. What sort of relationship is it?"

I didn't get it, so he was right about that anyway. More importantly, I was afraid of why he wanted to know. I couldn't think to do anything but stall.

"Sexual?" He guessed.

"Fuck no." I blurted.

"Platonic then?"

"That's the opposite of sexual, right?"

"Is it a business relationship?"

"Yep. Strictly business."

"I've never heard of business partners living together. It seems that you'd develop sensibilities that might interfere. Judgment might be impaired, for example. Friendship might develop."

"Maybe."

"And as a friend, you would have a pretty good idea as to his current whereabouts, am I right?"

"I never said we were friends."

"You didn't have to. I inferred it. Now, I'll ask again, and this time I want an answer. Where is Cho Gonou?"

"You mean right now?"

"Of course."

"Don't have a clue. Can I go home?"

Gan sighed and stood up, paced around behind me with his hands clasped behind his back, "Very well then, you've been straight with me, so allow me to be straight with you."

"Great. Then I can go home, right?"

"Cho Gonou—Hakkai, as you call him—committed some very serious crimes some time ago; I'm sure you know. Apparently now, he's attempting to start over with a new life, however, unfortunately for him, past actions cannot be so easily erased. Particularly such brutal actions, and I'm afraid murder is not something people are likely to forgive. There is a small group of people, Gojyo, some distance from here, that was greatly affected by the murderous actions of Cho Gonou, and now they demand that Cho Hakkai pay the price for said actions. In other words, although he sees himself as starting anew and slowly atoning for what he's done, they see the same old abhorrent villain who stole their home and their loved ones, and rest does not come easily to them."

"What're you saying? You're from Hakkai's old village or something?"

"No, not I." He paced back to the table and crushed out the butt of his cigarette, "I've been hired by those unfortunate people in order to bring justice to Cho Gonou, no matter the cost."

A bounty hunter?

"It's my job." He re-iterated, "Finding Cho Gonou and taking him back to the ones who hired me is nothing more than business to me, which is why I see no need to strike you when you're insolent, or punish you in anyway for that matter. In a manner of speaking, this has nothing to do with you."

"Then why in the hell did you drag me over here?" I was beyond peeved now, but I wasn't quite angry…. More than anything, I was confused, and I was starting to feel a little afraid. Not for me though.

"I have an interesting proposition for you, my friend. If you agree to hear me out and sit quietly, I'll remove those handcuffs, just to prove I feel that I can trust you."

What an idiot.

"Yeah, okay. Whatever."

With another cold twist of his mouth, he unlocked the handcuffs.

I rubbed my wrists, feeling that they were bruised and a little scratched, looked around toward the door again, where the other douchers were still standing guard, almost like statues. It wasn't going to do me any good to fight my way out now. I had to know what in the hell was happening, and Gan was definitely the kind of guy to shoot if he was attacked. I could just feel it. No matter how much he said he didn't want to punish me for any of this, he wasn't going to just stand there as I bashed his head in with the chair I was sitting on. So I decided I'd hear him out, sit quietly, and smoke a cigarette before my nicky fit got too bad to handle.

"I have quite a force with me, Gojyo. Almost a hundred men, armed, willing and waiting. How can I afford to pay such a force? Well, I'm a very advanced professional, and I only take on assignments that I'm sure can pay myself, as well as my soldiers."

I wondered how the people who'd hired him had gotten that kind of money.

"I could go to your house, I suppose." He was pacing again, and it made me feel a little nervous, like a shark was circling me, "I could take all my men, trash the place, kill you, and drag Cho Gonou away screaming. It would be a simple matter of researching your location and your individual routines."

I snorted suddenly, "What an conceited thing to say."

He turned a wide, somewhat irritated eye on me. I felt like it was the first real expression he'd made, "I beg your pardon?"

"Well." I puffed my cigarette, "You already know what a filthy murderer Hakkai is. What makes you think a hundred humans are going to be able to stand up to a guy who's killed a thousand youkai? Just seems kinda' conceited to me."

Now, beyond that twisted smile, I could see I'd made him angry, and in spite of what he'd said earlier, he backhanded me with a vicious swipe, knocking the cigarette out of my mouth. "Conceited, am I? In that case, you're rather pretentious yourself, Sha Gojyo."

I gaped at him a second, barely stopping myself from jumping up and hitting him back.

"You know, why should it matter to me in the slightest that you didn't ask to be thrown into the middle of this? _You_ haven't killed a thousand youkai. Even if you did, somehow I doubt any fantastic phenomenon would come of it. I could have killed you without so much as batting an eye and continued to pursue Cho Gonou, unaffected, but instead I've chosen to take pity on you and your situation, and have brought you here, not to ask a series of repetitive questions, but to make an offer to you.

"See, I'm a man capable of great violence, but I don't delight in taking lives. Everything is a computation, and at times my job requires the shedding of blood, but if I can find a way to resolve the issues without killing, I'll take it. I would rather not kill you on my way to getting Cho Gonou, and I would rather not have a lengthy, bloody battle with him, if I can help it. And so, I thought I could help you, and myself, in a single swoop."

"God, you sure talk a lot." I drawled, just to piss him off. It was the best I could do in the way of getting him back for hitting me. Right now anyway. "Quit babbling about how great you think you are and just tell me what it is you want."

He gave me a flash of perfectly straight, white teeth, "What I want is for you to help me help you. Hand Cho Gonou over to me, and I'll make sure to make it worth your while."

"You crazy?" I demanded, "You want me to betray, Hakkai? That's what you brought me here for?"

"Betray is a very ugly word, but yes, I suppose you can think of it that way. Believe me, there will be a hefty reward in it for you."

"No way. I don't give a shit what's in it for me. I'm not gonna' help you capture Hakkai."

"Now, now, don't be so hasty. I'm not sure you understand the magnitude of what I'm promising you."

"I don't care what-"

"Tell me something, Gojyo. You strike me as a bit of a playboy, am I right? Gamble here, pick up women there, drink til you're sick, piss the night away?"

"Your damn informants told you that too, huh?"

"No, I can spot a punk when I see one is all. I know quite a bit about living fast myself, and I know that cheap bets can only take one so far. If you agree to cooperate with me though, I will see to it that you receive a percentage of the bounty."

"That so?" I tried to hide my interest. Mostly though, I just wanted to know what kind of bounty Hakkai had on his head.

"Indeed. How does seven-hundred-thousand yen sound?"

I curled my lip back disdainfully, "You want me to sell my partner out for seven-hundred-thousand yen?"

"Well, it's hardly a fortune, I agree, but it would certainly set a degenerate like you up for a good long while; and if you play your cards right—forgive the pun—you could easily become a very rich man."

"How do I know you'd actually give me anything?"

"I'd provide the sum from my own pocket, of course. The bounty I get from delivering Cho Gonou would more than make up for it."

Of course it would. Damn Hakkai had to be so freakin' notorious.

"No deal."

Gan shook his head faintly, "No, no, you're being much too hasty, Gojyo. Even a gambler must know there are some decisions that can't be made on a whim. Take time to consider, I implore you; perhaps in a few hours, when you're hard up and hungry and lonely, my proposition might look very appealing."

I got up, "I don't need to think about it. I'm not interested."

"Not at the moment. I still think you ought to weigh the factors and let me know what conclusion you come to. Suppose I give you twenty-four hours to think it over, and then we'll discuss the situation further."

Gan smiled knowingly at my expression and delved into his pocket.

My body tensed out of instinct.

"Don't be so apprehensive, Gojyo-chan." There was a touch of a laugh in his voice, like seeing me edgy was funny somehow. He pulled out a small, gray leather pouch and shoved it into my hands. I could feel that it was heavy with money. "Take that as collateral if you like, and if in twenty-four hours, you're still inclined to say no to my offer, you can keep it. However, consider this as well: if you do refuse my offer and go so far as to aid Cho Gonou, you'll find yourself going down with him, I'm sure."

By that he meant if I came back and told him no, he'd just kill me. If I wasn't going to help, I was going to be in the way.

"That would be such a waste, don't you think?"

I didn't answer, and he smiled, "I can see the wheels in your little brain turning now. You know, regardless of how he's been living this last year or so, Cho Gonou is still a murderer; and once an animal's tasted blood they can never go back. How safe is it to be living with such a sinister individual?"

I looked the wallet over, testing its weight, "You don't know much about Hakkai, do you?"

Gan continued to smile, but I could tell that had pissed him off too. After all his stupid research and spying, how dare I tell him he didn't know anything about his mark? It was a small victory.

"Twenty-four hours." He reminded me.

After that, they slipped the bag back over my head and marched me out, hopefully back the way we'd come, and when they finally let me go and vanished into the night, I was back in Nianzu, just a few blocks from the bar.

The little town seemed to have completely shut down since I was gone, even though I didn't think it could be a minute past nine. The night was warm and quiet, but I felt cold and troubled as I stood there, trying to convince myself that what had just happened was actually real. It had taken a couple hours when all was said and done, and yet it felt like everything had happened in the blink of an eye, and now I was left with this terrible sense of foreboding.

I knew Hakkai had done a lot of dark things in the past, but it had never occurred to me that there might still be people somewhere who wanted to get him back for it, which was stupid when I thought about it. He'd killed a thousand youkai all by himself, and I didn't even know how many humans he'd murdered. It made sense that there would be survivors, or family or lovers or someone who would want to make him pay for it. Still, putting a bounty on his head?

A little slowly, I started to walk. It was going to take a couple hours to get home, and by the time I got there, it would be pretty late, but I couldn't bring myself to hurry, and I kept glancing over my shoulder, checking to see if I was being followed. Why should they follow me though? Gan obviously knew where Hakkai and I lived—he must have, if he knew we were rooming together—so if he wanted to attack the house, he could, just like he'd said.

No, he really wanted me to go home, decide seven-hundred-thousand yen sounded pretty nice and sell Hakkai out. Maybe he thought it would be easier like that.

It would be. Fighting Hakkai was suicide, especially for a bunch of humans, but if I set him up and walked him into a trap, it would be easy to capture him. He trusted me, after all.

Along the way, I smoked a lot, and thought hard. Seven-hundred-thousand yen wasn't worth it to me, but it wasn't too shabby, and if Gan was going to take a pretty high percentage of the bounty for himself, plus pay almost a hundred other men, the bounty on Hakkai's head must have really been something, and as far as I knew, the village Hakkai came from hadn't been all that fancy. I wondered again how the people who'd hired Gan could afford to pay the reward money.

At first I thought their must really be a lot of people who wanted Hakkai dead, but now I wondered if they hadn't spent the last year and a half scraping the money together, painstakingly, setting aside everything they earned just so they could have their one shot at revenge. It was almost sad.

Seven-hundred-thousand yen. What could I actually do with that kind of money? It wasn't like it would set me up for life, but Gan was right about one thing; if I gambled well enough, I could multiply it until I was one rich bastard. I had the skills at cards to pull it off, my problem had always been coming up with the money to gamble in the first place. Before I met Hakkai, that had usually cut into my food money after a while.

_Wouldn't it be nice to be rich?_

The thought floated through my head, and then I couldn't stop it. Wouldn't it be nice to live in some choice mansion, with a few servants maybe, all the food and drink and stuff I could ever want? Women. Power. Friends. Anything and everything. Not like being rich had ever been a dream of mine, but it wasn't something I'd pass up if I got a chance at it. Who didn't want to be loaded? Who didn't want to live in a huge, fancy house and eat like a king, play all the games of the rich and famous, pay your way out of any trouble you got into, have people there bending to your every whim, and…

Suddenly it was all too easy to put myself in that image of the rich I'd dreamed up ever since I was a kid when I used to watch the fat bags and their women pass by and look down their nose at me. Back when I used to think they had more than enough money to toss a few coins my way.

Did I really want to be like that? Would it be worth it to step on Hakkai just to get there?

_Not really._ I decided, right around the time the lights of my house came into view. Hakkai was home, of course, and probably had been for a few hours, totally oblivious to the complications I'd run into.

I stood there and smoked a while. The money wasn't really the issue…it was something else, some sense of obligation maybe, and even if I couldn't label all my reasons not to betray Hakkai, I knew not everyone was going to have that restraint. Gan was going to make a ton of money off Hakkai's bounty, so it wasn't like I could talk him out of it, or he'd back off if we threatened him. If I didn't agree to help him, he was going to hunt Hakkai down and stop at nothing to bring him in. Why did that bother me so much?

It shouldn't bother me. It should be as easy as telling Hakkai what happened today and then keeping a look out for that asshole, and when he came knocking, we'd send him packing. That should be simple for us. We'd probably even get a chance to complete Sanzo's stupid mission in the meantime. So what was it that was freaking me out?

Finally, I moved toward the door, dropping the half-smoked butt of my last cigarette and taking a deep breath. I didn't know why I was freaked out, and I didn't know what I was going to say to Hakkai, but suddenly it seemed like there was a really rotten smell ruining the fresh, summer air.

Trying to act casual and normal, I stepped inside.

Hakkai must have been listening for me, because he came around the corner a split second later, frowning, "It's almost midnight. I was beginning to think you weren't coming back."

I studied him silently. He was wearing his glasses, so he looked all intellectual and mild-mannered, and his green eyes looked totally innocent. I spent a moment searching for that piercing stare or some murderous intent, but I didn't see any sign of the bloodthirsty animal Gan had hinted at. Not today.

"Gojyo?"

"Yeah, sorry."

"Did investigating Nianzu really take that long? I was under the impression that isn't a very large place."

I checked over my shoulder again, just to make sure we were alone. What if Gan really had followed me and he burst in here now, with all his willing, armed men? I liked to think the two of us would just deal with it, but suddenly I felt like it wasn't enough to just assume Hakkai could handle anyone that crossed him. I needed to be sure.

I shut the door behind me, locking it as nonchalantly as possible, well aware that I never bothered locking the door. "It took a little longer than I thought it would, that's all."

"I see. I thought maybe you'd gotten mixed up in something." He added under his breath, "Or distracted."

"Naw, I stayed on task the whole time. What about you? You figure anything out in Chang'an?"

"Apparently a number of strangers have been hanging around that area, but I was unable to locate their headquarters. I also searched the wilderness in the surrounding area, but that didn't yield any results either. Wherever they're hiding, it's not in Chang'an."

That seemed weird to me. If he didn't find anything in Chang'an, and I didn't find anything in Nianzu, where would they be hiding? "Couldn't they be somewhere else? I mean, Sanzo only told us to look there because that's where they've been attacking."

"I thought they might be somewhere in our town."

"What would they be doing here?"

"I'm not sure, but we are located directly between Nianzu and Chang'an, and I think it's unlikely that such a large gang could camp out without anyone noticing. They have to have access to some sort of civilization, and whatever their goals may be, whether they go to Nianzu or Chang'an, they could get their easily enough from right here, and no one would think to look for them."

_Whatever their goals may be…_

What had Sanzo said about the gang trying to get his attention? What would they need his attention for, unless they were setting a trap? But what would anyone want to trap Sanzo for? What if they were after something else? What if they weren't after Sanzo?

"Gojyo?"

_What would they be after instead? Relics and shit?_

They'd stolen plenty in the last two weeks? Any good thief knew that you didn't hang around in the same area after you'd made your hit. What were they doing, trying to get caught?

"It looks like you have an idea." Hakkai was looking at me intently, "Care to share?"

"It's nothing. I'm just thinking. Anyway, what do you think we should do?"

"Well." He sighed, "I suppose we don't have much choice; as long as we have nothing to go off of, there's not much we _can_ do, so I recommend we gather more evidence. Tomorrow we'll take a look around town and see if we can't find some sign of them."

Tomorrow Gan would want my answer even though I'd already given it to him, twice. Would he come looking for me, just pop up randomly? Would he try to nab Hakkai while he was at it?

No way. Not while I was standing right there.

"At any rate." Hakkai was staring at me again, "As long as there's nothing more to say, I think I'll get some sleep. Tomorrow may turn out to be a long day."

"No kidding." I mumbled, watched him walk away, and then I felt the sudden need to warn him. I just wasn't sure how or what to tell him exactly. I guess it would be better to tell him what had happened than have him be unsuspecting if they came tomorrow. "Hey, Hakkai."

"Yes. What is it?"

What should I tell him exactly? That there were some bounty hunters out to get him? It might not do me any good.

"Did you think of something else perhaps?"

Think. I needed to think some more. For once I didn't want to jump in headfirst and hope the water wasn't shallow. I had to have my own game plan before I told him anything. Maybe I could convince Gan to just forget the whole thing. Maybe we could make some kind of deal and he'd just leave Hakkai alone.

It was a stretch, and I knew it.

"Never mind. It's nothing. Night."

He stood and looked at me a moment or two, like he was expecting me to say something else, or like he had a question to ask, but eventually he just smiled, "Good night, Gojyo."

Hakkai woke up at the break of day—I guess going to bed early meant he was going to get up even earlier than usual—I heard him messing around in the kitchen, but I stayed where I was. I hadn't gotten much sleep because I kept playing the conversation I'd had with Gan in my head over and over again, and I still hadn't figured out what I should do. On one hand, it seemed like it was my duty to say something. And at the same time, who was I to think I could protect Hakkai? Wasn't I being a little pretentious thinking he needed me to protect him in the first place? I mean, sure, I wanted to prevent anything bad from happening, but who said anything was going to happen? I just didn't know what to expect.

He came and knocked on my door around eight, but I pretended to keep sleeping; he was back three more times after that, and the third time he sounded so annoyed, I knew I couldn't push him anymore, so I got up and went to take a shower. By the time I was done with that, it was almost nine thirty, and Hakkai looked pissed when I walked into the kitchen, only half-dressed and still dripping wet.

"What are you doing?" He demanded, "We don't have time for a leisurely start. If we're going to get this done today, we must act with haste."

I didn't know what to say to that. I couldn't explain why I was so worried about this, but there was a tense feeling growing in the pit of my stomach, and I just couldn't shake it. There was more going on here than I was aware of, and I had this desperate feeling that if Hakkai left the house today, he wasn't coming back.

It didn't make sense, and it pissed me off; I couldn't help snapping at him, "Hey, we're not all morning people, okay? I don't like rolling out of bed and running out the door."

"Yes, I noticed. Perhaps if you'd gotten up earlier you wouldn't have to."

I didn't want to fight with him, I realized. Not with that creepy 'I'll never see him again' feeling sitting just under my lungs. Sighing, I pushed wet hair back from my head, "Hey, I got an idea. Let's just not do this today."

"What on earth are you talking about? It's not as if we have a choice, or did you forget that as well?"

"Of course we got a choice, Hakkai. Sanzo asked us to do him a favor, it's not like it's mandatory."

He got this confused look on his face, "Well, that's true. However, I don't think we can back out just because you don't feel like going anywhere today. It's not what Sanzo would consider a valid excuse, and I'm inclined to agree."

"I'm not sayin' we shouldn't do it at all; I'm just sayin' we should put it off for a day."

"But to what point?"

"It's just one of those things I think we need to wait out." I muttered.

The annoyed expression came back, "Oh, nonsense. We're under the impression that the next incident will take place tonight, which gives us a limited window of time to find any information, so we need to get started immediately. Now if you don't want to come with me, feel welcome to stay here, but know that I'll be severely disappointed if you do."

Go figure, the last thing I wanted was for him to go off without me, so I threw on a shirt and went out, hair still wet. Not that it mattered: from the feel of things, today would be just as hot as yesterday.

As we walked, Hakkai babbled about all his different theories, and I tried to tell myself I was making a big deal out of nothing. There was no reason to be worried: Hakkai was a grown dude, and I shouldn't have to look after him.

It was just that Gan seemed so confident, even when I told him he wouldn't have enough men to deal with Hakkai. Maybe he was bluffing, just counting on me agreeing to help him, but what if he knew something I didn't? What if there was some ace up his sleeve and we weren't going to know what it was until he sprang it on us? What if that asshole actually caught Hakkai? That would suck.

"Is something wrong?" He asked.

"No."

"You're being unusually quiet. I can't help but feel there must be something on your mind."

"I'm just thinking this might be a bad day for this, that's all."

"Yes, you made that clear enough before we left, but until you can provide me with a good reason for why that is, I'm disinclined to take it seriously." He hesitated to look at me, "Gojyo, is there a good reason we shouldn't do this today?"

"Hell, I dunno."

"I'm sorry then, but I don't think we can afford to make such important decisions based on your personal sentiments."

"I know. Look, somethin' happened yesterday."

"Something concerning our mission?"

"Um, no, not exactly."

"Well then?"

"I ran into a guy yesterday." I took a quick look around, hoping Gan wouldn't materialize out of nowhere just because I was bringing him up. That ass didn't scare me, but I just knew somehow that I had to keep him as far from Hakkai as possible. I didn't think you got to be a professional bounty hunter with a squadron of a hundred men by being merciful and sweet.

"A guy?" He sounded dubious.

"A bounty hunter."

"I see. And I suppose this bounty hunter is in pursuit of the same goal that you and I are after."

"Would'ja' let me finish, man? No, he's not, actually. He's after _you_ Hakkai."

Hakkai slid a glance at me out of the corner of his eye, expecting me to tell him it was a joke or something probably, and then he said again, "I see."

"That's it? 'I see'?"

"What would you like me to say? I suppose I'm supposed to go all to pieces and completely lose composure, lock myself in my room and hide until I know it's safe." He laughed bitterly. "I can't believe that's why you don't want to go anywhere today."

"Hey." I snapped, agitated that he was taking my concern so lightly, "Did you hear what I said? This guy means business: he's got like a hundred men with him, all just waiting to take a crack at you. I mean, I didn't think you'd fall on your face and start cryin', but for fuck's sake, dude, don't _laugh_ about it."

"Ah, Gojyo. You must forgive me. Of course I appreciate your adamant concern for my well-being. Still, what do you take me for? Naturally, I've been expecting _someone_ to come after me sooner or later."

"You have?"

He gave me a reproachful look, "I murdered hundreds and hundreds of people; how foolish would I have to be to think I could go the remainder of my life without facing the consequences every here and again?"

"Yeah, but after everything that happened with Sanzo and changing your name and all that shit, I guess I just assumed-"

"Assumed changing my name and rearranging my entire life would automatically fend off any avengers who might want a pound of flesh for the blood I spilled? I wish it were that simple."

Frustrated, I grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at me, "I just wanted to warn you, all right? In case a bunch of psychos jump you in the alley today it won't be a total shocker."

He started to say something, probably to give me more bullshit about it not mattering, and then his expression mellowed, "I apologize, it's not that I don't appreciate that, it's just that I…would rather not deal with it at all, I suppose. There's enough to be concerned with already."

"I know."

We began to walk again, "What did this bounty hunter say to you?"

"Eh. A lot." I discarded my cigarette and got out my pack, disappointed to see I had only two left, and then I remembered that I'd burned through most of them last night on my way home. I grinned, trying to make the situation seem less serious, but there was still a lump of rocks sitting in my gut, "He tried to convince me to set you up."

"Hm, that would explain why he approached you in the first place. Was he a youkai?"

"Nope. Human. And I think all his boys are probably human too. Not sure though."

"A hundred humans?"

"Almost a hundred."

"That should prove to be amusing, don't you think?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"What in the world are you so worried about? Don't tell me you think I can't handle a few humans."

I tried one last time to figure out what I was freaking out for, but there was just that nervousness I couldn't explain, and that sickening vibe that there was more to it than I knew, "Just…they have guns."

Hakkai smiled calmly, "Humans with guns. How novel. You and I are both rather used to humans with guns though, aren't we."  
>"This guy ain't like Sanzo, Hakkai." I told him as we walked into town, "He's one cold son-of-a-bitch."<p>

"He let you go though."

"Like I said, he wanted me to set you up."

"I'm honestly surprised you turned him down."

I laughed at that, just for the hell of it. "He wasn't offering that much."

We went the rest of the way in silence, and I wondered if Hakkai was more bothered by what I'd told him than he was letting on.

The town was slower than I expected, and the heat was starting to get unbearable, especially for being so early in the day, so I figured most people were staying inside to keep cool. "What're we looking for?" I asked.

"Evidence. Clues. Leads." He laughed suddenly, "I'm afraid I really don't know. I'm at a total loss as to how we're expected to track these people down. So far, nothing has worked."

"Great. You don't know, I don't know. This sucks ass."

"It's too early to be giving up though, so why don't we split up and start searching?"

Would it make me a total pussy if I said I'd rather not split up?

_What the hell does it matter?_

I draped my arm over his shoulder, "I vote we stick together."

"We can cover much more ground separately."

"I ain't in the mood to go wandering around alone—this town's mondo boring by yourself."

"By all means, I wouldn't want you to feel anything less than exhilarated." He answered mildly, but he didn't argue anymore, so I got my way, and we kept going. After a couple of minutes had passed he said, "This bounty hunter really has you on the edge, doesn't he?"

I scanned the crowd, looking for anybody who looked like they belonged to a gang, took a drag off my cigarette, "I can kick that guy's ass any day of the week; seriously though, this town _is _boring."

Hakkai just chuckled.

No good. Everyone I saw was someone I knew, or at least they were familiar. "Damn, I been living in this place way too long."

"In this case, that's a good thing. If there's someone we don't know it means they haven't been in town very long."

We hunted around a while, but I didn't think we were getting anywhere. I didn't see so much as one completely unfamiliar face, and no one we talked to knew anything about a gang. Most of them just wanted to gab their ass off about all the latest gossip or whatever. Hakkai was polite enough to humor them for a couple minutes, but I was getting annoyed, and for some reason, what Sanzo had said yesterday was bugging me.

_It's like they wanted to get our attention, but as soon as we start looking for them they're nowhere to be seen._

And why did that bother me so much?

All day I found myself sticking close to Hakkai, doing my best to keep him in sight. It felt idiotic and even a little paranoid, but I had this reoccurring image of turning my back for a moment and him getting mobbed when I wasn't looking.

Then again, would they really jump him in broad daylight, in public? On our turf?

The sun got higher and higher, and by noon the heat was unbearable; I stood back under a shop awning, leaning against the wall and adjusted my sunglasses, looked up and down the street, noticing how it had cleared out in a matter of a half hour.

"Well." Hakkai said beside me, "So far this has been utterly fruitless."

"You can say that again."

He shielded his eyes and looked up at the sky, "I'd say it's about time for lunch. I think I'll go inside and get us some food. Please stay here and keep your eyes open for anyone suspicious."

"You want me to stay here?" I asked incredulously.

"Why yes. You're the one with the separation anxiety disorder today, not me; and besides, we'll be all the more efficient that way."

"It's inefficient for two of us to go in and buy lunch?"

"Please just stay here, Gojyo." He repeated, with a touch of annoyance this time, headed into the shop, "I'm only going inside a moment."

I watched after him a second, sighed, but I knew he was right. I was being ridiculous, and I didn't even know why. Worrying this way wasn't like me. Still, if something happened to Hakkai because I was dicking around when he needed me, I'd feel like such an asshole.

The street was almost completely empty now. There was a stray cat across the street, digging through a trash can, but as far as people went there were just a few, walking with the slow stagger of heat exhaustion. A couple guys were hanging around the front of the bar a few doors down, standing in the shade and bitching about the heat.

I saw a chick coming my way: she was wearing a long dress, much too modest, and definitely impractical in this heat, and a hat with a wide brim. I noticed that she still had all her energy, walking quickly; I watched her with interest, paying special attention to the swing of her hips and the bounce of her breasts. She was definitely one of the most attractive girls I'd seen in a while: there was something about that modesty that was cute to me, and her light, brown hair was shining in the sunlight, flowing back over her shoulders like a cape, almost to her tight, plump ass. I stared at her a good long time as she came up the road, completely forgetting about Hakkai.

When she was just a few yards away from me, she stopped suddenly and looked up at me from under the brim of her hat, and I saw full, pink lips, rosy cheeks, and the greenest eyes I'd ever seen…on a chick anyway. There was something hauntingly familiar about that face, and for a second, I thought I was seeing things.

She smiled at me, suddenly crossed the street, skirt swishing around her legs, and disappeared down the alley.

I noticed a man was standing in the doorway to the building directly across from me; it was a guy I didn't know, never seen before in my life, and I would have remembered. He was about as tall as me, with this outrageous, bleached-blonde hair that he had spiked really high, and he was wearing a black, leather jacket, which was just nuts in this weather. When he saw me looking at him, he indicated for me to come over to him.

It seemed stupid to just go, but the dude looked punky enough, and if I let the closet thing we'd had to a lead all day just get away, I'd never hear the end of it.

I looked over my shoulder; Hakkai was laughing with the cashier girl, flirting with her, for all I knew. He'd be fine. In two minutes, he was going to come outside, and then he'd probably head across the street to see what I was doing.

Tossing my cigarette down, I crossed the street and headed in the man's direction. He watched me come, hands at his sides, and he looked almost like a statue. Something about that level of control and caution was familiar. I stopped just out of arm's reach, in case he tried to gut me or something out of nowhere. "Can I help you, pal?"

A knowing smile came across his lips, but there was something really cruel about his face, "Sha Gojyo?" His voice was like ice.

It startled me that he knew my name, but I didn't let it show. I didn't want to look weak in front of a punk-ass like him. "Yeah. What?"

"My name is Shaozu."

Man, this whole thing was just getting weirder and weirder; I almost asked him why he thought I gave a shit what his name was, but decided I'd better just play along with him, for the sake of Sanzo's precious, little mission; I watched across the street momentarily, keeping one eye on Shaozu, but Hakkai didn't come out.

"You need somethin', Shaozu? Or can I just go back to my life?"

"Not me." There was a certain crispness to that smile now, "But Gan would like a word with you."

I looked up, leaving my surprise unmasked for a moment; I hadn't expected this to be about Gan.

"He's inside." Shaozu went on calmly, and then was quiet, looking out at the street like he was waiting for something.

Immediately, I was nervous. This asshole worked for Gan, or with Gan, or whatever, and Gan was inside right now. Did that mean he had us surrounded? Maybe when Hakkai stepped outside they'd all jump him, and I'd be over here like an idiot. I almost ran back across the street, but I would be stupid to think that not giving Gan an answer would delay him.

"Hey, thanks, man." I snorted, shouldering past him.

Shaozu went back to standing there like a statue.

The inside was dim, just like the bar from yesterday; I found myself in a wide, open room with a single table and just one chair. There was a big, black, iron pot sitting beside the door and a deserted counter off on my right, the wall behind the counter lined with shelf after shelf, each cluttered with little glass bottles and jars and whatever, but I could tell from the cobwebs and dust that no one had touched any of that for years; then I remembered that this had been some kind of herbal medicine shop once. An old youkai lady had run it, and people in the area said she was a witch. That was forever ago though—back when I first started living in this town. I wondered whatever happened to that old nag.

Now, the place looked empty to me. There wasn't so much as a fly buzzing around, and the room was unbearably stuffy, so I hung back near the door, hoping the fresh air would keep me from suffocating.

I'd only been there a second when Gan stepped out of the shadows. I guess he'd been standing over by the window, looking out at the town.

"We meet again." He said in his ultra-calm tone.

"Looks like it. It hasn't been twenty-four hours yet, you know."

"I'm aware. I only wanted to check in, see if perhaps you'd made up your mind early."

"That's good, I guess, 'cause I did." I pulled the wallet he'd given me yesterday out of my pocket and dropped it, gave it a kick so it bounced off his boot. "Like I already said. Not interested."

"I'm afraid that isn't a very wise choice, Gojyo."

"That a threat?" I narrowed my gaze at him. If this ass was going to start threatening me, I might just take him out right here, right now, before he got a chance to pull his gun on me.

"Not exactly, but I don't think you're really considering the ramifications of your decision."

"Oh, I am. There's no way I'm joining up with a scummy bounty hunter like you."

"Very well then, if I can't change your mind, there's no help for it. Have a nice life, Gojyo." He turned to walk away from me. It looked like he was heading for the backroom.

I called after him, stopping him in his tracks, "Look asshole, I get that you gotta' job to do, but I'm warning you: you better get the hell outta' this town and leave Hakkai alone."

Gan didn't answer; he was frozen a minute or two, and I thought he'd never say anything, and then I heard him snort a vague laugh. "Is that a hint of protectiveness I detect in your voice, Gojyo?"

"I don't need to protect Hakkai." I answered bluntly. "He can take care of himself; but I think you deserve to know, if you're fucking with him, you're fucking with me too."

"Business partners indeed." He looked back at me, finally, "Well if that's the way you wish to play, so be it, but allow me to reciprocate with a friendly warning of my own."

"Cool. Let's hear it."

"Watch your back, Gojyo; touching as your loyalty may be, I doubt you can count on your so-called partner to return the favor. He's as cold-blooded as a snake."

He walked away, disappearing into the shadows again, and I watched after him an agitating moment; I didn't really know why, but for some reason it really pissed me off to hear him say those things about Hakkai. I knew none of it was true though, so I went back outside.

Shaozu was gone, and the air seemed even hotter. "Goddamn." I started up on a cigarette, and then I noticed that Hakkai had come out of the store while I was inside. He was standing on the side of the street now, talking to a girl. I almost laughed and yelled over to him, but stopped myself when I noticed his body language.

He was totally stiff, standing still, and something about his posture made me feel like he was going to either attack or take off running. The food he'd bought was scattered around his feet.

My heartbeat was starting to pick up again. I studied the woman he was talking to, noticing her hat and long dress, realized it was the girl who'd smiled at me earlier. I wondered what she'd done to Hakkai to make him look so freaked. She was standing pretty casually, hands behind her back, leaning forward flirtatiously, and I could see that she was talking, hear her murmuring voice fluttering across the arid expanse between us.

None of it made sense. Hakkai done with women, for the time being at least, thanks to what had happened to Kanan, but I'd never seen him get all freaked out around one.

I decided to quit wondering about it and go find out what the hell was going on. I'd had just about enough weirdness for the week.

When I was halfway across the street, I could hear what they were saying, and my blood started running cold.

"…you're dead…" Hakkai gasped. "I-I saw it…I was there…"

"Gonou, what are you talking about?" She reached toward him.

"K-Kanan…I don't understand…how could you have come back to life?"

"What do you mean, silly? Stop saying such creepy things and let's go home now." She smiled and giggled.

"What the fuck?" I was just about to call out to him when I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye, turned to see that there was a man standing just inside the doorway of the shop next to the store Hakkai had come out of. In the building next to him I saw another. And then another. And another. I looked over my shoulder. Shaozu was standing like a statue, out in front of the building where Gan had been.

Suddenly, I understood everything.

"Hakkai! Get down!"

I ran, but it didn't matter; the world was in slow motion now: nothing was moving, even the sky was standing still, and I felt like the day had come to a total standstill. I wasn't going to get to him in time, and it probably wouldn't make much difference, even if I did. I was such an idiot for not figuring all this out sooner.

The girl reached for Hakkai.

He started to take her hand.

"Hakkai, wait!" I slammed against him, knocking him off balance, and we both had to struggle not to fall all over each other. "What are you doing?" I demanded.

"Gojyo…where did you come from?" He sounded like he was a million miles away, and he was only looking at me because I was right in his face. I saw horror and fascination dancing in his eyes. It was an expression I'd never seen before.

"Never mind, we gotta' get out of here, right now."

"Who's your friend, darling?" The woman asked. She had a voice sweet as rain and clear as crystal.

Hakkai went on staring at her.

I turned to give her a piece of my mind, thinking about hitting her right in the face, "Who the fuck are _you_? That's the real question."

"Kanan." Hakkai murmured, sounding like he was going into some kind of freaky, emotional coma. "Gojyo, this is Kanan."

"No it isn't." I snapped, giving his arm a twist. "C'mon, let's get the hell out of here, Hakkai."

"It is though…. I don't know how, but it is."

"Didn't you hear me? I said we have to leave. Now."

He went on staring.

She giggled, "Your friend is funny, Gonou."

"Don't call him that." I growled, then tugged Hakkai's shirt collar, trying not to seem too frantic, "Dude, listen to me. We're totally surrounded: those bounty hunters I told you about earlier tricked us. If we don't get moving they're gonna' kill you, and-"

"Bounty hunters?" The fake Kanan laughed, "What an imagination he has. I see you like to keep as entertaining company as ever, my love."

"And _that_ is not Kanan." I finished.

"Her hair. Her face. Her eyes. Gojyo…it must be."

"But it's not!" I screamed in his face, but it didn't so much as faze him.

Gan's voice echoed through the streets suddenly, "Cho Gonou. My name is Colonel Gan: my men and I have you surrounded as we speak."

I saw him standing further down the street, a squadron of men lined up behind him, weapons drawn. They weren't aiming at us yet, but that could change quickly enough.

"I'd like to request that you accompany me now, Cho Gonou; if you surrender and come quietly, no harm will befall you, or your friends."

For the first time, Hakkai seemed to come out of his daze. I felt him grip my arm, "What's happening?"

"It's like I said, dumbass." I snarled. "They got us surrounded: they're gonna' kill you."

"But Kanan…they won't shoot as long as she's standing here."

"Yeah, 'cause she's working with them!"

He gave me the dirtiest look, "I beg your pardon?"

"Fuck. Have you gone bat-shit, man!" I grabbed his collar. "This chick is not Kanan!"

Gan called to me next, "Sha Gojyo, I suggest you move along, if you don't want to get caught in the middle of this."

What an asshole. As if I wasn't already in the middle of this. As if I wasn't wrapped up tight at the center of the whole dick-sucking thing. As if it wasn't my fault this was happening to Hakkai in the first place.

My mind raced. _I should have warned him. I should have made him listen to me. I should have never let him walk out the front door this morning. I shouldn't have let him go in the store by himself._

No time for that.

The girl was wheedling away again, "Gonou, what's going on? Who are all these men? Please, can't you take me home now? I want to go home."

He was just staring at her again, lips shaking. He reached toward her with a trembling hand, like he could only dream about actually touching her face. I heard him whisper, "It can't really be you, can it."

"No, it can't," I growled, shoving him back.

"If you refuse to cooperate." Gan warned, "We will take you by force. I suggest you boys do yourself a favor and don't put up any sort of resistance."

"That man. He's the bounty hunter you spoke of?"

"Damn straight. Now wipe the fucking stars out of your eyes and let's go!"

For the first time I noticed that they were closing in. Men were coming from all sides, weapons ready; they were dressed in heavy uniforms, helmets on their heads, and they had some pretty serious machinery.

I was getting that sick feeling again.

I grabbed Hakkai harshly by the shoulders, forcing him to look me in the eyes again, "Come on, man, snap out of it! If we don't do something we're both gonna' get slaughtered right here!"

A few citizens were peeking out of the buildings now. The handful of people that were actually in the street drifted to the side to stand back and talk and speculate. Most of them were people who knew us, but I could worry about explaining all this later, if I got Hakkai out of this alive.

The hunters were practically on top of us now. Shaozu was just a couple steps away, smiling coldly and jangling a pair of handcuffs. "You heard the Colonel, Cho Gonou. Surrender, and I promise not to hurt Kanan."

Eyes flashing, Hakkai turned on him, "You wouldn't dare."

"Oh-ho, wouldn't I? She's a beautiful woman—I might actually enjoy what I have in mind for her."

I couldn't believe this; it was a nightmare, and if Hakkai fell for this bullshit, I might just lose my mind.

He glared at Shaozu, a little defiantly, but I could see that he wasn't going to stand up and give them the best damn rumble they'd ever had. He was going to back down and give in, all because some stupid girl looked like Kanan.

Well, I wasn't going to sit by and watch this shit happen. I didn't know how much I could do by myself, but anything was better than nothing.

I darted forward, attacking the man closest to me, plunged a fist into the guts of the next guy up. Five of them came at me at once; the brave dude in front charged me, like he was going to tackle me or something stupid. I caught him around the waist, lifted him up, threw him back into his comrades, and all five fell in the dust. I kicked one in the face, just as he was starting to stand. Blood sprayed from his nose and lips. The others were struggling to rise too, but I stomped them back down, knocked them unconscious one after another.

More men charged in from the sides, shouting and threatening. They had knives. I ducked and twisted and dodged, felt the sharp edges flash by me every here and again, but it was nothing. It was so easy.

When they were down, and I had a spare moment, I rammed my shoulder against Hakkai, "Hey, partner, how about giving me a hand?"

"There certainly are a lot of them." He murmured. It sounded like something he was supposed to say. Pre-recorded or something. There was no emotion to it at all.

"Right. So I could really use your help." I shoved him toward the next wave of soldiers.

He reacted, thank God. His moves were a little sloppy, but he couldn't very well just stand there and let them beat the shit out of him.

Feeling a little more satisfied, I stood back to back with him and warded off squad after squad of stupid, arrogant, little soldiers, and all the while, Gan stood back, just watching, but I didn't feel any emotions radiating off him; I thought he'd watch us with hate and anger and frustration, but he was cold. Calm as the eye of a storm.

We were doing pretty well, just the two of us. After all, it was me and Hakkai versus a few dozen humans, and for whatever reason, they hadn't busted out the heavy artillery yet, even though I saw that every one of them was carrying a piece of some kind. Hopefully, we'd just mop up the floor with them and get to go home.

After five minutes of fighting, it was looking like that might actually be possible.

When I'd taken out at least fifteen of them, and Hakkai had done over twenty, Shaozu came at me. He still had the heavy, iron handcuffs, and he did his best to smack me across the face with them. I ducked. Hakkai stepped to the side. The idiot missed us both. Screaming in outrage, he flung another fist, gripping the handcuffs like a set of brass knuckles. He went for Hakkai's face, and then for his chest. I grabbed him by the back of the jacket and flipped him over my leg.

He smashed into the ground with a tangible cloud of dust, sprang back up immediately, and came at me again. I gave him the roughest right hook I could muster. It was so rough, it knocked him down again, and this time, he took a little longer to get up.

I was really hating him, for whatever reason. Maybe it was his cold smile or his cocky attitude, or just his disgusting face, but whatever it was, I wanted to take this whole mess out on him; when I was done with him, I'd move on to Gan. Then I'd tell fake Kanan to take a hike, and Hakkai and me would go home.

I moved in for the kill.

A man came caught me from behind, apparently trying to save his fearless leader, but I bashed him hard in the face and dove on Shaozu, just as he was getting his weapon from its holster. For a few seconds, we tussled on the ground, but I had no trouble wrestling the gun away from him, pistol-whipped him with it once, and jammed the barrel against his forehead, slamming his head back down against the ground.

A cocky laugh came from my mouth of its own volition, "Well, I can see why you're not the top dog. That was way too easy."

He glared up at me hatefully. "Go ahead and kill me; my men won't back down just because I'm dead."

"It's a nice idea, but I got somethin' better. Hey, Gan! I'm gonna' shoot your side kick unless you back off, got it?"

Gan didn't answer me. Too shocked that for words, I guess.

"Gan!"

He was standing to the side, totally calmly. There wasn't a single ray of emotion in his eyes.

To hell with him, "Hakkai! Let's get outta' here while we can, buddy!"

He was just standing there too, staring at me like he wasn't sure who he was with.

"Didn't you hear me, idiot? Run!"

Slowly, he nodded, and then he turned.

But not to run.

To my absolute horror, he faced the woman, offering her his hand, "Please, I don't understand all of this, but won't you come with me? This will all make sense soon, I'm sure."

"Hakkai!" I shouted, totally outraged. Who did that? Who watched his best friend wrestle a gun away from some asshole who wanted to shoot him and then immediately went for the woman?

The girl looked at him with those luminous, green eyes, earnestly and wonderingly, face childlike and trusting.

Hakkai smiled at her, "It's all right, Kanan."

She caught him by the wrist, jerked him forward, and before I could blink, she whipped a small, silver pistol out from her dress, sticking it right in his face.

"Shit!"

Hakkai gaped at her. There was this pathetic expression on his face, like he couldn't believe she would betray him. Like he couldn't believe his own stupidity.

I couldn't believe it either.

"Sorry about all this, Gonou, _darling._" She sneered. Her whole tone changed, just as fast as she'd pulled the gun. "It's all part of the game though."

"K-Kanan? I-I don't understand."

She laughed in his face, then yelled suddenly, "Hey, you! Pretty boy!"

I grated out, "You better not be talking to me, you bitch."

"Yeah, you. Lower that gun before I splatter your friend."

I hesitated, just for a second, sort of willing that idiot Hakkai to make a move, but he didn't. "You wouldn't."

"Think not? He's worth more dead than alive; the bigger the bounty, the better share for me."

_It's a bluff. It's gotta' be._

Before I could call her on it, Gan spoke up, "I'm afraid she's right Gojyo. The reward is doubled if we bring Cho Gonou in dead." He was walking toward me, just as calm and relentless as ever.  
>"If that's true then why'd you even bother with this little charade?" I demanded, glaring up at him. I was starting to feel cornered and angry, and no matter how desperately I thought, I couldn't come up with a way to get us out of this. From the look on Hakkai's face, I could tell he wasn't even considering making a plan. Not even for my sake. He'd completely fallen apart over some bitch that looked like his old girlfriend.<p>

"I told you already, Gojyo: I'm a professional. Besides, there's a certain thrill in all of this."

"That's fucked."

He gave me that faint, cruel twist of the mouth, "I'm sorry to hear that. Now, why don't you lay that gun down? It would be a shame if you had to watch your friend die over your own stubbornness."

It really would suck.

I hesitated just a moment longer, then slowly, very slowly, set the gun down on the ground.

Immediately, Shaozu punched me in the head, obviously as hard as he could, since a second later I was on my back, seeing stars.

Voices drifted around me, but they were muffled. My vision cleared in a matter of a couple of seconds, but by then, everything was fucked way too far for me to fix it. They'd snapped some handcuffs on me, and another pair on Hakkai, but he was still just staring at the girl like he couldn't believe what she'd done. I wanted to slap that dazed look right off his face.

Some soldiers hauled me to my feet, holding me between them. Another pair grabbed Hakkai.

"I apologize, Gojyo." Gan was smoking now, and he looked superior, cool and collected, "I did try to warn you about getting in the way, but you were just too cocky to heed."

I spat on his boots for a reply.

His mouth only curled again, "Keep that obnoxious attitude up, and you may not make it out of this alive. Men, let's move out."

As they marched us forward, I gave Hakkai one pleading, frenzied look over my shoulder, but he looked as if he may as well have launched off into space.

The great, smiling killer, defeated by a woman.


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the cliffhanger, guys-the chapter was getting pretty long, but I hadn't figured the second part out all the way yet, and I was excited to share what i had done. Hope you forgive me.  
>Withoout further ado, the rest of Mission Nine. :)<strong>

They took us back down to Nianzu, and then a little further, apparently to where they'd had me yesterday. It was a pretty big, concrete building, encircled by a fence, guarded by squads of sentries; there was no way I would have missed it if I'd gotten my chance to look around yesterday.

"I built this facility especially for this occasion." Gan explained as he led the way inside. It was cold and dark and a little drafty, and he looked right at home to me.

"That's expensive." I snorted.

"It was necessary, my dear boy. You don't capture a great killer like Cho Gonou without using up a few resources."

This ass had been in the area for months, plotting and gathering information, building a big-ass HQ to work from. How long had he been planning to do this? How long had he been just a couple short hours from our own home, scheming and laughing to himself?

"Why?" I demanded. "Yesterday you brought me here for all those stupid questions, but why? You must have known the answers already if you've been watching us the last few months. Why the fancy trap? You coulda' attacked us whenever you wanted."

Gan laughed at me, "Yes, and the two of you would have destroyed my entire squadron. I've had spies observing your various errands for Genjyo Sanzo, and I knew you were a force to be reckoned with, especially together. It took tact to sort all this out, you know. It took months just to locate a plausible Kanan."

I glanced at the girl who was walking proudly ahead of everyone else, like she owned the world.

"And a few more months after that to train her."

Well played too. We would have gotten out of this if it weren't for her.

_Don't think like that. You can still get out of it._

I could. But could Hakkai?

"You know, Gojyo, you talk as if I already knew everything before I met you yesterday, but that's not entirely true."

His friendly tone was grating on my nerves again. What I wouldn't give to have a free swing at his face. "Oh yeah?"

"You surprised me, actually. I took you for a grubby, greedy, little punk who'd sell out his partner for a handful of money, but today you proved to me that you're not the man I envisioned at all. This murderer actually means something to you."

I tried so hard not to look at Hakkai, but I couldn't help it. I hated seeing him like this, all but sleep-walking, staring out at nothing like he couldn't even hear or see anything around us. It sucked seeing him so weak and pathetic when all I'd ever known of him was that he was an unstoppable force and a reliable friend.

Gan was right though. The rest of the world saw Hakkai as an evil person, and I was starting to see that they probably always would—but to me he was just Hakkai. Just the guy who washed the dishes or laughed at me or fought on my side, back to back with me, no matter what.

And today, I couldn't save him, even though that's what he really needed, and I wondered if it would have made more sense to just take Gan's money and forget the whole thing, if this was how it was going to end, but I knew that wasn't the answer I was looking for. Gan said I'd change my mind about the offer when I was broke and hungry and lonely; the thing he hadn't counted on, the thing he was talking about now, was that Hakkai was the only reason I wasn't lonely and hungry these days.

"Unfortunately." Gan's voice brought me back to the present, "For the first time in the last year or so, that is going to cause you a lot of pain."

"Do your worst." I mumbled. "Whatever you want, you can fuck yourself."

He laughed again, "Such a two-dimensional child. Is everything violence and fucking with you? I don't intend to touch a hair on your head." Then he gave me the most brutal smile I'd ever seen. In that one look, I think I saw the truth of his soul: not just a person who was detached and calculating, but a monster who was cruel and heartless and honestly got off on hurting other people. That was what made him a professional, I guess. Whatever his issue was, that one look made me hate him more than I hated anything else, because in his eyes I finally saw the blunt reality of his intentions: he was going to murder Hakkai, and somehow, in a way I couldn't quite understand, he had used me to do it.

I could have killed him right there if I had the chance.

From there, they took us down to what could only be described as a dungeon and locked us in a cell together. It was small and dark, I heard dripping water, and it was friggin' cold. There were a couple of shabby, little cots without bedding, on either side of the cell, and a can I guess we were supposed to piss in or something.

Sighing, I glanced around, then sank onto one of the cots, "Well, this's just great."

Hakkai sat down opposite me, still staring at nothing.

"Hey, man." I snapped my fingers in his face, "Don't do this—don't even think about going into some fucking emotional coma when we're in this shitty situation."

"I apologize." His voice was a ghostly echo of the way it was supposed to sound. "I suppose I didn't try as hard as I could have."

I scowled at him, "Ya' think? More like you totally copped out on me. What the hell were you thinking anyway? I _told_ you."

"She just looked so much like Kanan."

"You didn't actually think she _was_ though, did you?"

"I…" He trailed away, and he wouldn't look at me.

"Even if she _was_ Kanan, it's no excuse to let _this_ happen. Haven't you heard of 'bros before hos'?"

"I'm afraid I haven't. I'm sorry."

The 'sorry' was so quiet and so honestly guilty, I started feeling like an asshole for giving him a hard time. It didn't make sense, because he _did_ cop out on me over some Kanan look-alike, and we were totally fucked now because he had ignored me, but for some reason, I still felt like a dick for bitching at him, so I just brushed the hair out of my face and said, "Let's just forget about it. How're we gonna' get out of here?"

Hakkai didn't so much as flinch.

"Hakkai."

Still nothing. He was freaking me out. It looked like he'd gone completely into his dark place now, and I'd seen in the past that whenever Hakkai went into his dark place, he was pretty non-functional, which wasn't good, because I didn't think I could figure a way out of here all by myself.

"_Hakkai_."

He finally met my eyes, frowning, "Could I have a moment of silence to at least _consider_ the situation?"

"Sorry, I just don't think I can do this if you slip off to nightmare land."

"You could also try to be a bit more sensitive to the circumstances. After all, it's not as if I purposely walked into this trap—that man contrived the most horrifically effective plan to catch me, and it worked exactly as it was supposed to."

"I know…but I don't want you to die for it."

Without a word, he got up and paced around the cell, sliding his hands along the walls, checking out every inch of the place. It took about ten or fifteen minutes, and then he came back and sat down again, "It doesn't look good. This cell is like the rest of that man's plan: well-constructed and exceedingly difficult to escape from."

"You're givin' that asshole way too much credit."

"I'm afraid not. The lock is a make I'm not familiar with, the walls appear to be solid concrete, there isn't so much as an air duct in here—which more than likely means they don't intend to hold us here for very long—and whoever opens that door will be armed to the teeth, I'm sure."

My heart sank, "Can't we just bust the wall or something?"

"You're welcome to try, but before you do, allow me to reiterate that it's solid concrete, of an undetermined width. Also, this building is quite new, so it's nowhere close to beginning to deteriorate. I assume that if you attempt to 'bust the wall', you'll only wind up injuring yourself."

What the hell did it matter? There were about a hundred gunman out there, probably just waiting for us to try something. I'd always had such serious faith in Hakkai, and his ability to maul anything that crossed him, but today…

Today I just wasn't so sure.

"Wait. You don't mean we're stuck here, right?"

Hakkai frowned at me, "Did you hear anything I just told you?"

"There's really not a way out of here?"

"I don't see one at any rate. Feel free to look around yourself."

"Then what're we gonna' do?"

"Frankly…I'm not sure there's anything we _can_ do."

"You're not just saying that? You're not just bummin' on me and don't wanna' figure it out?"

His expression faded from calm to irritated immediately, "What do you take me for? I am not happy about the circumstances, and I _am_ quite distraught over the manner in which we came to be here, I'm angry at being deceived, and so forth, but do you honestly think I'd lie down and _die_ over this?"

"I dunno'. You get weird when you're bummed."

"Be that as it may, I'll have you know I wouldn't put _your_ life at risk just to satisfy my own angst. As long as you're in this cage with me, I'm obviously going to look for any possible means of escape.

"I'm telling you that, much to our misfortune, there is no way out of here, aside from the door, which, I assume we'll be escorted through at gunpoint."

"Fuck." I flopped back on the cot. It was like lying down on a slab of wood. "So what do we do?"

"Wait it out. As I said already, there are no vents in this room, so they can't keep us here very long—we'll suffocate—and therefore, it is my assumption that they'll be taking us out before very long, at which point, I think the two of us should have no trouble fighting our way out."

"Right." As long as he kept his head in the game and didn't go falling all over some fake bitch again.

Something else about his plan bothered me too though, but I wasn't really sure what it was, and I was just about sick of having these feelings without knowing why.

"Maybe they want us to suffocate." I said arbitrarily.

"Perhaps. At this point, there's nothing we can do but wait and find out."

"Meh. Waiting bites."

"Especially when you're not positive what you're waiting for." He agreed gloomily.

I thought Gan had made it pretty clear what we were waiting for, but I didn't want to say it out loud. Part of me might have been childishly hoping that this was just a joke or a fucked up dream.

We waited about thirty minutes before Hakkai suddenly asked, "Gojyo. You didn't know about that woman, did you?"  
>"What? No. Hell no. I woulda' said something."<p>

"Yes, I thought so. Well, it doesn't matter now anyway."

No kidding it didn't. Whether I had known or not we still would have wound up right here, because it was a good enough trick that it would have worked no matter what.

_It wasn't actually _that_ smart._ I decided after thinking about it for a second. Finding a Kanan look-alike was just a brutally calculated move, because in the end, Kanan's death still wasn't that far behind Hakkai. I thought about how fucked up he'd gotten over it the night he fought Jie-Rui; that night I'd realized that no matter how normal my room mate acted on a regular day, there was still that darkness inside him, just waiting to take over and swallow him, so something as minor as the rain, or running into someone who looked even slightly like Kanan, could easily be his undoing. He was fragile, I guess, when it came to that at least, so all Gan had done was take advantage of Hakkai's greatest weakness, exploited what might be the only thing in the world that could actually knock him down. It was sort of a sick thing to do.

I touched my face.

It would really, really suck if someone started fucking around with _my_ scars like that.

I sat up, "Hey, Hakkai."

He was leaning back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling—he'd been like that for a few minutes now, and it didn't look like he'd moved at all—he barely murmured a response.

I faltered, not sure what to say that could even begin to make any of this better; eventually, the words, "It's okay." Just slipped out.

"I don't see how. We're both probably going to die, you know, and it's because of my own stupidity."

It wasn't like him to just assume we were going to die, so I hesitated again, not sure what to tell him. "That's not gonna' happen."

He didn't say anything—I knew he didn't believe me.

"I won't let it, okay?" For just a second, it was lip-service, and then, as soon as it was out there, floating around, I knew it was true, because I'd do whatever I had to do to make sure that asshole didn't kill Hakkai.

My room mate finally looked at me, "It's not your responsibility to prevent anything; this was my mistake—you did everything you could to warn me, and I was a fool—if I get you killed over such an idiotic thing, I won't be able to live with myself."

"Cut it out, Hakkai." I snapped. "We're not gonna' get killed here, alright?"

"You sound so sure."

"That's what I'm tellin' you: I won't let that happen. I promise."

He didn't seem anymore convinced, but he was quiet again.

Outside the door now, I heard heavy-soled boots drumming on the concrete floor, followed by Gan's voice giving orders. The lock clicked, the gears on the door grinded a little, and then the thing swung open slowly. Gan and Shaozu were standing there with about ten other guys who all had their guns drawn and aimed into the room. Fake Kanan was standing toward the front of the group, smiling like the devil.

I sat perfectly still, waiting for the order to fire, wondering if this could actually be the end for me—getting shot in a room with no way out, unarmed, not even able to put up a fight, like shooting fish in a barrel.

"Gojyo." Gan said solemnly. "Let's go."

Barely glancing at Hakkai out of the corner of my eye, I said, "Nah, I'd like to stay, boss."

"You don't have a choice this time, I'm afraid. Now come along."

I tested my handcuffs, but they were sturdy. "Where're we goin'?"

"We're letting you go. As I said before, I won't gain a thing from killing you."

"Yeah, well what about him?"

"You know the answer to that question already. Now for the last time, on your feet."

I got up, but I wasn't going anywhere. Not without a fight. "No way, dickhead. There's no way I'm gonna' just go merrily on my way and let you shoot him."

"Well, I'm afraid that's the only thing you can do at this point. After all, I'm asking you to return to your normal life now, forget about the murderer, Cho Gonou, and be thankful I chose to spare you."

"I'm _not_-"  
>"Gojyo." Hakkai interrupted. He was standing next to me, out of nowhere. I heard his chains rattle as he laid his hand on my shoulder, just for a second, and he had this weird, sad, little smile on his face, "Please. Just go."<p>

"Hey!" I turned on him, "What are you talking about? I just told you I wasn't gonna' let this happen!"

"Yes, but as you can see, there's nothing else you can do."

I could fight. I could run. I could crush Gan's head like a fucking watermelon.

He added softly, "If you try anything, they'll shoot us both, and I'd at least like to go to the grave knowing you're alive somewhere, so in a way it's best like this. I know I didn't get to live very long in this new life, but what little time I had was well worth it. Do you understand?"

Did I _understand_?

"Don't." I growled. "Don't stand there and fuckin' tell me that like I'm supposed to just go home and forget all about it!"

"But that's what I'm asking you to do."

"I don't give a shit, Hakkai! I can't just walk outta' here and-"

"Please." His grip tightened on my shoulder, "It may be the only thing that can ease my conscience now."

"Hakkai-"

It didn't matter though. A couple of Gan's boys came forward and grabbed my arms, jerking me away.

"Let go, asswipe!" I tried to break free.

The guy on my right let me have it with his pistol.

"You fuckin' assholes!" I screamed, in spite of the splitting pain in my head.

"Don't fight them." Hakkai said. I didn't know if he was asking me, or if he thought he could tell me what to do, even now. It didn't matter. He let go of me.

The men dragged me out of the room, kicking and shouting. No matter how hard I fought, there were still another ten guys to deal with. Someone jammed the barrel of their gun into the center of my back.

"I _will_ shoot you, if you make me." He hissed.

"So do it, motherfucker!" I elbowed him in the face.

Another guy kicked me in the ribs, and I doubled over, wheezing. It was just enough to give them the time they needed to yank me through the door.

Hakkai was just standing on the other side, smiling, like a lamb waiting to be slaughtered. "Good-bye, Gojyo."

"Hakkai!"

Gan slammed the door, shutting him off from view, turned to me, "I apologize for making that so brief, Gojyo, but I'm afraid there's no time for a long, tearful goodbye."

"Suck my dick, you pieca' shit."

He backhanded me again, only way harder than yesterday. Hard enough that I couldn't see for a couple of seconds, and I felt blood trickling down the side of my face.

"Take my advice." His cold voice said from somewhere in the dark, "Go home and forget all about this—it's much better for you that way. Cho Gonou will be dead by sunrise, and there's nothing you can do about it."

I think I blacked out for a second. It was hard to tell.

When I could see again, there were four guys escorting me back up from Gan's shitty, little dungeon, Shaozu leading the way.

"Give me an excuse to shoot you, kid." Shaozu was saying, "I _want_ to shoot you."

Fucked up, little bastard.

By the time we were outside, I was getting my head together, the dull, throbbing pain in my skull had subsided just a little, and I was making sense of things again.

My escorts undid my handcuffs and threw me to the ground.

I managed to catch myself, but Shaozu kicked me down, and I lay there a second, facedown in the dirt, and I felt… angry. Just really, really angry.

"If I were you, I'd take Gan's advice." He told me, "You're lucky we're letting you go, so if you're smart, you'll just go home and not worry about it."

Then he turned around and led his men back inside.

I sat up, so angry I was shaking. Everything in my body said I should turn around too, scale that wall, and rampage through the fortress, kill everyone I came across, and save Hakkai.

Even if I died, it would be worth it to at least kill _some_ of them first.

_Think, Gojyo. Think._

Hakkai was always on my case about being tactless and impulsive. I guess he was right—I wanted to run in and fight without even a plan to go off of—but I had to overcome that. It wouldn't save him. I might have some time…

I had to think of something else. I had to come up with a plan on my own this time. And I didn't have much time.

_He'll be dead by morning._ Did that mean they were going to wait until dawn to execute him?

I could only hope so.

Shakily, I got up, swiped the blood off my face.

So what could I do? If I had until morning, what could I do before then—besides running in like an idiot—to save him?

"_I'd at least like to go to the grave knowing you're alive…"_

Should I just give him that peace of mind, maybe? Just go home like he wanted me to?

_"…forget about the murderer, Cho Gonou, and be thankful…"_

Thankful for what? Knowing I got to go the rest of my life after letting my best friend get killed?

_There is no Cho Gonou anymore_. I thought, as I started walking.

_Hakkai shouldn't pay for what Gonou did—that's part of starting a new life, isn't it?_ _He _already_ paid for it._

I walked a little faster. No. I was sure now. I couldn't just let him die—I was too selfish for that. Even if it would ease his pain or help him find peace, or whatever, I just couldn't…

"_I know I didn't get to live very long in this new life, but what little time I had was well worth it._

_"Do you understand?"_

No. I didn't understand. I didn't get any of that fancy shit at all. Why give up so easily? Why say 'this is enough' and just quit like that? Even if it was just to save _me_.

"I don't understand, Hakkai." I was jogging now.

He said it was better like this, but I knew it wasn't. Not for either of us.

There had to be another way. If I could save him before morning, that would be better.

Could I do it by myself though?

I wanted to think I could—I really wanted to believe that I was tough enough to bust in and kill everyone—but I had to be realistic. That's what Hakkai would say.

_Be realistic._

I wasn't Hakkai. Sure, when Banri sold my ass up the river, Hakkai had broke in and just dealt with it, even if he did have to take his limiter off, but I wasn't Hakkai. Realistically, I was nothing like Hakkai, nowhere near as strong as him, and I didn't have a limiter to take off, so I didn't have some great well of untapped power to fall back on. I didn't even have a _weapon_.

_I'm so pathetic._

No time to feel sorry for myself.

I wasn't strong enough to save him by myself, that didn't mean I should give up and go home either.

There was just one thing, maybe…just one person, who could help me. One person who would even _want_ to help me in the first place.

Now I was running. It was about three. There was plenty of time before dawn, but who knew if they'd actually wait until dawn. They could kill him at any second, and my only possible hope was that I'd be back in time to prevent it.

_Even if I'm not._ I decided grimly, _I'd at least like to kill that piece of shit, fuck, Gan for doing this to me._

But, either way, I'd better get some back up before I tried anything.

Chang'an was forever away. I was an hour away from Nianzu, two hours from my house, and three hours from Keiun Temple.

My head was hurting like crazy, it was so hot I could barely stand it, and that thought kept rattling around in my brain.

_He might be dead by now._

But I had to believe that this was worth it anyway.

I ran the whole way. It really, really sucked. If anybody said anything, I'd deny that smoking affected me, but when it came to running, it definitely affected my stamina, and I had a whole ten goddamn miles to run.

If I slowed down, for a second even, I'd be wasting time, so I pushed myself to keep going.

The doubts were creeping in. Sanzo and Goku might not be there. I might not make it back in time, even if they were. They might not want to help me. They might not care.

"Fuck." I wiped the sweat out of my eyes. My whole body was dripping. Why did it have to be so fucking hot anyway?

I tore through the woods, never hesitating, even when the branches scraped my face and ripped my shirt, and by the time I reached the road, I was sprinting. I sprinted all the way back to my town, blazed right through it, ignoring everyone I passed. My lungs were burning, I felt like my head was going to explode, and more than anything, I just wanted to fall down on my face and die.

But there was still the mountain path to climb. There was still a whole hour of hiking and running and scrambling before I got to Chang'an.

Actually, I probably made it in record time, running like I had a demon, or whatever. What should have taken three hours might have only taken two. I really didn't know. I hardly gave a shit. All I knew was that it was either five or six now, and even if Sanzo and Goku were here, there was still the three hours to go in the other direction.

The thought made me want to collapse, but I kept going, and by the time I stormed through the gates of Keiun temple and raced through the halls to Sanzo's room, I felt almost numb to my own physical pain. To everything really. There was just one thing I cared about now, and I'd do anything I had to.

Some of the monks were pretty outraged that I was running through their temple. They yelled at me and I think somebody even chucked something at my head, but I didn't care. I didn't have a second to so much as think about caring.

I skidded to a halt, threw Sanzo's door open, but he wasn't there. He wasn't sitting at his desk reading scrolls, and Goku wasn't on the floor drawing dumb pictures.

_No way. No way._

I was panting so hard, I thought I'd just stop breathing all together.

_I did not just run all this way for that asshole to be gone…_

"Hey!" I turned on the monks who were gathering around me, looking angry. Let them be pissed as hell. I didn't have time. "Where the fuck's Sanzo?"

The monk closest to me looked horrified, by my language, or my conduct in general, or whatever. "You can't just barge in here and-"

"Did you hear me, baldy? Where is he?"

"What business is it of yours where-"

"Dammit!" I grabbed him by the robe, viciously, shaking him, "This is an emergency, dickweed! Tell me where Sanzo is or I'll tear this place apart looking for him!"

He seemed even more horrified by that, but he stammered, "L-lord Sanzo is taking his evening stroll in the garden!"

"Dammit…" I shoved the monk aside, plowed through the others.

"You're not allowed!" He called after me, but I was already rounding the corner, running through the sanctuary, knocking things over and disrupting everyone I passed, until I finally found my way to the courtyard. Friggin' place had to be such a goddamn maze.

I vaulted over the wall and practically fell into the garden, rolled to my feet, and kept right on running.

Lucky for me, I didn't have to go very far. I rounded a corner, and I saw them walking in the distance, side by side, Goku laughing about something.

"Hey!" I was surprised my voice was still working…no. It was my lungs. I was shocked my lungs hadn't just given out by now. "Hey, guys! Wait up!"

They didn't seem to hear me. Or they were ignoring me.

I made myself yell louder.

"Goku! Sanzo!"

This time, they stopped and looked back at me.

"Gojyo?" Goku called.

I ran to meet them, slowing back to a jog so I wouldn't run them over, and when I finally stopped running, I felt like my legs were going to turn to rubber and fold up under me like the legs on an old card table.

The two of them stared at me like I was out of my mind, but I probably looked like hell, so it wasn't a shocker. I was dripping with sweat, my hair was heavy with it, I was sucking in each breath like it would be my last, my face still had blood on it, even though I think it must have stopped bleeding a while ago, and I was shaking so hard, I could barely stand. I bent over, hands on my knees, just trying to catch my breath.

"What in the hell are _you_ doing here?" Sanzo demanded stiffly.

"You runnin' a marathon or somethin'?"

"Shaddup…both of you…"

"Hey, where's Hakkai?"

"H…Hakkai… Hakkai is…"

They were both staring at me, waiting.

I tried to breathe. I couldn't even stand up anymore, and I dropped to my knees. I wondered if I should have paced myself—at least then I wouldn't feel like I was dying.

"You okay?" Goku took a step closer to me, probably getting ready to catch me when I fell on my face.

"Well?" Sanzo asked at last. "Where is Hakkai?"

"Goku." I grabbed the kid's wrist, "Goku…you gotta' come with me…. They got 'im. That asshole…gonna' shoot 'im…like a friggin' dog…"

"What're you talkin' about?" He tried to pull away, but I held on tight, looked up into his eyes.

"Listen to me, kid…I need you…to go with me…can't do it…by myself."

After a moment, Sanzo snorted, "Hn. Why don't you try making some goddamn sense?"

I snapped at him, voice cracking, "Nobody's talking to you, asshole."

"You're here in _my_ temple, acting like a lunatic-"

"Yeah. But I didn't. Come. To talk. To _you._"

We were all quiet for a while, and I focused on catching my breath.

After a moment, when my breathing had slowed down a little, Goku asked, "What happened ta' Hakkai? Where'dya' need me ta' go?"

"Here's a better question." Sanzo sneered, "Why don't you give up smoking? You can't even get up _here_ anymore without passing out. I'd say it's time to quit."

Furiously, I forced myself back onto my feet, took an aggressive step toward him, seriously considering punching his lights out for that, "Fuck you. You have no idea. Fuckin' asshole. And like I said. Nobody's talking to you."

Sanzo didn't look happy, but he shut up at least, and I turned back to Goku, "Some asshole bounty hunter has Hakkai. I need you to go with me. We gotta' get him out… They're gonna' shoot him."

Goku's eyes grew a little, "A bounty hunter? But why?"

"I see." Sanzo interrupted. "I wondered when something like this would happen."

"What'dya' mean, Sanzo?"

"They wanna' kill him for what he did before." I said as patiently as I could, took one last, deep, shuddering breath. "I don't know how long we have—til dawn, if we're lucky—but I really don't know."

"He could be dead already." Sanzo said. It sounded a lot like an accusation.

"Maybe. I don't know."

"What? No way! They can't kill Hakkai! We gotta' stop 'em!"

"We have to try." I said, swallowing hard. It felt like my throat was coated in blood.

"So let's go! Where is he?"

"Ten miles. Like an hour outside…Nianzu."

"Nianzu?" Sanzo scowled at me, like it was my fault somehow, "You really expect us to run all the way back down there? Are you an idiot? You look like you'll just die if you take another step, and now you want _us_ to go all the way-"

"I don't give a shit what you do." I snapped. "I know you don't give a rat's ass what happens to Hakkai, and even if you did, I wouldn't ask you to help. I came to get Goku."

Goku looked between us a second, "Yeah, but…how many guys're there? Can you an' me do it alone?"

"There's less than a hundred, and they're all human—but they have guns. I think we can do it. All I know is, we gotta' try."

He nodded vigorously, "Then let's go. I'm ready."

I didn't want to walk anymore. I definitely didn't want to run back down the mountain and the road, all the way back to Gan's fortress, but I had to, so I nodded back at him and turned to lead the way. "We hafta' hurry."

"Wait a minute." Sanzo said, before we could get too far.

Irritated, I turned back to him, "Look, we really don't have a minute to wait, Sanzo."

"Quit being a smart ass, Gojyo, or I might change my mind about going with you."

"You're comin' too?" Goku sounded happy as hell to hear that, "Yay! I knew ya' would!"

"Why?" I asked roughly, but I tried not to sound _too_ rough. I really didn't expect him to offer to help. I thought, maybe if I asked him really, really nice—if I begged—he'd come with us, but I didn't think he'd just volunteer. "I…mean, you don't have to."

"Hn. Don't you think I know that? Now shut up, and let's move out."

Then he pushed past me, and led the way.

Sanzo didn't seem all that interested in running. He picked a pretty typical pace, maybe just a tick faster than his normal one, lit a cigarette, and walked calmly down the mountain.

On one hand, my legs still felt like noodles, so I didn't necessarily _want_ to run either, but I was frustrated to see that Sanzo didn't care about the sense of urgency we were supposed to be acting with. Or else he'd forgotten that Hakkai's life was at stake.

I reminded him once, as nicely as I possibly could, that we were supposed to be in a hurry, but he cut me off with a brusque, "You're a little too young to be having a heart attack, so why don't you cool off and try to use your head for once?"

"What the hell's that supposed to-"

"You said this bounty hunter is planning to execute Hakkai at dawn, which is twelve hours away."

"He _might_ be planning to execute him at dawn. I don't know. That's why-"

"Well, people don't usually plan executions in the dark—it's a little hard to hit your target when you can't see—so they're either going to kill him tonight, before the sun goes down, in which case, he's probably dead already, or they'll wait until morning, in which case, we have plenty of time to get there."

He was starting to make me angry, acting like he knew so much. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean we should just dawdle along like a buncha' stupid-"

_"Think_." He interrupted sharply. "You said they're holding Hakkai in the basement of a fortress, guarded by about a hundred gunmen, right?"

"So?"

"Do you honestly expect to storm in, kill everyone and just go home? He'll be dead before we can get to him. Our best chance is to go in undetected and wait until they bring him out for the execution."

"That's why we got the kid." I jerked my thumb at Goku. "He can storm that place and take out everybody, no problem."

"Probably. But he'll need our help to do it, and if we all run down there like idiots, we'll waste a lot of energy. Enough that we'd probably have to stop and catch our breath before we did anything at all."

I hated to admit it, but he was making a lot of sense; and there was something about Sanzo that made you want to listen to him, no matter how much of a dick he was. Charisma, or something, I guess. I tried to calm down and just focus on what he was saying.

"At this point, our best option is to save our strength, lay low when we get there, and strike at the most opportune moment. I know it's hard for you to exercise any kind of patience, but if you charge in like a dumbass, you won't help Hakkai, and you'll probably get yourself killed."

Did I hear just the faintest touch of commiseration in his voice? No way. I was just exhausted from running. Had to be. Either way, I suddenly felt a little relieved that Sanzo was with us, and that was pretty much the weirdest thing ever.

"Heh." I put a cigarette in my mouth and grinned for the first time in what felt like forever, "Okay then, boss. Lead the way."

Hakkai

After they took Gojyo away, time passed very slowly. At first, I assumed they would take me out next and lead me away to be executed, or perhaps shoot me on the spot. Either way, I didn't expect to live much longer, and I was surprised when they shut and locked the door again, and didn't come back.

I stood in the middle of my cell for the longest moment, helplessly realizing the extent of my situation, feeling my own powerlessness reverberate through each breath I took. I'd decided to forfeit my only ally in this grim event, and I was of two minds on the matter. For one thing, as long as he wasn't here, that meant he had the opportunity to go home and keep on living. Assuming they didn't just shoot him the second I was out of earshot. They _could_ do that, and I'd likely never find out. Then again, if they genuinely let Gojyo live, and they allowed him to leave this place with all his limbs intact, I highly doubted he'd walk home and continue on with life as if nothing had happened, even if it was what I'd told him to do. If he was conscious, and not too badly injured, I knew he would come back.

Unfortunately, I didn't know how much he could do on his own, and he might wind up getting killed trying to save me, and that was why I'd told him to go home, because at the moment, getting him out alive seemed like it was the only thing I could do, even if the comfort of his company had been all I had to prevent the despair of the circumstances from overwhelming me.

_I don't necessarily need Gojyo to come back and save me._

That thought bounced back and forth through my head a few times, and I stayed where I was, toying with my power limiters.

Without my power limiters, I knew breaking down the door would be easy. Getting out of this place would be easy. Killing all the humans, so they wouldn't come after me again, would be easy as well. It was just a matter of snapping three cuffs off…

Sighing heavily, I sank back onto my cot.

Removing my limiters and running rampant would be just a little _too_ easy, yet I wasn't sure I wanted to do that. I didn't like admitting that the form I took on without my limiter was actually the way that I was—my true self—because there was still some silly, childish part of me that wanted to keep pretending I was human, that the hideous strength masked behind my limiters and my smile, wasn't actually there. Besides, I didn't really know if I wanted to kill these humans, because they hadn't done anything wrong.

I was a criminal after all, so it only made sense that people would come after me. They hadn't harmed Gojyo, who, to them, was little more than a bystander, and what it really boiled down to in the end was that they were just doing their job. I could tell that that man, Gan, was cold-blooded and ferocious, but one could only assume that's what made him a good bounty hunter.

I just wasn't sure I was willing to spill even more blood, for the sake of escaping my already gruesome past. Besides, as long as the woman who looked like Kanan was nearby, there was nothing I could do. I didn't think I could hurt her, and I couldn't exactly be sure that she'd be unable to recapture me if I escaped.

No. I wasn't going to do it. If this was the end of my life, so be it, because I wasn't going to remove my limiter and murder another group of innocent humans just so I could go on living a while longer. At least Gojyo wasn't going to die for my mistakes with me; I'd just have to be content with that.

_Perhaps…this is no more than I deserve…_

I don't know how long I was there. I sat on that small, stiff cot for an undetermined amount of time, hardly moving, and I waited, not entirely sure what it was I was waiting for. My execution, I guess. Even if Gojyo tried to save me I doubted he'd succeed.

I waited for hours, doing my best to breathe lightly and conserve energy. The room was small, and I didn't know how long my oxygen would last. Twelve hours. Maybe a little bit longer. Long enough to get me to dawn, at least, at which point I'd probably be too groggy from oxygen deprivation to even consider escaping.

Gan got me really good. The woman who looked so much like Kanan had paraded up to me, just at the most unexpected moment, and deep down, I must have known it couldn't possibly be the real Kanan—the one I'd seen die—and yet, the resemblance was uncanny, and for a few terrible moments, I'd thought that just maybe…

_I wasn't anticipating something so underhanded and malicious._

Well, I was kicking myself for it now. Gojyo warned me that Gan was no ordinary bounty hunter—perhaps the very fact that _he_ was so concerned should have been a warning to me—and I'd still let it all breeze right under my radar.

Tiredly, I shut my eyes. _I was foolish._

But I was paying for it now, at least. That was good, I suppose, since I didn't think such foolishness deserved to go unpunished.

I wondered at the time, but I didn't even know what time it had been when they'd put me in this room. Some time in the afternoon. That made dawn hours away.

Hard to believe I'd spend the last few hours of my life like this.

No. Not so hard to believe. There had been a time when I had known it would end like this, and I'd expected it. When Sanzo came looking for me, I had assumed I would spend the rest of my life imprisoned, whether or not I was waiting to be executed.

_When did I stop?_

Being imprisoned for the rest of my life was no more than I deserved, so when did I stop thinking it would happen?

_When you established a new life and began living accordingly._

_Yes, but…I was never forgiven._

The Three Aspects never said I was forgiven of my sins. They let me off easy, that was all.

_You still should have known better. The whole world wasn't going to let you off easy, after all._

_How true._

I stretched out on the cot, not even caring how uncomfortable it was. I felt so tired now, eyelids heavy, head light. I tried to estimate how long I'd been locked in here, but my mind was foggy, and the only thing I could decipher was that it had been long enough that I was probably beginning to run low on oxygen. Six hours or more.

Also, it had been a long day. Assuming I'd been in this cell for six hours, it was probably ten pm by now, and I'd been awake since before eight.

That was long enough for me, and I wasn't going to spend the last bit of my life dwelling on all the things I couldn't change, so I gave into the exhaustion and fell asleep.

I had a dream.

The sky above me was an arid, dusty pink, like red sand, and the air was terribly hot. I felt the sun beating down on me, but I couldn't see it anywhere. It was just that flawless, smooth sky.

I was standing in a river of blood. It was wide enough to be an ocean, with water extending out to the horizon, as far as the eye could see, but it was only up to my waist, and it streamed past me in a slow but powerful current. I knew it was blood because it was dark, crimson red, and it was sticky and warm and reeked of death. I was bathed in it, my skin and clothes soaked, with ruby drops running down my face and dripping from the ends of my hair, but I waded onward, looking for dry land, screaming. Screaming for something.

No one answered. Faces drifted past me in the river of blood. Dead faces of the my own victims, and of people I'd met before, people I'd lost touch with, or who'd died, or who had simply walked out of my life because I wasn't important. I think I saw my parents. Perhaps some of my schoolmates and children from the orphanage. A thousand dead youkai floated past, and dozens and dozens of humans I'd known and lived beside back when Kanan and I were happy together: students, their parents, neighbors, my own friends. Everyone I'd taken apart that day.

Their eyes were fixed and wide, mouths gaping open, bodies rotting.

_"Gonou."_ They hissed. _"Look what you've done."_

I waded forward.

"I know."

_"Gonou…you'll never find what you're looking for. There is no peace that can erase the terrible things you've done."_

"I know."

_"You deserve whatever happens to you next, Cho Gonou."_

Kanan's body drifted by, so close that if I wanted to, I could spring forward and grab her up in my arms, hold her to my chest, and weep, before the current carried her away, but I stayed where I was, watching her pass, barely reaching out to her in hopeless longing. Her beautiful eyes were shut, her face calm, long hair drifting like a gleaming web through the dark river, skin pasty white alongside the red.

"Don't you think I know?" I husked.

Kanan's mouth smiled at me as she wafted by, and then I was watching her sail out into the distance.

The scream inside me was burning like a fire, aching to get out, my very chest threatening to burst open from it, and I clenched my fists, and I felt the tears threatening to fall from my eyes and sink into the blood I'd spilled.

_"All this blood you have spilled, Gonou…"_

"I _know. _I know. Don't you think I _know_?"

Another voice spoke up behind me, but this voice was strong and passionate and real.

"Hey, Hakkai."

When I turned again, I had come, without realizing it, to a small mound of land—an island really—it was small and sandy, but it was high above the river, and it was dry and safe. Goku was standing on the shore of the island, calling to me.

"Hakkai! What're ya' doin'? It's almost dinner time!"

Gojyo and Sanzo weren't far off either. They came down to the shore as well, spewing smoke and bickering. All three of them stood on the beach and stared at me.

"C'mon, Hakkai!" Goku said, "Don't'cha' wanna' come with us?"

"I…I apologize, Goku, but I'm afraid I have to stay."

Goku just beamed at me like he hadn't understood a word I'd said, "Nah, c'mon. It's no fun without you. Sanzo an' Gojyo'll kill each other."

"But I…"

"Quit your bitching and get your ass up here." Sanzo snorted.

Gojyo didn't say a word as he came and stood next to Goku, but he grinned at me and held out his hand, cigarette smoking in the other.

Slowly, I reached for him, all but whispering, regretfully, "I can't stay forever…"

"Well, genius, dinner doesn't last forever."

I awoke with a jolt, and sat up quickly, "Gojyo?"

I wasn't in my room, and I wasn't on the couch. I wasn't at my house at all. It wasn't morning—that is, there weren't any windows nearby to show me whether it was morning or not.

_Where…?_

Everything was blank and dark and gray. Concrete floor, concrete walls, concrete ceiling.

_Where am I?_

I wasn't on my bed. In its place, I found a stiff, unsightly, little cot.

There was another cot, much like it on the other side of the room.

Supporting myself on my elbows, I sat up and stared at the other cot a long, long moment, trying to remember how I'd come to be here. My mind was incredibly hazy, and even though I'd just woken up, I felt sluggish and worn out.

"Gojyo?" I glanced around the cell.

_Dinner doesn't last forever…_

Why did I have to wake up before I got a chance to grab onto him. Perhaps he could have pulled me out of reality, back into a better, different time.

_He's not here now…_

That's right. They took him out…

_He went to dinner without me._

I laughed at the thought.

How long ago was that now? I had no idea how long I'd been asleep. How long I'd been wading through that river-ocean of blood, just waiting to add mine to theirs.

What I wouldn't give to be on that island with the others.

_But it's too late for me now. I couldn't reach them in time…_

Everything was a matter of time now. Just a matter of time before I ran out of air in this tiny room. Just a matter of time before I was executed.

_Kanan…I'm living my last moments, I think._

As soon as I'd had the thought, the door suddenly burst open, and I swung my legs around, planting my feet on the floor as my heart began to race, wondering if I should make one last futile attempt to run or fight. The handcuffs on my wrists clattered. I'd all but forgotten about them, but the noise made me remember, and I knew that I'd have a hell of a time fighting my way out of this mess when I was shackled and groggy from oxygen deprivation.

As soon as the door was open, I lost my will to fight anyway.

Kanan was standing there, her long, silky hair tied back in a braid, dressed in a military uniform, and I saw a gun strapped to her hip. Only, it wasn't Kanan. Not the real Kanan.

Behind her, fifteen men in the same military uniform were waiting with their guns drawn.

All my memories flooded back to me at once, and I remembered the shameful, wretched way I'd come to be here.

"Rise and shine, pretty boy." The woman said, without so much as a smile. "The sun's rising: you know what that means, don't you."

I stood up slowly, head still feeling light.

With a gesture from the woman, a handful of the gunmen entered the room, checking my handcuffs, and then escorted me out, not quite as roughly as I expected.

I stood face to face with her, and then I realized her eyes were the wrong color—not green like Kanan's, but light hazel. Still, they were the right shape and size, and the rest of her was right too. Her height, her weight, her mouth, her face, the length of her hair. Someone had done some very thorough research, I thought.

Still, I was foolish to fall into this trap.

_Why didn't I listen to Gojyo?_

I remembered the way he'd tried to warn me…was it only yesterday? How he'd tried so hard to get me to put our mission for Sanzo on hold. But I was so stubborn. Even then, I'd recognized that Gojyo obviously knew more than I did about the possibilities, and still I'd ignored him.

_If I see you again some day, I swear I'll listen next time, Goj. I swear._

"Let's go." The woman ordered, her hair shimmering as she turned away. It was the perfect, caramel color.

A couple of the men shoved me after her, and the other thirteen crowded in behind as we made our way up the stairs.

My head started clearing, little by little, as I sucked in deep breath after deep breath, but my heart wouldn't calm, and I felt incredibly sick.

I couldn't stop staring at the woman either, as she marched just a couple steps ahead of me. She seemed so wholly focused, and even then, there was still so much of Kanan in her face. An almost perfect doppelganger.

When we'd gone a ways, I dared to speak to her, half afraid she'd disintegrate if I said a word, "May I ask you something?"

"What?"

"I'd like to know your name."

She continued without so much as glancing at me, "I'm Sya."

"Sya…"

"I'd ask if you prefer Hakkai or Gonou, but I don't think it's going to matter very much in a few minutes."

"Yes. Soon both of them will be gone."

Sya marched steadily, still not looking at me. I wondered if she felt even the remotest sense of guilt for how she'd made me fall.

I appraised her delicate body, noticing it was the tiniest bit different than Kanan's had been. More robust, I think. It looked as if there was a bit more strength in her arms, legs and chest. In the heat of the moment though, I hadn't noticed any of these differences.

Still, she'd be easy for me to overpower in hand-to-hand combat, so it was odd that Gan had sent her to be my escort.

_No. That man knows exactly what he's doing. He clearly understands that I'll be docile as a lamb as long as she's around._

"Sya. Who are you? I mean…your involvement with Gan. How did you…"

"How did I come to be your fake Kanan." I heard a vicious sneer in her voice, a cruel tip of laughter, barely concealed. "Well, it's simple, really, _Gonou_, darling. Gan got a photograph of your Kanan from the village you destroyed, and then he sent out a team of highly trained specialists to search for a woman who looked enough like Kanan to fool you. I was found, and a few details were altered, like the color of my eyes and hair. Even if I'm not perfect, Gan said it would be good enough."

"He was right, I suppose." I said very lowly.

"It's not often Gan is wrong, I've found. He trained me himself after that."

"And what do you achieve from all this?" I felt my heart beginning to rip from the anger and the despair. "Is the money really enough?"

Finally, Sya looked back at me, but I didn't see so much as a sliver of compassion in her eyes. Not at all the way my Kanan would have looked at me. She frowned vaguely, "You have no idea how high the bounty on your head is, do you?"

"I have no sense of it whatsoever. I've been trying to…to forget all that, you see."

"Hmph. A lot of good it's done you."

We reached the top of the stairs, and Sya led the way down a long, concrete hall. There were a few small windows situated near the top of the left wall, and I could see the first few, weak rays of sun coming through them above me.

"Let me tell you something, Hakkai. I was raised the way that you and your precious Kanan were raised. Alone. Hungry. Unwanted. I had nothing, and no one has ever given me anything, but I always told myself that if I found a way to build myself up out of the nothing that sparked this bitterness, I should take it, no matter the cost. That's why I can't waste a second of my time feeling bad for you: I'm just doing what I have to do."

"I understand. But." I allowed some coldness to seep into my voice, "I've also seen the outcome of such living, and I wonder if you haven't considered every angle of this battle, Sya."

She gave me another dark look, "Is that some feeble version of a threat?"

"It's only the truth. There are two possible outcomes of what takes place here today. On one hand, Gan will likely kill me, and you'll all receive your reward. Still, there is that faint possibility that I will find some way to escape, and then you'll have to ask yourself, what will become of you?"

Her glare grew all the more deadly, "Honestly, I don't believe you'd lay a hand on my head, judging by the way you acted yesterday. And if you think your friend is going to come back for you, forget it. He had all night to show up."

"All I'm trying to tell you is that this is not over yet."

Sya stopped and smiled at me, sadistically. We had come to a heavy, steel door.

"It will be soon."

She pushed the door open, and the men shoved me through.

Next, I found myself in a small courtyard with a rough, sandy floor, and tall, stone walls. Above me I could see the different wings and terraces of the fortress, but there was no gate—the door we'd come through was apparently the only way in, and seeing how there were several men stationed there already, it made my chances at escape upsettingly slim.

At least my head was almost clear again.

Gan was standing there, waiting. At his right hand was the blonde man Gojyo had wrestled yesterday—Shaozu, I think his name was—and there were another five gunmen standing with them, watching intently, waiting and whispering to one another.

The sky was light gray with the early sunlight but the air was already warming up.

"Good morning." Gan said, with his twisted, harsh smile. "Hopefully, you slept well on your last night alive. I apologize for the rough accommodations though."

I didn't answer. What should I do now? Run? Fight? Could I do either? Should I even bother?

I tested the durability of my shackles again, but they were strong, and I doubted I could succeed in either fighting or fleeing with them on.

_Or perhaps I'm just too ashamed of myself to so much as attempt anything._

I scanned the tops of the walls around me, not even sure what it was I was looking for.

"Don't bother trying to escape. I assure you, this place is very sturdy, and my men are all trained to aim for the head."

Perhaps I'd be able to stall. In stalling, some idea might come to me. It was a long shot at best, but it was the only thing I could think of now.

"Where's Gojyo?"

Gan frowned, "At home sleeping off a hangover, if I know anything about him. What's your guess, Cho Gonou?"

"A hangover sounds just about right. Assuming you didn't kill him."

"I think you have the wrong impression of me, sir. What would I need to kill Gojyo for?"

"I'm sure there would be no gain in it…but I do find it hard to believe he didn't return to put you in your place."

"I see. And you think he'd be able to do that, do you?"

"Yes. I've seen what he's capable of, and in a match with you, I have no doubt that he would be the victor. In fact, I think you're rather lucky he didn't kill you when you first met two days ago."

I could see plainly enough that he didn't like that, but the twisted, controlled smile returned with a vengeance. "Trust me, I have no need to be afraid of _him, _or you, for that matter. Together, you might have fought your way out of here, but alone… What can I say, Cho Gonou? This is your last day alive."

"Please." I smiled back at him, forcing myself to remain calm, "No one's called me that in such a long time; I'd really appreciate it if you'd call me by my name."

He laughed at that, "You are something, Cho _Hakkai._ Everything they said you are. I'm glad I got to meet you in person at last. Really. It's almost a shame that I have to kill you. Men?"

My escorts grabbed my arms again, leading me back to the far wall and standing me up against it.

Ten of the gunmen lined up a few yards away from me, their rifles aimed and ready, and I was staring down the barrels of their guns, feeling unusually calm.

_So be it._

Gan was lighting a cigarette. "Would you care for a final cigarette, Cho _Hakkai_?"

"No thank-you. I'm afraid I don't smoke."

"Very well. Any last words, then?"

"No. Nothing. Do what you will with me." I closed my eyes, heard him chuckle again.

"Look at what a gentleman we have here, men. He won't even beg for his life. You know, I think I like you. Perhaps we'll meet again, in another life."

I answered softly, "If I have the privilege of being allowed to lead another life, you won't be the one I'm looking for."

"I see. In that case, farewell, Cho Hakkai. Ready, men."

I took one, final, painful breath.

_Oh, Kanan._

I heard all those rifles cock.

"Aim."

I opened my eyes, knowing I had to face my final fate like a man.

Gan raised his arm to give the signal to fire.

Something small and gray streaked in from the left, hitting him square in the side of the head.

He cut the order short with a cry of pain, his body tilting far, far to the right, and his arms whirled as he fought to keep his balance, but in the end, he still landed hard, in the sand.

Shaozu took a step toward him, "Sir?"

Gan rubbed his head, and I saw a few drops of crimson on his fingers. "Who threw that?"

Gojyo's voice called from somewhere, "My bad, cap'n. That was me."

I looked for him, scanning the walls again, but he was nowhere to be seen.

"Sha Gojyo…" Gan growled, standing up, "You little fool. How dare you throw rocks at Goliath, _boy_?"

"Hm. Perhaps you don't remember how that story ended." I said, but I was careful. Those loaded, ready guns were still pointed right at me. A word from Gan, and I'd be dead.

Gojyo finally appeared, stepping out of the shadow of one of the fortress towers. "Sorry. Just, I got a little pissed when you offered him a cigarette but not me. Everybody knows _I'm _the smoker."

I couldn't help smiling, in spite of the circumstances. He looked confident at least.

"Well forgive me, but I didn't realize you were hiding up there. What did you come back for? To give up your life?"

"Nah. I'm not much into suicide. Actually…" he seemed to think for a second, "I came to give _you_ one last chance to let my pal go."

"Oh, is that so? Excuse me for not trembling in terror, but it looks as if you waited too long. Your egotistical craving for a dramatic entrance has doomed your friend. Men, proceed with the execution."

The men were focused again at once.

Gojyo wasn't making a move.

I couldn't help but feel that Gan might be right. If he'd come a few minutes sooner, perhaps…but now…

On my left, I heard muffled screaming and gunfire, redirected my attention once again. It sounded as if someone was already inside the fortress, raising a ruckus.

Gan was perfectly still. The others looked fidgety and nervous. I could see that the men on the line weren't sure what to do. I might have an opportunity, presently.

Suddenly, the door sprang open. In a whirlwind of color—mostly splashes of blood and ripping fabric—Goku appeared, plowing through the guards at the door, knocking them out one after another, attacking them sequentially with such fluidity it almost looked as if he was flying.

"Goku!" I cried in surprise.

"Haha! Hey, Hakkai! Gojyo says ya' need some help."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Enough!" Gan shouted at once, lurching forward a bit, "Fire! Fire!"

It took the men a moment to react, but they were highly trained, and in an instant, they were all aiming once again at my head. I was ready though. I watched the whites of their eyes, waiting for the perfect moment.

I sprang away.

The bullets zipped past my head and ricocheted around me like a hail storm, exploding against the wall behind me in sudden splashes of stone and white powder, the gunfire echoing through the courtyard, bouncing from one wall to another. I felt some of the rounds graze the back of my head, whistling through my hair, but I kept my head down and I ran for all I was worth, sliding to a halt on the sandy ground and turning to face the firing squad, and then I charged right at them.

It was the last thing they expected, and a few of them screamed in surprise and jumped back, but I blurred past them, narrowly dodging a few more shots.

Goku was right beside me, plowing through them as easily as he'd gone through the guards, knocking them down like it was nothing.

A man confronted me, a fierce look in his eyes, a bit braver than the others, and tried to smash me in the head with the butt of his rifle, but I ducked to the side and kicked him in the stomach, dove under a few more consequent blows from various soldiers.

I knew they were all coming at me, attacking at once, but I could almost feel the fear dripping off them. They probably hadn't thought this would happen. None of them expected to have to go head to head with the murderer they were out to kill. None of them wanted to. I wove through them all, banking hard to the left and running for the door, my only possible way out.

Gan was shouting. He'd drawn a whistle from inside his coat, and at the sound of its shrill, piercing voice, more men emerged from inside the fortress, blocking my way with their guns drawn.

I stopped hard.

"You cannot escape." Gan boomed. "This is the end of the line for you, Cho Hakkai!"

Gojyo landed roughly beside me, and I saw that he was lugging something with him—a heavy piece of wood, thicker than his arm and almost as long. "Hn. You sound pretty desperate."

Men were still flooding from the door, surrounding us. There were at least fifty of them.

Gan smiled, "Fools. Where do you expect to go? All of you will die right here."

"Shut up." Goku snarled on the other side of me. "You're the one going down."

With a solemn, curt gesture from their leader, the soldiers were firing again.

The three of us split up at once.

It was hell. For so early in the morning, it was already getting hot. I felt the rays of the sun burning down from the sky. The air was a whirlwind of bullets, reeking of gunpowder and steel. It was all I could do to keep moving, darting back and forth, ducking and dodging and feinting back, narrowly evading shot after shot. I knew that if I held still, even for a second, I'd be shot. But I continued to fight—we all did. I took down soldier after soldier, fighting the best I could with my hands still locked together, and the only comfort I could find was that my comrades were near me, watching my back.

Sya came at me; she had a long, shining knife in her hand, and there was a horrible look on her face.

For a moment, I felt a wave of fear. I didn't think I could fight her. I didn't think I could harm her, even knowing she wasn't Kanan. Even if there _were_ some differences in their appearances. Even if she deserved to be beaten down like the rest of them.

Shards of memories of Kanan were exploding through my mind.

"Die!" Sya shrieked, taking a stab at me.

I got out of the way easily, but she came at me relentlessly, slashing and slashing and slashing. The edge of her knife slit through the front of my shirt, cutting shallowly into my chest, and I felt dull, throbbing pain at once.

"Bitch!" Gojyo shouted. He went at her with a lack of restraint I hadn't expected, knocking her down with a sharp backhand blow.

"Gojyo." I snapped, automatically, then faltered. "She's…a woman, you know."

"No." He gnashed his teeth, hair flying as he leapt out of the way, narrowly avoiding getting his head blown open by a round. "She's a bitch."

There was a momentary lull in the firestorm as the soldiers took a moment to reload.

Goku shouldered up next to me, nudging me lightly, "Who's the girl?"

"No one." I said as calmly as I could.

He gave me a questioning look, but I was busily searching for a means of escape. "You two didn't happen to plan an escape route, did you?"

"We just figured we'd kill all these fucks and waltz through the front door." Gojyo answered. He wound back and struck a man who'd wandered too close in the face with his club. The man's brains splattered all over the nearest wall.

"Crude." I murmured, kicking back an assailant of my own.

"It's the best we got. Sorry it ain't perfect."

I glanced at him, "You weren't supposed to come back."

"You weren't supposed to just give up."

Gan was shouting again, giving more orders, and the remaining soldiers moved at once to draw in closer, arranging themselves into some sort of battle formation.

Goku finished off a few more opponents, "Man. There're a lotta' guys here…"

"Told you, shrimpy. Like a hundred. Any idea how many you took out inside?"

"What? Uhhh, I dunno'. Was I s'posed ta' count 'em?"

"Stupid monkey."

"Don't call me stupid, ya' damn-"

A round exploded beside Goku's head and he sprang to the side to avoid the next one.

While I was dodging and fighting off the next wave of soldiers that approached, I scanned the courtyard. We'd gone through quite a few of them. In fact, I estimated that there were almost forty bodies lying around, either unconscious, injured or dead. The three of us together were doing rather well. Still…there were a lot more ready to go at it, and if we slipped up even slightly, the consequences would be undoubtedly fatal.

Gan was standing calmly at the eye of the storm. I felt his gaze boring into me, as merciless as any aspect of the fight.

"It's no reason to quit…" I said to myself.

"Let me hear you say that again." Gojyo said, moving in to stand back to back with me.

I couldn't help but smile. "I'm not quitting. I promise."

Gojyo

This really sucked. I knew it would when we came down here—I knew that getting Hakkai out of this would be hard, but at least he was fighting with us, not just standing there crying about it. I guess I hadn't really known what to expect from him when we got here. I'd figured he'd either stand still, and say he deserved it, like an idiot, and we'd have to work even harder to help him, or he'd man up and fight.

Maybe I shouldn't have been surprised that he'd chosen the second option, but I couldn't help it, considering how he'd been acting the last time I saw him. I wondered what was going on in his head.

I tried to keep an eye on him as we fought. He was doing okay, all things considered, but I was worried about the handcuffs still on his wrists. That would definitely make fighting a million times harder.

I watched Gan the best I could too. I didn't know if he'd eventually join the fight, or if he'd give up when we'd gotten rid of his little army. Either way, the thing I was watching for was even the slimmest opportunity to kick his low life, bounty-hunter, scum bag ass.

When I thought about it, I checked around for Sanzo, but he was nowhere to be seen. Lazy monk was probably waiting around for us to clean up the mess before he stepped in. Why did he come anyway?

Fake Kanan was getting up slowly. I'd hit her pretty hard—hard enough to knock her out—but I'd been holding back. Not really because I wanted to, but because I didn't know what Hakkai would do if I really knocked her block off.

That bitch had to go, I thought, watching her sit up slowly, shaking her head and groping around for her knife. I'd seen the look on Hakkai's face when she came at him, and it was a little bit shocking that he hadn't just stood there and let her stab him in the heart.

She got up and turned on me, blood streaming down her chin and dripping onto her breasts. She looked pissed as hell, eyes burning with hatred, and she clenched her knife tightly, ready to attack again.

I don't know if I'd ever wanted to hurt a woman so bad before.

Before I could even think about going at her, Shaozu was in my way. He looked sort of pissed too, but there was an excitement in his face. Yeah, he really wanted to kill me.

What a coincidence. I really wanted to kill him too.

"Just the man I wanted to see." I grinned, circling around him.

He put his fists up, "Oh really? Why's that?"

I took a couple practice swings with my club. "No reason."

"I'm not going down so easy this time, kid."

"Yeah, yeah. I bet." I cocked back and took a step toward him, didn't swing, just to fake him out and watch him flinch.

Shaozu jumped well out of my range, face flushing when he realized I hadn't actually attacked.

I laughed at him. "Seriously though. You got the keys to Hakkai's handcuffs, huh?"  
>"What's it to you?"<p>

"I'm gonna' take 'em off your rotting corpse. That's what."

He came at me with a scream, took a swipe at my face.

I feinted left, doubled back around behind him, barely missed hitting him square in the back.

Shaozu spun around, his crazy, blonde hair flying. He sprang forward. His fist grazed my jaw.

With another laugh, I stepped into him, gave him a quick elbow strike to the nose, and he staggered back, bleeding and cursing.

A bullet rustled past my hair, but I tried to stay focused. We weren't getting out of here if Hakkai was all chained up. There were still too many guys with guns for just me and Goku to take care of, and that damn Sanzo was all AWOL, for whatever reason.

We circled around each other again, gazes locked.

Shaozu gave an angry shout as he attacked me. This time his strikes were a little faster and a little stronger. I dodged the first two, but the third caught me in the sternum, and I was the one stumbling back, coughing and mumbling curses.

The backlash of my next swing got him in the ribs, and it was all he could do to stay standing upright, but when he got his balance again, he was coming back for more, this time with a high kick that hit me in the chin.

My mouth snapped shut, rattling my teeth. I felt my feet raise off the ground a second, and then I landed hard on my back, a few feet from where I'd been standing.

"Son of a bitch." I raked the hair out of my face, spat some blood out.

He tried to drop kick my head right off my shoulders, but I scrambled out of the way, tripped him, and he fell face-first in the dust.

I swung down, trying to smash his skull.

Shaozu rolled away just in time. He was up again. He was swinging and punching.

I blocked a few of his blows with my fists. He was fast enough to dodge the swings I sent his way.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that fake Kanan seemed to have her wits again and was prowling toward Hakkai. It looked like she was going to go in for the kill.

Hakkai was preoccupied with fighting off some other yahoos, and I didn't think Goku understood just how dangerous that chick was to him. He wasn't going to go out of his way to protect Hakkai from a hundred and twenty pound woman.

"Dammit."

"Pay attention!" Shaozu sneered, right before he put his fist in my left eye.

I staggered back, felt the hot, rock wall behind me.

"You're all out of places to run, little Gojyo."

That was the least of my concerns. Fake Kanan was practically on top of Hakkai. He'd finally noticed her, but he didn't look like he was exactly planning to do anything about it. He'd probably just dodge some more and beg her to stop.

That was pretty pathetic—I wanted to think he wouldn't do that, but I just wasn't sure.

Shaozu dove forward and grabbed the front of my shirt with one hand. I saw him going for a knife of his own, knocked him off with a quick snap kick.

I darted to the side, diving to the ground just long enough to grab a handful of sand, and then I was up again. When Shaozu came at me, knife in hand, I tossed the sand in his eyes.

He howled, wiping at his eyes immediately, trying to dig the sand out of them with his free hand, and staggering around blind while he was at it. "You little motherfucking bitch!"

"Fuck you, asshole." I hit him as hard as I could in the head. Blood sprayed, and I think I heard his skull shatter. A second later, he slumped to the ground, red pouring from both his eyes and ears and his nose too. I'd really gotten him good.

I scrambled, dropping to my knees beside his body.

Hakkai was dancing around with the fake Kanan now, dodging more knife strikes, kicking at her half-heartedly. What an idiot. Like there weren't still two dozen guys with guns trying to shoot him.

I tore through Shaozu's uniform as fast as I could, found the keys a little too slowly for my standards. I ripped them off his belt and vaulted up again.

I was almost to Fake Kanan. I was going to slam her against the wall and bust every bone in her pretty, little skeleton.

When I was just a few feet away, Hakkai kicked her in the stomach, took advantage of her loss of ground, and the next kick got her right in the face. She collapsed right in front of me, and I actually had to jump over her to keep from tripping.

"Woah, man." I stared down at her. She was still conscious, writhing back and forth, blood oozing between her fingers as she held her hands to her face, shouting obscenities. Wide-eyed, I turned to Hakkai, "I didn't think you had it in you—she's a chick, and all."

"Yes, well, I didn't want to hear you lecturing me over it." He looked with interest at the keys. "Do those perchance undo these?"

"Hell. One of them's got to."

Goku came and stood with us, a wave of men following him, moving in slowly with their weapons aimed, "Uh, you guys think there's time for that?"

"There is if you cover us, ape-face." I tried the first key on the ring, but it was wrong.

"Stop callin' me those stupid names, butthead!"

"Or what?"

The second key wasn't any better.

"I'm gonna' come up with somethin' you hate just as much, _that's_ what!"

"Yeah, okay." Damn. The keys weren't working out too good. I'd been through five, and now there were only three left. What if none of them worked?

"I'm sure you will some day, Goku." Hakkai told him patiently. "For now though, would you mind providing us with some much-needed cover?"

"'Kay, but I'm doin' it for _you_, Hakkai, not this butt-goblin."

"Naturally."

With that, the kid was off again. I didn't have time to look up and watch him, but I could hear from the screams of fear and pain that he was doing his thing.

I was on the second to last key. My hands were shaking a little, and the sweat was starting to dribble down my forehead. "Shit. Today's gonna' be so fucking hot."

"If we live."

"Knock it off, Hakkai. We're gonna' live."

I snapped the key into the lock. Success! It actually fit. With a snappy twist of the wrist, both of Hakkai's shackles fell off, hitting the rocking ground with a heavy clatter.

"See? Told ya' I'd getcha' out of this."

He rubbed his wrists. "Thank-you. But I'm afraid this isn't quite over." He looked around the courtyard, "For instance… Gojyo, you didn't happen to see what happened to Gan, did you?"

"_Gan_?" I looked around too. Shit. I was so busy watching everybody else, I'd pretty much forgotten Gan.

"It's too much to hope he ran away."

"Yeah, but-"

There was another gunshot. It was probably just my imagination, but this one seemed louder than any of the others, and I was so distracted by that, I almost didn't notice the pain that went lancing suddenly through my shoulder.

The force of the blow knocked me back. In a second, I was just as pathetic as Shaozu or Fake Kanan, rolling in the dust, gasping from the pain, grabbing at my arm as it started to bleed. "What…the fuck?"

"Gojyo!" Hakkai took a step toward me.

"Hold it right there, Cho Hakkai." Gan's crushing, bleak, controlled voice ordered.

From my peripheral vision, I saw him emerge from the doorway. He had his own gun out now, the barrel smoking, and another, even bigger pistol in his other hand, both aimed right at us.

"Shit…" I clenched my shoulder. One round, right through the arm. Shit. It hurt. I hadn't been shot in a long, long time. I forgot how much it hurt. There was blood too, squirting blood. Bright blood.

"Hey!" Goku shouted, "You jerk!"

Gan was marching toward us now, gun unwavering, face not smiling. His eyes were so dark.

Hakkai didn't move. Goku knocked one more guy out and started to walk.

"Stop right there, boy." Gan barked. "I don't know who you are, but I see you've thrown your lot in with this murderer—you'll be lucky if I spare you."

"You fuckin' sonnova bitch." I grated out. "When I get my fucking hands on you…"

"I tried to warn you, Gojyo, but you made a very bad decision, I'm afraid, and you're going to die with your friend." He was just a few feet from Hakkai now, gun right in his face. "That is. Unless you surrender now, Hakkai. Give up your life, and it might be enough to save him."

"Screw you, Gan." I started to sit up. The pain wasn't that bad. The blood wasn't too much. I'd live.

He pointed the other gun right at my face, "Do yourself a favor and lie still. I've had just about enough of your impudence."

I grinned at him, "Just shoot me now, dickhead. If I get half a chance, I'm gonna' beat you to fucking death."

"Not when I suspect you can barely lift your weapon."

"Yeah, well, we'll see." I laughed.

His eyes narrowed, "What, may I ask, is so funny? I for one don't see a single humorous thing in this situation."

"You'll find out."

Gan cocked the pistol he had aimed at me, and he smiled back at me, mouth so twisted, eyes so black, he looked a little like a demon. "I believe that attitude just sealed your fate, Gojyo."

"Wait!" Hakkai shouted, "Gan, just a moment!"

"It's too late now, Cho Hakkai."

Two shots. I flinched, even when I thought I was ready for them.

Gan screamed. Blood sprayed from his right hand, and the gun flew from his grip, spun when it hit the ground, skittering away.

"You'd better think again." Sanzo's voice was even calmer than Gan's, and twice as ruthless. He was standing on the wall right above us, all too ready to shoot. "The only one who gets to shoot that bastard is me."

"Sanzo!" Hakkai spun around, a look of shock and awe on his face.

Sanzo ignored him. "I suggest you lower your weapon. I can just as easily lower it for you."

Gan glared at him out of the corner of his eye, "So. The rumors are true—a priest with a gun. I must admit, even I have never seen such a thing before."

"Damn, Sanzo." I forced myself to stand up, blood spurting from the bullet hole in my arm. "What took you so long?"

"I was waiting for you to get shot."

"You've been here all along?" Hakkai demanded. "For goodness sake, Sanzo, don't you think you could have helped us?"

"I'm not here for you." He replied, just as easily as announcing that the sky was blue.

I think we all gaped at him. Nothing in the courtyard moved. Eventually, Goku stammered, "Y-ya' didn't come ta' help Hakkai?"

"God damn. What the hell _are_ you here for?"

He didn't answer any of us. His piercing, purple eyes were leveled, unflinchingly, on Gan, "I will only ask this once. And I want a straight, concise answer. _Where_ is the treasure."

"Treasure?" Goku murmured.

Gan was perfectly still.

"You came here for treasure?" I squawked. "What-"

"Five days ago, the treasury at Keiun temple was raided, and a number of important relics were taken. I came today for one purpose—I don't care who you are, and I don't care what you do with Hakkai—I want those relics back now, and if you don't tell me where they are, don't think I won't put a bullet between your eyes and find them myself."

Still Gan didn't speak.

"So. Drop your weapon."

Slowly, Gan smiled again, "You do drive a hard bargain, Genjyo Sanzo. Very well then." He dropped the gun.

"I see." Hakkai murmured.

I barely suppressed a groan and leaned on his shoulder. The pain was unbearable, and I could feel blood soaking my sleeve, almost to my elbow. "See what? I don't. I thought those gang freaks we looked all over for took Sanzo's treasure."

"Yes, but surely even you remember our theory that perhaps the people responsible did what they did just to get attention."

"Yeah. Sanzo's attention."

"And who does Sanzo send to attend to business when something of that nature grabs his attention?"

"Well, us. Duh."

"Yes. Us. You. And _me._"

"So- Oh. Oh, yeah."

"Duh."

"What?" Goku asked. "I still don't get it."

Gan sighed, "This is all so tedious. Yes, yes, I have it."

Sanzo didn't miss a beat. "I know you do. Where is it?"

"If I tell you, I expect you to take your sights off me, priest, and allow me to finish my job."

"You're not in any position to be making requests. Tell me where my relics are, if you want to live."

Gan was lighting a cigarette, not looking even slightly ruffled. I really hated him for that. "Inside of course. In the basement, the storage room beside the prison."

"Hn. You're not completely idiotic, after all."

"And I expect to be rewarded for it."

Finally, Sanzo gave him that sharp, loveless, evil smile, "Rewarded? For returning the things you stole? Well, _I'm_ not going to kill you—consider that your reward." He lowered his pistol. That asshole.

Immediately, Gan went for the gun he'd dropped.

I kicked it out of his reach.

He scrambled after it—it was good to see him frantic for once.

"No you don't." I beat him down with a single stroke to the back, ignoring the pain in my arm

Gan lay at our feet, his weapon out of reach, his hair and uniform coated in dust. He glanced around for help, but Goku had finished off all his men a long time ago. Fake Kanan was there, but she was useless. Sanzo's shadow was falling over him. At last, he stared up at Hakkai, "Well, murderer. It seems I'm at your mercy."

"Damn straight you are." I growled.

Hakkai stared back down at him, not so much as a muscle quivering.

"I expect to be torn to pieces now, am I right? Another victim of the youkai slayer."

Hakkai shook his head. At first, it was so slight, I thought the wind was just blowing his hair, but it grew, gradually, and his voice was deadly serious, "No, Gan. I have no interest in killing you."

I did a double take of him, "Say what?"

"I said, I will not bloody my hands with this man's life."

"Are you crazy? Why not? This bastard fucked up your whole week! He almost killed you, Hakkai!"

"Yes, but he's only doing his job. The ones truly responsible are far away from here, and should they ever come for me in person…well, I'll deal with that then. This bounty hunter isn't worth the effort."

Gan looked shocked.

"Yeah, but…" Goku spoke up nervously, "He could come after ya' again, Hakkai."

"Perhaps. Or he may think better of it and choose a profession as a florist from here on out. As for us. I suggest we take our opportunity to make our exit now. I'm sure Sanzo will require our assistance to carry his stolen relics." He looked at Fake Kanan next, "I apologize if you didn't get what you were looking for, Sya—I fear you've wasted a good deal of time on this endeavor—if I may make a suggestion, now may be the time to look into getting married and settling down. I assure you, that's far less dangerous."

_Sya_ looked furious, but she didn't make any moves to attack either.

At last, Hakkai turned to go, "Come along, you two."

Goku took a look around, and then he locked his hands behind his head and followed.

I couldn't believe this. After everything these people had put him through, he was going to just walk away from it all, let them get away with it. No, he was giving them the chance to come back and try again. What was stopping them? When we left, what was stopping Gan from gathering whatever was left of his army, if anything, and attacking our house, like he'd said he would? How in the world could Hakkai be so forgiving? How could be so…so stupid?

"No way." I snarled.

Hakkai and Goku both looked back at me. "Gojyo?"

"No way, Hakkai. This dick did way too much to us."

He started to say something, but after he'd studied the look on my face for just a split second, he must have decided it wouldn't be enough, and decided to switch tactics. "Come now. Don't be petty."

"_Petty_? Hakkai, this asshole almost killed _both_ of us!"

"Almost. Yes. Perhaps if one of us were dead it would merit some revenge, but as it stands, I think we can afford to let him off the hook."

"Bullshit." I gripped my club tighter.

He darkened his look, "You're in no condition to-"

I hauled back and smashed Gan across the back again, listened as he crumpled to the ground, screaming.

"Gojyo!" Hakkai scolded.

"That's for hitting me, you bitch!"

I brought the club down on his arm this time, breaking it.

"That's for kidnapping me!"

Gan howled. His voice wasn't all under control now.

I kicked him as hard as I could, and felt his ribs give under the toe of my boot, "That's for bribing me!"

Gan writhed and sputtered, squirming to get up.

I drop-kicked his head, and he landed on his back, gasping from the pain.

"Hell, I can't even list all the fucking ways you pissed me off!" I smashed more of his ribs with the club.

"Gojyo, what're you doin'?" Goku yelled.

I hit him again and again, blood spurting from the wound. I didn't care about that. "You almost killed my fucking best friend! Even if you _didn't_ just shoot me in the goddamn arm I'd wanna' kill you!" He was starting to look pretty fucked up, bleeding and gasping, head rolling back and forth. That was fine. This bastard didn't deserve a quick, painless death.

Not that I felt great either. The exertion made my whole arm feel like it was on fire, and blood was spattering my face and clothes. "All your babbling on about partnership and giving a shit about some murderer—you never figured it out, did you? You thought I was fucking around when I said 'if you're fucking with him, you're fucking with me'! Leme' spell it out for you, dickhead! He's my fucking _best friend!_ That's the what kind of relationship we have!"

Gan choked. There was blood streaming all down his face and arms, staining his military jacket.

Panting, I wound up to deliver the final blow.

"Gojyo!" Hakkai caught my wrist, stopping the swing and pushing me back a little. "That's enough!"

"After what he did?" I screamed back at him, "The hell it is!"

"Look at yourself—look how you're acting—this isn't even like you!"

"Like how it isn't like _you_ to be so forgiving? What the fuck's the matter with you, Hakkai?"

"I already told you. I don't believe this man deserves to die."

"Yeah, well I think he does!"

He was a little quieter now, but his voice stayed firm, "Not like this. He's not even armed, and the Gojyo I know wouldn't kill an unarmed man this brutally. Am I wrong?"

I knew he was right; it wasn't really something I would do normally. I told Gan I'd beat him to death though, and he deserved it, didn't he? I thought about how angry I'd been yesterday, when they'd thrown me out of here and told me to just forget about Hakkai. I had so wanted to kill someone then, and I was getting my chance now. I should take it while I had it, shouldn't I?

Maybe not. I felt like I'd gone just a little bit crazy for a second, like something inside me had totally snapped. It could be my wound, or the lack of sleep. It could be anything. But I wasn't sure I could convince myself that Gan didn't deserve for me to splatter his skull like a watermelon. After all. If I let him go, he'd come back, even if it wasn't right away. Even if he had to go off and recuperate and hire a bunch more men, even if it was years from now, I knew he'd show up again, some day, probably even colder than he was now, with even more men to back him up. Why should I give him that chance?

Hakkai tightened his grip on my wrist, like he was trying to ground me to the present, "If he ever comes back, we'll handle it. We'll be ready for him next time."

Slowly, I lowered the club, jerking away from Hakkai, impatiently, and spat on Gan. "Fine. You win. Hey, hear that, asshole?" I nudged Gan with my boot, and he groaned, probably only half-conscious by this time, "You better thank him I ain't beating the living shit out of your ass."

Hakkai pried the club out of my hand easily, "I suppose I'm touched, in any case. No one's ever beaten someone senseless for my sake before."

"It wasn't for you." I snapped half-heartedly. "My freaking leg arm, that's all."

"Then may I suggest we get on our way? He may or may not have damaged one of your arteries, and that's not the sort of injury one takes lightly."

"Geez, Gojyo." Goku mumbled as he started walking again, "You're crazy."

"Can it, shrimp."

Hakkai gave me a long look, "Shall we?" He moved on too, assuming I'd be right behind him.

I lingered for just a second, bent down and gripped a handful of Gan's collar. I was feeling a little lightheaded and hot now, the pain pounding up and down my shoulder to my neck and wrist. I lifted his neck and shoulders up off the ground, his head hanging limply.

"Listen to me, you messed up freak of nature. If you ever come back, I don't care if you're just vacationing over here, I swear to God I'll finish this. Nobody'll be able to stop me. You got that?"

Gan stared up at me with glazed eyes, but I knew he understood me.

It almost looked like he was giving me that cold, twisted smile. What a sick fuck.

Hakkai called out to me, obviously noticing I wasn't with them.

I dropped Gan abruptly, kicked some dust on him, and followed the other two. Maybe—hopefully—Gan would just die where he was, and I wouldn't have to worry about him again.

Limping, I managed to catch up to Hakkai. Goku was a few yards ahead, picking his way through the field of lifeless bodies and humming to himself.

"You really shouldn't worry about it." My room mate decided. "I don't think he'll come looking for trouble again. Probably."

"I hate it when you say 'probably'." I mumbled, slinging my arm over his shoulder.  
>"At any rate, if he does, it will likely be a long time from now."<p>

"Probably."

Hakkai laughed. "Well, we'll deal with it, as I said. I doubt he can get away with using a Kanan double twice, so next time, we'll have the upper hand, I think."

I nodded jerkily. Damn, I was starting to feel woozy.

Hakkai pulled me upright—I hadn't even realized I was falling—voice a touch more serious, "Let's find Sanzo now, shall we? Perhaps we'll even come across a first aid kit while we're inside."

"I friggin' hope so." I mumbled. "Hey, what about that girl?"

"Sya?" I think he looked over his shoulder, but I'm not sure. Everything was getting a little bit blurry. "It goes without saying that there's not much she can do on her own, wouldn't you agree?"

"Guess so."

"Hey." Goku called back to us from where he was standing at the door, "What's Sanzo's relics doin' here? He said some kinda' gang took that stuff."

"They were a gang of sorts, I think. Obviously the relics were the bait Gan decided to use to lure me into this trap."

Goku looked confused as hell.

I laughed at him.

Both of them gave me a funny look. That just made me laugh more. Anyway, I was feeling dizzy now, and sluggish.

"I don't get it." The kid decided after a second, "I'm gonna' go look for Sanzo." With that, he ran inside.

"Then we may as well look around for a first aid kit, and hopefully Sanzo won't need us to help him carry his recovered goods. I was quite surprised to see him, you know."

"Hn. Yeah. Bastard only came to get his shit back."

"Yes, but what I meant was, I honestly never even considered that you might go to him for help."

"Didn't…I mean. I was asking _Goku_. Not Sanzo."

"Either way, I suppose it's good that he came, regardless of his true motives. We might be dead now, if it weren't for him."

"Can I pretend not to know that? The last thing I want…is to owe _Sanzo_ a fucking favor."

He just laughed at that.

We rooted through the fort a little while, looking for some medical supplies. It seemed totally abandoned. I guess all the soldiers had either been taken out in the showdown in the courtyard, or they'd gotten scared and run away. I didn't really care what happened to them, as long as they weren't getting in our way now.

Eventually, Hakkai found a small, white medical box with a few rolls of gauze and some band-aids and spray and some other shit we couldn't use.

"I feel like you do this a lot." I said, watching him wind the gauze around my upper arm.

"So do I. You know, I've been considering looking into developing some sort of healing power."

"Healing power?" Was I delirious or did he actually say 'healing power'? "Whassat mean?"

"Just what it sounds like."

"Is…something like that actually _possible_?"

"I presume so. I read a bit about the use of chi to heal others while I was studying in school. I always thought it was a fascinating idea, but at the time, I didn't have the physical strength to support such a thing. Perhaps now that I'm different it might be more plausible."

"Would'ja' be able to heal _anything_?"

"I don't think so. That would take too much chi; no, it would more likely only be useful for closing wounds and speeding up the body's natural healing process. Still, that's better than nothing. At the very least, it would prevent the subject from bleeding to death."

"Would'ja' be able to heal _yourself_?"

Hakkai blinked, like he hadn't thought of that. "Well. No. Somehow I doubt it."

"Hmph." I started a cigarette. "That sorta' sucks."

"It is what it is." He tied off the bandage. "That should hold until we get to Ton's house."

"_Ton_? I gotta' put up with that asshole now? God, I've been putting up with assholes all day."

"Yes, but Ton would be rather disappointed in me if I allowed you to bleed to death, don't you think?"

"Nah. It's not like we ever pay him." I got up, testing the bandage. If I was lucky, it would hold. If not, I guess he was going to drag my ass home. I almost thought he might deserve that after I ran for two hours straight and walked another three with that cranky dick Sanzo, all to save his idiotic face from being blown in. "Good as new. Let's go."

We started walking again.

"Thank-you for coming back, Gojyo." Hakkai said quietly.

"Whatever. I didn't do it for you."

He smiled slightly, "Yes. I know."

We met up with Sanzo and Goku again, and the four of us made our way toward the exit, back out into the growing heat.

The kid was grinning and chattering away, and Sanzo looked as unenthusiastic as usual. He was carrying a canvas bag that looked like it only had a couple of things in it.

"That's it?" I demanded. "You came all the way over here for _that_?"

"What else would I have come for?" he snorted. "I can't believe you actually thought I came to help you."

"Yeah, well next time someone steals like _two _things from you, get it back yourself."

Hakkai was laughing at us. "I'm grateful at least, Sanzo. It seems that all four of us can accomplish quite a bit. Perhaps we should work together more often."

Sanzo frowned. "Ugh. No. I like the three of you best when you're nowhere near me."

"The feeling's mutual." I said half-heartedly, but I didn't really feel like bitching at him today. Maybe cutting him a break could be a good enough thank-you.

"This was fun!" Goku screamed suddenly. "I wanna' do it again!"

"Fun? Oh yeah, a real joy ride, between running for three hours and getting shot, I had a serious blast."

Hakkai turned to raise his eyebrows at me, "You _ran_ from here to Chang'an?"

"Well yeah. What else was I supposed to do? Call a cab?"

"I must say, you've certainly been expanding your horizons lately; it's impressive. Still, I'm rather surprised your lungs didn't collapse."

"Ah, shuddup. It wasn't that big a deal."

"I find that somewhat hard to believe seeing how you smoke two packs of cigarettes every day."  
>"I do <em>not!<em>"

"Heh." Sanzo added, "You should have seen him by the time he got to the temple. I thought he'd just fall over and die."

"Fuck you! It's a long way to run!"

Goku grinned at me. "You're such a baby, Gojyo."

I turned on him, careful not to move my injured arm too much, "_I'm_ the baby? What about _you,_ ya' diaper-wearing, toddler monkey?"

"I ain't a monkey! You're a whiny, wheezy, out of shape, kappa bum!"

"Who's outta' shape?" I smacked him in the back of the head. "It's a long fucking way to run!"

"_I _could run from here to Chang'an in two _minutes_."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"So do it!"

"Let's go then! I'll race ya'!"

"I can't race you right now, you shithead."

"Why not? Too outta' shape?"

"Try saying that _one_ more time, Goku, I'll-"

"Enough." Sanzo snarled. He hit me in the head with the fan, and then Goku too. "I'm going to kill you both!"

"Geez." I fixed my hair, "Give the injured guy a break, guys."

Hakkai was laughing again, "On second thought, perhaps the four of us _should_ keep our distance from one another."

"Right? I'm way overdosed on Sanzo and his goddamn fan right now."

Sanzo just scowled. "Keep your mouth shut and being around me won't be such a burden. I'm just sorry it doesn't go both ways."

I started to fire something back at him, but Goku was screaming in my ear again.

"Hey guys!"

He came up behind Hakkai and I, hanging off our shoulders and leaning forward with enough weight that he almost dragged me to the ground, and I had to fight to stay upright.

"Goddammit, monkey!"

"Yes, Goku?"

"Next time ya' gotta' go an' do somethin' for Sanzo, can I come too?"

Hakkai and I exchanged looks.

"Well, I don't see why not. That is, as long as it's all right with Sanzo."

Sanzo didn't even flinch, "Do whatever you want."

"Really? Yay! Finally, somethin' exciting!"

"Yeah, that's great." I shrugged out from under him, "Finally somebody to carry all Hakkai's damn luggage."

Hakkai's smile didn't fade for a second as he amended, "Finally. Someone to carry all the medical equipment required to put Gojyo back together when he gets his hind-end handed to him."

I elbowed him for that, but kept talking to Goku, "But remember kid, don't slow us down. We move pretty fast, so you better keep up."

"I can keep up! I'm faster than both of ya'!"

"Of course, of course, Goku. All he means is that we do get into some rather dangerous situations, and you'll have to stay the course and not get distracted…."

They kept talking, and I looked up at the sky. There wasn't a cloud to be seen, and the sun was getting pretty high up, beating down hard on us. Another scorcher in the making, and there was a long walk ahead of us, the wound was stinging, muscles pounding, my joints were stiff when I walked, and my head still felt light, but all in all, it looked like it was going to be a pretty good day.

Way better than it could have been…

Walking all the way to Ton's house, injured like this, and getting some stitches was a lot better than what had almost happened.

I chanced a glance at Sanzo. He was looking straight ahead, smoking, like he was the only person in the whole world.

"Um, hey, Sanzo."

"Don't say it."

That's what I thought.

"Say what? I just wanted to know if I can buy you a beer some time."

"Feh. Spare me the agony. Must I say it again—I didn't do this for you, I did it to get my relics back."

"Whatever man. Still-"

He gave me a glare, "I said don't say it."

I grinned, hooking my arm over his shoulder, "Awe, c'mon, Master Sanzo, don't be so nasty."

"Say one more word to me, Gojyo-"

"Thanks, man."

"-I'll kill you." Sanzo shoved my arm off, and maybe I was delirious from pain, but it didn't seem as rude as it usually did, "Next time, bail yourself out, asshole."

"Yeah, yeah, okay."

He turned to me, a little hesitantly, "I mean, don't get used to it—I'm not always going to be around to save your worthless ass."

"Right, I know. Hey, wait a minute. Do you even know what I'm thanking you for?"

"Yes." Sanzo turned his back on me, "I do. It's pathetic."

"Yeah…" I blew a puff of smoke up at the flawless, blue sky, "I guess you're right."


	11. Chapter 11

Erm. This one's sort of psycadelic…so it may push some boundaries, but I hope you enjoy it just the same.

Mission Ten

Regression

"Well," I scraped the pot toward me, tucking the money away into my coat, "Looks like I win again. Guess that means it's time to head home."

The guys all looked at me weird, like I lost my mind or something. "Really? It's so early."

I shrugged, "Midnight."

"That's early for you. C'mon, Gojyo, one more hand."

"Not tonight, boys. You can come try to win your money back tomorrow."

Bao-zhi shook his head and dashed his cigar in the ash tray, "You've been leaving earlier and earlier, y'know. What're you settling down?"

"Awe, you jealous?"

"Jealous? No. Just you runnin' off as soon as you've won a couple hands looks a lot like cowardice, Gojyo." He smiled viciously.

I flipped him the bird and smiled back, "I ain't scared of you, Bao-zhi. Rematch tomorrow night, alright?" But a couple years ago, that would have been a sure-fire way to get me to stick around. "See you guys later."

The muttered their dull, disappointed goodbyes, and I headed out the door. It really wasn't very late, I thought, as I lit another cigarette. There was time for another hand. There might even be time to go find me a pretty chick.

No. Sanzo wanted us to go get something tomorrow, and that meant an early start, a long walk, and a rough fight, like always. Going home late would just mean I'd be exhausted tomorrow.

Guess Hakkai's responsibility was finally rubbing off on me. I grinned to myself as I walked. Wouldn't he be so proud?

I stopped in the middle of the road to think a moment, then turned to duck down the nearest alley. It wasn't very late. Might as well swing by my favorite liquor store—we were running out of booze at home, especially since Hakkai could drink anything in the world like it was water.

The cheapest liquor store in town was the opposite direction of home, over on the shady side of town, but I had plenty of time.

I cut through a few more alleys; the town was mostly dark now, and I didn't see anyone else roaming the streets, but that suited me fine. It was Tuesday night after all—most people had an honest job to go to early in the morning. Hopefully the liquor store would still be open. I knew the owner pretty well, so he'd let me in whether they were open or not. Even if it was too late, oh well. There was always tomorrow. Or the day after that. It was starting to feel like I had the rest of my life to do whatever I wanted—the missions we did for Sanzo were the only things that ever interfered with my free time. I could go on like this forever.

The night air was cool and there was a slight breeze that felt good as it blew through my hair, and I was enjoying just walking, smoking and whistling like nothing mattered, when someone came around the corner ahead of me.

At first, I didn't let it bother me. It was obviously just another happy-go-lucky night person out for some air; but, as they were walking, they lined their path up with mine, purposely getting in my way.

I didn't feel like fighting, so I moved.

The asshole moved into my path. In fact, any time I tried to get out of his way, he moved so we were destined for the same old collision.

When we were about ten feet apart I stopped.

He stopped too, standing there like a shadow. I couldn't make out his face or anything, and it looked like he was wearing a hood over his head.

"What the hell, asshole? You tryin' to start a fight?"

The dick chuckled, "Aw, c'mon, it's just a joke."

That laugh was so familiar, and I knew that voice.

"You lost your sense of humor, buddy?"

I almost dropped my cigarette, "Banri?"

Laughing, he pulled his hood down, and I could make out the familiar shape of his head and his long, youkai ears. "Hey, long time no see."

"No shit long time no see. Try almost three years."

"Did'ja' miss me?"

"Hell no, asswipe. Where the hell've you been anyway?"

"Here, there. Seeing some old friends. Re-kindling old romances. You know. Same old routine. What? You get lonely without me?"

"I-" I stopped myself. What was I doing, talking to Banri, like this was just any other time he'd been gone and decided to show up again? I wasn't that big an idiot. "Actually no, I've been doin' good without you." I snorted.

"Yeah? Should I believe you, pal?"

"You don't have to, I guess. Now get outta' my way."

"Hey, what's that attitude about? Aren't you happy to see me?"

"No." I shouldered past him roughly.

He followed me, "What's the deal? I ain't seen you in years and you're gonna' act like a snob to me?"

"Get bent, Banri. I've got nothin' to say to you."

"Wait a minute, Gojyo." I felt his hand wind around my arm, pulling me to a stop. It felt weird—like it should have been familiar, because it was Banri, but all I could think was that it was the only way Hakkai ever touched me, and it was only when he was trying to prevent me from doing something he thought was a bad idea.

I wrenched away, "Keep your fuckin' hands off me."

Banri looked startled. The light was falling on his face now, and I could see that he'd grown a goatee, but aside from that, he looked just like he had three years ago. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Gojyo?"

"What do _you_ think?"

"Don't tell me this is about last time. Like you said, that was three years ago."

"If it was a million years I'd tell you to keep your fuckin' hands off me."

"Hey!" he grabbed a fistful of my shirtfront and gave me a jerk. It was a pretty aggressive thing for him to do, but at the time, I didn't think about how unlike him it really was. "Quit the girl act, okay? I did what I had to do—and look, you're alive, right? No harm, no foul."

"You almost got me killed." I growled.

"I knew you'd get out of it."

"You didn't _know_ anything. You threw me to the wolves when it was in your best interest—you didn't know if I'd make it out—you didn't give a shit. You actually think I'm gonna' welcome you back with open arms? Buy you a beer?"

"Aw, c'mon, kid. How about I buy _you _a beer?"

"As if. I've never seen you buy anything for anyone."

His voice took on a pleading tone, "Don't be that way, Gojyo; I came all the way back here to see you."

"Right. To see if I was alive, you mean."

"Man, I really hurt your feelings, didn't I?"

"It's not about my_ feelings_."

"Whatever it is, I'll make it up to ya'. Leme' buy you a beer, okay?" He finally let go of my shirt, smoothed it with a smile.

As soon as I was free, I started walking again, "Look, _dude_, I don't know what you're here for, but whatever it is, leave me out of it. And for the record, I don't need anything from you."

"Huh. Well that's a new one." He said, walking up beside me. "Not needing anything from me, that is."

"I-"

Banri slung an unwelcome arm around my neck, "Gojyo, when I met you, you were just a dumb kid running scared on the streets. Look at you now: you're still a dumb kid, but at least you're not runnin' scared, right? And who do you think you have to thank for that?"

"Banri, you-"

"Me. That's who. I took you under my wing, showed you everything I know, got you started. So what now? You got your feelings hurt so you're gonna' throw all that history away like it was nothing? You're a big boy now, so you think you can snub me and go on with life like I never existed?"

"Actually, yeah. And now that I think about it, you didn't do that much for me."

"That really hurts, Gojyo. For real."

"I bet."

"You know you were pimp bait when I met you, right?"

Furious, I shoved his arm off, "I've never been pimp bait."

He laughed spitefully, "Little teenage mutt with pretty hair and some interesting scars? You were a fetisher's wet dream, buddy."

I'd had enough. I turned on him, slammed him hard into the wall.

Banri just grinned, and there was something unnaturally malicious about that too, "Still could be, I bet."

I was so angry, I wasn't sure I could keep myself from beating the shit out of him. "I'm only gonna' ask you this one last time, Banri. What the hell do you want?"

"What makes you think I want anything?"

"You always want something." _Everyone always wants something._

"Not this time, pal. In fact, I'm here to do you a solid."

"Oh, gime' a break." I rolled my eyes. "Know what? I don't even have time to ask what you think you're gonna' do for me. I'm going the hell home. Have a nice life."

I didn't go though. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what was keeping me from turning around a walking away.

It was just that it was Banri, I guess. Like he said, we had a ton of history, and walking away from him was easier said than done.

"Aw, fuck. What the hell do you _want_, Banri?"

His grin expanded, and his eyes were shining, "I just wanna' catch up. C'mon and leme' buy you a drink."

I scowled at him. "Just one, alright? Then I'm out."

"Whatever you say, pal." He pounded my shoulder, started walking again.

Cursing myself under my breath, I followed him down the alley, quickening my step until I caught up with him, and then we walked side-by-side in silence. Man, I was being stupid. I could barely believe how freaking stupid I was being, but I knew he wasn't going to leave me alone until he got what he wanted, and maybe, if all he wanted was to buy me a beer and catch up, for once, giving asshole Banri what he wanted wouldn't be such a big deal. If he was telling me the truth, anyway.

I stayed alert, but the night was quiet. The breeze had died away, and everything was still as we wound our way through the back routes of the town. Banri took corners decisively and made his moves precisely. He could still remember all the ins and outs of this place, even when he'd been gone so long. We'd done this many, many times. Together.

"Know what tonight reminds me of, Goj?" He asked after we'd been walking a couple minutes.

"What?" I asked automatically.

"Remember the night we broke into that rich bitch's house? On top of the hill?"

"Of course."

"We ripped that dick off for _so_ much shit. Remember? Damn, that was a good time. The weather was so perfect, just like tonight."

I couldn't remember the weather that night, but I guess I remembered having fun. At first.

"Can't believe we got away with that." He added as an afterthought.

"_You_ did." I reminded him gruffly.

"Oh, that's right—they caught you. I had to come bail your ass out—lucky you were just a kid, huh?"

"Yeah. Lucky me."

He laughed, "I was _so_ mad at you for getting caught."

"Dunno' why. You're lucky I didn't rat your ass out."

"Yeah, you ain't much of a rat, I guess."

"We can't all be."

He gave me an uncertain smile, like maybe he wasn't sure if I was kidding or not, "You still living with that proper dude? What's-his-name?"

"What's it to you if I am?"

"Nothin', I guess. He just doesn't seem like he's your type."

I breathed in some cigarette smoke, but didn't comment.

"Be careful, pal. He might start rubbing off on ya'."

"Y'know, maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world."

"Yeah, sure. No. I mean, if you don't care about having fun ever again."

I started to bite his head off, but he stopped suddenly, and I nearly ran into him.

"Here we are."

The bar looked especially seedy. The neon sign was flickering, the windows were dusty and coated in grime so it was impossible to see inside, and most of them were boarded up anyway. It wasn't even a place I was familiar with, way out here on the outskirts of town, and it looked like it was three days from either falling down or being condemned.

"_Here_?"

"See? That's just what I mean. You live with those well-bred assholes a while, and then you start turning your nose up at normal things."

"Banri, this place is a dive."

"Yeah, but the booze is cheap and the chicks are loose, and last I checked, that was all you cared about."

"That's not true." I growled, watching him climb the front steps, "I got refined tastes."

"Then I'll buy you the most expensive drink in the house, alright, smart ass? Now come on. One drink." He grinned over his shoulder at me, "Right?"

"Yeah, yeah."

It was a total dive, just like I said, and I couldn't remember if I'd ever been in it before—maybe once or twice when I was too drunk to remember. Tonight, it was almost completely empty, with just a couple skanky looking chicks and some hard up losers scattered along the bar, and a group of guys playing cards. The room was full of smoke, dimly lit, blinds drawn, even though you couldn't see out the window for shit, and the place reeked of puke. I didn't recognize the bartender, but I did notice right away that everyone inside was a youkai without a power limiter.

"Great place."

"Don't be so judgmental. Hey, barkeep! The finest you got for this guy, on my tab! He's getting your drink, Goj. C'mon over here and play cards with me and the guys."

"I ain't here to play cards, Banri. I came for one drink, remember?" My voice sounded firm enough, so why was I letting him waltz me across the room like it was nothing?

"Right this way, m'lady."

I was starting to remember that it was actually pretty hard to say no to Banri. He was a dick, but there was something about him that made you want to hang out with him. Not like the leadership Sanzo had. Something else. Something less genuine.

If I know it's not genuine, I should get out of here now.

But I already knew that wasn't going to happen, so I shoved my hands into my pockets and tried to convince myself that I was over-reacting.

The guys at the table watched us approach, looking me up and down like hungry animals, probably trying to figure out if they could play me or get something off me. They seemed like sort of a creepy bunch, all of them a little older than Banri and me, with punk haircuts and nasty expressions.

Banri pushed me toward an empty chair between this big, meaty guy wearing a stained wife beater and this other, junky-looking kid who kept wiping his nose and snorting. He took a seat opposite me, "You still play cards, right?"

"My eyes ain't fallen out yet, have they?" I glanced around the table at the other guys, trying to ignore the way they all leered at me. I couldn't help feeling like this was just a little bit dangerous, and I automatically checked for a way out, but there was nothing but the door we'd come through, and the toilet.

No big deal. No big deal. I was just gonna' have a quick drink, maybe play a round of cards, take what I could get from these assholes, and go home.

Banri started another cigarette; the guy next to him started dealing. The meaty guy beside me was still looking me up and down.

I gave him the most insolent glare I could muster, "You gotta' problem, gorilla pimp?"

"So." He blew smoke in my face, "You're the good friend Banri talks about all the time?"

I couldn't believe Banri talked about me all the time, but I took a drag off my own cigarette and blew smoke right back at him, "The one and only."

"This's Gojyo, guys." Banri spoke up unworriedly. "It's cool if he plays with us, right?"

No one answered him, and the meat head kept glowering at me.

I ignored him, and the bartender brought my drink, and not a second too soon, because the second it was gone, I was going to get out of this place, and hopefully never see Banri again.

"All right, dealer. While we're young." I tapped the table.

Banri laughed at me, "You're so serious today, buddy. And here I told all the guys about what a riot you are. Don't disappoint me."

"Gime' a break, I wasn't expecting to see you." I looked at my hand, barely registering the cards I had, exchanged two of them.

"You need a drink, that's all. After a couple drinks, you'll be wondering how you lived without me for all these years."

"Yeah right." I smirked at him. "You mean I'm gonna' wonder how I ever lived _with_ you."

Banri laughed.

I won the first hand with a flush, which everyone hated me for, but it was a good enough start to get me to hang around.

When I won the two hands after that, Banri said, "Haven't lost your touch at cards at least."

"Hell no." I took a swig of my beer; by that time I was really enjoying the drink—it was some high-dollar booze I didn't generally spend money on. "You guys better get ready to be shit-ass-broke."

They were too, after a few more hands. I kept winning and winning; even when I lost a hand, I'd get all the money back a couple games later, and Banri kept the drinks coming until I felt so good, I wasn't even thinking about heading home. I was just having fun, and no matter how much I wanted to be pissed at Banri, I couldn't do it. After all, he was my partner, and somewhere in my sick, messed up, little brain, I had actually kind of missed him, so maybe just for one night, it would be cool to cut loose with him again and pretend he hadn't betrayed me.

Everything was great. I was sitting, playing cards and drinking, each hand streaming into the next hand, a blur of clubs, hearts, diamonds and spades. The alcohol burned, but I could barely taste it. There was an endless supply of cigarettes in my pocket—why not share one with the guy next to me, or the guy next to him? We were all friends, weren't we? Had been forever. I was surrounded by friends. And everything was great.

Full house here. Three of a kind there. Win some, lose some. What was money anyway?

The room was spinning and spinning and spinning. I was spinning. The laughter in my head was floating around and around, my heart was racing, and I wanted to run. To jump. To scream. I wanted to climb the tallest mountain in the world and just scream my head off.

Banri pounded me on the back. Where the hell had he been for three years anyway? I had missed him.

"Guess you still got it after all." He laughed.

"Hell yeah. I'm the sex, you know."

He laughed even harder. "No, I mean you're still a fun guy."

I took a drag off the cigarette in my hand; I couldn't remember if it was his or mine. "'Course I am."

We took a couple shots and the spinning picked up.

I laughed my ass off at something. "Hey, remember the day we robbed the convenience store?"

"Hell yes, I do! Then we went and found those two chicks."

"Fuckin' awesome day. I wish shit was that way still."

Banri ruffled my hair. "It is!"

Yeah, I guess it was. Look at me now. Laughing and drinking and smoking with Banri again. What was going to stop us from holding up the corner store down the street? We could conquer the whole goddamn world if we wanted—there were no limits. There was no one to tell us we couldn't.

"I think we've grown outta' convenience stores, Goj."

"Yeah? Think so?"

"Hell yes, I do. You gotta' start thinkin' a little bit bigger, buddy. Think about it—nobody even knows you're alive right now. Humans control everything. When you die, nobody's gonna' remember you existed, not if you keep livin' like _this_." His eyes were shining again, "But not me, Goj. I know I'm better'n all this shit, and I'm gonna' leave my mark on this world—those assholes'll _never_ forget _I _was here."

"'The hell're you talkin' about?"

Banri laugh and slapped me on the back and bought me another drink. Everyone else was laughing too. It was great. I hadn't had this much fun in forever.

The meaty guy who'd been next to me, Peng, took a few shots with me. He was a pretty nice guy actually. He offered me a cigarette. It wasn't a cigarette. It was something else. He didn't tell me what was in it, but I could handle it. I was ten feet tall. I was bulletproof.

I took bounce to euphoria after that. I was where I was supposed to be, and everything was great.

Hell, maybe I'd leave a mark on this world when I went down for the count too. There was no one to tell me I couldn't.

Hakkai

I had the strangest feeling in the pit of my stomach as I prepared to turn in for the night, and I was doing the best I could to ignore it, because there was absolutely no reason why I should sit up all night and worry myself to death like an old woman. Gojyo and I had lived together for two and a half years. He'd come home much, much later than this. As far as I knew, he didn't so much as appreciate my concern, so why waste it? Wherever he was, he was fine, and even if he wasn't, the man was nearly twenty-two years old, so he'd better deal with whatever hardships came his way as a result of his juvenile behavior.

For some reason…all the typical justifications I usually gave myself in order to sleep well weren't working. It seemed silly to think anything might be wrong when I didn't have so much as a shred of evidence to make me think it might be, and yet, there was still that uncomfortable knot of concern in my chest. And _why_?

We had an errand to run for Sanzo tomorrow, and Gojyo knew we'd be up early and that we'd have to travel all day. Even with Jeep, it was going to be a tiresome trip. Even if the mission was simple, there was no guarantee it wouldn't go sour and turn out to be dangerous. He knew all of those things, but I'd be foolish to expect him to come home at any sort of decent hour just because we had something to do tomorrow.

This was just so typical. It was so in character. This was the most normal thing he could possibly do. If ever he should come home at eight o'clock, perfectly sober, ready to go to sleep so that he could be at one-hundred percent the next day, _then_ I should worry. That would be the time to say 'you're evidently extremely ill, so you'd better stay in bed for a month'. No, no. This was how it was supposed to be.

The inexplicable worry wouldn't go away, so I was annoyed, annoyed enough that I decided I might as well stay up and gave him a piece of my mind when he came back. I sat and waited, stroking Jeep's head as he laid on my lap, but the hours dragged on, and I watched two am pass me by, and then three am as well. At four thirty, I told myself that the only thing to do was to make an effort to get up even earlier than usual—regardless of how exhausted I might be myself, after sitting up all night—and drag the ingrate out the door before he had even the remotest chance to sleep off tomorrow's inevitably brutal hangover. He deserved some sort of repercussion for this outrageous, inconsiderate stunt, and that was the best I could do.

Jeep had already fallen asleep on his pillow, and I was preparing to go to bed as well, when there came a knock on my door.

I paused and listened a moment, wondering if perhaps I'd locked the door by mistake and Gojyo had been out there a while now, too drunk to make his way in. It wouldn't be the first time that had happened.

The second knock was a bit more frantic, and the tight feeling in my stomach became more severe than ever. Who else would be pounding on my door at such a late hour?

I opened the door slowly, "Yes?"

A man was standing there; I'd met him a few times, but only briefly, and I knew very little about him. We'd been introduced once, on one of the rare nights that I'd gone out drinking with Gojyo, and I managed to recollect that his name was Bo Lien; he was a small, timid-looking man, a number of years older than I, and I remembered that he had a very telling habit when playing cards, which was why Gojyo was able to clean him out so often. Outside of that, their relationship, as I understood it, was that Lien was a somewhat pathetic, miserable man who hung around anyone more intelligent, witty and attractive than he was, in hopes of picking up whatever scraps they dropped, whether it be a free beer or the less appealing friend of the woman they were taking home for the night. Gojyo told me once that he let the man hang around because he had connections, and he was easy to take advantage of, but I thought it more likely that my room mate felt sorry for the wretch.

Tonight, Lien looked especially fearful, and he kept flicking his earring over and over, the exact same tic that tended to give away his intentions during a game of high-stakes poker.

"Can I help you?" I asked, trying to sound as pleasant as possible, although I'd been irritable enough before he turned up.

"Um, H-Hakkai?" He asked it as if he thought he'd forgotten my name and was afraid to make a mistake.

"Yes, Lien. To what do I owe this…" I stopped myself from saying disruption just in time. "Surprise." I certainly couldn't bring myself to say pleasure. "It's extremely late, you know."

"Um. Uh. H-Hakkai. You-you better come with me."

"Why?"

"You'll see."

"No, I will not 'see'. You'll tell me why, or I won't go."

He tugged at his earring miserably, "Because. Because, Gojyo-"

"What about him?" I tried to sound disinterested. "Whatever he sent you here for, you may as well go back and tell him he'd do much better to come home and see me face to face. Or is he afraid that I'm angry?"

Lien squeaked, "N-no. He-he didn't send me, Hakkai…Bao told me to…. Sorry to bother you! It's just that…Gojyo's…um…he's in a lot of trouble…"

"Trouble?" My annoyance didn't dissipate as quickly as it should have, I thought. Gojyo got into trouble from time to time, and to a man like Lien, any amount of trouble would likely seem like 'a lot'. "What kind of trouble?"

"I-I don't know. I just don't know. But, but Bao said I should come get you. It's bad. Hakkai. It's bad…"

He wouldn't give me any details on the spot, and he wouldn't go away without me, and frankly I couldn't bring myself to tell him to tell Gojyo to help himself and shut the door in his face, so I went with him. I would have liked to take Jeep, as that would have made the trip much faster, but I decided one of us deserved to get some rest before tomorrow's excursion, and left him alone. On the way, I asked repeatedly what it was that had happened, but Lien would only say 'it's bad, Hakkai. It's very bad.' Over and over. He said it so often, and with such urgency, that by the time we reached the town, I was actually beginning to feel a great sense of concern.

It wasn't Gojyo's favorite part of town. Lien led me directly uptown, where there were high-nosed, classy people Gojyo would have felt resentful of. I couldn't imagine him coming here for anything.

We hadn't gone very far before I could hear a good deal of commotion up ahead—shouting and screaming and cries of anger and fear—and then we rounded the corner, and I saw before me a large crowd, all forming a circle in the middle of the road. Most of them were the high-class people that usually occupied this part of the city, but I also saw a few men I knew, hanging around, ducking back and forth, talking to each other quickly, like they were nervous about something.

One saw me—a man named Rong, I think—and ran a few steps in my direction shouting, "Hey, it's Hakkai! Lien brought 'im back!"

"What in the world is happening?"

Another acquaintance of mine shoved through the crowd suddenly; he was a tall, rugged man who went by the name of Bao-zhi, though I'd been told that was not his real name. He looked calm and stoic, as usual, but there was something in his mannerisms that hinted at urgency.

"I-I got him, Bao." Lien said. "Was I fast enough?"

"I think so." Bao turned to me, "I can't believe Lien actually had the guts to go and get you."

"What on earth is the matter?"

"No one knows. He went totally crazy; we tried to calm him down, but he wouldn't listen; coupla' guys tried to step in, but he just…kicked their asses."

I glanced around, utterly bewildered by what he was telling me. Most of the people in the crowd hadn't even noticed I was there, but the handful of men I knew, most of them people Gojyo carried on with regularly, were all staring at me, watching me intently without saying a word.

"Are you talking about _Gojyo_?"

Bao-zhi didn't answer—he was a man of few words—but he swept his arm in the direction of the crowd, gesturing for me to have a look.

I moved closer, the tightness in my chest worse than ever as I listened to the angry shouts in the middle of the circle, and then, I stood up as tall as I could, looking over the shoulders of the people in front of me, nearly dropped my jaw at the sight that had captured everyone's attention.

Gojyo was in the middle of the circle. He looked rather tattered, with his jacket hanging off him, shirt stretched and ripped, his knuckles and face were bleeding, his hair was out of sorts, and there was blood streaked on his clothes. I could see from his mannerisms that he was intoxicated. A couple of men were lying on the ground, unconscious, and he was in the process of tearing into another. The unfortunate opponent was bigger than Gojyo—heavier that is—but he looked quite a big weaker. He was dressed in a suit that had likely been expensive, all torn and stained now, his gut was somewhat flabby, his skin pale, approximately twenty-five, with watery eyes and limp hair. Gojyo was beating the living daylights out of him, with ease, it seemed.

I watched, astounded, as Gojyo hauled back and struck the man across the jaw, knocking him in the dirt.

His opponent scrambled up with a scream of frustration, ran at Gojyo, trying to take him down, but he wasn't quick enough, or strong enough, and with a simple kick, Gojyo had him on the ground again.

A few men from the crowd tried to interfere. They broke away from the others, shouting angrily. One managed to grab Gojyo by the arm, but my room mate knocked him away like it was nothing, and then the others too, before going at his initial target again.

The man was still on the ground, blood streaming down his face, shielding his head feebly, and he'd begun to cry and beg in a manner so pathetic that even I couldn't make out the words; never-the-less, Gojyo wasn't backing off. He started kicking the man in the side and in the stomach, yelling obscenities at him in a hoarse voice.

"My God." I gaped.

"Hate to bother ya' with it." Bao-zhi added, taking a puff off a thick cigar, "We just thought…you might be the only one who can calm 'im down."

He didn't need to say anymore.

I stepped away, elbowing my way through the group, not even bothering to excuse myself, calling out, "Gojyo!"

He didn't seem to hear me over his own screaming. He was calling the man every profane insult he knew.

The object of his fury only wept and pleaded.

I felt as if it took years to get through the crowd, and when I arrived at the center of the circle, I wasn't even sure what I should do. Everyone was staring at me now, wondering who I was and what I was doing. I didn't even know what I was doing. Part of me felt angry. I wondered what in the world this pathetic man had done to Gojyo to drive him to such uncensored violence, and at the same time, I was truly afraid that there was no reason. The man didn't appear to be much of an instigator.

"Gojyo!"

He disregarded me, went on with the beating, "If you _ever_, fuckin' _look wrong_ at me again, you disgusting, dickless, fucking-"

"Gojyo!" I said more loudly, seized him by the arm, "Stop!"

He turned on me, like he expected another challenger, let the man slump to the ground, fist cocked back, his eyes wide and fiery and bloodshot. "Fuck!"

"Stop." I repeated, not sure what else to do. If he struck me, I might just knock him out and ask questions later. "What are you doing?"

Gojyo blinked, "H'kkai?"

"Yes, it's me. What on earth are you doing?"

He wrenched away, "Wha's it look like?"

I studied his face, noting that it looked as if _someone_ had gotten at least a couple punches in before he knocked their block off, but he looked angrier than hurt, and tonight, there was a sort of haze in his eyes. Something…severely out of place.

"It looks to me that you're bent on killing this man with your bare hands."

"Damn straight I'ma' kill 'i'm—this motherfucker-"

"Who is he? What has he done to deserve this brutal punishment?"

Gojyo laughed. It was startling and sickening, because it sounded wrong. Not his laugh at all—it was much too cruel and deranged, and the crowd around us murmured and whispered, some going so far as to cower away.

One man popped out from behind a few of the onlookers. He was a twig of a man, twice as timid-looking as Lien, dressed like a bartender, and shaking all over, "This maniac attacked my patrons for nothing! He's a lunatic!"

Snarling, Gojyo turned on him next, "Cram it, asswipe! This ain't got nothin' to do with ya', or your fuggin' bar!"

"You're a lunatic! Someone send for the authorities!"

"That's not necessary." I interrupted shortly, jerked Gojyo's arm to get his attention, and when he was facing me again, repeated, "Who in the world is this man, and what has he done to you?"

"He's…justa' pieca' shit… I dunno…"

I stared at him, "You mean to tell me you don't even know his name?"

"Who gives a flyin' fuck what his name is?"

"I should think that if you're going to take your anger out on those weaker than yourself, you ought to at least know who they are."

It didn't quite make sense, I suppose, but I needed some way to hold his attention, lest he should fly into a rage again.

"I dunno' who he is, an' I don't care! It don't matter!"

"Doesn't matter?" I sighed, looking down at the man in question, who was curled in the fetal position now, still crying. "Perhaps you'd like to explain yourself, sir. Sir?"

The man only whimpered. "I…I…no…No…"

"Explain _himself_?" Another man in a suit shouted at me, "There's nothing to explain! It's like the bartender said: your friend here went crazy and attacked us for nothing!"

That couldn't really be true.

I gave Gojyo another questioning look, but he wouldn't say anything. He tugged at his hair in a rather uncharacteristic manner, then kicked at the ground.

At last, I told him, "Gojyo, this is unacceptable. Don't you see what a commotion you've started?"

He didn't answer me, but he didn't look ashamed either.

"Can't you explain yourself? This is totally inappropriate."

Gojyo didn't look like he cared in the least; to me, his expression seemed bewildered and unnaturally distressed. It was a look that made me feel that the best thing to do would be to take him out of there at once.

"Come on." I urged, "Let's go."

He didn't move.

"Gojyo. Come along."

Reluctantly, he allowed me to escort him away from the man he'd been beating, who, even then, was crawling away, sniveling pitifully.

I pulled Gojyo through the crowd, people stepping back and jumping away like I had a live cobra in a box, and I could feel how badly he was staggering and stumbling, practically tripping over his own boots every step of the way. The sick, tight feeling was worse than ever now.

I paused beside Bao-zhi, said softly, "Excuse me, but if I may ask, how much has he had to drink tonight?"

"Bao-zhi seemed perplexed as well, "Don't know. He said he was goin' home about five hours ago, then, next thing we know, he's over here, raisin' hell. Still, when I saw him earlier tonight, he hadn't had very much to drink."

"I see." I frowned.

Once, before I knew him very well, I had imagined Gojyo to be a relatively violent drunk, but over time had learned that his immaturity and playfulness only increased the drunker he became. Naturally, he was subject to being provoked, and like most drunks, his judgment was badly impaired, but I still found it hard to believe he could cause such a scene, drunk or not. I had never seen him this way.

"Five hours ago, you say?"

"Yeah. He left the bar we were playing cards in around midnight, said he had to run home."

"How bizarre. Where on earth has he been for the last five hours?"

Bao-zhi shook his head and puffed his cigar, "'Fraid I can't say, Hakkai."

More importantly, who had he been drinking with? He wasn't the type to drink this much alone.

I turned very slowly to look at Gojyo, who seemed entirely distracted, staring glassy-eyed at the people, who were slowly beginning to disperse, swiping at his hair arbitrarily.

The others watched me, waiting patiently for some sort of verdict, but I didn't have one, so I simply said, "Well, thank-you for your time just the same."

"Not a problem. Hey, get him home to bed, huh?"

"I suppose that's what I was summoned for." I was beginning to feel irritated again, mostly because I couldn't so much as guess at what had taken place here, or in the five hours leading up to this moment.

Gojyo started raving as I shoved him forward, "I'll get you, ya' pansy-ass sonnova' bitch! I'll fuckin' show all you whores who not to mess with!"

"Try to compose yourself." I advised, not so much as smiling.

"Where're we goin'?" He demanded.

"I'm taking you home."

"Home? What? Why?"

"Well, it's quite late."

"Yeah. Yeah it's… What the fuck're you doin' here?"

"Gojyo…have you lost your mind? Didn't you see what you did back there?"

"Wasn't me. That fucker had it comin'."

"What did he do?"

"That fucker. Ah, shit. Fuck. Fuck! Can't believe this…"

His voice was so…odd. Still, he didn't seem especially drunk to me. No. It was something else that made his voice so strange. Something I couldn't place. It made my heart start racing, and I tightened my grip on his arm, as if he was going to float off into the sky. "Can't believe _what?_"

"All this. Shit. Fuck, I can't believe this's happenin'. Can't believe what we…did…"

"_Did_?"

"'Sall my fault. God, why didn't I try an' stoppit?"

"Stop _what_?" I was starting to feel considerably alarmed. "Who's 'we'? Gojyo?"

"Just don't get it. Why the fuck would he…?"

Those last words, ambiguous as they were, he practically moaned, and his voice sounded incredibly sad.

None of it was making sense, and there was a mounting hysteria in his tone.

"Fuck. Fuck. Hakkai. Goddammit, the kid!"

"Kid? For God's sake, Gojyo, can't you say something that makes _sense_?"

He stopped suddenly. "No… Hakkai… I…I can't believe this."

"Gojyo." I tried to push him forward, but he shoved me off, slumped to the ground suddenly, sitting on his knees with the hair hanging down and hiding his face.

"Are you hurt?"

"Nah…"

"What are you doing? It's five o'clock in the morning; let's go home."

"Can't. Don't want to. I just wanna'…sit here."

"Stop this! What is the matter with you?"

"Leme' alone, 'Kai. Just…leme' here."

"No, I will not _leave_ you here!"

"You don't get it. You don't get it, man."

"You're right, I don't. Now get up." I grabbed him under the arm again, jerking him to his feet, "Why can't you tell me what it is you're raving about? What in the world are you…_on_?"

I'd said it without exactly thinking about it, but as soon as the words were out, I felt that they were right. This was not the way normal Gojyo behaved, not drunk or otherwise. This was a side of him I'd never seen—frantic and disorganized and hysterical. My natural assumption was that he'd taken some sort of drug at some point in the last five hours, but that was concerning in and of itself, because I had never known my room mate to do any drugs. Not as long as I'd known him anyway.

"Why don'tcha' mind your own business?"

"My night was just thrown into a state of chaos thanks to you, so I think you owe me an explanation."

"Don't owe ya' shit, Hakkai."

It was his final word on the matter, and I decided not to press him about it anymore. He refused to speak the rest of the way home, and in a way, he was acting as if I weren't there at all. If I tried to touch him, he refused contact, and he went on muttering to himself, starting cigarettes but not smoking them, stumbling and rubbing his face. He wouldn't leave his hair alone, and when we'd been walking a while, he zipped his coat all the way up to his throat, even though it was a mild night, the temperature somewhere in the mid sixties. The more I watched him, the more concerned I felt.

Sober Gojyo wouldn't randomly attack someone he didn't even know. Not for nothing.

Drunk Gojyo _might_, if it were a matter of cards or a woman.

This was neither of those things. I felt as if I were seeing crazy Gojyo.

"How much did you have to drink?" I asked, as I led the way inside."

"I…don't remember." He laughed again, that same bizarre, freakish laugh I'd heard earlier.

I set to cleaning his knuckles, "A lot then?"

"I said I don't remember." He growled, pulling his hand away suddenly, "Can'tcha' find somebody else ta' place nurse to?"

"Like the man you beat to a bloody pulp, perhaps? Tell me again. _Why_ did you do that?"

Gojyo leaned in suddenly, wrapped his arm around my neck and dropped his head onto my shoulder.

Stunned, I sat still in the embrace. His moods were swinging out of control, it seemed.

"Thanks for savin' me, buddy."

"I didn't save you. I had to stop you from destroying the whole town."

"Right. Yeah. Damn… What a fucked up night. Just can't fuckin' believe it."

"You keep saying that." I directed him toward his room, asked, as I was pulling off his jacket, "Would you care to explain what it is you don't believe?"

Gojyo flopped face down on his bed. "Mmn. No."

"Here. Wait a moment. Sit up."

He muttered a few more curses as he turned over and sat up, but he didn't shove me away this time as I took a minute to look him over, making sure he wasn't injured. While I was feeling his ribs, he grabbed me around the neck again, just as suddenly as before, resting his head on top of my own.

A veil of crimson fell around my eyes, and I felt his breath, hot and unsteady, blowing through my hair.

When he spoke, the hair on the back of my neck stood on end, because his voice was silent as death, and twice as serious, flooded with emotions of tragedy, despair and guilt, uttering a terrible confession, not in such a manner that made it seem he was looking for forgiveness—in other words, not the typical 'I'm sorry I forgot to take the trash out for garbage day. My bad'—but searching desperately, and in all futility, for comfort, longing for me to say the words 'it's okay', even when he obviously knew I'd never be able to.

"We…did somethin' really bad, Hakkai…"

Gojyo

_What a fucked up night…_

Why? What did we do?

_I can't believe this is happening…_

What did we do?

_We did something really bad…_

What did _I_ do?

I stared at the white void in front of me. It seemed familiar somehow…like I'd fallen into it before, on a different, less fucked up day. Everything around me was warm and safe and dry, but there was this awful pounding inside my chest. I couldn't make it stop.

My head hurt worse than it ever had before in my whole life, and I couldn't make that stop either. My eyes burned. My stomach was tied in knots.

_Why am I so fucking cold?_

_Where am I?_

I slid my hand up over the sheets to the pillow under my head.

_My bed?_

How the…?

I couldn't remember coming home, but as I laid there, staring up at the strangely familiar, white void, I slowly realized it was my ceiling. I was in my room. The whole world was spinning so fast, I didn't dare lift my head or I'd be decapitated.

I closed my eyes again. They were dry, full of sand. _How did I get here?_

I couldn't remember. The pounding in my chest got even worse as I realized I didn't remember coming home. I didn't remember…anything.

When did I leave the bar last night? Bao-zhi said it was midnight. _I_ said it was midnight. I started to walk home. I started to go to the liquor store.

"Banri…" I gasped.

Right. I ran into Banri on my way to the store. What did he say to me? He said a lot of things. He convinced me to go have a drink with him. Just one.

I never should have done that.

That drink was a wall in my mind. What was beyond it? I could barely remember, and the images I got were hazy and shaky and unreal. Banri. Some of his friends. Laughing, and toasting and drinking. Then there was that rich asshole. I'd shown that guy not to wander onto the wrong side of the tracks. Hakkai showed up, I think. Was that how I got home?

_This is unacceptable…_

Yeah. I thought so too.

What was between that though? Between Banri and Hakkai…

Something awful.

Past the spinning, I saw something else. A splash of violence: blood, screaming, horrible laughter, murder, a flash of claws, and a kid's voice, somewhere in the middle of it all, crying.

_"…for later…"_

"Shit."

A kid. Crying. Why? What happened?

"I can't remember…"

There were voices beyond my room, murmuring to each other, saying things I couldn't hear or couldn't make sense of. Banri?

Banri doesn't live here anymore.

Then who…?

I made myself sit up, almost fell down again when I stood. I wanted to fall down. I wanted to go back to sleep, but I knew I shouldn't. If Banri was out there, I'd have to fight him. I'd have to kick his ass and make him regret what he did last night, whether I remembered it or not. Clenching my fists, I staggered to the door and threw it open, stormed down the hall. "Hey!"

I lurched to a stop. "Hey…"

Hakkai was sitting with Sanzo at our table, Jeep perched on his shoulder; Goku was going through the cupboards, eating whatever he wanted. They all stared at me. I hated having their eyes all over me. Judging me when it wasn't my fault, and I leaned against the wall. Shoulda' stayed in my room.

"Hey!" Goku called, "You feelin' better?"

"Good morning." Hakkai smiled at me.

Sanzo glared but didn't say anything.

"What's wrong with ya' anyway?" The kid asked, "Ya' look gross. I bet it's your stomach, huh? Did'ja' eat somethin' bad?"

Why? Why were they all here? Just in time to see me being absolutely pathetic. How dare they? What made them think they could just show up uninvited? Those assholes.

"Oy, Kappa." Sanzo turned around, "Get sick on your own time from now on."

_Sick?_

"It _is_ my time, asswipe. Besides, I'm not sick."

Goku looked up from whatever he was eating, "Yeah, but Hakkai said ya' don't feel good."

"_I _didn't say I don't feel good, did I, monkey?"

"No, but-"

"But you look like shit." Sanzo blew smoke in my direction, "What happened? You finally contracted an std."

"Er, Sanzo-" Hakkai began.

Too late.

"Gojyo, wait."

I was right in front of Sanzo now. I grabbed the front of his robe and dragged him to his feet, "You're so perfect, why don't you do your own dirty work for once? I got my own life, and it doesn't revolve around you and your stupid favors, so go fuck yourself."

"Your "life" is a pathetic waste. You're lucky I give you something meaningful to do with your time."

"Now, now, Sanzo. Please let me finish what I was saying-"

"You think so, _Master_ Sanzo?"

"I think you're a lowlife scumbag with nothing going on."

"Get the fuck outta' my house, Sanzo! Take your 'mission' and shove it up your ass—if you ever show up on my doorstep again, I'll fuckin' kill you!"

"Gojyo! Calm down."

"_You're_ gonna' kill _me_?" Sanzo laughed, "I think that's my line."

"Don't cross me, asshole. Not today."

Sanzo shoved me off. I stumbled back, grabbing the table to keep from falling, "Today. Tomorrow. Anywhere, any time you want, kappa. There's nothing I'd love more than to put a bullet between your eyes."

"So do it!" I shoved him back. I wanted to kill him. "C'mon, you sack of shit, priest! Here's your chance!"

"Don't tempt me."

"You talk so big, but I know you don't have the balls! You wouldn't shoot me if I begged you to!"

"Believe me, nothing would give me more pleasure than to rid the world of your disgusting carcass."

That did it. I wasn't in the mood. I wasn't in the state of mind. I didn't want to hear it, or anything else, not from him, not from anyone. I pushed him back again, "Bring it on then!" I tore the gun out of his robe, "Let's see how tough you are!"

"Gojyo!" Hakkai shouted.

I forced the gun into Sanzo's hand, "Here. Take it. Take it!" I jerked the barrel forward, setting it right against my own forehead. The steel was cold. The dark was inviting. Those bloody screams were still in my head.

_Can't even get some fucking peace and quiet._

Sanzo stared at me.

"Hey!" Goku yelled, "What're ya' doin', ya' crazy-ass kappa?"

"There, hotshot; even you can't miss me from this close, so go ahead! Pull the trigger! Prove you're not just talk!"

Nobody moved. My chest was aching from the pound of my heart. I stared into Sanzo's eyes, waiting, barely breathing. Maybe he'd do it. Maybe this would all end with the sound of a gunshot. I wondered how bad it would hurt.

_Not bad enough after last night._

No one said anything.

I tried not to fall apart, tried not to start shaking. There was nothing like feeling that gun against my skin, trying to bore a hole right through my head. It was horrible. It was terrifying. It was exciting.

Sanzo didn't pull the trigger.

I shoved the gun away, laughing at him, because I won. I was the victor this time. He was the loser. I was finally right about something—I was finally better. "That's what I thought, you gutless, little bitch."

"Don't give me that shit, Gojyo. I did you a favor."

"Don't you get it?" I spat, "I don't want any fucking favors from you—if you're gonna' show up at my door and have the balls to tell me I'm lucky you let me do your grunt work, I don't want anything from you. Now you can take your holier-than-thou ass and get the hell outta' my house!"

"You're completely out of control."

_Out of control. This whole situation is out of control. What happened last night was way, way out of control. I let it happen._

He should have just shot me. Why didn't he?

"Fuck you, Sanzo!" I gave him another vicious shove, then turned on Goku, "You. Get your filthy fuckin' hands offa' my food! Doesn't this dickweed ever feed you? That's not my problem! None of this shit is my problem! Don't come over here and go through my kitchen and eat all my food, you dumb shit!"

"I-I'm-"

"Shit!" This was too much. I jammed my fingers back through my hair, "Fuck. All. You people! You're always showing up here, tryin' to make your problems mine! 'I'm looking for Cho Gonou', 'I need you to do me a favor', 'I'm hungry, feed me'! Screw that! I got more important things to worry about!"

Like how I was going to fix all this. How I was going to fix what happened last night. No. I needed to start with figuring out _what _happened last night.

"Gojyo…" Goku whispered, "What th' heck's wrong with-"

"Me? You wanna' know what's wrong with _me_? Nothin's wrong with me: I'm sick to death of people showing up and telling me what to do and how to live my fuckin' life!"

"Yeah, but-"

I turned and kicked the table. It fell over easy, everything on it sliding to the ground and shattering in a storm of noise and glass. Goku dove out of the way, and Jeep fluttered away, shrieking.

But nothing! You guys make me sick! As if I don't have enough crap in my own life to deal with, here you come, judgin' me, telling me to get sick on my own fuckin' time? I'm not sick! I'm just so fucking tired of dealing with your bullshit over and over!"

"You're certainly not acting normal." Hakkai said.

"Don't get me started on you, Hakkai. You-"

"No. Don't get _me_ started on _you, _Gojyo. You have no right to be behaving this way."

"No right?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing, "No _right_? Leme' tell ya' something, buddy, I have every right to be pissed when this asshole thinks he can just stroll in here and tell me my life is a pathetic waste!"

"Yes, but your behavior is completely irrational."

"He's right." Sanzo agreed. "You're out of control."

"You don't like it, you can get the hell out! There's the door. Don't let it hit you in the ass on your way out!"

They stared at me a moment longer. I felt like I was going to go crazy from all the staring; Hakkai turned to Sanzo, "Perhaps it is best if you leave for now."

"What about my statue?"

"I promise you, we'll retrieve it just as soon as we can, but as I said earlier, today is not a good day for us." Hakkai smiled.

"Fine." Sanzo snorted, "Come see me when you get that freak a lobotomy."

I took a step toward him, "Freak, huh?"

"Gojyo." Hakkai grabbed my arm, "Please stay here while I show them to the door, and for heaven's sake, try to calm down."

Sanzo was already on his way out; Goku set his plate down and ran after him. Hakkai gave me a long look, and I knew he thought I was nuts. It gave me the strangest urge to apologize, but he just walked away, following the others outside and shutting the door behind him softly.

With a deep breath, I moved to the window, standing just out of sight, listening. My heart was going crazy, pounding so hard I thought it would pop out.

_Calm down…_

"What in the hell is wrong with that idiot, Hakkai?"

"I'm afraid I haven't quite deduced that yet."

"Well, you'd better hurry and deduce it. He's going crazy."

"I don't think that's quite it."

"Is that supposed to be a joke, Hakkai? When you told me he hasn't been feeling well you should have added that it was in the head."

My face burned. It was all I could do to keep from bursting outside and screaming at him some more. He had no idea.

"I apologize, Sanzo, but I didn't see how it was any of your business, and I didn't realize he was going to react that way. Now, I know you're upset about the statue, but I promise you, the situation is under control."

I wondered how true that was, stared down at my shaking hands.

"…We're going to go to the shrine just as soon as we possibly can; I'm sure you understand though, if we don't go today."

"That idiotic sonnova bitch-"

"Please." Hakkai's voice was a touch softer, "I don't think it's necessarily his fault, Sanzo."

_Hakkai…_

Sticking up for me, even when he had no way of knowing if he was right or not. My heart started to slow a little.

"Feh. The two of you are such a pain in the ass."

"Ah, I'm well aware. And you must be aware as well—after all, you're perfectly capable of recovering the statue by yourself."

"So are you, Hakkai."

"Yes, but I won't. And you won't. So we'll have to wait until he's up to it."

There was a long moment of silence, and I could almost feel the glare Sanzo was giving him as it burned through the door.

"Good afternoon, Sanzo."

"Fine. Goku—let's go."

More silence as Sanzo walked away, and then I heard Goku's voice, "Um. Is he gonna' be all right?"

"Yes, I'm sure he'll be fine."

"I've never seen Gojyo act like that…"

"No, neither have I."

"But…ya' can help him, right?"

"Of course, I'm going to do my best…. Run along with Sanzo now, Goku, and try not to worry. Everything is under control."

"M'kay. Bye, Hakkai."

"Goodbye."

I lit a cigarette.

After a couple minutes, Hakkai came back in.

I didn't look at him as he stood by the door, staring at me. No matter what he said to Sanzo, I knew he was pissed.

"Would you mind telling me what that was about?" He demanded.

"That guy rubs me the wrong way."

"I think it's a bit more serious than that, Gojyo."

"It's nothin', Hakkai."

"Nothing, nothing." He started pacing. That was never a good sign—I knew a lecture was coming. "Do you think I'm an idiot, Gojyo?"

"No. Of course not."

"You practically begged Sanzo to shoot you—you're just lucky he has as much discernment as he does."

Lucky. Yeah…

"I knew he wouldn't. That was the point." I added half-heartedly, "You worry too much."

"What about last night? I suppose you're going to tell me _that_ was nothing as well?"

Finally, I turned to him, noticing the heavy frown on his face and the dark seriousness in his eyes.

_Last night…_

Did I hit him? No, that would be ridiculous. What would I have hit Hakkai for? Why would I even think that I might have?

I glanced down at my busted knuckles on my right hand. The first two were scabbing over, the third one was skinned raw.

The rich guy… But why? I wished I could remember better.

There was still nothing past the violence and the screaming and the kid crying. I could almost make out a face now—a little girl, wailing and begging. I shuddered just thinking about what might have happened to her.

_If she's real at all._

"What happened last night?"

"I waited all day for you to wake up just so you could tell _me_."

If I could remember I'd tell him, but I couldn't, and I was afraid of what might have happened while I was blacked out drunk.

"Gojyo?" He sounded impatient. "What happened?"

"I…dunno'."

"You said you did something bad. No, you said _we_ did something bad. What did you do, and who did you do it with?"

"…I'm not sure."

He shook his head, practically spitting out of frustration. "Are you aware of just how crazy you're acting? If not, allow me to elucidate the situation for you: you are acting completely crazy, Gojyo. _Insane_. Bao-zhi told me you left the bar at midnight last night, he said you were going home, but no one knows where you went for five hours."

Five hours. Was that when I was with Banri? Was it really that long?

"You attacked a man uptown, someone you had no business fighting with in the first place, and no one knows _why_! I don't think even _you_ know why! You ranted and raved all the way home, you told me you did something really bad, but I couldn't drag it out of you _what_ it was! I suspect you don't know that either! Look at what you did today! Look at the kitchen, and the table; you broke your _ashtray_, for crying out loud! I can't help but think you honestly _wanted_ Sanzo to shoot you just now!"

It really did sound pretty nuts when he said it all together like that, but he knew as much as I did, so it wasn't helping me piece anything together. He was worried though, I got that much. Maybe he should be. I didn't really know.

His voice softened again, but it was still firm and expectant, "I demand to know why you're behaving this way."

"I don't know what to tell you, dude." I answered quietly.

"Don't you _dare_ give me that, Gojyo. Whatever happened last night, you know more about it than I do—you _must_—so tell me something. _Anything_. Give me a reason not to be worried out of my mind—just one-I implore you!"

I looked back at him, "Hey, calm down man. It's over now. It's gonna' be okay."

Hakkai shook his head stiffly, eyes burning, "I'm not so sure I can believe that, Gojyo. The way you acted last night, I doubt that this is something that can be swept under a rug that easily."

I lied, "I just don't think it's that big a deal."

"I don't believe you, but in case that _is_ your warped version of the truth, let me tell you something else, something I heard this morning."

"Great. Let's hear it."

His tone grew even more serious, "They're saying something happened last night, uptown. Two people were killed—two humans—the manner of their death hasn't been all the way disclosed, so I know little about it, but apparently it was brutal. Their daughter is now missing."

I turned back to the window.

_Daughter_?

_"…c'mon…Banri, don't…"_

I rubbed my head and took a long drag off my cigarette. What did that have to do with me? Could it be some kind of coincidence?

I could still hear a kid crying in my mind. Begging and crying, desperately.

How stupid would I be to think it had nothing to do with me?

_What about Banri? What's any of this have to do with Banri? What is he doing here?_

He never told me what he came back here for, at least, not that I remembered…

"Gojyo…" Hakkai stepped up beside me, giving me a long, hard look, "Where were you for five hours last night?"

I shrugged as nonchalantly as I could. "Can't tell you."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I don't know, Hakkai." I grabbed my coat off the back of the chair and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Just out."

"Are you sure you should? Do I have to remind you that you're acting crazy?"

"Don't worry, alright? I just gotta' clear my head."

He stood there staring at me, looking strangely helpless. "I can't stop you, can I?"

"I don't need you to stop me."

"Well, will you at least honor this one request and come home before dark?"

"We'll see."

"…I'm going to wait up for you."

"Yeah, yeah, if that's what you want."

"And don't be surprised if I come looking for you, because, for the record, I think this is a big deal. I think it's a very big deal."

I went outside and started walking. It was a nice, sunny day, but I felt like shit. The sun was too bright, the air tasted stale, and I felt like I was going to throw up, but I had to get away. I had to try to clear all the messy cobwebs out of my mind and figure out what the hell happened last night so that, hopefully, by the time I got home again, I'd have something to tell Hakkai.

_There's a kid out there somewhere._

And I didn't know anything about that kid. I couldn't remember what happened to her.

_She's still out there somewhere. In trouble._

Why did that bother me so much? I'd never hurt a kid, so whatever happened to her, it wasn't my fault. Even if I was really, really fucked up last night, I'd never hurt a kid.

_Bad shit's always happening to kids._ I ran a finger along the scars on my face._ Always_.

Just another horror story. I should go home and forget all about it.

I couldn't though, because I knew she was out there, and I knew she was in trouble, and I had something to do with it, and Banri was at the middle of everything.

_Two humans are dead, and a kid is missing._

I was connected somehow, and I couldn't just ignore that.

So let's figure it out then. What about last night? Well, for one thing, I couldn't remember a damn thing about last night, and _that_ was weird to me. I'd been blacked out drunk before, obviously, but it had been a long time since that happened, so what was the deal with last night? I didn't know how much I'd had to drink, I didn't even know how long I was drinking with Banri.

_One drink. That's all. It was only supposed to be one drink._

Somehow that one drink had gotten me four sheets to the wind. Worse. The way Hakkai was talking, I'd been fucked up five ways to Sunday.

_"…give me a reason not to be worried out of my mind…"_

_ Don't got one, pal. This is all out of control._

Like Sanzo said.

In the amount of time it had taken me to drink one beer, my whole life was suddenly out of control, and I was the only one who could get it back in order.

_She's in trouble, her parents are dead, and she needs my help. Why? Because it's my fault._

I stopped along the side of the road for a minute. I could almost see something. I tried to think about last night, but it was the same memory of carnage and screaming, and a little girl standing there, crying.

_"Banri! Don't!"_

What did that crazy bastard do? _Why?_ Even if I sorted out what happened, could I sort out why it happened?

_"…what's the matter? Her parents ignore her anyway…"_

Slowly, I started to walk again; my head wasn't getting any clearer from going off the scattered memories I had, so maybe if I went back and retraced my steps…

_Maybe if I went back in time I could stop everything before it even started._

Back to that one drink. If I got past that wall, I could see what was hiding behind it, and I could start unraveling the mystery of the five hours I'd lost.

I headed back into town, head still aching and spinning, feeling sicker and sicker every step of the way. Everyone was staring at me as I went by, even though I knew they couldn't have all been there last night when I kicked the shit out of that asshole. Did they hear about it? Could I be imaging that they were watching me? If my head didn't hurt so much, this wouldn't be so hard. Where was that place anyway?

On the outskirts of town somewhere. I wandered around until I found it.

No dice. The damn place was closed. I remembered vaguely that it hadn't been very inviting last night either, but now, the open sign was off, all the windows were dark, and when I tried the door, it was locked. I went back and forth between the windows, trying to stare in, but it didn't do me any good, and after a couple minutes, I walked away.

So much for that investigation.

I rubbed the bridge of my nose, trying to massage the migraine away. _Sorry kid._

No. No, I can't quit looking yet. There was a kid out there who needed my help, and there had to be something I could do. If I did this fast enough, I could get home in time to run Sanzo's stupid errand with Hakkai, then that asshole wouldn't be all pissed off with me.

_"…your life is a pathetic waste…"_

_ Yeah, yeah, what else is new?_

Focus, dumbass. No time to act pathetic.

Well, I couldn't remember where I went after I left the biggest dive in town, so I walked everywhere and asked all around, just hoping I'd run into someone who knew where Banri was.

I started at the market, but none of the vendors had seen him, they just wanted me to buy something, and most of the shop girls were too young to even know who Banri was, and I felt way too sick and confused to even flirt with them. The butcher and the baker remembered Banri from the days when we ran around together, 'attached at the hip', as the butcher put it.

_Were we that close?_

_ Yes, You were._

They hadn't seen him in years.

I asked around a little about the girl who had disappeared, but most people didn't know dick about it, other than the kid had been out on the town with her parents, they were all attacked, the parents were killed, and the girl was taken. Nobody saw who did it or how.

_This is such a huge waste of energy._

I went to every inn and motel and b&b I knew of, but Banri wasn't staying in any of them. I even walked uptown and glanced around there, but I wasn't there long because I hated that side of the tracks, and I knew Banri did too.

_ Ton might know something._

Ton, my doctor friend, had known Banri and me pretty well, and maybe, if Banri got hurt last night, attacking people or whatever, he'd gone to see him.

Ton was anything but a morning person. He wouldn't want to cooperate with me.

It took me a while to remember it wasn't morning, and by then I was on the wrong side of town for visiting Ton. I didn't feel like going back.

_Maybe I should—he could give me something for this goddamn headache._

A better bet would be to talk to some of the dickheads Banri used to sleaze around with, so I headed to the 'bad' part of town, looked them up one at a time, but that was a waste of energy too: some of them wouldn't answer their doors, a lot of them didn't know who I was talking about, or they were pretending they didn't, but most of them had moved or changed their name or just plain skipped town within the last few years. There were precious few of them who actually dragged their asses out of bed, squinted hatefully at the sun, and stood and smoked a cigarette with me while I asked them if they'd seen Banri lately.

None of them had.

Was I like those guys too once? Hung over every day, whore sleeping on my floor or wherever, house reeking like weed. _'My brain's so fulla' holes, I can't remember which asshole you're talkin' about'_

That's what I should have said to Sanzo when he came looking for 'Cho Gonou'.

_Am I still like that? I can't have changed _that_ much in just a few years._

Banri acted like I'd changed a lot.

_"Don't let him wear off on you."_

Too bad none of Hakkai's habits are wearing off on me—this wouldn't happen to him in a million years.

My lowlife scavenger hunt took a couple of hours, and then I hit the bars, figuring Banri had to go drinking at some point, and even if he didn't, someone somewhere had to know something.

The first bar I walked into was Banri's favorite. I saw a few guys there I knew, but I didn't feel like being social. I got to the point as quick as I could, played a hand of cards, had a drink, hoping it would fix my headache. It didn't though, and I left empty-handed.

From there, I visited all the skuzzy, shitty bars I figured Banri might go into, going from one to the next like it was Saturday night, but I didn't have any luck.

I was feeling sort of toasted by the time I walked into a bar I actually wanted to go into, and by then, it was just for the familiarity. The booze wasn't making my headache any better either.

Bao, Rong and Lien were there. I almost turned around and walked back out when I saw them, but they saw me first and motioned for me to come over.

Play it cool…

Cool as you can, at least.

"So." Bao-zhi took a drag off his cigar, spewing sweet-smelling smoke into the air, "You left early, you're back early."

It wasn't what he wanted to say to me, but I was glad to hear it anyway. I knew the three of them were there last night.

"Damn straight. I can't stick around long though. Hey, barkeep—the usual."

The bartender smirked at me. A second later, my drink was sliding at me.

I lit a cigarette to keep myself entertained, rubbed my forehead again. God _damn_ this headache.

"You in for some cards?" Rong asked. He and Lien were both just gaping at me.

"Later, maybe, Casanova. I'm busy."

All three of them went on staring at me.

"What's the deal?" I snapped, "I got two heads or somethin'? Keep your eyes to yourself."

Lien and Rong looked away quickly, but Bao-zhi kept his gaze leveled on me intently, "We allowed to ask what happened last night?"

Damn. There it was.

I shoved the hair out of my eyes, "Last night… I dunno' what to tell you, Bao. What do you know about last night?"

He shrugged. Bao was a real man's man, ex-mafia or something, so I doubted he actually cared about what happened to me last night. He spoke calmly, "You left here early. Then, when we were leaving the bar, we heard about you taking on a handful of some people on the east side and went to check it out. That's all I know."

But, it was a bigger deal than he made it sound like, because he sent Lien to go find Hakkai. He must have been pretty disturbed by my little fist fight.

I stared at my knuckles. _Maybe it wasn't so little._

"How many of 'em did I take out?"

"Twenty." Rong said.

Bao nudged him, "Shut the hell up, Rong. Five or six, I guess."

"I never said why?"

He shook his head.

Fuck. I was getting absolutely nowhere today, and my damn head was killing me.

"Hn. Anybody got some Tylenol?"

"No." Bao took a swig of his beer, "Most people don't bring Tylenol to the bar—you got a headache, you should go home and go to bed."

"Yeah, thanks, Jii-san. I'll keep that in mind."

I didn't really feeling like staying though, so I left a couple minutes later. I figured the day was pretty much wasted now, I'd spent way too much money on booze, and I didn't find any sign of Banri, and I might as well wander on home and see if Hakkai was still pissed at me.

We ain't getting that damn mission done today. The sun's already going down.

How stupid. I felt totally discouraged, a little angry, and completely mystified.

It's not like Banri to come into town without announcing himself somehow.

Why did he purposely come find me and disrupt my life like this? None of it made sense.

I might have to wait and see if he shows up again.

That sucked.

It was getting a little cooler out. I stuck my hands in my pocket, pulled the right one out again immediately, now holding a small, plastic, white bottle.

Painkillers?

That's what the label said anyway. I shook the bottle, and it sounded like there were a few in there still.

It wasn't really like me to carry around meds, but I couldn't say there was no way I'd have some, or that Hakkai—in his know-it-all wisdom—hadn't known I'd have a headache when I got up today and put them there for me, so I just felt stupid that I'd been walking around all day with a splitting headache when I'd had the remedy right in my coat.

I opened the bottle and popped a couple. "Idiot." There were another three left after that, so I'd save them for later.

Well, now what? Go home and forget it?

I didn't think I could forget that there was a kid out there who was in big trouble.

Yeah, but the authorities are gonna' look for her, right? Maybe I don't need to.

Still, if I was involved in whatever happened to her, I owed it to her to try and help.

If I'm involved, the authorities might just come looking for me instead.

Great, just what I needed. Would they believe me if I told them I honestly didn't remember a thing about that night?

Maybe this was Banri's ploy. Come into town without saying a word to anyone, stir up a bunch of trouble, then skip town and leave me behind to take the fall.

That seems really, really shitty. Even for Banri.

The guy had always been a lowlife asshole, but he had never gone out of his way to purposely get me in trouble.

Attached at the hip. That was us.

And once, not all that long ago, I guess, I had trusted Banri. He was my partner.

No way. I didn't believe he came to town for one night just to fuck me over and go have a laugh about it somewhere else. I didn't know what he was up to, and I didn't know why I couldn't find him, but I would. I'd fix this.

It was starting to get dark—I promised Hakkai I'd be back before nightfall.

Not promised, really.

I should still try though.

"Okay then, game plan."

Tonight, I would go home, have some dinner, hit the sack early, then, tomorrow, when my head felt better, and everything was more normal, we'd go get Sanzo's stupid figurine, or whatever, and when that was done with, I'd keep looking for the kid. Not the best plan ever, but hey, it was better than nothing.

Unless it's not a good plan at all. Who's to say that little girl is going to last two days?

_One day._

_Okay, one day. Even then. I'm pushing it not finding her tonight, I really fucked up not finding her today. Day after tomorrow might be too late._

Yeah, and when she turned up dead, who was going to get fingered for killing her? The damn fallguy, that's who.

I can't believe Banri would actually do that.

_What are you talking about, stupid? He did it before._

_So what should I do? Keep looking? Look all night?_

_Where should I look?_

Hakkai might have a good idea. If I went and told him the whole story, we could figure this out together. And then maybe he wouldn't be so worried.

_Sure, whatever. Hakkai's always worried._

I laughed out loud.

I might as well give up on trying to keep Hakkai from worrying. He was always going to worry.

_There's no help for it. That's what he'd say._

Oh well. I should do this without him. It was no big deal—I'd figure this out. There was no reason I shouldn't be able to. I'd been through enough crap, and I was one bad dude. I'd figure out where the kid was, and I'd put Banri in his place.

"I'll make 'im sorry he messed with Gojyo. Boom!"

I looked down at my hands. They were feeling sort of numb. Guess it was just cold out here, 'cause other than that, I felt pretty damn good. Hell, life was good. Everything was good. My problems didn't matter—they'd be dealt with later—right now, I just felt totally great. I wanted to laugh and laugh. I wanted to run through town laughing and screaming all for the hell of it, because no one could stop me.

_No one can stop me._

_Hey…what if Banri's following me?_ Yeah. That asshole might be trying to sneak up on me.

I glanced over my shoulder, but it looked like I was alone.

Looked like it.

"I know you're there, asshole! Come on out so I can beat the living shit outta' ya'!" I spun around, lost my footing and stumbled against the wall, laughing even more. "Wassamatter? You scared? Should be!"

Someone on my left. I turned again, grabbing onto the wall for support. "Who's that? Peng, ya' jackass! I ain't scared of _you_ either! I'm not scared of any of you! I'll rip ya' apart, Banri!"

The alley was empty. It looked empty anyway.

"You pussies!" I kicked the trashcan over and it flew down the alley, bouncing and crashing against the wall, clattering like thunder. I didn't so much as feel it.

Laughing, I leaned back again, barely feeling the rough stone of the wall under my skin, "Man, what's goin' on with _you_, Goj?"

This's weird. Really, really weird. I looked at my hands again, but they might as well have not been there. I couldn't feel shit.

Casually, I took the blunt of my cigarette out of my mouth, grinding the still-lit end into my wrist, putting it out. There was some smoke, and it left a small, round mark, but it didn't hurt.

With a shout, I turned and punched the wall as hard as I could.

That didn't hurt either.

Laughing hysterically, I collapsed back the other direction, stumbling and holding my guts. This was just too great. This might as well be the best day ever. I couldn't feel a damn thing, and I felt amazing. I lit another cigarette, holding the flame of my lighter under my hand for a second, reveling in the fact that I couldn't feel a damn thing, and then I kept walking.

How awesome. This was all too good to be true. I hummed to myself, waved at the people who passed me. "What's up there, man? Have a good night! I know _I'm _gonna'."

They gave me weird looks, but that was just because they were jealous.

I walked and walked. Banri was still behind me, somewhere, but I didn't give a shit. I checked back for him a couple times, but he was really good at staying out of sight, and I never saw him. "I know you're there, dickhead!"

He never answered either.

Hey, maybe none of this is real in the first place. What if this's a dream?

Weird thoughts. Weird thoughts. Could be though. It didn't feel quite…real…I mean, it felt great, but it felt… vague.

_Vague's a pretty fancy word for Gojyo…_

Not that I really felt like Gojyo right then.

Why's that?

I watched myself turn down another alley, swaggering and smoking and whistling.

He walked and walked. He didn't even know where he was going, and it didn't matter. It was just a damn good night to be out walking and breathing the clear air and smoking. He didn't care about his room mate being pissed—why should he? If that guy tried anything, he'd put him in his place, just like he was going to put Banri in his place. Right now, walking was good.

He jumped at walls and sprang over obstacles, shadowboxed and kicked over trashcans and milk crates and any other garbage that happened to be in his way. Invulnerable and powerful and quick as any full-blooded youkai.

The sun set after a while, and then it was dark, the lights of the town came on, but he didn't care. He could go get a drink now, stagger to his favorite bar, grab a beer with his buddies, but what for? Why ruin such a great night with any drama or pointless small talk.

_What I really wanna' do, is go smash the shit outta' somethin'._

He put his fist through the next window he passed, and the glass shattered all around him, blood splashed up his wrist and over his knuckles, but it didn't hurt. He broke the next window he saw too. And the one after that. He looked at his hand, more interested than bothered. Blood the color of his hair, flowing over his skin and dripping off his fingers. It was…cool. Maybe it wouldn't be cool if it hurt, but it didn't. Nothing did. Nothing mattered. Not a damn thing.

He took a couple unsteady steps, had to concentrate to keep from falling down, and everything was funny all over again. And then nothing was funny. Either way, he couldn't stop laughing.

People passing by stared at him, but he just laughed at them too, and then they went on, pretending they hadn't seen him at all.

_How funny._

Every sight and sound was absolutely hilarious, and out of nowhere, the thought came, _I gotta' get Hakkai to do this with me. We'd have a friggin' blast._

Then he stopped. He scraped his hand through his hair, smearing blood on his forehead. _Do what? What the fuck'm I…on?_

This wasn't normal.

Footsteps.

He tensed his body. Somebody was sneaking up on him, and he had his shakujou out—it felt so good holding that thing, all cold and steely in his hand, and it was so much like being home, safe and comfortable. Nothing could hurt him.

He spun around to slice whoever it was in two.

Banri was right there. "Geez man, how many'd you take?" He blew smoke in his face.

He laughed. He coughed. He was laughing and coughing until he couldn't breathe, "Dude! Wha' th' hell _is_ this?"

"Well, I wouldn't wanna' ruin the surprise, now would I?" He put his arm around his neck, and that was familiar too.

They walked like that. He was tripping and stumbling with every step, but it was such a great night, he didn't care. And this was just the beginning—it felt like old times again, back when Banri was the closest thing he had to a friend, when all his ideas were good, when it didn't matter because life didn't mean much anyway.

Life still doesn't mean much.

Everything is simple.

"Hey, last night…wha' the' hell'd we do?"

Banri looked at him with a smile, "What're you talking about?"

"That kid…those people. What happened?"

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

He didn't answer. He studied Banri, trying to figure out if he was serious.

_This is so unreal._

_Am I really watching this happen?_

_ I think I've had that thought before…_

"Don't you remember?" Banri prompted.

That bothered him. "No…"

"Huhn. So the real question is, what the hell did_ you_ do, huh, Goj?"

The hammering in his heart was back. He slid his hand up his chest, dripping his own blood on his own shirt. "I…You mean _I_ did it? By myself?"

"You can't remember. So I guess you'll never know."

Anger.

"Why can't ya' just tell me, asshole?"

He took his arm away, and then the night was cold.

They had come to a stop without his realizing it, and when he looked around, he didn't recognize where he was—everything was blurry and the earth was spinning so fast, he thought he'd fall over.

Banri stood back and smiled, still smoking, but the cigarette wasn't getting shorter. "Like I said—wouldn't wanna' ruin the surprise."

"What surprise?"

"Everything's a surprise, buddy. You'll see."

"I don' wanna'…" His words were slurring. He tried to speak more clearly, "I don't want to find out later. I don't want a surprise."

Banri was far away suddenly, a hazy, shimmering figure in the distance that he could barely make out the shape of against the light of a street lamp, and when he talked, it sounded like he was under water.

"You want to find her, don't you? Are you going to look forever?"

"If I hafta'."

"It'll be too late, you know. You're too much of a fuck up to help anybody."

He was drifting away, getting smaller and smaller.

"Wait, Banri!" He ran after him, a pathetic, shambling, limping stumble. "Banri! Get your fuckin' ass back here!"

Too late. Banri rounded a corner, and then he was gone, but he kept running and screaming, not caring, tearing past people, knocking them over. It didn't matter. He had to catch that dick. He had to beat it out of him. _Wanted_ to beat it out of him.

_No. I wanna' _kill_ him._

_ I have to make this stop._

_ Where am I?_

He'd come so far now, down to a part of town he didn't go to much, and it was dark and lonesome, the lights dim and flickering. He saw that he was standing in a dead end, and that freaked him out; he backed away, checking back and forth, looking for Banri. Looking for anyone.

He realized it was raining. When did that start? It was coming down hard, and his hair and clothes were already wet.

"C'mon." He snorted. "I'll kill all ya'. I can't even feel _pain_ anymore."

Someone behind him.

He whirled around with a snarl, dripping hair flying across his face.

_How long's it been?_

The sky above was midnight dark.

_For all I know, I've been in the rain for hours and hours._

Home… that sounded good right about now.

_I gotta' get home._

When he was home, Hakkai could make dinner, and he'd tell him about Banri and tell him the whole fucked up story, because he didn't want to do this by himself anymore. He wanted his partner to help him out. He needed his cool judgment and sense to help him figure this out.

_Or maybe I just need him to tell me it's time to call it quits._

He started walking again, ready to head home, stopped…

Someone was standing in front of him…watching.

He almost snapped, 'what're you lookin' at, asshole?', but looked again and saw who it was…

My eyes almost fell out of my head, my jaw dropped open, hanging there, and I felt even colder. The world was a dream: the rain, the wind, the lightning. None of it mattered. Not like the figure in front of me mattered. I felt my heart stop beating, barely managed to choke, "N-no way."

Jien was in front of me, just standing there, smiling that familiar smile I'd never been able to make sense of, and he looked exactly the way I remembered him from ten years ago. His hair was sopping wet, and water was streaming down his face, just like the tears that had fallen the day he killed Mom, but to me it looked like he hadn't aged a day, and call me crazy, but he was even wearing the same outfit I'd last seen him in.

It seemed like we stood there forever, and I stared, and he smiled, and the rain came down even harder before he finally broke the silence, "What the hell's your problem, tiny?"

"J-Jien…" I staggered toward him, "Is that seriously you?"

"Of course it is. Who else would it be?"

A ray of hope came over me. Jien could help me find the kid. Jien could do anything. He'd always been good at everything. When we were kids, he never had trouble finding me, whether we were playing hide and seek or I was trying to run away from home. No matter how much I didn't want him to find me, he always could. He always showed up when I needed him to.

I tripped, found myself on my hands and knees in the mud, just an arm's reach away from my brother. My brother who I hadn't seen in ten years.

Suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"Jien…" I panted. "Jien, you…you gotta' help me."

"Ah, don't tell me you're in trouble again, Goj."

"Nope." I grinned up at him. "I'm great."

"That's good to hear."

"You gotta' help me though. It's Banri… God, he's so fucked up, it's unbelievable. He kidnapped this kid—this little girl, Jien—it's just…so messed up. I don't know why it matters, but I can't let him. I gotta' stop him. _We_ gotta' stop him."

Jien went right on smiling, "What should I help for?"

"Jien." I gaped at him, "C'mon, man, you can't be serious. Don't you know what they'll do to her?"

"No. Do you?"

"That's not... No. Guess not. But. It's just-"

"Goj, I already helped you, remember? Ten years ago? You owe me your whole life."

"Yeah, I know, but this isn't for me, Jien. This is about a kid—a helpless girl."

"Not my problem."

"Don't be like that." I felt everything breaking down. If I couldn't get Jien to help me, even when I'd always counted on him before, who in the world was going to listen to me? Who was going to care? I had to make him listen to me. I had to make him get it. "Please, Jien. I'm-I'm begging. Ya' gotta' help me; I swear it'll be the last thing I ever ask ya t' do, but this is important. Please?"

Jien laughed, his smile seeming ferocious and angry, "Y'know what? You got a new brother now, right?"

"What? What're you talkin' about?"

"Don't deny it, I've seen how it is. You have a new brother, so get _him_ to help you."

"Jien!" I reached for him.

He was just gone, like flicking off a light. My bleeding hands grasped at nothing, and for a second I stared at the place where he'd stood in the road, and then the reality hit me, and I was alone again.

I felt so hopeless and lost and full of despair, I could hardly take it.

_A new brother?_

What was he talking about? I didn't even have the _old_ brother anymore.

_Right. I don't have any brothers._

_I don't have anything._

Unsteadily, I got to my feet, scraping soggy hair out of my eyes, even more exhausted than before.

_ What's the point, Gojyo?_

I looked at my hands again, saw how badly they were bleeding, and felt cold. I picked up a long shard of glass that was lying by my feet. It was as long as a knife, and just as sharp.

Arbitrarily, I drew a deep line across the underside of my wrist, watching as even more blood poured off my arm. I made another one, this time along the top of my arm. I still didn't feel anything.

I sliced and sliced and sliced until both arms were bleeding, but I couldn't make myself feel _anything._

_Maybe it's time to quit._

_ Yeah, that's it. Quit. Just quit everything. You've been trying for way too long…and I'm so fucking tired._

I stared at the bleeding slash marks on my arms, but they didn't hurt. I almost wanted them to.

_If this doesn't hurt, what else won't I feel?_

I could jump off a building, I could put a noose around my neck, I could drink poison, I could put a bullet through my head, I could cut my whole arm off, my whole _head_ off, and I wouldn't even know I was dying.

_What's the tallest building in town?_ I started walking again, slicing my palm open on the glass shard.

_Wonder if Sanzo would notice if I took his gun._

_ Maybe we have some shit at home I can just OD on._

And then what? Nothing would ever be resolved.

"This shit…" I said to myself. "This shit is really fuckin' with me… What the fuck _is_ this shit?"

Dangerous. That's what.

Where did it come from?

_Dumb question._ A slow smile came across my lips.

Banri. That asshole.

"Fuck!" I shouted suddenly, throwing the shard down, and it shattered at my feet, "This isn't my fault! I didn't do nothin'! I'm fuckin' sick of takin' the fall for shit I didn't do!"

So I was going to fix this. No one was going to help me track down Banri—I had to do it by myself.

_What else is new?_

I walked faster, running a little.

Some idiot wandered into my way, and I almost ran into him.

"Hey! Watch it, man!"

"Shut the fuck up!" I knocked him down. I kicked him viciously in the chest. I kept going. I had more important things to worry about.

_Jien wouldn't help me, Hakkai's not gonna' help me…so it's just me._

But I was enough, wasn't I? I'd always been enough in the past. I'd find Banri, and I'd kill him.

_Now. Tonight. There's no point in waiting._

I'd tear this town apart. I'd fuck everything I came across up, I'd kill Banri, I'd kill anyone who got in my way, and I'd destroy everything. If the night ended with me dead, so be it, but before I breathed my last, I was going to find that fucker Banri and make him pay, and I was going to save the girl, and I was going to rage across this place and make sure they never forgot that I was here once.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello everyone. ^^-  
>Sorry for the long wait—I must admit, I've been insecure about this one ever since I first started working on it; still, part one was well-received, so I really don't have a good excuse for procrastinating on this.<strong>

**A couple of things.**

**I thought it was interesting that most of you tried to guess what sort of drugs he's on in your review. I didn't really expect that. Anyway, all things are revealed in the conclusion.  
>Also, I remember there was some question from at least one reader, regarding how Gojyo comes to have his shakujou in this fic, seeing how he hasn't had it in any previous missions. For anyone who doesn't know where Gojyo got the shakujou, I urge you to take a look at the Saiyuki reload manga—therein lies your answer. As to why he has it here and now in my fic, the answer is simple: this takes place after he acquires it. <strong>

**Happy reading, now.**

**-Zaney**

Regression

Pt. 2

_It's cold, it's dark, and they're chasing me; I can't see their faces, but I know what they want, so I have to run. If I were bigger—older—stronger, like Jien, this wouldn't be happening. If Jien were here, this wouldn't be happening. But he's not, and I'm not, so I'm running. When they catch me…it'll be worse than dying._

_ I wish I were dead right now._

_ It's dark—I can hardly see what's ahead of me, the sparse, dim street lights aren't enough, the shadows themselves look like they've come to life to grab me, and behind me I hear them, shouting and laughing and telling me what they're going to do. They're getting closer. Closer and closer._

_ "Quit runnin', why don'cha', kid? This'll go so much easier on you if you just surrender!"_

_ Darkness. More shadows. Suddenly, there's a wall in front of me. I stop, looking frantically for some way to escape, but the wall is tall and solid, no way around it or over it. Breathing hard, I turn to face them._

_ There are too many of them. Even if I were older it might not matter. Even if Jien were here, he might not be enough._

_ Fuck them. If I could, I'd kick the living shit out of every one of them._

_ They sneer and laugh at me, make fun of 'the little red-headed bitch', and they're taking their time closing in; they know I can't get away._

_ The cuts on my face are itching and aching. I wonder if they're infected. It was just a couple days ago, but I haven't really washed them or anything. I wonder if they're going to leave scars._

_ Suddenly, she's standing there with them, and she has the axe, but she's not crying this time, she's laughing along with them, making fun of me for being young and helpless. Fucking bitch._

_ I reach into my pocket and feel the knife I took from Jien's room. For some reason, I'm really wishing he had given it to me. He showed me a few techniques with a knife, but I don't think it will be enough right now._

_ The guy in front is getting really close now. In a couple more steps, he'll be just within arms reach, and as I'm staring at him, he turns into Banri, grinning viciously, "Give it up, Goj. There's nowhere left to run."_

_ Fuck you, Banri. I snarl, but my voice sounds so weak it makes me feel sick._

_ "You got really close." He's right in front of me now, towering over me, his voice glossy, teeth shining when he smiles. I know it's going to hurt. I remember how much it hurts…. "It doesn't matter now though—you're too late."_

_ I tighten my grip on the knife, it's cold, but it gives me courage; if I can cut into him, even once, I'll know that I won._

_ That's good enough for me._

_ They reach for me all at once, harsh hands grabbing my arms and hair and clothes, and the darkness swells in until I can't see at all._

I jolted awake, strangling a scream, my shakujou already in hand. I'd never woken up holding that before; I guess that dream—that _memory_—still really freaked me out, even as an adult.

For a second, I lay there, breathing really hard, trying to figure out where I was. Nothing was familiar. The lamp next to the bed was on, but the rest of the room was dark. I didn't recognize the book shelf against the far wall, or the dresser next to it. I didn't even recognize the bed I was lying in. It was clean and warm, but it wasn't my bed. It wasn't familiar…

_Wait…yeah. It's…_

"But why?" I looked at the clock. Three in the morning.

So was all of that a dream? I couldn't remember coming home.

Stiffly, I sat up. Oh my God, everything hurt. _Everything_. Shards of pain were running up my arms and my chest, pounding in violent flashes of red-orange through my head. I looked down to see that my wrists and my hands had been bandaged.

_Not a dream. Holy fucking shit, that was not a dream._

Frantically, I tore at the bandages on my left arm, unwinding them as quickly as I could, panting, listening to the now-familiar sound of my heart going wild in my chest. I was afraid to see what was under those bandages. I was afraid of what it all meant.

I threw the last of the gauze off and stared at my arm.

"No way…"

The slashes were jagged and long, stitched up with thick, black sutures.

That was real. My hair was still damp from the rain. My fist was swollen. I felt like total shit. I remembered the way I'd wandered around—possibly for hours and hours—completely disconnected from my own consciousness and reality, purposely abusing myself and everything I came across.

"God."

How in the hell was I going to explain this to…

The door swung open, quietly, and Hakkai stepped in, stopped when he saw that I was awake, and stood there looking at me.

I couldn't look back at him. I hid my wrist back under the blanket, even though he'd _obviously_ seen what I'd done. Shit, I couldn't believe how mortified and weak and apprehensive I felt. I never wanted to see him again, just so I could avoid the conversation we were about to have.

"Good morning." He said lowly.

"Is it morning?"

"Technically."

I nodded, still not looking at him.

"How do you feel?"

"I'm okay."

"_Okay_? Gojyo-"

I cut him off, glancing around, "What am I doing in _your_ room?"

Hakkai hesitated, "Do you remember anything about what you did?"

"…Some of it."

"You trashed your room. That's the short version."

"I…did what?"

"You ripped everything in there apart, the bed included. I had no choice but to make you sleep in here."

I had the vaguest memory of that…of throwing my shit around and knocking things over and slicing through my own mattress with the shakujou. I also remembered rough-housing with Hakkai a little.

Finally, I looked up at him, saw that his face had a couple bruises on it.

"Shit. I hit you huh?" I hit him, and then he let me sleep my trip off in his bed. That made me the biggest asshole in the world.

"You hit a lot of people."

"I did? Like who?"

"Me, Ton, strangers. Yourself."

"Eh? Ton was here?"

"Who did you think stitched your arms up? Me? I'm afraid I was too busy pinning you down."

I could almost remember that too, kicking and screaming and making death threats.

"What else happened last night? I just came home and-"

"Came _home_?" He sounded almost outraged. Offended. "No, you did not _come home_. I had to go out and find you—you were running around acting crazy, screaming at people and breaking things—it's lucky for you I came when I did. It's all I could do to get you to come home, and then getting in touch with Ton _and_ making sure you didn't tear the house down, or kill me, or _yourself _for that matter was a nightmare. You have no idea how unbelievably hysterical you were."

"Shit." I flopped back down. "Shit…I… I'm so sorry, Hakkai, I-"

"I don't want your insignificant, little apology." He snapped. "You scared the living hell out of me, all I want is to know what's the matter with you?"

"I don't know."

"Have you lost your mind? You said you were going out to clear your head; you said you'd come back by nightfall. Why did you come back, not only after nightfall, but also in such a psychotic state of mind? Is that what clearing your head means to you?"

"I'm sorry, okay. I'm sorry. I know that's not what you wanna' hear, but it's the only thing I can think to say. You've got every right to be mad as hell at me."

He paused a while, looking troubled, and then answered with a silent honesty I hadn't expected. "I'm not angry. I'm scared."

Scared? Nothing scared Hakkai. I couldn't quite believe that was the emotion I was hearing in his voice. I looked up at him again, "Ah, c'mon, man, you don't need ta' be scared. I-"

"I don't know what's happening to you." He answered, desperately. "You won't tell me what's wrong—you won't tell me anything—three days ago everything was fine. _You_ were fine, and now…"

Three days ago? "What day _is_ it?"

"It's Wednesday. That hardly matters though…"

Had it really been that long? I ran into Banri for the first time on Sunday night. Shit. Half the week was gone. "What happened to Tuesday?"

"Aren't you listening to me?" He sighed in frustration, "You slept through Tuesday, Gojyo. We didn't know what you were going to do when you woke up, so Ton sedated you."

I didn't care about that. Three days had passed, and that kid was still out there. I didn't know how long they were going to keep her alive, or even what they wanted her for, but I was running out of time. "Fuck." I threw the blankets off, got up feeling stiff and miserable and a little bit sick.

Hakkai's eyes got wide immediately, and he finally moved toward me, grabbing my shoulders, "Wait a minute. Gojyo, just wait. What are you doing now? I think you should lie back down."

"I don't have time." I pushed him away, as gently as I could, because I really felt like a huge dick for punching him in the face, looked around for a shirt to wear before remembering I wasn't in my room. "I have to go."

"Go? No." He sounded firm and almost angry again—scared, I guess—he grabbed my arm, "That's the worst idea you've ever had. You're not going anywhere, not until you tell me what's going on."

"Cut it out, Hakkai. I don't have time for this." I pulled loose and went across the hall to my room. It really was trashed. The bed was flipped over, the stuffing had been torn out of the mattress, the pillow had been shredded. My shelf, my chest of drawers, my table, had all been smashed and knocked over, my magazines were everywhere, some of them ripped apart, there was broken glass and I saw that someone had covered the window with plastic to keep the wind out. The curtains were falling, one side of the rod still attached to the wall, the other hanging off limply.

"Hell..." I stood in the doorway, staring at it all a moment.

"Now you see why we had to sedate you. And you're absolutely not leaving this house until we're sure that this won't happen again."

I ignored him. My clothes had been thrown all across the room. I picked through them a minute until I found a shirt. I was still wearing my jeans—they were dirty and blood-stained and ripped, but I didn't care. I grabbed my boots too, started putting them on next, while Hakkai stood over me, nagging away.

"You may as well not even bother with that. I'm telling you now that you're not leaving this house—I won't even let you near the door, do you understand? Frankly, knocking some sense into you might ease my nerves at this point, so don't think I won't punch your lights out if you so much as try to leave."

"Dammit, Hakkai, would'ja' calm down?" I finished lacing up my boots.

He was standing in my way, looking even angrier, "No! Are you completely unaware of the situation? What kind of person would I be if I let you go after what happened?"

"I dunno', I just can't stand you nagging me right now. My head's friggin' killing me."

"Oh, I wonder why _that_ is? Perhaps you should just go back to bed."

"Look man." I stood up suddenly.

Hakkai flinched back. It was the weirdest thing I'd ever seen him do—backing away from _me_, like I was gonna' attack—I must have been totally psycho the other night.

"Chill out." I put my hands up. "Just listen to me a sec."

"No, _you_ listen, Gojyo. I don't know what's going on with you, but until I do, I'm not about to let you go wandering around anymore, why is that so hard to understand?"

"It's not, but-"

"Then you may as well forget it. I'm not letting my suicidal room mate just waltz out of the house without so much as a decent explanation."

I sighed, "I'm not suicidal, Hakkai."

"How do _you_ explain that?" He pointed at my wrists.

I looked down at my arms a while, "It didn't hurt…I guess I was just…dunno'… Alright, look, I took some pills."

"Pills? What pills?"

"Found 'em in my coat pocket. I had a headache and I thought it was Tylenol or something. I'm an idiot. Okay? It wasn't Tylenol, it was goddamn PCP or some shit."

"Well, that's no great discovery. I knew the night you got in a fight uptown that you were on drugs."

"Yeah, but I'm not doing drugs on purpose."

Hakkai laughed, but it sounded strained, "You're not digging yourself out very well, and you're still not leaving."

"I'm not _lying_, dude. I swear to God."

"Fine, where are these pills now?"

"In my coat."

"You weren't wearing a coat."

"Don't start fucking with me. I was wearing a coat—remember, I took it right off that goddamn chair over there—you watched me put it on!"

"Be that as it may, you weren't wearing a coat when I found you last night."

"Really?"

"Really. Why would I lie? I'd love to see these pills of yours."

"But…what the hell happened to my coat?"

"I have no idea. I don't care where it went. The coat is missing, the pills may or may not be in it—you may or may not have willingly taken PCP—and none of it matters, because you're not going anywhere."

"Hey, Mom." I snapped. "I didn't take any drugs on purpose. I don't know what happened Sunday night, but I don't remember taking any damn drugs, and the Angel dust, if that's what it was, was in a fucking painkiller bottle."

"Well, phencyclidine _is_ a painkiller, oh, enlightened one."

"Okay, now you're just being an asshole."

"I'm just trying to help you!" He practically screamed. "Watching you stumble around, smashing everything in your path and raving like a lunatic about _nothing_ was one of the worst things I've ever been forced to endure! I'd rather-"

"Stop yelling at me. My fucking head _hurts_, Hakkai."

"Excuse me for not feeling sorry for you." He retorted, but he did lower his voice.

"I don't need you to feel sorry for me, I gotta' tell you somethin', and I just want you to listen for a sec!"

"I'd say it's about time you told me _something_; you have my undivided attention, though for your sake, I hope whatever you say next is more plausible than the things you've told me so far."

I ignored his scathing tone, "On Sunday night I ran into Banri."

Hakkai's jaw dropped, "_Banri_? You mean to say this all has something to do with Banri?"

"I think so, yeah."

"You've been doing drugs with Banri."

I was starting to lose my temper. "No! Not on purpose anyway. I ran into him on Sunday night, he said he wanted to buy me a drink, so I went with him. I don't know what happened after that—the next thing I remember after that is you dragging me home from a fist fight. I don't know what started the fight. I don't know anything. I just know I saw Banri—drank with Banri—and maybe some drugs slipped in there without my realizing it or whatever."

"I see." He said carefully, hesitated a moment to think it over. "Gojyo, it's been almost three years since Banri was in this town. I'm not saying he'd never come back here, but under the circumstances, I've always thought that would be terribly unlikely."

"What circumstances?"

"You _know_ which circumstances, Gojyo. Don't you suppose even Banri would be somewhat hesitant to see you again after doing something so underhanded."

"Maybe." I had thought about that, and I still hadn't figured out what he was here for. "It doesn't matter though, because he did come back, and he purposely looked me up."

Hakkai nodded, looking more understanding than ever, and his voice had completely changed, "Of course. So then, after the two of you finished drinking on Sunday, what happened?"

"I…still don't remember all the way."

"Yes, I see." He said again, taking a casual seat on the couch. He was acting calmer now, but I didn't like the tone he was using. It seemed a little patronizing. "Well, if you have indeed been taking drugs for the last few days, that explains the way you've been acting. If not, I have several ideas on the matter."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Are you really sure you saw Banri, Gojyo, or do you just _think_ you saw Banri?"

"What? Of course I saw him, Hakkai!" Maybe I should have been angry, but I was just tired now, and I got where he was coming from, so I tried not to flip out on him, "I'm not hallucinating."

That was sort of a lie. Obviously I'd been hallucinating the other night, seeing Jien, maybe seeing Banri hadn't been real either, but I remembered Sunday well enough to believe what I'd seen and done that night was real.

_Either way, I'm seeing things. That freaks the hell out of me._

Hakkai nodded, then said, "I'm just trying to help."

I almost told him I didn't need his help, but I knew that wasn't true. It would be nice if he helped me, even though it wasn't quite a need. I was just used to having him around, knowing I could rely on the guy. Still, I wasn't sure I wanted him all involved in my problems.

I ran my hand through my hair, feeling how greasy and dirty it was. "I know you are. Look, don't worry about it, all right? I'm gonna' figure this out."

"I can't help worrying about it. Believe me, if I could simply cease worrying about _you_, I would."

"Right. I know."

"Whatever the cause of all this is, I find your actions to be extremely unhealthy."

"It's just that I'm-"

"When was the last time you ate? When was the last time you went to bed not completely intoxicated? When was the last time you changed your shirt?"

I pulled on my clean shirt, "Just now."

"Gojyo."

"I don't know, okay."

"I know you don't."

"None of that shit…matters right now." I suddenly realized that I needed a cigarette really bad.

"Trust me, it still matters, you're simply ignoring the fact." He stood up, "Well, this conversation has been very helpful."

"It has? How?"

"I've decided once and for all that I'm not letting you go anywhere."

"I wasn't finished, Hakkai."

He raised an eyebrow at me, giving me a bewildered look, "Excuse me?"

"I can't just sit here and hope this thing blows over, because the night I ran into Banri, we did something. I can't exactly remember what it was, but I think those humans that are dead, and that girl that's missing…I think we had something to do with it. _I_ have something to do with it."

"The two of you _murdered_ two perfectly innocent people and kidnapped a little girl?" His voice was more shocked than bothered. I guess murder didn't faze him much.

"I don't know. I know they're dead and she's gone. I think she's still alive…I just don't know how much longer she will be."

_Banri sneered, "Just a little somethin' for later, Goj."_

_ 'You're gonna' _eat_ her?"_

I shuddered as I remembered the smile on his face and the blood on his claws. What the hell? What was that about?

"I have to find her, no matter what happens. You can try to make me stay here if you want, but I'm not going to, because she's out there somewhere, and she needs me."

Hakkai studied me a while. "You're positive about all this? You honestly believe that the dead humans and the missing girl are connected to you and Banri somehow?"

"Yeah."

"And you refuse to consider the possibility that maybe, just _maybe_, you're making this all up in your head? That maybe you never saw Banri, and maybe what happened to those people has nothing to do with you?"

"No way."

"What about _this _then." He took a moment, like he was trying to decide how to say whatever it was he had to say, and I waited impatiently. "Forgive me if this is indelicate, but as best I can tell, you've been wandering around town, fighting with people and destroying public property and hurting yourself. I hate to think about it, but what if this isn't about drugs or Banri. What if you've just…"

"What, sprang off the deep end? Godammit, Hakkai, quit being such an asshole! Does it seem like I'm nuts?"

"At this particular moment? No. The other night though-"

I raked all the hair away from my face, combing my fingers through it and letting it fall freely around my face again, "Fine. You know what, I'm not getting anywhere with this. You don't have to believe what I'm telling you, if you want, but I know the truth, and if I hang around here and argue with you all day, I'll never find that kid. So I'm leaving now."

I headed for the door.

"If you try and stop me, I'll kick your ass."

"Gojyo, wait. I listened to you, now do me the courtesy of listening to me. Please."

"I get it. You think I'm totally crazy. You're wrong though." I think he was wrong. I was pretty sure anyway. He could be right. As long as I didn't have the pills, I had no proof that I'd been on any drugs yesterday. I had no proof that I hadn't just been hallucinating, and that was really scary. What was worse though, was that maybe, if Banri wasn't in town, I'd done all that shit by myself, and it was my fault those people were dead.

"Please." He repeated, so I was quiet as he went on. "Now, I know I could be wrong. And so could you. We just don't know."

"That's why I gotta' go look for Banri."

"I agree. If we find Banri it proves that I'm wrong. If we don't… Never the less, I don't think now is the time. I suggest we go in the morning. That only makes sense."

"We don't have time to wait around for morning."

He gave me a sharp look, "If you don't want me to think you've lost your mind, I suggest you start acting with a little more discretion, and running out to look for Banri at three thirty in the morning is absurd."

"You're really starting to annoy me."

"Ah. Well, I'm sorry to say, that's the least of my concerns at the moment."

I stared back at him for a moment, "C'mon, Hakkai…you don't actually think I'm crazy, right?"

"I…" He lingered a while too before murmuring, "I don't exactly know what to think, but I intend to figure this out and take whatever means are necessary to fix the problem, I assure you. For some reason or other, you're completely out of control, and it doesn't matter why, really. All that matters is that someone with a bit of discretion should be making the decisions at this point."

I wasn't sure I could argue my way out of that, partly because it seemed like it was true, so I said, "Fine. I'll do it your way—wait for morning, or whatever, but-"

"_We'll_ do it my way. There's no way you're looking for Banri without me."

"Great, Hakkai, guess what? I don't want to look for him without you."

He gave me another surprised look, "No?"

"You shittin' me? I keep getting drugged and shit. Apparently I need somebody watching my back."

_What did Banri tell me when we met? 'Pick a partner you can count on, and then trust him…'_

At some time, I had believed in that, and once, that partner had been Banri. I guess I still believed in that, but I knew better than to think Banri was on my side these days.

"I want you to go with me, dude… Being fucked up without you totally sucks."

Hakkai smiled slightly, "There you see? Now that made sense. There could be some hope for you after all."

"I hope so, man. I really, fucking hope so."

Hakkai

I kept an eye on him as we walked—of course, I was keeping a look out for Banri, just in case we _did _come across him—but I was careful to always keep an eye on my room mate. Today he seemed normal, not like the maniac who'd screamed at Sanzo two days ago. He was walking steadily, if not a little quickly, and he appeared to be alert and relatively calm, in spite of the fact that he was constantly jerking his head around, looking at everything and everyone we passed intently. Sleeping for approximately twenty-four hours had done him some good. At any rate, he certainly acted like he was honestly looking for something—he really believed we were going to find Banri, or perhaps a kidnapped girl.

It wasn't impossible, but I just wasn't entirely convinced, so I came for one reason, and one reason alone, and that was because, whatever happened, whether he was on drugs or something else was wrong, I was going to be there to deal with it. I had no idea if he was aware of the fact that I was watching him so closely, but regardless, he didn't seem to care.

I took a glance at his bare arms, frowning to myself as I considered what he'd done, and then kicked myself for letting any of this happen. I wasn't sure what I could have done to prevent it, but I should have done _something_. My room mate should not have been out in the rain, slicing his own arms open and burning himself. This made me the worst room mate and friend possible.

All day yesterday, and the day before, I'd lied to myself, trying to convince my own mind that there was no need to worry, that he was just…acting out, as silly as that sounded, or that it was a one time thing, but after the ordeal I'd went through just to keep him from doing anything he'd truly regret, I started to see that it was just a lie I had to tell myself in order to keep calm.

I'd sat with him while he slept straight through yesterday, paying close attention to see if I couldn't find some evidence in the scattered words he'd mumbled in his sleep that perhaps there was _some_ reason I should be worried after all, and still my greatest fear had been that even after being unconscious so long, he was going to wake up the same way he'd gone to bed: utterly hysterical and inconsolable. I remembered the way he looked at me that night, like he had no idea who I was, and it made me cold to my core.

With any luck, this really did have something to do with Banri, and in fact, that would probably be the best case scenario, but I had to be prepared for the worst. I had to be ready to deal with it if it turned out Banri wasn't in this town, and hadn't been for three years.

It was early morning, just before nine, and the town was still warming up for the day, people coming out of their houses, vendors calling out more loudly, school children running toward the school house. Everyone was filing into the street, heading for the market, or the square or to work, and all seemed peaceful enough, but I stayed right beside my room mate just in case, while he stopped here and there, asking anyone he thought might have some idea concerning Banri's whereabouts, but it wasn't taking me long to see that no one had seen Banri in years.

I thought that, at least if we _did_ find Banri, I would have someone to punish for what had happened.

"Bear in mind, Sanzo is still waiting for his relic." I said, as casually as possible.

"I know."

What I didn't say was that we weren't doing anything for Sanzo until I knew Gojyo was okay—in this condition, he'd only be a danger to me, and to himself.

"How long do you estimate this endeavor will take?"

"I have no idea." He paused to stare hard down an alleyway.

"Ah. Well, do you have some sort of plan for how we can go about locating Banri?"

Gojyo raised his eyebrow at me, "This…is it."

"Asking everyone in town if they've seen him or not? I should have known."

"It's the only thing I can think of, man. I figure, he couldn't have come here without somebody seeing him—an innkeeper or a prostitute or something—so eventually, we'll run into someone who can help us."

Unless, I thought to myself, Banri really wasn't here, and then we were looking through a haystack that didn't have a needle in it to begin with. Had he considered that?

That wasn't something I could tell him twice in one day. It had been hard enough to say out loud earlier this morning, and I wasn't sure I could bear to utter it again. Still, not finding Banri was one thing, and searching the whole town without finding anyone who'd so much as seen Banri was something else. If we didn't find anyone, I could only assume Gojyo was hallucinating, perhaps having some sort of delusion.

I studied him out of the corner of my eye. He was acting normal now, I reminded myself, but I still couldn't help worrying that my room mate might be really sick, and that made me all the more determined to get to the bottom of this puzzle.

"Perhaps we'll find your jacket out here—you look quite out of place, not having it."

He rubbed the bandages on his forearm, and I knew he understood what I meant. I'd re-wrapped his left arm after convincing him to go looking for Banri when the sun had risen, but it was a gruesome task. I could barely stand to look at the incisions he'd carved into himself, and he wouldn't look at me either. After that, he'd ignored all my suggestions and firm orders to go back to bed until it was time to go out and search, had sat up smoking and looking disinterestedly at magazines he'd read a dozen times already. Eventually, much to my relief, he'd fallen asleep on the couch, and I'd taken the opportunity to get a little sleep myself, but it hadn't been restful, and having barely slept at all yesterday, I was tired now.

"I frickin' hope so. That was my favorite jacket."

If we found it, I'd finally be able to either confirm or deny that he'd been on drugs during the last two incidents. Drugs would explain so many things that I couldn't find answers to otherwise—like what he'd done to his arm—but I was terrified by the idea that everything he'd done had just been a byproduct of his own disturbed psyche. After all, I'd never seen Gojyo do drugs before.

I recalled what Dr. Ton had said to me.

Ton was one of the few men in this town I'd met more than just a handful of times and had extensive communications with. I'd seen him dozens and dozens of times since the night Gojyo found me in the rain, not only when he came to check on me in the weeks following my injury, but also whenever Gojyo and I returned from a mission and there was some sort of wound we couldn't fix by ourselves. He was someone I trusted, and, moreover, he was someone Gojyo had trusted for years. Perhaps he was the only person in the whole town both of us trusted completely, because he'd never so much as tried to cheat us. Half the time, he didn't even charge us. In the early days, that had made me suspicious, but I'd learned the truth behind his actions soon enough.

He'd known Gojyo a long time now, ever since he'd come to this town about five years ago, and he'd stitched him up more times than I could count, or so he'd told me. He'd also told me that Gojyo was one of the few people he actually liked his this whole 'filthy, shitty, backwater town', and that he'd just leave if he didn't have to 'keep an eye on that damn idiot'. I suppose it was a reasonable sentiment for someone Ton's age to develop back when Gojyo was nothing but a cocky teenager.

_Don't ever tell 'im I give a shit._ Ton had instructed me once. _It's not his business._

I'd never said a word, and I doubted Gojyo had any idea to this day.

The other night, after Ton had sedated my room mate and packed up to go home, he'd told me something important.

_"If he is on drugs, I doubt it's because of any emotional reason. I know him well enough to have seen that he's been happier in the last two years than he ever was before, and_

_the only person I've ever noticed to have enough influence over Gojyo to get him to do something might not actually want to do is you."_

_ "That's ridiculous. I can hardly get him to pick up his own garbage."_

Ton had smiled knowingly, _"I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to you, but Gojyo treats you with more respect than he does anyone else, and I know he looks up to you."_

_ "Still, I didn't get him to take any drugs, so how do you think this happened?"_

_ "Well." _He'd stroked his chin, _"The only person who's ever been successful at getting Gojyo to do anything detrimental to himself was Banri."_

Of course, the implications of that answer became clear enough when Gojyo told me he'd seen Banri in person, so it was a possibility we didn't dare overlook.

In real time, I asked Gojyo, "Do you really think Banri would come back here after what happened last time?"

He took his time answering me, and I knew he didn't like the question. "Maybe. If he wanted something. Otherwise, it doesn't make any sense."

"What could he possibly want?"

He shrugged, and that didn't help ease my fears at all.

"He's here, Hakkai." He said, like he'd read my mind. "Believe me."

"I…don't _not_ believe you."

Gojyo scowled at me, then paused to have a word with someone trashy, someone who looked like they probably knew Banri.

In the end, the man shook his head, like all the others, and he even laughed a little, like the question was absurd. "You getting lonely, little Gojyo? That bastard's never coming back."

"Like I'd want him to." Gojyo snarled, shoved past, and kept walking.

I followed, wondering if Gojyo ever missed Banri. In the days that followed Banri leaving him behind, he hadn't seemed especially affected or bothered, but I had always wondered. It had seemed like they were close.

Almost without considering it, I asked, "Do you want Banri to be back?"

"What?" He gave me a wide-eyed look.

"You heard me."

"Hell, I don't know. I think I'm doing cool without him."

"That isn't what I asked you though."

Gojyo just snorted, "All I want is to find him and kick his ass."

"Because of the girl?"

"Why else?"

"I would like to find him as well."

"Because of the girl?"

"Not necessarily."

Gojyo started to say something back to me.

Down the road ahead of us, a group of men came around the corner. The one out in front spotted us and shouted, "Hey!" Then they all ran at us.

I watched them warily. I didn't know them personally, and they looked a bit too clean-cut to be friends of Gojyo's, all wearing collared shirts and khaki slacks, with trim, stylish hair and expensive shoes. Still, they seemed familiar. They stopped right in front of us, just a couple feet away.

The man in front continued shouting. "It's about time! We've been looking for you everywhere, you bastard."

Gojyo looked at first like he was going to walk right through them, and then hesitated, "Wait. Me?"

"Yeah. You." The man jabbed his finger in Gojyo's chest. "Don't play dumb."

"Buddy, I don't even know you."

"You kicked the living shit out of our friend the other night. That ring a bell?"

Gojyo still didn't seem to be taking this seriously, "Oh. Right. Well, you guys shouldn'ta' been on my side of the tracks, I guess."

"We were all _uptown, _you stupid crack whore!"

Gojyo paused again, and then looked back at me.

"That's true." I confirmed lowly.

"Oh. Guess that…sorta' changes things."

"It does." I turned to the others, "Excuse me, but could you possibly give us a few details as to what occurred in order to launch said confrontation to begin with?"

"You kidding me?" The first man scoffed. "You want _details_? You were there, you saw what this asshole did!"

For the first time, I recognized him as the man who'd spoken up the night of the altercation, informing me that his friend had nothing to explain. "Yes, well, I wasn't there _before_ that."

"It's like I said the other night. Your friend attacked us for nothing! We were just walking down the street, minding our own business, when he came out of nowhere, raving and talking shit!"

I exchanged looks with Gojyo.

He shrugged and turned back around. "In that case, sorry. Hope your pal's doing okay." With that, he started to step past them.

One of them shoved him back again, "You don't get it, do you, asshole? You're in big trouble—you picked a fight with the wrong guys."

Gojyo rubbed his chest, but he sounded only slightly irritated, "I didn't pick any fight; it was just a misunderstanding."

I thought he was behaving rather passively, given the circumstances. Normally Gojyo was all too ready to fight at the drop of a hat, and it bothered me that he wasn't acting that way now.

"Misunderstanding, my ass! He's been in the hospital ever since then! You call that a misunderstanding? Guess what, jack-off? Your little misunderstanding was a _big_ mistake. We might not be tough, but we got something you don't have—money—and we're gonna' hire the baddest, meanest fucks on this side of the mountain and send them after you until you're too nervous to take a piss by yourself at night. Eventually, one of them will get you. How's _that_ for picking a fight?"

Gojyo didn't answer him. Instead, he half-turned to me again, expression slightly nervous, although I knew he wasn't even remotely worried about the man's threat.

Viciously, the man grabbed Gojyo by the front of the shirt, jerked him forward, "You listening, ass wipe? You think you're so tough, but what the fuck are you gonna' do? We can pay off every judge and cop in this town. We can pay off the damn _executioner_ if we want to. You don't have a _prayer._ A dirt-poor, little punk ass like you? There won't be a damn thing you can do about it, and the best part is—no one'll even give a shit."

He went on with extensive threat list, painting a vivid picture of helplessness for Gojyo, jerking him around by the shirt, and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why Gojyo wasn't reacting. He wasn't so much as yelling back at the man, which was completely out of character, though, he didn't look scared in any way.

The longer I watched though, and the more I listened, the angrier I felt. The circumstances were distressing enough, and I was functioning on just a few hours of sleep, and the events of the other night were still so fresh in my mind that, at the moment even the slightest threat to my room mate was enraging. I think if a fly had flown at his face, I would have crushed it. After just a few moments, I'd heard all I could stand to hear.

"…you know what happens to guys like _you_ in prison, you skinny, little bitch? You get your ass-"

I grabbed the wrist connected to the offending hand, gave it a sharp twist, and pushed the man away, "Pardon my interruption, but may I suggest you take your empty threats and leave us alone so we can get on with our lives?"

The man glared at me, "This has nothing to do with you, guy. So back off."

"Oh, is that what you think? Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it has quite a bit to do with me, because if you're going to start something with him, you can rest assured that I will be involved, and that doesn't bode well for you lifespan."

He laughed, "What the hell is this? I'm actually supposed to be afraid of _you_?"

The anger and the darkness in my heart must have overwhelmed my expression, and as I glared at him, fear filled his face, and he went so far as to take a step back from me.

"Feel free to find out for yourself." I said darkly, "And don't expect me to go easy on you because you're a human—I will make you sorry you so much as rumpled his shirt."

All three of them stared back at me, looking more and more terrified by the second, and I didn't know if it was just the look on my face or the sound of my voice or just the unbiased danger in my words, but whatever it was, I knew I could say 'boo' to them, and they'd all run like children.

"Go now. And if you do try to exact any revenge, you'd better make sure I never find out you were the ones behind it."

Grumbling to his friends, the man began to make his way down the road again, bumping Gojyo with his shoulder as he passed him, "Watch your back, red."

"_You_ watch yours." Gojyo called back. It was the first even mildly aggressive thing he'd said since they'd confronted us.

When they'd rounded the corner, I asked, "Were you _waiting_ for me to step in?"

He looked nonchalantly at me, lighting a cigarette, "Nah, I just figured I'd let the guy finish."

"How unlike you…" I tried not to sound bothered, but I was disturbed by how unusual his behavior was. I thought that perhaps the reason I'd gotten angry over the event in the first place was because of how frustrated I was to see Gojyo acting so strangely, and because of how honestly afraid I was for his sanity. I took a deep breath, lightening my tone back to compassion and concern. "How do you feel?"

"Fine."

We continued walking, and he didn't say anything else to me for a long time, even when I directly questioned him. I didn't know if he was angry or just focused.

Our search seemed relentless. We walked all day, and I felt as if we visited every hole-in-the-wall bar, every scum-bottom inn, every whore house, and every lowlife criminal in town. No one knew a thing about Banri being back. The longer we went, the more Gojyo's silence unnerved me.

Eventually, I broke the silence, "You understand that I have to be realistic about this don't you? Consider my situation and tell me, what else am I supposed to do? After all, at this point, I would be overwhelmed with relief if I found out you did everything you did under the influence of some drug or other, and if that's not absurd, I don't know what is."

"I'm not pissed—I get it—I'm just trying to figure this out. I wish I had something to go off of. A starting place. I feel like we're not getting anywhere, and the less we get somewhere, the more you think I'm crazy."

I sighed, "Why do you have to think about it that way? Can't you just appreciate that I'm concerned for you and leave it at that?"

"And if it turns out I'm crazy? Then what?"

What indeed? I hadn't thought about that, because I couldn't bring myself to, but, I assumed this town had an asylum, like any civilized town should, or some sort of anti-psychotic could be supplied. I didn't like any of that, and suddenly I wanted more than ever to be jumping to conclusions, just assuming Gojyo was losing his grip on reality. If only drugs weren't the alternate answer, and not finding Banri made it even worse.

At last, I said quietly, "Obviously, if that's the case, I …I would look after you."

He went back to not saying anything, unappreciative of my distress, as usual, and I was silent too, pondering my answer, knowing full-well that I might not be able to look after him, if it turned out I was correct.

We searched for the rest of the day, breaking several times to eat, or just to rest, but we always went right back to searching, and by the time the sun was setting, I felt as if we'd turned the whole town upside down. We'd been to every corner of this town and talked to dozens and dozens of people, always getting nowhere, and the question mounted in my head, after some time. _How could someone come back to a town as small as this one, with as many friends and connections and enemies, as Banri had, and not leave some sort of verbal trail?_

I decided it wasn't possible.

Gojyo must have been having the same thoughts, because as time went by, he moved with more urgency, walking faster, smoking more, becoming more irritated with the people we encountered, and he even snapped at me a couple times, once when I asked if he was okay, and once when I suggested we take a break.

The sun was burning red in the west now, and we hadn't found so much as a sign of Banri, when Gojyo stopped in front of a rundown building on the outskirts of town. It was locked up, dark and silent, and falling apart, from the look of things.

"What's this place?"

"This is where Banri and me had a few drinks. It's the last place I remember seeing him."

"I see." Incredulously, I stared at it, "It looks as if it hasn't functioned in years."

"Well, this's where we were."

Without a word, I went to inspect the building, peering through the windows and pulling at the boards nailed over them, pacing up and down the front of the structure, and then all the way around it, searching for an alternate way in.

At last, I kicked the door in. Normally, I like to be a bit more delicate about breaking and entering, but this was a little too important, and I doubted there would be anyone inside to say anything about it or that anyone would report it.

For a while, I stood in the doorway, allowing my eyes to adjust to the light, and Gojyo stood just behind me. We stared inside. The place was dark, dank and a little moldy, with only a few measly chairs and tables that had been left behind. Behind the bar, I saw a meager line of bottles and glasses, but they were also covered in dust, cobwebs stretching across them. All in all, it was the least promising thing I'd seen all day.

Leaning slightly against the doorway, I said quietly, "No one's been here in a long time."

"_I_ was here Sunday night. Me and a dozen other fucks."

I kept silent a moment. I didn't know what to do. He meant to keep looking until he collapsed from discouragement, I was sure, and that meant it was my task to make the call.

"Gojyo…"

"I know what you're gonna' say, so don't bother."

I felt as if I were backed against a wall, and when I looked at him, I knew he felt the exact same way.

"It's getting late. We haven't found so much as one clue as to Banri's whereabouts. What do you expect me to do? Let you go on with this farce for the rest of your life?"

"He's here somewhere, Hakkai."

"Where then? I haven't seen any sign of him today—no one even thought they might have seen him. The only person in this whole town who _thinks_ he saw Banri, is you."

"I don't _think_ I saw him. I know I did. I had a freaking drink with him!"

I waited a moment longer, "Will you just consider that perhaps you're wrong?"

"No. Never. I'm not crazy, man. I know I saw Banri."

"If you had any sort of proof-"

"I don't need any proof!" He was practically screaming at me, "You should just believe me, Hakkai! I can't believe you think I'm crazy—I've never acted crazy before, so why the hell do you think I'd lose it over night like this?"

"You're right. You've never struck me as being disturbed in the past, but I can't disregard the possibility. It _is_ possible, isn't it?" I locked gazes with him. "That maybe it's all finally caught up with you?"

He opened his mouth to yell something else, but stopped himself, cut in with a husky, "_What_?"

"You went through some very traumatic experiences as a child." I was practically whispering, and I knew how easy it would be to destroy every last shred of friendship between us if I said the wrong thing. Even if I said the right thing, I could destroy it.

I could see that he was furious at the suggestion, as I'd known he would be, but also, he had no idea how to handle that fury, or how to react to what I'd said. He stammered, "S-so. So what? You think I flipped my shit? Fuck. That was ten years ago, Hakkai! I can't believe you're even bringing it up!"

Given the circumstances, I had no choice but to persist.

"It's been scientifically proven that severe trauma can cause emotional and even mental instability, particularly when it takes place at a young age. It could be that you never fully dealt with the emotional ramifications of that day, seeing how you were forced to leave the scene rather quickly."

Gojyo stepped well within my personal space, standing face to face with me, and growled, "I _dealt_ with it, Hakkai. Every day for years, I dealt with that shit. Don't fucking try to tell me I didn't."

I kept my cautious tone. "I'm sure you did, partially. But if we look at the facts in more detail, the reality is that you had to leave your hometown—run away, essentially—and from there, you took up the least responsible lifestyle you could find, hiding from your very adult circumstances by-"

He shoved me back against the wall, hard enough to knock the wind out of me. He probably would have hit me if his fists weren't damaged from punching glass and bricks all night. "_You're_ the one who lets his past fuck with is emotions, not me, so don't stand there and give me your amateur psychoanalysis with all the bullshit you learned in psychology 101 in fucking _college_."

I caught my breath and dusted myself off, but I was careful not to raise my voice. "Don't talk to me like that. I'm just working with what I've seen and heard, considering every option, because I actually care what happens to you."

"You care huh? Then leave my past out of this and stop judging me!"

I sighed, "I'm not trying to judge you, and I apologize for seeming insensitive, but I'm telling you the truth, and the truth can be painful."

"I didn't run away." He snapped, "I left, yeah. What was I supposed to do? Live in an empty house with the corpse that tried to kill me? Don't you think I've thought about all this before? Don't you think I had the chance to let it mess me up?"

"I don't know." I admitted. "I suppose I tend to assume that you don't really… It's just an assumption, all in all. Not necessarily a correct one, I know."

"I _did_ think about it all. I_ have_ dealt with it. I coulda' let that shit fuck me up really bad, Hakkai, but I didn't. You can say I ignored it or that I acted like a kid and pretended it didn't happen, but guess what? I _was_ a fucking kid. And in the end, I turned out okay."

"All I'm saying is that if you internalized it—"

"I didn't!"

"Okay." I put my hands up and took a step back from him. "I'm sorry."

"I'm doing _wonderful_ for somebody who got so fuckin' chewed, alright? Fucking wonderful!"

"I know. I know, Gojyo. I know. Please calm down, all right? I'm not trying to insult you."

"Well you did."

It was blunter than I expected, and I wasn't sure how to go past that point. For the longest time, I was quiet, and suddenly I felt naïve and stupid and even a little immature. Who did I think I was? He was right—I was just regurgitating what little psychology I'd learned in school.

"I'm really sorry." I told him softly. "I…I have no idea what I'm talking about. It's just that I'm worried about you."

He glared at me hatefully for a few moments. I thought he'd probably never forgive me for this. Eventually, he turned away.

I waited an appropriate amount of time before attempting to move on, "In any case, we've pursued this possibility as far as we can, but to no end, and any rational person can see that there's no point in continuing with this, because Banri is not in this town. Either that, or he's paid off everyone to say that he's not. Do you…agree?"

Gojyo shrugged.

"We have to consider other possibilities."

He wouldn't look at me.

"It would be negligent not to, on both our parts."

He answered at last, angrily, "SO what do you want me to do, Hakkai? Just say it!"

"Let's drop by and see Ton and find out what he thinks. That's all."

"_Ton_? I'm not going to Ton and asking him if I'm crazy, Hakkai!"

"Please, Gojyo. This situation is too serious to ignore, can't you see that? At least Ton is a friend and not a complete stranger."

"That's why I can't go asking him if I'm crazy."

"Stop this." I could barely conceal my frustration now, "I swear, do you even understand, or are you being stubborn on purpose?"

He turned to glower at me again. "No, Hakkai. Just no."

"Come now, really? Just go and talk to Ton—how hard is that?"

"I said no." He pushed past me, stomped down the street. "Banri's out there somewhere, Hakkai. The kid too."

"No he isn't, Gojyo!"

"Yes he is!"

This was no good. I was feeling rather desperate myself now, because I'd lost control of the situation. That wasn't even accurate for what I'd done—I'd thrown any control I had over the situation away when I'd brought up those things about his past. Of course he wasn't going to listen to me now, and if he didn't…

_I can't even consider what will happen—I can't allow that._

"Gojyo, please. I'm begging you! Don't expect me to stand by and watch you get hurt!"

"Fuck you!"

"That's not what a partner is supposed to do!"

For some reason, he stopped. It was the last thing I expected, and I held my breath, watching him while he stood with his back to me for a second, before slowly turning to face me. He stared at me for a couple of minutes, and I could practically see him thinking.

When he spoke at last, his voice was composed once more. It still startled me. "Just give me one more day, Hakkai."

"I beg your pardon? One more day for what?"

"To fix this. Then we can just forget the whole thing—we'll go get the relic for Sanzo and go have a couple drinks, and pretend this never happened—everything will be normal again."

I honestly considered agreeing to that just so this horrible conversation could be over, but I knew I shouldn't let it go that easily. "Will you go see Ton?"

"That's…I'm not gonna' promise that."

"You actually intend to act as if nothing happened when it's more than likely, and perfectly obvious, I might add, that you had two psychotic episodes—possibly three—in the last three days?"

"You make it sound so brutal."

"It _is_ that brutal."

"One day, Hakkai. Then you can freak out all you want, and…and I'll do whatever you think I should do."

I studied him skeptically, still wondering at the sudden change in attitude, "You never do that."

"I will this time."

"And you're not tricking me or lying to me?"

"Never. I'm just one-hundred percent fucking positive that that pus-sack Banri is in this fucking town, and all I need is one more day to prove it to you. If I can't, then you're probably right, and I swear to God, I'll talk to Ton and drink wheat grass and stand on my head, or whatever else you want."

"Do you promise?"

"Yeah. Yes—I promise."

"And you won't hate me forever if I throw you in a straight jacket and lock you in a padded room?"

"No guarantees there, pal."

I cracked a reluctant smile. "That sounds…acceptable, I suppose."

"Acceptable? It's exactly what you wanted—shit, man, what else do you want from me?"

"Yes, yes. I mean, it's not completely ideal, but it will do." I paused, half-waiting for him to fly back into a rage, though I wasn't sure why. It was my own fault he'd gotten so angry, and I was lucky he hadn't simply stormed off to goodness knows where. "Why the sudden change of heart, may I ask?"

"Like I said—I'm completely positive that he's here."

I sighed. "Right. I wish that were more comforting. In any case, shall we go home now? I think it's about dinner time."

We walked a while in silence before he broke it, "Just so you know, it's not that I don't appreciate your concern. It's just…so annoying that you don't believe me."

For the hell of it, I tried one more time. "If I simply took your word for it and ignored everything I've seen in the last few days, and then it turns out that I'm right in the end, you would be the one to pay for my inattention, and I don't think I could forgive myself for such a thing."

"Yeah, but, remember? It's not your job to take care of me. It's really not. I feel like I tell you that every goddamn day and you just don't…believe me, I guess."

"But I don't think of it that way, Gojyo. I'm not trying to take care of you, and I don't look after you out of some delusion that you're incapable of looking after yourself. It's certainly not that I feel that you're my responsibility. Far from it. No: you're my partner, and my room mate, and above all, my friend, so I'm not looking after you. I'm watching your back, the same way you always watch mine. I mean, think about some of the things we've been through in the last two and half years. Goodness knows you've had my back off the battlefield as many times as you have _on_ it. All I want is to return the gesture, and I apologize if I don't exactly know how to go about it, but from my standpoint, the circumstances are extenuating."

He didn't reciprocate verbally, but after a moment, he hooked his arm over my shoulder—his peculiar, unobtrusive manner of forgiveness-providing me with some much-needed reprieve, and we walked the rest of the way in silence.

Gojyo

Fan-fucking-tastic.

After today's search, not only was I nowhere near closer to finding Banri, Hakkai thought I was batshit, and I guess I knew I couldn't blame him for thinking that after what I'd done. I mean, he knew better than I did what I'd done.

After dinner, I fixed my room up a little, which just meant I stuffed a bunch of shit in the closet, shut the door, kicked things to the side so there was a path to walk on, and found my ashtray. I dragged my ripped-up mattress back to the center of the room, without the bed frame, set an over-turned box that had held my smut collection, put the ashtray down there, and flopped back on the bed to smoke and think, and smoke and smoke and smoke.

I don't think I ever actually fell asleep. The night passed slowly, but I had to think, because I only had one more day to figure this out before Hakkai called in the white coats. I didn't know what I was going to do if I couldn't find Banri, and I didn't know what I was going to do if I couldn't convince Hakkai that what I'd seen was real, but I knew that I was right.

If I could find my jacket, and the PCP—if that's actually what it was—was still in my pocket, that would help. Or else, it would just open up a new scenario where I had to convince Hakkai that I wasn't a crazy drug-addict.

What I really needed to do was find Banri, because I was sure he was behind all this. Whether he'd slipped that shit into my coat when I wasn't looking, just to be an asshole, or he'd given them to me straight up when I was in the middle of my black out, it didn't matter, because a pile of Angel Dust had not just appeared in my pocket.

_Painkillers. You're a riot, Banri._

But damn. We looked all over today. I think we'd kicked over every stone in town looking for that asshole, and he just wasn't here. By this time, he could have skipped again, and if he had, I was shit outta' luck.

_One more day to find his ass._

I wasn't too worried about what would happen after that one day was up, I decided. I could probably put off going to see Ton for a whole week, maybe two, and eventually, Hakkai was going to see that I was acting perfectly normal, or he was going to drag me over there himself—if that happened, Ton would have a short, boozy conversation with me, discover I wasn't crazy, and tell Hakkai to get the twist out of his panties.

_Hopefully._

That was a long ways away. I had to think about what I should do now.

I still couldn't even come up with a good reason for Banri to be back in town. Showing up once to buy me a drink and hand me a bottle of crazy-crack before disappearing again didn't make the slightest bit of sense. He had to be up to something else. I guess he could have gotten me to do something for him that night, and I wouldn't even remember what it was—that would be so like him. He was always doing shit like this to me; he always showed up at the most inconvenient moment possible, just when I was getting used to him not being around or starting to think I might be better off without him. Why did he have to keep coming back? Why couldn't he ever just stay the hell out of my life? Why hadn't I ever figured out a way to get away from him?

There was still the kid to think about though, and her dead parents too. That all bothered me more than anything, because no matter what else Banri was, he wasn't a murderer. So what did he want the kid for? I guess he could probably find some kind of profit in kidnapping, like prostitution, maybe—that wasn't too low for him, I didn't think, even if it was really pushing it—but her parents were dead, and that didn't add up.

_They're not just dead, they're…_

I almost remembered something.

_Snapping, white teeth, flashing claws, a ton of blood, guts, ripping skin, dying screams…_

I could almost see myself standing on the side of the street, yelling.

_That happened uptown._

Hakkai said those people were brutally murdered, not just killed, but he didn't really say what that meant. He didn't know, but I had this sickening feeling that I probably had a pretty good idea.

Grinding out my latest cigarette, I sat up, stared at my window, the curtains still all crooked because I hadn't bothered to fix them. The moon was getting sort of high up in the sky, so it was probably about ten now. There might be a little time left to do a little more investigating.

If I could get out of the house.

After thinking about it for a second, I went to the door and stood still for a few minutes, listening. The house was totally quiet—no telling where Hakkai was—but it was too much to hope that he might have gone to bed. If anything, he was just sitting in the living room, worrying himself crazy. I turned away, found my knife on the floor, and went over to the broken window and peeled the plastic off, letting in a gust of cool, night air, took a quick glance at my bedroom door before hoisting myself out. I cut my leg on a piece of glass in the process, but it was still easy enough, and then I was on my way, looking over my shoulder at the house a few times as I stalked away into the night.

Maybe it would have been smart to take Hakkai with me, but I didn't think he'd be down to search anymore when that's all we'd done all day, and I was sick of all his crazy talk, and besides, I didn't expect to run into any trouble. I didn't even know where I was going, just the general uptown area, and I doubted I'd find Banri there.

There was another reason not to take Hakkai too. Assuming I did find Banri, I'd have to confront him about everything, and something told me that wasn't going to be pleasant. Together, Hakkai and I wouldn't have any problem beating the shit out of him, and if it came to it, we could kill him. We might even wind up killing him on accident, since the two of us weren't very good at _not_ killing things, and right now, I wasn't sure I wanted Banri to die.

After all the fucked up shit he'd done to me, and to other people, it shouldn't have mattered if I had to kill him or not; if that's what we had to do, that's what we had to do. But I really didn't want to. In my mind, past all the crap he'd done, he was still Banri. I couldn't say what that meant to me exactly, but it was enough to make me think I didn't want him dead. Not if I could reason with him.

Hakkai had asked me if I wanted Banri to be back, and I didn't exactly know how to answer that. On one hand, I'd had a lot of fun with Banri, for a while, ripping stuff off and getting into fights and causing trouble. He'd left me to take the fall a lot back then, but I always told myself it was better than being alone. Anything was.

I thought about the last real conversation I had with Banri, the day he sold me up the creek. I had played it over in my mind a lot of times after he left for the final time—I had assumed it would be the last thing we ever said to each other—but I didn't know if I was looking for comfort in it, or just trying to find some excuse to be angry.

_"Goin' out for a while, pal—I got some work to do. Don't wait up."_

At the time, I had thought it sounded a lot like what I said to Hakkai every night when I headed out gambling. It wasn't really a nice thing to hear.

_"Work? Yeah, right, Banri—you've never worked a day in your life."_

_ "Neither have you, jack-off."_

_ "Still. You think you're ever gonna' quit this? Robbing people for a living?"_

_ "Cash in the chips early? What the hell for? I'm still young."_

_ "I know. It's not like I care what you do. I was just wondering."_

_ "Hey, what've I always told you about over-thinking shit?"_

_ "I ain't over-thinking it, Banri, I just asked you a simple question. God, why'dya' have to be such a pain in the ass all the time?"_

He'd laughed and pounded me in the shoulder, _"Awe, don't worry about it, kiddo. When we get old, you an' me are gonna' be the richest fucks in town—I told ya' that already—then we'll just sit back on our fat, lazy, rich-bastard asses and tap gold diggers all day. But._" He'd wagged a finger at me, _"We gotta' do the work to get there. Right?"_

Looking back, there was nothing but empty promises in that conversation, and I had known it then. Banri had left me behind enough times for me to know that he'd do it again, and I knew that, eventually, it would be permanent. But still…there had been a time when he'd been my only friend, and he'd had his moments, and there had been days in the last three years when I'd missed him, so no. I didn't want to kill him.

Come to think of it, I wasn't even sure why I thought I might have to. Something about what happened the other night…something about the way he'd been acting.

I felt the heavy shape of the knife in my jean pocket, hoped I wouldn't have to gut my old friend with it.

I reached the town by ten-twenty or so, but I didn't make it all the way uptown. Everything was quiet, for some reason—a little too quiet—the streets were deserted, and even the bars looked empty. At first, I thought it was just a slow night—it was Wednesday, after all—but as I got closer to the center of town, I could hear voices, and I wondered if there was some kind of celebration I'd missed the memo for.

I didn't hear anyone laughing or having fun though. The voices sounded angry and worried, a constant, distressed murmur, and every now and then I'd hear someone speaking up over the din, practically shouting, like they were giving some kind of motivational speech. After considering a moment, I headed in that direction.

A bunch of people were gathered at the town square. Not everyone in town, but pretty damn close to it. They were standing in a gigantic circle, murmuring and shouting occasionally, and everyone looked super serious as they listened to whoever was standing in the middle. I couldn't see him, but I thought I recognized his voice. Lao Ken-chi, the richest man in town.

I almost walked away, because I wasn't interested in anything Lao had to say, but decided that, under the circumstances, that was a short-sighted idea, so I drifted closer until I found some people I knew.

"Hey, guys."

Bao-Zhi glanced at me, "What's up, AWOL? Going out drinkin'?"

"Maybe. What's all this about?"

Lien stammered, "Muh-Mister Lao called everyone here tonight to discuss what we should do!"

"_That guy_ called a meeting? What for?"

"T-to discuss what we should do!"

I looked around at the others, hoping they'd be a little more useful, but no one seemed to want to elaborate. They were all focused on whatever bullshit Lao was saying now. At last, I asked, "Do about _what_?"

They shifted their focus back to me for a second, and Rong asked, "You mean you don't know?"

"Hell no, I don't know."

"Damn, dude, living out there in the boonies isn't good for staying in the loop."

"Excuse the shit outta' me for living outside of town. You gonna' tell me what happened or not?"  
>"I'm surprised you don't know too." Bao said calmly. "We thought maybe you had something to do with it."<p>

"Something to do with _what_?"

"Someone else was killed earlier this evening."

My blood ran cold at hearing that, and I had to swallow back my heart, "Y'mean…another human?"

He nodded solemnly.

"Why would you think that had anything to do with me?"

"Because. You've been weird the last few days."

True enough. It couldn't have anything to do with me though, could it? No, I was myself all day. I was with Hakkai. I slept all through yesterday. It couldn't have anything to do with me.

_It has everything to do with me._

"Who was it?"

All of them looked at me, struck by the seriousness in my voice. It wasn't often these guys saw my serious 'I give a shit about this' side. They glanced at each other before Bao answered, "A woman from the east side. I don't know her name, but she was young, newly married, and very pretty, or so they say. Apparently when the body was found, it had been mutilated, almost beyond recognition."

Lien was still stammering, sounding more and more like he was cold, "Th-they say it l-looked like she was r-raped."

_Banri_…

"Where did they find her?"

Bao took a moment. Like maybe he didn't want to tell me, "What's it to you, hot-shot?"

"Just curious."

"I'm sure."

"I can ask someone else."

He shook his head slightly, "No need. They found her on the south side of town, just outside the city limits. Apparently she was visiting her grandmother over there—poor girl never made it home."

That was enough for me. I was walking away before he was even done talking, shoving my way back through the crowd, roughly, and I felt pretty freaking pissed.

Bao called after me, "Stay outta' trouble, huh, Goj? You cleaned me out the other night, and I gotta' get my money back."

_That goddamn Banri. What the hell's he thinking?_

I walked away from the crowd, heading south, not much caring about the consequences ahead of me, or what I left behind either. I just couldn't believe this was happening. I couldn't believe Banri was doing this. Part of me even hoped it wasn't him. I almost wished he'd skipped town days ago, and I'd put up with Hakkai's nagging and worrying for that.

Kidnapping, I could almost understand—if there was profit in it, Banri would do it almost anything. _Almost._ But murder and rape? No way. I didn't believe it. No way. There wasn't any profit in that, and I'd never seen Banri try to hurt someone like that. I'd seen him get into a couple of fights, but for the most part, the guy was chicken shit, and he'd lie down with his tail between his legs and say whatever you most wanted to hear just to save his own ass. I couldn't imagine him murdering anyone. That idiot was a liar, a cheat, a thief and a traitor, but he wasn't a killer.

_I'm a killer._ I thought, puffing on my cigarette, and that thought didn't bother me so much. I'd killed my share of assholes that deserved it. That was why Banri wanted me on his team in the first place. He needed somebody who could do that kind of dirty work, and besides, he probably didn't want to wind up on the team opposing mine.

He'd really fucked that up now, and I was going to fuck _him_ up, when I found him.

_Banri. What the hell happened to you?_

When I got to the southern outskirts of town, I snooped around a little, but it didn't take me long to find what I was looking for. There was a big, bloody splat in the middle of the street, all brown and dried now, like someone had fallen down and bled out there a few hours ago, and there were smears and scuffs and marks all around it, like there'd been a chase, a struggle, and eventually, a slaughter.

I crouched beside it, rubbing my forehead, "Jesus, Banri."

It wasn't even all the way out of town. There were houses just a stone's toss away. Someone had to have heard her screaming. It was super careless, even for Banri.

"What're you thinking, dumb ass?"

Now what? I didn't know if this was much help, even if it was better than nothing. Bao said that the girl who'd been killed was old enough to be married, and the kid I saw flashes of in my head was really young. A child.

_I wonder if she's even still alive?_

I got up again, facing the woods. They looked dark and spookier than usual. I didn't hear so much as an owl hoot, but somewhere in the distance, a stick snapped.

"Banri?"

I almost thought I heard him calling back to me. "_Goojyoooo-chaaan. Come play with me, kiddo."_

"You crazy fuck. What are you doing?"

_"Don't you wanna' save her?"_

This was totally nuts. I'd be an idiot to go in there alone….but it's not like I had any real options. I touched the knife in my pocket again, shuddered a little, then muttered, "You better be ready, dickhead, 'cause here I come."

I marched into the shadows.

The woods. It made perfect sense now—that's why I couldn't find him. He didn't want to be found, and he knew I'd tear the place apart looking for him, so he was out here somewhere, camping or something. No shit he didn't want to stay in an inn after what we'd done. What _he'd_ done.

But the woods were perfect. They were dense, and dark with black-trunked trees, growing close together, and they were silent as death. I didn't hear a thing, besides myself, tromping through the bushes like a retard. It was almost scary. The moon was directly overhead, the light shining down through the trees, barely illuminating my path. I watched the lights of the town disappear behind me, a little bit nervous of what could happen to me out here, but I pushed that thought away and kept going. I only felt that way because everything had been so fucked up lately, so I couldn't give into it.

It wasn't long before I came to a shack, a ways off the beaten path. I'd probably seen it before, once or twice when I'd passed by this way, but it had been abandoned for years, and I hadn't put a thought towards it. It was nothing if not decrepit, old, and falling apart. All the grass around it was overgrown by weeds and the roof was caving in. Over all, it looked quiet and unoccupied, but I knew he was there—my gut instinct told me so.

Plus there was a light on inside.

"Banri!" I shouted as I approached the front. "Get your ass out here! I gotta' bone to pick with you."

I was so angry, shouting felt right, but man would I feel stupid if it turned out he wasn't here.

_Hell, if he's not, I'm crazy and Hakkai's right._

I wished Hakkai were beside me right now, whether or not he thought I was crazy.

For a second or two, there was nothing, and then the front door swung open, and he was there with all his guys, still grinning. I wanted nothing more than to wipe that sarcastic, nasty smile right of his face. "Hey there. I was just wondering if you were going to show up at all. Guess it took you longer to figure it out that I expected. Still not the sharpest tool in the shed, eh, buddy?"

"There you are, you fucked up sonnova bitch. I knew I'd find you."

"Yeah, I knew you would too. Eventually. So. You like the present I left ya'?"

"What present?"

"The cosmos. Duh. What else?"

"Hn. Leme' tell ya', that shit made me glad you never gave me anything before."

"Yeah, yeah. You've always been an ungrateful, little shit."

A few more of his cronies appeared, coming from around the sides of the house and standing there, watching me like attack dogs, just waiting for the word. The nervousness in me ticked just a bit faster, but I hid it.

"Let's quit the bullshit now, Banri. I'm here for the kid, so how about you let her go?"

"The kid?"

"Yeah, dumb ass. The girl. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about."

"Oh, I know what you're talking about. Just. What makes you think she's still alive?"

"Because. You have no reason to kill her." It was a long shot, but I just hoped it was true.

"You sound pretty sure."

"'Course I do. It's true."

"Heh. Don't be so naïve, Gojyo… Aw, hell, guess you can't help it, huh?"

"Look, asshole, I'm only giving you one chance to bring her out here; after that, I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna' do to you."

"I don't think you're gonna' do anything, Gojyo. You're way outnumbered."

I noticed some guys trying to sneak up on me, Peng leading them, but I pretended I didn't know they were there. Five outside, five on the porch with Banri, and probably a few more inside—I was definitely outnumbered, but I wasn't worried. It would only take one swipe of that crazy sickle and chain to have all ten heads rolling through the weeds.

_Do I want to kill Banri?_

I knew he might deserve it; it all depended on where the girl was and whether or not she was alive.

"C'mon, Banri, just hand her over."

He motioned to the four standing with him, and they came down off the porch, "Why don't you beg?"

Peng attacked. I think he was trying to hit me in the head.

I feinted to the right and let his blow slide by me, saw that he had a helluva club in his hand. Damn, I was glad I didn't let that hit me.

As soon as he moved, the others came at me, taking their own swipes at me with knives and clubs and brass knuckles, and I had to duck and dodge and jump.

"Careful boys." Banri drawled, "He's one tough sonnova' bitch."

To accent his point, I kicked one of them in the face, and he fell back, blood spraying from his nose.

I went under the next attack, stood up behind the asshole who'd tried to bludgeon me with his club, and elbowed him in the back of the head. He fell face first.

The next guy tried to gut me; I spun to the side and his knife barely cut through the front of my shirt.

I kneed him in the stomach so hard he passed out on the spot. Now there were seven, all trying to tear into me at once, and I was getting bored.

Grinning at Banri, I stood in the middle of them, "Check this out, _buddy._" I summoned the shakujou, swung it above my head and let the chain fly, wild and free. It took off one guy's arm and another guy's head. The other five hesitated.

"Banri?" Peng called uncertainly.

Banri wasn't grinning anymore. "Cute trick, Goj. What the hell do you call it?"

"Sashimi. You're next if I don't get the kid."

He stared back at me a second, and then, just like that, he hopped over the railing, tossed his cigarette, and disappeared around the corner—running, just like the coward he was.

"I'll deal with him in a second." I muttered.

For now, the last five assholes were watching me warily.

"What's wrong guys?" I puffed my cigarette. "Scared of a punk kid like me?"

A tall guy with a dark shock of hair spat, "Hell no." He rushed me, trying to throw me to the ground.

I slammed him in the head with the shaft of my weapon, took a swipe at the guy who tried to come up behind me. This was too easy. Just another swing and this would be over.

I got ready to take four heads off at once.

"Gojyo!" Banri's voice caught my attention.

"What do you-" I looked up, stopped short when I saw him. He had a kid with him. She was small—probably only ten or twelve—and slender, dressed in nothing but a rough, dirty shirt that only fell to the top of her thighs. Her long hair was ragged and matted and as red as mine. Banri had one arm around her chest, knife to her throat, and she was clawing at his wrist, red eyes wide and full of terror.

"Shit…she's…"

Just like that, his nasty grin was back. "That's right, boyo; daddy had an ace in the hole."

_I can't believe this is happening…_ It was a trick. Had to be. I'd never seen another hanyou in my whole life.

_No way, she's the real deal, and that can only mean one thing._

I felt sick and dizzy all over again.

Everything Banri had done in the last few days, the fact that he'd shown up in this town in the first place, kidnapping the girl—everything—he'd done it all just to fuck with me.

"Don't you dare-"

"Awe, don't get worked up, buckaroo. I won't hurt her…if you lay down your weapon."

I glared at him. My mind was racing again. I should have seen this coming. I should have known. I wasn't supposed to run in without a plan like this—I'd learned better in the last three years—what the hell was I thinking?

"Why are you doing this?" I demanded.

"Oh, I've got my reasons."

"Please." The girl sobbed. "Don't let him…don't let him…"

"Hear that, Goj? Here's a mutt who knows how to beg. How come you didn't learn that? Things might have been better for you if you had."

What now? What now? Could I take his head off when he had her like that? I didn't know. Not for sure. I hadn't had the shakujou all that long. I was pretty good with it, but maybe not good enough, and when I thought about trying, all I could see was accidentally slicing the kid in half too. I couldn't risk that.

Right now though, I'd give anything to slash that disgusting smirk off his face.

As if he'd read my mind, his smile got even bigger, and he slid the knife slowly across her skin.

She whimpered. I saw the red line he'd left on her throat.

"I'll kill you if you do." I whispered.

"I know you. You couldn't live with yourself if you actually let me slit her throat."

That was true. I couldn't stand to see that happen.

Slowly, I lowered my hands, took a deep breath, let the shakujou disappear again.

"There's a good kid."

Peng hit me like a charging bull, and we hit the ground hard. Wind knocked out of me, I sprawled there. The only thought I could get through my mind was _why do I have to be such an idiot?_

Even though I surrendered, it took all four of them to take me into the cabin, and I must have really pissed them off or scared them, because they roughed me up a little along the way, punching me in the gut and slapping me in the face until my anger and indignation was so extreme I had to force myself to calm down. I kept an eye on Banri, who still had the knife to the girl's neck. She was bawling now, and begging still, and I knew that if I let my outrage get the best of me and tried to fight back, he'd kill her just to spite me.

The cabin was cramped and filthy. The floorboards were weak and rotting, creaked as we walked across them, and I half expected Peng to fall through the floor. The whole place reeked of alcohol and sweat, vomit, shit, piss, rancid meat, and just about every nasty thing I could think of, and I wondered how long they'd been living here like this, just waiting for me to be stupid enough to come along and fall into their trap.

Banri slapped me on the back, "Sorry about all this buddy, but it turns out you were right. I won't gain much killing her. As it turns out, half-and-half kids are pretty valuable. Super valuable is more like it. There's a limited number of freaks out there who are into it, but you bring 'em a taboo punk and they'll write you a blank check, and I found a guy who's willing to pay out the nose for this little bitch."

I stared at him. Now that he was closer, I got the feeling something was wrong. He had this crazy look on his face, his eyes were shining and glassy, his tongue was hanging out of his mouth like a dog's, and his whole expression was just wrong. He almost didn't look like Banri, as if all his normal inhibitions and limitations had been completely wiped out. He looked…wild.

"What're you, on the junk or something?"

He laughed, and this time when he pounded my back, I felt his long claws scrape my skin. "Drugs? Hell no. I take a little snort every now and then, but I'm no addict. Naw, you're seeing the real me, pal."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I was wearing the human's damn collar for way too long, and now, I don't have to anymore."

I didn't get anything he was saying—he was probably off his nut—but I didn't really have time to worry about what was wrong with Banri. "What does any of this have to do with me?"

He shrugged, "Not much, but hey, now that you're here, I'm sure I can think of something. You could be too old to sell…guess we'll find out."

"You fuckin' asshole."

He shoved me into a dark, bare room, pushed the girl in after me, and slammed the door. I heard it lock, slowly leaned against it. I knew Banri was still there, so I called out, "I've never been nothin' to you, have I? Just the guy who takes the fall when you fuck up? Just the muscle? Just another coin in your pocket? You used me and threw me away, like you would anybody else, and we were supposed to be partners?"

"That's survival, buddy."

He didn't even hesitate, and I didn't hear so much as a scrap of the regret and apology I thought I would.

"I ain't your buddy." I snarled back at him, and now, more than ever before, I was sure I was right.

Not a second later, I heard his footsteps drumming on the creaky floor as he walked away. I'd have to worry about repaying him the favor later; right now I had to figure out a way to get myself out of this mess. There wasn't so much as a window, so I pulled my lighter out to get a look at the situation.

The room was small. There was a light bulb hanging from a wire in the middle of the ceiling, but when I tried the light switch nothing happened. Aside from that, there wasn't a thing in the room, not even a crappy blanket to sleep on, and apparently the roof was leaky, because I saw a few pools of stagnant water here and there. The door seemed flimsy enough, I figured I could kick it open, but I had to think about the kid. She was a liability for sure. It wasn't like I could just ditch her ass and run, not after everything I'd done to find her.

Finally, I turned to look at her.

Her hair was tangled, matted and greasy, her shirt stained with what looked like blood and maybe vomit. Her bare legs were streaked with dirt and I didn't even want to know what else, and I saw large, painful bruises and deep cuts on her face. Banri was an idiot if he thought anybody would buy her looking like shit. Still, I could see why he wanted to sell her; she was going to grow up gorgeous. She had wide-set, luminous eyes and delicate features, and even with the dirt and the bruises, she was really pretty. She was staring at me like I had two heads or a third eye or something, and I couldn't really blame her. She'd probably never seen another hanyou before.

Sighing, I lit a cigarette. "Don't be scared. We'll get out of this."

"How?" She husked, her voice pretty, like the tinkling of a bell. "There're so many of them…I don't see a way out."

"Leave it to me." I grinned flatly. "I came here to rescue you, and that's what I'm gonna' do, so just relax."

She glanced around the room, skeptically, holding herself and shuddering.

"Here." I whisked my coat off and draped it across her shoulders.

"Thank-you." She fingered the leather, eyes cast down, and I detected just a hint of embarrassment in her face.

"Hey, somebody's gotta' be a gentleman around here. What's your name anyway?"

"Meiying."

"That's a pretty name. I'm Gojyo."

"Nice to meet you." She mumbled.

"Pleasure's mine." I grinned.

She gave me a long look, "You were there…that night…"

My heart froze in my chest, and I tried to think of something to say, eventually muttered, "Um…I guess I was. I don't remember anything about it."

Her voice grew even softer, "You tried to stop them when they killed my parents. You were the only decent man there."

The relief hit me like a load of bricks. Decent didn't typically describe me, but it was a hell of a lot better than 'accessory to murder'.

I sighed. "Yeah…sorry it didn't work out."

"I feel just terrible for getting you involved."

Pondering her speech pattern, I slumped against the wall and slid to the floor. She talked like a lady for only being twelve or thirteen, not at all like a little urchin. "No big deal. I wish this was going better, that's all."

"They weren't my real parents, you know. They adopted me when I was little."

An adopted child of taboo? I almost couldn't believe someone would do that. "How long have you been in this town?"

"A few years. I don't go out very much because…well, you know."

"Do you have any other family to look for you?"

"I have foster grandfather. I don't think he ever approved of my adoption, but he wouldn't turn me out on the street if I went to him."

"In this town?"

"No. He lives in another village, to the north."

"Hunh." At least she wasn't totally alone. If I got her out of this, she had somewhere to go.

"What about you? Do you have parents looking for you?"

"What? No. Of course not…"

Meiying looked dubious at that, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-one."

"Really? I thought you were eighteen or something."

"Eighteen? Are you for real? I look eighteen to you?"

She shrugged, "Anyway, you're young enough to have parents to look for you."

"Guess so." I said uncomfortably. Most people my age did still have parents…

Meiying studied me a while, "Is anybody going to come and look for you, Gojyo?"

"I…dunno'. He might. It could take a while though." Hakkai would figure out I was gone before the night was over, and then, depending on how bad his panic attack was, he'd either wait up a while, and then he might start looking for me. If not, he was going to freak out when I wasn't home yet tomorrow morning, and then he'd be here bright and early to give Banri a nice, personal 'hello'.

There was no question about him finding the place—he was Hakkai after all.

"He'll be here." I decided, more firmly this time, "Just a matter of when. And those bastards are gonna' wish they'd minded their own business by the time we're done with them."

She didn't say anything, and I wondered if she doubted what I said.

Still, it felt pathetic to sit there, so I started to think of a plan. I could bust the door down pretty easy, and there were only five guys out there, unless more had showed up. As long as I kept Meiying close, I might be able to get the upper hand. Right now though, Banri was expecting that probably, and they'd be ready. It was quiet out there, so I figured they were just sitting around, waiting for me to cause trouble. If I waited it out, they'd get careless, start kicking back the liquor, be drunk before too much time had passed, and that would be the time to make a move.

Again, I wondered what the hell was wrong with Banri. This just wasn't like him. And I really couldn't figure out why he was doing this to me. I wanted to think there was some kind of reason, but after seeing the look in his eyes, I got the feeling that this whole thing was even more random and irrational than I'd thought.

Meiying kept standing in the middle of the room, wrapped in my coat, like she didn't quite know what to do.

I gestured to the space beside me, "Grab some wood—we're gonna' sit tight a while."

She didn't move.

"C'mon, I won't hurt you."

Reluctantly she moved over and sat beside me.

I flicked my lighter shut, and we sat in the dark.

"They been feeding you?"

"A little."

So someone might bring food after a while, but they'd be extra careful, knowing I was in here now.

"They hit you?"

"Sometimes…when I scream or when they're bored. I bit one of them."

I grinned to myself, and then I thought of something else that wiped the smile off my face, "They didn't…I mean…they haven't been…they didn't…_hurt_ you…right?"

Meiying hugged her knees to her chest, "What difference does it make?"

"Might change the way I kill them."

She laughed. It was sad to hear such a bitter sound from such a young kid, but I heard an echo of myself in that laughter, "That's all we're good for anyway, isn't it? For all I know, they'll start breeding people like us just for that."

"Hey." I scolded, "Don't start thinking that way."

"Why not?" She asked cynically.

"Because if you do, they win."

"They've won already."

"Bullshit they have. As long as I'm alive, this will never be over."

"I already know what's going to happen to me, Gojyo. I know how I'll spend the rest of my life after they sell me." Her voice was choked, like she might start crying, "And…and what do you think is going to happen to you? It can't be much better."

"Nobody's sellin' me. Either they're gonna' kill me right here in this shack, or I'm gonna' bleed every last one of them."

"That's what you say, but-"

I flicked my lighter on again, just so I could look her in the eye, "Meiying. It's tough being taboo; So, if you wanna' give up and lay down and spread your legs to be some perv's special fetish fuck you can, and it makes total sense. Or you can fight it with every drop of blood in your veins, and then maybe you'll prove to someone that you're not the worthless mutt they see you as."

Meiying stared back at me for a long, long time, like she was absorbing the words, then answered shakily, "It's easy for you to say that, boy. But it's different for girls: we're not fighters."

"You can be a fighter if you wanna' be."

"But I'm not. And I never have been."

"I bet you're tougher than you think—you just gotta' find some respect for yourself."

"How?"

Beyond the door I finally heard voices and some laughter.

"You just gotta' decide if you're worth it or not."

Meiying was quiet a minute, then she dropped her head, resting it on my shoulder, whispered, "I want to be brave like that. I do."

"I think you're brave."

She giggled a little. "You're sweet. I wish you were younger."

"Heh. I wish _you_ were older."

"I'm really scared…"

"Don't be. Everything's gonna' be okay."

A few hours passed, and we sat there. Meiying fell asleep eventually, but I stayed alert, listening as the voices and cheering got louder, and I heard them cracking open beer after beer. Still, I bided my time, piecing together the last few bits of my plan. Hakkai would be impressed with my patience if he saw how careful I was being.

I wondered what Banri was waiting for. He'd gone to so much trouble, baiting me and getting me to come out here, and now he was just sitting out there, almost like he was waiting to see if Hakkai would show up and kick his ass. Obviously, he'd decided he didn't need to be scared of me, and that was a huge mistake. I had to make sure he regretted it, and that meant beating the shit out of him before anyone else got a chance to. That didn't line up too well with the patience, but I forced myself to sit tight.

Finally, when the voices had turned to drunken shouting, and they were slurring their words, I knew it was time. I nudged Meiying awake, "Hey. C'mon. We're busting outta' here."

"We are?" She yawned. "I thought we were waiting for your friend."

"Naw, I'd like to sleep in my own bed tonight." I got up and helped her to her feet.

"Are you sure it's a good idea? There are kind of a lot of them."

"Just stay close to me—you'll be fine." With that, I gave the door the strongest kick I could muster, right below the doorknob, and the whole thing practically exploded.

The idiots in the other room freaked and started screaming. "What the?"

One was so startled he flipped over backward in his chair.

Banri jumped up. "Hey!"

Meiying pressed close to me, and I knew my priority was to get her out of this dump, "Evening, boys."

"Gojyo, you dirty fuck, what're you-"

"Thanks for the hospitality there, Banri." I summoned the shakujou, "But we don't wanna' overstay our welcome."

Slowly, his angry look transformed back into that nasty smile, "Hey, you're always welcome at my place, buddy."

"Okay, well it smells like shit in here, and I don't like your friends. How's that?"

A couple of them staggered to stand in my way, but it looked like they were having trouble standing up.

"You can't get out, Gojyo. Not with the girl."

"Just watch me." I kicked the table back, knocking it down, just to create a small diversion, and then swung my shakujou, sawing through the guy barricading the door.

Banri and the other three came at us, jumping clumsily over the table.

I swept Meiying up in one arm, tripped a guy with the shaft of the shakujou, cut the arm off another, all while heading for the door.

They kept coming, but a little slower. Banri was laughing this deranged, psycho laugh, "Aw, c'mon, Goj. What're you doin'? Tell ya' what, why don't you join up with me? It'll be just like old times."

"Fuck off. I have no idea what's wrong with you, but you couldn't pay me enough money to switch teams now."

"I'll split whatever we get for her with ya'. Fifty-fifty."

Meiying held onto me a little tighter, and I thought I heard her whimper.

"Your long-ass ears ain't working too good today, huh? I just told you no."

His face turned angry again. "Hey, did you forget we're friends? What's with that attitude of yours? Since when can you not trust me?"

"Since always."

"As if you're so much better than I am—you're a scumbag lowlife, just like the rest of us, and living with some proper dude hasn't changed that."

"You don't know a fuckin' thing about Hakkai." I said angrily.

"I know he's changed you. You used to be a fun guy—laid back and ready to rumble—now look at you."

"Saving little girls from candy-ass, murdering, kidnappers. Yeah, I really took a step down."

He laughed again, sounding crazier than ever, "You know, that hero gig doesn't really suit you. You oughta' give it up."

While he was laughing, I scanned the others, but they were just waiting for their opportunity to jump on me, so I didn't dare let my guard down, not even for a second.

"C'mon, Goj. I know you I've known you since you were just a damn kid, and I've never done shit to you—so I ditched your ass a couple times. You're fine, so what's the big deal? What're you so pissed about? The drugs? The kid? I didn't do anything to hurt you.

"You and me used to be inseparable, didn't we? So when in the hell did you get it in your head that I'm out to get you? What did I always tell you? Don't trust anybody but your partner, right? Find a partner you can trust and trust him, and everybody else can go to hell. Remember?"

I did remember that. I don't think I'd ever forgotten it—it was one of the first things Banri ever told me, the second day after we met, when we were holding up a convenience store in another town. It was something I wished I could let go of. Not that anybody had gotten hurt, but still… I guess it just wasn't my style.

"I'm your partner." He reminded me. Like he thought he was getting to me, "Hand the girl over, and you an' me can pick up where we left off."

"Man, did your brain turn to shit or what? After everything I've been through in the last four days, you actually expect me to trust you? What about 'you might be too old to sell, but we can think of somethin' else'?"

"I was just fuckin' with ya, Gojyo. Gime' the girl, and I'll let you go home."

"I'd rather chop off my own dick and roast it over a camp fire."

"Don't be stupid, Gojyo. There's no way you're getting out of this with _her_ weighing you down, and you know it."

"Guess we'll see."

I turned to run, but Peng was suddenly filling the whole door. I don't know why I hadn't realized he wasn't in the room before. He was sort of hard to miss. I ran right into him, fell back from the impact; I managed to keep my grip on Meiying, but in the process, let go of my shakujou, and it vanished.

Meiying clung to my neck as Peng stood over us, laughing this creepy, schizophrenic laugh; he grabbed her roughly by the hair and flung her into the corner. She hit the wall hard, and I could tell she was dazed.

I scrambled to my feet just in time to avoid being stomped, getting between her and the others just in time. They were closing in on me, grinning crazily, and Banri looked more psychotic than ever.

"You're totally boned, Gojyo."

"Shut the hell up." I snapped.

"You should have taken my offer. Now I'm gonna' shred ya'." His tongue lolled from his mouth, "I bet even a mutt like you would taste all right."

My heart stalled for a quick second, "What?"

"To hell with selling the girl. Maybe, if you taste good, we'll eat her too."

I gaped at him, and then practically shouted, "Banri. What the _fuck_ is wrong with you, man? Did you lose your freakin' mind?"

He crouched, preparing to lunge, "It's just the opposite—I finally see the world the way it really is."

I got ready to fight.

Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw a fluttering, white shape, just outside the window.

No way…

Jeep bobbed once, then swept away.

A slow, knowing grin came across my lips, "Perfect timing, partner."

"What did you say?" Banri demanded; I couldn't tell if he thought I was talking to him, or if he knew Hakkai was here, and he was scared shitless. I would be, if I was him, but with how psycho he was acting, it wouldn't be surprising if he didn't feel scared at all.

Not like I gave a shit. I turned and put my fist through the nearest window.

It hurt like fucking hell. My fist was already so messed up from the other night, I was surprised it didn't shatter on impact. Pain shredded up my arm, the old lacerations slicing open, glass flew everywhere, and blood splashed across my shirt.

"Hey! What do you think you're-"

I had Meiying in my arms again. Barely taking time to look, I shoved her through.

Hakkai took her from me easily.

I gave him my best smile. "Good to see you, buddy."

"That goes double for me, Gojyo." He said caustically, not smiling back.

"Yeah, sorry for sneaking out."

"We'll talk about that later. In the mean time, you'd better focus." With that, he disappeared into the shadows.

Peng grabbed my right arm, another guy had my left. They dragged me back from the window. Banri was screaming, and now I knew he was scared. "That fucker! What the fuck's he doing here?"

"Some partners don't ditch your ass when the road gets a little rough."

He slapped my face, "Shut the fuck up, Gojyo! Just shut the fuck up!"

I spat blood on him. "Awe, don't be scared, _buddy_. He's not gonna' get you. _I_ am."

I gave him a kick in the stomach, and he fell backward through the open window, then I ripped loose, had the shakujou out again, chopped off Peng's head in a blink, spun around and cut the other guy in half. There was just one left; he screamed and tried to run, but I was on him before he could get even halfway out the door, decapitated him too, and stepped out into the night. It was cold without my coat, but I ignored that, looked around, letting the shakujou disappear again. "Banri?"

Snarling, he came at me out of the dark; I saw the sharp flash of silver as he did his best to cut my heart out, stepped out of the way just in time and he cut my arm instead. Laughing, I backed away, "Nice."

"I wouldn't laugh if I were you. This's your last night alive, Gojyo." His voice was deep and violent and dripping with insanity.

"Yeah?" I put a cigarette in my mouth. "What am I gonna' slip in the shower later or something?"

"Very funny." He tossed his knife from his right hand to the left and back.

I pulled my brother's switchblade from my pocket. I could still remember what it was like to go up to his room and grab it off his dresser after Mom was dead. I guess I'd thought it would be good to take a piece of him with me. Even then, I'd known he was never coming back.

But Jien hadn't let me down. He had saved my life, and now, I had a life I could save. Maybe that wouldn't fix everything that was wrong with me, but it would help.

I popped the blade open. "I didn't come here to kill you, but I will if you make me."

"You know, Gojyo, I really don't get it. We could own this whole world, you and me, but you always gotta' get so hung up on dumb shit. Is it 'cause she's a mutt too, or are you following some pathetic sense of justice?"

"One thing you gotta' learn about me—I ain't no mutt." I jumped at him, taking a couple slashes, aiming for his neck. He leapt back, before I could even nick him, came at me, switching knife hands back and forth again, drove forward, stabbing at my chest. I jumped to the side. The tip of his blade almost caught me.

It had been a while since I'd fought this way, and I was at a huge disadvantage, only being able to use one hand. My left fist was throbbing uncontrollably, and the right hand didn't feel too great either. Hell, I could have sliced and diced him five different ways with my shakujou by this time, but…somehow, this seemed suiting.

We circled around, hacking at each other, slash for slash. I chopped down, trying to take his hand off.

Banri lunged forward, grabbed my arm and tried to stab me in the shoulder.

I wrenched free just in time, felt the edge of his knife lay open the skin all along the underside of my right wrist. I kicked him back. Blood was streaming, hot and wet down my hand already. It hurt like hell.

"Don't mess with the master, kid."

"I've always been able to kick your ass, Banri."

"With your fists maybe. But you're up a creek if you try to out-knife me."

"We'll see." I bounded toward him again, feinted to the other side, and took a horizontal swipe at his chest.

He took advantage of how close I was and almost got me in the side. I arched my back to avoid getting shanked, slashed at his face. We circled around again. I attacked in a flurry of quick strikes, forcing him to back down the stairs. I stood on the top step, striking again and again. Our knifes hit. The clatter of metal on metal rang through the woods.

Banri wasn't smiling now.

"What was it all for anyway?" I demanded, hacking at him, missing him by centimeters. "Those people you killed, taking the girl, the drugs. What the hell was it all for? What the hell do you _want_, Banri?"

We circled around each other. His tongue was hanging out of his mouth again, and he looked hungry? "You really have to ask? After everything you've seen tonight?"

He jumped at me, but didn't swing—just psyching me out—and I stumbled back.

"I want to hear you say it out loud, I guess."

"I came to do you a solid, remember?"

"_What_ solid?"

His smile was three times as nasty as before, "I just figured, living with that proper dude, your life's gotten really boring, so I came back to spice things up a little. Get it?"

"You really came back _just_ to _fuck_ with _me_?"

Banri laughed in my face, "That's right, Goj. I really came back just to fuck with you."

Angrier than ever, I kicked at him again, knocking him down the steps. He managed to stay on his feet. I jumped down after him, and he got me in the stomach. I felt the blade go in deep, almost to the handle, shoved the pain away and wrenched the blade away from him.

Snarling, Banri came at me with his claws, taking one swipe at my face, then another at my chest. I'd never seen him do anything like that before, and it scared the shit out of me. Was he totally bat-shit?

No time to figure that out.

I felt his claws whistle past my ear, knew I had to end this fight as fast as I could, because my wounds were going to slow me down, and if I gave him a chance, my old partner was going to tear me to ribbons.

Gritting my teeth, I ducked under another strike, driving at him, ramming my shoulder up into his sternum.

Banri lost his balance, stumbling back.

I took advantage of that, dove forward and wrestled him to the ground, busted him across the face, and pinned him, bleeding arm braced against his chest. I pressed the side of Jien's knife against Banri's throat. It felt sort of wrong, looking down at him like that. He was Banri.

_I really can't believe this._

But, I couldn't let him get away with what he'd done. I couldn't back out of this now—this was what I'd come to do, and I'd have to be an idiot to think I could do anything short of killing him and not pay for it later.

He was totally nuts. He was going to come back for more if I let him live.

It was time to get over Banri and move on.

"Looks like. I'm not the one dyin'. Tonight." I heaved. There was blood running down to my navel, and my arm was shuddering.

Banri laughed more, "Whatever. You never made much of a killer."

"You think I won't kill you?"

"Me? No. There's no way in hell you're gonna' slit my throat like a common thug—you're too nice for that. We were too close. I'd say you're way more likely to stumble into the woods and bleed to death."

I dug in a little deeper, until a few beads of blood appeared beneath the knife. "That mighta' been true three years ago, but you fucked me over for the last time today."

"I didn't fuck you over, asshole. It's your own fault for being so goddamn naïve."

"I'm not naïve." I grated out. "I ain't no kid either. And excuse the hell outta' me for having a few morals, Banri."

"Morals." He laughed again. "It wasn't about morals. You just can't get over it, can you? What your crazy mother did to you. Poor, little Gojyo. I've always felt sorry for ya'."

"I don't need any pity from you, dickhead."

"So quit all the big talk and kill me already."

I stared into his eyes. I didn't bring Jien's knife with me so I could kill Banri, but suddenly it occurred to me that maybe this was what I'd wanted all along. Maybe I was angry enough at being let down and screwed with and abandoned that it was finally my turn to get what I deserved.

And then again…he was Banri. Dammit, that was the really sucky part. This was _Banri_. Sure, he'd screwed me over a few times in the past. He'd damn near gotten me killed and, he'd drugged me, and stabbed me, and he'd come all the way back here just to dick with my head, but he was still Banri. A few years ago, we'd done everything together. I'd fallen asleep on his shoulder once for fuck's sake, and he'd just let me, like I was his own naïve, lost little brother. There had been parts of him that reminded me of Jien. I had always told myself I let him use me because it beat being alone, but that was just to hide the fact that some part of me really did care about Banri. When he asked me to be the hostage in his place, he'd done it, knowing there was no way I'd refuse. Knowing I'd come, even if I already knew what was going on, because I was the idiot who couldn't let him get killed. Hakkai was right, as usual. I didn't make a very good villain—not the guy who got his arm sliced up and his guts stabbed to save a girl he didn't even know.

In the end, I just didn't want him to be gone like that, forever. Always there had been some shard of hope that I'd wake up one day and he'd come back—maybe it was just some stupid, messed up extension of the hope I had that maybe, some day, Jien would come back—and it didn't matter _why _he came back, even if it was just to use me, I was always willing to take it. Why? Because I was just that pathetic, I guess. But tonight, if I killed him, this would be the last time he came back, and part of me felt like that meant all of my hope would be gone forever.

So I couldn't. Even if he did deserve to die, I couldn't be the one to do it—not with my own brother's knife.

Panting, I pulled the knife away, quickly, knowing if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to stop. "Go on. Get the fuck out of here." I snapped, dragging myself to my feet.

He laid there, looking up at me, not moving, like he was trying to decide if I were serious.

"Before I change my mind." I added, kicking him in the side.

A wide smile came across his mouth.

"Didn't you hear me, asshole? I'm letting you go—and if I were you, I'd move it before Hakkai gets back here." I didn't know if Hakkai would actually do anything, I guess I said it just to scare him.

Banri stood up too, laughing. It was this really crazy, almost maniacal laugh that had me taking a step away from him, instinctively.

"What's so funny, crazy-ass?"

"You, baby. You're so fuckin' predictable—I knew you couldn't do it—that's what I love about you, Goj."

My face burned, and I wondered if I should just stab him now, if I even could.

There wasn't a whole lot of time to think it over. Hakkai was suddenly beside me, his voice was like ice. "If by predictable you mean legitimately a good person, then I think you're right. Mr. Banri."

Banri's face dropped a little, he sneered, "Aw look, Goj. Your boyfriend's here. Too bad he wasn't here in time to keep _that_ from happening." He pointed to the knife jutting out of my stomach.

Hakkai went on like he hadn't said a word, "Now me…I think you'll find me a touch less forgiving."

"Yeah, what're you gonna' do, ya' youkai-hating pieca' shit?"

Hakkai reached into his pocket—for the first time I saw that he was wearing my jacket. He pulled the small, white bottle out of it, held it up for all to see. "Phencyclidine, I believe?"

"Hey, where'd you find that?"

Banri shrugged, "Don't get so bent outta' shape there, pal. Those are some pretty small doses."

My partner was giving him the scariest, fucking face I'd ever seen, "You could have killed him, you know."

"Hey, it ain't my fault the dumb ass decided to take more than one."

"Naturally, I didn't expect you to care."

"Oh, c'mon, Hakkai." I muttered, "Let's go home—this dick's not worth it." I turned to go, thinking he'd follow me.

Hakkai didn't move. "But you will care, Banri. You'll care deeply by the time I finish with you, and you'll wish you were lucky enough to be simply experiencing a 'bad trip'."

Banri took a half a step backward, but he still didn't look scared. "Bring it."

"Hey, Hakkai." I said louder, "I'm bleeding here. Let's just-"

` In a flash, Hakkai chucked the bottle of Angel Dust at Banri. It flew in a white blur and hit him square in the forehead, hard enough to have him stumbling back, holding his head and cursing. Next, Hakkai flew forward. I hadn't seen him move that quickly in a while, and I knew he was deadly serious.

He punched Banri right in the stomach, grabbed him by the shirtfront before he could fall over backwards, slung him around and slammed him right into a tree, pinning him there and striking him over and over and over, in the face and the chest and the gut, beating the living shit out of him, mercilessly, and lecturing, of all things, while he was doing it.

"Never in my life have I seen such horrifically irresponsible behavior—I thought _he_ was bad, but no. No, Mr. Banri. You take the proverbial cake." He hit Banri in the face with his elbow, and I heard his nose snap. Blood squirted. "You did all of this just to 'fuck with him', did you? Well, the next time you feel so inclined to come back this way all for the purpose of making sport of someone, I recommend you select someone who's _not_ Gojyo."

I watched in amazement as Hakkai hit him in the chest, and Banri doubled over, coughing up blood. He twisted his arm with a quick snap and dislocated his shoulder. He kicked him in the knee and I heard another sickening crack as Banri's knee broke. He collapsed, screaming, but Hakkai didn't let up. He went on with the beating for several minutes, until it occurred to me that he'd probably kill Banri, if I let him, even if it wasn't exactly what he'd intended to do.

"Hey, Hakkai. Stop."

He ignored me. He was kicking Banri now, over and over and over.

"You can stop, Hakkai. Hakkai. Stop. Stop."

Banri was curled into the fetal position, writhing and screaming.

I finally made my way toward them. "Hakkai, c'mon, man, you're gonna' kill him."

Hakkai paused for a single second, turned and looked me right in the eyes. "Let the punishment fit the crime."

I gaped at him.

He went back to the beating with a fierce kick to Banri's head.

"Wait a minute." I grabbed his arm, but he ignored me and went on with killing Banri, "Dude, just hang on. Look—I'm okay. I'm not dead. I'm not dead, Hakkai, so the punishment doesn't fit the crime. _Listen_ to me."

"This man is single-handedly responsible for causing me much more worry than I am accustomed to—the punishment _does_ fit the crime."

"You're gonna' kill him for making you _worry_?"

He didn't answer.

Banri was lying limp now.

"Hakkai!" I shoved him off.

At last, he turned on me, growling, "Don't interfere. You're emotionally involved, and you-"

"_I'm_ emotionally involved. What about you?"

"I'm making sure this spineless reprobate gets what he deserves."

"What about Gan? Gan made me just as angry as you are right now, and you wouldn't let me kill him, so why should I let you do this?"

"Gan was doing his job. He didn't go miles out of his way for the sole purpose of messing with my head. And he-" He almost seemed to choke, broke off suddenly, grabbed my wrist and twisted it slightly so it was underside up. "If you could remember _this_ the way that I do, you would want him dead too."

"But I can't. And I don't. So cut it out."

Hakkai looked at me, angry and incredulous.

"Please, man?"

Jerkily, he turned his back to me, and I thought he'd go back to killing Banri; instead, he snapped. "Thank him dearly. Sparing your life is the last thing I feel like doing."

Banri coughed and struggled to sit up, head rolling, face covered in blood. He reached out to me, "G-goj…"

Hakkai knelt and grabbed him by the front of the shirt, jerking him forward, and I heard him hiss, "If I ever see your face in this town again, I'll knife you myself." Then, he let Banri slump back to the ground, stood up, and faced me again, and I half-way thought he'd start lecturing _me_ next.

I sighed, "'Kai, it's just-"

He stood next to me, facing the opposite direction, and put his arm loosely around my neck, only for a second, voice still tight with emotion. "You really make a terrible villain."

For a second or two, I stood rigidly, and then I sighed and leaned against him ever so slightly. "I know. You told me."

"I do wish you'd stop doing these senseless things out of your own inability to be heartless."

We looked each other in the eyes for a moment, as Jeep came to land on Hakkai's shoulder, and I forced a smirk, "This really sucked, didn't it?"

"Yes, Gojyo. This _sucked_."

Pain throbbing through my abdomen, I turned away from him, kicked Banri in the side, harshly, "Get up and beat it, you pieca' shit."

Banri moaned and turned onto his side, sputtering through his own blood, "Some day…you'll get it, Goj…some day, you'll get it…"

"Hell if I know what that means." I was holding my stomach in, so I didn't even care really, "Just get the fuck outta' here, wouldja'?"

I watched as Banri pulled himself to his feet, falling down a couple times, groping for something to support himself on, and then, he shook his head at me, face streaming with blood, pulled the hood back up over his ears, just the way he'd come. He lit a cigarette. "See ya' around."

"I never want to see you again, Banri." I snapped. "Now get the fuck outta' here."

Banri laughed to himself a moment, and then I watched as he limped away into the woods, and disappeared.

"That…crazy motherfucker." I muttered under my breath. "What the hell is his problem?"

Hakkai didn't look at me. "Whatever it is, it isn't _our_ problem. Not yet, at least."

Slowly, I pulled the knife out of my side, felt even more blood starting to gush.

Hakkai tsked. "Ah, Gojyo. With all your street smarts you still never learned not to remove a foreign object from the wound when it's piercing your flesh?"

"Oh, guess I didn't think about it because there's a _knife_ sticking outta' me, Hakkai."

He didn't even chuckle, didn't so much as miss a beat. "Did you really have to come here without me?"

"Dunno. Just didn't want to bother you with it, I guess. How'd you find me anyway."

"Jeep helped. Also, I did hear about the unfortunate young woman who was killed earlier this evening." He hesitated a long, long moment, "I…must admit, I wasn't sure what I was going to find."

"You and me both."

He was quiet a while, and then he finally looked me in the eyes, "I…wanted to apologize, Goj."

"Eh? What for?"

"For not believing what you were telling me. For doubting you. For the stupid things I said earlier today. I have a million things to apologize for, I suppose, and believe me, I am deeply sorry

"Hell." I started a new cigarette, "I'm just glad you showed up."

"What an odd thing to say. You must have known, with the way everything was, that I wouldn't just ignore the fact that you'd disappeared."

"Yeah, I guess what I mean is…shit. Thanks for sticking around through all this."

Hakkai gave me an funny look, "Why in the world wouldn't I?"

I hesitated, not sure what to say next, "I was probably even more psychotic than I thought I was the other night..."

He smiled to himself, "Yes. Well…it was somewhat frightening, I must admit. Still, it wasn't enough to scare me away. Either that, or I was just determined to knock the sense back into you."

I laughed, which led to a short coughing fit, felt blood spurting from my mouth into my fist. "Fuck. "

"Shall we go now? I've already half-carried you home twice this week, and I don't want to do it again."

We started to walk, and I glanced around at the now-quiet woods, not quite believing that there'd been such a bad ass fight out here, not five minutes ago.

"Where's the kid?"

"With Jeep. She seems to be rather smitten with you. You were the first thing she asked about when she came to."

"I gotta' way with the ladies…"

"And with children too, I suppose. Then again, you went about saving her with a very suicidal sort of resolve."

"Yeah. Guess I'll probably always be kinda' an idiot, huh?"

"I'm afraid so. It's one of your most endearing qualities, so I ill-advise relinquishing it over slight miscommunication."

We were quiet another second, and then I swore, "Shit. He did all this crap just to dick with me. Can't believe how messed up that is."

"I find it quite disturbing myself. Also, I observed that he was not behaving the same way you did while under the influence of the phencyclidine, and therefore, I'm afraid he must have been acting that way for another reason."

"Like what?"

"I'm not exactly sure, however…the implications are rather foreboding."

"What'dya' mean?"

"It's just a feeling I have—a gut instinct, you might say—but I think this whole encounter has a sense of forewarning to it. I fear it may be a shadow of things to come."

I'd have to deal with more craziness in the future? More out of control, warped fucks trying to kill me for some reason I didn't even get? I really hoped Hakkai's gut instinct was wrong this time.

"Hn. That's not exactly what I wanted to hear."

"Ah. Excuse me. What I meant was, I'm sure the two of us will never have to deal with anything of this nature ever again, and in fact, I get the feeling that everything will be peaceful and simple from now on."

"Hey, you don't gotta' lie to me, dude. So we got more crazy youkai to deal with in the future—I never said I wouldn't do it—hell, bring it on."

Hakkai smiled serenely, "That's the spirit. Bring it on."

"Hell yeah." I slung my arm over his shoulder, leaning on him as I felt the blood flow out of me.

For a long while, neither of us said anything.

"Gojyo." He said at last, quietly.

"Nn?"

"Don't do this again."

"Not planning on it, 'Kai."

I felt his hand on the back of my neck, just for a second before it was gone again.

That's just the way it was.


	13. Chapter 13

Mission Ten

Pulse

Hakkai

_…The world has gone crazy…_

I opened my eyes, pain shot through my head, even though there was very little light in the room. In fact, everything was dim and gray and faded—nothing but flat, stone walls and high ceilings—and the floor I was pressed against was cold, my body burning as if from fever, skull throbbing, and everything ached as I rolled onto my back—the position I usually slept in anyway—and stared up at the criss-crossing, steel rafters. My left arm ached as I shifted over it and I gasped out loud from the pain

_Where in the world…?_

For just a moment, as I'd been lying there, I had thought I was at home somehow, on my own bed, in my own house.

I thought I heard Gojyo calling my name from just down the hall, but that was nothing but a memory.

_A memory of what?_

I sat up suddenly, feeling a bite of panic and another shock of pain in my arm, all the way up to my shoulder.

The room around me was small and bleak, every inch of it solid and indestructible, the face of the heavy, steel door was blank with a few dents and scratches, as if someone, once, had tried to beat their way out, because I could tell simply by looking at it that it was locked tightly. The air smelt stale and harsh, reeking of iron and rust and chemicals with the faintest touch of blood, and there wasn't so much as a window; I was lucky to have the one, solitary light bulb, hanging by a wire over my head, flickering off and on. Not that there was anything to see in the first place. It seemed that the door was the only point of interest.

Still, even in this non-descript room, my head was pounding. I raised a hand to touch my brow, heard a defiant jangle of chains, felt the familiar cold, heaviness of handcuffs.

And still that wasn't the greatest of my worries.

_Where in the world is he?_

So clearly…I could still hear his voice calling me so clearly. But it was just a memory, wasn't it? Obviously he wasn't here with me.

I sat up on my knees and looked around, just to be sure, scanning all four dark corners of the room. "Gojyo?"

He didn't answer, and I didn't smell so much as a trace of cigarette smoke, a sure sign that he was nowhere nearby.

_So where in the world is he?_

_Banri…the phencyclidine…wherever he is, he needs me. Last time, he slashed his wrist so badly, he would have died if I hadn't come along when I did…_

Wait a minute. I shook my head, trying to clear those thoughts away. _That was months ago._ Yes, I remembered that we'd found Banri—_he'd_ found Banri—and then they'd sorted it all out through a knife fight. And then, life had returned to normal. No more drugs. No more freakish, riotous, outbursts. He was always grinning and laughing at me and playing around like a child. We'd taken the hanyou girl—Meiying—some place safe, and then we'd recovered Sanzo's statue with ease.

_Gojyo shoved the statue at Sanzo—he'd been complaining about having to carry it all day—gave him an insolent smirk, "See? We said we'd get it."_

"_Hn. You're four days behind schedule."_

"Three_, asshole. Just be grateful we got the damn thing for you at all."_

_Sanzo had studied him a moment, "I see you're back to your obnoxious, repulsive self."_

"_Yeah, sure. No thanks to you. What kinda' priest are you anyway? Don't you have any damn compassion?"_

"_I don't have enough to go around wasting it on you." Sanzo took the statue and walked away, Gojyo bitched about what a pain he was, and that was their odd way of making up, I realized._

_Goku's reaction was more candid. He'd flung his arms around Gojyo's neck and told him not to act crazy anymore._

_Gojyo tousled his hair, "Sorry I scared ya', kid. Won't happen again."_

Then everything was back to the way it was supposed to be. Until today. Today…

My heart began to pound, because I knew that something was terribly wrong. If only I could remember what had happened.

I twisted my head around to look down at my arm. It was injured in some manner or other, my sleeve torn off at the seam of the shoulder and someone had applied a rough bandage, but some blood was staining it now. Had I wrapped my own arm at some point?

…_rough but steady hands…_

Shaking my weary head, I tried to think, struggling to trace back through my memories.

The mission. That's where all of this had begun…or, at least, it was the only clear memory I had at the moment…

* * *

><p>"It's certainly been a long time since you had any work for us to do, Sanzo. Two months?"<p>

Sanzo looked at me, face emotionless, eyes perfectly serious, "Nothing's come up."

"It was nice, nothin' coming up like that." Gojyo snorted, scraping his cigarette butt out on Sanzo's wall.

"Would you _not_ do that?" Sanzo snapped. "This is a temple, asshole."

"What? Oh, sorry. The way you sling those nasty words around, I thought maybe we were in a nightclub."

Sanzo glared at him, but didn't say anything else, and that surprised me, because normally he was all too willing to bite Gojyo's head off. He turned to me again, "Nothing has come up. Besides, I wanted to make sure everyone was in their right mind before sending you to do this."

"What?" Gojyo squawked, before I could reply. "That shit again? For the last time, I was drugged! I-"

"I didn't mean _you_, necessarily, dumb ass. There are other people in the world, you know."

And then, for some reason, the way he met my gaze, I got the feeling he meant me. He wanted to make sure _I_ was in my right mind. But why? I'd never shown any signs of serious instability in the past, and these days, I was dealing with Kanan's death well enough that, for the most part, my friends wouldn't notice if anything were amiss.

I pretended I didn't understand his gist, smiled, "Everyone's feeling fine, Sanzo. We began our day with a very hardy breakfast of bacon and eggs with orange juice, and then we jogged all the way here—goodness knows we wouldn't want to get out of shape, waiting on you."

"Great." He snorted, sitting back in his chair, "Everybody's a smart ass today."

"Not me." Gojyo shot back. "I'm a _dumb _ass, remember? You just said so."

Sanzo merely shook his head. He looked…not quite upset. A little vaguely distressed, perhaps?

"Shall we get back on track?" I suggested. "We're both in perfect health—mentally and otherwise—so what is it you need us to do?"

Sanzo didn't answer for a long while. He was staring out the window now.

"Yeah, let's hear it." Gojyo insisted, lighting another cigarette.

Still, Sanzo said nothing.

We exchanged glances.

"Sanzo?"

"There's a village." He said at last. "Almost twenty miles north east of here."

"Twenty miles? Shit."

"Sanzo. You're referring to Tai-Ping village, aren't you?"

"Have you been there?" He gave me another serious look.

"No, but I've heard of it. In any case, it's not on the map, but I don't think we'll have trouble reaching it, seeing how the snow's all melted."

"I need you to go there—leave today, if you can—and come straight back here. To report."

We waited patiently before I asked, "And what exactly are we looking for in this-"

The doors burst open and Goku dashed in, grinning from ear to ear, "Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, I was just packin' some food for the trip. Are we ready ta' go yet?"

"Hello, Goku." I smiled back at him, "Not yet; as of now, we're still discussing the particulars."

"Shit, _you're_ goin'?" Gojyo went over to him, putting him in a headlock and grinding his knuckles into the top of his head. "What'd we do to deserve _this_?"

"Owowowowe! Stoppit, assface! You're lucky I'm goin'!"

"How do you figure _that_ shrimpy?"

"'Cause I can keep ya' from getting your kappa butt whooped. Duh."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean, you little jerk! I-"

"The particulars." I interrupted. "And then I believe we can all be on our way."

"Goku's not going." Sanzo spoke up calmly.

The three of us turned to stare at him, and Goku demanded, "Wha? Why not?"

"Because I said so."

"Oy. What happened to 'I don't care what you do'? Your daddy instincts kicking in, Master Sanzo?"

"He's not going. That's all."

How odd, I thought. We'd all seen that Goku was more than capable of protecting himself, so why would Sanzo suddenly decide he shouldn't accompany us on a mission?

"We'll look after the little guy." Gojyo argued. "No big deal."

Sanzo fixed a very stern, almost fierce, glare on him. "I get to decide if it's a big deal or not, and for the last time, he's not going with you."

"Awwwe, I wanna' go, Sanzo! Please? I ain't a kid—I can handle it. Pleeease?"

"No. That's final."

"Sanzo?" I asked quietly, "What exactly are you wanting us to do in Tai-Ping village?"

"Just go there and look around. Come straight back."

"That's not much of an answer." Gojyo snorted.

"I can't say for sure if this will be dangerous or not, but don't ignore any possibilities." He looked at us each in turn, giving both of us the same, sharp expression, "Whatever you do, stay together."

* * *

><p>…<em>Stay together.<em>

That had been his only real 'particular' concerning our mission. He'd told us where to go and what to do—more or less—and how to act, and aside from that, ordering us to stay together, regardless of what happened, had been the only thing he'd told us to do.

Now I'd lost track of Gojyo, and my arm was injured, so the mission must have turned out to be dangerous. Not that I could remember any of it at the moment.

Sanzo had supplies already prepared for us, so we were able to set straight out from Keiun temple, and having Jeep made the journey shorter, though we had walked part of it, because it was a nice day, and Sanzo hadn't said anything about there being a hurry. We'd been stagnant for two months now, and I decided we could use the exercise, and when we reached Tai-Ping…

That's where this all started, I was sure. But I couldn't recall what had happened there.

I looked around my cell again, still jingling the handcuffs, wondering how I'd gotten here, especially when the mission wasn't supposed to be difficult or complex in anyway. Or at least, Sanzo hadn't said it would be…

_Things didn't go the way they were supposed to._ I thought.

More accurately, things must have gone terribly wrong, since I was apparently being held prisoner—by who I wasn't even sure—and Gojyo was…

_Not with me, in any case._

Neither was Jeep. Were they together? I thought they might be, but I was afraid that they weren't. I was afraid something horrible had happened to Gojyo. For several minutes, I dwelled on that. I didn't have any firm reasoning for feeling like he was in danger, other than, after what had happened with Banri two months ago, my concern for him had been unspoken, but constant. It's not really that I thought anything was wrong or that there was necessarily a reason to be concerned, which was why I kept it to myself, for the most part, but he'd scared me while he was under the influence of the phencyclidine, even more than I'd admitted to, and I suppose that intense worry had been difficult to shake.

_Still, he would be with me now, wouldn't he?_

Or else he was locked up somewhere else.

The thought gave me motivation, and I got to my feet, arm and head aching with the motion. Nothing was going to be solved sitting here wondering about it, so the obvious answer was to get up and begin working on a plan of some sort..

First, I looked at the handcuffs. They were cheap if nothing else, and definitely not official, but they were still troublesome. I wished I could remember who had slapped them on me, and why.

I looked at the keyhole, noticing that it was as cheap and simple as the rest of the handcuffs. With the proper amount of leverage, I could likely bust the lock, but that would require something to jam into it.

No, this would take a more refined type of skill.

Twisting my body, I contorted until I could reach into my right pant pocket, dug inside for several frustrating moments. I'd taken a correspondence class in lock-picking, but I had never dreamed it might be useful, until I started running errands for Sanzo, that is, and even then, when I'd first started taking on these odd, little jobs, I hadn't thought I'd need to pick locks. I think it wasn't until Gojyo and I had been locked up by the slave traders that I'd thought I might need to pick a lock, and so I'd started carrying one with me whenever we went out on a job. Never the less, it had still taken almost three years for me to find myself in a position where it was going to be a skill I was glad to have learned.

I successfully found the pin, and then I patiently inserted it into the handcuff lock, prodding around and pushing and twisting before I heard the lock snap open, and I was able to remove the manacles. I let them drop noisily, and then stood there, rubbing my wrists.

The first step was done, but I knew getting out of here was going to be more difficult. I doubled checked the room, to make sure I hadn't missed anything skirted the walls, running my hands along them, looking for anything at all that might help me escape, but they were flawless, all four of them.

No window. There was an air vent, but it was much too small to fit through. That left only the door.

Wouldn't it be nice to know who had placed me in this room in the first place? Or why for that matter? We weren't supposed to have run into any conflict at Tai-Ping Village—Sanzo would have mentioned that.

_Then what did we see there?_

I paused at the door, trying the knob for the sake of being thorough, and when I found it locked, I pressed myself against the smooth, cold steel, slowed my breathing so I could listen for some sign of where I was, or at least some sign of Gojyo.

Everything was perfectly still; I didn't hear so much as the sound of dripping water, and there was definitely no indication that Gojyo was out there.

So what were my options now? It didn't look as if I were getting out by myself. I assumed that meant I had to wait—at some point, someone would open that door, perhaps the person who'd put me in here to begin with, in which case, I'd have the opportunity I needed to give them a piece of my mind. Or, perhaps, if I were lucky, my partner would come to free me..

I slunk back to the other side of the room and slid to the floor with a sigh. Waiting was certainly not my favorite occupation, but at the moment, it was my only choice. I had no idea how long I'd be there waiting, but my best chance was that my concern for Gojyo was just the remnants of how badly I'd been worried about him two months ago, and in fact, he was perfectly safe somewhere, and before long, he was going to throw the door open himself, grin at me, and say something infuriatingly understated, such as 'been waiting long?' or perhaps 'ready to go home?'

I wouldn't know how long I'd been waiting, but as the hours stretched, and I closed my eyes, listening and trying not to worry too much, it occurred to me that I'd more than likely been in this room a long time already. My throat and mouth felt dry, my body was dehydrated, and even the blood on my bandages was old. I could have been in this cell for half the day, or longer, before I even came to. If that were true, it seemed like Gojyo would have come for me by now, if he were going to at all. If he were _able_ to. That didn't help my worry in the slightest.

_What happened to him?_ I opened my eyes again, trying to remember something. Anything at all…

* * *

><p>We walked along the road, side by side, Gojyo with his hands locked behind his head, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and all of this was positively commonplace after three years.<p>

"…I'm just sayin', it's sorta' weird, don't you think? Sanzo's never gone outta' his way to tell us to stay together before. He's always all 'I don't care' and 'I'll kill you' and stuff."

I was pretending that order didn't bother me in the slightest, when in fact, the moment he'd uttered it, I'd become flooded with overwhelming anxiety. What did Sanzo know that he wasn't telling us? Why did he want to know if we—particularly me—were in good mental health? Most importantly, why did he think it prudent to warn us to stay together?

I chanced a glance at Gojyo. Was there some reason I should be keeping an eye on him that perhaps Sanzo knew about? How could that be? I lived with him—everything had seemed fine ever since we resolved the issue with Banri. Was Sanzo concerned about _me_ for some reason? Could it even be possible that the mission we were embarking on was more dangerous than any other we'd faced in the past, and it was absolutely mandatory that we keep an eye on one another?

_We always do._ I told myself. In three years, we'd come to be rather expert at watching over one another—when one was weak, perhaps not at his best, the other could sense it, acted accordingly, and in that way, with that sense, we'd guided each other through dozens of dangerous situations. These days, so much as one going somewhere without the other was odd. In fact, ever since we sent Banri on his way, Gojyo had been going out less, and I'd been going with him more often. I didn't think it was exactly because we were worried about each other, or because we were afraid to be apart, but because it was natural to be side by side. It was comfortable knowing that if something went wrong, even if it was as insignificant as someone trying to shortchange us at the grocery store, we were both there, two fully-functioning parts of what was truly a force to be reckoned with.

"It all seems rather routine to me." I tried to sound unbothered and sincere, reached up to scratch Jeep's head, marveled at the sky and how flawlessly blue it looked, with speckles of white clouds strewn across it. The sun was a glossy, warm ball, and the air was sweet.

Gojyo looked at me a long moment, like perhaps he could feel the untruth in my voice.

"The mission at least. Investigating a village is hardly unusual for us."

"What the hell are we investigating it for though? That's what I wanna' know. And here's another thing—what was his big deal with Goku not coming? Goku's come with us before, and Sanzo's never said a word."

That was odd too. Sanzo wasn't the type to be paternal or to worry, but I had thought, judging by the way he'd acted while we were discussing it, that it didn't exactly seem like he was trying to protect Goku from anything. Did he think Goku would get in the way? It had almost felt as if he were trying to protect the mission from Goku, or, even stranger, _us_.

"I think we'd do best not to worry about it. Clearly the only thing we can do is to go up there and see what there is to see, and of course, be prepared for anything."

"Yeah, I guess. It just bothers me how vague he was. He didn't even tell us what we're looking for over here."

I felt the wind blowing gently through my hair and clothes, "Well let's be thankful that we have such a lovely day to be running such a vague errand."

"When I think of all the things I could be doing instead…" He grumbled.

"Nonsense. On a normal day you'd still be in bed at this hour."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Come now, look on the bright side. Whatever we're doing, I expect it will be simple, seeing how he did give us such indistinct orders…"

"Hell. Did he even say anything about reimbursing us?"

"No, now that you mention it…he didn't. I'm not sure he means to."

"You mean I'm doing this for _free_?"

"If it's as simple as walking to Tai-Ping on a beautiful day just to take a look around and go back to Keiun temple, I'd say that's fair. Of course, I suppose we can argue the point with Sanzo, if it's necessary. I'll leave that to you, since you're bound to argue with him no matter what we encounter up here."

"Right? If it's a village full of sexy virgins I'm gonna' bitch his ear off for expecting us to do this for free."

"Ah. Well, just so you're aware, it isn't. Tai-Ping is a village full of youkai."

"Figures."

"Would you like a brief history lesson?"

"No."

"Tai-Ping was built a long time ago, high in the mountains. A small band of youkai started it out of the desire to be free from the prejudices of the world, and today, all the inhabitants there are strictly youkai, all of whom have chosen to isolate themselves from the rest of Shangri-La. It was built for that sole purpose in fact."

"Sounds like a great place." He puffed.

"Last I heard, there was a small number of hanyou living there as well—two or three perhaps—though…I don't think they're exactly considered full members of society."

I didn't worry about offending him. We'd been around each other long enough that we'd finally reached a point where I could say such things—occasionally—and not risk insulting or bothering him. Still, I knew better than to bring it up frequently.

"Oh yeah?"

Of course, he was still very tightlipped about the subject.

I smiled. "Just a brief history lesson."

Laughing, he shook his head, "Damn, dude. I don't think I'll ever know so much about nothing if I live for a hundred years."

"At the rate that you smoke, you probably won't."

* * *

><p><em>Why did I say that to him?<em>

It was a typical, playful jab—I hadn't meant anything more malicious by it than I had the past thousand times I'd said it to him—'you'll probably die of lung cancer before you turn thirty' and whatnot, but this time…

_It's just that I don't know where he is…_

That didn't mean he was dead though.

I glanced around the room. Since there was no window, I had no way of knowing how long I'd been here or even what time of day it was, but I knew it had been hours since I woke up, and Gojyo still hadn't come.

_If he's dead, it has nothing to do with what you said to him about smoking._

No, he wasn't dead. He was elsewhere, but not dead.

Beyond my cell door now, I heard something. Heavy, footsteps, boots drumming on the blank floor, and all I knew for sure was that it wasn't Gojyo. After living with him for three years, I knew the casual, unhurried way he walked, and the rhythm of his steps, caused by having such long legs. This person sounded substantially shorter and heavier and likely older than Gojyo.

_Where in the world is he?_

At the moment, I had a more pressing question, and that was, who else might be coming? Some sort of jailer or turnkey? Perhaps someone bringing me a meal.

I stepped back to inspect the door again, but I didn't see any sort of slot one might so much as look through, and in that case, if they were going to feed me, or simply check to see if I'd woken up, they were going to have to open the door.

Quickly, I caught the handcuffs up, and then slid quietly to the side so that, should the door be opened, I would be behind it, just out of sight.

My heart was racing again; this was an old trick, something any intelligent warden would be on the lookout for, and still I knew that if I moved fast enough, and didn't so much as hesitate, I could gain the upper hand.

_And once I'm out of this place, I'll find Gojyo._

_I'll make sure to repay him properly for making me worry._

If he's still alive…

I shook my head, a disgusting taste invading my mouth. Where had such a morbid thought come from? Of course he was alive.

Now I saw the doorknob rattle, I heard someone jangle their keys, and then, very slowly, the doorknob began to turn.

I stood stiff and alert, ready to strike.

At first, the door was only open a couple of inches, likely just wide enough for someone to stick their nose through. There was a second or two of silence, and than a lowly uttered curse. The door opened a little further, and a man stuck his head through, turned to look right at me.

"Hello."

His eyes bulged so far I thought they'd pop out, but it was the only thought I had a moment to consider.

I grabbed a fistful of the thinning, flaky mop of hair on top of his head, dragged him into the room with me before he could make a sound, shut the door behind him. It might be wise to keep him conscious for questioning. But I didn't want to give him the chance to scream. Once I got out of here, I could find someone else to question, but at the moment, my priority was to escape from this cell.

_And then I'll find Gojyo and give him a piece of my mind._

The man was just beginning to scream, but he only made it half-way through a squeak before I threw him, head first, into the far wall, and he slumped to the floor, heavy and quiet.

Easier than I expected.

I crouched beside him to look him over. Middle-aged. Somewhat pudgy. I saw that he was human, did a quick check to make sure he wasn't wearing a limiter, but he was definitely human.

That would explain it.

I patted him down, searching for any sort of weapons, but the only thing he had was a thick, round club hooked to his side, a tin of tobacco, a handful of yen, and a key in one hand. Apparently he'd come here assuming I'd either be unconscious still, or at the very least, still chained up.

A typical case of ignorance.

Still, a human…

He wasn't wearing any sort of uniform, just a ragged, brown shirt, faded trousers, and black boots he hadn't even bothered to polish. He looked as unofficial as the handcuffs I'd woken up in, which I now slapped onto his own wrists, after I'd twisted his arms behind his back.

Why would a normal human have bothered to capture me? Better still, how could he have succeeded?

What did he do with Gojyo?

I rolled the man onto his back and looked into his scruffy, saggy face, and then I remembered something else…

That look on Gojyo's face when we were in Tai-Ping village…he looked so horrified…

But what about? I couldn't remember what we had seen there that had gotten him to make that rare, disturbed face any better than I could remember where he'd gone.

I stepped out of my cell, carefully, looking first left and then right, stood there a while, unable to make sense of where I was. It was dark, with just a few weak lights running the length of the ceiling, and there were more rooms, just as blank and odd as my own. It didn't seem like much of a prison though. The dirty floors were beige tiling, and the walls were painted white. They seemed sturdy enough, but it was less than ominous. The other doors I saw were boarded up here and there, as if parts of them had been made of glass. To me, it looked like a school, or perhaps an office building.

"What am I doing here?" I rubbed my forehead.

In any case, there wasn't much time to sit and try to figure it out. I needed to find Gojyo and get out of here.

A while longer I stood there. Where would he be? If I had to guess, I'd assume he was in one of the cells near me. If not…

_If not, I'll deal with that when I come to it. For now, the only thing I can do is check and make sure._

I pulled the keys I'd gotten off the man I'd knocked out from my pocket and approached the first door across the hall from mine; I had to try a few keys before I finally found the one that fit, and by then the suspense was killing me.

"Gojyo?"

I heard a muffled response inside, someone shifting back and forth on the floor.

"Gojyo!" I flung the door open.

Inside, the room was blank, just as blank as my own, only it had a few windows that had been boarded up and covered with a stretch of chicken wire. A man was lying on the floor, wrists and ankles bound by chains, tape over his mouth. I saw from his sharp ears and intricate markings that he was a youkai.

He wasn't Gojyo.

While he was writhing back and forth on the floor, I stood in the doorway, checking all four corners of the room, just to make sure my room mate really wasn't there; nothing but a pile of broken glass and the man on the floor.

Finally, I knelt next to him, "Excuse me for my intrusion, but you haven't seen a man with red hair anywhere, have you?" I tore the tape off, in too much of a hurry to be delicate.

As soon as the tape was gone, the man lunged at me, gnashing his teeth and snarling, spittle dripping from his lips and chin. I was so surprised, I barely had time to get away from him, and he nearly ripped into my arm with those brilliant, white fangs.

Even when I was up on my feet, he was insistent. He got up too, stumbling and coming at me, tongue lolling, snapping and growling like a rabid beast.

"Sir?" I took a step back toward the door, now sensing something odd in the air. A powerful, latent energy, like moisture in the sky just before a rainstorm. It was dark and harsh and strong, and it took me a moment to realize that it was the man's aura, drifting through the atmosphere, dangerous and charged. It seemed…familiar somehow.

_Tai-Ping village…_

_Gojyo and I round the corner of the house. I can already feel something is wrong._

_"That smell. Hakkai…that smell…"_

_"It's…"_

_Blood. Decay. Rotten Flesh._

_"Shit…who would…"_

_Who would do such a thing?_

_Those people…_

Rubbing my head, I took another step away from the man. "Sir, what on earth is wrong with you?"

He continued coming at me, hopping and shuffling with the manacles on his ankles, not making any effort to communicate.

I stood watching him another blank moment. I wasn't necessarily afraid for my life, seeing how I could knock him over easily; in fact, I could kill him with ease. _However, I don't understand. I don't understand what's going on._

_What did Gojyo and I find in that village?_

_Where is Gojyo now?_

More worried than ever, I threw the door closed again, not bothering to lock it. If the man escaped, more power to him, although I felt that perhaps he had more reason to be locked up than I did.

What in the world was going on? If only I could remember something.

I stopped to lean against the wall, touching my head carefully. There was a lump on the back of my skull, just above the nape of my neck. For the life of me, I couldn't recall how that happened, but clearly it was the source of my mild amnesia. Not a very big deal; chances were, my memories would return with time.

_It will be a very big deal if this bout of forgetfulness costs Gojyo his life._

That thought drove me on, and I continued down the hall, checking door after door, growing a little desperate each time I opened one, because it was never Gojyo. Every new door I unlocked revealed another youkai, bound, gagged and apparently mad. Before long, I gave up on removing their gags, observed their violent thrashing, and shut the door again. What in the world was causing them to behave so irrationally? They all acted as if they wanted to kill me.

Well, not all of them, I suppose. There were a few who laid docilely on the floor, apparently asleep, or else drugged with some-

_Drugged?_

…Such an ugly word…drugged…

Again, I shook my head, feeling more distressed than ever. "Where in the world _are_ you?"

* * *

><p>Ahead of us, I could see the town. It was very small—barely big enough to accommodate the two-hundred people who were rumored to live there—but I saw that a few more homes were still in the process of being built. We were standing a top a ridge, just half a mile away. Tai-Ping was set back against a tall peak of the mountain, surrounded by towering, cliff walls on three sides, with a thick forest guarding the fourth perimeter. There was a large lake near the middle of the town, which many homes were structured around, and a river ran through the center of it, flowing into the lake. The houses looked simple and clean, made mostly of bamboo, and over all, everything looked peaceful.<p>

"So the youkai who built this place wanted to be isolated from the whole outside world, or were they just sick of being treated like shit by the humans?" Gojyo asked, as we began our descent down from the ridge.

It was an odd thing for him to ask. "The world in general, I believe."

"They're just sick of all the modern bullshit or something?"

"Perhaps. I mean, it could be they're specifically trying to stay away from humans, seeing how they don't allow any to live in their village, but I don't think that humans really treat youkai all that badly."

"You don't?"

"No. Not especially. Don't get me wrong, there's enough racism to go around between both groups, but I personally don't believe the youkai are so badly treated that they need to isolate themselves from humans. It's more likely that this place is inhabited by people who are inclined to be a bit anti-social to begin with. If anything, they want some privacy in a isolated, exclusive community."

He walked a ways without answering, "So…you're sayin' a human could live here if he wanted, as long as he had the right, 'I'm a hermit too' attitude?"

"I don't know that a human would want to do that." We were just outside the town now, and I was struck by just how quiet it really was. I didn't hear so much as one voice lofting through the air. We passed a sign that read clearly in Mandarin, 'No outsiders' "You know." I added musingly, "The two races aren't necessarily meant to mix."

Gojyo gave me a strange look. Not quite offended, but astonished—as if he hadn't expected to hear that out of me—and confused, not sure how to respond.

I corrected myself immediately, "Excuse me, that's not exactly what I meant."

"No, you're right. I know."

"I mean, that's what _some_ people believe. I don't have those inhibitions, personally: what I should have said was that-"

"Forget it, Hakkai. I know that's not what you think; it's probably true though." He threw his cigarette down and kept walking.

I couldn't quite tell if I'd upset him. Perhaps not, but I was really pushing it making those type of comments twice in the same day. I decided it was best to let it go, knowing that's what he would be striving to do as well.

We walked a long ways up the dirt path, the forest humming around us, the bamboo rustling with wildlife, birds singing cheerfully. The area was secure and calm, and we continued to make casual conversation until we came to a long, tall fence. It was made of wood, but it was structured so that it was still a troublesome obstacle, and there was a guard station there so that 'outsiders' could be investigated, and then, either allowed in, or sent away. Oddly enough, the station was empty, and it hardly mattered, because the fence had been broken in several areas, as if someone had simply plowed right through it. We gave each other a bewildered look, and then, I followed him through one of the gaps, careful not to get any splinters in the process.

That was an unusual sight, I thought, but I still wasn't concerned. At first.

We strode into town, and for an unexplained reason, my heart had already begun to hammer.

The town was so quiet, I could have heard a pin drop. The streets were empty—I didn't see a single soul so much as sitting on their porch—save for a wagon that had been tipped onto its side somehow, the wheel spinning around and around. There was litter everywhere, blowing down the road, and I heard a cow lowing somewhere in the distance, sounding as if it needed to be milked. I still didn't see a single person, but there were strange sights all over town: broken glass scattered here and there, an unmanned donkey cart with the animal still standing patiently, waiting. I stepped over a tall jug of water that had been tipped, most of the contents soaked up into the ground, with just a little gathered still at the lip. None of the houses were active—all of them looked empty—and a few of them had the front doors flung wide open, flapping back and forth in the breeze. A floppy hat with a wide brim blew across the road at our feet, and the only noise to be heard was the birdsong in the surrounding trees, the constant, sparkling sound of a few dozen wind chimes, and our own shoes crunching on the gravel.

Aside from that, there was also a horrible feeling in the air, almost like suspense, as if the world was going to collapse in around me. It was a heaviness, a darkness that was almost tangible, accompanied by a sense of foreboding I couldn't quite identify. A chill sped up my spine.

"Damn, this place is totally dead." Gojyo commented, kicking at a tin can. "I mean, being anti-social is one thing, but it looks like they don't even leave their houses."

I stopped. There was a basket lying at my feet—it looked hand-woven, made with broad strips of bamboo, tipped over so that the contents, fruit and some bread, had spilled out. The fruit was bruised, but the bread hadn't begun to mold yet, and the fact that the birds hadn't eaten it made me feel that it hadn't been there all that long. Or else the birds were afraid to get near it for some reason.

The tension in the air felt tight enough to snap.

"It's more than that, Gojyo. It seems as if the town has been completely abandoned."

"You're right." He was turning around and around, looking unnerved. "Where'd they all go?"

Another chill crept over my neck, and this time I shivered, "Do you feel that?"

"Feel what?"

"Something happened here. Something horrible…"

* * *

><p><em>…Something is wrong.<em> I thought, as I approached yet another door. By this time, I had all but given hope that Gojyo might be behind any of them. In fact, I was certain he wasn't—he was somewhere else, very far away, and I couldn't let go of the feeling that he was in extreme danger.

_Maybe he's dead_. I thought, opening the door, but I couldn't stand to entertain such a terrible thought for very long.

_He has to be alive. He was right next to me…_

Right next to me when…

The moment the door was open, someone caught me by the collar of the shirt and pulled me inside. I was so lost in thought, I wasn't even expecting it—not to mention every other door I'd opened had contained a bound and crazed youkai.

I was slammed back against the wall, the wind knocked out of me, and then I felt the razor-sharp edge of a weapon pressed coldly to my throat.

"Go-jyo…" I coughed.

It wasn't him. I was really beginning to wonder what had become of him, because even now, I hadn't found him. Instead, I was being pinned to the wall by a woman, a youkai woman no less, with pale, blue eyes and long, dirty-blonde hair. Her teeth were bared, and there was a small mark just under her left eye, but she didn't look insane like the others had.

The woman snarled at me for a second, and then hesitated to sniff at me in a very animal-like gesture, raised a questioning eyebrow at me. "Who are you? You're not a human."

"M-my name is Cho Hakkai." I sputtered, still catching my breath. "I'm a prisoner here, as you are."

She looked at me with interest, drawing her weapon away, and for the first time I saw that it had been a long, ragged shard of glass. She held it at the ready, just in case, but I could see that she was relaxed by the fact that I was another youkai. "You escaped?"

"From my own cell at least."

"Then what are you still doing here?" Her voice was harsh again.

"I have reason to believe a friend of mine is here as well…and I have reason to believe he's injured, or something. I need to find him."

The woman took a step away from me, and I saw her slight frame, wrapped in men's clothing: a rough, gray shirt much too large for her, and ragged jeans; she had no shoes. Her long, braided hair made me think of Kanan. "I was afraid that you might be releasing the others."

"Others? Are you referring to the rest of the youkai imprisoned here?"

She nodded, "That would be a very unwise decision, Cho Hakkai."

"I gathered that myself, miss…"

"Wen." She bowed gracefully, lowering the glass finally. "I'm sorry if I scared you."

"No, not at all. I just wasn't expecting to be confronted."

"I wasn't expecting anyone else to be clever enough to escape. It seems that they've all lost their minds."

"Yes, I noticed. Do you know what's wrong with them?"

Biting her lip, Wen shook her head.

"Well, have you at least some idea of where we are?"

"No. Not exactly. I have reason to believe we're a few miles from a place known as Tai-Ping village…but I have no way of knowing for sure."

I stared hard at her, then asked, just to be certain I'd heard correctly, "Tai-Ping village, you said?"

"You've heard of Tai-Ping?"

"I was just there…I'm not sure when it was now, but my friend and I were there, investigating-"

"Investigating? The disappearances?"

_Disappearances?_

The village was abandoned, but…

"No. I have no idea what we were meant to be looking for, but…it certainly was an empty place, and we found…"

I had to stop myself, because I wasn't sure what we had found, only that it was gory and horrible.

Wen waited patiently for me to finish before she said, "I've been investigating the disappearances myself. Several of my cousins lived there: they vanished with the other residents."

"How odd. Do you have any idea where they might have gone?"

She nodded again, but this time there was something hard in her eyes; I stared at them—I had never seen such beautiful, pale eyes. "I do know. They're right here, in this very building, with us."

"These people? The others in the cells? They're the residents of Tai-Ping village?"

"Some of them are, I think."

_What does that have to do with what we found up there?_

"In that case, if you aren't opposed to the idea, we can forge a team effort to look for your kin. I think it might be best if we stay together."

"I agree. Only, I don't think there's anything we can do for my kin now. I was planning to break out of this place and try to find help."

"However, you must consider that if we find them, we can all escape together. I haven't seen too many guards around."

"Yes, but there's a chance my kin won't be able to help us—or they may not want to."

That was very true, if they were insane or unconscious like the others I'd seen so far. But Gojyo…

"My friend. He must be here somewhere. I can't leave him behind."

Wen gave me a quizzical look, "Your friend. I assume he's a youkai like us then."

"No." I admitted, a little unsure of why she was asking. "Not exactly."

"A human then?"

I hesitated a while, wondering if she would lose any desire to help me if I told her the truth; in the end, it seemed I had no choice. "He's half…. Half of each."

Wen wrinkled her nose, but only very slightly, and instead of commenting, she said, "Your friend isn't here, Cho Hakkai." and then she turned to the door, opening it slowly and looking out before exiting the room.

I yanked the keys from the doorknob and followed her, "You sound very sure of yourself, Miss Wen. How would you know where my friend is?"

"He's a half-blood. The humans who brought us here have been roaming the local area, arresting any youkai they find and bringing them here, but no one is sure why."

"I see." Then I shouldn't be too alarmed at finding myself here. It seemed many of my kind had met with the same fate.

I glanced around the dim corridor as we continued to walk. Wen went quickly, but softly, and I too was practiced at moving through the shadows undetected.

None of this explained what had become of Gojyo.

"Then my friend…? You mean to say they haven't been capturing any children of taboo?"

"Children of taboo are exceedingly rare, I'm sure you know."

"Yes, of course. Until recently, I'd only met one."

"Several were living in Tai-Ping village, however. A couple—brother and sister. I'm not sure how they got there or why they stayed—as I understand it, they were treated badly by the youkai living there—but when the humans came, they killed them."

…killed…

The word drifted through my consciousness like a cloud of acid rain. It was a terrible word to hear…I would have given anything to knock it out of my brain.

Suddenly all I could hear was a voice calling out to me from the past…

_Gojyo…_

Granted, I knew something had happened to him, and I thought he might need my help, wherever he was, but he couldn't be dead. Could he?

Suddenly my feet felt very heavy, and my head was light.

_Gojyo…can't be dead._

There was no guarantee that he was.

Wen switched topics, "I'm sorry to be the bearer of such bad news, but my point is, you're wasting your time searching for a hanyou in this place. I have no idea where your friend is, but I know he's not here."

"And you don't want to look for your kin at all?"

She hesitated to look over her shoulder at me, her eyes softening slightly, and the expression reminded me of Kanan, "I…don't have any hope for them, Cho Hakkai. No more than you have for your hanyou."

"Yes, but…it doesn't feel right. Leaving without searching at least a little more, that is."

"No." She replied very softly, "I agree." Then she continued to walk.

"You know, I was very close with my cousins. Our mothers were close, even for sisters, and my cousins and I were raised almost like siblings ourselves, but when I was a teenager, my aunt died—killed by a gang of young humans."

I remembered, somewhat unhappily, what I had told Gojyo about humans not treating youkai very badly. I knew it was a sentiment I held mostly because of what had become of Kanan, but then again, I had very little proof that it wasn't true.

Wen had proof, I suppose.

"How terrible." I murmured.

"It was awful. Our whole family was shattered by her death, and when the funeral was over, and a few months had passed, my uncle decided it was in his family's best interest to move away. Some place safe. Peaceful. He took my cousins and moved them to Tai-Ping, and I've only seen them a handful of times since then."

I thought of how brutally heart-wrenching it was to be separated from someone you loved, particularly when it wasn't necessarily a separation you welcomed. My parents had left me behind, they had taken Kanan from me, and it had taken years for me to find so much as a shred of what had been my family. By then, I was so estranged from what the sense of what family truly was, I hadn't even considered the consequences of our romantic relationship. Perhaps she'd still be alive now though, if I had.

In some ways, I felt as confounded by family as Gojyo did by love. In my mind, it hardly made sense, because my memories of such a thing were so scattered and indistinguishable.

"I've gone to Tai-Ping a few times to visit them, you know. Just to see if they were alright, but…well…I had my chance to live there too. I got in good with the locals. I met with the son of the village elder, and he even invited me to live there."

"That rarely happens, as I understand it."

"You're right. It almost never happens. But I was invited to live in Tai-Ping."

"Why didn't you?"

Wen sighed heavily. We had come to a corner, and we stopped there a moment, listening, before she finally said, "I fell in love."

I nodded. "Of course."

"I…I don't know if he would have gone with me. My Hachi was a sweet man, but he was opinionated, headstrong, and brave. I didn't think he'd want to live in Tai-Ping, because he was a warrior at heart, and he didn't see any need to hide from the rest of the world. I never asked him. I didn't get the chance."

I waited. I didn't want to hear what she was going to tell me, because I already knew it was too close to home.

At last she said simply, "I waited too long, is all. Now my Hachi is gone, and by the time I went back to Tai-Ping, it was…it was just too late."

"You couldn't have known."

I meant it to be comforting and kindly, but Wen gave me a strange look over her shoulder, frowned slightly, and even that made me think of Kanan. "I'm sorry to trouble you with any of this, Hakkai-san. I barely know you."

Wen took a tentative glance around the corner, and then continued to walk, "If you want to look for your hanyou, in spite of what I said, feel free. I'll look for a way out. If you like, I can wait for you a while, but…I don't think either of us should stay very long."

I lingered a bit myself, watching her go, and as she walked away, something about that image of her brought memories of Kanan back to me in vivid color and sound.

_"Gonou!" She was running ahead of me, smiling back at me, her hair flying loosely around her shoulders and hips, "I'll race you home."_

_We'd only lived in our house for a few days, but we both felt at home enough. Kanan was a bright spark of spirit and warmth in my life. My love. My family. She was everything to me._

_I shook my head, content to play the sensible one._

I'm always the sensible one.

_"Now, now, darling. You wouldn't want to trip and tear your dress."_

_She stopped and faced me, hands on her hips, disapprovingly, a pretend pout on her lips, her green eyes shining in the sunlight, "Oh, you're no fun, Gonou. And you always talk to me like I'm a child."_

_I took her hand in mine, lifting it to my lips, "Nonsense. I talk to you as if I love you."_

_Kanan flashed her smile at me, "So we'll walk then, if you like. Today at least. But one of these days, we will race."_

_"Yes, yes. Of course we will."_

_I never wanted to let go of her hand._

"I'm coming with you." I called to Wen. "Please wait."

"What about your hanyou?"

"My hanyou." I scoffed, wondering how he'd take to being referred to that way, "You seem rather certain he's not here. Perhaps my best chance at finding him is to retrace my steps."

"That might mean going back to Tai-Ping." She sounded almost as if she were warning me.

"Yes, I think you're right."

"I don't think that would be…smart."

I didn't think so either, although I couldn't remember why yet, but once again, it was my only choice. "It's a risk I'll have to take."

Wen met my gaze, more seriously than ever, "Did you _see_ what's become of that place, Hakkai-san?"

"Perhaps…well, yes, but…"

_Wait… What _did_ we find there?_

* * *

><p>Gojyo and I walked quickly—no, we were running. Running back down the mountain, darting around boulders and logs and any other obstacles that happened to be in our path.<p>

"What the hell do you think that was, Hakkai?"

"I really can't say."

"I've never seen anything like that before." He admitted.

I answered him grimly, "At least now we know why Sanzo wanted us to come take a look."

"We do? I don't. I don't even know what the hell we just saw. How does something like that happen?"

"I'm not sure." I felt like I was lying to him when I said that; I was sure I had seen something like that before, and frequently.

"Someone killed those people though, right? Some sick fuck of a murderer."

"So it would seem."

"Whatever, I just wanna' go home and forget it."

"That may not be possible. Sanzo sent us up here to see what is going on in that village, and I highly doubt he'll let us off the hook before we have all the facts."

"Dammit."

"Someone must have done that on purpose. Disturbing as it is to say out loud, that is not the sort of thing that happens on its own."

"Couldn't an animal have done it?"

"I don't think any animal would have left such a mess. At least not in that manner."

"We could just tell Sanzo it was an animal." He smiled half-heartedly.

"What a good idea. That might postpone our investigation just long enough for the exact same thing to happen in our town."

"Shit. I want offa' this mountain—if we're gonna' be fighting crazy axe-murderers, I at least wanna' know about it in advance."

"I'd prefer to never have to face the responsible party."

"No shit. It's totally psycho—woah!"

Gojyo came to a sudden halt, sliding on the loose ground, and I had to leap to the side to avoid running into him.

"What did you stop for?" I demanded with barely concealed irritation. "Need I remind you, it's imperative that we contact Sanzo as quickly as-"

"Yeah, but look."

I looked ahead to where some men were emerging out of the trees ahead of us. They looked to be human, and there were only a handful of them, but they were walking toward us deliberately, circling around us so that our path was cut off, and I saw that they had weapons.

Jeep landed on my shoulder momentarily, and immediately took off again, circling around and around in the air with a series of shrill cries.

I felt it again, that heavy feeling in the air again; the same feeling I'd gotten in Tai-Ping village. That sense of danger and blood lust. I wanted to get away from that feeling; I needed to.

The two of us stood still, watching them approach. "Perhaps…" I mused quietly, so only he could hear me, "They're just a hunting party."

"Hunting what?" He asked nervously.

"Who could say? Big game, hopefully."

He threw down his cigarette, and I noticed it was only half-smoked, oddly enough.

"Evening boys." A man near the front said, when he was closer. He was in his mid forties, stocky, with a scraggly beard and rough, dirty clothes. The others didn't look much better. Some of them had scars or open wounds. They all looked as if they'd been wandering in the wilderness for weeks. "Well, well, well, what have we here?"

"Who're you?" Gojyo demanded.

"Heh. Not much manners in this one, huh, men?"

"Excuse us, sir." I stepped forward, hoping they'd let me through, but they had formed a wall, all lined up around us, "I apologize for the brevity, but we're on official business. If you don't mind, please step aside."

They laughed amongst themselves and murmured.

The man out in front pointed a long, jagged tanto knife at me. "You're awfully well-spoken for a common youkai, aren't you, boy?"

His words were like ice tumbling down the back of my shirt, "I beg your pardon? That's rather rude, sir."

"Hakkai." Gojyo grabbed my arm, "Let's just get outta' here."

I didn't see where he expected us to go—we were sufficiently surrounded.

At any rate, the man was smiling, viciously now, "Most youkai aren't very well educated. Most youkai are stupid. Brutal. Monsters."

"Well, sir, I've certainly met with my share of un-educated humans in my life." I answered as calmly as I could, but I was feeling some pain now as I remembered how it had been to be human, a teenager, attending a prestigious research school. I'd had the world at my finger tips, with nothing to lose, and yet, I couldn't have known how much there really was I could have stripped from me.

"Those're some fine power limiters you're wearing." He said, advancing a little further. "At least they seem to hold you to your sanity alright."

Unconsciously, I raised a hand to touch the cuffs, "They do as they were meant to do."

The man guffawed lowly, then set his sights on Gojyo, "You. You're not wearing a power limiter, are you? You're not a youkai."

Gojyo was smoking again, "That's right."

"But…you ain't human either."

"That's crazy. What else would I-"

"You're neither, boy. Neither. There's no place for you in this world."

"That's some fucked up shit to say to somebody you don't even know."

"Oh, but I know you. I know both of you. Your kind are all alike—disgusting, heathenistic, cannibals."

"I'm sorry you feel that way." I took over. "As I mentioned though, we're on official business, and we're in quite a bit of a hurry. Step aside."

"I don't know where you're goin', boy, and I don't much care. Your trip ends right here."

Without warning, he sprang forward, the tanto shining in his hand.

Gojyo leapt back, the tip of his blade swiping past the end of his nose. "What the hell, asshole?"

The other humans were taking action now too, coming at us with clubs and knives and axes.

I ducked under an attack, "Well, this is certainly inconvenient."

Gojyo and I crossed paths, barely missing running into one another, but we knew well enough how to fight together after three years. "After what we saw up there, I dunno' if I feel like…dealing with this."

"I know precisely what you mean."

With a flare, he had his shakujou out, whipped it back and forth, narrowly missing taking off a couple of heads, but I could tell he'd missed on purpose, his voice seething with annoyance, "Take a hike, fuckers."

They came forward with a little more uncertainty now, but they weren't backing down. Their leader spoke up again, "Alright men, you know the drill. Let's wrap this up and head home."

A man jumped at me, trying to stab me in the shoulder; I caught his wrist, giving him a dark look as I twisted it out of place, "You'll have to be just a little faster, I'm afraid."

I pushed him away, and he fell down, screaming.

"What in the world is this about?" I wondered, as Gojyo and I took a step back, standing shoulder to shoulder.

"Hell, does it look like I know? This is pretty much the weirdest day ever."

"You have no right to attack us like this." I told the human leader. "We're minding our own business—now stop this and let us pass."

He just laughed at me, "Don't talk to me about rights, you deranged pieca' shit."

The next human almost cut me in half with his battle axe.

I was beginning to feel the touches of anger swelling up in my stomach, "As you wish. But be forewarned, _sir_, if you insist on detaining us, we'll kill you."

"Try all you want."

There was a guttural scream, a gurgling sound, and a splash of blood; I didn't have to look up to know Gojyo had decapitated a few of them, likely just to emphasize my point.

The smile all but fell off the leader's face; he snarled, "Enough screwing around. Kill them!"

After that, the fight thickened. I found myself facing five of them at once, avoiding stabs and blows and slices from weapons. My clothes were torn, but none of them were quick enough to harm me, and they were all weak enough that I could easily dispatch them. I tried not to kill any, but I didn't try very hard, and I knew that some of them were never going to wake up.

Gojyo was being twice as indelicate as I was, but I suppose, with his manner of weapon and fighting, it would be hard not to kill them. Even just cutting off a limb would condemn them to death, considering how far from civilization we were.

In a couple of minutes, we'd thinned them out considerably, but it didn't do us any good. I looked up and saw more men coming out of the woods in a wave, bringing their own weapons and crying out for blood. When we'd dealt with them, there was another wave. Apparently a whole army of humans was after us.

I stopped trying not to kill them. This was a fight of life and death.

The leader stood back, barking orders and making threats, demanding that we surrender, even though his force of men was losing. We'd killed twenty-five of them already, and I wasn't so much as breaking a sweat.

"Hey!" Gojyo yelled, his voice loud enough to be heard over everything else.

I continued to focus on the men attacking me, not even glancing at him, "What?"

"No—dammit. _Move_, stupid!"

Rather confused, I jerked my head around to look at him, noticed a gunman out of the corner of my eye, the long, black barrel of his gun pointed right at me.

A gunshot crackled and echoed through the valley.

I sprang back.

The bullet missed my chest—where he'd been aiming, presumably—and hit me in the bicep. Blood squirted, and pain washed over my entire arm. Yelping, I stumbled back, clutched at it.

Five more shots went off around me.

Gojyo slammed into me, knocking me to the ground.

He rolled to his feet, dragging me up too.

I was still busy registering the pain and the shock of the wound, and then it took me a second to consider how lucky I was not to have been hit by one of the other five rounds.

My partner stood in front of me, gritting his teeth and holding his weapon tightly.

I winced, cradling my arm and feeling blood run down to my elbow.

"How bad is it?"  
>"I'm not sure…in any case…" I tested my arm. "I don't think it broke the bone."<p>

The men were cheering and congratulating the man who'd shot me. He was busy reloading. It would only be a few more seconds before he was ready to fire again.

"Dammit all to…" Gojyo rushed the gunman. It looked like he was the only one with a gun, but I kept my eyes peeled for more.

While my partner was attacking the gunman, a group of humans sprang on me with newly-refined zeal, and in my condition, it was all I could do to dodge, and returning attacks was nearly impossible. I managed to knock one out, but my other blows were evaded, and they formed a tight circle around me. One produced a chain and some handcuffs.

My heart started slamming against my sternum.

Jeep shrieked, diving down from the sky, clawing at the face of the man carrying the chain.

I back-kicked a man who was trying to sneak up and grab me from behind.

They want me alive…?

The sickle and chain of the shakujou zipped over my head, messily detaching every skull in the group from its respective body, and a handful of corpses collapsed in a circle around me.

_Ring around the rosey._ I thought, inanely.

Gojyo grabbed me under the good arm, "Let's get the fuck out of here."

"What? And leave the rest of them alive? You're no fun at all."

He didn't answer. He whipped the chain around again, trying to take out the leader, as best I could tell, but a few of the others got in the way. One found himself sawed in half, a bloody torso lying on the ground in a pool of crimson, screaming. Another lost an arm and a leg. The third managed to deflect the sickle.

Gojyo was dragging me forward.

I stumbled along with him, dazed, "I really think we ought to finish them off."

"_We_?"

"I really think you ought to finish them off."

"Shut up."

He plowed through a bunch of them that thought they could stop us, killing them one after another, brutally, and then there was a path for us.

We ran into the woods, leaving the road behind, careening down the side of a steep hill. Together, we vaulted over boulders and leapt from small overhangs, wove around trees and ducked under branches.

I tripped a lot, but I never fell. My head felt light, and my heartbeat seemed sluggish, but I focused on staying on my feet, allowing Gojyo to drag me along in whatever direction he deemed best.

After some time, I looked back and realized no one was behind us.

"Gojyo, they're not following us."

"Yeah. Why not?"

"I have no idea…I don't understand what just happened at all."

He dragged me a little further, but the slope was beginning to ease, the ground more level, and in a few minutes, we'd reached the bottom of the hill. Gojyo slowed to a jog, and after another moment or two, stopped all together. For a second, he let go of me, and I leaned against a tree, watching as he spun around and around, scanning every direction, breathing hard and listening carefully. He let the shakujou vanish, then shelled his jacket off, "Damn it all to hell." He muttered, and then again, "Dammit. Dammit. Dammit."

"I…don't think it's all that bad." I said faintly, feeling the wound. With surprisingly numb fingers, I could just make out the hard shape of the bullet lodged in my flesh. My heartbeat picked up again.

Gojyo ignored me. He shoved me down, seating me curtly on a boulder, then ripped my shirt sleeve off, right at the shoulder. "Fuck." He cursed, as he examined the wound.

I felt his fingers delve into the bullet hole, winced and fought the urge to push him away. "You're…not going to wash your hands?"

"Shut up. Just shut up. Shut up."

_He's panicking._ I thought dreamily.

No. Not panicking. He's serious.

I laughed a little, but it turned immediately into an agonized scream as he proceeded to dig the bullet out with his bare hand, locking me in place with the other. The pain was excruciating. It splintered up and down my arm, and I felt blood pouring from the wound.

It only lasted a second though, and then he was discarding the bullet carelessly, hand drenched in my blood.

I fell back against the tree, vision going fuzzy and starting to black out, panting. "I…hate you…"

"Kick my ass later."

When my vision started to clear again, he'd unwound the bandana from his forehead and was wrapping it quickly and tightly around my bicep. His face was fixed in the most hilariously stern scowl, but I didn't laugh at him. I couldn't help but notice that although his hands were rough, they were steady and adept.

Gojyo finished tying off the tourniquet, then stood up, absently wiping blood on his own pants. He leaned close to my face, and I stared at him, feeling very far away. "Hey? You hear me?"

"Um. What?"

"I asked you if you think you can walk."

"I-I don't know…I may need just a moment…to recover…"

"Goddamn it all. I don't think we've got a moment." He was staring back up the ridge.

Personally, I didn't see anyone. But my senses were a bit dulled at the moment.

"I can walk." I decided, somewhat drowsily, forced myself to my feet, and nearly fell on my face.

Gojyo caught me and shoved me back into balance, "Transform."

"Transform? I hardly think it will make a difference if I-"

"Not you."

I noticed that Jeep had reverted to his vehicle form, was rumbling and vibrating, chirping a bit.

"Oh. I see. Of course."

I allowed him to stuff me into the passenger seat, complaining a bit as he got into the driver's side. "_You're_ driving?"

"I got two arms, and I'm not gonna' pass out and drive us over the side of a cliff."

We accelerated. The gravitational force slammed me back in my seat, jostling my arm, and I winced. "Where are we going?"

"Home."

"But Sanzo-"

"To fuck with Sanzo."

"Yes, but Tai-Ping."

"Don't give a shit."

I stared at him a moment, he gave me a mild glance, and then looked straight ahead again.

I closed my eyes. "Oh, very well."

* * *

><p>I looked down at the tourniquet on my arm. The bandana was white this morning…or yesterday…or however long ago it had been since we left our house. Days, for all I knew. Now it was stained with blood, sweat and dirt, looking decidedly brown. I hadn't even realized it was his bandana when I came to. I'd completely forgotten.<p>

Thoughtfully, I tested its integrity, but it was still tight, and I knew he'd wrapped it better than I would have expected. Not that it would matter. If I'd been unconscious for days, the wound was likely festering under the tourniquet.

Still, it was an endearing memory, hazy as it was, watching him wrap my arm with that hilariously stern scowl on his face.

What happened to him?

"How did you get hurt?" Wen asked, drawing me out of my thoughts.

"I was shot, unfortunately."

"Shot?" She looked with new interest at the bandage. "By the humans?"

"Yes. A group of them attacked us on our way down from Tai-Ping."

"You're lucky you're not dead, Hakkai-san."

"Not lucky, necessarily…I don't think so at least. They would have had me if it weren't for him."

"Your hanyou?"

"Yes."

"You're here though—they still got you, in the end."

For a second, I stopped walking. It was such a atrocious truth, and yet, I hadn't exactly considered that fact. Everything Gojyo did to help me, and in the end, I still wound up here, and I still didn't know where he was, and we hadn't been able to stay together like Sanzo told us to.

Where did you go?

"Wen." I resumed walking. "How were they killed?"

Wen looked at me with her pale eyes, all too carelessly, "Excuse me?"

"How did they kill them? The pair of hanyou you said was living in Tai-Ping."

Just when I was beginning to think she was utterly heartless, a touch of compassion entered those eyes, and her small, cherry blossom mouth frowned, "Poison. It was a terrible, painful way to die."

_Poison…_

He just couldn't be dead. I wouldn't allow that to be my reality.

What about Jeep? Where was Jeep? With Gojyo? Could he be dead too? Why couldn't I remember?

I was beginning to feel as if I'd never find the answers.

Wen sighed, "That's not necessarily what became of _your _hanyou, Hakkai-san. It's just what I know happened to the other two."

"I know." I murmured. "I just wish I could remember what did happen to _my_ han-to _him_."

"Don't you remember anything that's happened?" Her voice was the only sound in the facility, it seemed, and I was beginning to feel unnerved by the silence around us.

"Some of it. There are only bits and pieces, I'm afraid."

"Then you have no idea how you came to be here?"

"I…" I stopped, trying with all my energy to remember. I could almost see _something_. But it was too vague to make out. "I'm afraid not."

She looked at me curiously. Her blue eyes were fantastic. "You seem very certain that your friend is alive. Why is that?"

"He…" I couldn't help smiling to myself, "He has this certain tenacity about him. I should hope it would take more than _that_ to kill him."

_That. Whatever _that_ is._

Wen didn't reply. I suppose she didn't want to dash my hopes to pieces; she seemed a very sensible woman.

Behind us, I thought I heard footsteps, but when I turned the hall was empty.

"If youkai have been going mad," I said, mostly to distract myself from worrying about Gojyo, "why is it only a select few?"

"I don't think it is."

"More to the point, you and I seem perfectly sane."

"Yes…" Wen reached up to tug at her earring. "I'm not sure why. I don't really know a lot about what's happening, but…what if there's some kind of criteria? Blood type or something we've eaten or just something genetic. A way we've adapted."

"That may very well be." I thought about telling her that I had been human once, but decided I'd rather not. Still, that might be the reason I was still myself. Quite out of nowhere, I found myself wondering about Goku. Had he been affected? I'd never seen Goku's youkai form, but Sanzo had told Gojyo and I about it once or twice. Apparently it was something terrible to behold.

What if he had lost his sanity along with all the other youkai?

Sanzo would be able to handle that on his own, I told myself, but it was more a wistful thought than anything else, especially considering there was no way for me to help him—or anyone else for that matter—at this point in time.

That could be why Sanzo didn't want him to accompany us on this extremely tedious, little assignment. He might have known going mad was a possibility.

I heard the footsteps again, and again, there was no one.

"Something else is bothering me." I said. "Since coming to, I've only seen one human in this entire facility. Why do you suppose that is?"

Wen glanced around, like she expected a human to suddenly pop out of the wall, "I was thinking about that myself. I don't know. I guess they could all be out hunting for more youkai."

I wondered how those hunters had known to begin with that we were youkai. It had almost seemed as if they were waiting for us, but that would have meant they either knew who we were and where we lived and then followed us, or else someone had set us up. I didn't know who would have done _that_ though.

Sanzo was the one who'd sent us to Tai-Ping village in the first place, and for what purpose? Did he know this was going to happen?

Sanzo wouldn't have anything to gain from that. As odd as our relationship was, and as distant as he kept himself, I knew the three of us were friends. He wouldn't purposely put us in a situation where we were going to lose our lives.

_I'm not going to lose my life. We'll come to a door before too long, and I'll be out._

Everything would be all right. I'd get out, find Gojyo, and get to the bottom of all this.

Wen stopped suddenly, and I nearly ran into her.

"Is everything all right?"

"I heard a strange sound."

"A sound?"

Then I heard it too. A metal-on-metal chink. A lot like…

"Run!" I cried, grabbing Wen and dragging her back the way we'd come.

The next door we'd been approaching suddenly burst open, and a wave of humans rushed out, fire exploding from the long, dark muzzles of their rifles. Bullets hit just where we'd been standing, creating small, smoking pock marks in the immaculate, stone wall. A few others blazed past my head, barely missing my nose and my ears.

Wen screamed and fell down hard.

"Wen-san!"

I barely had time to turn around and drag her with me as I kept running, back the way we'd come.

I heard the pound of running footsteps behind us, voices shouting, guns going off. I ducked around the corner, frantically searching for any means of escape. We'd been this way already. I knew there was nothing here, aside from caged, crazy youkai.

"We have to fight them!" Wen snarled, gritting her teeth. There was a small circle of blood in the middle of her chest, rapidly expanding, and I knew the bullet had entered her back and gone all the way through.

"You're hurt."

"What other choice do we have? Keep running until there's nowhere left to go?"

Ignoring her, I kept running, half-carrying her with me, as I searched for some way out. We rounded another corner. My heart was beating so hard, it hurt, and my arm was throbbing.

In the wall I noticed a small trap door. Some kind of ventilation shaft or duct of some kind. It was small. I didn't know where it went, if anywhere.

"No other options." I reminded myself, hurrying to it. I yanked it open, another tremor of pain shooting up my damaged arm. "In." I ordered.

Her head was all but rolling about, falling against my shoulder, nodding forward. She was clutching her chest.

They were coming, getting closer. I heard their angry shouts.

"The humans." Wen sputtered. "They think they can take everything. They think they can get away with it…"

We were running out of time. They were getting closer: in a matter of moments, they'd come around that corner and gun us down.

"We have to fight…" She uttered, as I jammed her into the shaft, all but kicking her in and out of my way. I barely had time to climb in myself and pull the hatch shut before the humans rounded the corner. I watched anxiously through the iron grate, holding my breath and waiting for them all to pass. In a few moments, their angry cries were just echoes in the distance.

When I was sure they were gone, I turned to Wen again. I didn't know what kind of duct this was, but there were pipes and wires running all along it, and it was much too small for me to carry her through. I'd have to wait until it was safe before going back out. "Let me see that wound."

I reached for her, but she pushed me away. "Why didn't you fight them?"

I clenched her wrist, "Because that's not the answer."

"Neither is running: there is no answer, Cho Hakkai. This world is fucked."

"Perhaps so. But you wouldn't survive a fight with them anyway, Wen-san. You're badly wounded.'

"Heh. What does it matter now? Hachi is gone. My parents are gone. My cousins are gone. The humans…" her eyes were glassy and distant. "They've taken everything."

In a way, that seemed horrifically true. After all, my family seemed to be completely gone as well…

* * *

><p>I remembered that, at some point, we reached the road again.<p>

He drove, and I faded in and out of consciousness. I tried to talk to him, straining to keep myself alert, but he wouldn't say much to me. He'd gone into that typical, verbal coma he resorted to whenever something vexed him.

"I'll be all right." I assured, when I was starting to feel better. We'd been driving forever, it seemed, so we must have gotten quite a ways off course.

"Yeah, I know."

"In the future…when someone is pointing a gun at me, a proper warning might help."

Gojyo shook his head.

"Not that this is your fault. It's just that screaming 'hey' wasn't very descriptive."

"Sorry, man."

"You don't need to apologize… Keep it in mind for the future is all."

"What's with those guys?" He asked at length.

"I have no idea. I can't help but feel that it must have to do with what we found in that village though."

"Yeah, but we're not responsible for that. We wouldn't have been there at all if Sanzo hadn't sent us there."

"Those men don't know that, I'm sure. Perhaps they've mistaken us for someone else."

"That's a pretty heavy misunderstanding. They _shot_ you, Hakkai."

"Yes." I laughed, and after a second I was coughing, "It's extremely unfortunate for us."

He started to say something else, but his eyes suddenly widened, he uttered a quick 'fuck', and slammed on the brakes, nearly throwing me forward.

"What now?"

Ahead of us was a road block. It looked like several coils of heavy-duty barbed wire had been laid out, and there was a massive fallen tree in the way.

"What the fuck's _this_ shit?" Gojyo demanded, standing up in the seat.

Men were emerging from the woods. Humans. They were armed. It was just too familiar.

"How disturbing—they weren't following us because they knew which way we'd be going, and they knew we were driving somehow."

"Man, you don't just _guess_ that stuff." He put a cigarette in his mouth, "What do you wanna' do?"

"We have to fight them, I think."

"Can you?"

"Of course I can. Would you mind coming around and opening the door for me?"

"You're a riot, 'Kai."

The humans were advancing—the first line was comprised of about twenty of them—marching steadily, expressionless, like machines. I didn't see their leader anywhere. He was probably miles behind us, so perhaps these men had been contacted somehow and informed that we were coming. Or they'd just been waiting all day.

Gojyo and I got out of the car, and I looked around, cradling my arm. We were in a tight position. Chances are, the men we'd fought earlier were some ways behind us, but there were no forks or turns in this road, so backtracking would only mean running into them. On our left side, there was a steep, smooth cliff, several hundred feet high. On our right, there was a sheer drop off, and I could hear the rushing water of the river—the same river that ran through Tai-Ping, only it was wider here, and probably deeper, and more treacherous. We couldn't do anything but fight.

Gojyo summoned his shakujou. Jeep turned back into a dragon. I wondered how I was supposed to do this with only one good arm and a head that felt as if it were filled with helium.

"Don't worry about it." Gojyo told me. "I got this."

"You're not fighting them alone—my ego couldn't take that."

"Just don't get yourself killed, 'Kai."

He didn't wait for them to attack us this time. He darted forward, going head to head with the first fifteen all by himself.

I hung back a moment, testing my arm. It was completely useless from the pain.

_I've had worse_. I thought, and followed him.

Perhaps there weren't as many this time, or perhaps it was because I was injured and delirious, but this fight seemed to go much quicker than the first. I did better than I had anticipated, but it likely had little to do with me and mostly to do with the fact that Gojyo stayed close to my back and dealt with most of the opponents.

I tried not to let that bother me.

As with the first group, these men came in waves, five or six at a time, to attack relentlessly until they were killed. It seemed almost suicidal to me, but I knew they were trying to wear us down with their numbers, and it might just work at this rate. As long as they paced themselves and didn't back off, it was possible to drive us to exhaustion. After all, I was already feeling tired and sickly, and Gojyo couldn't hold them all off forever.

_They're just humans_. I told myself. But I didn't know if it mattered. They all seemed so angry about something—what we'd found in Tai-Ping, I supposed—and I knew better than anyone what angry humans were capable of.

Fighting without one arm was difficult. It meant I had to find creative ways to fight.

A man attacked and I slammed my head hard against his face, ducked down to dodge the swing the man beside him took at me, stood up and kneed him in the stomach; Both of them crumpled to the ground.

The next man came at me, did his best to bust my head in with the butt of his rifle. I was quicker than he was, slammed my shoulder against his chest, heard his sternum snap, and he collapsed too.

A few of them took aimless shots at me, but they were easy to evade, and they wound up shooting each other, sprays of blood exploding from shocked, frozen faces. In the background, I could hear the captain screaming out orders, but he was being ignored.

They certainly were a disorganized, little group.

I kicked a man's kneecap, breaking it completely, and he fell over, whimpering and crying.

Gojyo was doing well too.

If we kept our heads and didn't over-exert ourselves, we might make it out of this…

Half-way into the fight, they changed strategy, coming at us in higher numbers, purposely forcing their way between us, even if it meant getting injured or killed, trying to drive us apart. It was just a matter of time before Gojyo wasn't against my back anymore. He was about five feet away, facing three of them at once. Only three.

A handful of them drove at me. One had a massive sword. He swung and nearly sliced me in half. I danced back.

Another one approached me from the rear, trying to kick me in the back.

I dodged him too, putting myself dangerously close to the edge of the cliff. Below me I saw a green valley, and the wide, aquamarine river. I stepped away, and they all came at me at once.

Another five or so swept in without warning, and then I was facing almost ten of them.

I had to use my damaged arm to block the next blow that came at me—it was either that or take the hit right in the chest—a shiver of pain sped up my arm to my shoulder, into my neck and straight to my brain.

Honestly, I hadn't been expecting it to hurt that bad.

The pang was so horrible, I screamed and stumbled. I must have tripped on something, or lost my balance all together, and the next thing I knew, I was flat on my back, writhing and holding my arm, watching as they crowded around me, reaching for me.

"Hakkai!"

Gojyo jumped over me, knocking back the man who was closest, and then the next.

The remaining men he'd been dealing with came after him, and then some. Twenty of them flooded around us, taking advantage of the fact that I was down.

"Get up!" Gojyo screamed.

_Get up. Get yourself together._

I took a shuddering breath, trying to battle back the pain and the urge to pass out.

"C'mon, man!" He took off a few heads. "_Up_!"

Jeep flew over me, chirping and diving at the heads of my assailants.

I started to rise.

A man planted his boot on my chest, knocking me back down.

Another kicked me in the damaged arm.

Another cry of pain tore from my lungs. I clenched my arm and thrashed back and forth.

"Get offa' him!" Gojyo snarled, turning away from his own opponents to kill the man standing on me.

It was the wrong thing to do.

His back was turned just for a second; another man came in behind him, a long, thick club in his hand, raised to the sky.

I saw what was happening, but I couldn't make it stop. I couldn't do anything.

"Gojyo!"

The man stood over Gojyo.

My room mate was just beginning to turn, eyes wide with realization.

The man struck him square in the side of the head.

Immediately, his head snapped back. I saw his eyes roll up in his skull, dazed and blank. Blood was already gushing down from his head and from inside his ear as he began to fall. His body was flaccid, like a rag doll. The shakujou vanished as he lost his grip on it. He was going to fall right on top of me.

I braced myself.

The man who'd hit him caught him by the front of the shirt.

For a breathless moment, he held Gojyo up.

From the way he hung there, not so much as twitching, I could see that my room mate was unconscious.

"Gojyo! Gojyo, wake up!"

I struggled to rise, forcing myself to get on my hands and knees.

But I was too late.

"Worthless." The man scoffed.

With a single flinch of his rippling arm, he tossed Gojyo, as if he were an old marionette.

Right over the side of the cliff.

Gojyo's body was suspended in the air a second, hair and clothes almost seeming to float.

Somehow I was on my feet.

I reached for him, fumbling to catch him as he sailed over the side of the cliff.

He fell.

"No!"

He fell and fell and fell.

I watched, utterly helpless, and those few seconds were frozen.

I saw him hit the river in a violent splash of white water. He disappeared so that I couldn't see so much as a single strand of red hair.

And he didn't come up.

"Gojyo, no!"

My attackers didn't give me so much as a second to be upset. They were still attacking, heartlessly.

Clenching my teeth, I spun to deal with the man who'd just thrown my best friend over the edge of a cliff.

Unfortunately, I wasn't quick enough to do that either.

Heavy pain shot through my head, splitting straight through my skull. Flashes of colors and stars danced before my eyes, I heard a high-pitched ringing, and thought, _The world has gone crazy,_ then everything went dark…


	14. Chapter 14

**Well, here it is, my friends. The final mission.  
>Don't despair though. This fic ain't done yet. I've got a bunch more ideas for other 'non-missions' you might call them, that I'll be posting, eventually.<br>In other words, this fic is going to change directions a little bit. More character-to-character type stuff, shorter stuff. 'Hakkai and Gojyo get distracted from missions' etc. I promise, it'll still be action-packed and full of bromance.**

**Also, make sure to check out the preview for another fic I've been working on, located at the end of this chapter. :D**

**Regards.**

I closed my eyes, and Wen's labored breathing filled my head.

Finally things were beginning to make sense. They'd knocked me out and brought me back here. To what end, I didn't fully understand. They probably meant to kill me. It was a concentration camp of sorts. They were bringing youkai here, deciding which ones to kill first, and then, perhaps, when they'd gathered as many as they could, they were going to torch the whole place. Who could really say?

Gojyo was just a hanyou, so he hadn't been worth so much as considering bringing back here. He'd been tossed to the side. He might live through the river, he might not. They didn't care one way or another, for some reason.

How horrible it had been, watching him fall, clawing desperately to catch him, failing. Failing him so miserably when he'd only gotten hurt because he was trying to protect me.

Still, I didn't believe he was dead. I couldn't fall into that despair just yet—I had to go back, and maybe if I followed the river far enough, I'd find him. He could still be alive. He could be okay.

I had to cling to that hope. At the moment, I felt as if giving in to the despair that I'd truly lost him this time would only destroy me, particularly after Sanzo had instructed us to stay together.

He wasn't the only one who'd told me to stay close to Gojyo. Ton had said it too, the night I found Gojyo tripping on the Angel Dust that reprobate Banri had given him. Or tricked him into taking.

Just thinking about it made me shudder.

What a horrible night that had been…

Looking back, I wasn't sure how I got Gojyo home that night. I had to practically drag him all the way back to the house; at times he was almost cooperative, and then he'd grow suddenly violent again, hitting me or shoving me away. He went through fits of wild, insane laughter, in which he'd sling his arm around my neck and call me affectionate nick names, and then, without a moment's notice, he'd begin raving about things that were barely coherent; at times he'd talk about committing suicide with such conviction and frivolity, it genuinely terrified me, and I'd tighten my grip on him and remind him that death was permanent, because that seemed like a concept he wasn't fully grasping at the time. When he calmed down again and went back to laughing hysterically and embracing me indiscriminately, I'd try to ask him what was going on, what had happened to his arms, why he was acting this way, how much he'd had to drink, etc. but my questions always sent him spiraling back into belligerence, outrage, and violence. All in all, it was a very stressful walk home. He was bleeding pretty badly, I could see, but the blood loss wasn't affecting him very much yet. He staggered a lot, and his movements were slowed and sluggish, but he didn't act as if he were in pain. By the time we reached our house, my heart was beating wildly, and I felt so sick, I wasn't sure I could keep from vomiting.

I pushed him down on the couch, flicked on the light, completely unprepared for what I was about to see next.

The slashes on Gojyo's arms were worse than I thought: deep, brutal, violent, and carelessly ragged. They were pouring blood, though, in the dark and the rain, they hadn't seemed so bad. In the light, they were horrific. His hands were badly damaged too, sliced open as well and badly bruised, knuckles smashed, dripping even more blood. There were burn marks too, from cigarettes and heaven knows what else.

"What did you do?" I demanded, finally allowing the panic to take over. I dropped to my knees beside him, grabbing his wrist as gently as I could. "God. What did you do? This is…"

Gojyo wrenched away. He stood up, "Nothin'. Mind your own business."

I fought the urge to gag. "Gojyo. Look at you! How can you say that to me?"

"It has nothin' to do with you."

"It has everything to do with me!" I rose too, walked quickly to the closet where the first aid was kept, but I felt dizzy now, and I wasn't sure I could do this on my own. "Stay right there!"

Gojyo ignored me. He was heading toward the kitchen, and I heard him clattering around, slamming cupboards and breaking dishes.

I rifled through the first aid kid, but it seemed unexpectedly meager. I needed sutures, and at the moment, I didn't have any. "Gojyo."

Glass shattered in the kitchen. I heard my room mate curse.

"Gojyo!" I brought the inefficient kit into the living room, watched incredulously as he purposely knocked every glass out of the cupboard, and then swept a stack of plates off the counter onto the floor.

"Gojyo! Stop it!" I grabbed his shoulder.

He clocked me again, and it seemed even fiercer than the previous attacks. "Get your hands off me!"

In the light, his face was furious, eyes bloodshot and bleary, blood smeared on his face. He looked wild and crazy.

Gojyo shoved me back into the table. "Ya' wanna' throw down, dickhead? I'll put ya' in your fuckin' place."

"Stop this! You're acting insane!"

He didn't seem even remotely shamed by my accusations, went back to throwing things out of the cupboard, arbitrarily.

"I said stop!" I seized him again.

Shouting, he turned on me once more, "God dammit! Can't a guy have a drink?"

"Not now." I started pulling him away, "You'll bleed to death, stupid!"

Gojyo kicked me hard in the back of the knee, and the next thing I knew, I was face down on the floor, with him standing over me, screaming, "Stupid? _I'm_ stupid? What about _you_, huh? You're so fuckin' smart! You don't even _get_ it, dumb ass!"

I got up again, and it took every bit of my will power not to hit him back this time. That would be a step in the worst direction possible. I had to calm him down, somehow, pacify him the best I could. I had to stitch up his arm. I had to do _something_. I didn't know what to do, really, and that was a first for me. I was used to knowing what to do, to having a plan, even when everyone else was lost and panicked and confused.

Grabbing him by the front of the shirt, I hauled him through the house, toward his bed room. He knocked over everything he walked past: lamps, end tables, vases. He kicked the wall and screamed and beat his fists against everything and cursed me and said he hated me, and himself and everyone else in the world and swore he was going to 'end it all tonight'.

I pushed him into his room, barely able to speak, and I was shaking all over, "Calm down. Just calm down."

Then I went back for the phone. I couldn't do this myself. I couldn't help him. Not this time. I had to get someone to aid me.

While I was on the phone, I heard commotion coming from his room, but couldn't rush away to see what it was.

Ton answered after a few rings, sounding groggy and irate. "Yeah?"

"Ton. It's Hakkai. I-"

"_Hakkai_? What now?"

"It's Gojyo. I need you to come over here, immediately." I didn't even think to say please.

"What's wrong?"

"Just come."

I hung up on him, because the noise in the other room had reached its peak—smashing and crashing and breaking and thuds, mixed with cursing and screaming and professions of hatred. I all but ran down the hall.

Gojyo was trashing his room, kicking things over and punching things. He had his shakujou out and he was slashing all his belongings, illogically. Already his mattress was shredded, pillows destroyed, shelf tipped over. His clothes were strewn everywhere and his dresser had been knocked down. There were long, deep scores from the blade across the walls.

"Gojyo!" I grabbed him from behind, shoving him against the wall and pinning him there, "I said calm down! You're going to hurt yourself!"

"Like I fucking care! Like I fucking _could!_ Get offa' me!"

"Like hell I will!"

With an outraged scream, he wrenched away, whipped around, taking a swipe at me with the shakujou. I felt it brush past my face. My stomach was tight. I grabbed him again, wrestling him to the ground, and I managed to rip the weapon from his hands—it vanished, and I dragged him to his feet, "This is absurd! Have you lost your mind!"

He hit me again, then again.

I backed away, fists clenched. I so wanted to punch him back. I so wanted to knock him out. I knew I couldn't.

Blood was all over now. He'd smeared it on everything, and it was dripping on the carpet, leaving large, spotty stains.

"Why?" I grated out. "Why are you acting this way? What _happened_ to you?"

He kicked over the wastebasket by his bed, and garbage flew everywhere. I watched, astounded, as he put his fist right through the window, shattering it effortlessly, seemingly unaware of the new lacerations it created on his hand and forearm. He proceeded to attempt to climb right through it, still screaming bloody murder.

This was unacceptable and incredible, and I had to get the situation under control. At once.

I caught the back of his shirt, just in time to keep him from diving out into the dark and the rain, "Please! Gojyo, listen to me. You're hurt. It's late. You're bleeding. Don't you have any idea what you're doing?"

He glared at me, face marred with viciousness, blood staining his teeth, and in that moment, he looked as if he could kill me. He right-hooked my jaw, came at me with both hands outstretched, like he wanted to strangle me. It was frightening. I'd never been afraid of Gojyo in the whole time I'd known him, but then, I'd never seen him acting so strangely hateful. "I'll fuckin' kill you!"

The next thing I knew, he had a shard of glass in his hand. He was coming at me with it, doing his best to stab me.

With a deep breath, I ducked under the attack, kneed him in the stomach.

He lost his breath, I think, but he didn't shy away or even hesitate. It was as if he didn't feel what I'd done at all, and he was still shambling forward with that piece of glass.

Desperately, I grabbed his wrist, feeling a warm gush of blood flow down over my own hand. I twisted the glass away, spun him around and flung him back out into the hall, followed after, pressing him against the wall again. The little table and flower pot in the hallway tipped and fell, crashing and shattering so that more glass and soil spilled all over the carpet. I held him there, and he struggled, screaming and cursing and foaming at the mouth.

"I swear to God I'll kill you! I will _kill_ you! Then I'll kill myself! I'll kill everyone! Destroy _everything_!"

I held onto him, heart racing so fast and so hard, I thought it might explode. "Why…Gojyo? Don't you know who I am?"

"Don't fuckin' matter. I'm gonna' kill everybody!"

Reluctantly, I let go of him, pushed him away so that I was out of arm's reach, and backed into the living room again, then into the kitchen. I grabbed his carton of cigarettes and ripped a pack out. It was the only thing I could think of. I had no idea where his jacket had gone, but it was safe to assume his cigarettes were in it. I got a lighter too, shoved it all at him, "Smoke. For God's sake, smoke, and calm down!"

He did smoke, one cigarette after another, and he crushed the butts out on himself and against the walls and on everything, and I watched, steeped in a sickening fear, waiting anxiously for Ton. Hopefully he wouldn't take his time getting here.

"Hey…" Gojyo, said after a while, pacing around the room, "What the fuck, anyway?"

"That's what I'd like to know."

He grinned at me, but it wasn't familiar, and it wasn't safe. It was devilish and aggressive, like everything else he'd been doing, "You scared?"

"Gojyo…" I took a short step toward him.

He lurched back, tipping a chair over. "Get the hell away from me."

"I'm not going to hurt you, you maniac. You're the one who's doing his absolute best to hurt _me_ and yourself as well."

"Yeah…" he took a swipe at his hair, crumbled back against the fridge, and slid to the floor, blood pooling on the tiles, "Fuck you."

"You're bleeding really badly." I told him softly. "Won't you let me at least wrap those wounds?"

He didn't answer. He didn't move. He wouldn't look at me.

"Gojyo." I crouched beside him, "I just want to help you."

"Shit. Fuck. I'm tired."

"You're losing a lot of blood."

He held his hands up, staring at his own wrists, but he seemed unfazed.

"Please." I reached for him, and he actually let me touch him.

"What's happening?" He murmured, but I didn't think he was asking me.

"Come on." I urged, "I want to help you."

Gojyo turned his head to look at me, expression candid and remotely childish, "'Kai-"

There was a loud, urgent knock on the door.

Gojyo sprang up, shoving me away; he dropped his cigarette and pressed himself against the fridge, like he wanted to melt into it.

"It's just Ton." I informed him, and then, reluctantly, I went to answer the door.

Ton came in from the rain, shaking his hair and coat out; he had his black bag, and he looked tired and concerned, "I came as quickly as I could. What in the hell is wrong?"

Before I could even answer, he saw Gojyo, expression fading from concerned to horrified in the blink of an eye. "Good God, boy! What happened to you?"

Gojyo didn't move. He was glaring. "What's he doin' here?"

"What am _I_ doing here? Look at yourself and then answer that question. Well, never mind. Let's get this over with, shall we? I'm exhausted." He started toward the kitchen.

"Ton." I grabbed him, "Wait a moment. He-"

"You keep the fuck away from me." Gojyo growled, still pressed back against the refrigerator.

Ton glanced at me, "What's with him?"

"I have no idea. But please be careful…he's not himself."

"I see." Regardless, Ton moved forward, "Come now, kid. Relax and let me have a look."

When he was just within arms' reach, Gojyo attacked him, taking a swing at his face, but I managed to jerk him back, out of the way, just in time.

Ton stared, shocked, "I beg your pardon. What in the _hell_, Gojyo?"

"I told you." I warned him softly. "He's acting erratic."

"Well why?"

"I'm not sure."

"I can't very well leave him be—he'll bleed to death."

"I know."

"Quit talkin' about me like I ain't here!" Gojyo screamed suddenly, pounding his already damaged fist against the fridge, leaving a smudge of murky crimson.

"Now, now." Ton soothed, "Take it easy, Goj. Just let me look."

"I'll let ya' look all right." Gojyo took a vicious step toward him.

Ton was careful to stay out of his range, murmuring to me, "We're going to have to use force."

"Yes, I'm well-aware."

"I'll follow you, because I'd rather not have my teeth knocked out."

Nodding, I eased forward, "Now, Gojyo. Try to relax. Everything's going to be fine."

"Yeah, I bet." My room mate spat.

"Won't you let Ton look at your arms?"

"What for? They don't hurt."

"Yes, but, you're injured."

He glared at me a second, and then made a sudden, wild movement. I saw that he was going for the cutlery set we kept beside the sink, dove after him, restraining him as best I could without hurting him.

My room mate thrashed back and forth, shouting and cursing me.

Ton helped me drag him out of the kitchen and back to my room, and together, we forced him onto the bed, and even then he fought and writhed back and forth, staining my immaculate bedding with his blood. He managed to kick Ton once, right in the face, and the doctor fell back, crashing into my bookshelf.

While he was righting himself, I did my best to hold Gojyo down.

"Try to keep him still." Ton barked, sounding a little angry. "Goddamn kid. We're just trying to safe your life, you idiot!"

Gojyo fought me fiercely, clawing at my hair and clothes, tearing my shirt and hitting me in the face again, whenever he got even the slightest chance, but I did my best to pin him firmly against the mattress, while Ton prepared his supplies.

"I fuckin' hate you." My room mate snarled at me, "I'll kill ya'. Both of you."

"Oh shut up." I snapped, securing his wrists, not even caring anymore if I hurt him. I was beginning to feel angry and betrayed, on top of immensely worried.

At last, Ton was back, a syringe in hand.

I braced myself as Gojyo fought that much harder, watching anxiously while Ton gave him the sedative, and then set the needle aside, sighing, "There. Hopefully that will keep him calm."

Already, Gojyo's movements were slowing, his head rolling back and forth, his voice quieting as he continued to profess hatred and death threats on us, and after a few moments, he was utterly still, but from the way his eyelids were fluttering, I could see that he wasn't fully asleep.

Slowly, I let him go, half-expecting him to spring up and strike again, but when I was sure he wasn't going to move anymore, I went to bring Ton some warm, soapy water, sat by as he cleaned the wounds and set to stitching them up. Gojyo didn't so much as moan the whole time, and I wondered if he could even feel the pain of the treatment.

"What in the world is wrong with him?" I wondered out loud.

"I'm afraid I don't know." He went on with the sutures, and I saw that his hands were shaking.

"Are you…that is…You are sober enough to be doing this?"

"Don't start with me, Hakkai." He snapped, "I'm saving your buddy's freakin' life right now, you know that, don't you?"

"Yes, of course. Forgive me…I…I'm just worried."

"Well, I can't hold that against you. Looks as if you have every reason to be."

"It does, doesn't it?"

Gojyo murmured something I couldn't quite make out. But it wasn't 'I hate you', or 'I'll kill you', as far as I could tell, so I leaned over him, mouth close to his ear, "It's going to be okay." Still, I felt as if I were speaking more for my own comfort than for his.

He grabbed onto my shirt front for a moment, held on feebly, staining my clothes with red, before his grip slid away again.

Ton finished the sutures, began packing his things up, but left a small bottle of some clear substance, as well as a syringe, sitting on my bedside table, "I'll leave you this, just in case."

"In case of what?"

"I suggest you administer a little more of it here in a couple of hours when he starts coming round. It'll help him sleep."

"In case of _what_, Ton?"

He wouldn't look at me for a second, and then he mumbled, "It's just that we don't know…how he'll act when he wakes up again."

I nodded, feeling numb with the worry. Gojyo…could be completely crazy, for all I knew. "Do you think…?"

"I'm not sure what to tell you, my boy. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. But I do know that, whatever's going on, those cuts on his arms were self-inflicted."

"Then." I licked my lips, mouth feeling sandy and dry, "Do you suppose he's…I mean, he doesn't really want to kill himself, does he?"

"Impossible to say at this point—he's so wound up on alcohol or _something—_but I think you'd do best to stay close to him. No matter what."

After that night, I had thought that maybe Gojyo was gone forever, that perhaps staying close to him couldn't even possibly be enough. I had thought he'd lost his mind. I had fully expected him to wake up and try to kill me, and in a way, I'd been shocked that he hadn't. Never the less, the trauma had done its work on my mind.

When he'd come to, acting relatively normal, unable to remember what had transpired the night before, I'd made a hasty decision to omit some of the messier details—the death threats, just how many times he'd actually hit me, the true psychosis of his behavior—because I hadn't wanted him to feel guilty or angry with himself for what had happened. I thought it might be best if I alone had to bear those memories, and he could go on thinking it had been nothing more than a slightly bizarre episode. A mishap, and nothing more. Of course, that had led to its own complications, namely the fact that he hadn't even remotely understood my stress, my worry for him, or my fear, and he hadn't been willing to indulge me when I expressed my unyielding concern. He'd kept me from killing Banri. Well, not kept me, really. I still could have ignored him and killed Banri anyway—Banri did deserve to die for that night alone, and the things he'd done in the past only reinforced that sentiment in me—but Gojyo was right. He couldn't remember that night the way I did, brimming with horror and gore and dismay. He'd never know just how awful it had truly been. I didn't know if he'd ever forgive me if I killed Banri when he'd all but begged me not to, but I wouldn't have him resent me for years to come over the fact that I had seen something undeniably atrocious on that night, and he hadn't.

It all made me want to weep and apologize over and over and over, because somehow, I had let him down. I hadn't been there when I should have been. I hadn't sensed that something was wrong and gone after him when he left the house the way I ought to have. Perhaps that wasn't exactly my blame to shoulder, but I felt the weightiness of that responsibility on my shoulders, and when I relived the horror of that night, I found myself expressly thinking I'd do most anything to take it back. To wipe that event from more than memory—from existence itself, because I was certain it had damaged him in one way or another, whether he was aware of the damage or not, and I knew it had damaged me.

After Banri was gone, I had swore to myself that I wouldn't let this happen again, nor anything like it, no matter what it took. Something so sickening and evil should not have befallen anyone I even remotely regarded, let alone Gojyo himself. I should have been able to prevent it. And I would, from now on. That's what I'd told myself. I would stay close. I would make sure we stayed together. I would ensure that the next time he needed me that badly, I would be there—not just within shouting distance, but right there beside him, not because I thought he couldn't protect himself, but because if something happened, I would know, and I could act.

I'd failed in that when the human had flung him over the cliff.

Now I had no choice but to make up for that as well, and there was a very limited number of ways to go about that: to find him, firstly, and if he was alive, apologize with all my heart and soul for being so weak and so pathetic that I had actually put his life in danger over my own injury, and if he was dead, to maim and murder all who were responsible. It was my duty as his partner, and I knew he'd do the same for me. In fact, for all I knew, he was out there now, doing just that, thinking all the same thoughts I was having now.

That was something I could only hope.

One thing was certain though—I had to get out of here before I could do anything else.

Wen was asleep it looked like. In theory, she might be okay if I left her here. I might be able to escape—it would be easier if I didn't have to carry her with me—and then I could come back for her later, when Gojyo was with me.

I studied her sleeping face. She still resembled Kanan to me. Not so much as the woman Gan had hired, but enough that I didn't want to leave her here to bleed to death.

Finally, I leaned forward and shook her shoulder, "Wen. Wake up."

Her eyes fluttered, and she stared at me hazily. "Mmn?"

"Come on." I offered her my hand. "We're getting out of here."

"What…about your hanyou…?"

"That's why we're leaving—I have to find him."

"If he's even alive." She murmured.

"Oh, he is."

_He'd better be._

* * *

><p><strong>Gojyo<strong>

Water's all around me. It's blue and green and brown and muddy and wet and cold. It makes me heavy. It makes me light. I'm floating. I'm sinking. Above me, there's the sun. No matter how I reach for it, I'll never feel it again. I'm moving, quickly, faster than I could ever run. Faster than anything. Flowing. Brushing through weeds and over rocks.

I can't remember what I'm doing. I think I'm supposed to feel scared, for some reason, but I don't remember why.

I close my eyes, letting the cold and the wet saturate me.

_Saturate's a big word…_

Dad was a river youkai…that's what Jien said…we were half river youkai…even me.

_What the fuck's that mean anyway? I don't feel any connection to this damn river…_

Falling's the weirdest thing ever, by the way. I was there in the sky forever, suspended, air coasting around me. Just when I started to think 'this is nice', splash. I'm in the water.

Oh well. It's almost nice. Just hanging there, letting the water carry me, taking me wherever its going. I don't have to think. I don't have to move. I don't even have to breathe.

_You'd better _breathe, _stupid._

Water's filling my lungs. I can't wake up enough to care. I can't even make myself believe this is actually happening. I'm not letting go on purpose, but I know that when I open my eyes again, I'll be in my house where I live with Hakkai, in my room that I still haven't put all the way back together after trashing it two months ago, in my bed. So what's the big deal?

What's the big deal anyway…?

_"Gojyo."_

Someone's calling my name. I can't help thinking it's my father, his spirit or some shit, flowing through the river.

_"Gojyo…"_

I know it's not Hakkai, because he's far, far away now. I don't know how he got so far away, but I know that he is.

_And I gotta' get back to him._

My hand finds a fistful of leaves or grass or earth or something. My head breaks through, back to the sun.

The river keeps moving, but I can't go with it anymore.

_Sorry, Dad…_

Shit. My whole body hurt: my head, my chest, my guts, even the tips of my fingers. I wanted to roll over and die.

_I can't. I can't though…. Because…_

"Gojyo." The voice was more clear this time. Familiar. "Come on, Gojyo, open your eyes. You're alive."

"Don't feel alive…" I gasp.

"Corpses feel pain now, do they?"

Slowly, I opened my eyes. Even they hurt. I wanted to close them again, immediately, but I fought that urge. Jeep was sitting just above my head, neck craned over to look at me, nose to nose. He crooned softly at me.

_Hakkai…_

Past Jeep, there was a man, sitting next to me. He was about thirty five. Or maybe thirty. I don't know. He had a dark brown, scruffy beard, and longish, messy, dark hair, calm hazel-colored eyes, and I could see from the redness in his face that he'd been a heavy drinker for most of his life.

Coughing and choking, I turned onto my side, spitting up all kinds of nasty river water and bile and shit. "Fuck. Just can't…get away from ya'…"

Ton put a hand on my shoulder, "Just shut up and breathe, you ingrate."

It felt like it took forever—hours and hours of gasping and gagging and choking and coughing—but eventually, I could breathe again, and then I laid there on the sandy bank of the river, on my face, sucking in breath after painful breath of sweet, wonderful air, Jeep nuzzling at my hair.

"There ya' go, kid. You're gonna' be just fine." Ton pounded my back.

I glanced up at him through my hair. He looked like he was hiding his concern, as usual. That's exactly the way he'd looked at me the night I dragged Hakkai home; when I went and beat on his door and told him there was an injured guy at my house, he'd given me that exact same expression, because Ton hated for anyone anywhere to be in pain.

"What're you doin' here? Where's Hakkai?" I tried to sit up, saw that the sun had set and dusk was setting in, making the woods around me look purplish blue, and dark. The river was at my back, and I could smell and hear it. There wasn't any Hakkai though, and my head was spinning and aching, but I ignored it, because I didn't have a second to waste thinking about it. This was one of the most messed up days I'd ever had. "Hakkai!"

Ton pushed me back again, "He isn't here, Gojyo. Now try to relax—it looks like you have a concussion."

"What do you mean he isn't here? He went and got you, didn't he?"

He would have. I didn't know where I was, but I remembered getting hit in the head and falling in the river. Hakkai must have dragged me out of the water, and then he would have gotten Ton. Ton was the closest thing either of us had to a doctor.

"Try to think clearly." Ton suggested. "He didn't come and get me—I don't know where he is."

"But…"

There was something else. A loud gun shot resounding through my brain.

I reached up and touched my forehead, realizing the bandana I'd been wearing was gone.

_That's right. Hakkai got shot…_

So wherever he was, he was in more trouble than I was, for sure.

"You're lucky I found you." Ton said.

Maybe I was lucky. Just the same, I had to figure out where Hakkai was. "Some asshole shot Hakkai. We gotta' find him."

Shit. I didn't even know where _I _was.

"Ton… Where the fuck are we?"

"You're a long ways from home, cowboy—about thirty miles east of it."

That was a pretty long ways. Tai-Ping was only twenty miles north east of our town, according to Sanzo, so how'd I gotten way out here?

_The river, idiot._

"Fuck, I've been unconscious for…God, I don't even know how long."

"You've only been lying on the bank here for fifteen or twenty minutes. I don't think you've actually been out cold all that long, which is fortunate, because you would have drowned. You said Hakkai got shot?" He glanced around, shaggy hair falling in his face.

I sat up again, a little slower this time, touching the side of my head where I could feel a gash. My ears were ringing. "Yeah. I think so… By some crazy humans."

Jeep nuzzled my face, and I patted his head absently.

"Chances are…whoever did this thinks you're dead and won't come after you. Maybe you got lucky."

That was me. The luckiest guy alive.

"How'd you find me?"

"Wasn't hard." Ton was going into his black medical bag, got out a needle, which he filled with a golden liquid that looked sort of like bourbon. Damn, I could use a drink right now. Not to mention a cigarette or two. "I just happened to be in the right place at the right time."

"I mean, what the hell are you doing here in the first place? We're in the middle of nowhere.

Ton tapped the needle—I have no idea why they do that—squirted a little out of it, and reached for my arm, "Hold still; this'll sting a little."

"What the hell do I need a shot for?"

"Just because."

"What is it?"

"Medicine, dumb ass."

"Well, no shit, I can see that, but what is it-"

"Just don't worry about it, alright?" He said gruffly, "We both know how it goes when I try to get all technical on you."

I watched him give me the shot, nervously. Shots didn't normally bother me, but I would like to know what the hell it was he was injecting into me. It looked _so_ much like whiskey, and wouldn't it be just like an alcoholic doctor to accidentally pump his patient full of booze?

"Fine. So wanna' tell me what in the hell you're doing here, or is that too technical too?"

He finished administering the shot, barely looking up at me as he slapped a band-aid over the puncture mark. "Looking for you, as a matter of fact."

"What? Me?"

"Well, you and Hakkai."

"Why?" Come to think of it, Ton never left town for anything. He hardly even left his house unless it was to go on a house call.

Ton looked at me skeptically. "I don't want to alarm you, Gojyo, not when you're in this condition-"

"Nothin' you says gonna' scare me, old man, just spit it out."

"You know, kid, some day you're gonna' mouth off to the wrong person and get your ass beat."

"But not by you; for the last time, just tell me why you were looking for us."

Scowling, he got out a small, cheap flask and took a swig from it. "Something weird has been going on lately in this area, Gojyo, although I'm not surprised that your punk ass didn't notice.

"Over the last year, there has been a sharp increase in violent murders, usually bordering on the unnatural—mutilation, maiming, that sort of thing—none of these attacks have been linked together; in other words, they've been completely random. What's more, every one of them has been committed by a youkai, against a human."

I thought about what we had found up in Tai-Ping village and wondered if that had anything to do with what he was talking about. It all made me think of what Banri and his gang had done to those three people in our town, but I didn't want to think those things could be connected.

"In this past month," He went on, "the murders have hit a peak. Adult youkai everywhere have attacked their human neighbors, slaughtered them, and fled their homes."

"What's that have to do with Hakkai and me? It's not like we-"

"Just listen. Think you can do that, Gojyo?" He waited a second, to see if I'd interrupt. "A group of humans decided to take action finally. A village on the other side of the mountain was attacked about two months ago—every youkai there suddenly went nuts and started killing people—as you can imagine, their populace was diminished substantially, and those left alive are determined to put an end to the chaos, though I highly doubt it's possible."

"And?"

"And, in the last two months, those humans have been going from town to town, gathering more troops and capturing youkai, no matter how they're behaving. They take them to a secure location and…terminate them."

My skin crawled when I heard those words. "Wait. _Any _youkai?"  
>"I'm afraid so. A lot of humans have been killed in the process, but they won't be deterred."<p>

"That still doesn't explain what you're doing here."

"I told you—I came to look for you. There aren't many youkai living in our town, as you well know, and many of them have disappeared in the last few weeks. At any rate, I know you and Hakkai better than I knew most of them to begin with—you've kept me in business over these last three years, always coming home with the most absurd injuries—you might say I felt I owed it to you to warn you."

"I still don't understand how you found me."

He sighed and took another hit off the flask. "I heard about what happened in Tai-Ping village and I knew the human group was close. I went to them, said I wanted to join, as a medic, in hopes of getting more information. In truth, I was already in this area before you and Hakkai got here. This afternoon, some of the men were talking about targeting a youkai with green eyes and a hanyou. Green eyes could mean anything, but…well, you know, there aren't too many of your kind around. I left them and started looking for the two of you—I thought maybe I could help you, even if it was too late for Hakkai."

I sat up a little straighter; a sheet of pain lapsed over my body, but I ignored it.

"Wait a minute. What does that mean, 'too late for Hakkai'? He's gotta' be around here somewhere, Ton—we'll find him—there's no way he-"

"Be realistic, Gojyo." Ton took an even bigger gulp from the flask, wiped his lips with the back of his sleeve. "You said Hakkai was shot? They shoved your lazy ass off a cliff and then he had to fight the rest of them injured? Even Hakkai isn't that strong."

"I am being realistic, ya; fuckin' boozehound—you don't know that crazy bastard like I do: he's one of the strongest guys I've ever met."

"All right, consider _this_ then. As I said, youkai all over this area have been going nuts for no apparent reason." For the first time, he looked me straight in the eyes, "Hakkai doesn't act like much of a youkai, Gojyo, but he _is_ one, you know."

"So what? You trying to tell me Hakkai went bat-shit, probably killed all those guys by himself and ran off?" I laughed, even though the idea was turning my blood to slush, "There's just no way."

I expected Ton to be irritated with me—he always got annoyed when I was stubborn and didn't want to listen to him—instead, his face filled suddenly with compassion and pity. I couldn't even stand to look at him, it was so clear. I could almost hear his thoughts. _Poor little Gojyo, getting left behind again._

It made me angry.

"He's gone, Gojyo. It doesn't really matter where he is at this point, it only matters that there's nothing you can do for him."

"Oh, shut the fuck up." I snapped, starting to stand up. The pain that hit me was almost enough to knock me out, slicing through my head like I was getting my brain ripped open by a pair of dull scissors, but I ignored it. "Just tell me where this 'secure location' is, and I'll get out of your hair."

"Gojyo, I'm really not sure that's a good idea."

"It's a great idea. Better than sitting on my ass here, anyway."

"Consider your condition."

"I feel fine." I fought the urge to gag as I finished pulling myself to my feet, swaying slightly as I fought to keep my balance.

"Come now, don't be that way." His voice was taking that obnoxious, soothing, bedside manner tone. "You have a serious head injury, you're not in any condition to be running around, let alone-"

"Look, Doc. I appreciate your concern, but there's no way I'm staying here."

Ton sighed. "In any case, if you honestly insist on going somewhere, you should probably just get as far from here as you can."

I took a few unsteady steps away from the river, testing my balance. There was a sickish feeling in my stomach, and my head was throbbing with the most brutal headache I'd ever had, but I shoved all of that into the back of my mind.

"Those humans are still around here, you know. If they find you alive, they'll kill you. If I were you, I would run as far from here as you can get. I'd come with you, but I-"

"Shove it, Ton." I glanced around for my coat, but didn't see it anywhere. I remembered taking it off when I bandaged up Hakkai, so I'd probably left it in the Jeep, and who knew what happened to it after our fight on the cliff. That sucked—I think my cigarettes were in there.

"Gojyo-"

I turned toward him again, "I said shut up. I don't think you get what I'm telling you: I _have_ to go get Hakkai, Ton. I can't let him die. Not anymore than he could just walk out on me."

He gripped my arm, "Gojyo, he might not even be alive."

"I know."

"What do you think you're going to accomplish by charging in like the cavalry? If anything, you'll wind up dead too."

Maybe he was right about that. I was just being an idiot.

"You can't stop me, and I know you won't try. So why don't you just tell me where to look for him?"

Ton sighed again, his face falling, and he let go of my arm, "I can't help you, Gojyo. Not if you won't listen to me."

"You've already helped me. Now how about you help Hakkai?"

He nodded slowly, "Yes, I guess that's best.

"Last I knew, the humans were taking their prisoners to an abandoned building, about five miles north of Tai-Ping village. You'll have to go up river a few miles to where it's narrower, and then you can cross. Climb the cliff and get back to the road."

I turned around and around, trying to figure out my direction, but I was still too confused. "Uh, right. Where's Tai-Ping from here?"

"Yeah, great idea, wandering off alone with a concussion. Tai-Ping is a little south-east of here. I'd say the place where they have Hakkai is about ten miles southwest of us. When you've gotten back on the road follow it south, as if you were going back to Tai-Ping. You know the fork in the road that runs east to west?"

"Yeah. I think I remember it."

"When you get to that, leave the road behind and head due south into the woods. You should be able to find it, if you look hard enough. Even _you_ aren't that stupid."

"Hey, thanks for the vote of confidence, pops."

"By the way, it wouldn't kill you to thank me."

We started walking back up the river, "It might."

"It wouldn't—I know, because I'm your doctor."

"Well, it would hurt a fuck of a lot."

He went with me a ways—a few miles, I guess, until we reached a place where it looked like we'd be able to cross the river, and then we stopped. "This is as far as I go."

"I'll be sure to let Hakkai know you were too busy to help me save him."

Ton laughed a little, which was weird, and clasped my shoulder, "Good luck."

"Yeah, thanks."

"Hakkai's a lucky boy. Maybe he has enough luck for the both of you."

"Maybe. Anyway, my luck's been pretty shitty lately anyway."

"Well, you're a hard case, so I think you'll be all right."

We faced each other, and he dug something out of his bag and handed it to me. "Take this for Hakkai. If you find him."

It was a small white bottle of pills. I looked it over, suspiciously, "What is it?"

"Antibiotics. You said he got shot, right? You're going to want to make sure he doesn't wind up with septicemia."

"Septicemia. Right…" I stuck the bottle in my pants pocket, "Can't we just drop by and see you on our way home?"

He shook his head slightly, "I don't know when we'll be seeing each other again, Gojyo."

I gave him a dumbfounded look.

"If things persist this way…we may never see each other again."

"Why? Where the hell're you going?"

"Me? I'm still looking for my own answers, to this madness. You understand that, don't you?"

I shrugged like it didn't bother me that he was skipping town, and probably never coming back. "Sure."

"Even so, the real question isn't where I'm going, but where _you're_ going."

"Well, we gotta' go see Sanzo, and then, you know. We'll head home. Or the other way around."

"Yes. Of course." He looked away, distance in his eyes, "Sanzo. Gojyo…We may learn that the gravity of this situation besetting our world is a bit more…serious than either you or I fully understand at the moment."

I still didn't get what he was saying, but I was quiet a moment, watching him. Was he trying to tell me that life as we knew it was about to change?

After a moment he smiled slightly, "Ah, I'm being over-dramatic." Then he set his hand on my shoulder again, for a split second, "See you around, kid." Then he turned away, heading out into the wilderness.

I watched him walk into the distance for a couple of moments, wondering if, for some crazy reason, it really might be the last time I saw him, and then I looked at Jeep, "Let's go get that idiot, 'kay?"

The little guy chirped and flapped away, leading me back across the river.

I was lucky I had Jeep. It was a long ways back to Tai-Ping village, and I didn't have time to screw around, looking and walking and resting. Not to mention I still felt sort of beat up. There was this pain in my head that wouldn't go away, and my stomach was queasy.

Actually, Ton was probably right: I was an idiot to go looking for trouble like this. It was just crazy. More than crazy. If I had any brains, I'd just run. I'd go find a peaceful place to hide out in, until all this blew over.

_All this…what in the hell is it anyway?_ So youkai were going crazy…but over what? The closer I got to Tai-Ping, the sicker I felt. If nothing else, I really didn't want to go up there again. What we had found there…it was…

Tai-Ping was kind of a nice place. Just for visiting—I wouldn't want to live there because it was too small and peaceful—but passing through was okay. I liked the constant ring of the wind chimes and the way the whole place smelled like water. Someone had built their little, bamboo house right on the bank, and they had an improvised patio by the back door, with a small, round table and some chairs so they could sit in the sun and listen to the river. I thought that would be cool.

There was something really creepy about it too though, because it was so quiet I guess, and no matter where I looked, I never saw anyone.

We crossed the bridge and made our way to the heart of the town, neither of us talking, and even Jeep was quiet. After we'd gone a ways down the main street, I started feeling like I could smell something other than the river—something rank. The further we went, the stronger it got.

"Damn. What's that reek?"

"I smell it too. It's rather like…"

"Is there a landfill up here or something?"

"I don't think it's garbage, Gojyo." His voice was quiet and tight, the way it got when he was nervous.

"It's coming from this way." I took a turn down a small road called Clear Street, walking a little faster and scanning the buildings for any sign of the people who were supposed to live here.

I passed a place called Sobo's Medicine shop, and then Kaa-san's General Store, Tai-Ping Liquor, Sir Koro's Hardware and Fishing Supply, The Sleeping Dragon Tavern. Empty, empty, empty, empty. "Where is everyone?"

"I'm sure we'll find out soon."

We clambered over some wooden lattices that had fallen down in the street and wove around an abandoned wheelbarrow. The smell was getting stronger. It was familiar, but I didn't want to admit that out loud.

I took the next turn sort of fast and almost walked into the jaws of a barking, black dog. It wasn't any taller than my knees, but I was startled, lurched back into Hakkai with a yelp.

He steadied me. "I didn't know you were afraid of dogs, Gojyo."

"I'm _not_. Damn thing surprised me, that's all."

The dog stood back, low to the ground baring its teeth, growling at us, and I thought I saw something red smeared on its lips.

"Is that blood?"

"Perhaps. I'm not going to get down on my hands and knees to find out."

I kicked at the dog, "Beat it, mutt."

With another growl, and a short whine, the dog jogged around us, keeping its ears flat; we watched it trot back down the street and out of sight.

"This place is weird."

Hakkai took the lead.

The rancid smell in the air was so strong, I was feeling physically sick.

We didn't have to go much further to find its source…

Bodies. Dozens and dozens of bodies, piled up at the end of the road, half-stuffed behind a small shed. They were all ripped to shit, torn open and mutilated. Some looked like they'd been skinned alive, coated in blood. A little girl had gotten her intestines torn out, they were hanging all over. Beside her, a woman was missing both arms, the blood still hardening on the sockets of her shoulders. I saw a young guy, probably my age, with his head twisted all the way around, and a hole in his chest, like something had taken a bite out of him.

It made me feel like throwing up.

Flies were buzzing around, but the bodies hadn't started rotting yet—they had been killed recently.

"Humans." Hakkai murmured, kneeling down next to the pile. "They're all humans."

He had this weird, distant look on his face, and I wondered what he was thinking about.

"Shit. Who the hell did this?" I choked.

"An excellent question. But better still…" He looked around, "Could they still be nearby? And where are all the villagers who live here?"

I looked too, but I wasn't looking for the villagers. I don't know what I was looking for. I just suddenly had this horrible feeling growing tightly in my chest, threatening to smother my heart, "Hakkai…what's going on? Why'd Sanzo send us up here in the first place?"

"It seems unlikely that he knew this was here…"

"Yeah, but he had to know _something_. Right?"

_He told us to stay together—he never does that. He had to know something was seriously fucked in this place._

"It stands to reason that he may have gotten wind that _something_ was wrong here."

"It's creepy." I muttered, barely concealing a shudder, "The place is deserted—no sign of the people who live here at all—and this massacre…. I mean, what the fuck?"

"Yes. It's a bit like something out of a horror movie."

_A horror movie._

I felt like maybe I was in a horror movie. Youkai going crazy. Humans getting slaughtered. Hell, humans weren't anywhere near as strong as youkai—those people killed in Tai-Ping village never had a chance. The youkai must have taken them there and just ripped them to pieces. But it wasn't even the bodies that disturbed me the most. It was the stripped, bloody skeletons lying nearby: the people who had been eaten alive.

I guess the Tai-Ping villagers had all gone insane, killed a bunch of humans, and run off. Just like Ton had described.

_Nasty._ I thought.

It was too much like what Banri had done in our town. Banri never liked humans, but I'd never seen him so much as attack one, let alone eat one. Now all I could think about was the way he'd come at me with his claws and his teeth, how he'd said I'd probably taste okay, even if I was half youkai. _What the hell was wrong with him?_

Whatever was happening, it had affected a lot of youkai, I guess, Banri included. I wondered if I should have let Hakkai kill him after all.

I was getting closer to Tai-Ping now. Just a couple more miles, and then I should start looking for the abandoned building.

"Man. Why'm I putting myself in the middle of this bullshit?"

Humans were terminating youkai, youkai were rampantly slaughtering humans, and I was half of each, so there was no way I was going to be spared.

_And what if Hakkai's dead?_

No, that wasn't what I was afraid of, I realized.

I found the place. It was big, gray and industrial, and I couldn't figure out for the life of me what it was doing here. I guess it had been part of a different town at one time. Or maybe it was part of Tai-Ping. It didn't matter. I stopped the car and looked at it, feeling an ominous pain in my head. Hopefully Ton's stupid whiskey-looking medicine was working, even if I had no idea what he'd given it to me for.

"I better not die here." I mumbled, getting out of the car, "Hang out here, Jeep. Just in case we have to make a quick getaway."

Jeep chirped at me, sadly I thought.

"Don't worry." I slid my hand along his wheel well, "I'll bring him back."

Hopefully.

I looked down at my own shaking hands as I walked up to the building, but Hakkai being dead wasn't what had me worried. It wasn't what had me scared.

_"…Hakkai doesn't act like much of a youkai, Gojyo, but he is one, you know…"_

I'd seen that freaky thing Hakkai became without his limiter. Maybe I was the only person alive who'd seen it. Maybe I was the only person who'd seen it and survived—that wouldn't shock me, because Hakkai in youkai form was shit-your-pants crazy scary. Strong. Fast. Violent. Merciless. Just like any youkai, I guess, but seeing the little guy walk around the house, tidying up like a maid, or making a meal for his pet dragon, listening to the ridiculous way he talked…it was just so easy to forget.

Still, if he lost it for some reason…somewhere between falling off that cliff and this place I was standing in front of now, was he going to recognize me? What was I supposed to do if I walked in there and found him shredding humans from top to bottom, stuffing their hearts and guts in his mouth?

The image made me sick, and I had to hunch over to throw up, but it was probably more because of my concussion than anything.

I guess it wasn't the gory thought that bothered me so much, it was picturing _Hakkai_ as being responsible for the mess I'd seen in Tai-Ping village.

_He'd never…_

I wiped my mouth and walked on, feeling my heart rate picking up.

_It doesn't matter if he would or not. I can't just turn around and go home without him._

We had lived together for three years now, and if I just ran away when the shit hit the fan, I'd be just like Banri. That asshole had left me in some seriously tight spots—just walked out when I needed him the most—and I'd always been lucky enough to find some way out of it, and stupid enough to let Banri waltz back in whenever he felt like it.

Hakkai had never walked out on me, not once, even if he had every reason to.

_I'm not like Banri. If Hakkai is here, if he's alive, whether he's crazy or not, I ain't going home without him._

That was the one thing Ton didn't get about this whole situation. It was easy for him to tell me it would be smart to just run away, and even Hakkai would probably want me to just go on without him, but they didn't get it.

I couldn't bear to abandon Hakkai.

I laughed to myself, "That bastard…nothin' but trouble since the first second I saw him. What the hell _is_ it about that guy?"

But I already knew what it was. It had been that way a long time now.

Shakujou in hand, I marched toward the front door.

* * *

><p><strong>Hakkai<strong>

"Hachi."

This situation was beginning to look quite grim for me. I'd been searching for a way out of this place for what felt like days, and now Wen was bleeding to death. I had to carry her, because she couldn't walk. The front of her shirt was soaked with blood and her eyes were glassy and distant, more blood ran from the soft corner of her mouth, and her grip on my shirtfront was weakening by the second.

"Hachi…how much further…?"

I tried to think of ways that I could help her, but I couldn't think of anything at all. My only thought was that I had to get out of here and find Gojyo. It was a toss up as to whether I'd be able to save Wen at all if I had to look all over the countryside for Gojyo, but I didn't want to consider that just yet.

"Aren't we almost home, my love? Aren't we almost home?"

To make matters even worse, my arm was bleeding again, and it was aching. The exertion it took to carry Wen made this rather hard on me.

She leaned against me, mouth warm on my neck, "Hachi…I want to go home." I looked down into her pale, blue eyes. She'd been referring to me that way for a while now, and I knew she had no idea who I was anymore, although I doubted I looked very much like her lover. I didn't have the heart to correct her, so instead I said, "Not long now, darling."

"We've been so far from home…for so long. You've…been away so long, Hachi…where have you been?"

I gathered that Hachi was dead and apparently had been for a while now. It might be the only thing keeping her going at this point, to think that I was him.

"I've been looking for you."

Wen smiled, even while the blood was gushing down her chin, and she nestled her head against my shoulder, sighing contentedly. "My hero."

I petted her hair, absently, and continued walking, just as quickly as my tired body would allow me, "Not long now, sweetheart."

She was quiet a long, long time, only murmuring to herself every here and then, much too quietly for me to understand what she was saying, but it seemed almost as if she was singing something.

I thought hard. It couldn't be too much longer before I was out. I'd been searching for an exit ever since I first ran into Wen, and that felt like it was hours ago. It just couldn't be too much longer before I found my way out, and then I could look for Gojyo and help Wen. We'd all go back to Keiun Temple, and, hopefully, Sanzo would explain everything.

That was quite the idealized notion—that scenario would imply that things were going to start going right: I was going to get out of here alive, with Wen, and wherever Gojyo was, he was going to be okay, and when we got to the temple, Sanzo was going to have all the answers we needed. Realistically, I didn't see how all of that was possible. It seemed much more likely that something was going to go wrong. And soon.

_Things are always going wrong…it seems that I'm constantly powerless to prevent them._

_For example, if my best friend is dead, I'll never be able to forgive myself, just as I can't forgive myself for letting Kanan down._

I thought back on the conversation I'd had with Gojyo, two months ago now, the night he confronted Banri

I knelt down and began cleaning the wound in his side, "It's deeper than it looks, I think, but he missed all your vital organs, and that's what's important."

"Hn. Banri was never very good at knife fights."

"Well, he was good enough to do this, in any case."

Gojyo didn't answer.

I looked up from my work, and our eyes met. "Are you upset with me?"

"Huh? No. Why would I be?"

"I feel as if I've done a lot wrong in the past few days, with not believing you and so forth."

"Yeah, but you already apologized for that."

"The other things I said then…concerning your reaction to your past. I can't tell you how terrible I feel for bringing that up. Especially now, since it wasn't even remotely relevant."

"It's really not that big a deal, Hakkai. Anyway, you're probably right about all that."

"No. No, I'm unquestionably not. You were right—all things considered, you're doing exceedingly well—and I had no right to say those things. It was inexcusable."

Resting his hand on top of my head, Gojyo sighed, "You're always so…hard on yourself, Hakkai. You're always so _down_ on yourself. It's always 'I apologize for this, and I apologize for that', and 'that was inexcusable', or 'uncalled for' or whatever. I'm surprised you don't fall down and start kow-taoing or some shit."

"Yes, but I really am sorry. Truly. When I say those things, it's because I mean it."

"And when I tell you it's okay, don't worry about it, _I_ mean it. It's never as big a deal as you make it seem like."

"Yes, but…I feel like it is."

Gojyo smiled down at me, but it wasn't the archetypal, flippant grin I was used to. It was calm and kind and sincere. I felt certain I'd never seen it before, and in some ways, I was a bit awed by it. "That's 'cause you gotta' figure out how to forgive yourself, 'Kai. You…really suck at that."

_I know I do. You're right. What's more, if it turns out you got killed because of me today, I really won't be able to forgive myself, because you won't be there to tell me to lighten up, or to say it's not a big deal. You won't be able to tell me it's okay._

_How strange… How strange that I need that._

I hesitated in the hall.

Wen had murmured something.

I looked down into her face, "What?"

"H'kkai…" she rasped. It was the first time she'd said my real name in a long time, "…think I heard s'mthing…"

"Something? What?"

But then I heard it too. The drum of boots coming up behind me, men marching without a word.

"No." I whispered. I'd been so caught up in my private thoughts, I'd stopped paying attention to what was happening around me. I stood still a little longer, listening carefully, making sure they were coming our way, and then I murmured a curse and began to jog ahead, moving as silently as I could, lugging Wen with me.

I took corners at random, winding deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of halls, feet slipping and stomping along the concrete floors, the pain in my arm swelling with every moment until I thought I would drop Wen, and just when I felt sure that I'd lost them I saw a parade of shadows on the wall at the end of the hall and heard more marching boots.

Sliding to a halt, I looked for another way to go, ducked down a stairwell. I'd only descended a few flights when I heard the door swing open above me, and the men were thundering down the hall after me. I was breathing hard, sweat streaming down my face—this would be so much easier if my arm hadn't been injured, and I'd certainly feel better if I weren't in this all alone.

Wen's head rolled back and forth in the crook of my arm, "Hachi…Hachi…turn the light off and come to bed…"

"It's all right." I assured, even though I knew I was lying, "Soon."

I came to the bottom flight—I hadn't realized we were so high up. In fact, I hadn't even realized the building had multiple stories, and I thought about how long it had been since I'd seen a window. I still had no idea what time of day it was. Kicking the door open, I bolted back out into the hall, hoping I'd see an exit nearby.

Instead, there was another group of humans standing right in front of me. One aimed a gun at me, "Halt!"

Snarling, I banked hard to the left, sprinting down the corridors. There were windows here, and I could finally see pale, yellow sunlight falling through the glass. Maybe, if I got the chance, I'd be able to break through one and get outside.

The man with the gun took a shot at me, but it missed. Never the less, I began to weave back and forth, horrifically aware of how narrow the hall was and what an easy target I actually made.

And yet, the thought resounded through my head suddenly, _What am I running for?_

For one thing, I had Wen to think of. I had to get her out of here as quickly as I could.

Still. I'd killed a thousand youkai all by myself while I was still just a human. Dispatching this rag-tag squad of scared, angry humans would be all too easy.

_They do have guns though. The moment I show any indication of putting up a fight or posing a threat, they'll shoot me._

_Oh, don't be ridiculous, Hakkai. Get your limiters off, and they won't have a chance to shoot you._

So what was I running for?

_I don't want to. I don't want to do that. I don't want to resort to that. I don't want to _be_ that._

But I might have to.

A couple yards ahead of me, a door in the wall opened and a man stepped out, followed by a dozen more soldiers. I recognized him as the leader Gojyo and I had dealt with on top of the mountain. He stopped in the middle of the hall, the others lining up behind him, forming a human barrier.

Shouting, I skidded to a stop, shoes sliding unsteadily on the slick floor, felt my feet lose contact with the ground, and then I lost my balance. My legs flew out from under me, I lost my grip on Wen, landed hard on my back, and she fell down on top of me, knocking the wind out of me.

Frantically, I thrashed back and forth, trying to push her weighty, useless body off me, but my injured arm was pinned under her shoulder and the pain was excruciating. It was all I could do to wriggle away, and by then, the human leader was standing over us.

He glared down at me like I was an insect, and I lay on my back, breathing hard, lungs hurting just a little, glaring back at him.

With a snort, he kicked Wen away. She rolled a few feet, still mumbling feverishly, "Hachi…Hachi…where are you? I'm trying so hard…I'm trying to find you…"

I sat up stiffly, "Wait!"

He pointed his pistol right at Wen's head.

I had to do something. I had to make a move. I reached for him, started to jump up.

The gun went off, the bang echoing through the blank halls over and over, filling my mind, and I heard my own scream mixing with that awful noise.

Blood exploded from Wen's face, her skull blowing apart. Crimson seeped around her, forming a pool under her shoulders and torso.

Again, he fired, and again and again. He filled her body with holes, shooting her in the chest and the stomach and the arms, shooting arbitrarily, not even aiming really, just shooting. It was horrific watching him blow beautiful Wen's already dead corpse apart.

With a scream of fury, I was up again. I took a swing at him.

He pistol-whipped me in the back of my head and I staggered forward, supporting myself against the wall, trying to clear my vision.

Behind me, I heard a gun cock.

I jumped away at the last possible second, the bullet leaving a small, dark hole in the wall where I'd just been standing.

I turned on him, circling around, eyes scanning for an escape route, but there were soldiers on both sides of me. Above me, there was a window, but it was small and high up. I could reach it, if I had time, but that was one thing I appeared to be completely out of.

_This is not the end of me._

"Why?" I demanded. "Why are you doing all this? Whatever happened in Tai-Ping, I had nothing to do with it, and neither did _she_!"

He didn't answer, just stared with his cold, hateful eyes, and his men were closing in.

I wondered why they hadn't killed me yet, but I wasn't foolish enough to believe it was because they weren't going to—they would kill me just as ruthlessly as they'd murdered Wen, and in this enclosed space, there was very little I could do about it.

And Gojyo…Gojyo was probably dead by now.

I could consider that later, but at the moment, escape was my first priority. It was the only thing I dare focus on.

Yet, there was something else gnawing at the back of my mind.

_These men are responsible for Gojyo's dead, one way or another. They killed Wen—she couldn't even defend herself. She wasn't even aware of her own surroundings. They want to kill me next._

I almost tripped over Wen's body, stepping in her blood, but I couldn't bear to look down at her. I'd seen too many beautiful women die senselessly by this point in my life. I stopped circling, mind racing.

Escaping might not be good enough anymore. Not after everything these people had put me through. They deserved it after the day I'd been having.

I rubbed my injured arm.

_Better still._ I _deserve it._

Their captain watched me curiously, "Aren't you going to run, little youkai?"

_Run where_?

"Perhaps." I began to circle him again.

He laughed, "You're angry, aren't you? You didn't want me to kill her."

"It isn't right. She wasn't even _conscious_ really." I don't know why I thought he would care about that—obviously he'd known that when he did it—but I was desperate to find some way out of this, and if that meant reasoning with this cold-blooded man, so be it.

Vaguely, I wondered what his motives were for this horrible thing he was putting me through.

"I'll tell you what's not right." He spat, "What's not right is that you _monsters_ think you can just do whatever you want. Why? Because you're stronger? You think you can just take us for everything we've got? Our women? Our children? Our food? Our _lives_?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I do know that I've never done anything to you, sir."

My eyes scanned their group again. I was definitely surrounded though. On every side of me, I saw the barrel of a gun, ready, waiting, anxious and eager. They wanted to kill me. It was all they cared about. And at this rate, they might just get their wish.

_I can escape though, can't I?_

When Gan and his men had me at gunpoint it was similar to this moment. I'd been chained up then, and I'd still gotten out of there with my life.

_I had help. The others came to help me, and this time…_

Was there any possibility? I hadn't thought there was last time.

_Sanzo and Goku are miles away—they likely don't even know what sort of predicament I'm in—and Gojyo…_

If Gojyo was alive at all, he didn't know where I was either. How could he?

No one was going to come and save me this time. I'd be stupid to expect it. The only thing I could do was try to save myself.

Without my limiter, it would be easy. So easy.

_Too_ easy.

"Give it up, youkai." The captain ordered.

Doing my best to keep my voice steady, I answered him, "I will give you only one chance to stand aside and let me out of this place."

"What do you take me for? Of course I can't let you out—you'll go crazy and start killing humans, just like all the others."

My blood ran cold, and my heartbeat was fiercer than ever. _What did he just say? Could I have heard him wrong?_

"Hell, you're probably crazy already! Don't even know it." He shook his head. "If you're not, you will be soon—I'm doing you a favor, putting you out of your misery."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I insisted, voice stiff with anxiety. "Look at me—do I seem insane to you? All I want is to go home!"

"It's a clever act, but you can't fool me." He pointed his gun at my face, "You youkai are all alike—brutal and heartless and bloodthirsty."

My voice wavered, "I warned you."

He didn't answer. He was ready to give the signal that would seal my doom.

But I was ready too.

I reached to remove my limiters. "One more chance."

_There's no choice, Hakkai. This is my only possible means of surviving this ordeal, and I refuse to lie down and die just because of some moral inhibition concerning removing my limiter._

As afraid as I was of the thing I became without the limiter, at least I knew that when the nightmare was over, I would still be alive. I would be _me_.

The captain lifted his hand.

All the men lined up behind him raised their guns as well. It looked like they were somewhat short on firearms—not everyone had one—but there were more than enough to kill me a few times over again.

This was my last moment to act. If I took so much as a second longer, I'd be killed.

Directly above me, I heard something slam, and then there was a clatter. Glass scattered down around me, like chunks of heavy, silver rain, followed by splinters of wood, nails and strings of wire, and I realized the window I'd been looking at a moment ago had been broken. Sunlight poured into the dank, dreary hallway. It was bright and yellow and warm.

_The sun…_

It had been so long since I'd seen it. Longer since I'd felt it.

But…

A thick, familiar chain rattled through the air, hissing just past my ear.

Blood squirted, men screamed and fell, clawing at the sky as they died, and Gojyo was suddenly standing right behind me, his back pressed to mine. I smelled cigarette smoke and blood and rain and leather. "There. How'd you like _that_ entrance, 'Kai? Flashy enough for you?"

The sound of his voice made me want to scream and laugh and cry all at the same time. It had been so long since I'd heard it. It seemed like it had been years. I'd completely given up hope on him, and now, here he was. I could barely believe it.

I managed to utter, "I-I think it could have been a bit more timely."

"Gime' a break, would'ja? I've got a fucking migraine."

"That's no excuse for tardiness, I'm afraid."

"Damn, you're tough. Leave ya' alone for a while and you get all bent out of shape."

I risked chancing a glance at him out of the corner of my eye, just to make sure he was really there. I saw some blood streaked along his chin and jaw, and he was a shade too pale, but he looked well enough. He was alive, that was the important thing.

"At any rate, it's good to see that your swim didn't have any long-term negative effects."

"Hey, you know me—I'm a river youkai."

I think he gave me a thumbs up.

The pound of my heart began to slow a bit, and my breathing felt more normal.

"Well, well, well." The captain growled, looking angrier than ever. "My men told me they confirmed that you were dead."

"They musta' lied, boss."

"It hardly matters. Nothing can save the two of you."

"Heh. I think you're seriously underestimating us, asshole. You'll be lucky if you crawl away from this."

"Aim." The captain snapped.

"Gojyo." I laughed a little, feeling much lighter than before, "I hope you're up to this."

"You kiddin'?"

"Fire!"

The muzzles of the guns flashed, the smell of smoke filled the air, and bullets whistled around me, shells clattering to the floor, but it was terrifyingly simple to duck and dodge and dart out of their way, and when they were out of bullets, that's when it was our turn.

Gojyo and I split up. He dove one way, and I went the other, each of us facing a squad of approximately twenty men, all alone.

I went for the captain first, but a few of his men got in the way, protecting him. It hardly mattered—there was no reason to hurry anymore.

Casually, I started taking them out, one at a time.

Gojyo nudged me, "How's your arm?"

"It'll be all right, I think. It does still hurt a little."

He stepped away for a second, and I heard some screaming.

A man flew at me; I grabbed him and tossed him over my leg with ease, busted the face of the next attacker unwise enough to come at me head-on.

After a second, Gojyo was back, retracting the chain of his shakujou. The two of us circled in perfect synchronization.

"Oh my." I laughed again, "It's almost as if we've done this before."

"Right? Try a few million times."

I smiled at the captain, "My apologies, sir, but I doubt you and your men are getting out of this alive."

He stood perfectly still and silent, and another wave of soldiers rushed us.

"Anyway." I battled them back. "How do _you_ feel?"

"Been better, I guess. Like I said—my head's killing me."

His chain flew over my head again, and I watched as it decapitated another five men.

"Yes. That man hit you pretty hard, didn't he?"

"That reminds me, if we run into him, I get dibs."

"I'm sure he's here somewhere."

We fought a while longer. The hall was splattered with blood, the floor slick with it, and I couldn't hardly take a step without tripping over a body.

"Is this all of them?"

"I can't say for sure, but I would assume so, after our fight on the mountain."

It was good to be able to say that. It was good to be able to remember. It was good to not be afraid and sick with worry for someone else.

A man charged me with a long piece of lead pipe, shouting a deranged battle cry.

I kicked him in the stomach, wrenched the pipe out of his hands, and bludgeoned him to death with it.

"You oughta' think about getting some kinda' weapons, Hakkai."

"Thank-you for the feedback, but I've already thought of that. In fact, I think I perfected the technique a few days ago."

He glanced over his shoulder at me, "What technique? What're you talking about?"

"Oh, I don't think it would be wise to use it here though. It might be considered 'overkill'."

"What is it?"

"You'll find out. I'm sure."

We were down to the last ten or so.

"Damn. We are good at this."

"I hate to brag, of course, but I think you're right. Especially considering the way the first favor we did for Sanzo ended."

"The first?"

"The second, I mean."

"Oh yeah. The troll."

"Ogre." I corrected, putting another man out of his misery.

"Whatever it was, that was a freaking disaster."

"Yes. We've learned a lot since then, haven't we?"

Gojyo sliced through a few more men, then hesitated to look at me, "Like what?"

"How to fight together without tripping all over each other for one thing. For another, I learned that you're terrible at making ramen, and that you don't know a wild onion from a pinecone, and that approximately one hour after your last cigarette, you become somewhat…intolerable."

He went on fighting, not saying anything, and for a few moments, I thought he wouldn't. Then he said, "Your birthday's in September, the only way you can have an alcohol tolerance _that_ high would be because your mother put sake in your bottle instead of milk, you've got some sixth sense about card games, and you're completely crazy."

"Ah. And all this time I thought maybe you weren't paying attention."

The captain was shouting orders, screaming, hitting his own men and tearing at his own hair.

"I think we pissed him off." Gojyo snorted.

"He won't have to think about it for much longer."

I darted forward, tossing the pipe to the ground, stepping over bodies as I went, my eyes locked in on the captain.

The man saw me coming and his expression became all the more ferocious. He moved forward to meet me.

We clashed in the middle, exchanging blow for blow.

"Do you have any idea what I've lost?" He grated out.

"No, I'm afraid not." I knocked him back against the wall. "Do you have any idea what _I've_ lost?"

He drove at me, aiming for my injured arm, and I stepped out of the way.

"You youkai are all alike!" He screamed. "Psychotic, unnatural beasts! You all deserve to die!"

I kicked him in the leg, breaking his kneecap, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

He hit the floor heavily, with a loud 'oomph' and a thud.

I stood over him.

"I'm also sorry your crusade to restore justice and order to the world failed.

"Yeah." Gojyo came and stood with his arm on my shoulder—the others were all dead—"Ain't that a bummer?"

"Now you know though, don't you sir?"

The captain shuddered and glared up at us hatefully. "You…you crazy youkai. You'll destroy this whole world!"

"It's the strong who survive."

When all was said and done, I picked up Wen's body and carried her out of that awful place, and we walked a few miles, until Tai-Ping was in sight, neither of us saying a word. I buried her under a large tree, near the river, not knowing what else to do. She had talked as if she didn't have any family left in the world, and if she did, I wouldn't know how to locate them. After all I'd seen and heard today, I wasn't sure it would matter either way.

Somehow, standing over that grave made me miss Kanan all over again.

Gojyo was beside me, and I knew he didn't understand, but he was there, and that was what mattered to me.

"I was thinking about what you told me." I said, when we'd stood there a few minutes.

"What did I tell you?"

"About always being too hard on myself…never forgiving myself, even when others already have."

"Yeah?"

"I decided you're right—I can't spend my whole life apologizing and always feeling regretful of things. I do have to move on, eventually. I suppose…I still have a lot to learn."

"Hell. Who doesn't?"

I faced him, "I'm glad you're alive."

"I'm glad you're not crazy."

"Yes…me too."

He looped his arm around my neck, and we made our way down the hill to the road, where Jeep was waiting. My dragon transformed and flew to me, chirping and singing. He clung to my shirt and licked my face and rubbed his head under my chin. I scratched behind his ears, "Yes, yes. I missed you too, little one."

By that time, I was utterly exhausted, so Gojyo drove, and I fell asleep in the passenger seat. It seemed like only a few seconds later that he was shaking my shoulder and saying my name.

We were sitting outside our house.

"Oh dear." I yawned. "Sanzo wanted us to go straight back and report."

"Yeah. Fuck that. I need cigarettes."

I thought a moment, "Those people we found in Tai-Ping village…"

"Yeah, what about 'em?"

"Youkai killed them."

"I know."

"I can't understand why, but I have this feeling… I saw a few other youkai today, and they were all acting crazy."

"Ton told me that youkai all over Shangri-La have been acting like that…killing people and eating humans and shit."

I shifted around to look at him, "You saw Ton?"

Gojyo just nodded.

"I see. That explains how you got out of the river."

He smiled flippantly, "What makes you think I didn't pull myself out of the river? For all you know, I ran into Ton at the bar before I went to save your ass at-"

"Gojyo." I gave him a frown. "Please don't play the 'I'm too tough to die' game right now."

He looked at me like he was deciding whether or not to take me seriously, and then he said a little more softly, "What about the 'sorry I made you worry' game?"

"I suppose I would accept that. It's more appropriate anyway."

He dug a medicine bottle out of his pocket and handed it to me, "Here. Before I forget."

I inspected it rather skeptically, "Do you _know_ what's in here?"

"Whatever that damn label says. Ton gave them to me. For your arm."

"Well…as long as it was _Ton._" I read the label a moment, then, satisfied they were indeed antibiotics, popped a pill.

Gojyo waited a while before saying, "You know…you kinda' freaked me out too…"

"Oh? Well, it certainly wasn't my intention. This time."

Gojyo gave me a sharp, questioning look, "_This_ time?"

I laughed. "In all seriousness though…I do apologize for making you worry." I patted the bandage on my arm, "And I'm grateful for this…though, I expect it needs to be changed again."

"Yeah, probably. That was at least twenty-four hours ago."

"Only twenty-four hours?"

"Uh-huh. Why?"

"It's nothing. Today was a bit fuzzy…that's all."

"I know what you mean."

We headed inside to change clothes and clean up, and then we attended to each other's wounds, as we usually did. My arm wasn't looking as bad as I expected it to, which was a relief, and I was glad to know that it hadn't been as long as I had thought. I was also relieved to see that, aside from a bruise and an abrasion on his temple, Gojyo was in perfect shape. It was a heavy load off my shoulders to know once and for all that he was okay.

Next, I made lunch, and Gojyo got a new pack of cigarettes out of the freezer, sat smoking at the kitchen table, but neither of us said a word until lunch was over and we'd both finished eating.

Gojyo asked, "What do you think Sanzo sent us up there for?"  
>"I'm still not sure. It could be he had heard about the disappearances in Tai-Ping village."<p>

"Or?"

"Or else, he's gotten wind of the fact that youkai have been going…berserk, if you will."

"What's it got to do with him though? I mean, if the Three Aspects told him to check it out, that would make this a pretty big deal, wouldn't it?"

"I think you're right. In any case, this certainly extends past what we've seen today…." I mused a moment, before adding softly, "It may turn out to be the biggest errand we run for Sanzo yet."

Gojyo whistled, "Damn. I hate hearing that. After the shit we've been through in the last three years…"

"Well, I'm sure you can find some way out of it—assuming the proper excuse comes to you."

"Hey, who said anything about copping out? I just meant that, by this time, we can handle anything that comes our way."

"Mm. I think you're right." I smiled. It did seem that, together, we could accomplish any task.

"Anyway, Guess that means we better go see Mr. Holy, huh?"

"Yes. And the sooner the better. Er, that is, as long as you feel well enough to."

"Who me? Hell. I feel awesome today, let's go see Sanzo." He grinned.

I found myself smiling back, almost inescapably, it seemed, and then we locked up our house and made our way back toward Chang'an; in that moment, it didn't matter to me where this path took us, or how great the adventure turned out to be—although, I felt it would undoubtedly be bigger than ourselves this time—all that mattered was that I knew that, wherever I was going, I was going with someone I could inherently, consistently rely on, and that in itself was good enough for me.

* * *

><p><strong>~Preview~<strong>

**Saiyuki: Teenage Wasteland**

I hit Hakkai hard, and for an instant, I think he caught me in his arms, breaking the fall, before we both fell to the ground in a cloud of dust. I got the wind knocked out of me, writhed back and forth, trying to catch my breath, while Hakkai disentangled himself and brushed dirt off his pants and jacket.

"Thought you weren't gonna' catch me." I coughed.

"I decided it was better than carrying you back down all those stairs."

Painfully, I sat up, looked the finger over. "Well damn." Then I popped the ring off, turning it over in my hand. It was just a little bigger than average, thicker also, and it was pretty plain. Solid copper, probably—Hakkai, apparently, would know more about it than I did—with some scrapes and scores along the band, and a weird, little symbol of a flame engraved into it. There was some writing on it too, but it wasn't a language I knew. "At least I got it. We better beat it before the monks come back from vacation and find out I broke their statue."

Hakkai laughed, "I'd be much more worried about the Goddess of Mercy striking you down for the defilement of her image." He stopped suddenly, "What's this?"

I was half-smirking when I looked up, but that stopped when I saw the shocked, somewhat horrified expression he was wearing.

"Gojyo?" His voice sounded scared.

And then I saw that he was holding a crumpled piece of paper between his hands; not just any piece of paper though, one of the wanted posters—the one Tai had shown me earlier.

As quickly as I could, I snatched it away from him. It must have fallen out of my pocket when I landed on him. Shit. I stuffed it into my hoodie, even though it was no use; he'd had more than enough time to read it.

"It's nothing, Hakkai."

His eyes were huge, "You call being wanted for fifty-million yen nothing?"

"It's no big deal."

"What are you wanted _for_?"

Trying to look like I didn't care, I held the ring up, slid it onto my thumb, seeing how it was the only finger it would fit on.

"For stealing rare, precious, might I add, _dangerous_ items from people?"

"It's not worth fifty million though."

"Honestly? You don't think it's worth fifty million yen? A book that can answer any question? A flower that can supposedly contact the dead?"

A deep, guttural voice echoed through the courtyard. "Your friend is right, boy. You're playing with powers you don't fully comprehend."

We both jumped up, looking for the source of the voice. I found it on the top step of the building entrance: a tall, meaty man, not really fat, but definitely not muscular either. He looked fully human, dressed in a suit of all things—black on white with a bowtie—chunky rings on his fingers, black hair slicked back, with pale, green eyes, as hard as stones. There were two men standing on either side of him, wearing the same uniforms the men who'd chased us at the Wu mansion had worn, and they had guns. I backed into Hakkai, gesturing silently.

He made a gesture of his own, and I noticed that we were completely surrounded—men were standing in the entrance we'd come through, along the tops of the walls, and around the perimeter of the courtyard, watching and waiting for their orders.

"Who are you?" I demanded, trying not to sound scared.

"I must admit, I'm hurt that you don't know me, especially when I've come to feel as if I know you personally over the last few months."

"You don't know anything about me." I snorted.

"Sha Gojyo." He announced clearly, making his way down the steps. "Sixteen years old as of this previous November, approximately five foot nine; a hanyou runaway who came to An Jin three years ago. Before An Jin, you were living in Pei-Tao, where you got into a little too much trouble and had to get out of town." He reached the ground level and was coming toward us now, "Before that, no one can quite say where you came from. My guess is, you're either an orphan whose parents abandoned him at birth, or you ran away from home because they were taking their frustrations out on you. You're a cheat, a liar, a slut. And a thief."

"How do you know all that?" I snapped, holding my breath.

"Because, when you're as rich as me, you can pay to know or own anything. It was all a matter of a little cash here and there, asking the right people the right questions, and there you have it. However, in spite of it all, I still want to help you."

"Yeah, I bet."

The man laughed at me, lighting a fat cigar, "You really are just a damn kid, aren't you? Both of you? I have to say, when my captain of security told me two kids took off with my Wizard's Medallion, I barely believed it, and yet, here you are, still up to the same dirty tricks."

"Wizard's Medallion?" Hakkai breathed.

"That makes you old man Wu." I looked the fat fucker over again. He was dressed the part anyway.

"I bet you thought you were pretty clever breaking into my home and stealing my medallion, don't you? Thought you'd get away with it? Believe me though, I've had you in my sights ever since, and things will go much easier for you, and your little accomplice, if you give me back my medallion."

"As if I'm just carrying it around with me."

"Not even _you're_ that stupid, Sha Gojyo. Tell me where it is and we can put an end to this, right now." He smiled sharkishly.

"Don't have it. I sold it already."

"I hope for your sake, that isn't true."

"For my sake or not, it is true."

"Then you'd better get it back."

"It's not that simple."

"I didn't ask if it was simple, kid."

I started telling him to go fuck himself, when Hakkai suddenly touched my arm and said, "Excuse me, Mr. Wu. Can't we come to some sort of agreement? Just how valuable is this medallion of yours? Isn't it possible we could pay you?"

Was he an idiot? He'd seen the thing just as well as I had—it looked way too expensive to just pay for.

Unless he was just bluffing, to get us out of this situation. Had to be.

"I like the way you think, Cho Hakkai, you've got sense—which is more than your idiot friend can say—but unfortunately, the intrinsic value of the Wizard's Medallion is not what I'm concerned with."

"What do you mean?"

"I paid for that medallion myself, almost thirty years ago, back when I was a brash, young man, and it was worth more then than two rapscallions like yourselves could dig up in a lifetime, but the money isn't what concerns me. It's the power of the medallion—it's not something to be taken lightly, just as the power of that ring, and of the flower, and the book and the dagger aren't to be taken lightly. For thirty years, that medallion has brought nothing but misfortune to my family. I found out too late that it causes woe to all who dare to use it. Why did you think it was locked up in my guest house, as opposed to on display in my mansion?

"With the Wizard's Medallion, boys, you can look into the future: you can see all the pain and joy and love and loss that awaits you in life. You can see untold things—gaze far ahead to the end of the world, if you like—but that knowledge is a terrible thing to bear, so I've kept the medallion all this time, shielding the world from the evil magic that created and controls it, even now, exposing myself to its tragedy, just to ensure that it never falls into the wrong hands.

"And that is why I must get it back. As soon as possible."

The wrong hands? Just what was Dasha collecting all this shit for? Why was I the one paying for it?

"That's exactly why I said I want to help you." Wu fixed his eyes directly on me, "It's obvious you're nothing but a dumb kid, misdirected by someone else, either tricked or paid to steal my medallion, and as long as you continue to play with these items, not even knowing what they are, you are flirting with disaster. It goes without saying, I have nothing against you kids—I'm a quiet man who enjoys the finer things in life—I'm not interested in violence. All I want is to get my medallion back, safely, and for you two dumb asses to stop meddling with powers you don't understand."

I laughed at him, and he frowned deeply.

"What's so funny, Sha Gojyo?"

"What _is_ so funny?" Hakkai asked sharply.

"This is such bullshit. You acted like you know _so_ much about me, but if you'd really sunk your teeth into the material, you'd know there's no way I'm gonna' just quit and give you your fancy, little bauble back. Sure, what you're saying sounds pretty scary, but I got way too much at stake to just go home and forget about it, and in the end, I ain't scared of you, or magic, or the gods, or anything else."

His eyes got even darker, "I see. It seems you'll need a physical demonstration."

"Oh please. You ain't gonna' do shit to me, fucker. If you do, you'll never find out what happened to your precious, little necklace."

Even as I was talking though, he pulled a pistol out of his jacket, aiming right for me. It looked pretty heavy duty too—a forty cal, if I knew anything about guns…which I guess I didn't know much.

"Wait a moment." Hakkai said quickly, "Mr. Wu, I beg of you. This isn't necessary."

"Don't worry, Hakkai. He won't do it." I snorted some smoke in Wu's direction. "The Wu's ain't the type to go around shootin' kids, like he said."

"Not even hanyou kids?" Wu grinned darkly.

I almost rethought what I was saying. But what the hell? If I looked scared or like I was so much as reconsidering, he'd see through my bluff, and then he really would shoot me. Maybe Hakkai too.

"Mr. Wu." Hakkai said a little more firmly. "Please. My friend's an idiot—he has no idea what he's doing."

"He's about to figure it out."

I flipped him off. "Bring it on, you pieca' shit-"

I heard the echoing, loud bang of the gun. Saw the spark of gunpowder and the recoil, throwing his arm back. All of it was familiar.

Hakkai screamed my name.

Suddenly, pain sparked right in the middle of my chest. I felt the bullet hit. The impact knocked me down again, throwing me back a few feet.

How about that? That fat fuck actually did it.


	15. Chapter 15

**My first official 'non-mission'. Don't expect them to go in any particular order, since I'm just sort of coming up with them arbitrarily.  
><strong>

Not Like Him

It was a little too cold tonight, and the wind was a little too harsh. Everything was a little too quiet, and the sky was just a little too dark. I'd had just a little too much to drink.

My head was spinning, and aching, along the bridge of my nose and across my forehead, I was uncomfortably full, like I'd had too much to eat, and the hand that was holding my cigarette was ice-cold, turning numb. I felt heavy and clumsy, tripping all along the road and scuffing the soles of my boots across uneven ground, eyelids drooping as I forced myself to stay awake for the long, unsteady walk home. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been this drunk, and I was starting to feel sort of sick to my stomach. I didn't want anything more than just to be home.

Sort of…

If I could sneak in under the radar, get to bed without drawing Banri's attention, that would be best. Getting drunk with Banri was fun, most of the time, but I couldn't remember why he hadn't gone with me tonight, and he had this way of turning into an asshole when he was sober and I wasn't—he loved watching me stumble around the house like an idiot, laughing his ass off the whole time, and tonight, I was drunk enough that there'd be plenty for him to laugh at. Unless he'd gone to bed already.

I had no idea what time it was, so I couldn't even guess at whether he'd be there to greet me or not.

I took a misstep, staggered to the edge of the road and barely managed to catch myself on the trunk of a tree before falling on my face. I stood there a couple moments, hanging on and trying to get my balance, but my head was spinning worse than ever, and I felt dangerously close to passing out or falling down or at least throwing up.

"Shit." I spat, beginning to stumble forward again.

It had really been a long time since I was this drunk. Life had been busy lately, I guess.

Still, even when there was nothing else to do, I didn't usually wind up this trashed. I liked to think my alcohol tolerance was pretty high for someone my age. I had to work at it to get this fucked up.

The wind blew right at me, and I finished my cigarette, tucked both hands into my pockets, feeling my winnings from earlier, heavy and reassuring. At least I'd done good tonight, before getting all smashed.

Up ahead, my house came into view. A few lights were on, which meant my room mate was still up, probably, so it couldn't be all that late. Great.

Maybe he'd been drinking too, and then he wouldn't be as much of a dick as usual. Nah. It wasn't like Banri to sit home and drink by himself.

Why didn't he go with me tonight? I couldn't remember.

I looked up—the moon was a blurry, white, half-circle, drifting dangerously close to the western horizon. "Damn. Wha' time _is_ it?"

I couldn't figure that out any better than why Banri had opted to stay home.

Whatever.

I stumbled up to the door, struggling to keep on my feet.

Inside. I just had to get inside. At this point, I'd be happy to fall facedown on the couch, Banri or no Banri.

As it turned out, it didn't really matter. I lost my balance when I went to take the first step, fell forward, groping wildly at the air, the door and the knob, anything really, that I could grab onto. I landed hard, side bruising against the corner of the second step, and then I lay there for a second or two, completely stunned, before I started laughing at myself.

"Oh man." I rested my dizzy head against my left forearm, threading my fingers through my hair. "Man. 'm I fucked up'r wha'?"

I was there for forever, the cold creeping into my skin and reaching down the back of my neck, but I couldn't force myself to get up. Every time I even tried to sit up, the dizziness would hit me worse than ever, practically knocking me down again, and the nausea got worse every time too, until it was all I could do to choke back the vomit.

Maybe it was best to stay put. I could just stay, until I started to sober up or feel better. If I waited long enough, maybe Banri would go to bed.

It didn't really matter if it was the best idea. It didn't even matter if I _wanted_ to spend the next hour or two, lying on my face on the front steps of my own house. I knew damn well I didn't have the coordination to drag my own ass up and inside right now. I was stuck out here until I started feeling better.

I gave into the feeling of being sick at last, leaned over the side of the steps to puke, and it was all I could do not to fall off. "F-fuck…" I stuttered, wiping my mouth with the back of my sleeve.

What a shitty night. When was the last time I'd been _this _drunk?

I closed my eyes—I'd been drunker, obviously. A while back, I'd gotten even more fucked up than I was now, and I'd practically crawled home, but by the time I got to my front door, I couldn't even stand up. I'd been stupid enough to knock and call for Banri—why I'd done that, I'd never get, but I was never going to do it again—and he'd come, opened the door, stood over me a while, laughing and making fun of me, and then he called me an asshole for waking him up, slammed the door in my face, and I wound up sleeping outside anyway.

A real charmer, that guy.

Oh well—that was just life, I guess. Win some. Lose some. Sleep some nights on the front steps, cold or no cold. Anyway, I'd be an idiot to expect him to act any differently tonight, and I knew it, so I might as well keep my face shut.

I don't know how much longer I was there. The ground was tilting, and I was feeling sicker than ever, and it was all I could do to just hold still; then, I heard footsteps inside the house, coming toward the door.

"Shit, shit, shit." I forced myself to sit up—because I'd be damned if I was going to look this pathetic in front of him—and by then, the door swung open, and blazing, gold light escaped, burning my eyes, making the ache in my face even worse.

He stood over me, looking surprised, "Oh, I thought I heard you out here."

_Hakkai?_

That was right. I didn't live with Banri anymore. I lived with Hakkai…

He was watching me curiously, that strange smile on his lips, but he wasn't jeering and making fun of me for falling down. "Well? Are you coming inside, or would you like to spend the night out there?"

"Wha? Nah…I'm comin' in. Jus' gime' a sec."

"A wise choice." He held his hand out to me, "It's unusually cold tonight, and I see you didn't have the sense to wear a jacket."

"Wasn't cold when I left." I snorted, grabbed his hand after another moment of sitting there, acting like an idiot.

"Yes. Well, I distinctly recall advising you to take one." Hakkai pulled me up, and I stumbled into the warm, bright house, tripping on the last step and almost falling face first again.

Hakkai steadied me, "Easy now."

I stood for a moment in the doorway, staring at the house; it was so organized and pristine now, it was still weird to see. I couldn't believe how different it looked from when Banri lived here with me. I half-turned to my room mate, still expecting to see Banri somewhere, but now I was remembering that the asshole had ditched me last week, sold me up a creek to save his own ass, and I'd probably never be hearing from him again.

Hakkai looked back at me, expectantly, hand still on my back, "Is something wrong?"

"Nah. Jus' di'n't think you'd be up. Wha' time issit?"

He smiled brightly, "Almost four. I was about to go to bed when I heard someone losing their lungs all over the steps and decided to investigate."

"Wha'ever man." I didn't even want to think about why he was still up when it was almost four. I guess I didn't want to admit that he'd been waiting for me. "Wha'ever. Hey, 's'not that late. Wanna' have a drink with me?"

"Oh." Hakkai's voice took on a mildly concerned tone as he watched me swagger across the room. "Is that really a good decision? It looks as though you've had more than enough already."

"'s cool, y'know? I'm good."

I'd only gone a few steps when I lost my balance again, fell over, snagging at the couch, and landed on my back in front of it, rolling and laughing. "'Kay, maybe it's _not_ a good idea."

"Yes, perhaps not." He stood over me again, but he wasn't laughing like Banri would be. Looking at him, you'd think me falling down like that was the least funny thing he'd ever seen, and then, when he leaned down to grab my arm and pull me up onto the couch, I heard him mutter, "You'd think I'd be getting used to this by now."

I flopped back on the couch, still kind of laughing, and let my head sink into the cushions.

Hakkai went around into the kitchen. I heard him call to me, "You seem more than usually intoxicated."

"Nn. I know. Guess I overdid it."

"Albeit, I haven't known you all _that_ long, but I've never seen you too drunk to stand before."

"Hey. Hey, I walked all th' way _here_, 'kay? That's somethin', ain't it?"

"Miraculous." He reappeared beside me, offering me a tall glass of something clear and cold.

"Whassat?"  
>"Water. It helps to drink it throughout intoxication in order to keep hydrated and so there's something aside from alcohol in your bloodstream—I'm surprised you didn't learn that before now."<p>

"Ha ha. Ver' funny, smart ass." I took the water and drank some of it down, while Hakkai stood by, watching me. "What's up with ya'?"

"With me? Nothing. Why do you ask?"

"You're jus' standin' there like ya' want somethin'."

"I don't want anything. However, I am wondering if something might be wrong."

"Nope. Ev'rything's good."

"As I said, I'm not accustomed to seeing you quite _this_ drunk, and I can't help but feel that something's troubling you."

I shook my head, "Like I said, 'Kai. Jus' overdid it."

"I see. I'm worrying for nothing. Still, the episode with treasury thieves from earlier this week was…traumatic."

"I dunno' if I'd go _that_ far."

"You had a gun aimed at your face." He pointed out, "And someone you considered a friend bartered away your life to save his own."

I looked away, pretending the rip in the upholstery on the back of the couch was really interesting.

Hakkai finished casually, "It could be construed as traumatic, don't you think?"

"Maybe." I mumbled. I guess I had been doing a pretty good job of not letting what happened with that whole thing bother me too much. In a way I'd been ignoring it. So I didn't think I'd gone out to purposely get ridiculously drunk over it, but I guess I'd been thinking about Banri a lot, and if I was honest with myself, I was bothered by what he did, I think mostly because getting walked out on and left behind, no matter how dire the situation was, was starting to feel really familiar, and I didn't want to get used to it. There was something really shitty about knowing someone wasn't coming back for you and still hoping they might. It wasn't something I wanted to go through over and over.

"At the very least, I don't think it would be unreasonable to be somewhat troubled by it." Hakkai finished, studying my face.

"'S'no big deal."

"I'm glad. But, it wasn't silly of me to think that it might be, am I right?"

"Naw, man, it's…it's cool that you'd even care 'bout that."

He smiled, "Think nothing of it."

"Anyway." I grinned, rolled unsteadily to my feet, "I'm gonna' land some sleep. 'Night pal."

My room wasn't that far away—I wasn't that drunk—I thought I could make it.

On my first step, I kicked over the glass of water I'd set down, spilling it all over the carpet. On the next step, I crashed into the end table, knocked the lamp onto the floor, and then, when I was steadying myself against it, I wound up knocking the table over too.

Hakkai jerked me upright and put his arm around my waist, "Please. Allow me to assist you—I'd rather not have to replace all our furniture."

Laughing, I put my arm on his shoulder, gripping a fistful of his shirt, "Man, 'm _so_ drunk."

"Yes, I know. Here, now watch your step."

I checked around the house again, still thinking I might see Banri somewhere. On nights like this, he would have loved to push a chair out in front of me, just so he could have a good laugh when I tripped over it, or to shove me around a little, because I couldn't do dick about it. He never would have helped me, whether it was for the furniture or not.

"Y'know man. You're real' weird…but 'm glad ya' ain't like him."

"_Him_?" Hakkai gave me a startled look, "Banri, you mean?"

"Yeah. You're nothin' like 'im."

"Yes, I know. And still…I'm surprisingly relieved to hear such an obvious fact stated out loud."

"Yeah. Don't blame ya'." I almost lost my footing again.

Hakkai held me up, "Just a little further."  
>I leaned heavily against him, closing my eyes, and then, before I knew it, I was in my room, Hakkai laying me down on the bed. I watched as he pulled my boots off, said drowsily, "This's weird."<p>

"Yes, I know. I suppose though, if I have to get used to it, you might as well too. It's not as if you'll remember any of this tomorrow anyway."

I hesitated a second, "I meant…all this. You bein' here…us livin' t'gether. Th' way it happened. Ev'rything."

"Oh, that. You've no one but yourself to blame for it."" Hakkai smiled and slapped my face twice, either a very light strike or a rough pat on the cheek. He'd never done anything like that before, and it was weird too.

"Right…"

"Anyway, you'd best get some sleep—the sun is going to rise soon—and I suggest you lay on your side, just in case."

As if I didn't know that. I turned onto my side anyway, "Wha'ever ya' say, Mom."

Hakkai went on smiling and shook his head at me, but I didn't feel like he was disappointed or irritated—not that I would give a shit if he was I guess—but it was kinda' cool for once, having someone who didn't look at me like I was a piece of shit. Then he went over and pulled my curtains shut, shutting out the moonlight.

I heard his voice in the dark. "Goodnight."


	16. Chapter 16

**This is full of angsty Hakkai drama. Consider yourself warned.**

A Day Without A Smile

Rain drops were running over the window, and I could hear the faint drum of the drops against the roof. The house seemed colder than usual, especially considering that it was late spring, but worse than the chill in the air was the creeping, twisting feeling inside of me, as if a root was in my stomach, growing up through my esophagus and choking me. I was trembling lightly as I sat, perfectly still, gazing out at the rain, feeling torn between bursting into tears and running back to my room to hide under the covers.

_It's not a nightmare. It really happened._

Even now, I was thinking I might wake up beside her, come to in the house we had shared, find her somewhere, across the room, preparing a meal or cheerfully washing the dishes.

_Today…_

My eyes burned.

It snuck up on me.

I glanced around the stark, cold, little house, desperately looking for any sign of her.

Gojyo was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and smoking without a word. In the pale, gray light, he looked dark and thin, the only form of life in this bitter place, and there was nothing in sight to remind me that she had ever existed. I'd brought precious few things with me from our home, because I'd been expecting to go back to it. My dagger, which she'd killed herself with. The pocket watch she'd given me, which I'd left at the sight of Hyukugan Maoh's castle as a memorial to her departure. The clothes on my back, which had been so torn and blood stained that they'd long since been disposed of. Now there was nothing. Nothing but Gojyo, smoking in the kitchen.

Still, even the sight of him was more comforting than I expected. He looked real and strong and warm, and I felt the inexplicable urge to go to him and throw my arms around his neck and cry against his shoulder.

Shuddering, I drew my sweater more tightly around myself.

Gojyo may or may not allow such behavior, but it hardly mattered, because I didn't think I could tolerate such weakness in myself. If I indulged it, I might find it impossible to get back.

"Damn, you look blue today."  
>It took me a moment to realize he was looking back at me—in fact, I think he'd been watching me all along—and now he was speaking. I tried to organize my thoughts and answer.<p>

"Hm?"

"I said you look seriously bummed."

"Oh. No. I'm just lost in thought."

"Must be some sucky thoughts." He straddled the chair across from me. "You look totally depressed."

I turned my attention to the window once more, watching the rain drizzle down. It had to be raining. Why? It was almost as if the world knew what day it was, and the gods were throwing it in my face.

"Hakkai?"

I barely turned to him, "Hm? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't hear what you said."

He scowled at me a little, but I recognized that it was his 'worried' face rather than his 'irritated' face. After almost a year, I knew the two apart, most of the time. Worried seemed a bit more common than irritated.

"I said, are you cool?"

"I do feel somewhat…cold…"I murmured, more to myself than to him, shivered again, and I pressed my hand to my forehead, half expecting to find my body wracked with some horrific fever, but my skin felt unusually clammy, my bare feet felt like blocks of ice.

"Not cold. _Cool._ I asked if you're _cool_, Hakkai. I mean, are you all right?"

"Yes. I'm fine."

"Right. You sick or something?"

"Of course not." I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling how greasy and dirty it was. When was the last time I showered?

What a terrible day this was turning out to be. I glanced up at the clock, stared at it for several minutes, trying to convince myself that what I saw was the truth. I had thought it was morning, but…

"It's past noon…"

"Um, yeah. Want some lunch or something?"

"No." I found myself shivering again. The sweater was doing a poor job of keeping me warm, I suppose that was because I wasn't wearing anything under it. Still, was it always this terribly cold in late spring? I'd rather not know. I'd rather not find out. I'd rather not remember. I got up suddenly, "I'm going back to bed."

He looked back at me steadily, "Y'huh. You don't look so good.

"I'm not ill." I said, rather impatiently, and then I nearly told him what the real problem was, barely stopped myself in time.

"Whatever, man. Just take care of yourself."

Indeed. I had every intention of taking all the sleeping aids we had in the medicine cabinet and going into a coma for the rest of the week, and hopefully, when I came to—if I came to—the rain would be gone, the memories would be faded, and the pain would be dull, and I could go back to living day by day. Maybe then everything would seem brighter and warmer.

I was only halfway across the room when there was a knock on the front door. I froze where I was and stared at it, half expecting it to throw itself open, letting in the cold of the storm. But I had my hopes for who it might be as well, even when I knew that it was completely impossible for her to be here now. I suppose I was still awaiting the end of the dream, feverishly, almost, because I wasn't really sure I could go through the rest of my life this way, so totally alone.

Gojyo stepped around me with a long look, "It's not like it's a ghost, dude."

"No, of course not."

He opened the door, and Sanzo marched in, as if he were expected, drenched and frowning more than ever. Goku was right behind him.

I sighed, "Oh."

"What the hell're you doing here?" Demanded Gojyo.

Sanzo was shaking his robes out, "Believe me, I didn't _want_ to come."

"So why did you?"

Goku ran straight over to greet me, "Hey, Hakkai!"

"Good afternoon, Goku." I mumbled, feeling anything but social. I really wanted nothing more than to go back to bed, and I hadn't been expecting to entertain company today. "How are you?"

"Good. Here, checkit out—we brought'cha' somethin'." He produced a brown paper sack, which he'd been keeping dry under his shirt, and offered it to me.

I looked at it stupidly, "I see."

"Take it." He shook it.

Reluctantly, I accepted, opened the bag to find two small, white dollops of dough decorated with green frosting leaves. They appeared to be a bit disfigured, likely from journeying through the rain, tucked beneath Goku's shirt, and the frosting was a little smeared.

"They're bean jam buns." Goku said after a few moments had passed. "Ya' like 'em, right?"

"Yes. Of course. …Thank-you."

"What's with that?" Gojyo came over and shoved Goku's head down, "You didn't bring _me_ anything."

"Ow! That's 'cause ya' don't deserve nothin', ya' kappa jerk-face!"

They started to bicker; I tuned them out and continued staring down into the bag.

She used to make the best home-made bean jam buns. Their mouth-watering scent used to fill the house until I could hardly stand it. There were so many wonderful things she used to cook. Lovely things. Things she'd never cook again.

Sanzo was speaking to me. I forced myself to focus on what he was saying. "How are things around this dump? I'm surprised you two haven't killed each other yet."

"Why would we do such a thing?"

"Living with _that_ idiot? I think I would have killed him a long time ago."

"I see."

He watched me a while, saying nothing.

Goku broke off to raid the kitchen, and I watched him pour through the cupboards, noisily, complaining about how hungry he was. I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten or what it had been, and yet I didn't feel hungry. Rather, there was still that sick, tight feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my skin was freezing.

At last, I turned to Sanzo again, "What did you come here for, exactly?"

"The monkey wanted to. Ask him. Anyway, we can't stay long."

"It's just as well. I wasn't really expecting…company."

"What _were_ you expecting, Hakkai?"

I blinked, glanced at him, "Excuse me?"

"You look like…" He trailed away, shook his head and took a puff off his cigarette.

"Like _what_?" I asked caustically.

"Like shit."

"Is that so? Well excuse me for not being dressed to the nines for your arrival, but I had no idea you were coming."

"It looks like you didn't bother to get dressed at all, Hakkai. It looks like you dragged your ass out of bed five minutes ago."

"And so what if I do? I don't see how it's any business of yours."

"Don't get all dramatic. I told you you look like shit, because you do."

"Then I suppose I'm expected to be grateful for the honesty, is that it?"

"You could think about pulling yourself together, instead of acting like a maniac."

"So is this what you came here for? To insult me to my face, in my own home?"

"Do you _think_ that's why I came here?"

I barely recognized how calm his voice was; I barely realized that I was practically screaming. Gojyo and Goku were standing by, quietly watching us.

"I have no idea what you're here for—I suspect it's because you have some new harebrained errand you'd like us to run—whatever the case may be, I'm not sure a couple of stupid buns are worth the visit."

His voice was a little sharper, "Those _stupid_ buns were Goku's idea. He wanted to come see you because-"

I didn't want to hear the reason. I didn't want to have to listen to anything else; I was afraid of the real reason they'd come, I suppose, and I didn't want to be confronted with it. I shouted, "Out!"

Sanzo gawked at me, evidently stunned that I'd not only shouted at him, but that I'd so adamantly cut off what he was going to say. I could feel the others staring at me as well, and I already knew what they were all thinking. I shuddered again.

After a moment, he attempted to speak again, and I was just as quick to interrupt him, if not a bit quieter, "I'll have to ask you to leave now, Sanzo."

He didn't say anything for a few more seconds, and then, for some reason, he looked over at the other two, and the expression the three of them shared gave me the distinct feeling that they were all sharing the same silent opinion about me, and that was a thought that made me feel sick to my stomach.

When the silence had endured a while, Gojyo spoke. "See you guys later."

Sanzo turned to give me a frown, and then he snorted. "Let's go, Goku."

"But Sanzo-"

"I said we're leaving. Obviously we're not welcome here." He strode for the door.

Goku lingered as he passed me, "Um, Hakkai? Are you okay?"

"Good afternoon, Goku." I answered, feeling colder and more tired than ever, "Thank-you again, for the buns…"

He looked at me as if I was supposed to say more, and then he nodded, slowly, followed Sanzo with a short wave at Gojyo.

Once they were gone, I went and all but threw myself down on the couch, pressing my face to the worn, faded upholstery, feeling afflicted with a certain kind of misery that no one could stand up to.

_Oh, Kanan. One year ago. It was not a dream. This is truly is my reality… If only I could have died with you…_

"Oy."

I opened my eyes and looked up to see Gojyo standing over me, his face little more than a careful mask.

"What was that?"

"What was what?" I asked tiredly.

"You were just screaming at Sanzo. Why?"  
>"He irritated me…I suppose."<p>

In my own mind, I knew it didn't make any sense for me to have lashed out at Sanzo that way, and I searched for a way to justify it. "He was being somewhat indelicate."

Gojyo didn't say anything, and in a way, I was grateful for the silence, and at the same time, I hated the stillness that seemed to be all around us. I longed for him to say something to dispel the root of misery that was growing inside of me, even while knowing that there was nothing he could do. There was nothing anyone could do.

I sighed, deeply. "If you'll excuse me." Then I rolled over, turning my back to him.

For a long time, I could sense him standing there, watching me, not saying a word. The presence should have been comforting, but suddenly I didn't want him to see me acting this way. I didn't want him and the others to think me pathetic.

Eventually, I asked, rather coldly, "Did you need something?"

"Huh? No. Not really. Want me to go away?"

I was silent a little longer, trying to decide if that was what I wanted or not, and then I mumbled, "Do whatever you want."

"Hn. You and Sanzo have more in common than I thought."

"Is that supposed to be a compliment or an insult?"

"Pfft. A _compliment_, obviously."

"Coming from you, I should think it would be an insult."

"Am I that much of an asshole?"

"…I didn't say you were."

"But you were thinking it. Right? _Right_?"

I tilted my head to glance up at him, saw the typical grin and the mischievous eyes.

"Yeah?"

"You have no idea what I'm thinking of, Gojyo."

His smile only slipped a little, but he was quick to recover, "Well _yeah._ I barely know what _I'm_ thinking, most of the time."

"How is that even possible?"

"Instincts, dude. I see a whore—gotta' fuck her. Pass a bar—gotta' have a drink. I don't think I _ever_ make any _real_ decisions. That's why you can't blame me for the dumb shit I do—I don't know any better."

"What are you-"

"Guess me and the monkey have something in common, huh?"

"I don't think either of you are stupid."

"That's just 'cause you're such a nice guy."

_A nice guy_.

I remembered quite vividly how easily I'd chopped through the people in my own village—men, women and children alike, and then the words practically fell out of my mouth, "Don't you have any idea who you're living with?"

"What did I just tell you? You're lucky I noticed I'm living with somebody at all."

I was quiet, trying to sort through his tone. It was light and flippant, and I didn't detect any sincerity in it whatsoever, but what he was saying was starting to bother me a little, and I couldn't understand why he was acting this way. The only thing I could think to say was, "That's nonsense. I refuse to believe you're that obtuse."

Gojyo laughed, "Hey, take it easy with the fancy words."

"Gojyo, I know you know what obtuse means, even if you've only figured it out contextually."

"You're giving me a ton of credit today."

I suppose, normally I was quick to tease him about most anything, unconcerned about him taking it the wrong way, because he so seldom did. Still, I couldn't understand why he would go out of his way to act in this manner. It was as if he was trying to fill the void of our normal conversations and bickering.

"Believe me, I only give credit where credit is due."

"See how nice you are to me? A worthless mutt like me doesn't deserve-"

I sat up suddenly, almost shouting, "Stop it."

Gojyo arched his eyebrows, "Stop what?"

"Stop what you're doing. At once."

"I'm not doing any-"

"Stop beating yourself up."

"I'm just playing."

"Playing." I snorted, "_Why_? What could possibly be funny about _anything_ you just said?"

"I-"

"Do you really think you can make me feel better by acting this way? Am I supposed to laugh along with you and agree that you're stupid and unpleasant and worthless?"

"Dude, I'm just _kidding_ with you."

"Don't. I'm not in the mood to bicker with you-I'm not in the mood for _any_ of this—and if I don't feel like putting you down, playfully or otherwise, don't go out of your way to make up for it."

He seemed a bit subdued at that, "Sorry, man. It's just…I can't make fun of _you_ right now, obviously."

"So don't make fun of anything, hasn't that ever occurred to you?"

He looked back at me a moment before standing up again and walking away, back into the kitchen, where he paced around a bit, hesitating in front of the window a while. "Sorry."

Instead of answering, I laid back down, thinking. I'd never seen him do anything like that before, and I wondered just how out of sorts I must be to provoke him into behaving so out of character. Suddenly, I couldn't help blurting out, "I'm the one who should be sorry, I suppose."

"What? Why?"

"…I ought to just go back to bed rather than dragging you into my moodiness."

He was above me again, leaning down with his arms folded on the back of the couch, smirking a little, "Hey, it's not like you can't be this way around me. I just hafta' figure out how to deal with it, that's all."

For a long moment, I looked back at him, and again, spoke without thinking it through, "How can you always be like that?"

"Like what?"

"You're so…unshakeable."

"Heh. Not really."

I suppose I'd seen him shaken up his fair share of times, but it was a difficult thing to accomplish, in its own way. He always stood his ground, and he never seemed to let his personal heartaches affect him; at least, not to the same degree that I did. It made me feel a bit foolish.

"Never mind, Hakkai." He said, as if he were able to hear what I was thinking. "Just do shit the way you wanna'."

"I'm just sorry you have to see me this way."

"We live together. It was bound to happen eventually. You don't have to worry about what I think."

"I don't." It wasn't a lie, exactly, but it wasn't fully the truth either, because I cared very much about what Gojyo thought, though, not in the way of insecurity—afraid he'd judge or dislike me, because I was fairly certain he never would—but in the way of consideration and genuine regard for his opinions and feelings. It was a bit unfamiliar. Throughout my youth in its entirety, I had never been very considerate of others', their thoughts or opinions or feelings. I suppose that had changed after I'd become involved with Kanan. It was bewildering almost, how much she had altered my outlook on the world.

_How did you do that, Kanan?_

Before that, I had been so cold—unfeeling, almost—calculating and harsh, quick to put others down, slow to forgive, and I distinctly remembered that I had looked down on everyone around me, whether they wanted to help—sometimes _because_ they wanted to help—or whether they were indifferent. I had hated everyone above me. I had been so angry about my role in the world, so unwaveringly furious and relentlessly cynical. Come to think of it, I had been an entirely different person, and I had assumed I would remain that way for the rest of my miserable, loveless life. In a way, it was as if Cho Gonou had been destined to become a murderer, some day, whether he was reunited with Kanan or not. Perhaps meeting Kanan and loving her had only delayed those events that had turned me into a youkai.

_I was born to be a monster, it seems, and therefore, this body is much more suiting._

I shuddered deeply, and I wondered if I could stop being a monster, even with my new name and my new life and my new friends. I watched Gojyo, who'd gone back across the room to engage in some frivolity.

_He thinks I'm a nice guy…?_

That was almost too absurd for me to comprehend. Could he honestly think that of me, or had he been making some ridiculous attempt at comforting me?

The cold was worse now, and suddenly I wondered if maybe Gojyo didn't like me at all. Perhaps none of them did. That idea was also absurd, in its own way, and it hadn't occurred to me before, but suddenly, I wondered why I was so unconcerned with what Gojyo actually thought of me. Was I really so confident that his sentiments toward me were genuine? I'd seen often enough how superficial and conniving people could be, and, as I understood it, his life had considerably improved since meeting me—or at least, that's how he acted—so wasn't it possible that he was just acting nice? It could be that all of them were just acting nice because they needed me for some self-centered reason or other.

I hated to think it, but I knew it wasn't impossible.

_Stop it. You know better._

I sat up a little, leaning against the armrest of the couch, so I could see him better. He was just standing there, watching the rain outside, smoking again. Surely he had other things to do that would be a thousand times more exciting than being cooped up in here with me all day while I was wallowing in my depression. Would he do that if he didn't honestly like me?

_Maybe he really doesn't have anything better to do._

No. No, at the moment, I couldn't afford to think that way.

For one thing, he'd saved my life. He'd brought me here, to his own home, put me in his own bed, changed my bandages, kept me company, put his whole life on hold just to nurse me back to health. There had been no guarantee that he would get something in return. I refused to believe any of that had been fake or insincere. After all, Gojyo could be appallingly superficial, but I'd never seen him be two-faced or deceitful. I had to believe his actions that night, and since then, had been genuine.

Come to think of it, I didn't really know _why_ he'd gone out of his way to save me. He hadn't gotten anything out of it.

As for Sanzo, he'd done a lot for me as well. He'd spoken on my behalf, and he'd granted me this opportunity to begin again. I owed him nearly as much as I owed Gojyo, and he certainly hadn't stood to gain anything from helping me. It had shown me immediately that Sanzo was a man of complexities and depth. His mouth said he couldn't care less, but his actions told me he couldn't help caring. There had been a time when I had thought he'd merely taken pity on me, but since then, in his own way, he had proven himself to be a true friend, albeit, a reluctant and temperamental one. I couldn't think for a second he didn't hold me—and the others as well—in some regard. In spite of how prickly he could be, and in spite of his adamant, verbal insistence that he didn't care and that we were all in his way, almost constantly, he had shown me on numerous occasions that he _did_ care. Deeply.

When it came to Goku… Well, he didn't have so much as a sliver of darkness in him. Sanzo had mentioned in passing that while in his youkai form, he was danger incarnate, and that he seemed to act without conscience, but I couldn't quite believe that. The Goku I knew was innocent, sweet and pure-hearted. He didn't know how to be cruel, and he certainly didn't have it in him to be manipulative or dishonest, which indicated to me that, if he acted as if he liked me, he must, and just as much as he seemed to.

For a moment, the thoughts were a warm blaze of comfort in my cold, bleak thoughts, and they nearly lifted me out of the depression—surely the idea of having such genuine friends ought to give even the most hopeless wretch a bit of courage and faith—and then I suddenly remembered the way I'd behaved toward them earlier, how I'd shouted at Sanzo and ignored the generosity of the gift Goku had given me. They'd come over here, in the rain, likely just to see how I was doing—after all, I'd be ignorant to think my friends hadn't realized what time of year it was, or how it might affect me—their altruism had been concealed under a type of flippancy of their own, even if it wasn't as abrasive as my room mate's, but I still should have recognized that they'd only come here to visit me in my time of despair.

_And I threw them out into the storm, as if they were common solicitors. As if they came here to _take_ something from me._

My God, what a wretch I was. What an unfeeling beast. Perhaps I hadn't changed so much at all. Perhaps I had been born to behave like a monster for the rest of my life.

Feeling worse than ever. I turned over onto my stomach, a very real, physical pain starting to burn in my chest, and covered my head with my hands. _Oh, Kanan. I can hardly believe how far I've fallen. I can hardly believe I was fortunate enough to have your love when I'm such a…such an _ass_, and I've lost it. I'll never have it again._

Why even go on living? Why even bother trying, day after day, to trudge through the pain? If I was never going to change, and always been unkind to those around me, wouldn't it be better if I simply died and went away and left this world in peace?

Gojyo's voice interrupted the silence so abruptly, my body jerked in surprise, "Hey, Hakkai."

"Mm?"

"I'm gonna' go get a drink."

That made me look up, and for the first time, I realized that the room was growing dark, and I'd been lying here, feeling sorry for myself for hours. In fact, I was surprised that he hadn't said more to me or tried to get me to do something with him up until now. Perhaps I'd been asleep for part of the day and he'd seen fit to leave me be.

"Have a good time." I murmured faintly.

"Why don't you come with me?"

"No thank-you."

"Ah, c'mon, Hakkai. It'll be fun. It's been a while since we got drunk together."

"Actually, I don't believe we've _ever_ been drunk together. You tend to pass out around the time I'm beginning to feel buzzed."

"Pfft. Yeah. Okay. That's because you _can't_ get drunk."

"No." I said, even more quietly.

His tone changed just slightly, "Anyway, it's not about getting drunk with you."

"Isn't it?"

"I just like drinking with you. You're fun."

I sat up slowly, to look at him, "I don't think I'll be much fun tonight, however. You're used to going out without me, so I suggest you leave me be and don't concern yourself with it."

He looked back at me without saying anything for a bit, and then tried one more time, "One drink? I'll pay."

"No." I laid down again and closed my eyes, fully intending to go back to sleep, because being in this miserable, little house without him would be almost unbearable, and I didn't know if I'd be able to keep myself from feeling completely abandoned. Still, it wasn't as if I could beg him to stay here with me, and I doubted he'd stay of his own volition. There was no way around it—I would spend the rest of this terrible day alone.

For a long time, Gojyo didn't move, or say anything. I thought he'd keep trying to convince me, but he didn't. After several minutes had passed, I heard him moving around the room, rustling through things, fumbling with this and that. I heard him light a cigarette and pour himself a drink and then pace around the kitchen, much like he had been all day.

"Aren't you leaving?" I asked, trying very hard to sound as if it didn't matter to me, when, in fact, I really didn't want to be left here alone. The only thing more aversive than that would be to go to the bar with him.

"Yeah. In a minute."

A number of minutes passed, and then I sat up again, to see him sitting with his back to me at the kitchen table, jacket slung across the back of his chair. He had an open bottle of liquor and a tumbler glass full to the brim, but he was just spinning it around, slowly, on the table in front of him, and smoking casually.

"You're still here."

"Yeah, I…"

"You don't have to stay in just because I don't want to go."

He twisted around in the chair to grin at me, "I ain't. It's just that I kinda' have a headache, so I thought maybe I'd just get drunk here."

I knew the look I was giving him was completely skeptical.

So he added, "I just don't feel like dealing with people, I guess."

"How unusual." I laid down again, wondering at his true motives. He'd been so strange all day—attentive almost, hanging around in the kitchen, as if he meant to stay near me, regardless of his own boredom—I suspected that staying in due to a headache that may or may not exist, was just a product of his unusual mood.

"So, wanna' play some cards or something?"

"Not really."

"C'mon, man." I heard the tease in his voice, "I'll let you win."

"I'm not in the mood, I'm afraid." I felt a slight pang of guilt for declining, yet again, so I added softly, "I'm sorry."

"No big deal." He didn't sound bothered. "I'll just work on my solitaire."

"Nothing bothers you, does it?" I said softly.

"Nn. Some things do. You don't though."

"That's good, I suppose." I shut my eyes.

We went back to being silent, but now I was a bit more aware of his presence, and the more I considered it, the more I realized he really _had_ been there, all day, practically within arm's reach, and though I didn't know what he'd been doing, I was a bit impressed by how determined he was to stay near me. How could I have even thought he might not care?

Again, those thoughts almost relieved me from my misery.

"Why doesn't anything bother you?" I asked, arbitrarily, looking to break the silence more than anything, because I was a bit sorry for ignoring him all day.

"What kinda' question is that?"

"I don't see how you can be so laidback all the time."

"I don't think I'm laidback."

"Don't you?"

"I think I'm kinda' a hothead."

"You seem to achieve both, some how."

"Guess so."

The storm had worsened now, and the house was growing ever darker as the night set in; every here and again, a strike of lightning would fill the room with pale, blue light. After a few minutes, Gojyo turned the kitchen light on. I lay still and listened to the pounding rain on the roof and the roar of the thunder. I could hardly believe that the weather was almost exactly the way it had been last year—it seemed to be dragging me down again, back into the depression, only deeper this time.

I wished I could think of something to say to my room mate. He'd been there all day, and I hadn't taken advantage of it, and now I couldn't think of anything we might be able to talk about, even when the storm was getting worse by the second.

_Relax, Hakkai. It will end soon, I'm sure. It's got to. In a few days, everything will be back to normal._

The wind picked up as well, howling around us, rattling the windows and shaking the trees outside, and more and more, I was feeling as if this was the worst storm I'd ever experienced.

My inner gloom intensified.

_God must be mocking me—it's the only rational explanation._

As soon as I'd had the thought, there was a sudden buzz, a flash, and then the house went completely black; outside, the rain was hammering on the windows and thunder was rumbling practically on top of us.

My heart caught in my throat, and I sat up at once, feeling an absurd amount of panic over something so common place as a power outage; the cold seemed sharper now, and the storm outside, more menacing, and I shuddered in the dark as I peered around the room, trying to see anything even remotely familiar. "Gojyo?"

His voice answered me from somewhere across the room, cheerful and unworried, "Yeah, man?"

The beating of my heart slowed a little, and I managed to take a deep breath, but then I wasn't sure what to tell him. I didn't want to admit that I had only called his name to make sure I wasn't alone, seeing how that would be completely pathetic for a man my age. This was what came of thinking ill of God, I thought dryly. That was what they'd always said at the orphanage. "The power…" I said at last, stupidly, "It seems to have….gone out…"

He didn't answer at first. He was probably waiting for me to say something that wasn't completely inane. "Naw, it's just this light bulb. The coffee pot's still on."

"Oh. I see…" So it seemed God was merely giving me a warning. I stood up slowly, folding my arms against the cold, made my way to where I could see the wavering, orange light of Gojyo's cigarette.

He was standing too, and as soon as I was beside him, he had his arm slung around my neck. His skin was warm and he smelled like cigarette smoke and sake. "Well, shit. Right when I was about to win solitaire."

His voice was flippant, but I shuddered and even went so far as to move a step closer to him.

Gojyo didn't seem to mind. "So what's the deal? We got light bulbs?"

"Somewhere, I think. In the hall closet, perhaps."

"Then let's get the lights back on." He let go of me again and his cigarette bobbed away through the dark.

I went over to turn on the hall light.

Gojyo dug around in the closet a moment before producing a light bulb, then waved it at me, triumphantly, taking it into the kitchen where he climbed up onto a chair that was a bit shaky, and rather precarious.

"Why did you choose that chair?" I frowned at him.

"We only have like three to pick from."

"That one happens to be the only one with a broken leg."

"Don't worry about it, okay?"

"Just don't fall and break your neck."

"Geez, buddy, gime' a little credit, would-"

Even as he was speaking, the left, rear leg of the chair suddenly gave out and snapped, the whole chair flipped over backward, and Gojyo fell to the floor with a startled squawk, landed hard on the tiling, light bulb flying from his hand and shattering nearby.

I hurried to his side, just as he was sitting up, moaning and mumbling curses and rubbing the back of his head.

"Are you all right?"

"What? Yeah. Of course I'm all right." He raked the hair away from his face, running his fingers back over his skull. His face was almost as red as the rest of his head.

I hauled him to his feet, found that I couldn't quite suppress a vague chuckle. "You should be more careful, Goj."

He scowled at me, his face flushing even more, and I got the sense that he was totally mortified at someone witnessing him being clumsy. "It's not my fault the damn chair's broke." He chuffed.

I laughed again, even though I hadn't felt like laughing all day, I just couldn't help it, not after watching him fall like that. I hadn't laughed in days it seemed, and somehow, it felt really good to finally have some sort of cheer to distract me from my misery, so I let it take hold, even for a moment.

"Shuddup." He muttered.

"Oh, come now. It was a little funny, wasn't it? After all, you were so confident that you weren't going to fall."

"Well, it shouldn'ta' broke. We sit on that chair all the time—why should standing on it make any difference? Stupid piceca' shit." He gave the chair a kick.

That only had me laughing more, and louder this time.

Gojyo raised an eyebrow at me. "It's not _that_ funny, Hakkai."

"And you wouldn't laugh at _me_ if I fell off a chair?"

"I didn't fall _off_ the chair. The stupid thing broke."

"I'm sorry. Am I hurting your feelings?"

"As if." He snorted.

"I'm not meaning to make fun of you…but you really should have seen the look on your face." The image was still in my mind, and it made me laugh even more, despite my unhappiness.

He grinned at me, suddenly, face transforming from embarrassment to triumph, "Ha!"

"Ha?"

"I did it."

"Nearly broke your neck? I know. I told you so."

"No, no. I got you to smile, smart ass."

I hesitated a moment, "You did, didn't you. I hardly believe it was intentional though."

"What makes you say that? What'dya' think I picked the shitty chair for?"

"I believe you picked the sickly chair because you're just that careless. I don't believe you would nearly break your posterior for the sake of entertaining me."

"Heh. C'mon, there's nothing I wouldn't do for my buddy on a rainy day."

Slowly, the smile dropped from my face, and I turned to again gaze out the window. We were both silent a long time.

He nudged at me, "Dude."

"It's not just the rain." I all but whispered.

"I know." His voice was a touch sullen as well.

"It's been a year, as of today…or yesterday. Tomorrow, maybe. I'm not exactly sure."

"Probably yesterday. I think that was the day I found you dying in the road."

"I see… Yes. I suppose I wasn't exactly aware of the date at the time. I barely knew what time of year it was." His mention of finding me dying in the road had me considering my earlier suppositions once more. "If I may ask…when you found me, what was it exactly that made you decide to save me?"

The prolonged silence that followed made me feel as if there was some aspect of the answer he didn't want me to be aware of, and in that case, I suspected that it had had something to do with his own issues with self-value. At last, he said, "What was I supposed to do? Let you die out there?"

"I'm not sure. Perhaps that would have been for the best."

"You wanna' be dead, 'Kai? I know a certain priest who's got this thing for shooting things."

Normally, I thought it might have been a joke, but right now, in the dim light, with the storm raging outside, it sounded terribly serious, and a bit frustrated.

"No. I don't necessarily _want_ to be dead. I just wonder if I might have been better off if I'd died. And I don't understand why you chose to help me. Out of the goodness of your heart? It's not as if you got anything in return."

"Out of the goodness of my heart? That's a stretch. Anyway, I wasn't looking to have something in return, but either way, that's not true."

Slowly, I faced him again, startled to find that he was looking me right in the eyes, and for some reason, I felt like I was really looking at him for the first time all day, really seeing the concern that had probably been all over his face for days now.

He didn't so much as crack a smile, and his voice grew softer, "It's not true, dude."

I wasn't sure what to say, so I stayed quiet, and he went on.

"However you feel about it, that's your business—I just did it 'cause that's what I'm like-but I'm glad I picked your ass up that night. Think how it would be if I didn't."

I distinctly remembered lying there, face down, considering the things I'd done, wondering what would become of me in the next life, wondering if the sisters might have been right after all about God, so completely sure that I was going to die. I had realized I was on a fairly secluded spot and that my wounds were too serious for me to survive without medical attention. I had truly expected those moments to be my very last.

Seeing him standing over me, soaked from the rain, face far more startled than scared, was a little bit fuzzy in my memory, but I still recalled it too. The way I'd smiled at him, because at the time, I didn't have the voice to apologize for being in his way. I hadn't thought he'd help me.

"I don't regret it." I said, as firmly as I could. "I'll always be inexpressibly grateful to you for it, but I… it's just that, on days like this…I wish I could find some meaning for it all. Do you see? I'm sorry…it's just that…I can't handle it, I suppose."

Gojyo's voice was strong and gracious and remarkably reassuring. "Sure you can. You're handling it."

"No…" I shivered. "Not really. Not very well."

He stood and looked at me for a moment longer, and then moved forward suddenly, hooking his arm tightly around my neck so that I fit against his shoulder. It was so unexpected, I hardly knew what to do. Out of reaction, I found myself clinging to him, like a frightened child.

"I…"

"Cut it out, man. It's a lot to deal with."

I closed my eyes. "You don't have to be so understanding."

But he didn't let go.

My throat was tight, eyes burning, "She's never coming back."

"I know."

"The only person who's ever given a damn about my existence… I still don't know how I can go on without her. And it's not just that—it's everything. Everything I did. This thing I've become…"

"It's okay. You're tough."

"I don't feel tough. Not today."

"Well, on days like this, you don't have to be. It's cool for you to be upset some times, as long as I'm around to watch your back."

I leaned against him and held on a little tighter. It was the first time I'd felt warm all day. "I don't know what to say. Thank-you, I suppose."

"You don't have to thank me, 'Kai. You're my buddy—you know that, don't you?"

"Are we buddies?" I murmured, feeling exhausted suddenly.

"Well we ain't _dating_, so I don't know what else you'd call it."

"Yes, well. I suppose that makes sense, in a strictly Gojyo sort of way."

He laughed a little, and then his other arm came around my back and he squeezed so tight my back popped. After that, he let me go, smirking that child's grin, and pounded my shoulder, "Cheer up, kid. Seeing you like this bums me out."

"Oh, really?"

"I'm so used to you _smiling_ all the damn time."

"That's an odd thing to say, all things considered."

"Why?"

"When I was a child…it was very commonplace, me not smiling. I never smiled back then."

"No?"

"Not for anything or anyone."

"Guess I'm not shocked. You're really good at being bummed."

"Even so, I can hardly believe how different I am now. It's only because of Kanan, I suppose. If it weren't for her, I'd probably be even worse than the way I started."

His voice was hushed and almost reverent, something I didn't hear often, "She was a great girl, huh?"

"Yes." I whispered. "She was wonderful. You would have loved her." And then I glanced at him, "And she would have loved you as well."

Gojyo didn't look like he readily believed me, "You don't have to say that, man."

"It's true though. Kanan was never as…meticulous as I am, and she had a quite a wild streak. All your tasteless jokes would have made her laugh."

He stayed quiet. I suppose there wasn't much he could have said anyway.

I mumbled, "I don't quite understand what it was she saw in me, I'm afraid. She was so beautiful and kind and exciting, and I'm so…"

"You're way too hard on yourself. There's plenty of shit about you for chicks to dig. Hell, there's plenty about you for _anybody_ to like. I know you're not in a great place today, but you can't start thinking that kinda' crap about yourself."

Again, I was a bit caught off guard by how serious he sounded. "Are you…_scolding_ me?"

"Damn straight I am. You're the friggin' shit, and I don't wanna' hear anybody say you're not. Not even _you_."

I looked at him a moment, and a strange sense of tenderness entered my heart. We'd known each other approximately one year now, and I had known that we were friends, and I liked him, of course, and enjoyed his company, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed here for so long, but I suppose I hadn't realized what he honestly thought of me until this moment. My own conviction was overwhelming, and I barely managed to husk, "Thank-you."

His only answer was to sling his arm around my neck again, and I'd never been so grateful for that before.

After that, we changed the light bulb in the kitchen, and Gojyo ate some leftover dinner from the night before. I still didn't have much of an appetite, but I managed to make myself eat some toast and drink some tea if only because I didn't think it was wise to neglect myself, and then I decided to play a few hands of cards with him after all. I still didn't feel particularly cheerful or hopeful, and I couldn't help staring out the window at the night and the rain, but at least now I didn't feel alone, and that meant quite a bit more to me than I might have expected it to.

Eventually, I went to lie down on the couch again, though I was trying very hard not to wallow too much in my unhappiness by that point. It wasn't very late, but I still felt unusually drained and emotionally unstable.

Gojyo came and sat down on the floor with his back against the couch; he was there a long time, smoking and drinking a little, and we talked a long while, and the night wore on. It grew late, and I said, "You don't have to continue to keep me company—I think I'll be all right."

"I ain't keeping you company."

"Well then, what are your motives?"

He puffed on his cigarette before answering, "Watching you when you're depressed…it's really interesting. I'd have to be crazy to miss it."

I studied his face a while, and that mischievous grin that had suddenly appeared, and I wondered what I was supposed to make of that. I'd never heard anyone say anything so strange to me before, and yet, in the end, I thought I understood its true meaning.

"You're odd, Gojyo."

"Yeah, I know. That's what everybody tells me."

"It's not a bad thing…"

He turned to look at me, blinking, as if that thought had never occurred to him. "Yeah?"

With another small smile, I tilted my head to lean against his shoulder, "Yeah."

Gojyo reached up to ruffle my hair, lightly.

For the first time all day, I didn't feel so cold.


	17. Chapter 17

**This is probably my favorite non-mission, so enjoy.  
>And just as a reminder, these don't really go in order…<strong>

**Also, to a certain guest, who wants to know about how Gojyo gets the shakujou in the manga, look in vol. 8 Ch. XX: Petit Burial.**

* * *

><p>Missing<p>

My head was humming just a little from the alcohol, my steps just a little uneven, and I was in an even better mood than usual. Jacket slung over my shoulder, I whistled to myself and thought about some of the funny shit that had happened at the bar. The guys were always fucking around and teasing—it was nice to get away from the buckle-down, try to get a handle on things, attempt to be mature mood of being at home.

"Who'm I kidding?" I laughed out loud. "I don't even bother trying anymore."

Hakkai and I had both figured out how pointless it was, and now, even though he still nagged me about this and that, I was starting to think he might have given up on getting me to be more responsible.

I finished one cigarette and started another right away, watching the white smoke whirl away, up into the inky, blue-black sky. The moon was drifting toward the west now; when I left the bar, it was almost two thirty, so I'd probably be home a little before three. Not too late, but Hakkai probably wouldn't be up anymore. He'd sort of given up on waiting up for me a while ago too.

_I'd get sick of that too._

Still, part of me was hoping he might be up still, reading a book or whatever the hell it was he did when he was home alone. I had a couple funny stories I wanted to tell him, plus I wanted to know if he'd heard from Sanzo lately. It had been over a week since Hakkai killed Jie-Rui, and my money was running a little bit low. I'd won a few hands tonight, so I'd be good a while longer, but it would be nice to have some income.

"Pfft. Friggin', cheap-ass Sanzo."

Ahead, I saw the house come into view, the moon plastered up in the sky behind it; the woods were quiet tonight—too quiet for my taste—and the wind was totally still. In a way, I hated living in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere like this. It would be nice to live in the town, where stuff actually happened, but this boondock shack was what I could afford when I got here, and by now, I was too used to it to move.

The door was unlocked and the light was on in the kitchen.

"Hey, you still up?" I called as I tromped inside.

Hakkai didn't answer me, which was sort of weird.

Maybe he went to bed and left the light on for me so I wouldn't fall on my drunk face when I got home.

Throwing my jacket over the back of the couch, I headed into the kitchen, just to make sure he wasn't up and hadn't heard me or something. At the very least, maybe he'd left some food for me. I was starving, now that I thought about it. I was getting pretty spoiled always having somebody to cook for me.

There was no food, and there was no Hakkai, and the kitchen was…weird.

For almost two years we'd been living together now, and I was just used to coming home and finding the house spotless. I don't know if Hakkai ever got sick of cleaning up the same shitty mess every day, or if it was his pleasure, or if he just did it out of habit, but either way, it didn't matter how many dishes got left out, or how many cigarettes I smoked before I left, or what garbage got scattered around, by the time I got back, the dishes were done, the ashtray was rinsed, the trash was either taken out, or at least all in the garbage can. At first it had been super weird, almost like I was living in a museum, but as time went by, I got used to it, and now it was so normal, and in a way, I kind of liked it.

Tonight, there were still dishes sitting on the table, and in the sink too, my ashtray had a total of eight butts in it, and the magazines and cans and crap I'd left behind this morning were just sitting there, exactly the way I'd left them.

"Huh." I leaned against the doorway a brief second, and then turned to walk down the hall. His door was wide open, his bed was made, and he wasn't anywhere near it.

"Weird."

The toilet was empty too.

"Where the fuck…?"

Whatever. No big deal. He was probably just outside or something, taking a walk. Yeah. He did that sometimes…I think.

"Hey, Hakkai?" I called, walking back through the house, but there still wasn't an answer.

I walked around the house once, scanning the woods for any sign of him, thinking he might just be in the distance, chilling out. Maybe he had a bad day or something. Hakkai's bad days were rare, but ridiculously freaky. He had this way of wandering around with that _look_ on his face, and it drove him to do all kinds of strange shit. This wouldn't be the first time I found him taking a walk after midnight just because he couldn't sleep.

I didn't see him anywhere.

Maybe he was in ear-shot still. "Hakkai! Hey, man, where are ya'?"

The night stayed perfectly quiet, and I slowly turned to go back inside, looking once over my shoulder, just in case.

"No big deal." I told myself, flopping down on the couch, smoking another cigarette. "He couldn't have gone too far." He'd probably be back within the hour.

I sat there a second before getting up to grab a beer from the fridge, snagged my magazine off the table while I was in the kitchen, and went back to the couch.

It seemed like I was there forever, leafing through pages I'd seen at least a million times already, polishing my beer off slowly, and smoking cigarette after cigarette. Every now and then, I glanced up at the clock, watching it get later and later, but Hakkai still didn't come back.

At four thirty, I'd had two beers, half a pack of smokes, and was totally bored with my magazine. I was frickin' tired too, and feeling uneasy, but I told myself it wasn't a big deal. He'd be back tomorrow. Who knows where the crazy-ass went, but he could take care of himself, and I was being ridiculous, sitting up like some old mother, waiting for him to come back. If he saw me, he'd just laugh his ass off.

With that thought in my head, I went to bed.

I couldn't sleep though. I laid there a long, long time, tossing and turning, straining to listen, wondering and thinking, paying such close attention to every, little sound that, after a while, I think my mind started playing tricks on me. I'd hear the front door, but there were never any footsteps or any other subsequent sounds. Or I'd think I heard his voice, but it was never saying anything that made sense, so I figured I was making it up in my head.

Worried? Nah, I wasn't worried. Why would I be worried? Hakkai was an adult. He'd be fine.

Eventually, I guess I fell asleep, and when I woke up again, morning had come. My room was full of bright, yellow sunlight, and I realized I'd completely forgotten to close my curtains last night.

Yawning, I sat up, groped around for my shirt, and then stumbled out into the hall.

Not a thing had changed. I didn't hear any tell-tale signs of Hakkai screwing around in the kitchen, even though it had to be at least eight and he should have been up, everywhere I looked, it was the same old mess of beer cans and cigarette butts and dirty dishes, and his door was still wide open.

Feeling a little nervous, I walked over and stood in his doorway, staring into his room like it would make him appear, or something retarded like that.

What a neatfreak. Everything had its place, everything was _in_ its place: books categorized alphabetically on their shelf, nick knacks arranged just so on the dresser, night stand dusted, not so much as a wrinkle in one of the pillowcases. It made my room look like a disaster area.

"Where the hell are you?" I mumbled, when I'd stood there a while, and then I went outside to sit on the front steps, smoked more, and waited. This was starting to feel really weird. My room mate wasn't the type to just wander off without a word—he was way too considerate to go some place without telling me first—and even if he was going to go somewhere, wouldn't he have cleaned up first? It seemed unnatural for him to take off, leaving the house, as he called it, 'a mess'. Besides, he would have come back last night at some point. He wasn't like me. He didn't go out all night and party and stay over at some chick's house. Not as long as I'd known him.

I tried to think about the last time I saw him, but even that wasn't some huge mystery. He was home when I left yesterday, at two, or whenever it was. He was just hanging out in the kitchen, minding his own business. He smiled up at me on my way out and made some irritating little zing I couldn't even remember now.

_Did he say anything about going somewhere?_

_ No._

_ Maybe he did and I just didn't remember._

No, I wasn't that big an idiot. I would remember if he told me he had to go somewhere over night.

I sat on the steps a long, long time, finished off what was left of my smokes, and watched the sun climb higher and higher into the crystal clear, blue sky, until I finally decided he wasn't coming back. Not any time soon anyway.

I'd go into town and buy some more cigarettes, and hey, if I ran into Hakkai, that'd be a bonus.

Stretching, I got up and headed back down the road, toward the town, walking a little quicker than usual. I still wasn't worried, but I was wondering where in the world Hakkai would go without me. It was just so bizarre for him to take off like this.

In the town, I dropped by my favorite convenience store to get my cigarettes, casually asked the guy at the counter if he'd seen Hakkai, but he just shook his head and handed me my change.

"Thanks anyway."

I went out and stood on the side of the street a few minutes. It was past ten now, and everybody was up, wandering back and forth, the air filled with their chatter. A few people waved and greeted me, and I nodded back to them, but I kept my eyes open. Maybe Hakkai was doing some early shopping or something.

That would mean he'd be in the market. It wasn't unlike him to go grocery shopping early like this. He liked to get a head start so he could grab the best produce before all the brat-toting housewives came along.

_Sure, that's it, Gojyo. He came home at six o'clock in the morning and got up at seven to go to the market._

Well, it wasn't impossible, I guess, so I went anyway. There were fewer people I knew in the market, so I was able to stay on-task, asked a few different vendor Hakkai bought from on a regular basis if they'd seen him, but it was always the same story: 'he dropped by and got some carrots on Tuesday' or whatever. Apparently he hadn't come down here since then.

After all, he couldn't go grocery shopping every day. Where else would he be? There wasn't much to do in this town to start with, and Hakkai wasn't the 'do stuff' kinda' guy anyway. But, he wasn't at home, and that meant he had to be somewhere in town.

Right? Because if he wasn't here in town somewhere, I didn't know where he would go. I didn't know why he would go anywhere else. I didn't know why he would go without telling his room mate.

_You don't tell him every time you're gonna' go do something._

_ Yeah, but…that's different._

_ He doesn't have to check in whenever he decides to go some place._

_ He never goes anywhere._

That was the difference. I was always gone, and he was never gone, so it just made sense. I mean, if I told him every time I was leaving, he'd get sick of it and tell me to stop anyway, wouldn't he? I'd sure get sick of it if he ran it by me every time he was going to take off.

_It would be nice right now though._

No, I just needed to relax. I was making a bigger deal out of this than I needed to. I'd run into him somewhere. He'd be home when I got back. Something. It's not like he was gone forever.

Up ahead, a group of guys I knew, sitting on a corner and rolling some dice. There were a few kids hanging around too. I didn't see Hakkai with them, but that was no shocker.

"Hey-ya." I sidled up to them, hanging my arm off Rong's shoulder, "What's goin' on here?"

He grinned at me—the guys were always happy to see me—"Hey, Gojyo. Just a few bets, know what I mean?"

I watched as a skinny guy named Ken-Chi rolled the die, cursed, and started screaming at whoever he was betting against. Some money was exchanged, and Ken shoved through the crowd, mumbling, jostled against my shoulder.

"Watch it, asswipe." I growled.

"Give a guy a break, Gojyo." He snapped back, and went on his way.

Rong raised his eyebrow at me, "Wanna' turn?"

"Nah, not today. I'm lookin' for Hakkai—you seen him?"

As soon as I'd spoken, everyone in the circle was looking at me, even the kids. Hakkai had sort of a weird reputation in the town. At first, everyone had thought he was just a pampered, wussy, little snot-nose, and they couldn't for the life of them figure out what I was doing with him, but he'd busted his share of skulls since then, and now he was almost a legend. They still couldn't figure out what I was doing with him.

"Um. No. Not today."

"Yesterday?"

Rong shook his head.

I looked around at the rest of them, "Anybody?"

A whole bunch of no.

I sighed, "Thanks anyway, guys."

"You sure you don't wanna' toss the dice once?"

"I'm good." I pounded Rong on the back and went on my way. "Later."

I wandered around town a little longer, up from the market and into the square, but no matter how I racked my brain, I really couldn't think of where Hakkai would go by himself. This boring, little town didn't have anything to interest him.

_So maybe he just packed up and left._

I shook the thought away immediately. There was no way—all his stuff was still at home. Besides, he'd never do that without saying something to me.

No, he was definitely around somewhere.

Anyway, since when was it my job to baby sit him? It wasn't like he was a damn kid.

"Fuck. I'm bein' stupid. He's probably at home by now."

I might as well just go back; or better yet, get on with my day. Obviously I was just wasting my time.

And then, I saw him. He was just up ahead, walking away from me, going through the crowd at the typical, unhurried pace. Here and there he'd say something to someone, but he didn't stop or slow down.

"Ha." I muttered, starting to jog. "See? No big deal."

"Hey, Hakkai!" I ran after him, but he didn't turn when I called him, so I shouted a little bit louder. "Hakkai, wait a minute! Hang on. Hakkai!"

He was just starting to turn toward me when I caught up to him, grabbed his shoulder, "Hey, man. Where the hell've you been?"

At last, he looked at me.

It wasn't Hakkai. The guy was built like him, and his hair, from the back at least, looked the same, but he was a lot older than either of us, and he had facial hair and boring, brown eyes.

"Um. Oh. Sorry, dude." I took my hand off right away, feeling a little idiotic, groped around for an explanation. "You look like somebody I know."

Hakkai's old look-alike went on his way without a word to me. I stayed where I was, standing in the middle of the road, watching him go, and then I scanned the crowd again, feeling all the more uneasy. There were so many people, all going about their lives, minding their own business, smiling and laughing or frowning and cursing, but none of them were Hakkai. The crowd flowed past me like a river, weaving around me or shoving by, some muttered rude things about me being in the way, but I ignored it all, looking earnestly for any sign of that familiar, smiling face, but it didn't matter. No matter where I looked, he wasn't there.

_No reason to worry._ I told myself, over and over, as I started leaving town. _Wherever he is, I'm sure he's okay. He can take care of himself._

No surprise he wasn't in the town. There was nothing for him to do there, aside from shopping and wandering around.

He had to be home by now.

Unless, he'd gone into a different town for some reason. Maybe Sanzo had sent him to do something.

_Why would he go without me?_

Maybe it wasn't supposed to take long. Maybe Hakkai thought he could get it all done yesterday and be home before I got back. It didn't really matter why; for all I knew, he didn't want to split the money with me. Or he didn't want to put up with my whining. Maybe he didn't have time to come find me and it was just easier to go alone.

There could be a million reasons, and none of them were important; that had to be what had happened. Either he wasn't back yet because it was taking longer than he'd thought it would, or because he'd gotten into trouble on the job. In any case, going off to look for him would be pointless—I'd never find him in a million years—the only thing I could do would be to walk all the way to Chang'an, barge into Keiun, and ask Sanzo in person if he'd sent Hakkai to do something. That ass had forced his way into my house enough times.

Not like I had something better to do, and for whatever reason, I couldn't relax until I had some kind of answer.

Normally, going to Chang'an took a little less than an hour, but today it seemed to take forever, even though I was walking faster than I normally did.

Hell, Hakkai was probably in the temple now. He'd probably gone to tutor Goku and wound up staying the night; he'd never done that before, but yesterday he must have had a good reason. I'd go, say hi to Goku, and Sanzo too, if I felt like it, smack Hakkai upside the head, and we'd go home.

_Nah, I better not smack him. He'll break every bone in my body._

I was gonna' give him some hell for this though. I'd wasted all kinds of time looking for him, and he owed me big.

By the time I got to Keiun, I was so sure Hakkai was there, I half expected him to come out and greet me, was honestly surprised when the normal acolytes showed me inside, and then, for some reason, I started to feel sort of self-conscious. I'd been here a thousand and two times, most of these fucks knew me by name, and still, without Hakkai, I felt completely out of place, like they were all looking at me and thinking about what a degenerate I was. Not that they didn't normally think those things—hell, not that I _cared_ what they thought—but for whatever reason, today it was getting on my nerves, and I kept looking around the hall, waiting for Hakkai to come around the corner and laugh at my expense.

"Lord Sanzo wasn't expecting you today." One of the monks said.

"Oh, yeah. I just thought I'd surprise his holiness."

The guy gave me a weird look; I guess he didn't like me denigrating Sanzo's title. "Well, shall I let him know you're here?"

That was common courtesy, wasn't it? "Nope. I'll tell him myself."

He didn't look like he approved of that either. "I'm not sure now is a good time to interrupt Priest Sanzo. He's been busy lately. And-"

"It'll only take a second." I shoved past the baldy and walked quickly down the hall. He yelled something after me, but I ignored him and kept going, practically jogged to Sanzo's room, threw the doors open noisily.

Sanzo was doing paperwork—I think he was _always_ doing paperwork—and Goku was sitting on the window sill, eating an orange and humming.

I guess I scared the living shit out of both of them, because they jumped. Goku almost dropped his orange, and Sanzo shouted, "Shit!" he stared up at me, eyes turning hard as soon as he saw who it was, "Excuse me, Kappa, but what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

"Gojyo!" Goku came to me, grinning from ear to ear, "Ya' scared me! What're ya' doin' here?"

I didn't answer either of them, glanced around the room, went so far as to open the closet door, but he wasn't here either. It was like no matter where I looked, he just wasn't there. I paced across the room and stared out the window for a second. "Where the hell…?"

"Oy! Didn't you hear me, Gojyo?" Sanzo was on his feet now, practically yelling, "Who do you think you are? You can't just storm in here uninvited—you could at least knock!"

"Uh, you okay, Gojyo?" Goku asked, earnestly. "Hey, where's Hakkai?"

I turned on him, "You mean he's not here?"

They stared at me like I was off the reservation. "What? Who?"

"Hakkai, dammit, Hakkai."

Sanzo was lighting a cigarette, "Of course he's not. Why in the world would he be here?"

"Hell, I dunno'. He comes here some times, doesn't he?"

"With _you_ usually."

I glanced over one shoulder and then over the other, like he'd appear for some reason after Sanzo said that. No surprise, he still wasn't there. "Yeah, but he comes to see Goku sometimes, right?"

Sanzo snorted, "Sometimes."

"Wassamatter? Ya' lose him?" Goku sounded like he was taking the situation a little more seriously than Sanzo.

"Huh? No. Not really. I…haven't seen him in a while, I just thought maybe he came here."

"I ain't seen 'im." Goku looked up at Sanzo, double-checking to make sure he was right, "Sanzo?"

"He's definitely not here. And, I wish _you_ weren't here either, Gojyo. I have a lot of work to get done."

"Oh, and I'm totally in the way. Gime' a break, would'ja? You're always barging into my house without warning."

"This isn't a _house_, dumbass, it's a Buddhist temple. And Hakkai's not here. So go away."

I started to growl at him, but Goku beat me to it, "Sanzooo, if Hakkai's missin' he could be in trouble."

"Hn. Not my problem."

"When's the last time ya' saw 'im, Gojyo?"

_"…you're leaving rather early today, aren't you? Well, try not to come home too late. Waiting for you gets tiresome."_

_ "Whatever you want, Mom."_

"Yesterday, I guess." I ran my fingers through my hair. "Yesterday afternoon."

"Did he say he was goin' somewhere?"

"No. Not that I remember."

"So what? He just never came home?"

I shook my head.

Sanzo interrupted Goku's investigation with a callous, "Well, as I said, he isn't here. Now beat it."

"Wait a minute. You seriously haven't seen him?"

"I'm getting a little tired of this, Gojyo. No. I haven't. Not all week."

"So, you didn't send him off on some special, solo job?"

"No. I know better than to send either of you idiots off by yourselves."

"Maybe he got invited somewhere!" Goku said suddenly, "Yeah! I bet he went ta' some big, fancy feast last night an' got so full he had ta' stay!"

Sanzo and I gave him a weird look. "A feast?"

"Yeah. Why not? Where else would he go?"

"Got me." I mumbled. At this point, I felt like just about anything was possible.

"Don't worry." Goku smiled, "I bet he'll be back soon. He's just gotta' long walk, carryin' all the leftovers."

"Who me? I ain't worried. He can take care of himself."

"But…"

"Then why'd you charge in here like it's some big emergency?" Sanzo demanded scornfully.

"Hey, screw you, man. I don't expect you to get it."

"Hmph. I get that Hakkai doesn't need _you_ worrying about him."

"Fuck you. I said I'm not worried."

"Whatever. Just get outta' here so I can go back to work."

"Man, you're such a prick." I shoved my hands into my pockets and went for the door, which was still hanging wide open.

Goku called after me, "If we see 'im, I'll say you're lookin' for 'im."

"Thanks, kid."

"He's probably just looking for _your_ good-for-nothing ass." Sanzo decided. "Go home."

It was the only useful thing he'd said the whole time I was there, so I didn't snap at him, and I walked a little slowly on my way back to the house. This whole thing was rubbing me the wrong way. Hakkai wasn't anywhere he was supposed to be, nobody had seen him, and there was no telling when he'd come back.

_Maybe it's my fault._ I thought. Could he be trying to teach me a lesson, or something crazy like that? Did I piss him off recently?

I couldn't think of anything I'd done to upset him lately. Yesterday, he told me to come home early, and then I didn't. Could that be enough for him to decide to get back at me? Hakkai was unpredictable, and I wouldn't put it past him to do this just to punish me, but I'd like to think he'd have a better reason.

I racked my brain for one, but I couldn't think of anything beyond what we'd said to each other yesterday before I left. He had seemed fine then. He didn't seem angry, did he? He didn't act pissed.

"Where in the hell would he go?"

I was starting to wonder if something happened to him. After all, he wouldn't have left the house messy, he wouldn't have gone away without saying something to me, he would have been back by now, and he wouldn't have stayed away all night, _unless_ someone took him away against his will.

Who would do something like that? Better yet, who _could_? Hakkai was insanely strong and unbelievably dangerous, and everyone in the area knew it. No one would go mess with him without a good reason. Probably.

Like everything else, it wasn't impossible. The question was, who would even have the balls? They either had to be really gutsy, or totally brain dead to go to our house and fuck around with Hakkai.

When I was half-way home, it dawned on me.

A couple nights ago, Hakkai had gotten into it with some guys. Actually, 'getting into it' was an overstatement. They'd gotten pissed at him for beating them at cards too much and started what he called 'an altercation'. It was all pretty non-violent for Hakkai. He laughed at them when they tried to talk shit, and knocked one on his ass when they tried to attack. It was enough to get them to crawl away, tails tucked, but they had promised he'd be sorry. At the time, neither of us had thought anything of it, we'd just laughed and went on with our night. Now, I wondered if it was a bigger deal than it had seemed like.

Normally, maybe I wouldn't have even considered it, except that the guys he'd gotten into it with had been important members of the biggest gang in town. That wasn't saying much in a backwater place like this, but I had to admit that, if they wanted to, they had the muscle to at least try to pull something. Who knew? Maybe they'd gone to our house yesterday while I was gone. There wasn't a sign of a struggle or anything, but maybe it was as easy as sticking a few guns in his face and telling him to come quietly.

It was hard to picture Hakkai letting that happen without breaking at least a couple skulls open, and I hadn't seen any sign of brains on the carpet, but again, it wasn't like it couldn't possibly happen.

"Those assholes." I snarled, and turned toward town again.

Okay, I was getting really sick of walking from town and back over and over. The gang hideout was on the other side of town, over by the red light district, and it took me about an hour and a half to get there, but I was seriously pumped up and ready to kick ass by the time I arrived. No way I was going to let these dicks get away with busting into my house and making off with my room mate. I was going to give them one chance to hand him over, and then I was going to start splitting skulls myself.

The boss man liked his women cheap, so the hideout was in the basement of a seedy whorehouse even I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I went around to the side door and knocked.

"Password." Somebody called back.

"Whew. You guys sure take yourselves seriously. Password and everything."

There was a pause. I heard the rattling of chains and locks, and then the door opened a crack so the guy on the other side could peek through, "Gojyo?"

"Yo. Wanna' let me in?"

"Hmph. Not without the password."

"Oh, c'mon. You know me. I know you. All I want's a quick word with your boss, maybe a quickie with his girl, and I'll be outta' your hair."

"Real cute, asshole. But you're not getting in here without the password."

"Man, you're a serious buzz-kill, you know that? What's your name?"

He hesitated, like he didn't know if he should tell me, and then he sort of mumbled through the crack in the door, "Jun."

"Jun? Yeah, you're one of the twins right? We had drinks a couple nights ago. Hey, how about you just let me in?"

Jun seemed majorly thrown off by the way I was acting like I knew him. He was probably pretty low in the chain of command if he was watching the back door to the place, and a little recognition was just the thing to warm up to him.

At the last second though, he hardened his resolve, "I'm sorry, Gojyo, but I'm not supposed to let anybody in without the password."

"That so? Hang on a sec then, I think I got it written down."

"Wha-?"

I took a step back and gave the door a stiff kick, slamming it hard against his head. Jun staggered back, blood streaming down from the middle of his forehead, and collapsed on the floor, looking dazed, while I stepped over him. "Keep up the good work, Jun."

Go figure his twin was hanging out there. They were just a couple of kids, really, about five years younger than me. For the life of me, I couldn't remember the other one's name, but it didn't matter very much—he looked stunned for a second, and then he attacked me, but he was way out of his league, and I knocked him on his ass as easily as I did his brother.

After that, it was easy to find my way down to the basement. The place was dark and a little dingy, and it reeked of cheap perfume, drugs and sex. Normally, it was the kind of thing that would get me all thrown off course and distracted, but this place was way too gross for my tastes, and that was really saying something, I guess.

Along the way, a few more knuckleheads tried to stop me. They shouted about how I wasn't supposed to be there and waved weapons in my face, but they were a bunch of hacks, and in the end, I just left a trail of them behind me on my way downstairs.

The basement was even darker and dingier. Loud music was playing, there was a single light in the middle of the room, flickering on and off above a broken-down, little card table where a group of thugs was arguing about who was cheating who, and the top half of the room was engulfed in a layer of fine, white smoke. Another punk was guarding the bottom of the stairs, but I shoved by him without a word and made my way over to the table, "Looks like you boys are having fun. Wanna' deal me in?"

All five of them looked up, startled as fuck to see me. "Gojyo?" Someone stammered.

"Hey! How the hell'd you get in here?"

"I'm just charming like that. You gonna' deal me in or not?"

"Fuck." One guy stood up. He was big and meaty, with a couple scars down his face and an eye patch. He'd been at the bar the night Hakkai had his little 'altercation', and if I remembered correctly, he was the one my room mate had so masterfully put in his place. "Nobody here wants to play cards with a backstabbing asshole like you."

I shrugged, "I don't really have time anyway. Where's your boss?"

I scanned the rest of them momentarily. For the most part, they were all the same kind of ugly and stupid. Scars, facial tattoos, and grungy accessories. There were a couple more who'd been at the bar the other night, and they didn't look happy to see me.

"Believe me." Eye patch went on, taking a big step toward me, "He don't wanna' see you anymore than the rest of us do. Now get lost, kid."

"Yeah, well I wanna' see _him_, so how about you quit being a dick and call him out here or something."

They all looked horrified by the idea. I figured, when you were in a hardcore gang, with a password and everything, you didn't 'call the boss out' for anything.

While they were freaking out about it, I looked around the room. There were a few more doors down here. One might lead to the boss's little room, or audience chamber or whatever the fuck you had when you were a gang boss, the others were probably smaller rooms where people went and fucked or watched TV or some shit. If Hakkai was here, I figured he'd be locked up behind one of them.

Eye patch was invading my personal space now, teeth bared, anger clouded in his one, good eye. I saw his face was still bruised from where Hakkai punched him out. He wasn't a very tall guy—a few inches shorter than me—but he was a lot stockier. "For the last time, Gojyo, beat it, or I kick your ass."

I laughed at him, "You really think I'm gonna' leave over a piss poor threat like that one?"

"No. But if you're smart, you'll scram."

"Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you just tell me where Hakkai is, and we'll take it from there?"

He laughed next. The other four were getting up too now, moving in a little closer, and the guy who'd been guarding the stairs thought he was sneaking up on me. "Oh, is that what this's about? Sorry, I don't know nothin'."

"Real funny, Patchy, but I'm not an idiot. Make this easy on yourself and tell me the truth."

"Punkass, you think you're so smart. Well, Hakkai's-"

On the other side of the room, a door swung open, and a voice demanded, full of cold fury, "What in the fuck is all the noise?"

He didn't have to shout it to get absolute silence and attention from all his men. The man could probably sneeze and they'd all be pissing themselves. He just had this murderous way about him, like he'd kill you for smiling too big.

"Sorry about the commotion, Loki." I smiled as big as I could. "Me and the boys were just having a little chat."

Loki's voice fit his body. He wasn't a big dude at all. I think he was even shorter than Sanzo, but he made up for that in being a lean, mean sonnova bitch. Any time I'd ever seen him, he was clean cut: shaved, silk shirt, sometimes with a tie, usually smoking a cigarette with calm, egotistical reserve, and he had the harshest blue eyes, pale like a winter sky. There was a long scar extending from the right corner of his mouth, halfway to his ear. The story went, he'd been working for a gangster when he was a kid, pissed him off by bringing him a warm beer or cold sake or something ridiculous, and got his mouth hacked open for punishment. Personally, I didn't believe it. The asshole was probably raised on top of the hill with the richest of the rich fucks, got bored with that, gave himself a nasty scar to look tough, and came down here to terrorize the underworld of my little town, back when he was twenty.

He strutted out of the room like he owned the whole goddamn world, two big youkai in dark suits flanking him. "Well, well, Sha Gojyo. I'm certainly surprised to see _you_ of all people making a racket in _my _place."

"That so? I thought you might be expecting me, seeing how your scumbag thugs nabbed my partner."

Loki laughed a little, but it was as flat and cold as anything else that came out of his mouth. "No, as a matter of fact, I honestly believed I'd never see your face again, after the little heart-to-heart I had with you and Banri a while back. Was it really three years ago? Hmm. You've done a good job staying under my radar since then."

"Right. Well, I wouldn't be bothering ya', except, like I said, I think your meat sacks here took somethin' that belongs to me; as long as I get it back, I don't see why we can't just pretend this never happened."

It seemed like he was ignoring me now. His harsh, blue eyes were sparkling in the soft, white light, "You know, I've always hated you, Gojyo. Not because you're a punk with a big mouth, or because you're a lying, good-for-nothing cheat. No. I hate how you act like you run this whole town, when everyone knows you're just a pathetic, little nobody."

"What, you think_ you_ own this town, Loki? Everybody knows Banri and me had you tripping over your own ass in the dark every other week. _That's_ why you hate me."

"Oh, it's hard to keep all those facts straight, isn't it?" He circled around to the other side of the room, back to me, breathing out a plume of smoke. "In the end, it's never been enough to put you out of your misery. I've tolerated your obnoxious little antics since you came to this town because, frankly, you've never been a threat—you're just an annoying little boy, too stupid to watch where he's stepping—but there are things that cannot be overlooked so easily."

"Hang on a second, Loki."

He snapped his fingers. Eye patch and another fucker just as stupid-looking each grabbed one of my arms, fingers bruising my skin.

"Teach him a lesson."

I fought back the sudden rise of nervousness, "Hey, just wait. I'm telling you the truth, Loki. I never woulda' come here if I weren't looking for my partner."

Loki finally gave me an intensely serious stare. "Your partner?" Then he glanced at his men.

"Cho Hakkai, sir." Eye patch growled. "Been runnin' around with this dumb fuck for a couple years now."

"Oh, yes. I think I met him once. The young man with the green eyes and the charming smile?"

I wondered when in the fuck Loki had met Hakkai.

"Now there's a young man with a sense of propriety. Keep hanging around with him, Gojyo, and his influence just might do you some good. Not like that lowlife, Banri."

"Cool. Yeah. I'll do that. He's around here, isn't he?" I took another quick look around, just making sure I hadn't missed him. Loki made it sound like they were great friends.

"I'm afraid not. Boys?"

They were all quiet.

Loki's voice got just a touch icier, "I'm waiting."

"Patches here, and a couple of the others, got into it with him the other night." I supplied. "I thought they might wanna' take it outta' his hide or something."

Loki fixed a very specific, freezing stare on Eye patch.

Eye patch stammered, "He…I thought he was cheating at cards, sir. We didn't mess with 'im though, right boys?"

"That's right, boss, we were just drunk."

"You told us t' leave 'im alone, boss. None of us have ever fucked with him."

"Hm. I did, didn't I." Loki mused. "I nearly forgot about that."

Was he actually saying what I thought he was saying? Hakkai had Loki's…protection? Not that he needed it, but still.

In that case, I had to believe he wasn't here. The asshole ran a lowbrow gang in a backwater town, but he had all the swagger and professionalism of a big-time mobster.

Maybe I shouldn't let it go that easily. "Yeah, well, I'd like to have a look around anyway."

Loki laughed suddenly, a little more loudly than before, "I bet you would. So sorry, Gojyo, but I can't allow that. You're on my turf, you know—I warned you about coming onto my turf—so this time, you'll have to take my word for it that your partner isn't here."

"It's an easy mistake to make though." I tried to smile, but this wasn't going the way I wanted it to, not even a little, and if Hakkai wasn't here, I was completely out of ideas.

"Oh, yes. One might even say it's a noble mistake to make, but if I let you get away with breaking the terms of our agreement, where can I draw the line?"

"You could just let me go. We could pretend it didn't happen. Hell, we could just get a fresh start. Banri was the idiot who wanted to-"

Loki sighed, "It's too late for that now. Accept your dues without complaint, and I may even develop a bit of respect for you." With a quick flash of ice-white fangs, he snapped his fingers again.

This time, one of the big dudes in black came at me. He had what looked like a baseball bat, took a swing right at my head.

With all my might, I wrenched loose of the guy holding my left arm, ducked down, jerking Eye patch with me. He screamed, and then his grip went limp as the baseball bat connected abruptly with his head.

I sprang up, kicked the guy with the bat in the stomach, and he doubled over. I took advantage of his vulnerable position, smacked him across the face, and he fell back with a satisfying thud.

"Gojyo!" Loki roared, cold voice finally taking on some emotion.

The others came at me now. There were about ten of them, and they all hated me about as much as Loki did. I figured they'd kill me if I gave them half a chance.

I turned to the side to avoid a punch to the face, kneed the man who'd swung right in the chin, and he flew back, blood gushing from his mouth.

Right around that time, the dude who'd been holding my left arm was coming at me from the other side. I turned around and shoved what was left of my cigarette into his face. I think I might have even gotten his eye.

He stumbled away, screaming.

A few more attacked, but they didn't do much better. I had another three down in a matter of seconds.

"C'mon, bitches!" I grinned. "You don't scare me."

On my right side, a door burst open. A handful of men came out, screaming. I guess they'd been watching TV, or fucking, or something.

Two of them hit me at once, driving me back toward the table.

I ducked down and dove under it, popping up on the other side; I turned the whole thing over, knocking one back. Half-drank bottles, still-lit cigarettes, and two decks of cards flew onto the floor.

Next, I threw a chair. It hit one guy square in the face, and he fell to the floor.

I picked up a second chair, clocked a big, bald youkai with it, stepped over him, tripping the next asshole to step up to the plate, slid the chair against his knees so he flipped over it with a surprised shout.

I dipped under another punch, lost my footing on the broken glass and scattered cards, grabbed up the jagged end of a beer bottle, took a slice at one guy's face, stabbed another in the stomach. Blood sprayed on both counts.

Loki was just standing in the middle of it all, looking pissed as shit and smoking. I'd be fucking pissed too if I had to watch almost twenty of my guys get beat up by one dude.

More were running down the stairs though. Shouting and pushing each other, making all kinds of death threats. I figured, at this point, my best bet might be to just run for it, try to get out of here with all my limbs intact.

Dropping the bottle neck, I ran for the door, shoving my way through the wave of oncoming attackers, knocking some down and pummeling others. They grabbed at my shirt and my hair and arms, but I shook them loose and kept running.

Smack.

Right into a huge guy who looked like he was carved out of stone. It was like running full-speed into a brick wall, and I was on my back a split-second later, while he stood over me and laughed about it.

"Fuck." I grumbled, scrambling to my feet, right before the guy got a chance to impale me with the long-ass knife he had.

As soon as I was up again, somebody hauled off and smashed me across the face with the ball bat from earlier. If I didn't know any better, I'd think it was Eye patch.

I saw a parade of fruity-colored stars splashing across my vision, and then everything went black, just for a second.

Cold, rough hands dragged me up, shaking me hard. Someone fisted their hand in the front of my shirt, shoving me roughly into the wall. More sharp pain split through my skull. Someone punched me.

Slowly, my vision started clearing up.

Now they were all clamoring around me, jeering and laughing.

Eye patch had the bat. He wasn't laughing though—he looked pissed.

He bashed me hard with it, right in the stomach.

Pain shot up through my torso. I coughed and hacked, fighting to breathe. I reached to shield my stomach, realized two of the dickweeds were holding my arms.

Eye patch wailed on me a little longer, hitting me in the stomach and the chest as hard as he could.

"Break his knees!" Someone suggested.

They all started shouting some more, like it was some really great idea, and not a total fucking cliché.

Cliché or not, it was really going to hurt one fuck of a lot.

Finally, Eye patch grinned—damn, he had a smile not even his mother could love—and he wound back.

I took advantage of that brief window of opportunity, kicked him as hard as I could in the balls. If my legs were even an inch shorter it would have been a waste. Just one more reason to be proud of my sexy gams.

Eye patch got this hilarious, pained look on his face, stunned, like he couldn't believe I'd had the nerve, infuriated, like he wanted to wring my neck, but way too fucking hurt to do a thing about it.

The others were stunned for a second, and that was all I needed.

Screaming, I tore loose. One guy's nails scraped my arm from elbow to wrist.

I hit Eye patch in the face with the heel of my hand, smashing his nose.

As he was crumpling to the ground, I snatched the bat away from him.

Immediately, everyone around me was backing away, looking a little scared, I thought. Or maybe I was completely delusional from getting hit the head and these jerks weren't even remotely scared of a punk kid with a baseball bat.

"No more Mr. Fucking Nice Guy." I growled.

In one short step, I took the first swing, totally hit it out of the park.

I knocked another guy's block off when he was coming up behind me. His brains splattered across the wall.

The next dude got all his teeth knocked down his throat by the handle-end of the bat.

I was angry now. My head hurt. My ribs hurt. I still had no fucking idea where Hakkai was, and these assholes wanted to screw with me. I spent about five minutes making them sorry they'd even though about it. I shattered arms and busted heads and broke knee caps, smashed jaws, and I think I even knocked one guy's eye out.

By then, Loki had gone back into his room. I guess he couldn't be bothered with watching to see how the fight ended—I figured he'd come up with some sick, twisted way to get back at me later.

There were still a ton of them, and I didn't want to be there all day. I thinned them out a little, taking out the big, strong, brave guys until only the nervous, little cowards were left.

When a path was cleared for me, I ran like hell, back up the stairs and down the hall, beating the shit out of anybody who crossed my path. I hit the door with my whole body, throwing it open, and kept running.

"Shit." I spat a wad of blood out.

I was half-way across town, and I'd managed to ditch the small number of dicks who'd actually had the guts to chase me, dropped the bat when I was sure they weren't after me anymore, and now I was all but crawling home.

"Fuck that Hakkai." I swore, staring down at my busted, bleeding knuckles. My head was spinning, ears ringing, and I had the worst migraine of my life. My whole upper body ached; I lifted my shirt and saw that my stomach was already turning black and blue, but I couldn't tell if my ribs were broken or not. It would be pretty crazy if they weren't.

I was limping a little bit too, and everyone who passed me gave me a wide-eyes, disbelieving stare.

I just wiped the blood from my nose and lips and kept walking.

After all, the worst part of all this was that I still hadn't found Hakkai, and I really had no idea where to look anymore.

I had been so sure he'd be at Loki's. I had been so sure that I could just charge in there, tear the place open, knock a few heads together, find him, and go home. Why had I thought that?

If he wasn't at Loki's though, could he possibly be some place worse? Who in the world would be out to get him? As far as I knew, he didn't have any serious enemies in this town—sure, not everyone liked him, but there weren't a lot of people dumb enough to come after him either.

It could have to do with his past.

I put a cigarette in my mouth, and my hand was shaking so bad, I almost couldn't get it lit.

Hopefully, it had nothing to do with Hakkai's past, because I wasn't sure I could get him out of that kind of trouble.

I sighed. If I had just been home yesterday, this probably wouldn't even be happening. Maybe if I had come home a little earlier, I would have been there, and then, at least, I'd know where he was and who I should go after.

"I'm always so useless." I muttered.

Wincing, I rubbed my ribs again. They were really making my typical walk home kind of hard. I stopped and looked up; I was pretty close to Ton's part of town now. I hadn't come this way on purpose—I'd just been running in any direction I could go—but now it looked like it might be a good thing.

Ton was a doctor…sort of. I think he had a degree. Maybe. He'd definitely been to medical school. For a while. There were a couple doctors in town, but Ton was the only one who looked after the riff raff when they got in over their heads on a sleazy deal. Sometimes, if you didn't annoy him too much, he wouldn't even charge for it. We'd met a couple days after I first moved into this town. Banri and I were already getting into trouble—I got my guts ripped open by a couple of Banri's 'friends'—and Banri was nice enough to drag my ass to Ton. Even if he did make me walk most of the way.

I'd been on the verge of passing out and bleeding to death, but I'd forced myself to stay alert as Ton stitched my stomach up, just because I couldn't trust anybody.

_"Well, you may be the dumbest kid who's ever come in my door."_ He'd told me as he disinfected the wound. _"I mean, anybody who would willingly associate with _Banri_ has got to have some real bad mental issues."_

_ "Mind your own business and sew me up, pops."_

_ "Son, I can't do both."_

No matter how I felt walking into his little, make-shift, in-house infirmary, Ton had somehow become a friend over the last few years. I still went to him if something happened Hakkai and I couldn't fix ourselves. In fact, that's the first place I'd gone when I'd found Hakkai bleeding in the rain.

_"No smoking."_

_"Damn, Ton, you must be getting old or something. A little second-hand smoke ain't gonna' kill the guy."_

He'd taken the cigarette right out of my mouth, _"I said, no smoking."_

Good, old Ton, always looking out for everybody.

I turned toward his place, figuring he could at least tell me if my ribs were broken or not, somewhere between telling me I was an idiot and asking me when I was going to stop acting like a dumb ass. For all I knew, he had some idea where Hakkai was.

It was just a ten minute walk up to Ton's place. His house was a two-story shack just on the outskirts of town. It looked pretty broken down—most of the windows were boarded up, and the few that weren't had the curtains closed, all day long. The roof needed to be repaired, the bricks were dirty and grungy, and the paint on the door was starting to chip. I had no idea how much he paid in rent, but it was probably less than I paid for my place in the boonies.

I went around to the back door. There was an alley cat rooting through the garbage there, and a notice on the door.

'Be back later.'

Uninformative and inconvenient. For all I knew, he'd put that there just so no one would bother him while he slept away his hang over. In all my life, I'd never seen a doctor with such a drinking problem.

"Hey, Ton!" I knocked on the door as loudly as I dared. One, I didn't want to jar my ribs anymore than I had to. Two, if he really was in there, and he did have a hang over, I didn't want him to get all pissy with me. "You in there?"

A few moments passed, and I tried again, a little harder this time, holding my ribs and wincing. When he still didn't come, I reached up over my head until I found an out of place brick, standing out from the wall about half an inch. The spare key was there. I let myself in.

Ton's place was as trashy inside as it was out. There was mail piling up all over the kitchen table so you couldn't even use it, dirty dishes were stacked on top of the mail, and there was still food on the dishes; some of it had been there for days. The floor needed to be mopped and swept. Twice. The counters were cluttered with more dishes, food, papers, boxes and wrappers and trash. A little worse than my house had looked before Hakkai came along.

In the living room, everything was coated in dust. There were books stacked unevenly and precariously on every coffee table, end table and chair. There was a shitty, little piano there, buried under magazines and medical journals and newspapers. It was really scary how sloppy my doctor was.

I shrugged at the mess, seeing how it was nothing new, and ventured upstairs. The bedroom door was closed, and I didn't even want to imagine how trashed _it_ was. As usual, the infirmary was wide open, and it was definitely the cleanest room in the house, on top of being the biggest. It was complete with a sterilized gurney, a bed, freshly made, with crisp, white sheets, shelves and shelves of shining medical vials, tongue compressors, latex gloves, syringes, medicine, scalpels—everything a medical room needed, I guess.

Everything was there, except the doctor, and I noticed his little, tattered, black bag was missing, along with his white lab coat. Probably out on a house call.

Did I wait for him to come back, or should I go home and come back later?

My ribs would be okay. Chances were, Ton had no idea where Hakkai was; no one else seemed to. Why was that? How could Hakkai just drop off the face of the earth without anyone noticing?

"It's your own fuckin' fault." I muttered, turning to make my way back downstairs, and out of the house.

Of course it was my fault. As I walked home, tired and dizzy, head aching, every step just another jolt of pain in my ribs, I could easily see exactly why this was all my fault. Obviously, something really bad happened to Hakkai, and obviously, I wasn't there to help him out. I was a shitty, inconsiderate, selfish asshole of a room mate, like he'd always said, and now he was the one paying for it.

What the fuck could I do? Tear the whole world apart looking for him?

That wasn't even my responsibility, was it? It wasn't my job to hunt Hakkai down and come to the rescue.

I wasn't responsible for the guy—he was a grown man.

_Not exactly true…in a way, I am responsible for him._

Hell, we were partners. Room mates. Friends. Didn't that make me at least a little responsible for what happened to him? Who was gonna' make the funeral arrangements if he died? Me. Who had to go bail his ass out if he was in trouble some place? Me.

Too bad I was too fucking stupid to figure out where he'd gone.

I just didn't know. I didn't know where else to go or where to look. I felt like I'd been everywhere and checked everything, talked to everyone, and I still just didn't have a clue. Now, I was feeling at a total loss. Unless he just magically showed up on his own, I couldn't even figure out what my next move should be.

Keep looking? Give up? File a missing person's report? Shit. It was frustrating to know that, if he were here, he'd know exactly what to do next. He'd have found me a billion times over by now, if I were ever missing.

"Fuck. I'm such a dick."

"Hey, Gojyo!" Someone called, but I didn't look up. I already knew it was Rong. I'd figured he'd show up—he always seemed to show up when I didn't want him to. A second later, he was walking next to me, jingling a purse full of money in my face, "Check it out. I won."

"Good for you." I growled.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothin'."

He looked me up and down, "You alright, man? What happened to you? You look like you got in a fight. Hey, did you ever find Hakkai?"

"Not yet."

"He in trouble or something?"

"I have no idea."

"Well, hey-"

He put a hand on my shoulder, but I shoved it off so roughly it would have made Sanzo jealous to see how unsocial I was being.

"Look." I said, when he gave me an offended, confused look, "I'm not…really in the mood to shoot the shit."

"You look like you got the crap kicked out of you." He answered, voice taking on a heartless, vengeful tone. "Hn. Never seen that before."

"Happens sometimes. See you later, now. Don't spend all your money in one place."

He left me alone, and I went on my way, mumbling about what an asshole he was. All those fuckers acted like they were in love with me until things got a little rough. None of them would stick by me, not if I paid them to.

The only guy who'd ever done that, free of charge, was totally awol now.

"Go figure."

So I dragged my broken ass home. It was almost five now, and I was really hoping Hakkai would just be there when I got back—maybe Sanzo was right and the answer was just to go home and wait for him to show up—but he wasn't there. Of course not. No matter where I looked, he wasn't fucking there. And I was tired of telling myself that that was okay, or that I shouldn't worry, or that it wasn't my problem.

For one thing, I hadn't eaten all day, and I was starving now, and Hakkai wasn't here to put food in front of my fucking, useless face, so I had to find something to eat on my own.

I cursed and mumbled as I wandered around the kitchen. I opened the cupboard and stared for a long, long time at the food inside, but none of it looked any good. I think I was there, just staring, and thinking, for about five minutes. Next, I went to the fridge and looked around in there, but it wasn't any better. I went between the cupboard and the fridge a couple times, barely focusing on what I was doing.

"Where is that guy?" I snorted. "He's supposed to do this shit."

Not supposed to, I guess. I just…had gotten used to it.

Angrily, I grabbed the pot I used for making ramen. It was the only thing I could think of at the moment, maybe because that asshole, wherever he was, hated my ramen. Fuck if I knew why.

I stood there a while, stirring the noodles and adding whatever came to mind, hardly paying attention. It felt wrong to be here, making food and relaxing when he could be dead by now. It seemed like I should go out and keep looking.

_Where would I go?_

_I looked everywhere._ I thought miserably.

He could be in a totally different town. He could have gone off on some stupid errand—if not for Sanzo, then maybe it was just something he needed to do—or someone could have taken him there against his will.

_After I eat, I'll go look._

There were about five towns pretty close to ours. I'd start searching them one by one. I'd turn them all upside down, and I'd find him.

_You're hurt, stupid. You should at least get some sleep first._

I might not have time for that. I might not even have time to eat a bowl of ramen.

My water was about to boil over when I started paying attention again. I ladled up a portion of it and sat down at the table. It was still all cluttered with my beer cans and shit. It wasn't even like he'd come home, cleaned up, and left again.

"Where the fuck are you, asshole?"

I was starting to feel really…

No, no.

I stared down into my ramen, but it suddenly didn't look very good at all, and I almost got up to dump it down the garbage disposal. I wasn't hungry anymore. Just…sort of scared.

What if he was dead? What if he was facedown in some ditch between here and the next town? What if some asshole from his past came back and killed him?

I'd never even know. I'd never figure out what happened to him, or where he went, or who did it. Hakkai might be dead, and I was just sitting here, eating ramen, like a fucking moron.

_You did everything you could._

Not yet. I would, eventually. At some point, I'd check out my options and realize there was nothing I could do, but I hadn't gotten there yet. I could still look. I could still go out and search from dusk til dawn, and raise hell, and beat the shit out of anyone who might know something. It wasn't over.

I'd finish my ramen, and then I'd go out and keep looking. Someone somewhere had to know something. Someone had to have at least seen him.

I was just spooning up my first bite of ramen, thinking about which direction to go in first, wondering if I should even bother to wrap my ribs before I went, when I heard the front door open, and a familiar voice called, way, way, way too calmly, "I'm home."

My head jerked up of its own volition. My eyes got sort of wide as I watched him wander in, and I think my mouth even fell open a little.

He looked…tired. His eyes were bleary, dark circles under them, and he was walking a little unsteadily, but I didn't see any blood.

I was on my feet in a second. "Hakkai—you're okay! You're alive!" I was right next to him before I even realized I'd taken a step. "You are okay right? Where in the fuck have you been, man?" I grabbed his shoulders, looking him up and down, jerking him around to make sure he really was okay. "Seriously. Where were you?'

Hakkai blinked tiredly, "Oh…you didn't get my note, I see."

"Note? What note? No, I didn't get any goddamn note." I felt angry all the sudden. "You left a note? Where in the fuck did you leave this fucking invisible note, Hakkai?"

"Well, on the refrigerator, naturally. Where else would any intelligent being leave a note?" He shook loose, gently, and went over to the fridge, pulled a small, white piece of paper off, and handed it to me. "Your 'invisible note'."

I snatched it from him. It was his handwriting. 'Leftover chicken is in the fridge; I'll be back later. –Hakkai' with a sarcastic, little heart.

How did I miss it? I stared at the fridge a moment. It wasn't there all day, was it? I never checked, did I? I must not have. I never even would have thought…I didn't expect…

"Ton had an emergency house call to make and he needed an assistant with a bit of competency, so he asked that I accompany him."

"Ton? You were with Ton this whole time?"

Hakkai nodded. "Delivering a baby. Not my favorite." He wrinkled his nose, "But, I think we owe Ton more than one favor."

"You were off delivering a goddamn _baby_ all this time?"

"Mm. Yes." He rubbed his eyes. "It was rather exhausting. Oh, but, I apologize, Gojyo. I assumed you would see my note… rather….I assumed you would come home, much too drunk to even notice I was missing, sleep until two this afternoon, and I would be home by the time you got up. Come to think of it, at the time, I thought of the note as a somewhat unnecessary precaution. Common courtesy, if nothing else." He added flippantly, "I didn't mean to worry you."

"Who me? I wasn't worried. I just couldn't figure out where in the hell you went. Hey, you hungry? I just made some ramen."

"Ah. That's…very tempting…but I'd just as soon starve."

"Well, hey, more for me." The ramen still didn't sound good, but I sat down like I was going to eat it anyway, reluctantly setting the note to the side.

He watched me, "If I may ask, what in the world happen to you? You look as if you were mugged."

"No. I…" I wasn't going to tell him I'd gotten my ass beat while looking for him. Never. "I had a run-in with an old friend."

He cocked an eyebrow at me. "Quite frankly, you look like you didn't win."

Not answering, I stirred the ramen, trying to look like I was actually interested in it.

Hakkai sighed, "I find it hard to believe that I can't even go out of town for less than twenty-four hours without you getting in trouble."

"Hey." I snapped, feeling way too impatient and in way too much pain to keep my mouth shut for his 'I know best' speech. "It never would have happened if you'd just told me where you were going, alright? I ran all over the goddamn world looking for you today, so show some respect."

He studied me, but he didn't look particularly surprised. "What on earth were you looking for me for?"

"I already told you. I didn't know where you went."

"I had no idea you were so emotionally dependent. It's rather disturbing."

"Hey, asshole, it's not like you to be gone all night, okay? So I was looking for you. Sue me." I added under my breath, "You woulda' looked for me."

Hakkai was quiet a second, and then he laughed suddenly.

I glared up at him, "What the fuck's so funny?"

"It's just that I haven't seen you in such a…defensive mood in quite a long time. You must have been quite beside yourself, looking all over town for me."

"I already said I wasn't worried. Jeez, can you just drop it?"

"That's not what Sanzo said."

"Sanzo? Sanzo said what? When did you see him? What did that asshole say?"

"Oh, I went by to see them on my way home, just checking in to see if there's anything he needs us to do. They told me you were looking for me—Sanzo seemed to think you were somewhat delusional with alarm."

My face grew slightly warm at that, and I muttered, "That fucking dick."

Hakkai only laughed again, and then said, a little more seriously, "You know, it's perfectly fine if you were a little concerned. I did disappear without saying a word to you; and I appreciate the thought. And, you're right of course. I would look for you, if you were gone an uncharacteristically long amount of time. Hopefully it would be more than twenty-four hours though."

He laughed again.

"I'm glad you think it's so funny—I almost got killed looking for you."

Hakkai just smiled, "Yes, don't do that again. I don't have the money to pay for a funeral. Now why don't you go get some rest? You look as if you're going to pass out." Passing out almost sounded like it would be nice, actually. I was super tired.

Then again, maybe it was stupid, but after looking for him all day, I was sort of reluctant to let him out of my sight. "Um, you're not… I mean, Sanzo doesn't need us to do anything any time soon, right?"

Hakkai gave me an amused look, "No, no, everything in Chang'an seems to be peaceful, and as for me, you needn't worry anymore. I intend to sleep for the next twenty-four hours or so." He added, as an afterthought, "I'll be here when you wake up."

"Right. Yeah, no. I just wondered, because I'm getting a little low on money."

"Oh, sure, sure. Well, if you want, I can take a look at whatever you've done to your stomach, or does that not matter either?"

"God, you're smug today." I lifted my shirt again, "I think they're broken."

Hakkai finally frowned, "It certainly looks that way. What were you doing again?"

"Dealing with some assholes. Nothin' special."

Shaking his head he went to grab the bandages, and set to wrapping my ribs. "In the future, you should try to be more careful. I'd rather not feel like I have to worry about you every second we're apart."

I knew it was supposed to be a joke, but I didn't really feel like laughing. "I'll keep that in mind."

"I really am sorry, Gojyo." He said it more sincerely than he had before. "I didn't realize it was going to affect you to this degree."

"Eh. Forget it—I'm the idiot who didn't see the note."

"Come now, worrying about me doesn't make you an idiot."

"I wasn't worried. Besides, you can take care of yourself."

"If anything makes you an idiot it's your reckless abandonment of tact, and your utter disregard for caution."

"Oy. You listening?"

"I blame myself, of course, and in the future, I'll be sure to put any notes I leave on bright, neon green, poster paper."

"Very funny, smart ass."

"In all sincerity though, your loyalty is touching."

"Oh, quit making a big deal out of it, would'ja'. I was just hungry. I wanted to find you so you'd come home and make lunch."

I thought he'd start dissing on my ramen next, or something like that, but he just looked me in the eyes, "Is it really such a big deal to admit you were concerned for my well-being?"

I snorted a little and started to tell him all over again that he should drop it, because, for the last time, I wasn't worried, but I stopped myself and took a short glance around the room. What did it matter anyway? We were the only people here. Did I think he was going to laugh at me or throw it in my face later?

Even if that was what my first thought was, I knew better than to believe it.

I smacked him upside the head, just as hard and seriously as I'd been wanting to all day, and I didn't even smile as I growled, "Asshole. Don't freakin' scare me like that, alright? You got a lotta' shit that could come back and bite you in the ass some day, you know? How'm I supposed to know the difference between you going off to deliver a baby and some dick coming back to get revenge on you?"

He didn't smile either, but his voice was calm, "The note, Gojyo. The note."

"Stick it on the ash tray next time, you jack ass."

"Very well then. I'm sorry to have made you worry, and I'm terribly sorry you were injured while in search of me." He sounded totally serious still. The honesty was sort of nice, so I was quiet again.

"There now." He finished tying off the bandages around my waist and stood up, punched me in the head, suddenly, not half as playfully as he should have.

"Ow! What the fuck, dude?"

"That's for hitting me." He explained, cheerfully.

"That ain't frickin' funny, 'Kai! I got hit in the head a lot today!"

"A standard reaction to your typical attitude, I'm sure. Now excuse me while I dispose of this god-awful excuse for food and make us a real meal."

I was still rubbing my head, "Naw, you don't have to, if you're tired."

"No, I think I'd better. After all, if you've resorted to making _this_ tripe for lunch, you must really be starving. I know I am."

"Hunh. I'm starting to think you get some kinda' sick pleasure out of being a homemaker."

"Perhaps." He had his back to me now, and his voice was quiet. "Although, I don't think it's unreasonable, wanting to look after what you have when you have so little to begin with."

I glanced around the house again, and even with my crap still sitting everywhere, it was way cleaner than it had ever been before he came along.

"Oh. _That's_ why you do it."

Without a word, Hakkai faced me again, smiling more genuinely than usual; he reached out and tacked the note to my forehead.

_ It's the reason I do a lot of things._


	18. Chapter 18

**I thought, since the last chapter of Violent World was pretty brutal, I'd give you something nice to read. heheh  
>A little trivia for all of you: my inspiration for this fic came from Final Fantasy VI, which is a damn good game. I highly recommend it.<strong>

**And, while I'm at it, I promise you I have a life outside of fanfictions and video games. =P**

* * *

><p>Home<p>

We were having a lovely walk today. Everything was turning green all around me, the trees and flowers were in full bloom, and the valley was full of the sounds of life. I watched birds dart through the trees, chirping and hopping from branch to branch. In the fresh breath of the wind I smelt flowers and the earth and rain suspended in the sky. Earlier in the morning, we'd endured a small, spring shower, forced to seek shelter under a tree, and even though most of the drops had dried off the leaves in the trees, the road was soft and spotted with puddles.

Gojyo sloshed through one, even as I was skirting around it, looking decidedly bored and tired. "Hey. How long've we been doing this?"

"We've only been walking for two days." I answered drowsily. After climbing the mountains and hiking through the woods, I was somewhat drained, and also, a little frustrated. "I know. It feels as if we've been wandering forever."

"Not that. This bullshit with doing things for Sanzo."

"Oh. A bit under a year, I think. Why?"

"Nn. Dunno'. Just makin' conversation. This sucks."

"We'll have to try to make the most of it, I suppose."

"Are we lost?"

"Lost? No, of course not. Why?"

"I dunno'." He said again. "How much further do we have to go?"

"Not too much further."

"_How much_ further, Hakkai?"

I tried to keep my patience as I answered, "According to the map, we're just a couple of miles away."

"You haven't even looked at the map for hours, Hakkai."

"It's a simple route, I assure you."

"So you memorized it?"

"Yes." I couldn't help sounding impatient now.

"I'm frickin' tired."

I looked over my shoulder, back the way we'd come from. It went without saying that our town was out of sight by this time, but I was tired too, and I felt very far from home. We hadn't been walking all _that_ long—I didn't think two days was very much—but it was certainly further than we were accustomed to going, and this time, I didn't think either of us wanted to be out here. Gojyo's whining was mild, but it was steady, and I was getting sick of hearing it, my feet were starting to feel sore, and I really hadn't slept well last night, miles from my own bed.

"We'll be there soon."

"Great. Then we get to turn around and walk all the way back. Man, what a suckfest."

"It could be worse."

"Sanzo's suck a dick, sending us all the way out here."

I didn't answer. I thought I caught a whiff of smoke in the air—a campfire? Or perhaps, a stove from a nearby cabin. It could be we were closer to the village than I thought.

"Besides, I'm getting hungry. When're we gonna' eat?"

"Soon."

Gojyo sighed. "Soon. Right."

"Your ceaseless grumbling is not making this go by any faster."

"Hey, I'm just saying, maybe we need to get a car or something."

"Perhaps next time we'll borrow the little, red wagon from the neighbor boy, and I can pull you around in it. How does that sound?"

Gojyo scowled at me, so I smiled back at him, as brightly as I could.

"You don't hafta' be a smart ass about it."

We rounded the bend, and then, ahead of us, I could see one last ring of dark, newly leafy trees, just before the valley opened up into an expansive, green grassland that went all the way to the horizon. A small town was built at the mouth of the valley, a single column of gray smoke rising up from the red rooftops.

"There, you see? I told you we weren't far. I estimate we'll arrive in approximately thirty minutes."

"Cool. Then we can eat, right?"

"Not necessarily."

"What? Why not?"

"Need I remind you, this is not a pleasure trip? It will likely come down to a fight." "Then maybe we should eat now, before we get there."

"We'll eat once we're finished here. Right now, we need to focus on what we've come to accomplish."

"I don't wanna' fight on an empty stomach."

"Smoke another cigarette." I suggested, continuing forward.

He mumbled about it all for a while longer, but we proceeded none-the-less, and I ignored what he said. We ventured down through the valley and past the final thicket of trees, down the road, right into the town, which was a bit shabbier than I had been expecting. I knew we were coming to a village full of outlaws, but I was rather surprised by how out of sorts the place was. The fence that was supposed to encircle the perimeter was broken down, in desperate need of repair, the road needed mending, and I saw that most of the buildings were rundown, with broken out windows, roofs that were full of holes, or, in some cases, caving in all together. I saw a few malnourished dogs and some barefoot children, who stared, wide-eyes at us and whispered to each other, but over all, the town was silent.

"Man, this place is dead." Gojyo commented.

"Don't let your guard down, none-the-less. It could be a trap."

He retorted with an impatient, "I know."

Still, the further we walked, the less likely that seemed. No trap was sprung, and I didn't see so much as a pickpocket lurking in the shadows, only the children, who crept after us, trailing behind a few yards, and whenever I'd look back at them, they'd squeal and run away, retreating back a safe distance, only to continue following us when they were sure we weren't planning to hurt them.

Needless to say, we reached the center of town without incident. There was a market place there—that is, it looked like there had been, at one time. Now it seemed as if all the shops had been shut down and abandoned. Another small group of children was there, huddled in a circle on the ground, playing some sort of game with smooth, flat stones. Several of them looked as though they might be old enough to be of some assistance, so I cleared my throat.

Immediately, they all jumped up, backing away a little and staring at us. There were only six of them, most of them under the age of ten, all ducking behind a thin girl who was all elbows and knees, with straight hair and a plain face typical of her age. She didn't look a day over fifteen, and her lips were shaking as she spoke, "Wh-who are you?" Her eyes darted back and forth, scanning the abandoned market, as if she were looking for someone. An adult, perhaps.

I felt exactly the same way, especially since I hadn't seen anyone older than her since we came here.

Gojyo's thoughts must have been similar to my own, because the next thing he mumbled was, "What is this, a village of nothin' but kids?"

Smiling as reassuringly as I could at the children, I said, "Hello. Forgive us for startling you. My name is Cho Hakkai, and this is Sha Gojyo."

The girl stared back at us warily, and the smaller children were peeking out from behind her, clinging to her ragged, dirty skirt.

"We don't mean to intrude." I continued, when it was clear she wasn't going to reciprocate by introducing herself, "Is there someone around here we can have a word with? Someone…older, perhaps?"

She watched us, wordlessly, for another moment, and then she seemed to look past me, expression relaxing slightly.

I turned.

A young woman was standing there, just a few feet from us. She was a bit older than the other girl—much closer to my own age—and she had long, flaxen, wavy hair, with a small circlet of flowers around her head, soft, gray eyes looking at us piercingly, and like the children, she was dressed in tattered rags. Unlike the children, she was armed with a long, sharp spear she'd apparently fashioned out of bamboo and a piece of jagged steel. Another group of young children was clustered around her as well, among them, a black-haired boy of fourteen or so, who was standing almost flush with her, looking all too ready to fight.

The tip of the spear was hovering close to my nose. "Ah. I beg your pardon." I apologized, meeting the woman's eyes.

"Who are you? What do you want here?" She demanded. Her voice, like her eyes, was soft, but there was a fierceness to it as well, and although she appeared to be fully human, I got the sense that she was a warrior, of sorts, with a smooth, silken body and lean, toned muscles in her shoulders, arms and neck.

Gojyo and I glanced at each other. He was smirking, and I already knew what he was thinking. I could practically hear the lewd thoughts leaking out of his mind.

Shaking my head at him, ever so slightly, I turned back to the woman, "Excuse us, Miss. We don't mean any harm-"

"I'll decide that. Just tell me who you are and what it is you want."

"Of course. As I was saying just before you came, my name is Cho Hakkai, and my partner here is Sha Gojyo."

Gojyo grinned at her, "And what's your name, babe?"

"I don't care about names." The woman snapped, directing the spear at him now. "Who are you people? What are you doing here?"

"I…that is…we…" I only stammered because I wasn't sure how to explain what we were after anymore. This place was nothing like the way Sanzo had described it, and suddenly I wondered if we might be in the wrong town. "This may be difficult to believe, Miss, but we were sent by a Sanzo priest, on official business."

At last, she looked interested, "A priest? What kind of business?"

"Oh, nothing terribly serious. Sanzo has reason to believe that a band of notorious outlaws are hiding out in this town, and he's asked us to eliminate them. I'm sure it's an odd thing to hear—a priest sending us to deal with such a delicate matter—but that's our reason for coming, none-the-less." I scanned the market again, still not seeing any outlaws or thugs of any sort. "We'd appreciate any help we can get."

She snorted, "Well, I wish you luck, Cho-san. But I'm the only adult in this town, and I'm definitely not an outlaw."

I turned back to her, "I beg your pardon?"

"No way." Gojyo gaped at her, "You're the only adult in this whole place? 'Kai. It really _is_ a village fulla' nothin' but kids."

"How can that be? Isn't this _ Village?"

She shook her head, "I'm afraid not. That's almost ten miles east of here."

"_Ten_ miles?!" Gojyo squawked, turning on me at once, "What the _fuck_, Hakkai?! I thought you said we weren't lost! What happened to 'it's an easy route'?"

"I'll have to consult the map in a moment." I muttered back at him.

He continued glaring at me.

The woman sighed, lowering her spear, expression somewhat more distressed now, "Then your priest isn't interested in this town at all?"

"In a manner of speaking, no. Not at all. However, being here in person, I'm somewhat interested myself. Are you truly the only adult here?"

"That's right. Hui and Yuuki are the two oldest here, besides me: everyone else is a little kid."

"How the hell's somethin' like _that_ happen?"

She looked between us for a moment, then turned back to the teenage girl, "Hui, gather everyone together for a head count, please. I want to make sure no one's missing."

"Yes, Reina." Hui took the hands of both children on either side of her, and then led the others away, the teenage boy, Yuuki, I suspected, following after, looking over his shoulder at us repeatedly as he walked off.

Reina gestured for us to follow, before starting to walk as well, through the abandoned market and down a wide, road that had flowers growing along both sides of it.

Gojyo was right behind her. "So, these kids ain't all _yours_, right?"

I knew he was trying to find some excuse to hook up with her, but from the sound of Reina's voice, she was insulted, "_None_ of them are, Sha-san." She replied, coldly.

"Gojyo." He trotted up beside her, not at all deterred by her tone, "And you're Reina, right? That's a cute name. Hey, _you're_ pretty cute, y'know? You got that whole tough girl thing going for you. And you're telling me there aren't any guys your age in this whole town?"

I was just about to nudge him and give him a brief scolding, when Reina retorted, "I'm supposed to be flattered, right? Sorry, but I've got way more important things to think about, so if you two are here just to hit on me, you might as well beat it."

"I…" Gojyo trailed away, and I caught glimpse of how sheepish that made him feel. He tucked a cigarette in his mouth, "I'm sorry."

Reina's eyes flickered up to meet his, briefly, as if she hadn't been expecting an apology, and then she looked ahead again, leading us around a corner, back to a tall, stone house that looked as if it were mostly intact still. "It's all right."

"Reina-san." I spoke up, "Er, is it all right if I call you that?"

"Yes. And you're Hakkai-san, right?"

"Yes. I for one am extremely interested to know why there aren't any adults—male or otherwise—living in this town."

We approached the door to the house, and Reina stepped in, depositing the spear there in the corner. The whole place was dark and bare and somewhat drafty, with a simple wood table and a few photographs gracing the walls.

"A year ago, this town was a beautiful, thriving place—as far as I know anyway—but there was just one thing wrong with it. A group of marauders came down from the mountains every few months, took whatever they wanted from this village, and then went on their way. I guess they'd been doing that for years—as long as most of the kids here can remember anyway—and as time went on, they became more and more violent about it." Reina pulled a knife from her hip and laid it out on the table, then she walked into the kitchen. I watched her take graceful steps to the window and pull back the curtains, letting the light fall on her pale hair.

"Last year." She went on softly, "Something happened. I don't know all the details. Hui tells me someone was killed—the village elder, or someone like that—so the people of the village decided it was time to stand up to the marauders.

"It's a small town, and not many people lived here to begin with, but I guess they thought it would be better than continuing to live in fear, so they hid the kids somewhere safe, and when the marauders came, they fought them.

"It…well, it didn't go well, as you can probably guess. Everyone was either killed or carried off; everyone but the kids. A lot of the buildings were burned down or destroyed, livestock and food and goods were all stolen too, and then the marauders left. They haven't been back since, as far as I understand, and the kids were left to fend for themselves."

"But what about you?" Gojyo asked. "If I were gonna' carry anybody in this village off, it would be you."

This time I did nudge him, "Can't you stop, even for a moment?"

"What? I'm just sayin'-"

Reina continued to look out the window, "I didn't live here yet. I came a couple of months after the incident. By that time, a few of the kids had died of sickness or hunger or thirst, and there were only a handful left, doing their best to take care of one another. Hui and Yuuki were trying to look after everyone…but…they're just kids too, you know.

"I can't replace their parents." She finished quietly, "But I've lived here ever since, trying to protect those who are left. My father taught me to fight, and I've chased off my share of men. My only hope is that it will be enough."

Gojyo and I were quiet. I felt somewhat impressed with Reina. She was a woman of a somewhat tender age, probably no older than either of us—twenty at best—and yet she was determined to live here as long as she was needed, tending to more than fifteen children, with no promise of relief in sight.

She retrieved a bottle from the cupboard. It was full of a thick, golden liquid, and I assumed it was mead, or something similar. She drank straight from the bottle, "We don't have much left, but would you like anything to drink or eat? You look like you've been traveling a while, and I feel bad about the spear. It wasn't a very nice welcome."

"Oh, not at all. It's perfectly understandable—we'd just be grateful to be able to fill our canteens before we go on our way. You say _ Village is ten miles east of here?"

"That's right. If you hurry, you might make it by nightfall, but if you're going after a band of outlaws, you'll probably want to get there in the day light. Anyway, you're welcome to the water—the well still works, thank God—and you can stay as long as you want."

Reina finally smiled at us, and my heart melted a bit. She had a truly breathtaking smile, sweet and kind, eyes bright, with full lips as pink as cherry blossoms, and dimples in her cheeks.

I believe Gojyo almost fell over.

"We really should be on our way soon." I said, when I'd caught my breath again, "But, if I may ask, considering that _ is just a short journey from here, why haven't you gone there? I understand that herding so many children for ten miles would be a trying experience, but wouldn't it be much better than staying here and using up what few resources are left?"

"You're right; believe me, I've thought about leading them there many times, but…I just don't think we can. I don't think…we would make it."

Just like that, the beautiful smile was gone.

"It can't be that dangerous." Gojyo said.

"Normally, I think you'd be right, but to get there, we'd have to cross the valley, and it would take half a day. It's not that far really, but the real problem isn't having enough supplies to take, or even keeping track of all the kids. The real problem is Hagolgi."

"What'sa' Hagolgi?"

"Hagolgi is a fat, ugly demon who lives on top of the ridge. He's had his eye on this place ever since the marauders wiped all the adults out. To him, this village is an easy target; before, he used to harass travelers, stealing their supplies, or eating them, but these days, it's much simpler to attack us here. He's carried off more than five children since I came."

Her voice turned sad, her eyes looked angry, and she clenched her fist, "I drive him off over and over, but he never goes away for good; I'm not strong enough to kill him. Every now and then…" She shook her head suddenly, "Every now and then, I'm just not good enough, and an innocent kid pays for that.

"If I thought we could cross the valley without getting Hagolgi's attention, I would do it, in a heart beat. I don't know how much longer all of us can stay in this place like this: we have no electricity, no running water, it's hard to get food. I can hunt, but I can't be away from the village for very long. When children get sick, I don't have what I need to help them, and usually, they die. It's an awful situation, and Hagolgi makes it impossible to leave. So we stay." She smiled again, only sadly this time. "We all just…keep waiting for something good to come to us."

For a long time, none of us said anything. I think Gojyo and I were both caught up in her courage and her beauty and in the tragedy of her tale. I tried to think of something I could do for her, but in the end, I only managed to murmur, "If there's anything I can do…anything _we_ can do, I mean…please, don't hesitate to ask."

Reina shook her head, facing us again, her jaw set firmly, "That's very sweet, Hakkai-san, but this is my village, and these are my kids to protect. I'll do whatever I have to do…"

"That doesn't mean you can't ask for help." Gojyo snorted. "If you need it then-"

She snapped at him suddenly, "What, because I'm a woman? You think that since you're a man you can just come to my rescue? Be my knight in shining armor? Believe me, Sha-san, there's an answer to this problem, and I'll find it. Without your help."

Gojyo looked somewhat dazed, face flushing slightly, and he didn't say anything.

I spoke up instead, "That's your call to make, I suppose, Reina-san. We'll see about filling those canteens now, if you'd be so kind as to direct us to the well."

Reina told us where to find the well, and then excused herself to go and find Hui, who I remembered was supposed to be involved in the head count. Gojyo and I left the house as well, walking slowly through the town.

It was several minutes before Gojyo said, "What a crazy girl, huh?"

"Oh, as if you're not completely smitten with her."

"Well, she _is_ hot. But seriously, how stubborn can you get?"

"She has a valid point though. What can we do for her? We can't make this town suitable for children—we can't fix the electricity or the water or make a wholesome variety of food appear. We don't even have the luxury of staying long enough to even begin to improve things. Reina-san must know that, and so, to her, any gallant offer to be of service likely sounds like little more than lip service."

"Yeah, but we can hunt down this Hagolgi freak, take him out, and then Reina and the kids could leave. Better yet, we could walk 'em over to _ Village, and if that bastard tries anything, we'd be there to-"

"Gojyo." I gave him a serious, mildly contrite look, tried not to sound too harsh as I said, "Please be realistic. For one thing, we're already in the middle of something rather important. And for another _ Village isn't really a place you'd want to take a group of children, or a beautiful woman, for that matter. Getting rid of Hagolgi is obviously the solution to the problem, but hunting him down is completely out of the question, at this point in time at least, and Reina already said she doesn't want our assistance."

"So what? We go on with the mission and forget all about it?"

We had reached the well now. It was near the outskirts of the town, and it looked somewhat ancient. I stared down into the black hole, straining to see any water below, and thought a moment. From Gojyo's voice, I gathered that he expected me to say yes—he expected me to step up and be the responsible, on task one, to insist on going about our business because we already had a commitment, but I had to consider what would happen to Reina and all these children, if a solution weren't reached soon.

I pulled the bucket up from the well, laughing a bit, "I know that you think you know that I'm going to say 'this has nothing to do with us'. Does that mean we've been around each other too long already?"

"You mean you're _not_ gonna' say that?"

"Not exactly, at least. I…agree that it doesn't seem fair to leave these people to their fate, but I honestly don't see how we can help. For now though, what I'm thinking is this." I finished filling the first canteen and handed it back to him, took the next one. "According to Reina, it will take us half a day to walk to _ Village, and by then it will be dark. She did offer to allow us to stay here as long as we need to, and also to feed us, although, I don't feel right about eating any of their food."

"I'm still hungry." Gojyo muttered under his breath, as if he were just remembering the fact himself.

"What I'm trying to say is, it wouldn't hurt to recuperate here. We're both tired, I think, and your whining is beginning to drive me just slightly mad, so why don't we stay the night here? We'll get up early tomorrow, get back on track with the mission, and go from there."

He studied me a second, "You wanna' help them, huh?"

"So do you."

"Yeah, but what can we do?"

"I have no idea. But this way, we have an extra sixteen hours or so to think of something."

He stared hard at me for a bit longer, "What's with you? You got the hots for her?"

"Goodness. Am I really _that_ hard-hearted that wanting to help women and children who are in distress is so totally out of character?"

"What? No… I dunno'…I didn't think you'd wanna' get side-tracked."

"What I don't want to do is to walk ten miles today and fight a band of brutish outlaws. As far as I'm concerned, there's plenty of time for that tomorrow. Also, it wouldn't be very gentlemanly of me to leave the damsel in distress without so much as a thought."

"You're sure you don't have the hots for her?"

"Please be serious. I know better than to try to compete with _you_, Casanova."

"As long as we're on the subject." He smiled devilishly, "If we're staying the night here, I'm probably not rooming with _you_ tonight. Just thought you should know."

"Ah. There you go again, disappointing me. Oh, but Reina has rebuffed all your efforts so far, and rather well too, if you ask me. I think it's a touch overconfident, Gojyo, just assuming you'll be sleeping with her. Some might even say it's conceited of you. Personally, I can't help but think you're losing your touch."

"Geez, what do you do? Just sit around and think of ways to insult me?"

"Certainly not. For one thing, these insults aren't very difficult to come up with."

"Ha ha. Just listen to this guy."

We began walking back through town. There were children everywhere now, it seemed. I suppose they'd all come out of the woodwork for the head count, and I thought it likely that there were at least twenty of them, like I'd initially suspected. They ranged from toddler age to young teenagers of thirteen or fourteen. I even saw one little girl holding a baby. For the most part, the children were all cheerful enough, running and chasing one another, shouting and climbing on things. They were disorganized and a bit out of control, but that was to be expected, all dressed in rags, thin, with hungry eyes, but it seemed they hadn't lost their spirit, even being orphaned as they were.

It…touched me in a very specific way, having been an orphan myself, and I remembered all too well what it was like, knowing that your parents—the greatest figures of love and protection in a child's life—were never coming back for you. It hardly mattered if that was a choice they'd made or not, all that mattered was that you were alone in this world now.

"I can't believe none of these kids have parents." Gojyo said after a while.

"It is rather disheartening. The marauders must have had a fairly large group."

"What a buncha' bastards."

I noticed that a group of the children were following us now, giggling and whispering, and more and more gathered around as we went.

A young girl with hair tied up in pig tails tugged on my shirt. "Mister, are you here to help us?"

I wasn't sure how to answer honestly without breaking her little heart, so I smiled and took her hand, "Perhaps. Is there something you need help with, little one?"

She thought a moment, very carefully.

The other children crowded in around us, and I felt them grabbing at my clothes and hanging off my arms, laughing and chattering. When I looked at Gojyo, I saw that he had children clinging to him as well, but he didn't seem particularly bothered. It reminded me of the little boy we'd helped find his way back to his uncle some time ago, and I thought Gojyo liked children more than he let on to.

"Homework." The little girl declared suddenly, drawing me back out of my thoughts.

I looked down at her again, "You mean to tell me you need help with your homework?"

"Wait a minute? You guys still have to do _homework_?" Gojyo blurted, "Man, Reina's mean."

Reina was suddenly right beside him, looking cool and collected and perfect, "Oh, I guess it makes a lot more sense to let them all grow up completely uneducated just because they're parents are gone."

"Hell yeah. You kidding? Everybody's in mourning—I'm pretty sure you're supposed to get like five years off from school if your parents die."

Reina rather glared at him, but I wasn't sure if she was more bothered by his coarse manners, his idiotic proposal, or his indelicacy. I was rather aghast at him in general in that particular moment, but once again, I wasn't given the opportunity to correct him.

"I'm just trying to give these kids a normal life, _Sha-_san. Excuse me for having a sense of propriety. Some people have to."

Gojyo looked like a deer caught in the headlights—again—cheeks turning slightly red once more. "I just meant…"

"Do you actually _mean_ something by all the dumb things you say, boy? Or are you just spitting out whatever comes to mind because you want to impress me?"

I laughed out loud.

With that, Reina turned on her heel and strode away, not once looking back at him.

I gave Gojyo a pitying smile, and then knelt beside the little girl, who was still holding on tightly to my hand, "Well, it just so happens homework is my specialty."

As it turned out, a number of children were interested in having my help with their studies, and so I agreed to helping them, partly because I wasn't sure what else to do, and then I found myself helping over half a dozen of them with a variety of subjects, mostly without even thinking about it. Just outside the town, where the grasslands began, there was an old picnic table sitting beneath a solitary tree, with miles and miles of thick, green grass around it, and pure, blue sky above it. About half a mile away, there was a wide, round lake, sparkling brilliantly, the sun was warm, the wind blowing lightly, and I sat down there with my new-found students, and they huddled close to me with their ratty piles of paper and nubby, wooden pencils, watching me with wide, eager eyes.

Most of their supposed homework was relatively basic. Math of varying levels, grammar and language assignments, some standard social science, and simple lessons in natural science as well. One at a time, I took their questions, presented the problem to the group in a way that was easy to understand, and walked them through the steps needed to find the solution. Or else I found myself lecturing on about a given subject, teaching essentially. It was such a comfortable, familiar role for me to take on, I hardly considered what I was doing, or why, and my students seemed all-too happy to learn, thirsty for knowledge, and once again, I found myself impressed with Reina. Not only was she striving to protect these children, she was doing her best to teach them what she knew.

The assignments were written out on crude, somewhat dusty scraps of paper, as if she'd scrawled them out on whatever she could find, and in some cases—particularly in science, I noticed—the lesson wasn't fully correct, in which case, I was obligated to re-explain everything properly. I didn't think Reina would mind.

All in all, it had been such a long time since I'd done anything of that nature, I enjoyed myself considerably.

When I had been sitting there about an hour, I saw Gojyo walking with Reina, around the lake. I had been so absorbed in the current lesson, I hadn't seen them come down from the village. I hesitated in the middle of what I was saying and observed them a moment.

They were walking side by side, somewhat slowly, with three of the smaller children following behind them and playing beside the water. Gojyo had one hand in his pocket, a cigarette in the other, and he seemed to be doing most of the talking. Reina was laughing. She looked very pretty in the sunlight, and I could hear the warm peal of her laughter even where I was sitting.

I suppose it meant he'd gotten to her one way or another, though I wondered if he'd had to really turn up the charm, or if she'd liked him all along, in spite of her gruff response to his advances.

Smiling to myself, I turned back to the matter at hand. After all, I'd be lying if I denied being a little jealous—Reina _was_ a beautiful, inspiring woman, and I was drawn to her courage—and I couldn't honestly say that I didn't want to walk with her around the lake, but in the end, I knew what it was about her that captivated me, and I knew better than to even consider fooling with that. Any time something so much as made me think of Kanan, I knew it was for the best to stay away from it.

Not long after that, they came to see what I was doing, laughing and flirting as they approached, and by that time, Gojyo had his arm around her waist, and she was allowing it.

"Hey, man. What's up?"

"Hello." I smiled up at them, "What have you two been doing?"

"Making sure the perimeter's secure." He winked at me.

"Is that so? I'm glad to hear it; in any case, you're just in time for a science lesson, Gojyo. I know how you love those. Why don't you take a seat?"

"Pfft. Yeah right. I mean, _no thanks_."

"Oh, but don't you want to learn about the water cycle?"

"I already know how the water cycle works."

"Do you really? I'm impressed."  
>Gojyo shoved my head down playfully, "Look, you. Why the hell do I put up with you anyway?"<p>

Reina laughed at us, tucking some hair back behind her ear, "It's sweet of you to help the kids, Hakkai-san. Gojyo was telling me that you used to be a teacher."

"Oh." I looked up at Gojyo, and he shrugged at me, grinning. "Yes, well, that's true, but it's been a long time since I've done anything like this, I'm afraid."

"What about tutoring Goku?" Gojyo asked, sounding only partially curious.

"It's quite a bit different. You know how Goku is—sorry to say, these students have quite a bit more aptitude for the material than he does."

"Go figure."

"At any rate, Miss Reina." I turned my attention to her once again, "I'm impressed with what you've done for these children on your own. I can hardly believe you're tutoring so many of them all on your own."

She smiled but said, "It's all common knowledge, really. I'm no teacher."

"Oh, I think you're just too modest."

"You're nice. Both of you." She looked back and forth between the two of us, giving Gojyo an almost affectionate look that made me curious as to what he'd done to win her over.

"Anyway." Gojyo said at length, pounding my shoulder, "We'll get outta' your hair, sensei."

I knew what that really meant of course, so I laughed. "Yes, yes. By all means."

Reina added, "Lunch will be soon. I hope you two will stay and eat."

"I think we intend to."

She smiled at me one last time, and then they walked off together, hand-in-hand.

Soon after that, all the homework seemed to be done, and my pupils were all somewhat restless and bored-looking, and I was really feeling my old role as a teacher taking over me, so I stood up with a smile and said, "You all did quite well today, and I'm pleased to have met such an able-minded group of students. Now, I suggest we all take some time to get a bit of recreation. Who would like to play a game?"

Every one of them seemed eager to play, and so instructed them to find an old, tin can, of reasonable size, and taught them a game I used to play with my old students. I was 'It' first, naturally, so I stood near the can and closed my eyes and counted to one hundred as the children all hid in the tall grass and the few surrounding trees, and then I set to seeking them out one at a time, which wasn't terribly difficult, considering our surroundings, and taking into account how young most of them were, at which point, none of them were too difficult to catch, though I did go easy on them, for the most part. Those caught were obligated to go and stand beside the can. When I'd caught over half of them, I called loudly enough for all to hear, "Keep in mind, those who have yet to be captured have the opportunity to run and kick the can, thereby freeing everyone imprisoned thus far, provided they're not caught themselves.

Not long after that, a little boy named Kiri made his attempt at kicking the can. He was surprisingly fast for his age, and while I was chasing after him, a girl, no more than five, took advantage of my distraction. I allowed her to succeed in order to make the game more interesting, and because I knew it wouldn't take long to round all of them up again.

By the time I'd caught all eight of the children I'd initially started the game with, another four had lined up by the picnic table, waiting to join in the fun as well, and so a new 'it' was selected, and the game began again. And when that round had ended, another five children were asking to play as well. In fact, it seemed that each time the game ended, more children had come and wanted to join us. Before long, I thought that most of the children in the village were playing in the meadow with me.

There weren't many suitable places for someone my size to hide in the field, but I wasn't terribly concerned with winning, so it hardly mattered. I was perfectly content to crouch down in the grass, perhaps just slightly visible even, jog at a light pace when the respective 'It' found me, giving them a fair chance to catch me, and then went quietly to stand by the can when I'd been caught. On a couple of different occasions, I managed to make it to the can and knock it over, freeing whoever was there already, but for the most part, I let everyone enjoy their turn as 'It', and in turn, I enjoyed the simplicity of the game. It had been a long time since I'd done anything like this…

For nearly an hour, we'd been at it, and then Gojyo came and sat up on the picnic bench and smoked and watched us.

I took a break to go and have a word with him.

"Did you scare Reina away?" I asked, picking my way across the meadow.

"Nah. She's making lunch. You look like you're havin' fun."

"That's right. 'kankeri' is a classic form of entertainment, even older than we are."

"Hunh. Never played it."

"I'm sad to learn that. Even I had the opportunity to play at least a few times when I was a child."

"Yeah. Well…" He shrugged. "I was too busy learning how to play five card stud, I guess."

I studied a moment, wondering what other reasons he had for never having played such a common game, but I could infer easily enough.

"What?" He demanded, and I think he thought I was pitying him.

"I…don't suppose you could be persuaded to play with us now?"

"Ha. Hell no. I didn't come down here to play kid games."

"Since when are _you_ above doing something childish?"

"Since always." He sniffed.

"Oh, come now. I need some sort of challenge."

"Sorry, pal. Not interested."

"What? Do you not want Reina to see how silly and immature you are?"

"Nice try. There's no way I'm runnin' around like an idiot in this field, and Reina's got nothing to do with it."

"Very well then, if you're that opposed to it. You wouldn't be able to keep up with me anyway, and I certainly wouldn't want to humiliate you in front of so many people, including your latest squeeze."

Gojyo stared at me.

I smiled pleasantly.

He stood up suddenly, throwing his cigarette down, "Fine. But I get ta' be 'It'."

"Only if you insist." I laughed.

Either Gojyo made a terrible 'It', or else he just wanted to be 'It' for a very, very long time, because he remained that way for nearly half-an-hour. He didn't have any trouble finding the kids, and he didn't have any trouble catching them either. It wasn't long before he was laughing and scuffling around like he wasn't any older than ten or twelve himself, and he liked to swing the kids up over his shoulder when he caught them, or spin them around until he was almost too dizzy to walk them over to the can. Unfortunately though, he was so easily distracted, and got so absorbed in the action of catching a single individual, he'd completely forget about the can, and there was always plenty of opportunity for someone to come and kick it over.

I alone kicked it over on him five times, just to aggravate him.

"God _dammit_, Hakkai!" He screamed on the fifth time.

All the children laughed and squealed and went skipping away, free once again.

Laughing, I broke into an easy run, "You almost had all of them that time, Gojyo."

He sprinted after me, "I _know_! You're such an asshole!"

"Don't worry about it so much—even if you had caught all fifteen children hiding in this field, you still would have had to catch _me_, which, I'm sorry to say, is highly unlikely."

"Dude. You get so wordy when you gloat. It's just annoying."

He was right behind me now, so I ran a little faster.

Gojyo chased me all over the field, around the pond, through the trees, and eventually, right back to where we started, but he couldn't catch me. Or else he wasn't trying.

"You ought to try to cut back on how much you smoke." I sang out, cheerfully.

"Fuck. You."

I laughed again. And then, just because I knew we couldn't do this forever, I suddenly stopped, doubled back, and ran right at him.

Gojyo lowered his head, caught me around the waist, and threw me over his shoulder.

When I hit the ground, it knocked the wind out of me, and I lay there in a daze for several moments as he stood over me.

"Ha! I got you! You gotta' go stand by the can now!"

"I…believe you deserve some sort of…penalty for that…"

"Yeah? Like what?" He pulled me to my feet.

"I'll think of something. It will come when you're least expecting it, rest assured."

Gojyo simply stuck his tongue out at me and walked away to find the others.

We played a little longer, and I had the opportunity to be 'It' one last time, which seemed to drag on a bit, seeing how the number of people playing had increased so drastically since when we'd started.

I noticed that Gojyo was as bad at hiding as he was at being 'It'. Partly because his hair was eye-catching, no matter where he hid, and partly because when I noticed a small plume of white smoke circling up from the grass, it wasn't difficult to figure out what its source was. Still, I left him alone, knowing he'd try to kick the can over when I'd already caught nearly all of the kids. When he went for it, I chased him down and tackled him, wrestling him to the ground,

"There." I gave his face a light slap. "That's how it's done."

During the final round of the game, Yuuki, who'd come to play at the last minute, was 'It', and Gojyo and I hid together behind what had apparently been the wall of a shed or a house once. It was wooden, rotting, and chipped, but it made decent cover. We shoved one another, jockeying for space, and bickered as loudly as we dared.

"I guess this is sorta' fun." He snorted. As if he hadn't been having the time of his life, along with all the other juveniles in the meadow.

"Yes." I smiled slightly. "It's been a long time since I've played this game."

"Oh yeah?"

"Now that I think of it…this is the game I was playing with my students the day that Kanan was taken…"

Gojyo turned a mildly wide-eyed look on me. "Really?"

"Yes." My smile didn't dissipate, but it did feel sad and wrong suddenly. "I had nearly forgotten that…"

"Aw, shit, dude…"

"It's all right, I think. The game itself and the events that followed it have very little connection in my mind." I thought back on that day a moment. It had been a perfect day: warm, sunny, a spring day almost exactly like this one, with mild weather and light breeze. I'd ran and played with my students for over an hour when school let out. It was the very last time I would ever see most of them, but we had all been carefree and happy. My students had all been fond of me, and I of them. It had felt right then, as if I were reconnecting to some happy childhood I couldn't remember having, and at the time, I had been so oblivious. So naïve. Playing like a child while Kanan needed me.

_What a fool..._

For some reason, thinking about it now, I suddenly had the urge to stand up and walk away from the game, because I remembered that I had no right to play it. Ever.

I nearly did.

_Kanan…my students…how can two such opposite memories exist, side by side, within the same twenty-four hours?_

I started to excuse myself.

Gojyo laid his hand on the back of my neck, squeezing lightly.

I turned to him, having almost forgotten he was there with me.

We shared a brief, serious moment, in which we looked at each other, and I knew from his expression that he could sense the abrupt shift in my emotions, and see the grief all over my face.

One corner of his mouth turned up in a crooked smile, but his eyes stayed sympathetic as he drawled, "Don't give away my hiding spot, dude."

"No…" I managed to smile back, more grateful than anything, "No, of course not. What was I thinking?"

His hand slid away, and he puffed his cigarette, "Don't worry about it…"

That was the best I could do, as usual.

Soon after that, Reina came and announced that lunch was ready—apparently it was venison and some rations still left over from the days when the village was lively and productive—she invited us to eat with them, which Gojyo readily accepted, but I declined at once, insisting that we'd brought more than enough food for our journey, and it would be good enough for us. Reina said we should suit ourselves, and then the two of us sat down at the picnic table, and I dug out the rations I'd packed, while everyone else filed back into town. Within minutes, the meadow was perfectly still, aside from the blackbird cawing in the tree above us.

"Why didn't we eat with them?" Gojyo asked, sulking a little as he took the portion of food I handed him.

"Because I assume they have a very limited amount of supplies left, and I don't think we should take anything from them while we're here, particularly if we have something of our own to substitute."

He accepted that silently, and we ate without saying a word. I suppose after walking together for two days straight, there wasn't much left to say to one another. Still, I felt much more relaxed now, not being on the road, marching steadily toward a dangerous destination. When I thought about it, we were wasting quite a bit of time here, something Sanzo certainly wouldn't approve of, and normally, I wouldn't allow us to become so heavily sidetracked, but I almost felt as if I needed this distraction.

When the food was gone, Gojyo lit a cigarette, got up, stretched, and walked a few yards away to lie down on the grass.

Absently, I followed. I didn't really know what else to do, though, at the moment, it felt best to stay together.

The sun seemed especially warm in the field, and the breeze felt fresh, tranquility saturated everything, and I took great comfort in the smell of the grass and the sound of my room mate breathing right beside me, to a point where I didn't even consider the memories I'd had earlier of Kanan and my old students.

Staring up at the blue sky, I began to feel drowsy, my eyelids were heavy, and I shut them lightly, remembering how poorly I'd slept the night before.

Gojyo interrupted the silence, murmuring, "This place is kinda' nice…even if it is crawling with kids."

"I agree. It seems very far away from everything."

"I know right? It's like we're in the middle of nowhere, and we just stumbled onto this random orphanage."

My eyes were open again as soon as he uttered that word. I blinked slowly. "Yes. It seems very…suiting, in a way."

"Heh. I wonder if Reina would look after _me_ if I told her my parents are dead too."

I turned my head to look at him, but he was staring up at the sky, completely unbothered.

"That sounds like a fine idea. Then you could stay here for the rest of your life and help her look after the little ones."

"_The rest of my life_? Eh. No thanks. There's nobody to gamble with around here—how would I make my living?"

"More importantly, I don't believe there's a bar, or so much as a liquor store."

"Yeah, screw that. Besides, I'm not really into monogamy, and that Hui girl's got a few more years before she's legal."

"Oh, Gojyo…" I shook my head, "Well, in any case, it's nice to be here for now. I know I should be in a hurry to move along, but I'm enjoying the peace and simplicity here."

He didn't answer, and in a while, I assumed he didn't intend to, so I shut my eyes again.

When I'd almost fallen asleep, he asked me, "Hey, 'Kai. Would you ever want kids?"

I was awake again, at once, gazing up at a cloud that slightly resembled a thermometer. "That's rather an odd question coming from you."

"I don't mean nothin' by it. It just seems like you get along with kids pretty well…and some people want that, or whatever."

Once, Kanan and I had discussed children, though I didn't quite recall the outcome of that conversation now. We had both known that the two of us together shouldn't make a child, for fear of deformity or some kind of dreadful handicap, but adopting had always been an option. I had considered that it might be a nice ending to the story of my hopeless search for love: giving a home to an unwanted orphan, like myself or Kanan. But then, I had thought that, with the way our relationship was, perhaps we didn't exactly…deserve to have children, adopted or otherwise, and at the time, that had seemed like the price I had to pay in order to be with her.

"I suppose I never intended to have any."

"Yeah, but would you want some?"

"Perhaps. I am rather fond of children…" What was the purpose of such speculation, I wondered. The only woman I would ever care to raise a family with was… "It hardly matters now." I finished abruptly.

Gojyo nodded slowly, and I hoped that meant he understood, because I didn't particularly want to explain it to him.

"What about you?" I asked arbitrarily. "I can't necessarily picture you as a father, but has the thought ever crossed your mind?"

He laughed, "Now that _really_ doesn't matter. Even if I wanted to, it's never gonna' happen."

"So then. You haven't so much as considered it?"

"Naw. What's the point? Anyway, maybe it's better like this. I don't have to worry about knocking some girl up in a one night stand."

"Well, at least you're able to find the positive aspects of the situation."

"You know me. I'm an optimist."

"For being an optimist, you certainly complain more than your share."

"Hey, when something sucks, it sucks."

"Hm. I've been feeling more and more pessimistic lately, though I'm not sure why. I tell myself I have no right to be so despondent, particularly when I've been so fortunate, but...in light of everything…I can't exactly help it."

Gojyo was quiet.

When I faced him, I was startled to find that his head was turned toward me, sharp, red eyes studying me through the grass.

"I apologize." I laughed. "That was rather heavy, wasn't it?"

"Maybe you're not really a pessimist." He answered eventually, replacing his cigarette and looking back up at the sky. "Maybe you just keep short-changing yourself because you figure you'll never get to be happy again."

It was a startlingly insightful deduction, considering the source, and it reminded me that I shouldn't be short-changing _him_ either.

"That's possible too, I suppose." I shut my eyes once more, and I didn't say out loud that it was because I knew I would never get to be happy again. I didn't see how I could possibly replace Kanan. In fact, I wouldn't even want to.

I realized that was short-changing myself, by its very definition, but who's to say I wasn't giving myself enough credit? After all, I knew what I deserved. Didn't I?

Of course I know what I deserve… I know better than anyone…

"Do you hear that?" Gojyo sat up next to me, abruptly.

My body jerked. I must have fallen asleep, though I couldn't say for how long exactly. The sun didn't seem to have moved at all, but the clouds had drifted and my thermometer was completely misshapen.

Rubbing my eyes, I sat up too, "Mn. Hear what?"

"Sh."

He didn't normally shush me, and the implication was worrisome. I listened carefully.

There was nothing. For the longest time I couldn't detect anything out of place around us—no voices shouting in the distance, no gunfire, not so much as a hint of violence. I looked at him, but he was sitting perfectly still, an intense expression haunting his face, brow slightly wrinkled, and yet, now, I didn't hear so much as the calls of the wild birds who lived in the meadow. Finally, when I was half-way to the assumption that he'd been asleep too and had imagined a sound, it came to me. A low, soft, swooping sound. Something like the heavy beat of a bird's wings, slow, steady and powerful.

I scanned the sky, rather expecting to see a bird of prey soaring over the grass, but I didn't see anything either.

"You hear it, right?"

"Yes. I think so."

The beat was somewhat far apart, as if whatever it was could go quite far on just one flap of wings.

"It can't be a bird."

"No…I think it's too large for that."

"A dragon?"

"I've never seen a dragon in this region… Have you?"

"Nah. I've never seen a dragon. Ever."

"Perhaps…"

We sat silently, a moment longer. I got slowly to my feet, careful not to make very much noise.

Gojyo followed suit.

Simultaneously, we moved a step closer to one another, preparing for a fight.

"It seems to be very far away." I practically whispered, still watching the sky.

He jerked his head in a tense nod.

"Let's see…from the sound of things…it seems to be coming from…" I turned to look back at Reina's village.

There was a small speck in the distance, moving steadily toward our location, and it didn't appear to be very high up.

"What is that?" Gojyo wondered out loud.

"Um…"

"Um what?"

"You don't suppose it could be…?"

He and I locked gazes.

"All I mean is, we ought to be ready for anything."

"I'm always ready for anything." He grinned.

"Yes, that may be partially true…"

Together, we began to make our way back toward the village, moving with a wary level of speed, and the speck in the distance came progressively closer. Before too long, I could make a bit more sense of it.

Long wings—perhaps a twelve-foot wing span all together. The body was small in comparison, and round. I could see that whatever it was, it had two legs and two arms. In fact, the closer it got, the more humanoid it looked.

"It's some sort of youkai, I expect." I told him, calmly.

"Then that means…"

"Ready for anything, remember?"

Gojyo broke into a jog.

I was right behind him.

In a matter of minutes, we were back in the center of the town. A group of the children were gathered there, staring up at the sky and whispering to each other, their eyes wide and frightened. We stepped past them, pushing some to the side, gently, made our way to the head of the crowd, where Reina was standing, four or five children holding tightly to her skirt.

She didn't so much as look at us when we approached, and I saw that she had her spear and her dagger again. "It's Hagolgi." She told us simply, voice twice as stony as it had been when she first spoke to us—she sounded like a completely different woman from the one who had been flirting with Gojyo and inviting us to lunch. Her knuckles were white as she grasped the shaft of the spear.

"Were you…expecting him today?"

Reina shook her head tensely. "I'm always expecting him, and yet…I never am." She nudged at Yuuki who was standing close to her. "Take everyone to the sanctuary. Now."

"I want to help you fight, Kaa-san."

"Now." She repeated, inflection unaltered.

Yuuki stayed where he was, looking at her stubbornly.

"Better do what Kaa-san says, little man." Gojyo put his hand on Yuuki's shoulder.

Yuuki shoved him off, viciously, "Who do you think you are? You think _you're _going to fight him? This village isn't yours to protect!"

"Yeah. But I ain't some diaper-sportin' punk who hasn't grown into his dick yet either."

"He's right, Gojyo." Reina interrupted. "This isn't any of your business."

"I'm makin' it my business."

At last, she tore her eyes off the approaching shape of Hagolgi to glare right at him, voice scathing, "I didn't ask for your help, boy."

He stared back at her, not saying anything.

I touched his arm, and he shrugged at me.

"Yuuki." Reina looked back at the sky, "Go now. Find Hui and take the little ones to the sanctuary."

"Kaa-san, no! Last time you fought him-"

She gave him a single look, fierce and unflinching, and he reeled back a bit, mumbling almost immediately, but with anger and sulky disapproval, "Yes, Kaa-san."

With that, he scooped up the child closest to him, took another by the hand, and began to herd the others away.

"What is this sanctuary?" I asked, when they had gone.

"A basement on the other side of the town. I send the children there when _he_ comes, hoping they'll be safe. Still…"

"If he kills you he's gonna' knock this whole place down and find 'em anyway." Gojyo said bluntly.

"That's the risk. There's nothing else I can do."

"You could…go with 'em." Gojyo suggested, softly. He was standing close to her.

She didn't answer for a long time, and then she finally said, "I'm not a coward, Gojyo, and to two youkai, I'm sure I look like a weakling, but that doesn't change the facts: I'm in charge of this village, I've taken the responsibility of looking after these kids, and it's my job to defend this place and everything in it."

Without so much as another word, she stepped away, going forward to meet him.

Hagolgi was flying in a low circle, around and around the town.

Gojyo grumbled, "Stupid, stubborn…"

"She's right." I informed him. "This is not our fight."

"Yeah, but-"

"She's driven him away before. It's likely this confrontation will end similarly, so I suggest we stand back and allow her to keep her pride intact."

From the look on his face, I could see there was nothing he wanted less. He wanted to interfere. He wanted to protect her.

"Goodness." I chuckled. "Shall we get you a white stallion and a suit of medieval armor?"

"Shaddup."

Reina was on the other side of the market now, standing firmly with her weapon, and Hagolgi had landed on the building in front of her. He was a tall man, approximately eight foot even, but he was built like a pot-belly stove, with a rounded gut, squat legs, long dangling arms, and a head that seemed too small for his body. I saw that he had one eye, like a Cyclops, two curving horns on his head, and his wings did resemble those of either a dragon or a bat. He was dressed primitively, in ragged, gray shorts.

"Whoo, hot damn, that thing is _ug-ly._"

"He isn't armed, I don't think, but can you sense his chi?"

"Yeah. He's a tough bastard, huh?"

Reina and the demon were exchanging words now. She warned him to leave and said that this time she wouldn't go easy on him.

He replied lazily that this would be the last time they would fight.

Reina gripped her spear tightly.

In a flash, she was running, full-tilt, toward the building he'd chosen to sit on. She scrambled up the side of it, springing atop a stack of old crates, leaping onto an awning, and finding a handhold. She practically flew to the roof, and then they were face-to-face, mere inches apart, but only for a second.

Reina stabbed at him with her spear, and Hagolgi launched off the roof with a single flap of his wings, the air current blowing Reina's hair and skirt back. He was out of range in an easy movement, and then he was driving at her, attacking with his claws.

Beside me, I saw Gojyo catch his breath and hold it.

Regardless, Reina seemed perfectly capable of defending herself. Her movements were lightning-quick, catching Hagolgi's blows one after another, pushing them off effortlessly.

"Worrying doesn't much suit you." I told Gojyo, languidly.

"She's just a human, Hakkai."

"Don't you mean, she's just a _woman_?"

"I mean what I said." He grumped.

"No. Race doesn't matter to you. Sex does."

"That's…True." He relented, shoulders slumping a little.

In spite of his concern, Reina was doing well, I thought. The two of them were all over the roof, going at it relentlessly, watching carefully for any openings in the others' defenses, and they seemed evenly matched. Neither had been injured so far. I watched Reina spring back and swipe at him with her spear. Hagolgi ducked under the sharpened point.

"When you are dead, I'll devour them all. Do you understand, little human? It's just a matter of time!"

"Suck my _spear_, Hagolgi!"

Roaring, Hagolgi sprang at her, wings tilted back.

Reina danced away from him, twisted around gracefully, and ran, leaping onto the next roof, and then over to the next. She stabbed her spear into a tall, brick chimney, vaulting up on top of it, and then spun again, jumping right at Hagolgi. She landed on his shoulders, stabbing down into one of them with her dagger, and I saw a bright squirt of blood.

"Good one." Gojyo muttered.

Growling all the more fiercely, Hagolgi reached up, trying to sweep her off with one of his long, beefy arms, but she held on tightly. He barrel-rolled at the roof, diving quickly at the ground and swooping up again at the last second. She managed to stab him again. They slammed on the rooftop harshly, shingles flying everywhere as they rolled across the surface, shouting and cursing. Reina screamed piercingly. I saw the knife go clattering out of her grip, and when the rolling was over, Hagolgi was on top of her, struggling to pin her, gnashing his long, yellow teeth. It would be easy for him to overpower her in that position, but Reina always managed to squirm out of his grip, groping around for her knife, holding him back with the spear. It was impressive that she could do so much at once.

"She's quite skilled." I remarked.

"Shit." Gojyo swore under his breath. "Shit…"

"Well, she-"

Someone shoved past me roughly, jostling me with their shoulder.

I almost commented on their rudeness, before I noticed that it was Yuuki, rushing past me in a blur.

"Hey!" Gojyo yelled at him.

"That certainly isn't good."

Yuuki climbed to the rooftops before we could stop him, considerably sloppier and slower than Reina had; he was several buildings away from the fray, but I saw that he had a small, hand-made slingshot, already loaded, and as he stretched the band back, he cried, "Get away from her!"

In the blink of an eye, he'd fired three smooth, round stones—his reload time was impeccable—they rained down on Hagolgi's head, but every one of them missed the bloodshot eye in the middle of Hagolgi's brow, which, I assumed, was his target.

"Reload time, excellent. Accuracy…well, there's room for improvement."

"Maybe not _time_ for improvement though."

Never the less, the shots served their purpose. Hagolgi looked up, blinking angrily. "Ahhhh…one of the little ones you care so deeply for…"

"Yuuki…" Reina choked. I saw that she was bleeding from the mouth and the arm. "Get out of here!"

"No, Kaa-san! I'm not going to let you do this by yourself anymore!"

"He's enough…" Hagolgi mused slowly. "He's bigger than the others. On his own, I think he'd make a fine meal."

"Don't-"

He sprang up again, with a single beat of his wings, shooting straight up into the sky.

Reina scrambled to rise as well, and I saw that she was sagging a bit, bleeding more than I thought. "Yuuki! Run!"

Yuuki stood his ground, slingshot aimed at the sky, teeth gritted.

"Hakkai…shouldn't we…?"

I didn't answer—we were too far away to act now.

I watched Hagolgi spiral down from the sky again, going right for the boy. The stones bounced of his shoulders and head, ineffectively.

"Fuck!" Yuuki shouted, lowering his weapon to run, but Hagolgi was already upon him, long arms reaching out greedily, a horrible smile marring his ugly face.

Reina dove in just in time. She shoved Yuuki out of the way, and he tumbled off the roof with a yelp, landing heavily in a pile of debris, while she all but threw herself into Hagolgi's arms, and he, in turn, snatched her up, sweeping back up into the air, cursing.

"You fool!" He rumbled, "You've sealed your fate, Reina! At least if I'd taken the boy you'd still be here to protect the others."

Tightly, he wrapped his arms around her, squeezing.

Reina screamed and kicked. The pain was audible in her voice. More than that, I could practically feel it myself.

"Hakkai!" Gojyo rammed me with his shoulder, "I'm going!"

"Now we should." I said, almost at the same time.

We ran forward.

Yuuki was getting up when we reached the first building, yelling for Reina.

We flew past him.

Hagolgi wound back and threw Reina, hard, apparently having every intention of smashing her against the roof.

I sprang straight up, Gojyo clawing his way up after me. I arrived a split second before him, and he lunged forward to catch her, the force of her velocity almost knocking him over, and he had to fight to stay upright. She hung limply in his arms, evidently unconscious.

We stood shoulder to shoulder.

Hagolgi hovered in the air for a stunned moment, blinking at us in disbelief. "Men? Since when are there _men_ living in this village?"

Gojyo laid Reina down lightly. "Since now."

"However, don't expect to be let off the hook so easily." I warned him with a smile. "We won't let you run away."

"Hmph. Pitiable, little human. Hagolgi doesn't run from any _man_. I rule this valley, and all who reside here are my slaves! I am the mightiest demon in these mountains, and I won't take any pity on you…"

I took the time he was wasting on gloating to talk logistics with Gojyo. "Be mindful of his wings. I'm afraid his ability to fly puts him at a huge advantage, however, I'm confident that we're stronger than he is, so if we can force him to play in our terrain rather than in his own, this should be fairly simple."

"How do we do that?" Gojyo sounded angry. I knew he was going to do whatever he had to do.

"Oh, I don't think it will be difficult. He's brash and impatient, from what I've seen, so I expect he'll be all too eager to move offensively, particularly considering that he believes we're humans, easy to dispose of."

"Right. So let's get this started."

I slanted a stern glance at him, "He's not the only one here who's demonstrated traits of impatience and brashness. Take care not to let your outrage over what happened to her impair your judgment, Gojyo. He may be weaker than us, but as I already said, he has a huge advantage, and any slight mistake-"

"Got it. Let's go."

"Are you _listening_ to me, Gojyo?"

"I hear ya, I hear ya."

"Humans!" Hagolgi boomed, "Don't ignore the mighty Hagolgi!"

"Oh, we weren't meaning to." I assured him, "We were merely waiting for you to say something worth paying attention to."

That was all it took to infuriate him, and he dove at us with another roar.

I nudged Gojyo roughly, "Remember what I said."

"Yeah, yeah. I know."

Hagolgi came at us, taking a swipe with his claws in an attempt to take my head clean off my shoulders as he soared over us.

We ducked down, easily evading the attack, and he had to sweep around, banking hard to his right to come back for us. This time, we split up, and he flew right between us; I felt the tip of his wing brush against my shirt.

"In any case, we might be able to keep this up long enough to tire him out."

"That ain't good enough for me."

"Now see? This is exactly what I was referring to. You're all upset about what happened to Reina, and rather than letting the battle take its due course, you're going to do something stupid."

Hagolgi tried to snatch Gojyo up off the ground, so he had to hesitate to dodge out of the way, but when he was clear again, he shot back, "Quit with the lectures—I'm just as freakin' old as you are."

"I am exactly one month and nineteen days older than you are." I teased.

"Oooo. Big diff. Well, I got a tiny attention span, and I get bored." He jumped directly into Hagolgi's path—an absurd attempt at making his life more interesting, and much, much shorter—challenging him head-on.

"Stupid…" I muttered to myself.

At any rate, Hagolgi wasn't expecting it, and he veered suddenly to the left, blundering toward me without realizing it.

I ran at him.

Hagolgi must have decided I was less intimidating, because he met my challenge, continuing to fly at me, laughing and gnashing his teeth.

I waited until the last possible moment before springing into the air once again, delivered a snap-kick to the center of his face, smashing his nose under the sole of my shoe.

Howling, Hagolgi reeled back and fell hard, slamming into the roof and sliding several yards, tearing up more shingles.

"Ha!" Gojyo rushed him, gave him a subsequent spin kick in the jaw, just as Hagolgi was sitting up. I saw a handful of two-inch-long, yellow teeth fly from his mouth, and he collapsed again.

Gojyo was all over him, beating relentlessly in a storm of punches and kicks, but it was short-lived.

With a growl, Hagolgi heaved himself onto his hands and knees, throwing Gojyo off with a single swing of his long, gorilla-like arm.

"Woah!"

Gojyo landed flat on his back.

Hagolgi came down on top of him, blinking and snarling and snapping his teeth, trying to tear his chest open with nothing but his fangs.

Shouting, Gojyo slammed the heel of his hand into Hagolgi's chin, shutting the monster's mouth with a loud crack, and then he scrambled away and got on his feet again, just as I was running past him.

Before Hagolgi could even consider recovering, I was elbow-striking him in the side of the head, and he was flopping over once more. Moaning and swearing, he struggled to compose himself. His wingspan opened wide, and we each had to duck under one sharp, bony wing.

He managed to get to his feet, and then lumbered toward the edge of the roof, sprang off and soared to the next one, continuing to limp away.

"After him!" I cried, giving chase.

The two of us sprinted after him, running as quickly as we could. I propelled myself off the edge of the roof and landed on the next one. Gojyo landed a step ahead of me, long hair flying back.

By then, Hagolgi was jumping to the next roof. I could see that he was trying to get into the air, but we must have discombobulated him so badly that he couldn't quite gather himself enough to do so. It was just the opportunity we needed.

Pushing myself to run a bit faster, I passed Gojyo and soared over the next gap between roofs.

Gojyo weaved his way around a chimney.

The next building had a second story with a balcony.

Hagolgi managed to get the air to drift over it, his long, ragged toenails dragging along the shingles.

"Up!" I called.

"No way." Gojyo snorted. Then he practically ran up the side of the wall, crouched on top of the building for a split second before lunging forward again.

I swung myself onto the balcony, plowed through the empty, dark room it led to, busted through a window. For a second, I was falling, and then I caught the edge of the next building, pushed myself up with a single thrust of my arm, and was on the roof again.

Gojyo landed on Hagolgi's back, and they both tumbled to the ground, directly in front of me, went rolling in a cloud of limbs and wings and red hair. Hagolgi was snarling like an animal.

I thought it was a somewhat careless move, considering that it was exactly what had gotten Reina in trouble, but I didn't have time to scold him over it.

Hagolgi sat astride Gojyo for a moment. I could see from his body language that he would have loved to tear him to ribbons, but then he looked off his shoulder, that one eye staring straight back at me, brimming with uncertainty. I didn't know if he had sensed that I was the stronger of the two of us, or if he simply didn't like dealing with more than one capable adversary, but regardless of his reasoning, he got off Gojyo without laying so much as a finger on him, and continued to hobble away, flapping his wings swiftly as he tried to launch into the sky.

Gojyo rolled to his feet at once, and we were running side by side.

Rather than commenting on his reckless maneuvers, I said, "If he makes it out of town, we'll lose him—we won't be able to keep up once he takes to the cliffs."

We were rapidly approaching the last building on the block.

"Whatdya' wanna' do?" Gojyo huffed.

"Oh. _Now_ you want to hear what I have to say?"

"Dude, we're running out of time."

"Well, it's fairly obvious what we should do, I think; we simply have to use the advantage we have."

"What advantage? You said _he_ had the advantage because he's in the air."

"I said he has _an_ advantage, not the only one. There are two of us, Gojyo."

He contemplated that for a second before answering. "Got it."

At once, I broke off from him, jumped across to the building parallel to the one we were currently on. The distance was a bit further than the others had been, and consequently, my landing was harder; I lost my footing, which cost me a precious instant of time, sprang up and ran that much faster.

Using my top speed, it wasn't long before I was running flush with Hagolgi, and fortunately, Gojyo was shouting loudly enough and making enough threats at the top of his voice, that Hagolgi was too distracted to realize I was across from him now. I sprang over chasms and vaulted over obstacles, wove around anything in my way, and by the time I was on the second to last roof, I had overtaken Hagolgi completely, and Gojyo was right on his tail, just out of arm's reach, still carrying on like a madman.

With a faint smile to myself, I pulled ahead, jumped across onto the last roof on the block, cut across to spring over, right into Hagolgi's path.

Hagolgi let loose a startled cry, flapped his wings hard in an effort to fly over me, but he wasn't quick enough, and Gojyo sprang on him, knocking him to the ground with a firm kick.

Hagolgi landed in a tangled mess of limbs and still-beating wings, snarling and struggling to right himself, took a swipe at Gojyo, but he ducked out of the way just in time, backing away to stand with me. "End of the line, sucker."

"Yes." I readied myself for the next phase of the battle. "Perhaps now you'll learn not to antagonize women and children."

"Right? No honor in that shit, asshole."

The demon heaved himself onto his feet, dragging his nails along the roof. "Pathetic, little creatures. Do you honestly think you've won?"

"In time." I assured him. "As I said, we will not let you off easy—what you did today was unacceptable."

"Fools." He spat, spreading his wings wide. "Hagolgi will fight until his last breath—you're worthy adversaries, I must admit, but if I'm to die today, I will not go down alone. I'll take at least one of you with me."

While he was monologuing, I stepped up to Gojyo, all but whispering, "We'll have to take him down quickly, or he'll escape."

Gojyo smirked, "Not a problem." With that, he rushed Hagolgi, taking a swing at the beast's considerable stomach.

I stood back a moment, watching as they went head-to-head, circling around one another and trading blow for blow; I noticed that Hagolgi was favoring his left leg, and that he seemed slightly unsteady. We had weakened him a considerable amount already, and therefore, I assumed, we'd have this finished in no time.

With a faintly satisfied smile, I moved forward to join my partner, leapt up to give him a skull-smashing kick to the center of the forehead, and he staggered back, grasping at his single eye.

Gojyo shifted around behind him, attacked with a flawless elbow-strike, directly to the kidney.

I took the opportunity to attack again, knowing that our best strategy now was to act relentlessly so that he wouldn't have a chance to escape or strike back. I punched him twice—once in the chest, and again in the stomach.

He lurched forward, coughing and clawing blindly at the air, nails scraping my cheek just enough to draw some blood.

Gojyo rammed him with his shoulder, knocking him off balance, and I played off the move, beating him down for the final time.

Hagolgi writhed on the ground and cursed us.

We stood over him. I wiped blood from my chin, and Gojyo rolled his shoulder, as if the last attack might have hurt him.

"Well, well, well. Looks like it's all over."

"I hope you don't bear us any ill-feelings, Mister Hagolgi, but I'm afraid you leave us no choice but to terminate you. We can't risk you coming back once we've left."

Hagolgi opened his eye to glare at me, blinking in an agitated manner, and I saw that the eyeball was a bit enflamed.

Still, he knew he'd lost, and I had to give him credit for dying like a man. He never once begged to be spared, and he even fought back a bit. In the end though, we overpowered him, and crushed him, quickly.

As we climbed back down to the ground level, I considered that Hagolgi might not have deserved a quick, painless death, but in the face of everything, it was for the best that we'd executed him in a concise manner. It didn't leave room for error, and besides, we'd be doing much more fighting tomorrow when we completed our mission for Sanzo.

We walked back across the town, saying very little; Gojyo nudged me with his shoulder once, already smoking again, and said, "Nice moves, partner."

"You as well. At least this provided a sufficient warm-up for us, don't you think?"

"When we get home, I'm gonna' sit on the couch for a week—this whole trip has been nothing but exercise."

"As if you need an excuse to do nothing."

He just grinned at me.

Back in the square, Reina was standing again, looking pale and worn, all the children gathered around her; Yuuki was supporting her, and the little ones were clinging to her clothes. All of them were staring at us with wide, disbelieving eyes, and wondrous expressions. Some of the smaller children were whispering to one another, but for the most part, there was unadulterated silence.

I stopped a few yards away from them, thinking we may have frightened them with our display of awesome strength, and Gojyo halted beside me, reluctantly.

The silence deepened.

"Are you all right?" Gojyo asked Reina, eventually, in a hushed, somewhat tender voice.

She hesitated, then nodded slowly. "Yes. A little bruising, but I think I'll be fine. What about the two of you?"

"I believe we're all right." I spoke up. "Nothing we're not used to."

She tilted her head, ever so slightly, giving me a long, curious look. "You two…you're…unusual."

Gojyo chuckled, "Hey, 'Kai. Hear that? We're not normal."

"How unexpected. Well…at any rate, Hagolgi is dead now, so I think all of you should be able to live as you please, either here, or in another town, perhaps."

Reina stared at us a long time, and I wondered if she was unhappy with our interference, and then she murmured, "I'm sorry… I don't know what to say. I don't know how to thank you for what you've done." She bowed suddenly, "We're in your debt. All of us. Especially me."

"Oh, not at all. We acted as any decent men would, I'm sure."

"Please. You saved my life today, and you brought these children peace and hope. Allow us to honor you."

The children followed her example, each of them bowing as well, a bit out of sync. One by one, twenty tiny voices murmured, 'Thank-you. Thank-you'.

"Hey, it's all good." Gojyo grinned. "Not a big deal, really."

"If you won't let us honor you." Reina went on seriously, "then at least let us thank-you by giving you what we have."

"We wouldn't think of it." I smiled at her. "A bed for the night will be more than sufficient as a token of gratitude."

Reina laughed, flashing that beautiful, gracious smile. "Of course. I'll tend to your wounds and show you where you can rest. And if a little celebration slips in somewhere in the middle, who's to say if it has to do with Hagolgi being dead or not."

A bit of celebration _did_ slip in. Reina saw to our injuries, though they were few and quite mild, and then I saw to hers, and by the time that was all finished, dinner had been prepared. The village had little to offer, but Hui organized some of the children, and together they roasted some meat and set up a large table in the town square, which they garnished with a slightly dirty, stained table cloth, and set with fruit and wine and freshly-baked bread. It seemed that they produced the best of what their ruined town had to offer, and then, we all sat down together, and ate, and I could feel that the mood in the children, and even in the town itself, had changed. After all, the children I'd played kankeri with earlier in the day had been content and optimistic, but their eyes had been almost constantly lifted to the sky, full of uncertainty and worry. Now they were jovial, lighthearted, and hopeful, their laughing voices ringing through the empty streets of their decimated home as if everything would truly be okay, and I felt satisfied that I had been able to play a part in that change. It reminded me that, no matter what I'd lost, and regardless of how dark I could feel at times, I was still able to do some good in this world.

When it got darker, Gojyo and I helped build a bonfire, and the children ran and danced and played around it, singing and shouting happily. Someone even found an old radio that still functioned, and there was music. It was a strange, scene, something almost post apocalyptic, and it gave me the feeling one might experience at finding a small, budding flower beneath the ash of a forest fire. I sat back and breathed in deeply the warmth and the smoke and bliss around me, and I thought I felt something changing in myself as well, as if a wall of ice were melting within my chest.

I watched as Gojyo danced and flirted Reina in front of the fire, and she seemed incandescently happy, so much in fact, that I considered informing her outright that he would be leaving this place tomorrow, and likely never looking back, just in case she hadn't considered that herself.

By the time they snuck off into the dark together though, I realized it didn't really matter, because in the end, happiness and love were fleeting, just as anything else in this world was, and there was no reason to disrupt or discourage it, and when they walked off together, hand in hand, I sat back and looked up at the stars, and smiled to myself, because I couldn't shake the feeling that we'd done something genuinely good today, and that was a fresh experience for both of us, I thought, and regardless of how the mission turned out tomorrow, coming here had turned out to be worth it.

_Because as long as we're alive, we have the power to make changes in our lives._

That was the gist of what Sanzo had told us, and at the time, they had been but words—brimming with potential for hope, but words none the less—and they had been what I needed to keep living my life, but today, I felt as if I'd seen what he'd been referring to with my own eyes. I wondered if Gojyo had seen it as well, and how long it would take both of us to honestly accept such a thing, and be all right with ourselves and our circumstances.

_Sanzo is truly wise beyond his years._

I wondered what types of encounters he'd had to endure in order to learn such weighty, difficult things, or if he'd been endowed with that wisdom when he was born. Either way, I felt inexpressibly fortunate to have met him and to continue to have him in my life. Perhaps, as time went on, I'd be given more and more opportunities to learn from him.

That night, the children led me by the hand to a tall building near the center of the town. It had a towering, sharp steeple, set with a round window that may have been stained glass once, and its white, wooden exterior was grayish and scarred. The little girl holding my right hand whispered, "This was the church, once."

"How suiting." I murmured, gazing up at the steeple, wondering if I'd somehow walked into one of my own memories.

Inside, many of the pews had been destroyed or removed, leaving a wide open room, at the head of which, a number of blankets, pillows, cushions and sleeping bags had been laid out, beneath the feet of the statue.

"What became of the church members?" I asked, more to myself than to the children.

Hui answered—she'd been gazing at me strangely all night—"When the marauders came, they were some of the first to die, because they wouldn't fight, but they wouldn't abandon us either."

"I see."

I thought of the orphanage I'd been raised in, and the nuns who'd looked after me. It seemed like something they would do as well: too benevolent to kill and too courageous to flee. During my own childhood, I had assumed they behaved that way in order to keep up appearances, but Kanan had helped me realize that sometimes benevolence and courage could be genuine. These days, I still saw proof of that in the actions of Gojyo, Sanzo and Goku.

I laid down on the makeshift bed there, with the statue towering over me, and I saw that there was a large hole in the roof, where the stars could be seen, shining through, white and beautiful, and I thought of God. I still couldn't say with any certainty if he existed or not, but there were other things around me to believe in.

Some of the children crowded in around me. The girl who'd been holding my hand snuggled against my shoulder and fell asleep with her thumb in her mouth. I wondered if this was the only place to sleep, or if it was just the place where they felt the safest.

I hadn't been there long enough to so much as doze off before I felt someone else settling in on the other side of me, opened my eyes to see Gojyo—no more than a familiar silhouette with a cigarette—lying down as well. Reina curled up against him, head pillowed on his chest, and more children clustered in, draping themselves over her waist, hips and shoulders.

My room mate turned to flash me a grin, barely visible in the starlight. "'Sup?"

"I didn't expect to see you here."

"I guess this is the best sleeping space in town."

Reina murmured against his neck, "It's the only one, silly. If we don't sleep here, we all have to sleep by ourselves."

"And there's safety in numbers." I agreed, thinking that, to them, after living in fear for so long, it might seem like the danger hadn't fully dissipated yet, and it might take them some time to realize that.

"Anyway." Gojyo tilted his head so it rested against mine, "'Night."

I laid awake a while, listening to the deep, rhythmic breathing around me, and feeling the warmth of their bodies close to mine.

_I suppose some day I could. Some day, I could have this, and share it with someone._

It was the first time I'd even considered moving on, toward a wife and children, without Kanan, and it felt almost wrong to me to even think such a thing, but I let the thought settle.

As I gazed up again at the kind face of the statue and the stars beyond it, with the sleeping orphans around me, I felt suddenly as if I were home.

In the morning, we got an early start, ate a bit of food from the ration pack, and then the children gathered around to see us off.

"We'll never forget what you did here." Hui said, reverently, gazing starry-eyed at me.

None of the other children spoke, but from their happy, admiring expressions, I could see that even the youngest of them understood what we had saved them from, and they were all grateful.

I gave them all a smile, "Think nothing of it, and enjoy your lives."

"Thank-you again. From the bottom of our hearts." Reina repeated. She was holding onto Gojyo's hand, and the closeness I could sense between them told me they had shared something intimate, at some point, although I assumed it had been before they'd come to bed down in the church. She looked him in the eyes, "Thank-you."

He gave her the typical, frivolous grin, "My pleasure, babe."

"Our pleasure." I amended casually. "At any rate, we really must be on our way now—no doubt there are other villages in need of our assistance."

A little boy near the front of the group asked, "Are you super heroes, Hakkai-san?"

Laughing lightly, I patted him on the head, "Well. Perhaps. Something like that, I suppose. At any rate, come along, Gojyo. We haven't a moment to lose."

He grumbled at me, "Oh, now you're going to get all pushy about time."

Reina held on to him a second longer, a look of vague yearning in her face, glanced between us, "Will we ever see you again?"  
>"Hard to say with us." Gojyo said, much too flippantly. "Remember me though, 'kay? 'Cause I'm definitely gonna' remember you."<p>

Reina blushed, ever so slightly, and then she reached up to untie her hair ribbon, "In case you have trouble with that…" She said, pressing it into his hand.

He just grinned at her a while longer, "I won't." Then he turned to tousle Yuuki's hair, "Take care of Kaa-san, little man. And look before you leap next time, huh?"

I couldn't quite conceal a snicker and hearing him offer such adultish advice.

He must have known what I was thinking, because he stuck his tongue out at me. Normally, he would have given me the finger, I thought.

Hui stepped up to me suddenly, confidently, but with an air of nervousness; "I…I made you some lunch, Hakkai-san…for the road. Please accept it." She held up a small, leather parcel, wrapped with twine, but her gaze stayed cast to the ground, and her face was flushed.

It was so unexpected, I wasn't sure what to say for a moment, and then I smiled, "Oh, of course. Thank-you very much." And I took it.

"I-I'm so grateful for what you did. We all are. I wish…I could get to know you better."

I didn't quite know how to respond to that either, seeing how it was impossible for me to return any affections to a girl I hardly knew, particularly one so much younger than I was, but then, I assumed Hui knew that as well, since she'd kept a respectful distance from me the previous night.

She went on, almost in a whisper, "Some day, I hope I can find a man who's as strong and brave and kind as you."

The words brought a smile to my lips, and I even went so far as to touch her chin, lifting her face to look her in the eyes, "I'm sure you will. If you keep searching, and never give up hope, you can find everything you need in this world."

The way she stared at me, with her lips trembling, told me just how smitten she was.

I turned away a bit hastily, not wishing to toy with her heart in any way, and said to them all, "We'd better be leaving now. We wish you the best of luck."

They all returned their goodbyes, with combined cheer and solemnity; Reina leaned forward to give Gojyo a single kiss, and then she hesitated to whisper something in his ear. Whatever it was made him grin. They let go of each other.

With waves and well-wishing over our shoulders, we both turned and walked out of town. Reina and the children lined up on the outskirts of town to stand and see us off. She held a child in her arms, and again I was struck by how pretty and strong she looked, especially in the fresh, morning sunlight.

I felt a pang of regret at walking away from a place that was so beautiful and profound.

When we'd gone far enough to be out of earshot, I turned to Gojyo, "I take it you got your chance to sleep with her."

"What makes ya' ask that?"

"You didn't have any qualms about leaving her." I replied honestly.

He shrugged, unbothered, and his tone was flippant, "Yeah. I got some."

I pondered a moment, whether or not I should comment on that attitude. I did think it irresponsible of him, engaging so freely in sexual relations with women he'd never see again, and I wholeheartedly disapproved of the way he could string a woman along, knowing full-well he'd never see her again, without so much as a shred of shame or guilt. Still, this didn't seem to be the right time to scold him for it.

I tucked the lunch Hui had made me into the rucksack I had.

"You made a fan too, huh?"

"Quite unintentionally, though, I suppose it's just that I'm incredibly charming."

Gojyo smirked at me, "We should do this more often."

"Beg your pardon?"

"Run around and save kids and chicks—we'd get all kinds of action."

I frowned at him, and I couldn't quite keep the aversion out of my voice, "I think I would find it emotionally taxing, being with so many women and never truly feeling anything for any of them."

"You're just too sensitive."

That annoyed me a bit, and I began to tell him just how _in_sensitive he could be, but stopped when I saw the look on his face.

He had Reina's hair ribbon in his hand, and he was regarding it with a strange manner of vague tenderness and appreciation I didn't often see in his eyes, though, I didn't doubt he wouldn't want me to see it and recognize it for what it was. After a few seconds, he shoved it into his pocket and looked down the road again, expression returning to a mask of carelessness, but for that moment, I had seen the truth of his sentiments.

I struggled to understand.

Perhaps he behaved the way he did, not just because he could, as I'd often suspected, but also because that's what he'd decided he was worth, and because, somehow, it made him feel as if he had some value after all. His self-esteem issues were deep-seeded and well-hidden, but I knew they were there. I had suspected that his irresponsible sexual behavior had something to do with it all, but upon that morning, something fresh occurred to me.

Maybe Gojyo found something in his intimate encounters, something a man such as myself wasn't even aware of the existence of. It could be that in the moments he shared with varying women, whether he'd find them again or not, he found something that was directly between love and meaningless sex, some sort of affection and value that gave him security. In other words, maybe it wasn't all entirely insignificant to him.

After all… I thought of the way he'd acted toward Reina, with concern and gentleness and that desire to protect. In some way or another, he did care.

My words slipped out, indiscriminately, "You're somewhat sensitive yourself."

"Whatever. I'm a total man's man."

"I don't think it's impossible to be both."

He shrugged without looking at me.

I glanced back at the village; it was in the distance now, but I could still see it clearly, and I could make out the steeple of the church where we'd spent the night. "It's rather a shame to have to leave."

"That place… it's was sorta' weird. All those kids, living together without parents…all in the same shitty boat. It almost feels like it wasn't real." He stopped suddenly, looking back as well, like he expected to find it gone. "The whole time we were there, I thought it was nice for them…not being totally alone."

I hesitated too, somewhat surprised at his unguarded statement and its evident connection to his own childhood.

"Those're some lucky kids."

That was odd. I had never thought of orphans as being lucky before, but…he was right, and the more I considered it, the more I thought that maybe I had been lucky as well. Just having a roof over my head and food to eat was a great stroke of luck.

_Yet I spent so much of my childhood being selfish and unkind._

I can make up for that, can't I?

We stood next to each other for a long while. Gojyo's face betrayed longing and jealousy. I wondered if my expression looked the same way.

"We're not alone anymore." I said, eventually. They were the same words Kanan had spoken to me, shortly before we'd moved into our house together, and they had meant so much to me at the time. They had hurt so deeply after I lost her, when I felt that I'd be alone forever after that.

Gojyo came to life again at that, grinned at me. "You're right." He hooked his arm around my neck, and we walked on together, and some how, in that, the feeling of being at home came back to me once more.


	19. Chapter 19

**Indifference**

I tramped after him in the rain, just a couple steps behind; he was mumbling and bitching, but I wasn't listening to whatever he had to say, since I was busy listening for something else. It was hard to hear much over the sound of the downpour, and it took all my focus to listen. I didn't have time to hear him out. As I walked, I balanced my attention between making sure I didn't trip over some log lying in the middle of my path, and the cliff above us. It was pretty tall, towering over the trees, scraping against the concrete-gray sky; it was crazy to survive a fall like that, and I checked myself over one more time to make sure I wasn't hurt, but I looked and felt okay. A little bruised, maybe, but that was nothing.

I called out to him, "Hey, you sure you're okay, man?" After all, he was a little more delicate than I was, by nature.

Instead of answering, Sanzo turned on me, eyes flashing, stopped right in his tracks so I almost ran into him, and snapped, "Shut your mouth, you idiot."

"Oy, I'm just making sure you ain't-"

"Those bastards are still sneaking around here somewhere, you know—there's no way we lost them by just falling over the side of the ridge—and you're going to give away our position by yelling like that. So. Shut up."

"I wasn't yelling." I growled, but he ignored me and kept going, and I couldn't help noticing that he was limping.

Oh well, it wasn't my problem, and if he was going to be a dick, why should I care if he got hurt or not?

I took a puff off my cigarette and kept walking, sort of surprised it was still lit. The rain was coming down really heavy, and it wasn't showing any signs of stopping or even slowing down; my cigarette was getting pretty wet, but it hadn't gone out or broken in half yet. Guess I should be grateful for that. Everything else about this situation sucked dick.

We'd been walking for a long time now—two hours, if I had to guess—and we still hadn't come to a place where we might be able to climb back up the cliff. It was smooth as a piece of glass, and it was ridiculously tall. I let some rain water drip off a leaf and into my mouth, knowing it would never be enough to quench my thirst completely, and then sloshed through a puddle, catching up to Sanzo easily. He was such a short, little guy. Maybe that's where all the attitude came from—compensating or something.

"Would you keep up?" He sniffed, "You're worse than a five-year-old, getting distracted every two seconds."

"Right, and _you're_ so mature, busting my balls over every little thing."

"Someone has to stay on task. Obviously it's not you."

"_Obviously_." I sneered, and then I let it go. I didn't feel like fighting with him right now, and I couldn't figure out what he was so pissed about. He seemed even pissier than usual.

"Where do you think those guys are?" I asked after a little while.

"Use your head. Where's the last place you saw them?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Unlike you, Hakkai isn't stupid; he wouldn't have jumped off after us, and he would have kept Goku from doing it. So where do you _think_ they are?"

That was true anyway. Hakkai wasn't stupid. Still, I thought it wasn't completely impossible for him to jump off after us, even though he probably wouldn't. If there was one thing I'd seen about Hakkai in the last two years, it was that he was completely crazy. Seriously, out of his mind. He'd go on and on about strategy, and looking before you leaped, and being careful, and then he'd take some insane risk out of nowhere, just because he felt like it. I figured, if he thought he could do anything for us at all by jumping off that cliff, he'd do it.

I decided not to argue the banal though. Hakkai definitely didn't jump off that cliff today, or we would have seen him by now. We'd been looking for a way up forever.

The frustrating part was that we were so close to home—Keiun temple was just over the top of the ridge, and home was just an hour down from there. If we could just get back up, I could just go home, dry off, drink a beer and go to bed.

"Hey, why don't your monks just come throw us a rope or something." I grinned at him. "That'd make this so much easier."

Sanzo's expression didn't so much as mellow in the face of my winning smile. "It amazes me on a daily basis just how idiotic you really are. If those good-for-nothings back at the temple even _knew_ I was down here, they certainly wouldn't risk getting their goddamn robes wet just to help me, and even if they did, I doubt they'd extend the same courtesy to _you_."

I thought that seemed sort of ridiculous. Those baldies all idolized their precious master Sanzo. But he was right, they didn't know he was down here, and it wasn't like we could get a hold of them some how. "Geez man, I was just kidding around. What's up with you anyway?"

"You're not funny, kidding or otherwise."

"Plenty of people would disagree with you there—_you_ just got a shitty sense of humor."

Sanzo's voice rose a little, not quite to a shout, but it was definitely an angry tone, "Does this look like the time or place for a joke? I don't know what it's like inside that warped, little world of yours, kappa, but I don't think there's anything funny about this. _I_ wasn't supposed to be out in this piece of shit storm, you know. _I _should be home drinking tea and reading sutras."

"Well being a dick isn't making it better."

He turned back over his shoulder to glare at me, "If you two idiots could do something right for a change, I wouldn't be here, you got that? I can't believe it's so completely out of the question for you guys to pull off a smooth operation; I don't care how much you fuck up, I don't care if you get yourselves killed, but I _don't_ appreciate you dragging _me_ into your mess."

"_Our_ mess? Excuse me, Master Sanzo, but we were doing _you_ a favor, so it isn't _our _mess in the first place."

"Hn. This is the last time I trust you peons with something important like this."

"Oh, I should be so lucky. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's not my fault you ain't home sipping tea being an old fart."

"You share the blame with Hakkai, obviously. His poor planning and your rampant stupidity got me into this."

"There was nothing wrong with Hakkai's plan." I snapped, starting to feel just a little annoyed with his attitude. "And I was just doing my thing. No one asked you to get in the way. Just because his holiness decided to come along and supervise doesn't mean _we_ fucked up."

He snarled, "Do you know how easy it would be for me to put a bullet in your head down here? I could just tell them we got separated, and they'd never know."

"Yeah, well, good luck climbing back up without me. You wouldn't wanna' screw up your nails or something, Sanzo-sama."

"God damn, I hate you. For the life of me I can't figure out why I'm constantly being punished by having to be around you."

"You're not my favorite either, sweet heart."

It seemed like the rain was picking up now, coming down that much harder, big, wet drops rolling off my hair and dripping from my chin. My clothes were totally soaked, and even my boots had water in them now. Wherever Hakkai was, he was probably in a wicked bad mood by now. He'd been a little cranky this morning, even before the rain started falling, and with the whole sky falling down on his head, he was probably ready to kill anyone who looked wrong at him. I didn't envy Goku one little bit…assuming they were together.

Still, even taking that into consideration, I'd much rather be with a pissed off, drippy Hakkai than with asshole Sanzo. Hell, I'd rather go solo with the monkey than put up with Sanzo. Just my luck, I had to wind up with the one guy who I couldn't stand. The one guy who hated my guts for absolutely nothing.

"Anyway." Why in the hell was I still talking to him? There had to be something really, really wrong with me. I checked my head to make sure I hadn't hit it during the fall. "You think they're cool?"

"Why do you keep asking me these stupid questions?"

"Makin' conversation."

He didn't say anything for a moment, and I figured he'd never answer me. He hesitated to attempt to light a cigarette, and when that didn't work out, he finally said, sounding even more annoyed than ever. "_Those_ two? You're asking me if _those two_ are okay? I can't even begin to wonder _why_ you'd ask me that. We're way worse off than they are, even if they got separated too."

I shrugged, "Guess the kid's pretty tough, huh?"

He didn't answer that at all.

"And Hakkai's completely crazy."

"Well there you go. You answered your own idiotic question for once. Congratulations."

"I'm guessing you're not gonna' gime' a gold star for it." I muttered, and the irritation was starting to get the best of me again. What part of making conversation did he not understand?

"How about a bullet with your name on it?"

"No thanks. I don't like those too much."

"Then shut your face and walk, kappa."

Hot damn, he was in a shitty mood today. Was I nuts thinking it was worse than usual? No way. Something about our situation really had him pissed. I guess it could be a combination of everything, but even then, I just felt like it wasn't a very big deal.

It seemed like no matter what I said, he took it as an excuse to bust on me some more. The smart thing to do was to just shut up and leave him alone and hope we got home soon. I decided to stop talking to him all together.

"So the kid…he's pretty bad ass, huh? I haven't seen him in action since you came to my house to get Hakkai, but he must be something, huh? Is he stronger than 'Kai is?"

"What are you babbling about now?"

"I mean, if they both took off their limiters and threw down, who would win?"

Was it just me, or did that make him a little uncomfortable? He glanced around the woods, like he expected to see somebody sneaking up on us, and then he took another stab at lighting his cigarette. At last, he said, "If I'm lucky, I'll never have to worry about that. Since you're completely _unlucky_, if you ever run into that situation, I suggest you just haul your lazy ass out of there."

"It's that big a deal?"

"With their limiters on, they seem to be evenly matched, for the most part. I still think Goku is a little bit stronger."

It was hard to imagine anybody being stronger than Hakkai was, and I wasn't sure I believed him.

"Without the limiters…who could say? I've never seen Hakkai without his. Goku, when he isn't wearing his diadem is…" He cut off, abruptly. And then he stopped walking. He tried to light his cigarette one last time, flicked the lighter over and over, hopelessly, and he seemed tense.

"Scary?" I supplied, thinking Hakkai was definitely scary without his. Still, I couldn't imagine that silly monkey brat being anywhere near as freaky as limitless Hakkai was.

"To some people."

"Not to you, huh, Papa Sanzo?"

I got a mean flash of purple eyes as he sent me another lingering death stare. This one was so intense, I actually backed off a little, raising my hands, "Hey, I-"

"Would you just quit asking questions?"

"Alright, sorry, sorry."

He glared at me a couple seconds longer, and then he turned back to his cigarette.

I watched him a while as he fucked with it. For whatever reason, it just wasn't working. "Maybe you're outta' fluid."

Sanzo shook his head, stiffly.

"Maybe your flint got wet."

No answer. Just that repetitive, defiant, stubborn click.

I sighed and shut my eyes, listening to it for a second before finally stepping up beside him. "Here." I snatched the smoke right out of his mouth, put it in my own; I lowered my head to light the cigarette under my shirt, was careful to shield it as I handed it back to him, "Tah-dah. Gotta' know the tricks, baby."

Sanzo glared at me, but he took it from me anyway.

"You…ain't been smoking too long have you?"

"It's none of your business how long I've been smoking. And don't call me baby."

I shrugged and led the way up the path. I sort of expected him to throw the smoke down just because it had been in my mouth for five seconds, so I felt sort of satisfied when he came up beside me, smoking it, couldn't quite bite back the smile, even when I knew I shouldn't let myself read into it.

"I've been smoking forever." I said randomly. "Damn. When did I start?"

"I don't care." He sniffed.

"Man, I think I was nine. Maybe eight?"

"Are you _proud_ of that?" He sneered.

I shut up for a second. Proud of it? No…I guess I really wasn't. I guess I knew it was going to send me to an early grave. I could barely remember why I started… Once, it had seemed like there was a really good reason, and now…

Now there were just a few freaky associations in my head.

_Mom and Jien are sitting on the back porch, watching the snow fall. She's smoking and laughing a little. She seems happy for once._

_Mom's crying and hitting me. She's hitting me really hard this time. She's crying so much…_

_She's smoking again. I know what they just did in her room. I'm eight, but I'm not stupid. I wish somehow…I could just be part of it all._

_The cigarettes are just lying on the table. Mom won't be up for hours. She won't notice one is gone…_

_She noticed. I think she's going to kill me for it. It feels a lot like dying, getting the shit kicked outta' me like this. If I could give it back, I would._

I noticed Sanzo looking at me weird out of the corner of his eye.

I force a quick grin at him, "Heh. What's not to be proud of? How many people can say 'I started smoking when I was nine'?"

"Not a lot. Most of them are probably too stupid to live very far past nine."

Another jab at my intelligence. Like I started smoking because I was an idiot. I was a naïve kid—I had no idea—like everything else, it wasn't my fault, and somehow, it still was. I couldn't quit now if I wanted to.

"What the hell do you know?" I snapped. "You don't know a goddamn thing about my life."

"You're right. Let's keep it that way—like I already said, I don't give a shit."

"God, you're such an asshole."

"Don't like it, then shut your yap. I'm good not talking to you for the rest of the day, you're the one who's dead set on making pointless conversation."

I folded my arms, suddenly feeling cold. "Fuck you, Sanzo."

After that, we walked a long time in silence, and the rain came down harder and harder. The cliff seemed to be getting a little shorter, but it was still too sheer to climb. Eventually, Sanzo initiated a break.

Not like he said anything to me about it, he just sort of stopped to crouch down behind this wickedly huge boulder. If I'd been in front of him, I would have kept right on walking without him, and he probably wouldn't have said a word. Such a dick.

Without a word, I went to pop a squat beside him, took the opportunity to light another cigarette.

We were there for what felt like forever, and the more time went on, the more miserable Sanzo looked. He was dripping wet, robes clinging to his body, accenting the fact that he was almost as skinny as I was—guess that's what happens when you live off a diet of boiled rice and decaffeinated tea—the white fabric was splotched with mud, and there were twice as many wrinkles between his eyebrows as usual. I wondered what his deal was. I was out in the exact same storm, just as wet and muddy and cold, and I didn't feel even a fraction as unhappy as he looked.

It sort of made me think of the way Hakkai got when it rained. Mysteriously irritated and moody. I had no idea what beef either of them had with the rain. I sort of liked rain, personally, so I'd probably never get it. So what if something horrible had happened once when it was raining? I'd had my share of shit go down in the middle of a thunderstorm, and you didn't see me falling apart every time I felt a drop of rain on my head.

For some reason, it made me feel kind of bad, thinking that stuff about them. They'd both had really horrible stuff happen to them—way worse than anything that ever happened to me—and I didn't know anything about any of it really. It wasn't any of my business, but still…Who the hell was I to pass judgment? I was the idiot who started smoking at age nine over some fucked up association game in my head.

I stared up at the sky, finally starting to feel just a little bit moody too. I muttered to myself, "Hope that smart ass is dealing with this okay."

Sanzo scoffed at me. "I'm sure being away from you is unbearable."

Obviously he had no idea what I was talking about. Maybe he didn't know Hakkai freaked out about rain too. Well, I wasn't going out of my way to explain it.

It's not like I was worried about Hakkai. I just felt sort of guilty that I wasn't there for him when it was raining like this. I didn't know how much I could really do for him, even if I was there, but I'd gotten the feeling in the past that, sometimes, depending on the situation, I actually managed to cheer him up a little. Good thing too. Depressed Hakkai was always so…

"It's sorta' weird we ain't found them yet, isn't it?" I asked.

Sanzo was staring out at the rain with that crazy frown on his face.

"I wonder if they're looking for us at all. What'dya' think?"

"Who knows?"

"Maybe they just wrapped everything up and headed back to the temple."

Sanzo shifted slightly.

"Would Goku go home without you?"

"Who knows?"

His voice didn't change at all, but something in his expression did. I didn't get the sense he'd really care if Goku went home without him—we were going to get back there too, eventually—but something else about it bothered him. It was sort of this 'who's gonna' feed my monkey while I'm gone?' look.

I took a long drag off my cigarette, trying to decide if I should get into this even a little, "Does he like living at the temple?"

"He doesn't say."

"Do the monks mind him being there?"

A long pause this time. He turned to glare at me, "What did I tell you about the questions?"

I shrugged, "Not like I care. I'm just curious."

"I have no idea what they think about that either."

That statement reeked like bullshit.

"They seem like an uptight bunch. It's supposed to be a really renowned temple, yeah? You really think they don't care if he-"

"They don't like him." He answered matter-of-factly, not even a hint of emotion in his voice, "They don't like any of you. With good reason."

I laughed lightly, "And yet you keep hanging around us."

The frown was worse. He looked really bothered.

Maybe I was stepping in something I should have left alone…

Did I really care?

"How'd he wind up living there with you anyway? Wasn't there anybody else to look after his whiny ass?"

Sanzo stood up suddenly, and I thought he was going to scream at me, or maybe storm away, judging by the look on his face. Instead, he just said, really, really coldly, "The Three Aspects ordered me to keep an eye on the Seiten Taisei, just like I have to keep an eye on Cho Hakkai. In fact, the only person I don't have some disgusting obligation to is _you_."

"Aw, so you hang around me just 'cause you like me?"

I really expected him to kick me in the head over that, but instead he answered, fiercely almost, "That means I wouldn't have the slightest qualm over killing you. You're not my responsibility, and you're certainly not my friend."

"Dick." I spat, under my breath. "Feeling's mutual."

He turned away from me, and it kept raining, and I crouched there a while, hating Sanzo, before I eventually realized, I didn't hate Sanzo. Sanzo seemed like he really hated me, so for all I knew, he really did, but I didn't really hate him back. There were a lot of things to respect about Sanzo, and if I thought about it, there were even a few things to _like_ about Sanzo. Like how he always told you exactly what he thought, never sugar-coating it or making up excuses, and how he somehow always said the right thing, even if you weren't expecting him to. As much as I gave him shit about being a worldly monk, I knew in my heart that Sanzo was actually a good guy. An asshole. But still a good guy. If he hated me, he probably had some legit, righteous reason for it. Either way, I couldn't help admiring him, I couldn't stop trying to get past that ridiculously thick wall he always had up, and sometimes, when I was being extra pathetic, I found myself wishing I had the reassurance of knowing he'd be on my side if I needed him to be.

Like he said, he had obligation to Goku and Hakkai. When their shit hit the fan, he'd stepped in and bailed them out. If my shit ever hit the fan, I doubted I'd be as lucky. He didn't have so much as a compulsion to help me.

_Well, whatever. I don't need his help. I don't need anyone's help._

Not at the moment anyway.

I shook the thoughts away, trying not to let myself sink into self pity. Without really knowing why, I said, "Hey, don't worry about the kid so much. Like you said, he's tough. Besides, he's with Hakkai."

"I never said I was worried."

"I know."

"Can't you just shut up and mind your own business? You're worse than an old lady."

"I don't really have any business to mind. I'm only out here 'cause you're making me."

"Don't try to play the blame card with me, Gojyo. I'm not _making_ you anything."

"Right. _You_ try telling you 'no' and see how it goes. Between you throwing a fit and Hakkai starting in with the guilt trips, I couldn't get out of this asinine, little firm to save my life."

"Hn. Well, your life isn't ever necessarily in danger over this 'firm', stupid."

"Ah, what do you know? Tell that to all the assholes who've tried to kill me while I was doing your dirty work."

"I didn't say no one would ever try to kill you." He answered caustically. "I said your life isn't necessarily in danger. If I'd thought you were fragile enough to get yourself killed running around picking up antiques I wouldn't have asked you to get involved."

"Oh, now you _asked_ me to?"

"And don't act the martyr. Even a moron like you isn't going to get killed when that maniac is the other half of the team."

"Moron. Maniac. You don't think very highly of your lackeys."

"It's not impossible. If your life _is_ in danger though, it's not on purpose—I can't control what happens when I send you to get something."

Something in his voice caught my attention, and I looked up at him.

He had his arms folded, leaning back against the boulder, and he wasn't looking at me, so I couldn't see his face. I was sure it was as apathetic and remote as ever.

I had to be imagining it. For a split second there, I had thought he was telling me…

No way. He wouldn't even _think_ that, let alone say it out loud, to my face.

_Sanzo hates my guts, and I don't care._

Still…

"Wait, so you-"

Sanzo stepped away from the boulder suddenly, holding a hand out to test the rain, "It's stopping. Let's go." He walked away without another word.

I got up and followed him, surer than ever that I'd misunderstood him, and that was fine. Sanzo hated me, and I didn't expect to find out anything different for as long as I knew him.

The rain hadn't stopped exactly, but it had slowed down a lot, and we hadn't been walking for five minutes before the clouds started to move on and the sun came out again.

"Whew. That was intense, huh? I coulda' lived without being out in that."

"Hn."

"You too, huh?"

"I don't care about the weather one way or another." He lied. "But believe it or not, these robes are not easy to clean."

He sounded a little mellower now, and his frown wasn't as deep.

Laughing, I rested my elbow on his shoulder, "Right, right, the robes."

He didn't push me off for once. That was weird, but I didn't read into it. I didn't think I should. He was probably just too tired of me to even bother.

"You should think about wearing something more practical when you leave the temple, huh, Sanzo? Jeans and a t-shirt you just toss in the wash and don't worry about."

He gave me another glare, but it was a little milder than the two million that had come before it, "When have you _ever_ seen me wear jeans and a t-shirt?"

"Never. That's my point. You're waaay too high strung."

"Need I remind you I'm a Sanzo priest? I can't just-"

Up ahead, a voice called out, "Sanzo! Gojyo!"

Not a second later, Goku was racing into view, springing down off of rocks and vaulting over boulders and weaving around trees. He was just a blur of colors and a whirlwind of happy laughter, "Hey! We found ya'!"

"Hey-ya monkey!" I laughed too. "It's about time you showed up! Where the hell's-"

Hakkai jogged out of the tree line, right behind him, looking less concerned about getting to us and more like he didn't want to get left completely behind.

Couldn't blame him. Goku was right in front of us in a second, "Man, we looked all over for ya'! You guys okay? That cliff was pretty big."

"'Course we're okay, shrimpy. What about you guys?"  
>Goku gave me a thumbs up and the biggest, warmest grin ever, "Wiped out the baddies and went on with life."<p>

"See, Sanzo? You were worried for nothing."

"I wasn't worried." Sanzo shoved my arm away, just like that, and I barely thought about it.

Hakkai had just about joined us by then.

I spread my arms wide, "Buddy! You survived the rain without me!"

He didn't look as serene as he normally did. Obviously the storm had bothered him. He was dripping wet, and frowning a little, but he sighed and said, "Yes, yes, of course. And I see you survived falling off a hundred foot cliff, even without me there to catch you at the bottom."

"I landed on Sanzo." I grinned, hooking my arm around his neck, "He hasn't forgiven me since."

"I wouldn't either. You're somewhat heavier than you look."

"Meh. Excuse me for being trim."

Goku elbowed me in the ribs, "Skinny-ass." Then he smiled up at Sanzo, "Heh heh, you're all wet."

"So are you." Sanzo returned stoically.

They looked at each other for a moment, Goku's smile was overpowering, and even though Sanzo wasn't quite smiling back at him, I noticed how much more composed he looked. Something about having that damn monkey with him really put him at ease. But, hey, I wasn't gonna' call him on it. Today I had noticed for the first time that there was obviously more between them than I had ever realized. Like father and son almost. I'd never had anything like that, and I never would, so I knew better than to belittle it.

Hakkai jerked me away suddenly, "Yes, well, I think we're _all_ a little bit wet, and I for one would like to hurry home and get dry for a change. The mission is complete, no thanks to you two, and so we'll be on our way."

I guess he knew all about their father-son thing too. Go figure. He'd probably noticed it a long, long time ago.

"How're we gonna' get up there?"

"Don't be dense, Gojyo." He said gruffly, "The cliff is much shorter over here. How do you suppose the two of us got down?"

"Dense…?"

"Thick, slow, opaque. Take your pick of the definitions."

I glanced over my shoulder at Sanzo and Goku. They weren't that far behind us, walking side by side. Goku looked unbelievably happy, and Sanzo looked totally at ease now. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but it would take an idiot not to notice they were happy to be together again.

"Excuse me." Hakkai said after a few seconds, "The rain seems to have left me feeling a touch distraught. I'm sure Sanzo did his part to damage your ego for the day."

I laughed again. "Eh. Whatever. You're right—dense. That's me."


	20. Chapter 20

**Not quite nailing it this time around...**

* * *

><p><strong>Jisonshin<strong>

I was frowning, and I knew it, and he must have known it also, because we were surrounded by a very atypical, uncomfortable silence that should have been filled by dirty jokes and various complaints. After these few months of living together and doing Sanzo's work for him, I had come to realize that Gojyo tended to stay unnaturally quiet whenever I was frowning. At first, I suppose, I hadn't thought much of it, and I'd kept brooding without taking it into consideration, but in time, I'd come to the conclusion that the fact that he was quiet must have to do with my mood directly. As usual, it was surprising to learn that he was so in tune with my emotions, especially since we really didn't know each other all that well.

_If I took the time to bother, he would be easy to understand, I'm sure._

I don't know where the contemptuous, degrading thought crawled out of. Perhaps there was more darkness in me than usual.

As a child, I'd always hated everyone around me. I'd looked down on them and thought less of them, because they were inferior and gullible. The other orphans in the convent gave in whole-heartedly to what the nuns would tell them, and they put their trust in their god and the fickle kindness of men. The sisters themselves, would say anything to console a wounded child—truth or untruth, empty hope after empty hope. And then there was me, forced to rely on others, forced to accept my own weakness. It had been a life quite full of resentment and anger.

Kanan had helped me to put much of that behind me.

_But she's dead now, so all false hope really was only that. Entirely false._

Now here I was, living this existence, twice as meaningless as any I'd known in the past. I hadn't even a future now. I hadn't so much as the false hope that had once kept me warm at night—the dream that I might find Kanan, some day, and be loved by her. These days, I ran the dirty errands of a much too self-absorbed Sanzo Priest, just so I could eat, and kept the company of a Child of Taboo, just to keep from being alone. Had I finally hit the very bottom?

The day was cool at least, with the sort of mildness one expects from early September, the sky overcast, but it didn't look as if it would storm. That was well enough for me. I didn't think I could bear to endure any inclement weather today. We'd only just left the house, and already I was hating this errand we had to run. I was even hating Sanzo a little.

I looked directly at Gojyo, noting his calm, almost oblivious expression, and his easygoing mannerisms, and I wondered if having him near me could possibly keep the hatred from consuming me entirely, or if his outrageous personality would only make things worse.

_Worse._ I decided at once. That was easy enough to infer. A nineteen-year-old who was fated to ever behave as if he was _nine_ could only serve to annoy me when such a foul mood was already stirring inside me.

He noticed me looking at him, took the cigarette out of his mouth, and grinned, "What's up, man?"

"Not a thing." I returned darkly.

"You seem kinda' cranky today. Think it's gonna' rain?"

Did he really think he was clever for having noticed my aversion to rain? Did he think he knew me at all? It was impetuous at best. It made me hate him a little as well.

"I'm sure I have no idea what the weather's going to do. Perhaps the antennae on your head can tell us something."

He seemed a bit unsure at that. How painfully predictable. Such a scathing tone was bound to put even the most happy-go-lucky idiot ill at ease. "Antennae, huh? That's a new one."

"Yes, yes. I'm sure such wit is few and far between in your circles."

It was biting honesty I didn't necessarily need to share, but I didn't feel like holding back today. I felt like fighting. After all, I didn't tell him _he_ was stupid. I simply implied that the people he knew were stupid, and if Banri was any indication of the type of people he spent time with, I assumed the implication was a correct one.

"Well." Gojyo took it all in stride. "I guess you're probably the smartest guy I've ever met."

I ground my teeth a little. Was he just trying to placate me? Was Gojyo of all people actually being _polite_ in order to avoid a confrontation? Sickening. Just sickening. People all around me, constantly putting up fronts, hiding from the realities of the world. Hiding from the facts. It made me that much angrier.

"I suppose I should be flattered." I tried to smile—I really gave it my best effort—but the expression didn't reach my eyes, and I knew it.

Gojyo stared at me for a second, his own eyes growing slightly wide. Perhaps the look on my face was even more hideously dark than I imagined. Smiling with such cruel, hateful eyes…

It was that darkness that had terrified my fellow orphans—not the smile, naturally, since they'd never seen it—and it was that expression, so forcibly cheerful, so overwhelmed by contempt, that had Kanan taking my hands in hers and reminding me…

_Reminding me not to give up hope, because there's good in this world. Somewhere. In some form. I'm sure it's easy to smile past the grave, Kanan._

She was the only one who'd been able to tolerate my heartless visage, and I knew Gojyo would tuck his tail between his legs and slink away, frightened and bewildered, like all the other orphans used to.

Instead, he snorted, "Man, that has to be the scariest fucking thing…how do you even _do_ that?"

It was startling that he wasn't running away, so I took a moment before answering.

"When one has enough bodily control, one can make his face do most anything, regardless of if his heart is in it or not. I think you know that as well as I do, seeing how you have so little to smile about and yet are in an almost constant state of doing so."

Yes, I _knew_ he had little to smile about. His life was in an inherent state of disarray, one storm of chaos after another, bound up by shame and self-hatred and limitless insecurities. I hadn't known him very long, but he was easy enough to figure out on the first look. I was intelligent enough to see through that mask of simplicity and blithe.

_A devil-may-care playboy, hm? No. The whores and the drunks at the bar can't see what I see—a lonely bastard who'll do anything, anything at all, to be accepted._

Simple.

Pathetic.

I tried to shake the thought away. It was cruel to even _have_ that thought.

_Today is so…so inexcusably horrible._

"Seriously. You okay?"

I could hardly believe he was still daring to speak to me. It angered me further that he was catching me off-guard.

"Yes, of course, I'm fine. And I don't appreciate the contrived worry."

"…Contrived?"

"It means _fake_."

There was a moment of silence, and then he answered easily—far too easily—"I know what it means, dude. What makes you think I'm worried?"

"The inflection in your voice when you asked if I'm okay. The way you keep looking at me out of the corner of your eye. The fact that you haven't said even _one_ frivolous inanity since we left the house. You're fairly easy to read."

"Yeah?" There was now just a sliver of defiance in his tone, as if he meant to disprove my observations. "Well, you'd worry too if your friend was making a face like _that_."

"Would I? Or would I perhaps pretend to be concerned because that's what I'm expected to do?"

"I dunno' what _you'd_ do, Hakkai, but I don't _fake_ stuff like _worry_. When I don't give a shit, I don't care who knows."

"Oh, but when you _do_ care, heaven forbid anyone should be aware of _that_?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Obviously you would hate for anyone to realize you're concerned, considering how you generally go out of your way to avoid admitting it."

"Excuse me, but I'm not your mom, alright? If you're pissed off or whatever, it ain't my job to find out what's wrong and cheer you up."

"And yet, given enough time, you _will_ strive to do exactly that."

"Whatever." At last he sounded frustrated. Obviously my logic was running him ragged. "I don't give a shit, Hakkai. As long as you're cool, and we're not gonna' get killed over your issues, it's none of my business."

"So we return to my initial point. Your worry is contrived. As long as my emotions aren't going to affect the outcome of _your_ life, why should you bother to be genuinely concerned? Typical, selfish, human nature."

"Damn, what the fuck's with _you_? Somebody piss in your cereal?"

I glared at him, "It's true, is it not? No one really cares what happens to anyone else."

Gojyo looked a little caught off-guard by that too, eyes growing wide again, mouth falling open, "I…"

He paused and didn't argue with me.

I couldn't stop myself before blurting out, "_You_ know _that_ too, don't you? Particularly someone of your _background _would have had to come to terms with reality a long time ago, and that is that no one cares, even remotely, what becomes of someone else."

He stopped in his tracks.

I took a few more steps before I even realized he wasn't beside me anymore.

"Well?" I turned back to him to ask what the problem was, but stopped short when I saw the look on his face.

I'm not sure I'd ever seen him quite that angry. It was a sort of anger I couldn't even describe, quiet and accepting in some ways, wrathful and unforgiving in others. Not a violent sort of anger. It didn't look as if he wished to punch my face in. But a very genuine rage, indeed. His eyes burned with it. His mouth curved down, dramatically. It added a whole five years or so to his face.

When he spoke, his voice was soft, sullen, trembling with emotion, "Even someone of _my_ background, huh? Okay. So tell me something, smart guy. Just what the fuck. Is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"I think the meaning is self-explanatory." I answered, quieting my tone a bit as well.

"Yeah? Well. Just in case a _stupid, _second-class, underprivileged, fuck-job, _idiot_ like _me_ can't quite understand what Genius-fucking-Cho-fucking-Hakkai is saying…why don't you lay it out for me. Reeeally. Sim-ple."

"Honestly now. You're being ridiculous. I said no such thing."

"Right. Huh. I don't expect you to give a shit, anyway, Hakkai. You're right. I don't expect anybody to give a shit."

With that, he turned right around and walked back the other way, disappeared around the bend without so much as another word.

I was so stunned, I didn't even think to call after him, and once he was gone, I stood where I was for several minutes, watching to see if he'd come back, playing the conversation over in my head.

I glanced up at the sky again. It was still morning. Sanzo's mission shouldn't take more than a couple of hours, and he'd said it wasn't supposed to be dangerous. Chances were, I could go now, alone, accomplish the job by myself, and then come home and be back before dark.

Still…

_Sanzo wanted this done today. He always wants it done_ today._ I don't have time to be deterred, not by _anything.

Never-the-less, standing there seemed to bring me to my senses.

I considered again what I'd said to Gojyo, wondering what it was exactly that had made him so unbelievably angry.

"I don't have time to be bothered with it." I actually shuffled a few more feet before stopping again, repeating to myself, "I _really_ don't have time to be bothered with it."

Typical selfishness, again. Sanzo needed his irritating mission done, and Gojyo was offended over some silly slip of the tongue, and now I'd have to do it all alone, which was unappealing to say the least.

I kept walking, presently, "What in the world did he get so bent out of shape about? Doesn't he _know_ where he…came from?"

I stopped again, listening to the woods. Listening to what was beyond them.

"Unless he actually thought…"

No. He couldn't be _that_ dense. He couldn't really think I'd say _that_ to him. That would be inexcusable, no matter what sort of mood I was in. Gojyo wasn't honestly so stupid that he'd think I would…

_ I suppose…he could be…_

Swearing under my breath, I spun around, walking briskly back up the path, to the house. It came into view, shortly, and then I could hear loud, raucous music coming from inside. Just another sign that I'd made him unbelievably angry.

_What's he thinking? Obviously I'd never tell him _that_. He's so irrational._

I was there before I even realized it, throwing the door open, feeling irritated and tired.

Gojyo ignored me. He was lying on the couch with a sordid magazine, a lit cigarette and an open beer. He'd removed his boots, his jacket and his shirt, a sure sign that he wasn't going anywhere.

"What are you doing?" I demanded.

He didn't even look up at me.

I stormed across the room to turn the stereo off—I hated the stereo, and I hated it when he blasted it, and he knew it—was he trying to make me angry? "Gojyo!"

Gojyo turned the page and took a lazy drag off his cigarette.

"Didn't you hear me? What do you think you're doing? Did you completely forget that we have somewhere to be, and not all day to be there, I might add?"

It seemed he was purposely ignoring me.

"Don't. Be childish." I snapped. "I'm standing right here, talking to you, so _don't_ you dare ignore me."  
>Not a word still. It made me want to go over and rip the magazine out of his hands and pour the beer over his head.<p>

"This reaction is absurd. We have somewhere to be, so say whatever you need to say, and let's get back on track."

Either there was nothing to say, or he was purposely being stubborn.

I strode across the room to stand over him, "Come now, you didn't actually think I meant-"

"Tryin' to read."

I wasn't particularly accustomed to having him cut me off so bluntly, and it robbed me of my momentum. I backtracked. Blurted out, inevitably, "As if. You and I both know there isn't a word printed in that filthy thing, so stop with this absurd front and let's get going."

"I changed my mind. Sanzo's piss work doesn't interest me today."

"Then you're not coming with me."

"Nope."

"You expect me to go by myself."

"I don't expect you to do anything. Remember?"

I threw my hands up, "Very well then, sit there and act like a stubborn child."

I stormed back outside, fully intending to go and complete 'Sanzo's piss work' on my own, but after I'd gone a little ways, I was reminded, again, of why I hadn't simply gone on my way in the first place.

_I really made him angry… I really, really said the wrong thing._

It was never my intention to upset him…

What a lie. I had been trying to make him angry, trying to start a fight, because I was furious, and there was no reason everyone else in the world shouldn't be as well. I'd purposely said things I knew might hurt his feelings.

_But I didn't mean _that_. I would never say _that_._

Because he wouldn't ever forgive me for _that_.

I don't think I'd ever mentioned that before, so why would I bring it up now? Was he just so caught off guard by the things I'd been saying in the first place that he'd just assumed that's what I meant to say?

Whatever the case, I couldn't just go on my way now. I couldn't leave him thinking I meant to insult his blood.

However, I thought, if I stayed outside a while, he'd follow me. Perhaps he'd come to scream at me, or maybe he'd come to attempt to patch things up.

Neither happened. I circled around the house a few times before going back inside. I removed my jacket and stomped across the house to hang it up in the closet, more irritated with myself than with his behavior.

_How could I say something that reckless and stupid?_

_ How could he be so sensitive and insecure?_

I didn't say anything to him. I was angrier than ever now, and I was immensely frustrated. The mission for Sanzo wasn't the type of thing one just blew off over personal sentiments, but I couldn't go by myself.

Not because I couldn't accomplish it on my own—I certainly could—but more importantly, I was afraid of what would lapse between the two of us if I did leave now. Perhaps it would breed some resentment I couldn't alleviate.

I said out loud, "You know, Gojyo, I think if you consider the circumstances, you'll find that you're over-reacting a little."

"Would you shut up?"

His voice was a harsh cloud of darkness, icy, still and almost quiet, but it trembled with such ferocity, I knew better than to say any more.

We hadn't known each other very long, I thought, as I set to going about my day, purely out of a lack of knowing what I ought to do instead. We'd had our little tiffs here and there, but from the look of things, this could be a bit more serious than any of that. After all, he was blatantly refusing to talk to me.

For the most part, I kept quiet after that. Every here and again, I did try to communicate with him.

"Are you really not going to talk to me?"

When more time had passed, "Do you honestly expect to get away with disregarding Sanzo's assignment?"

Still there was nothing, and I gave it more time, thinking he might cool off and come around, "Are you still upset about this?"

Not so much as a snort. I went out into my garden and harvested a few vegetables that were ripe enough. The frost of October would be coming soon, and hopefully everything would be grown before then. It did save us quite a bit of money, having a vegetable garden.

Back inside, I hoped he had finally calmed down—I'd been in the garden for more than an hour—and I tried again, attempting something a bit more light-hearted this time, even if I still felt unbelievably angry myself. "I'll probably make vegetable soup for dinner tomorrow night, if that's all right with you. I suppose I should put some meat in it though, since vegetable soup on it's own is somewhat boring. Beef, perhaps? Or would you prefer chicken?"

He didn't say a word. I saw that he was done with his magazine and was lying there with some headphones over his ears. I doubted he couldn't hear me though. He had to have heard me. He was purposely ignoring me.

I went to stand over him, "How long are you going to give me the silent treatment?"

"I ain't giving you the silent treatment. I'm just not answering your gay, little questions."

"Isn't that the silent treatment by definition?"

"I'm talking to you right now, right?"

"Yes, but-"

"So fuck off."

I warned him darkly, "You're beginning to make me angry."

"Like I give a dick shit."

That settled that. I went back to the kitchen to clean my vegetables, dismayed and flabbergasted. Throughout all my attempts at communication, he was steadfast in silence, and he went through the motions of the day as if I didn't exist at all, fiddling with things here, rattling that around there, moving around me as if I weren't present, looking through me, as if I were a ghost. It was uncharacteristic of someone who was so prone to arguments, and that was more frustrating than anything else. He was so clearly outraged, so why sit and brood and not say a word? Why not stand up and throw his beer on the floor and start screaming?

Was he afraid of me?

Someone who'd told me to 'fuck off' and then confessed that they didn't give so much as a 'dick shit'—whatever that was—probably wasn't afraid of me.

After some time, when I'd finished my vegetables and they were tucked away in the crisper, while I was sitting at the kitchen table, tapping my foot, anxiously, it occurred to me that _I_ could be the one to fly off the proverbial handle, have a fit, throw things around and start shouting, and it might even relieve some of the tension in the air, but, I recognized that being angry, and acting like an ass, was what had started this thing, even if it _was_ unintentional, so I didn't speak to him either. There was nothing I could say in this state that would fix the problem.

I made myself some tea and picked out a book, and tried to relax, and that helped a great deal. Before long, I could see that it was my error that had launched us into this feud, and therefore, it was my duty to fix it. It could be that he was even waiting for me to take the first step to resolve the issue. I decided I'd better start focusing on making amends, and got up to make some sandwiches for lunch. I guess I might have had a silly thought in my head that, if I made lunch for him, he'd forgive me, perhaps even without my having to say anything.

I stood in the living room doorway, watching him; he hadn't moved in several hours, unless it was to get a beer or use the facilities. It was common enough, but it felt forced, and I wondered what was going through his head.

"Lunch is ready." I said, after a moment.

"What is it?"

"A chicken sandwich."

He laid still a long while after that, until I thought he wasn't going to move or respond, and then, suddenly, he got up, throwing his headphones aside, shoved past me, rudely, roughly, and went into the kitchen. I watched him take the sandwich and grab a beer from the fridge, and then, just like that, he was back in the living room, climbing over the back of the couch and sitting cross-legged there.

I watched him pick up the remote for the stereo, which he turned on again, and then proceeded to shove half the sandwich in his mouth.

The string of actions dismayed me that much more. I had hoped we'd be able to sit down and eat and talk this thing over.

"Are you going to sit there all day? You won't even eat at the table, like a civilized being?"

"No one ever said I _was_ a civilized being." He sneered around a mouthful of food.

I tried for several seconds to figure out how to manage that. "Gojyo…I think we need to sit down and take a minute to discuss this."

"Not interested. Hey, come to think of it, I don't even need a plate. Grab me a doggy-dish and I'll just eat off the fucking floor like an animal."

"Stop it. This is getting completely out of hand, and you're not helping solve the issue with your childish attitude."

Just like that, he dropped the sandwich on the coffee table, got up, practically yelling, "So now I'm childish too? Like taking out all your fucking frustration on me was the _mature_ thing to do, Hakkai?"

"I wasn't meaning to take my frustrations out on you." I lied.

"Yeah right! Do me a favor—next time you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, just lock yourself in your room, or _shoot_ me or something!"

"It's not really as bad as all that." Another lie.

"Oh, you're right. I guess you'd know better about _that_ than I would too! You're a fucking wonder, Hakkai. _How_ can you _possibly_ know absolutely _everything_?"

"Education helps." I joked half-heartedly.

It was the very worst thing I could have said, I realized. I'm not sure why that was, but it was perfectly evident in the furious expression it invoked from him.

"Fuck you!"

That was all he said. I didn't get a chance to amend or to tell him I hadn't meant to aim that at him, or to hopelessly insist that I didn't know anything about his level of education. He was already grabbing his shirt and his boots from where he'd left them, strewn all over the floor, and heading for the door.

"Gojyo, wait."

He ignored me, threw his beer against the wall, so that the bottle shattered, kicked the door open, and then slammed it hard.

"I really made him angry…" was all I could think to say, even after he was gone.

Not on purpose, of course. I didn't mean to make any statements about his life or his education. I didn't know anything about either of them.

Gojyo was over-reacting, that was all I could think. How in the world could I be expected to know what would upset him and what wouldn't? I barely knew him. There had been plenty of times his tactless comments had upset me, and I hadn't said a word, because I knew he didn't mean to insult me. Then again, I didn't necessarily expect him to have that type of restraint.

_Now you see, Hakkai. Those are exactly the sort of snobbish, egotistical thoughts that got you into this argument to begin with._

Unfortunately, the day was wearing on. Lunch was getting cold, and I didn't even have an appetite to eat anymore now, so I put it all away. We were running out of time to accomplish our mission.

Sanzo would likely be around tomorrow, some time in the evening or the afternoon, to collect and pay our dues, or to investigate why we hadn't gone to the temple to report. He'd be beyond furious when he learned we hadn't even made it two miles from our own house.

All because that idiot had to read too much into what I'd said.

_That isn't his fault. What you said…it sounded an awful lot like you meant…_

That didn't necessarily make him stupid, I thought, suddenly. It might be a perfectly natural reaction were he accustomed to being judged by that and that alone, so he might just expect me to mean that, and since I had never judged him by that, I suppose I wasn't in the mindset to consider it.

_I can make up excuses all day, but it won't fix this problem._

How could I convince him that what I'd said was more or less an accident? How could I get him to see that I hadn't meant that at all?

_He's just Gojyo, to me._

Gojyo was a lot of things, but he wasn't some unholy spawn who caused misfortune everywhere he went, as I'd been led to believe was true of the hanyou race, by popular theory.

I looked back upon the first few days after we'd met. I remembered waking up on the third or second day, seeing him there, leafing through some pornographic magazine or other. I remembered feeling inexpressibly grateful, and not quite knowing why. It went beyond recognizing that he'd saved my life. He'd been around so often for those first few weeks, I'd even begun to wonder if he had a life of his own to attend to. Even if now I felt as if I didn't know him very well, I knew that I'd seen the truth of his spirit in those months that he'd looked after me, expecting absolutely nothing in return. He was too kind for his own good, the type of person who would have been easy to take advantage of had he not been so hardened by his own childhood. By having people take advantage of him when he was young. Outside of that kindness though…I could sense that he was lonely, and that, maybe, having someone around, relieved that loneliness, even if I was a complete stranger.

The sense of that loneliness, added to my gratefulness toward him, had filled me with compassion and a strange desire to make up for what he was doing for me. I'd gone out of my way to get to know him, where I typically ignored the people around me.

_"Oh, I don't believe I've asked yet. May I have the honor of knowing your name?"_

_ "It's Gojyo. I don't really think it's an honor."_

_ "But it is, Gojyo-san. You saved my life."_

_ "…Not Gojyo-_san_. Just Gojyo. That formal crap's too stuffy for me."_

_ "Humor me, won't you? After what you've done…the chance you've given me…I don't think I can repay you."_

_ "I don't need you to."_

Typical.

That idiot. He didn't even realize he was too good for this cold, uncaring world.

I walked to the window to look out. The sun was still high, but it was drifting slowly westward, and the mission was far from complete, and Sanzo would be here tomorrow to ask questions and scream and make accusations.

_I don't particularly care what Sanzo thinks._ I realized.

Right now there was only one thing I _did_ care about.

_This argument is ridiculous and pointless._

Then, while I was staring out the window, I began to feel a bit lonely myself. I'd only lived here a few months, Banri had only been gone a bit over _one_ month, and yet, I was getting used to the inherent sense of companionship as well. Gojyo was gone a lot, still—he'd head out after dinner and be gone til anywhere between three and five in the morning, sleep until noon the next day, and repeat. But there was always those short, five to six hours between noon and after dinner where we were together in our house. Some days were funny, where everything he said and did was a riot, and everything I said and did had him rolling—sometimes literally—with laughter, days when we played games and fake fought or sparred, or wrestled, or scuffled around in the house until something was broken, days when he punched me in the arm and went away laughing. Some days were sad, when I woke up and felt the freezing touch of regret lancing through every part of my being, so strongly that it was almost a physical pain, and I walked through the morning as if in a dream, hearing her voice, seeing her in the distance, weeping silently over my loss, but those days were also filled with comfort, because when Gojyo came to me, without a word, and slung his arm around my neck, and stayed near me, never passing judgment or asking questions, I felt honestly better for it, and inexpressibly grateful. We had days of silence where we happened to dwell, contentedly, in the same house, saying only a handful of words to one another before he left to attend to his nightlife. We had days when I could see the brokenness in his eyes as easily as I could feel it inside my own heart, and on those days, I'd witnessed that a little kindness—a swat to the head, a clench of the wrist, a pound on the back, a gentle word, a compassionate smile, a dish of food I knew he liked particularly well—it went so much further than I ever expected it to go, so far that, most of the time, by the time he was setting out, he was smiling again like nothing had ever been wrong. I had had the thought before that, in our own, strange way, we were healing one another's souls.

There were days where we fought too, days like this one, and that could end in bitter silence or a full-blown fist fight, but either way, we were always friends again in the morning.

'Friends' was a word I hadn't used much in my life. It wasn't something I'd experienced before. I had peers and classmates and acquaintances, but Kanan had been the first person I considered a 'friend', but given the nature of our relationship, it hadn't been anything like what most friendships consisted of. The relationship building between Gojyo and I was my first real, true, platonic, meaningful friendship.

As I looked out the window, I felt suddenly very, very sad, and I wondered if, today, my heartless comments and my lack of tact might have damaged that very fragile, exceedingly rare thing that was between us.

He wouldn't be back until dawn. Should I stay up all night, await his arrival, beg his forgiveness when he came through the door? Should I throw myself upon his neck and apologize endlessly and shame myself in front of him in hopes that he'd have some mercy and take pity on me, let it go? Should I go after him, even? Leave now, chase him down, grab his arm and make him listen to me, say anything I had to in order to hold his attention long enough to fix this? Would the word 'sorry' ever be enough? Should I just go to bed and hope that when I awoke tomorrow I might still have some chance at making this right again?

I'd never seen him so angry. I didn't know how to anticipate what he'd do or what he thought or what it would take to be back in his good graces. The only thing I knew was that I didn't think I could bear for him to stay angry with me like this for much longer. The guilt was too corrosive, and more importantly, it was terribly heavy, knowing someone I cared so deeply for was this angry. Not because that anger was directed at me, but because that anger was inside him, devouring him, ruining what might have been a perfectly decent day otherwise.

Then I decided I _would_ wait. I'd wait up all night if I had to. I'd take whatever chance I got when he came home, even if he was drunk or if he was angry. I'd do anything I had to do to fix this and to make him see that I hadn't meant the hateful thing he thought I did.

For the rest of the afternoon, I did my best to occupy myself, tidying up and reading and whatnot, but there was precious little to do, and the more time went on, the more anxious I felt.

Fortunately, and much to my surprise, Gojyo was only gone for a couple of hours. He reeked of cheap perfume when he came in, but at least he wasn't drunk, and he seemed to be a little calmer, though he still wouldn't look directly at me.

I watched him go to the fridge and get a new beer—I still hadn't cleaned up the one he'd thrown against the wall—and he was familiar to me, his presence a comfort and a relief, his form something I'd know by sight, anywhere I went, no matter how far away he was, and it was all strangely dear to me. The red hair. The sullen expression. The scars.

"Welcome home."

"'Sup."

"Are you all right?"

"What? Oh, yeah. Never better." There was a vague shade of insincerity in his voice.

"You seemed very angry when you left."

"Got over it."

I had my suspicions that it wasn't true, but for a moment, I wondered if I should just let it go and hope that he _would_ get over it soon.

As he turned away again, I dared to call after him, "Don't you think we should talk about this?"

"Heh. What's to talk about? We ain't chicks, Hakkai—_I'm_ not, anyway. With all the cooking and cleaning you do, who knows?" He grinned at me, but there was something wrong with it.

"I'm fairly certain being a woman isn't a prerequisite for sorting through a disagreement."

"I didn't know we had a disagreement."

"What would you call it?"

"I dunno'. You were a dick. I was a dick. Let's forget it." He took a large gulp of beer.

"Is that what you normally do when someone offends you?"

"Lookit you, just _assuming_ you offended me. Who do you think you are? You just pissed me off a little, that's all."

"I've seen you 'pissed off' before, Gojyo. The way you acted earlier was very different."

"Oh, shaddup and quit worrying about it, alright? Today sucked, tomorrow's gonna' be better—we'll get Sanzo's stupid errand done and go have some drinks, like dudes."

How interesting.

I studied him. He was _almost_ pulling it off. He was nearly acting normal now. But still, something was off.

The stance he'd taken wasn't as confident as usual, leaning back on the counter with his arms folded, head tilted forward just slightly so a curtain of red hair hid most of his face, and definitely his scars, from view, and he was still looking past me, rather than at me. His voice was slightly dull, lacking the flippancy I'd become accustomed to, and yet the words themselves were even more dismissive than usual, as if he were forcing himself to sound as if he didn't care. The smile he wore was unquestionably fake, and when I caught a glimpse of his eyes, they were tired and almost sad.

On second thought, e_verything_ was off, even if it was only by a fraction.

"Anyway, what the hell've _you_ been doing all day? Knitting or some shit?"

"Oh, I've kept busy. Not with knitting exactly."

"And here I thought you'd take off on Sanzo's quest by yourself, hog all the glory and take all the loot."

"Of course not." I strove to be as honest as possible, thinking it might somehow offset how superficial he was being, "I wouldn't do that to you."

"Sure, sure." He laughed, suddenly, and it was twice as fake as anything else. "Whatever you say, Mr. Innocent. I'd take all the glory and the loot in a heartbeat if I could, so why wouldn't you? Hell, you go see Sanzo way more often than I do. For all I know, you've been taking solo projects all along, behind my back. Yeah? Man, and you seem like such a stand up guy. Level with me, dude. You been holding out on me?"

"I'm not Banri, you know." I said suddenly. At first, I was hardly aware of why the words emerged or where they came from, but as soon as they were out, I realized that the way he was talking to me, the things he was saying and the tone he was using, it was reminiscent of the manner in which he'd behaved towards Banri. Exceedingly shallow, as if he couldn't afford to allow any truth to seep through into our conversation.

Half-heartedly, I wondered how that had come to be the nature of their relationship. It could have begun on that insincere note, or it could be that Banri had said something—something tactless and hurtful-at some point, to drive Gojyo into this attitude of mistrust and dishonesty.

I couldn't pretend it didn't bother me.

He faltered, the smile dropping from his face for a second, "What? No shit, genius. Nobody said you were."

"What I mean is, you can trust me."

"Not according to _you_ I can't, remember?"

"I don't, actually. I don't remember saying that. I said that no one cares about anyone else."

"Same diff." He took another heavy swig of alcohol.

It didn't look promising at this point. He wasn't letting me get close at all, a sure sign that I must have really, honestly hurt his feelings, and for all I knew, everything he'd done since I'd spoken those words, was just to hide the fact that I'd cut him deep.

The very idea distressed me to no end. Having a bad day was one thing, but I'd utterly estranged my own room mate, perhaps to a point where I couldn't even get him back, and maybe that shouldn't bother me so much, because I really didn't know him all that well, but, on the other hand, I did know him well enough to care, and we'd been through enough together already that I felt as if he meant something to me.

What could I do though? How could I fix this?

I watched him as he started a cigarette and rummaged through the fridge again, this time for food, searching desperately for some way to make things okay again.

"I have an idea." I said at length, "Why don't we go into town and have a few drinks?"

"Only if you're buyin'."

"Well…I don't see why not."

"I thought you said we're supposed to be saving money until Sanzo pays us for this job."

"That's true, but I feel like going out, and since Sanzo will probably pay us either tomorrow or the day after, I think we can afford to splurge a bit."

"I don't really feel like it."

"_You_ don't feel like going out and having drinks?"

"Not really. Feels like a veg out night to me."

I struggled to find something else. Anything else. "I suppose we could consume what little alcohol we have here and see how far _that_ gets us."

"Just not feeling it tonight. I've been drunk all week. You know, you gotta' have those little moments of clarity…heh. Maybe you _don't_ know."

"Cards then. Or mahjong."

He glanced over his shoulder at me, "What the hell kinda' mood you in? Being alone all day wasn't _that_ big a deal was it?" The he stood up, grinning all the more devilishly, "Aw, don't tell me you got _lonely_ without me. You can just say so."

I sighed, "Would you please refrain from belittling everything, Gojyo? I'm doing the best I can to make things right."

"You're doing a shitty job, that's all."

I shook my head at him, "Very well. You've rebuffed my best efforts at being subtle. May I then just say that being alone all day _did_ have its toll, but not so far as causing me to be lonely. Not necessarily. I have had a substantial amount of time to reflect though, and I think that perhaps…"

He was walking away all the sudden, toward his bedroom.

"Excuse me? I'm trying to talk to you."

"Jeez, man, this heavy stuff bores the shit outta' me, you know that? When're you gonna' let it go? I already told you it was nothing."

"I don't think that's true though, so would you just let me apologize?"

"I don't need you to apologize."

"Oh, you don't?"

"No. Because, like I said, I got over it. You should too."

"Yes, but I don't believe you."

"Why would I lie about it?"

"I have no idea. Your behavior is a bit…unusual at the moment."

He stopped to turn back and look at me, "Think so?"

"You're not yourself, by any means."

Gojyo seemed to ponder that, took another pull from his beer and a drag from his cigarette.

"So then. Will you allow me to apologize, or not?"

He said nothing.

I took the opportunity to say, "I'm sorry for making you angry, Gojyo. I think you're right—I was just taking my frustrations out on you, and that was certainly uncalled for. Those things I said aren't even necessarily the things that I think. They're the voice of my old self, I suppose, still trying to emerge when I… Well, in any case, it wasn't my intention to hurt your feelings, and I-"

"You didn't hurt my feelings."

"I didn't mean to _upset_ you."

We were back to silence, at once.

I waited a while before asking, "Aren't you going to say something?"

"Like what?"

"You could forgive me for instance."

"Yeah? Well, I don't."

Dumbfounded, I stared at him, possibly for an entire two minutes, before stammering, "W-hat? Why in the world not?"

"'Cause I didn't ask for your stupid apology. And 'cause that apology was bullshit. And, for the last time, you didn't upset me, so there's nothing to apologize about."

My frustration was starting to come back again, "Do you mean to tell me you really won't accept my apology? You intend to deny that we had any sort of altercation to begin with?"

"Pretty much."

"I beg your pardon, Gojyo, but you're acting incredibly childish about this whole thing."

No sooner had I spoke, the anger on his face came back to the surface, just as strong as the first time I'd seen it.

"Oh, gime' a break." He snapped. "You ain't sorry. You're just trying to make yourself feel better."

"Why would I need to do that?"

"Because you're like that. Wanna' point fingers and point out flaws? Fine. You get all guilty and bummed and then you can't live with yourself, so you hafta' do whatever you can to make yourself feel better. It's got nothing to do with how _I_ feel."

"That's not true, Gojyo."

"The hell it's not! You're always mopin' around, dwelling on shit, blaming yourself for shit, and then you turn around and take it out on _me_, and then you feel _so_ freakin' bad about it, there's nothing you can do to make yourself feel better!"

The words were a slap in the face, a stinging truth that pounded through me like being punched. I started to protest.

"Don't deny it!" He shouted. "It's not my fault you messed up!"

"You don't have to be so vicious, is all!" I practically shouted back, feeling something rip inside of me. "Your behavior pattern is so incredibly outrageous! I'm just trying to make this right, and you act as if you don't have a shred of civility in you-"

He lunged forward and grabbed me suddenly, jerking me toward him by the front of my collar, and then slamming me back, hard, into the wall, "Shut the fuck up!"

The wind was knocked out of me, and it took me a moment to catch my breath, "What do you think you're doing?"

"You think I'm such a goddamn animal? I'll tell you what, asshole, I can _be_ an animal if that's what you want! Say one more word to me about how uncivilized or pathetic I am, and I swear I'll knock your teeth out!"

"I didn't say _any_ of that!" I screamed, out of pure frustration and a bit of _desperation_ as well. If he hit me, I didn't know what I'd do. It could start a fight, and then I didn't know how I'd repair the damage I'd done.

"Yes you did! Right to my face, like an asshole! You know something? It's not my fault life's not perfect! It's not my fault things aren't the way you want them to be! Unless you wanna' blame me for saving your ass that night—so fine! It's my fault you didn't fall down on your face and fucking die, and now you have to go on living your unhappy, little emo life! You wanna' dump that shit on me? I can't stop you! _I'm_ not fucking _sorry_ for the way _I_ am! I shouldn't have to be!"

"Gojyo-"

"And I'm not sorry for how _you_ are either! You're a good dude when you're not letting the bullshit get you down! Am I a faggot for admitting that, Hakkai?!"

"Calm down." I said sternly. "I don't even know what you're yelling about anymore."

"Yeah right! Like you don't get it. You're all hyper-educated, well-bred, naturally smart and whatever, so maybe you _are_ too good to be around me, but it was _your_ idea to live together—don't forget that—and hell, I don't mind living with you, when you're _smiling_ anyway; you're the one who gets all passive aggressive! If you can't stand it, just go away! Just take off, like Banri did! Maybe all of you _are_ too good for this shit, I don't care! I don't have to put up with your shit—I'm not so pathetic and desperate and lonely that I'll let you walk on me when you're angry—so just go away! It's not my fault! Guess what? I didn't _ask_ to be born like this!"

For just a moment, he sounded almost frantic, and then he checked himself, suddenly, as if he were newly aware of what he was saying, scraped the hair away from his face, voice quieting substantially, and he sounded extremely tired. "Tch. Whatever. You're right—you're _always_ right, huh—people like me should know better than to expect other people to give a shit about their issues…."

I was silent in the face of it, the urge to fight back gone out of me, and at that point, if he'd hit me, I probably just would have stood by and allowed it, because now I was seeing the true depth of the pain I'd caused—the oozing wound I'd re-opened by mistake—and I felt like scum for it.

Perhaps Gojyo could see that, because he stared into my eyes a while, expression fading from outrage to resignation. Suddenly, he husked, "Sorry."

"What in the world are you apologizing for?" I demanded quietly.

"…I don't know. Throwing you against the wall."

I hesitated again. He seemed a little less guarded now, so I asked, "Did you think I meant _that_?"

"That? What?"

Was he trying to force me to say it out loud? I suppose I never had before, because it had seemed unimportant, but in these particular circumstances, I wondered if it might be even more detrimental not to say it than it would be _to_ say it.

"Did you honestly believe that when I spoke of your "background" I was referring to the fact that you're of mixed blood?"

Gojyo glared at me, but his expression hinted more at shame than it did at true anger. He lowered his eyes. "What the fuck else would you be talking about?"

"I was referring to the fact that, for some reason or another, you're completely alone in this world, just as I am."

He shifted his weight back and forth a few times before speaking, "Alone?"

"No family. No real friends. No home to go back to. An orphan—that's what I meant. You're background, meaning, you're an orphan. Like me."

"…You did?"

"Yes." I pried his hand from my shirt, "I wasn't meaning to commentate on your heritage by any means. I would…never, ever say that to you."

He just stared back at me, like he was trying to decide whether or not he should believe that.

I had learned, recently, that nothing affected him so deeply as being touched, and now I wondered if it wasn't because someone who wasn't too disgusted to touch him was few and far between. I suppose I had always been a bit naïve about the hanyou race. I'd thought little about them when I was younger, but now, I was beginning to see that it was all more complicated than I'd ever thought. Even when I'd met Gojyo and seen that he was a hanyou, I'd told myself 'I don't care, so it hardly matters'. Today, I'd learned that, even if I didn't care, it still mattered.

I put my hand on his shoulder, squeezing firmly, "I mean it. I would never say anything about that."

His expression relaxed a little.

"You and I are friends; even if our relationship has been short, I think it's been a bit tumultuous. We've been through a lot together in just a few months, and it means something to me, the friendship we have. I would never want to jeopardize it over something like race, and I would never purposely trivialize it. I was angry earlier, at everything, and I took that out on you when I shouldn't have, and I'm sorry for that, but I did _not_ mean _that_."

He didn't say anything for a long moment.

"In the future, please try not to jump to _that_ conclusion, even if it's what you're used to. After all, do you think it's impossible for people to judge you on things other than your blood."

"No…" He studied the floor a moment, swallowed hard, and forced a grin, "Guess…I blew it outta' proportion, huh?"

"Not at all." I returned gently, "It would be a painful thing to have trespassed against, particularly if the trespasser was supposed to be a friend."

The smile faded again, "You were just so damn pissed off… It's freaky when you're like that."

"I'm sorry." I left my hand on his shoulder, in spite of myself. Ever since I'd killed the youkai at Hyukuganmaoh's castle, I'd been feeling as if I didn't have the right to touch anyone, but I'd also realized that if Gojyo responded best to touch, I might have to make some effort to suppress that inhibition. It seemed extreme to say that, otherwise, he might never believe that I gave a damn about him, but I thought that was more than likely the unfortunate truth. It was slightly ironic to me, the thing I was so reluctant to give was the thing he most adamantly craved.

"I'm afraid I still have a good many things to deal with in my own mind, and I'd appreciate your patience. In the meantime, I'll do my best not to make you the recipient of my negativity."

He hooked his arm around my neck, and I knew he'd already let it go, but genuinely this time.

I went on, inexplicably, "In all honesty, I've never understood how people could continue smiling, even in the gravest of circumstances."

"You kidding me? You're like the master of that."

"I'm not sure that's necessarily true. I think for instance that _you're_ rather good at smiling when you don't feel like it."

"My life's really not that bad."

I chuckled a little, "You're an optimist, aren't you, Gojyo?"

"I guess, maybe."

"Ah. I, unfortunately, am a dreadful pessimist."

"No way."

"It's true, I'm afraid. At any rate." I pulled away and turned to face him, "Shall we put this unpleasant misunderstanding behind us?"

"Hell, I'll do you one better, pal, let's just forget it ever happened, okay?"

"Oh, I'm not sure _that's_ our best course of action. After all…if we put it out of our minds completely, how can we be expected to learn from it?"

Gojyo met my gaze, looking unexpectedly pensive, "Right…"

I smiled sadly, "It's quite a trick, isn't it? Remembering something painful without allowing the regret consume you?"

"…Yeah…"

"Oh, but you'll have to excuse me, really. Speaking of regret. I can be so tactless at times. I hate to be so persistent, but I would most appreciate it if you'd affirm that I've been forgiven for my stupidity. It goes without saying that I'm in no position to be making those sorts of comments. After all, I haven't the faintest grasp of what it would be like to be you."

Gojyo laughed suddenly, "It's okay, buddy. I forgive ya'."

"I'm inexpressibly relieved." I bowed a bit.

He knocked me lightly in the forehead, and his voice and expression was just a touch more serious as he said, "You probably get it better than you think you do…"

I didn't quite understand what he meant at first, and he didn't give me a chance to ask before turning and walking away from me.

As I watched him go, I slowly reached up to feel the power limiters on my ear.

"Maybe so."


	21. Chapter 21

**This was meant to be light-hearted and cheerful-ish, but turned a little bit emo, in its own way. Not like, ragingly emo, but still, a little on the bittersweet side. In the end though, I did want to do something for Christmastime, so I went ahead and posted it.  
>Did some research for this one, but honestly, I can't promise that it's all going to make sense or be accurate. I don't have a great deal of faith in the information I get off the internet…<br>Anyway, Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Happy Hanukkah etc. to you all, and may it be better than my own.**

Hakkai's Christmas

"Fuck Christmas Eve."

"It's not that bad." Bao-zhi decided, sipping off his whiskey.

I shotgunned mine, poured another double right away. "It _is_ that bad. Where're all the guys? At home making love to their girlfriends. Where're all the girls? They're all starry-eyed 'cause it's Christmas Eve, so they're out looking for a respectable man they can have a romantic evening with. There's nobody to play cards with, and no chicks to screw."

Bao turned to raise his eyebrow at me, "If you could _hear_ what you said just now…"

"It's true—just look at this place." I gestured to the bar around us, "It's totally dead. Nothing but a handful of loser old men who either never got married, or whose wives died, and they're all so fucked up, they wouldn't even be good to play a game of cards with."

"You know there's more to life than fucking and gambling, don't you?"

"Sure. We got whiskey, don't we?" I saluted to him with my next shot, then took it in a swift gulp.

Bao made this 'that's true' kind of face, took another sip from his glass and smacked his lips. "What I'm saying is, maybe you oughta' get yourself a girlfriend, and then Christmas Eve wouldn't suck so much."

"_What_? Did you just say what I think you said?"

"That _you_ should think about at least _trying_ the g-word? Yeah."

"Why the hell would I put myself through the agony of dealing with the exact same girl over and over?"

"Maybe because you're twenty years old now, and that's what people do."

"It's not what _I_ do. I don't do commitment and relationships and that shit, and you know it."

"I know. I was just suggesting you give it a try. It's a lot more _normal_. Not to mention, more responsible. And who knows. You might like it."

"Pft. Yeah _right_. I might like it if some chick nails my cock to the wall? No thank-you. By the way, I couldn't help noticing _you_ don't have anybody in your life either, Bao."

"Not right now. But I _have_ in the past. I'm almost forty, Goj—I've tried relationships, so I have something to base my opinion of them on."

"It must not be a very high opinion, if you're choosing to spend the last half of your life alone."

He snorted, "It's different for everyone. I'm just suggesting you try it for yourself so you can figure out if it's right for you or not."

"I don't need to. I know it's no good for me just by looking at it."

"All right. Well, just be careful—you don't want to wind up being lonely and bitter some day, and the next twenty years are gonna' go by really fast, Goj."

I took another shot, heaved an exasperated breath, "Ah, shaddup. What's it to you?"

He grinned a little—Bao-zhi's grin always made me think of a wolf, all toothy and sharp, with his eye patch and his long nose—turned his one good, pale eye on me, "People might start thinking you're gay, if you keep hanging out with nobody but Hakkai all the time."

My face flushed with outrage at the suggestion, "Like who? I don't hang out with Hakkai all the time—we live together—"

"You live with a guy and you don't have a girlfriend."

"But I ain't _fucking_ the guy! I fuck chicks! People _see_ me fuck chicks!"

"Well, we see you taking chicks home. What you do with them when you get there, nobody knows."

"What the hell else would I do with 'em?"

"I have no idea. Maybe they watch you and your boyfriend get it on." He laughed.

"He's not my boyfriend! Geez, can't a guy have a room mate?"

"Having a room mate isn't the problem—_not_ having a girlfriend, ever, is the part that looks suspicious."

"Fuck you, man. I'm not gay—I just don't dig the commitment thing, okay?"

He laughed for another minute or two before settling down and resting his hand on my shoulder, and then his voice was suddenly really serious. I wasn't expecting it. "You should try not to put so many limitations on yourself, kiddo'."

I looked back at him, steadily, and I knew exactly what he meant, but I just scoffed, "What limitations? I can't help it if I don't like commitment."

"You know what I'm talking about. It's not fair to you, Goj."

"Whatever. It's not about that." I took another shot, a little slower this time.

"If you say so." He stood up suddenly, "I'm going to head out—there's nothing going on around here."

"You can say that again. Stupid Christmas Eve."

"Maybe you better head home too, huh, Hot Shot? No point sitting here, getting drunk by yourself."

"It ain't late—besides, there's nothing better to do."

"Might as well go home and have a few drinks with Hakkai; he's the only person you ever really wanna' hang out with anyway, right?"

"Screw off, would'ja? We live together: no shit we see each other a lot."

Chuckling he ruffled my hair, and then he slapped some money down on the bar, and I saw it was more than enough to cover both our bills. "Hey, what the hell, Bao? That's one helluva' tip for the bartender."

"Merry Christmas, Goj." He was already walking away, and no matter what I said, he wouldn't come back. Before I knew it, he was out in the snow, heading down the street, so I finished my drink, sat a little longer, thinking, and then got up and left too.

It was snowing lightly, and the night sky was cloudy—I couldn't even see the moon, and the sky was pitch-black. The streets were silent, but the lights in the buildings around me were still on, and whenever I passed a house I'd hear laughing or singing, and I knew everyone else had some reason to celebrate. To me, it was just another normal night without a good screw.

Oh well. It only came once a year—things would be back to normal tomorrow night, so why worry about it? I figured I might as well go home, maybe play some cards with Hakkai, for the hell of it, and then go to bed. I could live with that.

What was the deal with Christmas Eve anyway? I didn't see the fascination with it—presents and Christmas Cake and chicken and all that shit—and I never had. I'd spent the last eight Christmas Eves all by myself, and I couldn't remember what the twelve before that had been like, but if they were anything like all the other days of my childhood, maybe I didn't really want to.

If it came out of my childhood, it had to be either lonely or painful, and that was just the truth, not me bitching about it. I wouldn't bitch about Christmas Eve if you were gonna' pay me to—it wasn't worth it.

Walking home in the cold wasn't so bad, and it wasn't that late yet. Ten? It was just such a shame I hadn't run into a chick to keep me warm tonight, but I wasn't kidding with Bao. Christmas Eve came around, and all the girls had boyfriends, out of nowhere, or they were out looking for one. They weren't looking for a cheap one-night-stand with the guy everybody in town knew wasn't going to hang around, they wanted something fancy and romantic and expensive, something Christmasy and dreamy. Like a damn miracle or something.

I think, last year, I found a girl to bang, but she was upset with me in the morning, probably because she knew all her friends had spent the night under a Christmas tree and got a bunch of cutesy stuff handed to them on a silver platter, right before some guy went down on them. She wasn't satisfied with wham, bam, thank-you, ma'am at all.

Not like I really cared, but I had definitely learned that if I wanted to get laid on Christmas Eve and not get slapped in the morning, I might as well just get a hooker, and this year, I didn't have the money for that.

When the house was in sight, I stopped dead in my tracks. That couldn't really be my house—it was in the right spot and everything, but it couldn't actually be _my_ place. There were colorful lights hanging all along the roof, the tree in the front yard was wrapped from top to bottom with them too, a star capping the peak off, and there were a few cheap-looking snowman decorations in the front yard, grinning with round, coal teeth and waving with their plastic-shit mittens. Someone had built a real snowman next to the fake ones. It was sloppy, droopy-eyed, with a daikon radish for a nose instead of a carrot, and uneven, spindly arms. As I passed it, I gave it a long, suspicious look. Was that _my_ scarf around its neck?

"Pffffffft… Go figure."

Oh well. I should have expected some shit like this.

I opened the door, struck immediately by the intense warmth of the air and the overwhelming scent of something sweet. There were voices in the kitchen.

"I'm back." I called, yanking my coat off and throwing it to the side, "Hey, what's-?"

I hesitated to glance around the house. It was decorated like a kindergarten class had come through on a field trip and had been given permission to do whatever the fuck they wanted in my living room. Ornaments were hung from the ceiling off of strings, there were red and green ribbons, beads, sparkling lights, garland, fake snow, tinsel, wreaths, holly—you name it, it was hanging off my walls and ceiling. There was this hand-knit red and green and white throw over the back of my couch, and I was standing on a plush rug that said 'MERRY XMAS' in bright red letters.

"What the fuck?"

I gawked around a little longer, wondering if I'd wandered into the wrong house.

In one corner of the room, someone had set up a tree, wrapped it with all the same kind of garbage that was cluttering my house, wound in lights that didn't even match, with crappy, cheap ornaments—seriously. This was not the kind of Christmas tree you saw in the window at the department store. It had popcorn strings and handmade ornaments on it and it looked sort of God-awful. There were a handful of presents sitting under it, and they were probably the nicest part of the whole set up. Sitting on a table next to the tree was a gingerbread house, a couple stories high, all decked out with frosting snow and peppermint windows.

"What the fuck?" I muttered again, sort of stumbling back and trying to keep my balance. I didn't see my magazines or cds or clothes or any of my shit, actually, anywhere.

Hakkai came in from the kitchen, laughing, "Oh, you're home. I didn't think you were coming back tonight."

I glared at him. He was wearing a green and white Christmas sweater, and he looked way too happy. I wanted to strangle him the second I saw him.

"Why wouldn't I come back? I live here."

"Ah, yes, but I thought you'd be spending the night elsewhere…well, it hardly matters. Come and say hello to Goku."

"Goku's here? Why? What happened to my house? What's all this crap?"

"_Our_ house." He corrected, cheerfully, "And it's just a little festivity."

I blinked at him, still not believing this was happening to me, not sure if I should scream about it or just let it go.

Hakkai's smile didn't fade away, but it did turn slightly apologetic. "I didn't think you'd mind."

"I don't mind."

"You look annoyed."

"No." I glanced around the house one more time. "I'm just…surprised."  
>"I'm sorry—I didn't mean to surprise you."<br>"Whatever. You live here too, so… Whatever."

"It will all be taken down day after tomorrow, of course."

"Don't worry about it." I said, as sincerely as I could, and then I followed him into the kitchen.

Goku was sitting at the table, surrounded by piles of construction paper and glue and glitter and markers and all the other kind of kiddy arts and crafts shit I thought I'd never see in my house. It sort of had me scowling again. He was wearing a sweater too, but his was purple, and he had a red and white Santa hat on his head.

When I came in, he beamed up at me, "Hey Gojyo! You're home!"

"Damn straight I am, so clear that shit off my table and get me a beer." I was only half-joking with him.

"I can't. I gotta' finish this." He went back to his construction paper, intently.

I sighed and got a beer for myself. This was not going very good. Not getting laid was bad enough, but coming home to find that Hakkai had turned my house into a winter-fucking-wonderland was _really_ annoying.

I don't know why exactly. I was a bachelor. I didn't decorate for Christmas and make gingerbread houses and put tasteless junk up all over. Christmas Eve came and went, every year, unrecognized, and that was totally fine with me.

"Um, what the hell is going on?" I asked suddenly.

Hakkai was busy at the stove, "Oh, I just thought it would be nice if Goku got to do a little celebrating this Christmas."

"Right. And he couldn't decorate the living shit out of the temple?"

He just laughed, like I was kidding, "I doubt Sanzo would have allowed it. He's not nearly as easygoing and understanding as you are."

Obviously he was trying to smooth the whole thing over—manipulating me like a total pro—because, damn, I did _not_ want to act even a _little _bit like Sanzo.

I grinned, determined not to show how disappointed I was that I didn't get to spend Christmas Eve the way I wanted to, because now I'd have to put up with the kid hanging around and Hakkai being all…housewife-ish. I sat down next to Goku and started smoking, "Eh, the temple would look like shit with a tree in the middle of it anyway."

Just like how _my_ house looked like shit with a tree in the middle of it. Why the hell do people put up trees for Christmas anyway?

I remembered that Jien and I put a tree up once, when we were kids. I could barely remember that year though, or why we'd never done it again, but it was probably my fault. The only other thing I remembered about Christmas trees was how it felt, being twelve years old, and walking past some fucking family's house and looking through their window at all the warm lights and the decorations and the smiling, happy faces as they opened their stupid presents together.

_Stupid, fucking Christmas Eve._

"I never knew people decorated for Christmas." Goku announced suddenly. "It's so cool! Hakkai said we could put up anything we wanted, so he bought all kindsa' ornaments an' lights an' stuff."

I couldn't help shooting another glare at Hakkai. I couldn't believe he'd gone out and wasted all day buying shit just for Goku to string up around the house. _Why_?

"Isn't it cool?" Goku demanded. "First! We made th' snowman!"

"With _my_ scarf." I grumbled.

Hakkai was quick to answer. "The scarf you never wear, I might add."

"Then we decorated th' outside, 'cause Hakkai said we should do that b'fore it got dark. Then we made the gingerbread house. Then we decorated _inside_. Then, when it started getting' dark, we put up the tree. Isn't it great?"

He sounded so damn happy about the whole thing…

I tried not to say anything mean. "Yeah. So…what're you doing now?"

"Makin' Christmas cards." Already he was back to coloring on his red construction paper. "I don't have any money ta' buy stuff for people, so I thought I'd make ev'rybody some cards."

"Sanzo'll love it."

He missed the sarcasm in my tone completely and went on jabbering. "Ya' think so? I ain't made his yet—I dunno' what ta' put on it—but I wanna' make it reeeally cool. Think he'll like it?"

"Oh sure. You guys ain't gotta' fridge up there, right?"

Goku turned to give me a long, confused look, "Not really. Why?"

"You're supposed to stick crap like that on the fridge…or some shit…I guess. I dunno'." I glared over at our fridge. It had some notes and magnets Hakkai had hung up and changed out regularly.

Mom's fridge had always been cluttered with Jien's report cards and drawings and whatever else he handed her. I could still remember the card he made her when he was eleven, with the drawing of all three of us inside, and the way she looked at it and cried and tore it up later, when he wasn't looking. I didn't have to be a genius to know why…

Goku was frowning at Hakkai now, "We don't have a fridge at the temple, Hakkai."

"Well, there are other places it can be kept, I'm sure."

"Like where?"

"The wall, perhaps? Or Sanzo may put it on his desk. I can't say for sure. However, you shouldn't let the lack of a refrigerator distress you."

I guess it was enough to satisfy him, because Goku went back to coloring. "What kindsa' stuff do people do on Christmas Eve, Hakkai?"

"Besides turning their room mate's house into a living nightmare?" I said under my breath.

"Oh, a lot of things. Play games, for instance. Some people like to go caroling. More than anything, it's just a good time for family to be together."

"Family." I sniffed. "Family's got nothin' to do with Christmas. It's all about the romance."

Goku was folding his card now, looking thoughtful, "Romance?"

"Stupid chicks think Christmas Eve is the best time to hook up with some dude, because then he has to buy her all kinds of ridiculous, cutesy shit, and treat her like a goddamn princess until the sun comes up. Like it's gonna' be some kind of movie-ending, miraculous, holiday special. They want cake. They want chocolates. They want flowers. They want an f-in' ring. It goes on and on."

By the time I was done, they were both studying me with cocked eyebrows, so I took a swig off my beer and snorted, "Well, it's true. Stupid chicks."

Hakkai smiled winningly at Goku, "Christmas Eve is whatever you want it to be, Goku. You see, it's not about what's 'right' to do on Christmas Eve, it's about what you want to do, and who you want to spend it with. Naturally, I've had my share of romantic Christmases."

His tone dropped when he spoke those words, and his eyes drifted away, turning a little bit sad. Stupid, fucking Christmas Eve was gonna' make Hakkai all gloomy now, and that was going to suck.

He didn't stop smiling though, and it only took him a second to bounce back.

I was surprised as hell.

"But, certainly, romance is not the only thing to be achieved on Christmas Eve. When I was a child, there was a heavy religious influence to Christmas Eve, but that wasn't all we'd do. The town usually donated a large tree to the orphanage, and all the children would participate in decorating it. Sometimes, we'd even exchange our own hand-made gifts. Every year, we were allowed to hang up stockings, in hopes that Santa-San would leave something for us to find in the morning."

"I bet you always got coal." I laughed.

"Santa-San?" Goku's eyes were glowing. You'd think he was five, not fifteen. "Who's that?"  
>"Ah, Santa-San is the man who spends all of Christmas Eve delivering gifts to the good children of the world."<p>

I leaned back in my chair, "I always thought Hoteiosho was the one who took presents to the kids."

"Who's that?" Goku asked again.

"Hoteiosho is a monk-"

"Like Sanzo?"

"Well…not precisely like Sanzo…no."

"Hoteiosho's a nice guy." I explained. "Not an asshole. Plus, he's got eyes in the back of his head."  
>"Hm." Goku smiled and leaned his chin against his hand, "Sometimes I think Sanzo's got eyes on th' back of <em>his<em> head."

"Yeah right. That guy is _not_ that special. Either way, he ain't no Hoteiosho…or _Santa_ for that matter."

"They're one in the same, I believe, it's all a matter of personal preference on what you want to think and what you wish to say."

"But he gives people presents?" Goku demanded. "Some guy runs around and brings presents ta' everybody?"

"Well…so they say. You see, according to popular culture, children who have been good all year are permitted to write a letter to Santa-San, and then, hopefully, they'll be granted their heart's desire on Christmas morning."

"Don't get too caught up in that." I puffed, "Goddamn Santa-San never brought _me_ shit." I don't know why I didn't just go ahead and tell him none of it was real. I guess it wasn't my style.

"I presume that's because you were an obnoxious, crass, naughty little boy, and in many ways, still are."

"Yeah, well what did Santa-San ever bring _you_, Hakkai?"

"Coal, mostly."

Goku laughed suddenly, "You guys don't actually believe that stuff, right? It's all a joke, yeah?"

We both turned to look at him.

"It's for children." Hakkai decided, at last, "Still, the symbol of Christmas is important, whether you believe in Santa-San, or prescribe to a more religious type of holiday, or if you simply enjoy the commercial aspects—that is to say, romance and cake and gifts. It hardly matters: everyone keeps Christmas in his own way, but the important thing is that it's a time of good will and generosity, family and friendship; it's a day when-"

"Christmas is stupid." I interrupted, getting up to grab another beer. "All that bullshit about good will and generosity and family and whatever. It's all as much crap as Santa-San and his magic deer. Christmas is just another stupid day, when people all over the world go out and spend way too much money on pointless garbage like trees and ornaments and presents. Some fat bastard somewhere thought up Christmas so he could make money off the saps and religious fanatics."

They were both staring at me again, and Hakkai looked mildly disapproving. He shrugged and said, "I suppose cynicism is another way to keep Christmas, so to speak. To each his own."

I sat back down to drink my beer, and everyone was quiet. I didn't know if I'd fucked up their mood or not. I wasn't trying to. I just thought Hakkai was full of shit, telling the kid all that warm, fluffy crap. It's not like he had parents or something, and I doubted spending Christmas in the orphanage was a great time, filled with generosity and friendship and blah blah blah. Personally, I couldn't think of one, single, good Christmas Eve in my entire life—all of them had been totally lacking in good will, generosity, friendship _and_ family.

Maybe once, there was a Christmas when Jien came up to my room, after he and Mom had spent the whole night laughing and eating Christmas Cake and fried chicken and having fun around the tree after I'd spent the first half of the day getting the snot knocked out of me. I sort of remembered him sitting down next to me on the edge of my bed and handing me some cheap-ass toy he'd bought with part of his allowance, and maybe some candy. That was it though. That was the generosity and peace on earth that had filled _my _Christmas, and that wasn't because it was some fruity holiday when people did shit like that. It was because Jien was my goddamn brother, and he probably spent his whole childhood feeling sorry for me.

A little angrily, I got up and walked across the house, back to the living room, and stared out the window. The snow was heavier now, and my breath left steam on the glass, the night was dark and empty, and I didn't see anything magical or wonderful or _happy_ about this stupid holiday.

Hakkai and Goku murmured in the other room for a few minutes, about the cards Goku was making and other Christmas-related garbage. Then Hakkai came to me. I felt him at my shoulder, lingering a moment before saying, "It's good weather for hot sake, don't you think?"

"Yeah." My voice was more sullen than I meant for it to be, and I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't figure out why this shit was bothering me so much, except that maybe it was just because I'd never had to really look it in the eyes and face it before. I wasn't stupid. I knew that having nothing but shitty memories of Christmas Eve meant I'd had a really shitty childhood. I just turned twenty, so technically I was only just now an adult, but every Christmas Eve that had ever come before this one had been cold and lonely, and that _would_ be okay, except that I couldn't help feeling a little bit jealous of the people who had it good, who'd always had somewhere warm and safe to go on Christmas Eve—whether they were with their family or their lover—the laughing families I'd stared at through windows. I didn't _want_ to be angry and jealous, but it pissed me off that there was a holiday that was devoted to rubbing it in my face that I'd never had anyone important in my life, and that I still didn't, even now. Bao-zhi told me I should try having a girlfriend, and it was true that if I did, I'd have someone to at least be with on days like Christmas Eve and New Year's and Valentine's Day, but…why bother committing to that kind of shit? Commitment was a two-way thing—even I knew that—and deep down, I knew how stupidly, blindly loyal I could be, if I didn't watch myself, and the last thing I wanted was to get all attached to some tart, just for her to find out I was a hanyou and leave me over it. Call it a weakness, if you want, but I didn't think I could really deal with that.

So fuck New Year's and Valentine's Day, and fuck Christmas Eve, and all the people who celebrated it. They had no idea what it was like to be alone. Not just _alone_ because that's where they happened to be at this point in their lives, but alone because it was their fate to be isolated, unwanted and unloved. How many people could actually say that and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was really the truth?

I accepted that fate as my own a long, long time ago, and I didn't dwell on it, but on days like this…days devoted to being with so-called 'loved ones', could anybody blame me for being just slightly bitter or for not being completely on board with the whole thing?

Hakkai was talking again, "I didn't mean for all of this to upset you."

"I'm not. What makes you think I'm upset?"

"Because you're frowning like you do when you're upset. Not to mention that bitter speech you gave us in the kitchen."

I shrugged, "I don't like Christmas, that's all—I'm not _upset_ about it, I just don't care about it at all."

"I really thought you'd be gone all night, you see: that seemed to be your intention when you left earlier. Even so, I didn't realize you'd be so unhappy with Goku and I observing a few traditions on Christmas Eve."

"For the last time." I turned to him, "I'm not unhappy—it's okay—you guys can do whatever you want. It doesn't matter."

Hakkai was looking back at me, a little sadly, I thought, and he lowered his voice, "You see…it's just that…Goku's never done anything like this before. If it's true what Sanzo said about him being locked away for years, then it stands to reason that he's never observed any aspect of Christmas—or any holiday, for that matter—or that he even knew it existed until very, very recently."

I stared at him a while, half of me surprised he'd thought of that, and the other half shocked that I hadn't.

"So I thought…perhaps, in spite my own…misgivings about Christmas—that is to say, my reluctance to observe it, due to recent tragedies and slightly less recent memories—it might be fun for him, playing around and listening to silly, made-up, romantic ideas. He's completely new to all of it, even the concept of playing in the snow.

"It's safe to say, he's had a very lonely past, which I must admit I don't consider every day, being that he's always so cheerful, but I thought I might at least give him the chance, and the initial experience, and then he'll be able to form his own opinions. In the very least, he'll have made a good memory."

Slowly, I turned to look at the kid, who was scribbling away in the kitchen, humming along with the Christmas music Hakkai had playing, totally oblivious to the fact that we were talking about him, and I guess I hadn't thought about that…any of it, at all, but Hakkai was right.

Goku's past was even lonelier than _mine_, and here I was, throwing a fit about some ornaments, because I didn't really like the memories they gave me. All along, even if my life wasn't perfect, I'd at least had my freedom to roam around and do whatever I wanted. Goku didn't even have that.

It made me feel sort of like an asshole.

Eventually, Hakkai said, "I don't fully understand your reasons for the sentiments you have toward a holiday that _was_ originally created in the spirit of thanksgiving, kindness and generosity, regardless of what it is here and now, and I certainly don't expect you to participate, or even _enjoy _it, necessarily. I just thought I would apologize for just assuming this would be all right with you, and remind you that you're welcome to join us, if you like."

I scraped the hair out of my face, "Am I really throwing that much of a fit about it?"

"No, not at all. It seems to me that you're just strangely unnerved by all of this. You should have seen your face when you came in—like a deer in the proverbial headlights."

Did Christmas make me nervous? I'd never thought of it that way, but I guess, in a way, I could see what he was talking about. I'd spent so much time being forced to stay outside of it, I wasn't really expecting to just walk into it out of nowhere.

"I don't really know what to do." I admitted, finally.

"You don't have to do _anything_, if you don't feel like it. It's not as if there's some quota for Christmas cheer."

"I don't wanna' bum you guys out."

"Somehow I doubt you ever possibly could, Gojyo. You're not exactly a bummer, by nature."

Once again, I looked around the house, feeling kind of stupid about the whole thing. No one had ever made me a part of their Christmas Eve before, so maybe it wasn't just a matter of wandering into it unexpectedly. Maybe I couldn't get it out of my head that I didn't belong, and that left me not knowing where to go.

Hakkai spoke up again, like he'd read my thoughts, "Come have some sake with me."

"I guess. If that's okay…"

He cocked his head and gave me an odd look, and somehow I knew exactly what he was thinking too, because it's what anyone would think. _Gojyo acts like some abused, little kid_. Maybe some day I'd have to tell him that I was. Used to be.

I almost backed out at the last second, and then he suddenly smiled, "Don't you know an invitation when you hear one? Stop being so nervous about nothing, and let's go."

There wasn't so much as a hint of mockery in any of that.

He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to the kitchen, where Goku was waiting for us, smiling hugely. Immediately, he got to his feet, thrust a scrap of red construction paper at me, "Here! Merry Christmas!"

I took it from him, a little bit slowly, and Hakkai went to heat up the sake. "Um, thanks."

The front was decorated with candy canes and drawings of Christmas cake and gingerbread men, and a bunch of other food stuff, and he'd written Merry Christmas on it in big, red and green striped letters. Inside were more doodles of food, trees with lights, snowmen, and weird drawings of him and me, standing in the snow, which was his new favorite thing, since I'd shown him that it wasn't scary. Looking at it made me feel like even more of an asshole than before.

I wrinkled my eyebrows at it, "Not an artist, huh, monkey?"

"Hey, jerkface! I worked on that a long time, so don't make fun of it!"

"No, seriously. You need to work on your proportions and realism and shit."  
>That confused the living hell out of him. "Wassat?"<p>

I laughed. "Don't worry about it."

"Now, now, Gojyo." Hakkai handed me a cup of sake, "Don't tease Goku like that—it was very nice of him to make you a card at all."

"Yeah, yeah, thanks a lot, chimpy." I grinned and ruffled his hair, "Tell ya' what. I'm gonna' stick it over here on the fridge." I tacked it up with a magnet that was shaped like a house.

Goku's scowl melted off right away, "For real? Hey! You should leave it up there for a really long time!"

"Or just until Christmas is over. You know. Whatever makes the most sense."

"C'mon, please? You should leave it up for as long as I know ya'!"

I rolled my eyes and sipped off the sake. "Yeah, we'll see." With that, I slumped down into my chair, propping my boots up on the table, "Hey, how come Sanzo's not here? Don't tell me he's too good for a traditional Christmas Eve with the only friends he has."

"Ah, well…" Hakkai was sipping his sake too, "We tried to convince him to join us, but he said he wasn't interested in rolling around in the snow and hanging 'worthless junk' off of freshly cut trees."

So Sanzo got out of Christmas. Too bad I couldn't have.

Goku handed Hakkai his card, which was green—go figure—and my room mate accepted it with a gracious, "Oh, my, thank-you, Goku. It's wonderful." He reviewed it for what seemed like five minutes too long, probably just to make the kid feel good, and then he hung it up on the fridge with mine. By then, Goku was already coloring furiously on a piece of purple construction paper, which I figured was for Sanzo. I tried to take it from him to look at it, but he just screamed at me and covered it with his whole upper body until Hakkai finally told me to leave him alone.

"Whatever. I don't wanna' know about all your gay feelings for Sanzo anyway."

"You're such a jerk, Gojyo! Even on Christmas!"

"Well yeah. I'd never let a stupid, little thing like Christmas stop me."

"What about all that stuff Hakkai said about good will an' bein' nice an' stuff?"

"It doesn't apply to monkeys."

"I'm notta' monkey, ya' damn, mean-ass kappa!"

"You _draw_ like a monkey."

"Do not! Your card's way cool! Ya' didn't make _me_ a card at all!"  
>"I didn't have to."<p>

"Fine, I'll just take it back!"

"No way, I'm keeping it _forever_, remember?"

"Ya' can't. I want it back now. Now!"

"Good luck getting it."

"It ain't like ya' locked it up or somethin', it's right _there._"

"You can't just walk into my house and start taking shit off the fridge like that."

"It's _my_ card!"

"No it's not. Look—it's got my name on it, right there. I don't see _your_ name anywhere, monkey boy."

"Well." Hakkai said suddenly, pouring himself another glass of sake, "I'd say it's just about time for the fried chicken."

Goku shut his mouth for a split second, spun around to face Hakkai, and it fell open again, "Fried chicken?! We get ta' eat fried chicken?!"

"Of course, of course. It's a tradition. Everyone eats fried chicken on Christmas Eve. …What did you think I'd been cooking all this time?" He was already plating some up.

Goku rushed over and got back in his chair, shoved all his supplies off to the side, and tucked Sanzo's card away, carefully.

I'd totally forgot that people ate fried chicken on Christmas Eve.

"How come fried chicken?" Goku asked, squirming with anticipation. Or else he had to take a piss—who could tell?

"That's what they eat on Christmas Eve in the west." I told him, matter-of-factly. "Everybody knows that."

"Actually, unfortunately, that isn't exactly true." Hakkai set a plate of steaming, fried chicken down in front of me, "I believe they're more partial to roasted turkey as their holiday dinner in the west. The fried Christmas chicken is just a bit of misinformation."

"I guess you'd know." I snorted, and then I looked down at my meal. It looked pretty damn good. The chicken wasn't too greasy—but definitely greasy enough to be good—the skin was crisp, and there was even a side of mashed potatoes and a biscuit.

Goku was already inhaling his first helping, cramming biscuit and chicken and potatoes in his mouth uncontrollably.

I watched, mildly disgusted, "Hakkai…you probably shouldn't have invited the _monkey_ to dinner. He's gonna' eat us out of house and home."

"Nonsense." My room mate was having another round of sake, eating his fried chicken very civilly, with a fork and knife. "There's more than enough for everyone."

It turned out he was wrong. Goku ate more than half the fried chicken all by himself, and I had to fight just to get a second helping, and then he started going through the cupboards and the fridge, complaining that he was still hungry and whining when I tried to stop him. By the time it was finally over, our kitchen was a mess of dirty dishes and old chicken bones.

"You're right, as it turned out." Hakkai murmured, looking around. He was on his fifth or sixth round of sake by then. "I wasn't exactly prepared for that."

When Goku was done eating, he got out Sanzo's card again and went back to work on it. "Christmas is kinda' fun. Does it really happen ev'ry year?"

"Every year, at the same time." I grumbled.

"Next year, I hafta' get some money an' buy presents."

Hakkai chuckled, "That's very thoughtful, Goku, but it's not necessary. I for one believe Christmas is a good time to be grateful for what one already has."

Goku was quiet a long time, obviously trying to grasp that idea with his tiny, monkey brain.

I thought about it too. I wasn't really the kind of guy to reflect on what he already had and be super grateful for it, but I didn't know if that was because I was ungrateful, or just because I wasn't totally used to having stuff to be grateful for. Like people, for example. Having people to be grateful for in my life was still strange to me. Every now and then, I caught myself expecting them to just walk out on me without a word, even though, lately, I'd been telling myself that maybe I could afford to expect a little bit more than that from people.

Discreetly, I glanced at Hakkai and Goku. They really didn't seem like they would ever do something like that to me. Either of them. I would hate to be wrong.

"Oh, look at that." Hakkai commented. "It looks as if the snow has stopped."

Goku was on the run again, dashing for the door, stupid Santa hat bobbing as he went, "Let's go out an' have a snowball fight, Gojyo!"

"No way."

"Ah, Goku, remember to take your coat." Hakkai was going after him already.

"C'mon, Gojyo! I bet I can kick your ass!"

"You wish." Reluctantly, I found myself following them, and before I knew it, I was standing outside in the snow again. The sky was black as ink, but some of the clouds had cleared away, and a half-moon was shining through. The snow was spread thick and pure for as far as the eye could see, and the trees hedging around us were frosted with them so they looked almost blue against the darkness. I took a deep breath of clear, clean air, fog steaming from my mouth and nose.

Goku was running wild, through the trees and around the yard, leaping over stuff and shouting at the top of his lungs about some crazy shit. He ran a few tight circles around Hakkai, almost knocking him over, and took off again.

Hakkai just laughed, "Well, he seems to be having a good time."

"Crazy, little bastard." I lit a cigarette, in hopes of keeping warm, and realized I'd left my jacket inside, like an idiot. "Hopefully he'll just pass out."

Still, I watched him, feeling a vague touch of jealousy come back to me. I think I'd spent Christmas Eve curled up under a pile of old newspaper when I was fifteen.

No wonder it was hard to think of things to be grateful for.

I turned to my room mate again, "It was cool of you to do this for him."

Hakkai didn't flinch, or so much as look at me, "Perhaps some stupid part of me actually believes I can make up for my sins by doing nice things for others."

"Woah, dude. Way to be a downer."

"I apologize. I just have always had a hard time thinking of things to be thankful for around Christmas time."

"Yeah…"

"Still though. It's good to see Goku having fun. Somehow it makes me feel as if there might actually be hope."

"Hope?"

"Hope that everything I've ever heard about the joy and meaning of Christmas might actually be true."

"Wait a minute, don't tell me you're not buying into your own shit."

He laughed, "Well, I'm not necessarily the one who began promulgating it, and no, I can't say I believe it entirely. However." He grew serious again and looked up at the sky, "There is something about this year…it could be that I've found something to be grateful for again."

"I get that. I-hey, wait."

He gave me a questioning look.

"Do the people in the town think we're gay?"

"Who? You and I?" He burst out laughing.

"It ain't funny, 'Kai. Bao told me people think we're doing it."

"Of course, of course. It's a very serious matter." He was still laughing a little, not even trying to stop, as far as I could tell. "I wonder, why would they think that?"

"Because we live together, and we're both single and shit…I guess."

He laughed that much harder, "I've never thought of _you_ as being single. You're with everyone, more or less, wouldn't you agree?"

"I ain't with _you_."

"Personally, I've never heard of such a rumor, so I should think that Bao-zhi is just yanking your chain, so to speak."

"Either way, it's-"

A hard, wet snowball smacked me upside the head, almost knocking me face forward.

"Goddammit, Goku!" I grabbed my throbbing skull, whipped around to yell at him, "We're-"

Another one hit me square in the face, making my nose sting and getting snow in my eyes.

"You stupid monkey!"

He was standing just a few yards away, tossing a third snowball up in the air and catching it, looking cocky and ridiculous in his purple sweater and his little, gray coat. "C'mon, Kappa. Ya' can't be pissy all night."

"Who says I'm pissy?"

"Ya' don't hafta' _tell_ me you're pissy—I can just tell."

"Oo, I bet that makes you feel really special, huh?"

"Ev'rybody can tell when you're pissy. Ya' get all weird."

"What's that supposed to mean, 'all weird'?"

He smiled and got ready to throw the third snowball at me.

I dodged to the side, but I wasn't fast enough, and it hit me right in the chest, soaking my shirt.

"That does it! You're going down!" I crouched down to make up a snowball as fast as I could, lugged it at him, but it just grazed his ear. "Shit!"

Goku stuck his tongue out at me and took off running.

I was after him in a second, scrambling through the snow, grabbing some more of it up to make another ball. The next one hit him in the arm, just before he could get behind a tree, and then he was making more too.

We spent a couple of minutes throwing snowballs at each other, chasing each other around and around the house, tripping each other, wrestling in the snow until we were both soaked, and I was really wishing I'd thought to wear my coat out.

"Truce! Truce!" Goku screamed, when I was burying him in the snow.

I let him up with a snort, "That'll teach you, ya' little-"

He threw an armful of powder down the front of my shirt.

"Fuck! Shit! You asshole! What about the truce!" I tried desperately to shake out my shirt, but I was starting to feel cold and wet from head to toe, so it barely mattered.

"You're just stupid, Goj!" He laughed and knocked me down.

I landed hard, flopped around in the snow for a moment or two, while he took off running again, singing out, "Yoooou su-uck, Gojyooooo!"

I put together a sloppy snowball, but it zipped past his head without even rustling his hair.

"Ha-ha! You suck!"

"Shut up, you little prick! I've been drinking!"

"Oh, excuses." Hakkai sighed, standing over me.

I glared at him, "I don't wanna' hear it from you. You've had more than half that bottle of sake."

"And I assure you, I won't be getting beaned in the head with any wayward snowballs."

"We'll just see about that!" I sprang up and threw a snowball point-blank at his face, but he side-stepped it easily. In fact, he dodged the next five snowballs I threw at him, like I was a toddler throwing marshmallows.

"Goku!" I yelled, throwing another snowball, missing again, "Let's get Hakkai!"

"You crazy, Kappa? He'll kill us!"

"Oh, come on. You're not scared of _this_ guy, are you?"

Hakkai stood back, looking totally calm in the blazing, white, moonlit snow.

Beside me, Goku hesitated a little. "Naw, 'course not…. Are _you_?"

"No. Hell no! Let's massacre him!" I scooped up some snow, molding it into a compact ball until my hands were aching with cold.

Just a couple of minutes later, I was limping back inside, hair dripping, shirt sopping wet, shivering fiercely, my head and arms and chest all bruised and sore from getting smacked by so many damn snowballs. Goku didn't look much better. Wet hair was hanging in his eyes, and his sweater was clinging to him. He kept wiping his nose. My nose was bleeding, and it looked like maybe his was too.

"You should have worn your coat." Hakkai said cheerfully from his place next to me. He looked dry and smug.

"Shaddup. What kinda' machine are you anyway?"

To that, he just laughed.

Goku and I flopped down on the couch, side by side; I scraped wet hair from my eyes, and the kid was getting his nose to stop bleeding. "Hakkai." He whined, after a few minutes, "When're we gonna' eat the cake?"

I glanced up at Hakkai, who was standing over us like he owned the whole world, "You bought a Christmas cake?"

"Naturally. They're common enough to have, don't you think?"

I didn't answer. Over the years, the one thing about Christmas I'd never gotten to try, and in many ways, the only part of it I'd ever _wanted_ to try, was the cake. Mom used to buy really small ones, just for her and Jien to split, and she'd always made sure he finished it all, just so I wouldn't get any. I could still remember how it felt to sit and watch them eat Christmas cake together, and the way I'd always wanted some, ever since then, not just because it looked so good, but because, like everything else about Christmas, it seemed so…welcoming and inviting.

But I'd never been welcomed or invited to have any, and by the time I was able to buy my own, I either didn't have the money, or I didn't see why I should bother, and over time, I'd told myself it didn't matter anymore. I guess I'd given up on ever getting to have some.

It was really stupid and childish, but I couldn't help that. I wasn't in control of all my pathetic issues.

In the end, there was still some idiotic part of me that wanted to give Christmas cake a shot. If I even could.

Hakkai and Goku were in the kitchen already, Goku chattering away, Hakkai laughing a little and reminding him to mind his manners.

I got up off the couch, a little slowly, cold hands shoved deep in my pockets, trying to figure out what to say that wouldn't make me sound really needy and pathetic. "Uh. So…how much's there?"

Hakkai responded without turning to me, "How much of what? The cake? I think there should be enough…assuming Goku is able to control himself."

That didn't tell me too much. Did he get a cake just for the two of them? I remembered that he hadn't been expecting me to come home, so I probably shouldn't expect there to be enough cake to share with me.

"Cool, so, mind if I just…dunno', try a bite of yours? "

Hakkai turned around, holding a small plateful of cake and looking confused, "You don't want your own piece?"

"Oh. I dunno'. Whatever's convenient for you, dude, I don't really care."

He was giving me this look like I was totally whacko, and he handed the plate to me, "Here."

"No, that's okay. I don't wanna' take your piece or anything."

"What in the world are you going on about, Gojyo? That's yours."

I looked down at it.

"It is?"

"I said I got enough for everyone, didn't I? Even if I didn't expect you home tonight, I meant to save some food for you, you know. I wouldn't intentionally leave you out."

I couldn't think of anything normal to say to that—I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't be screaming 'Gojyo has major issues'.

Then again, maybe it wouldn't exactly matter. In the short time we'd known each other, I'd seen that Hakkai had _tons_ of issues—being an orphan like me and losing Kanan were just the beginning—so was I really expecting him to judge me by how messed up I actually was?

I couldn't think of any reason for him _not_ to.

Finally, I shrugged, "Yeah, no. I just didn't wanna' be some presumptuous asshole."

"Ah, you're right of course. Expecting your own piece of Christmas Cake is quite a pretentious move." He handed me a fork.

Instead of taking a bite, studied the cake a moment. It did look really fucking good, covered with whipped cream and strawberries and shit. I knew it was just a normal piece of sponge cake, but still…there was something almost forbidden about it. Something that made me wonder if I was actually allowed to have it.

"Just eat it." Hakkai said, going to sit down.

Goku was on the couch again, sitting up on the back of it, so that the cushion sagged under him, bouncing a little, whipped cream and strawberry sauce smeared around the corner of his mouth, and there were just a couple bites of cake left on his plate. He grinned, "Yeah, what's the big deal? It's _really_ good. Don't'cha like cake?"

"Sure, I like cake. I'm-"

"So eat it! You're bein' so weird, just standing there, lookin' at it."

"Gime' a break." I snapped, "Excuse me for not just _absorbing_ it like you did." And then I took a bite, just so they'd shut up and leave me alone. It was as good as it looked.

Goku smiled big and laughed, crammed the last piece of cake in his mouth and sprang up, suddenly, running to the kitchen, "I'm havin' seconds!"

I heard him rattling around, and then it sounded like a dish broke, followed by a low, "Oops."

"Stupid monkey." I muttered, sliding to the floor to sit with my back against the wall. I looked up at Hakkai, who was calmly eating his cake, not concerned about whatever Goku had just broken.

"Did you have Christmas Cake in the orphanage?" I asked, arbitrarily.

"Hm. No. The sisters were unable to afford it, obviously. Up until I met Kanan, I hadn't had Christmas Cake since leaving my parents."

"Bummer."

"Oh, it hardly matters. Christmas Cake is a little too sweet for my tastes, and I see, for yours as well."

I glanced down at my piece again, almost expecting it to disappear on its own before I could have anymore. I guess I was acting pretty weird, so I started picking at it, trying not to seem too eager.

Goku raced past me, his plate loaded up with more cake than any person should ever have in one sitting, "If Gojyo doesn't want his, I'll take it!"

"Like hell you will. I'm eating it, see?"

Goku inhaled the rest of his cake, and then started screwing around under the tree, "Hakkai! I wanna' open my present! Can I? Can I?"

"Now, now, Goku. All in good time."

"What's in it? Huh? I wanna' see!"

"Well, I can't very well tell you, can I? It's a surprise."

"So leme' open it! Pleeeease?"

"Just a moment. I'd like to finish my cake first, if I may. And then I thought it might be fun if we told ghost stories."

I leaned my head back against the wall and started smoking, "What do ghost stories have to do with Christmas?"

"Just a bit of a lesser-known tradition. Ghosts and spirits are a common-running theme in western-type Christmases. However…if you'd rather, I suppose we could all sing carols."

"Story." I decided immediately.

"Very well then. Goku, please come and sit down. You can open that later."

Goku ran back to the couch to sit beside him, hugging his silver-wrapped present close to his chest and looking way too excited.

Hakkai finished his own cake, dabbed his mouth with a napkin, set his plate and fork aside, and began his story…

Fifteen minutes later, I was really, _really_ wishing I'd said caroling instead, staring hard at him, mouth hanging open, feeling like my eyes might pop out of my head, and I think I was even shaking slightly.

Goku looked totally freaked out too, cowering on the edge of the couch, holding his Christmas present tighter than ever so that the paper was crumpled and the bow was falling off.

Hakkai finished eerily, "But that all happened a very long time ago, you see, on a distant Christmas Eve from the past."

Then he laughed. _Laughed_.

We were all quiet a moment. I stammered, "W-woah, dude. What did _that_ have to do with _Christmas_? It was freaky as fuck!"

Hakkai smiled at me, brightly, "It took place on Christmas Eve, of course."

"So?! It was still _creepy!_" Goku squeaked. "Issit a true story?"

"I believe some parts of it may be true." Hakkai said thoughtfully, touching a finger to his chin.

"Like the part about the dead girl lookin' for her husband? Or how she haunts 'im an' kills 'im 'cause she sees him kissin' another girl under the what-cha-call-it?"

"Oh, I couldn't say for sure which parts are true. I do know another one, in which-"

"No more stories." I said, hastily, grinding what was left of my cigarette into my plate. There was still half a piece of Christmas cake on it, and I wasn't sure I was in the mood for the rest of it now. "That had absolutely nothing to do with Christmas, and _you_ are a creep, Hakkai."

My room mate gave me a puzzled look, "Well…if you insist. I suppose I don't have to tell another."

"Yeah, don't. Let the kid open his present or something. God _damn._" I got up and took my half-eaten cake to the kitchen, poured myself some more sake while I was there. What a ridiculous night. If this was what Christmas Eve was about then I wasn't even a little sorry that I'd missed out on it until now.

In the other room, Goku erupted into cheering and laughter.

I took the sake bottle and went back to see him dancing around the living room, draped in a mid-length, coffee-brown coat with a long, beige scarf, holding a little, white box up over his head. The wrapping paper and cardboard it had all come out of was strewn across the living room.

"Candy!" He was screaming. "It's candy!"

Hakkai was laughing and struggling to get his explanation in edgewise, "I rather thought you'd enjoy that. Also, since this is your first winter…er…that is to say, Sanzo informed me that you don't really have any winter attire to wear, and now that Christmas has come, the real cold weather is going to set in soon."

Goku didn't hear him. Or he didn't give two fucks about what he'd said. He was in hysterics over ten cheap peppermint sticks from the grocery store.

My room mate looked up at me with a shrug and an unbothered smile, "I knitted the scarf myself, but then, I suppose that doesn't matter much, does it?"

Shrugging back, I sat down on the couch, next to him, offered him the sake, and then slung my arm around his neck when he took it, "Anything labor-intensive is wasted on Goku."

"So it would seem."

"You coulda' just got him a couple packs of candy canes and he'd be ecstatic."

"Something to keep in mind for next year, I suppose."

"Next year." I sighed. "Right."

"Christmas Eve isn't really _that_ terrible, now is it?"

"It's worse than terrible. Anyway, I can't believe you knitted him a scarf. That's sorta' weird."

"I don't see why."

"Knitting is kinda' a chick thing to do, isn't it?"

"Oh, I don't believe so. Traditionally, women do more knitting than men do, but I don't think it's completely limited to their sex."

"Whatever. Just don't let the word get around that you sit home and _knit_. People are really going to start to think we're gay."

"Oh. Then you don't want the sweater I'm knitting you for Valentine's Day this year? I think it's rather lovely, personally—it's red with white hearts, and I'll make sure to stitch your name on the inside so you don't lose it."

I almost dropped my cigarette as I whipped around to stare at him, totally horrified. What should I say? 'Oh, God, please, no'? Or should I be polite and pretend that was _okay_?

Hakkai laughed at me suddenly and smacked me square in the forehead, "Blockhead. I'm not knitting you a sweater for Valentine's day. We're not a homosexual couple, after all."

I rubbed my head, still looking at him, slightly suspicious. "Uh. Right. No… You sure?"

"Yes, of course I'm sure. There are many aspects to a homosexual relationship which you and I lack. Anal sex being the most obvious, and also-"

"No! I mean, you're _really_ not knitting me a sweater, right? You're not just…saying that so I'll think you're not, or something?"

Hakkai laughed and laughed and almost fell off the couch, and patted me roughly on the cheek, and just said, "Oh, Gojyo."

But he never answered me.

Around that time, Goku finally got over the excitement of his candy and was paying attention to us again, "What's so funny, guys?"

"Hakkai's a fuckin' comedian." I grumbled, then asked, a little more desperately, "Seriously, 'Kai, you're not, right?"

Before he could answer, someone was knocking on our door, firmly too, like they were on official business.

"Shit." I jumped up, sloshing sake on my shirt, turned to the door. "What're the cops doing here?"

"I highly doubt it's the cops, Gojyo."

"They, _knock _like the cops."

"What'dya' think they want?" Goku asked, pressing close to me.

I glanced around the house, but it was just Christmas shit as far as the eye could see. "Fuck it… It's not like I've got something to hide anyway…"

Hakkai sighed and stood up, "Listen to you. It isn't the cops." He went to answer the door while Goku and me watched anxiously.

"Do th' cops come ta' your house a lot?" The monkey asked.

"Not recently." I muttered. Not since that damn Banri took off.

"For the last time, you two, it's not the police. What on earth would they want at this time of night, on Christmas Eve, no less?" He opened the door, to reveal Sanzo, standing there looking as cold and pale and inviting as the snow itself. "Oh. Good evening." Hakkai bowed.

I relaxed and took a sharp drag off my cigarette, "It's just the only damn thing _worse _than the cops. What the hell're you doing here?"

Sanzo answered stonily, "I came for my monkey, obviously."

"_Your_ monkey, now, huh?"

He glared at me, "What else would I want? You think I just stopped by for a friendly visit? It's goddamn cold out here, so let's go, Goku."

"Awwe, Sanzo! Why?" The kid ducked behind me, "I thought I was gonna' spend the night! I gotta' stay up and put out cookies an' milk for Santa-San."

Sanzo gave him an incredulous look, and then he gave me the _dirtiest_ fucking look, "A couple hours with this jackass and you got him believing all kinds of nonsense. What the hell kinda' crap have you been telling him, Kappa?"

"Me!? I didn't tell him any shit about no Santa-San! Hakkai's the one who got 'im to put this crap up all over the house! And besides, he said he doesn't believe in Santa-San, right Goku?"

I heard the kid laugh, but he didn't answer.

"Anyway, who the hell are _you_ to barge into my house and start pointing fingers at me?"

The dirty look didn't go away. Sanzo mumbled under his breath, "Bastard." With that, he stepped into the house, shaking snow off his robes, looked around the living room disdainfully, "Unbelievable."

"Yeah. _Your_ monkey did it."

"Oh, yeah! I almost forgot!" Goku shoved past me suddenly and ran to him, "Looky! I made ya' a card!"

Sanzo took it and looked at it a while, not saying anything.

"I made it for ya'! Cool, yeah? We don't have a fridge to put it on, but Hakkai' said maybe you'd put it up on your desk."

Sanzo just sighed. "If I have to."

"Yay! An' look at my cool presents! Hakkai gave me candy canes! There'sa' peppermint one, an' a blueberry one, an' a melon-flavored one, an'…strawberry, maybe? You want one? You can have one if ya' want. An' look! He gave me a coat an' a scarf too! Now I won't get so cold when we walk around outside! Didja' see our snowman? Isn't he cool? We made a gingerbread house! We decorated this tree! We…"

Goku went on, listing off the rest of the 'cool stuff' he and Hakkai had done, and Sanzo just stood there and listened to it. I expected him to lose his temper and go off at any given second, but he didn't, and when it was over, he glared at Hakkai and growled, "You can't do this next year."

"I rather thought not. Never-the-less, I have something for you as well, Sanzo."

He handed Sanzo a big box wrapped in shiny, gold paper, and then he had to practically beg the guy to open it. By the time he finally convinced him, I'd almost lost interest in knowing what in the hell Hakkai had gotten for Sanzo.

It really _was_ a sweater. Not red and white with hearts—thank God—but red and green and white, with reindeer and Christmas trees on it. I was pretty sure his name was stitched into the back too. Sanzo and I stared at it, and I'm not sure who was more horrified.

Hakkai just smiled, pleasantly, "I knitted it myself."

Sanzo's eye was twitching slightly as he looked up, "You knit?"

"Oh, occasionally. It gives me something to do while my husband is out." Then he laughed.

"I hate you, Hakkai." I grumbled, very faintly.

"In any case, Sanzo, I'll be happy to see you wearing it when I come to call tomorrow morning."

Sanzo looked like he didn't have a fucking clue what to say to that. The horrified look was still plastered all over his face, so he just turned to Goku, "Let's go."

"I really can't stay?"

He looked between the two of us, like we were a pack of deranged lunatics who were going to tear _his_ monkey to pieces or something. "No. Absolutely not."

"'Kay!" Goku was pulling his coat on again, wrapping his scarf up.

Hakkai got him some leftover Christmas cake—I was shocked there was any left—and then wished them both a Merry Christmas, Goku said thank-you, and goodbye, waved at me, shouting out, "'Night, Gojyo! Merry Christmas! Go finish your cake, okay?"

Sanzo yanked him through the door, muttering curses and hauling his awful sweater with him. He slammed the door on his way out.

Hakkai burst into laughter.

I turned to stare at him.

"What a fun time, don't you think? I certainly hope Sanzo enjoys his sweater."

"You…You are really messed up."

His eyes were glittering. "Do you think so?"

"That thing you gave Sanzo… That _monstrosity_. What is wrong with you?"

"Come now, Gojyo, you're hurting my feelings a little. I'd be sad to find that Sanzo thinks the same way of my gift—I spent a lot of time on that." The smile fell from his face, but there was still a mischievous gleam in his eye.

"That's what makes you so fucking crazy." All that, just to _fuck_ with Sanzo. Unless he actually thought it was a nice gift.

With Hakkai, who the hell could say? His taste was sort of shitty.

We were quiet, and Hakkai slipped away, probably to clean up the kitchen or something. I watched the door. It was too quiet now, and calm, without Goku running around having a great time. I was sort of sorry he'd left. "Weird."

"I beg your pardon?" Hakkai called from the other room.

"I said it's weird…that Sanzo came and took him away like that. Is it really a big deal for him to spend the night?"

"Oh, I don't think so. Sanzo was probably just lonely."

"Yeah right." I snorted, "That guy doesn't get lonely—any time someone gets near him he bitches about how much he hates them. He's a wall."

"You don't believe Sanzo gets lonely?"

"Like I just said."

"Hm. Well, I can't say that I agree. I think Sanzo is a bit more like you than you realize."

"What? How? I'm nothing like that jerk."

"Don't be concerned about it. All I mean is that, I don't think it would be terribly shocking to learn that Sanzo had missed Goku today while he was here with me. It is Christmas after all."

"Sanzo doesn't celebrate Christmas. Does he?"  
>"No, of course not."<p>

"So then?"

"Well, just because he doesn't celebrate it doesn't mean he wants to be alone throughout it."

"I'm lost." I flopped down on the couch again. I guess now it was just a normal night. No more presents or ghost stories or games. Just another lame night in the lame life of Gojyo. How ridiculous—I'd been so annoyed with it at the time, and now…

Like as soon as I started getting used to the idea of having Christmas in my house, it was gone.

"Hey, Hakkai." I called. "What do people do on Christmas Day?"

"Call on friends. Exchange more gifts. Whatever they please, I suppose. I don't think it's quite as commercialized and hyped up as Christmas Eve is. It's a bit more peaceful."

I guess when I was a kid, I'd seen people going to work and to school on Christmas Day.

"It's a pretty big deal in the west, isn't it?"

"I don't know. I've never been there."

"You seem like you know a lot about it."

"I think I know an average amount on the subject."

He kept rattling around in the kitchen, and I stared at the tree a while.

_Stupid Christmas Eve._

Hakkai came back, carrying a pair of beers, offered one to me. "The sake is gone." He explained.

I sat up to take the bottle, "Don't tell me you drank all of it."

"Not alone."

"Wanna' go get a drink with me tomorrow?"

He sat down on the arm of the couch and cocked his head at me, "I thought you were concerned about everyone thinking we're gay."

"Yeah, but we're not-"

"I know we're not."

"I mean, who cares what they think, right?"

"You seem to."

I ran my hand through my hair. "I don't."

"Did people think you and Banri were together?"

"I dunno'. Guess not."

"I see. Then it must have something to do with me, correct?"

Easy to think that, with him knitting shit and cooking and shopping and keeping house, cleaning up after me and feeding me. Banri never did any of that.

_Banri was such a dick._

I looked across the room, to the window where I could vaguely make out my shimmering reflection, all red and ragged and unnatural.

_ Hakkai always accepts me, exactly the way I am and doesn't say shit about it._

Suddenly, I didn't want to make fun of Hakkai for any of that. I probably would, later, when I was in a better mood and things didn't matter so much, but tonight was too strange.

"Dude, Hakkai." I got up suddenly, "You can kick anybody's ass on this side of the mountain."

He seemed a little caught off guard by that, "I suspect that's true…"

"You're one bad ass motherfucker, even _with_ the knitting, so you don't have to care what people think, and if you don't care, I don't care. They can think whatever they want—fuck 'em."

He was quiet a little longer, like he was waiting for me to say something else.

I struggled to fill the silence. I didn't like it. I didn't like the snow outside or the tree in the corner. "I…I can't afford to care about what people think…" I said, a little more quietly. "Whether people think we're gay or not…if you go somewhere else, I'm on my own."

"I know you hate that." He returned softly, and then his brow wrinkled a little, and he gave me a hard, questioning look, "Why are you talking like this right now? I don't recall saying I would leave, and I don't see what any of this has to do with us being gay or with knitting, or with anything, really. We're not gay. I do knit. You're not on your own right now. What does any of it matter, Gojyo?"

"I don't know…I didn't want you to think I'm ashamed to be friends with you or something."

"Well, I know that you aren't."

Feeling sort of stupid, I nodded, then sat down again, "Sorry."

Hakkai took a quick look around the room, "You seem rather unhinged tonight."

"Sorry. Yeah. Christmas pisses me off…a lot."

"I've always hated Christmas."

I blinked at him, "You have?"

"Yes. The generosity…the goodwill…the stories and the gifts and the traditions…it's always seemed so fake and worthless to me. When I was a child, I thought it was absurd that everyone would act so benevolent and merciful on just one night, when anyone could plainly see what a heartless, cold, uncaring world we actually live in. It all just seemed so terribly fake. Perhaps though, it was because I couldn't experience it for what it truly was, with a family of my own. When I look back on it now though, I see how foolish that was: I was shown nothing but kindness and generosity by the sisters and by the townspeople and by the other orphans. I was too blind to see their sincerity is all. I suppose I don't hate Christmas anymore, but it tends to annoy me as well. Especially now that Kanan is gone." He took a swig of beer. "There are a lot of things that don't make any sense, and it's difficult to celebrate and be thankful when you don't have anything."

I stared at him and just listened, and again, I felt like an asshole, acting like I was the only one who had some reason to be upset.

Suddenly, he got up, went to the tree, and snagged something up off the floor, turned to toss it to me, and I nearly spilled my beer, trying to catch it.

I turned it over in my hand. It was a small box, about the size of a pack of cigarettes, but heavier, wrapped in red paper with white ribbon, and a little tag with my name on it. "What is it?"

He shrugged, "I'm afraid I can't remember. Open it."

I slanted a glance up at him, "Did you knit it?"

"Yes, Gojyo." He sighed, and he didn't sound teasing or cheerful now, just tired, "I knitted you a coaster. Will you just open it, for God's sake?"

I hesitated and kept looking at him, "Is this what Christmas is about?"

"I have no idea, and I don't especially care. All I know is that if you don't open that, I'm going to kick you in the face."

"Fine." I took a quick gulp of my beer and then set it down, tore the wrapping off in a single shred, revealing a small, black case that said 'zippo' on it. I hesitated again, to look at him, "I didn't get you anything."

Hakkai shook his head at me. "Then I guess you'd better give it back."

He still didn't sound like he was kidding, but I knew he didn't mean that, so I flipped the lid off the case and took the lighter out. It was small, but it had a good weight to it, so I figured it was made of pretty good steel, brushed silver, with a cross etched into it.

"Why a cross?"

"I'm facetious like that. I thought it would be suiting, considering your heathenistic mindset, your lack of morals, and your debaucherous lifestyle."

I turned it over to see that my initials had been engraved on the back. S.G.

A long time passed, and I couldn't think of a damn good thing to say, even though a lot of shit went through my mind.

_Nobody's ever given me something like this before…wrapped up and everything. Like an actual gift._

_I'm just gonna' lose this. I always lose lighters._

_ You'll have to try not to, idiot._

_ Nobody's ever gotten me a present. Not for Christmas, not for anything._

_ Jien doesn't count—he was my brother._

_ I wonder if this was expensive—I wonder if it cost more than Goku's shit. I wonder if that even matters._

_ No one's ever done something this _nice_ before…_

_ Why did he do this?_

Finally, I looked at him again, and he was just watching me, probably waiting for a thank-you.

"I don't understand."

"I thought you probably didn't."

"Does that make me a total dumbass?"

"In a way…"

"Well, it doesn't make sense." I couldn't help sounding just a little frustrated. I thought I might even sound angry, even though I didn't feel angry. "I didn't ask for this. I didn't expect it. I don't even…deserve it, really. So why?"

Hakkai sighed and came back across the room to stand in front of me, body silhouetted against the backlight of the Christmas tree. "It's just a present, Gojyo. I did it because I felt like it. If you don't want it, I can take it back, but I don't think it's that you don't _want_ it. I do wonder why you think you don't deserve it, though. Did you not watch me give something to everyone else who wandered through that door this evening?"

"Yeah, but they…"

"They don't deserve what I gave them any more than you do. I did this because I'm grateful to the three of you—_for_ the three of you—and I cannot begin to repay any of you for what you've done." He smiled slightly, sadly, "Even you."

"_Even_ me?" I snorted.

The smile seemed even sadder. He set his hand on my shoulder and leaned down so we were eye-to-eye, "You know…you're the only one who's convinced of how unworthy and disgusting you are, so will you just keep the thing, and try not to lose it?"

I could barely raise my voice to answer him, and I felt dangerously close to losing myself to emotions that I'd suppressed and buried and ignored and fought against for almost my whole life. My throat was tight and my eyes were burning, "Yeah. I swear. Nobody's ever…done this before. For me."

"I can see that."

"Thanks, man."

His gaze stayed set on mine, serious and honest, "You're welcome." Then he let go of my shoulder.

I felt the inexplicable urge to grab onto him. I fisted my hand in the front of his shirt, "Hakkai…I'm sorry. I've been a dick all night."

"Don't be ridiculous. You've been fine."

"I really don't know what to say."

"Then let me say something, all right?"

"Anything." I felt almost like I couldn't breathe now. I couldn't believe how emotional a stupid lighter was making, and at the same time, I sort of felt like I was in the presence of a king or a sage or something, like whatever he was going to say was going to be meaningful and profound and important.

Maybe he could tell how affected I was or how close I was to losing my composure. He suddenly touched the side of my face.

"I've learned something very recently, and I'm still figuring out how to live my life by it; until tonight, I was under the assumption you had already realized this, but…I thought I would share it with you, in case you hadn't noticed it yourself. And that is that things don't have to be the way they were when we were children."

I rolled that through my mind, and I tried to make myself believe it.

"They don't." He repeated. His fingers brushed over my scars as his hand fell away, "Whatever it was like before, whatever happened, whatever makes you think you don't deserve something as simple and common as this, let it go."

I almost said 'easy for you to say', but I knew that wasn't. I knew Hakkai would have trouble with that exact same thing for the rest of his life.

"Okay…" I agreed, a little shakily. Okay, meaning I would try, because he could be right, and it might be the only thing I could do anymore.

Hakkai stood up again and smiled a little, "Merry Christmas."

"Thanks…"

"It's really nothing."

I hesitated again and lowered my gaze back to the lighter in the palm of my hand. "It's not nothing to me, dude."

"I know, but…you saved my life, so to me, this is just a very small gesture, the slightest indication of gratitude and affection."

"I guess I forgot I did that."

"Try not to. It's very important. At any rate, all this Christmas cheer is beginning to take its toll on me. I think I'll step out for some air." Already he was putting his long, green coat on with a flourish, and then he was out the door.

I sat a moment longer, thinking, and then I followed him, taking the lighter with me.

Hakkai was standing in the middle of the yard, perfectly still, head thrown back to look straight up at the moon. He looked dark against the snow on the ground, frosty breath flowing from his nose, and I thought he looked pretty damn lonely in a way.

Lighting a new cigarette, I picked my way over to him, "What're you looking for?"

"Indeed." He murmured.

I looked up too. "Is something magical supposed to happen or what?"

"I highly doubt it. Why?"

"It's Christmas."

"I'd be very surprised to see anything magical…however, I thought I might catch a glimpse of a shooting star, if I watched long enough."

"Why, you need to wish for something? I guess nobody got you anything back, huh?" I felt a little low and guilty for that. I mean, I didn't know he was going to give me something; if I _had_…

"It hardly matters. Ah, oh well." He turned his head to smile at me, "Life is strange, don't you think? We go through stages so often, at times I feel as if I enter new stages of life without even realizing it, sometimes for better…and sometimes for worse."

"It's a real roller coaster." I grumbled, a little sarcastically.

He sighed and tucked his hands into his pockets, "Here and now seems rather agreeable, doesn't it?"

I glanced around at the lit up house and tree and the snowman wearing my scarf, and didn't answer.

Hakkai all but murmured, "I hope this particular stage of life lasts quite a long time."

I didn't get that at all. I didn't think this was a great time of life for him: Kanan _just_ died, he didn't have any family or a lot of friends, or anything really going on, he didn't have a career or even a good job, or a lot of nice stuff, and as far as I knew, he was super depressed half the time.

"It gets a lot better than this, you know."

He met my eyes, held my gaze a long time, steadily, and it looked like he was going to say something, but he kept stopping himself. Finally, he smiled, "It gets much worse too."

Couldn't argue with that.

I gave my lighter a flick and half-smiled to myself.

_Things don't have to be like they were when we were kids._


	22. Chapter 22

**Good news—After over a month of packing, displacement and heartache, I am finished moving and am living in my new place, have been reunited with all my things, and therefore, my files, so I'll start updating Missions and Violent World again. Starting now.**

**Enjoy**

* * *

><p>Conflict of Interest<p>

**Hakkai**

"We almost ready to go?"

I looked up from my place in the kitchen, where I was adding the last few essentials to my pack. He was standing in the doorway, fully dressed, with bandana and jacket both already in place, boots laced up, with a faded, somewhat grungy-looking backpack slung over one shoulder, a cigarette smoking in his mouth. The sight caught me off-guard, and I turned to face him.

"Well, you certainly look like _you_ are. I'm surprised, Gojyo; is my sense of responsibility finally beginning to wear off on you?"

He grinned at me, "I doubt it. Anyway, you done packing?"

"Just a couple more things, I suppose. Going out all night is no laughing matter, after all. It wouldn't do to be under-prepared." I placed a multi-tooled pocket knife in the bag, and then a small first-aid kit, which we'd undoubtedly need at some point. We always seemed to.

Gojyo lingered, with an air of vague impatience, while I pulled tight the drawstrings of my pack and snapped the buckles shut. "There." I said with a smile, pulling it up onto my shoulders. "I believe I'm ready to go."

"Sweet. Let's move out then." He flashed another grin before turning to head for the door, a little quicker than usual.

"You seem strangely…excited for this. Do you feel all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

I glanced around the house before we left, wondering if there was some reason he wanted to get out of here so quickly, as if he were hiding something, but that seemed much too juvenile, even for Gojyo, so I dismissed the thought. "Strange. You're always so reluctant to run errands for Sanzo. Did something happen?"

"Nope. Everything's cool, I swear." We were outside now. It was a fine day, late in the afternoon, filled with reddish-gold sunlight and long, deep shadows. There was a gentle, cool breeze flowing through the trees, and there wasn't so much as a sound pervading the air, which gave me a sense of profound peace, for some reason, as opposed to a sense of dread or uncertainty, as silence often did.

"At least it seems that we'll have a warm night for this, which I'm grateful for. Fall will be coming shortly, don't you think?"

"Yeah, and your birthday. You're gonna' be twenty-one, right? We should go hard-core partying that night."

I laughed, "Very well. That is, if you think you'll be able to keep up with me."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"I might just drink you completely under the table, and it's not exactly fair to expect me to drag _you_ home from the bar on the night of _my_ birthday."

He blinked and seemed to ponder that a moment, "Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do, Hakkai? You can't get drunk."

"That's not necessarily true—I'm sure I _can_ get drunk, provided I have enough time to work on it."

"Fine. You start drinking three days in advance, and I'll meet up with you on your birthday."

I smiled and nodded a bit, and we continued up the path, deeper into the forest, toward the mountains, walked a ways, laughing and joking with one another, until we were far from any sort of civilization, and the trees were much denser, the shadows closer together, and the woods, all together, darker. Gojyo grabbed a thick, heavy branch off the side of the path and swung it around like a sword, "What'dya' think? We gonna' be out here all night like Sanzo said?"

"I can't say for sure, but he seemed rather certain we would be. Does that bother you?"

"Naw, it's cool. I'm kinda'…" he stopped abruptly, hesitated a second before saying, "It sounds a little funner than most the shit we do for Sanzo."

"A little more fun." I corrected with an inoffensive smile. "Then is that why you're acting so strangely excited?"

"I'm not _excited_." He answered after a short moment, "It's still some dick-sucking errand for Sanzo where we're gonna' get all beat to shit and not get paid enough for it, but at least it's not gonna' be totally boring."

I raised my eyebrow at him, "No? I think it could be exactly that—it will require hours of sitting in the same spot, keeping a carefully vigilant eye, staying awake long into the night, and, at times, being as silent as possible. Stake outs aren't a laughing matter."

Gojyo seemed unbothered, "Aw, c'mon. It's gonna' be better than that, don't you think? At least we're not with somebody we totally can't stand to be around."

That was true in some way, at least. I still didn't know if 'fun' was the correct adjective I would choose to describe a stake out, but at the very least, I _was_ with my best friend, and he had a way of making the most annoying and frustrating circumstances bearable. This was the first stake out I'd ever been on, so it could be that I had no idea what I was talking about.

"Have you ever done this before?" I asked casually.

"Staked out?"

"Yes."

"Nope, but…it's kinda' like camping, huh?"

"Without the fire and marshmallow roasting, I should think."

"Still, it can't be too tough, right? We hang around, wait for these bandits to show their ugly faces, jump outta' the bushes and nab 'em."

"You make it sound quite simple."

"In the meantime, we just kick back and chill out."

I nearly told him that we'd have to make sure not to 'chill out' too much, seeing how we had to stay completely vigilant as we watched for our target, but I hesitated along the path to inspect a clearing that seemed like it might serve perfectly for our stake out location. For several minutes, I rooted around, making sure that it was ideal. "This spot is close to the path, but not _too _close. There's plenty of coverage from these shrubs," I pointed out, "It's level ground, so it won't be entirely uncomfortable, and there's enough space for both of us, so we won't be sitting in one another's laps as we wait. I think this may be exactly what we need, don't you?"

"Kick ass." He swung the pack off his shoulders and onto the ground with a dull thump. "This is it."

With that, he set to settling in, sitting down and leaning back against a boulder that was almost as tall as my waist, and I stood a while longer, still making sure the location was perfect. It was getting close to evening now, but I didn't know how long we'd be required to sit here. Never the less, it did seem that this spot would be all right.

"Excuse me, Gojyo, I think I may venture further up the path to make sure there isn't anything better." I set my own pack down in the clearing as well. "I won't be gone long."

"Whatever you gotta' do."

I started off up the path once again, this time paying more attention to my surroundings, the density of the trees, the position of various landmarks, such as boulders, logs and stumps, and I felt a bit foolish for having not paid as much attention prior to finding the first spot. There could have been something even better, but I'd been so busy joking around with Gojyo, I would have missed it entirely. Oh well. The spot we'd found was more than acceptable, and so long as I was careful from now on to pay close attention, not only to the surroundings, but to the possibility of people coming and going up or down the trail, I thought it would be all right.

With that thought in mind, I went back to Gojyo. There wasn't anything better within a half a mile, and I didn't feel like walking much further to look anymore. Our spot would do.

Gojyo was still there, thankfully, lounging back against his boulder, smoking a cigarette and perusing through a magazine. I noticed that he also had an open beer and an assortment of junk food. It didn't appear that he was paying even the slightest bit of attention to anything around him, and when I stepped into the clearing, he looked up, face betraying surprise.

"Oh, hey, dude. I didn't hear you coming."

"Really? I'm disappointed to hear that. If I'd been our mark, you would have let me walk right past you."

"Yeah, but you ain't, so it's all good." He smiled crookedly and took a sip from his beer before going back to his magazine.

I suppressed my sudden sense of annoyance. After all, there was nothing to get upset about. Our target wasn't due for hours and hours, probably. I sank down next to my own pack.

"Want some chips?" He asked after a moment, digging a bag of potato chips out of his backpack.

I accepted and drew a handful from the bag, but asked, "I hope you packed more than pornography and trashy food."

"Of course I did." He made a face at me over the top of his magazine.

_Thank goodness._

"I got some extra cigarettes and a couple packs of playing cards too."

I waited a moment, certain that it had to be a joke and that he'd laugh in a second and tease me for taking him so seriously, but after a full minute had passed, it seemed that he had no intention of doing so. "I beg your pardon?"

"I said I got cigarettes and cards too. I brought some beer if you want any."

I tried not to glare at him, but I couldn't quite help it.

When I didn't say anything, he raised his eyes to look at me again, "What's wrong?"

Not wanting to stir up any trouble, I smiled, "Hm. Nothing at all. Well, I should have expected it, after all, shouldn't I?" With that, I began to unload a few things from my own pack.

Of course, I'd brought nothing unessential whatsoever. _I_ had blankets and extra clothes, and tourniquets, food to help us keep up our strength, a few thermoses of coffee to help us stay awake, survival tools, my edible plant guide, medication, fresh water, and so forth. My list of essential, important items went on and on, and he'd brought beer and half of his smut collection.

Never-the-less, I told myself not to let it bother me too much. After all, he _was_ Gojyo, and just because he'd brought along a few frivolities didn't mean he hadn't brought some important gear of his own. I firmly believed that the rest of his pack was full of sutures and a hatchet and kindling and his own water supply and maybe even some beef jerky. I didn't let the fact that the pack already looked dilapidated and empty discourage me.

We sat for some time, and he continued flipping through his magazine, and we made petty conversation while I watched the trail intently, attempting to remain patient, even when he wasn't doing anything whatsoever to assist me in the main objective we'd come for. Every here and again, I'd glance at him from the corner of my eye, thinking he'd eventually set the magazine aside and start to focus, but it never happened. When he was done with one magazine, he took out another, and he went through a handful of beers in the first hour, and then he started to act stupid. Not drunk, really, just silly, and loud. All the while, the sun was setting, and I knew that we needed to start honestly paying attention.

"I have an idea." I said, in time. "Why don't you watch that direction and I'll watch this way?"

Gojyo didn't look up from the page.

"Gojyo."

"Yeah. I heard you. Gime' a second."

I sighed, audibly, before I could catch myself.

At last, he lifted his gaze, but he only looked down the road for a few moments before becoming distracted once again.

"Are you paying attention?" I demanded, as calmly as I could, after several minutes.

"'Course. Hey, when're they supposed to show up anyway? Soon?"

"Sanzo said anywhere between dusk and sunrise."

"In other words, we have no idea." He grinned.

"Not precisely, no. And that's why we have to start watching immediately and stay attentive." I added, just to reiterate the point, "I told you this would be boring."

"It doesn't have to be." Just like that, he was digging through his pack again, and I watched with mounting irritation, not at all willing to hope that he might pull something worthwhile from its bowels.

Sure enough, he produced a pack of playing cards that looked like they'd been through quite a bit of rough treatment and inclement weather in their day.

"Tah-dah."

"…How are _those_ supposed to aid us in our task?"

"They ain't." He was already dealing for five card stud.

I couldn't take it anymore, snapped, "Then why don't you put them away?"

My tone must have surprised him, because his gaze flicked up to meet mine a second before he went back to dealing, "You pissed?"

"No. I just think that a game of cards is less than conducive to our mission."

That didn't discourage him in the slightest. "We shouldn't have to sit here and be bored out of our minds all night, right?"

"That's part of the job this time, I'm afraid."

"I think we can multi-task."

"_I_ don't think we _should_."

"It'll be okay. We'll just play a hand—it's not like they're coming in the next five minutes, and even if they do, there's no way we'll miss 'em when we're sitting right-"

"Put the cards _away_, Gojyo." I practically snarled.

He stopped dealing and stared up at me, "Geez, Hakkai. You don't have to get so pissed off about it."

"As I said, I'm not angry. It's just that I don't quite know how to feel about you bringing so much insignificant junk on our important stake out mission."

"What's the deal? So I brought a few luxury items. You got all the essential bullshit covered, don't you?"

"Well, yes, I have everything I thought might be critical, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're exempt from bringing anything important. Please don't tell me these trite things are all you packed."

"No, I have some water and a knife and shit like that."

"I'm glad to hear that. Still, I would appreciate it if you'd put the cards and the magazines away and help me keep watch. Please."

"One hand isn't going to kill us." He picked up his hand and looked it over seriously. "I'm gonna' take two cards. What do you need?"

I couldn't contain my frustration any longer, "None. This isn't a camping trip, Gojyo. We're not here to play cards and tell ghost stories. We're here to do our job."

My tone was scathing, so I fully expected him to take notice of my irritation, apologize, and put the cards away. Although, I'm not sure _why_ I thought that's what he would do. In the two years I'd known him, I'd never been able to get him to do anything just by exhibiting a little displeasure. I didn't think anyone could.

Gojyo studied my face for a split second, and then he threw his head back and had the audacity to _laugh_ at me. Not a mere, amused chuckle either, but a full-fledged, rude, somewhat obnoxious laugh that probably scared all the wildlife around us away, and had our mark been anywhere near, it would have given them an accurate pinpoint on our position.

In light of that, I couldn't help scowling at him.

Before I could rip his head off, however, he said, "Oh, damn, man. You gotta' be kidding me. You sound _just_ like Sanzo."

A bit flustered, I tried to protest. "Don't be ridiculous. Of course I don't."

"What_ever_, Hakkai. You shoulda' heard yourself just now." He did a crude impression of my voice, "'We're not here to play cards and tell ghost stories'. Tell me that's not something Sanzo would say."

"Then perhaps you should dispense with the wisecracks and consider the possibility that I'm right."

"Or else _you_ just need to loosen up. I still think playing a hand of five card ain't gonna' fuck the whole mission up."

"I have no idea if it will or not; all I know is that this operation requires our undivided attention…. Stop laughing and _listen_."

"There you go again—you sound exactly like him."

I'm not sure why it bothered me to hear him compare me to Sanzo, but I could tell I wasn't getting very far in convincing him to act responsibly, and that meant he was truly bent on doing whatever he wanted.

"Be that as it may, I can't just let you disregard the duty of helping me watch for-"

He sighed, loudly, with a type of purposeful obnoxiousness that I found quite distasteful, then said, tauntingly almost, "Damn, I think bringing Sanzo woulda' been more fun."

"I beg your pardon? I happen to think I'm quite a bit more fun than Sanzo could ever hope to be in his entire life."

"I dunno'. You're being a serious tight-ass right now. What'd you do with my buddy Hakkai anyway? That guy knows how to rip it up."

"Unlike _someone_, I also know how to buckle down and do what needs to be done."

"One hand, dude. It's not gonna' get us killed."

Admittedly, the more he insisted, the more ridiculous and unnecessarily stern I began to feel. I'm not sure why I felt so strongly about taking this seriously; after all, as he'd said, this didn't have to be completely boring.

Aside from that, the chance of our target happening by while we played a single hand of poker was quite thin. If anything, I was going to win over the course of the next five minutes, and then, having given him his way, I'd be able to convince him to start taking this seriously.

Gojyo seemed to read my mind. "One hand, dude. Then we'll buckle down, I swear."

"Oh, very well." I sighed. "Just _one_ though, do you understand? Then I expect you to watch. _Closely."_

"You got it." He grinned.

As I'd anticipated, I did win the first hand of cards, and even though it should have been satisfactory, and I should have proceeded to tell Gojyo that we now needed to put the games away and focus, I decided it couldn't hurt to play a few more hands. After all, as he'd said, the trail was only a few yards away, and we should be more than capable of paying attention to who came up and down it.

I believe that was the last even semi-responsible thought I had on the matter.

One hand of cards gradually turned into ten or fifteen hands, and one beer naturally became half the pack, and when it was gone, Gojyo had a flask of whiskey we were able to share. For a long while, I did try to watch the trail, and I think he kept his eye on it as well—between the two of us, I fully expected we'd be able to pay enough attention to complete our duty—but after a few hours and half a dozen beers, I could see he wasn't even considering it anymore, and then it was all on me. That's when I should have ended the games for good and told him we had to focus now, but I didn't say a word about it, partly because I'd had my share to drink as well, and even if I wasn't going to get drunk off such a miniscule amount of alcohol, I was feeling pretty fine. The sun set and the night air felt good and smelled fresh, and it was nice to be so completely removed from everything.

In all honesty, there was a part of me that didn't want to be the hard nose, didn't want to have to be the 'responsible one', didn't want to have to say 'enough, now let's keep watch'. I wanted to be able to enjoy the moment and take it all in and really have fun, even when I knew that wasn't what we'd come up here to do, so I continued to tell myself that it would be okay, that I'd be able to pay attention and that, when the bandits came along, I would see them. Gojyo wasn't exactly drunk yet, so I had faith that both of us, together, would prove to be more than enough to overpower the bandits and fulfill our mission to Sanzo.

Then again, I didn't take into account all the time we would be out here for.

Gojyo switched up the card game several times, when he got bored with one, or sick of losing to me, and so we kept ourselves entertained in that manner for a number of hours, and we laughed and made fun of each other, gloated and dissed, celebrated and sulked. Every here and again, I'd take note of the fact that our voices were echoing all through the woods, and remind him that we had to be quiet, but it was half-hearted, and in time, I didn't even bother anymore.

When it had started to get dark, we couldn't see our cards anymore. Gojyo wanted to light a fire and keep playing, but I reminded him that a fire was out of the question, given the circumstances. Besides, the moon was in its third quarter, and it was a cloudless night, so we could see what was around us well enough. I unpacked a little food and we ate dinner and carried on with lively conversation, while continuing to pass the whiskey flask around. When the flask was gone, he produced another bottle of liquor, and by then, I was having such a good time, I didn't object at all, or even question why he'd brought so much alcohol. His high spirits were infectious, his mood practically giddy as he made joke after joke, sometimes at my expense, and sometimes not, and after a while, I began to think I couldn't get us back on track if I wanted to; still, I tried to watch the trail, but the glances I cast in that direction were getting less and less frequent.

I made some off-handed joke about his level of maturity, and he suddenly lunged forward, catching me around the neck and dragging me to the ground; we wrestled throughout the campsite for a bit, which made me feel juvenile and foolish, but also somewhat young and wild and very, very free. As a child, I'd witnessed many of my male peers carrying on in a similar, rambunctious manner, play-fighting with their friends and whatnot, and somewhere, deep inside, a tiny part of me had always been just slightly jealous, because I didn't have any connections like that at all. I'd never had any real friends. My acquaintances had always been shallow, formal, and somewhat cold even, so I'd never known the warmth of real companionship, or the joy of playing a silly game with a true friend.

I indulged in the moment as whole-heartedly as I possibly could.

It was short-lived, however. In a matter of moments, I'd pinned Gojyo, and he tapped out. When I let him up, still laughing, he punched me lightly in the head, and we scuffled a little longer before sitting back against our respective boulders once more. I smiled to myself, breathing in the cool air in short, heavy breaths.

Gojyo passed me the bottle, and I took a large swig.

Not long after that, he suggested we play a game known as 'I've Never', which we played for only an hour and a half or so, and which, I got the impression, would have gotten Gojyo very, very drunk if it weren't for the fact that there seemed to be very little he'd never tried. I likely would have become quite intoxicated myself, if I were a bit more prone to it, and I realized that I'd done very little with my life.

"I've spent a good deal of time studying, I suppose." I remarked, when that was over.

Gojyo laughed at me, "You're pretty damn fun for being so fucking boring."

"You believe me to be boring?"

"You could put an accountant to sleep with some of the shit you go off on."

"Then, may I say, you have very poor taste in friends?" I shot back with a laugh.

"Hell, I don't _pick_ my friends. I trip over them in the dark."

"Yes, but you also go out of your way to pick them up."

"Just tryin' to keep the path clear. Can't have assholes dying all over—that'd be a mess."

"I wish you showed that kind of integrity where our living quarters are concerned. I'm not sure when the last time I saw you pick something up off the floor was."

"I never get a chance to pick anything up—somebody else comes and does it before I can get to it."

"If I started leaving things for you, our house would be an utter disaster."

"Oh, c'mon." He shoved me, grinning all the more, "Like you don't _enjoy_ cleaning the house. You're so boring, it's like your only hobby—what the hell would you do if I didn't leave that for you?"

"Oh-ho, I see! Then you've been doing me a favor all this time; and here I thought you were just being irresponsible."

He raised the bottle in a mocking salute. "I got your back."

"I wish I could say that I'm reassured, but more than anything, that makes me nervous. Having someone who can't even rinse out his own ashtray watch my back does not seem promising."

"Ouch. Really? The ashtray? That's like the only thing I _can_ clean"

"Is that so? I've never seen you clean it."

"Like I said, I don't need to. You do it."

"Honesty." I sighed and shook my head in mock distress, "I'm eagerly awaiting the day when you grow up and begin acting your age."

He smirked at me and took a slug off the bottle, "Naw, I don't think so. I don't think you're gonna' like it when that happens."

"If it ever does. And why, may I ask, do you say that?"

"I'm the most exciting thing in your boring, little world. When I start acting my age, you'll probably just go into a coma out of pure boredom."

I smiled and looked out at the path again, realizing that I'd neglected to watch it for the last ten minutes or so. "We'll see."

"Don't hold your breath though. I don't think that's gonna' happen for a long, long time."

I frowned back at him, exaggeratedly, "Oh, no?"

"I like my twenties way too much to start acting responsible any time soon."

I thought about pointing out that he'd only just begun his twenties and therefore couldn't really judge what they were like, but then again, I suspected he'd been living as if he were in his twenties for a long time. Instead, I teased, "I don't think you'll ever start acting _responsible_, exactly. Just your age."

"Hey, I do act my age. I'm only twenty-one-"

"Twenty." I corrected immediately, just to be obnoxious.

He rolled his eyes. "_You're_ the one who doesn't act his age—knitting and keeping house and cooking and cleaning and shit."

"You're very fortunate I do those things. And besides, I don't believe those things are out of the question for someone my age."

"I do."

"No offense intended, Goj, but I don't think you're exactly…er…a good judge of that."

He stuck his tongue out, but said loudly, "Hey! Neither are you, 'Kai! That's the problem—we need like a neutral guy. Somebody our age who's responsible, but not _too_ responsible."

"Yes…and, what exactly do we need this non-existent third person for?"

"To learn from. Duh."

"We're going to go out of our way to _learn_ mediocrity?"

"Or we could just make fun of him, I guess. I could be all 'dude, you're too serious', and you could be like 'sir, I insist you grow up and act your age'."

His impression of me was so ridiculous, I found myself, again in throes of laughter, and it took me a moment to compose myself, and while I was focused on that, Gojyo continued, laughing a little himself.

"Then we could give each other a break every now and then. You'd have someone to go be mature with, and I'd have somebody to be _immature_ with. Third roommate. That fixes everything."

"I believe that's reason we allow Sanzo and Goku to remain friends with us, isn't it?" I joked.

"Oh yeah." He grinned and dragged off his cigarette. "Maybe, huh?"

"I don't think we need to involve any strangers in our battle for control. That would ruin the entire dynamic of the house, wouldn't it?"

Gojyo leaned back and looked up at the sky, "I guess so. You're responsible enough for both of us anyway." He passed me the bottle.

As I leaned over to take it, it did occur to me that I was acting irresponsibly, and that he might be wrong about that, but I didn't say anything about it. It was only a fleeting thought anyway.

We played a few drinking games—at his suggestion—regardless of the fact that I was openly oppose to it, and Gojyo became rather drunk in the end after all, and I laughed at him as he stumbled through the bushes to go and relieve himself, but he said I shouldn't be laughing, seeing how I was the one who was missing out, being unable to get drunk in the first place. There was some truth in that, so I agreed that he was probably right.

"Too bad ya' can't see how it feels."

"I know how it feels. I have been drunk in the past you know."

He ignored what I had said, and he was smiling strangely, like he was remembering something funny that had happened a long time ago. "Too bad the feelin's not…transferr'ble, or somethin'. Like, if I could get drunk an' pass the feeling on to you. That'd be cool."

"That's…thoughtful." I burst out laughing, had to calm down a moment before I could proceed, wiping my eyes, "No, no, but really, it's not necessary."

He came and sat down next to me, and we sat for a long time there, shoulder-to-shoulder, passing the alcohol back and forth and looking up at the moon as we talked, sometimes about things deep and meaningful, and sometimes about nothing at all.

By the time the bottle was gone, the moon was drifting low toward the western horizon. We murmured to each other for a little while longer, and then Gojyo fell asleep against my shoulder. For a bit, I endeavored to stay awake on my own and watch the trail, but my eyelids were heavy, and before long, I went to sleep as well, smiling.

When I woke up again, the sun was already quite high in the sky, and even though the air was a bit chilly, as is typical of early morning, I didn't feel exactly cold, possibly because it was already nearly nine o'clock, or possibly because Gojyo was still slumped against me, sleeping. I sat still for several minutes, trying to remember where I was, and then it slowly dawned on me.

"Oh no." I murmured, when I realized what had happened. I nudged my room mate, "Gojyo. Wake up."

He stirred a bit, mumbled in his sleep, and I had to further rouse him before he opened his eyes, blinking tiredly, "Hah? Wha's wrong?"

I got up and walked over to the trail, quickly, with a sense of nervousness mounting up inside me. "We slept past dawn." Was all I could think to say.

"So?"

As I reached the road, my fears were brought to light at once; several sets of footprints had been left in the soft soil there, giving me the impression that up to five people had passed that way at some point, and judging by the size of the prints, I suspected they were men, all fully grown, and in good condition, if the span of their pace told me anything.

"We missed it. We missed _them._" Immediately, I felt like a complete idiot for having let my guard down last night, for having indulged in such irresponsible behavior, and all the joy I'd felt at cutting loose for once, and acting my age, and the cheer I'd felt in our companionship, not only evaporated, but suddenly appeared foolish to me. How could I let myself think it was okay to let something so important fall to the wayside? Why hadn't I put an end to the games and the drinking and the negligence before it was too late? I'd been having a great deal of _fun_ of course, but that was no excuse. At my age, I ought to have the discipline to exhibit some self control and refrain from such nonsensical antics.

"What are you talking about?" He asked, and I heard him light a cigarette.

I turned to snap at him, "The mark, of course. Don't you remember the mission? Don't you remember _anything_?" With that, I began to pace up and down the trail, examining the tracks and following them a ways up the road before backtracking further the other direction. I couldn't think of anything but how stupid I had been.

At length, Gojyo questioned, casually, "How'dya' know we missed 'em?"

"Because their tracks are here."

"Couldn't those be _our_ tracks?"

"They are _not_ our tracks? Do you think I'm that stupid? I can see that they aren't our tracks—and aside from that, look at what time it is. Sanzo said they would come between sunset and sunrise. Dawn was hours ago. Any more brilliant questions?"

Gojyo didn't speak, but I saw him shake his head.

I felt that much more frustrated, continued to pace up and down the road, muttering to myself. "There's no catching up to them now…we've blown the mission…entirely. We've failed, without question."

"Yeah… But it's not a big deal 'Kai. They'll come back this way again, eventually."

"_Perhaps_. Even if they do, _when_? It could be months from now, and we were fortunate to be informed that they were on their way _this_ time."

"They'll come back." He repeated.

"We were supposed to have done this today! We shouldn't have to glean more information and set up an entirely different stake out."

"Yeah, but we still can."

"Why? So you can foul that one up as well?"

He stared at me a moment, as if he were taking some time to understand what I was saying, "Wait. What'dya' mean by that?"

"Exactly what it sounds like I mean."

"This isn't my fault, Hakkai."

"Of course not. Obviously you can't bear to be responsible for any of it; frankly, I can't say that surprises me, but I don't appreciate you expecting me to shoulder all the blame for this failure."

"It's not your fault either, we just-"

"_We_ got distracted from our duty because _you _packed a load of _toys_ for the mission instead of bringing essential supplies. Don't you see that? This is why I was so opposed to the idea of drinking and playing cards last night, because I knew this would happen, and before you say it, it wasn't one-hundred percent up to _me_ to ensure that we stayed on task."

"I only brought that crap so we'd have something to do for twelve hours. What's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that this wasn't a camping trip. This wasn't a game. It wasn't a joke. It was a _job_, one which we were relying on in order to receive some income so that you might go on purchasing toys and behaving like an oppressed teenager."

He stood up, looking somewhat angry, "Would you maybe stop treating me like I'm a goddamn _kid_, Hakkai?"

"I don't know. Could you possibly stop _behaving_ like a child?"

"Bringing booze and playing cards on an overnight job like this isn't as stupid and childish as you're making it sound."

"How would you know? You admitted you've never done this before." Neither had I. I should have paid more attention. I should have thought it through a little better. I shouldn't have let this happen. There was only so much I could do to control Gojyo's actions, but I didn't have to go and indulge my own frivolous desires. At least if I had stayed alert—even if it was all by myself—we wouldn't have failed the mission entirely.

"No, but I've done stuff like it."

"I suspect you failed at whatever sordid heist you were pulling off _then_ as well."

Even more anger shadowed his eyes, "Normally someone stays awake to keep watch."

"And you just _expected_ that person would be _me_? Take a little responsibility for once!"

"What about you? You just expect me to take the blame for all this?"

"No. Obviously it's my fault for letting you act that way. Obviously I shouldn't have allowed you to-"

"To what?" he interrupted, fiercely, "To have some goddamn fun?"

I hesitated, not having anything readily available to reply to that.

"Are you gonna' be some kind of fun nazi from now on? Make sure everything stays totally serious and one-hundred percent boring all the time?"

I stammered, "Well. You… Having fun is _one_ thing, Gojyo; Naturally, I don't object to having some fun while we're doing a job, but letting our guards down and losing focus entirely just because we're having fun is unacceptable. There has to be some sort of balance." I added, just so he'd really understand the gravity of the situation, "We could get ourselves killed. I know that you don't necessarily think of things like that, but I've always been careful to stay aware of the fact that your antics could endanger our lives, so I don't try to prevent fun in general, but I do-"

"Stop talking down to me."

"I'm not trying to."

"But you are. 'I know you don't think of things like that', '_your_ antics could endanger our lives, so _I _have to make sure we don't have too much fun'? You were fucking around last night just like I was, and now you're pissed at yourself 'cause you let this happen. Don't take it out on me."

I glared at him, barely controlling my temper at this point, "Do you really think you're completely exempt from the responsibility of making sure these missions are accomplished in an orderly fashion? You-"

"No." he snapped, before I could even finish, "I know I messed up too. _We_ messed up. _Together._ Don't dump it all on me just 'cause you think I'll take it."

Several minutes passed, and we continued to glare at each other, stubbornly. "Stop interrupting me." I said.

"Stop blaming me for this. Fine. _I_ brought the beer. _You _didn't stay alert. _I_ got drunk. Blah, blah, blah. _We_. Messed. Up."

"This wouldn't have happened if you _hadn't_ brought the beer."

"_Fuck!_ You're so impossible. You wanna' blame me? Fine. It's all my fucking fault, so you can go right on back to Keiun and tell Sanzo that Gojyo blew the mission by bringing some booze along and getting you drunk. Gojyo, Gojyo, Gojyo. Will that ease your freakin' conscience, Hakkai? I'll take it. That ass is pissed at me twenty-four-fucking-seven, so I can handle it. If you think you can't handle the fact that _you_ messed up too, and Sanzo's gonna' be pissed off at you, then fine, just blame me. God _damn_, it's unbelievable. You are so ridiculously hard on yourself that you can't even admit that you had a good time last night and let things get a little bit out of control. Grow the fuck up. We ain't perfect."

"It's not that I didn't have fun. It's just that it's inexcusable to have allowed it to interfere with our official obligation."

"So we'll never do it again! I won't bring any beer the next time we do something like this. There. Happy?

I found that I couldn't do anything but glare at him, and I got the strangest feeling that I was losing this disagreement, which was unusual, because generally, when I argued with Gojyo, I won.

I wondered, for a moment, if maybe I wasn't the one being completely unreasonable after all.

No, that just couldn't be. Clearly I was right.

"If it's gonna' make you feel better. Blame me. By all fucking means." He was starting to pack up his things, stuffing the cards and the magazines and what was left of the food back into his bag, and depositing the empty beer cans into a separate, plastic sack he'd brought. "Wouldn't want you to feel anything less than mature and intelligent and all put together. Damn, a freaking _storm cloud_ wouldn't make you feel this shitty, am I right? I am _so_ sorry you let your age get the best of you for once. I am _so_ sorry you're only turning twenty-one and you haven't learned _everything_ yet. Maybe, if you're super lucky, and you ask _reeeally_ nice, Master Sanzo will even forgive you for being a normal, fucking person."

"Enough." I growled. "It has nothing to do with any of that, and you know it."

"I don't, actually. Really? It doesn't? I'm shocked as fuck to hear that, Hakkai, because as far as I can tell, you can't stand to act your age."

"As far as I'm concerned, I _do_ act my age. You and I are adults, by the way."

"So we can't have fun and do something sort of stupid every now and then? Are you telling me it's _actually_ the end of the world when we screw up? It's like what I was saying last night: you're always on my case about how I don't act my age, but you're the one who doesn't get it—it's really normal to act this way when you're our age."

I shook my head, "I think you know you're wrong. I think you know exactly how ridiculous that is; you just don't want to admit to the fact that you botched the mission, so you're making up these absurd excuses."

"Oh right. I forgot. _I_ screwed up the mission, single-handedly. It couldn't have had anything to do with _Hakkai. Hakkai's_ the epitome of maturity and responsibility. I'm just the dirtbag who can't even clean out his own ashtray."

"I'm not going to listen to this anymore." I decided suddenly, "We need to report this failure to Sanzo, so pick up your garbage and let's go."

Gojyo grabbed the collar of my shirt suddenly and gave me an aggressive jerk, "You'd better drop that condescending attitude, 'Kai." His eyes were on fire.

"Someone has to be in charge of what's left of this mission, and I suppose it might as well be me."

"Of course! I'm not even _capable_ of being in charge."

"Probably not!" I shouted in his face.

He yelled back, "I can't believe you! You're so freaked out by failure that you have to start acting like a dick to make up for it!"

I started to tell him that I wasn't afraid of failure, and that he'd better remove his hand before I did it for him, but I couldn't quite choke out the lie, because, in a way, I was afraid of failure. Failure meant so many things. If you failed you couldn't progress. You couldn't improve your circumstances, or yourself, and that meant you'd never be able to have anything better than what life had already handed you, regardless of how unbearable it was. It just wasn't an option to fail. Failing meant losing things—things you couldn't possibly replace—it meant being beaten, and therefore, being robbed of dignity and, ultimately, humanity. My whole life, I'd worked hard to be successful, and never because someone else was making me do so, but because I knew that I couldn't afford to fall behind or lose ground, and the one time I _had_ failed, the penalty had cost me. Dearly.

I grabbed his wrist and wrenched loose, without hurting him, and I'd suddenly lost all desire to fight, "People get hurt when you fail. Didn't you ever learn that?"

"What do _you_ think?"

I shrugged.

That seemed to make him even angrier, and he gave me a sudden push, probably because I was still standing in his personal space, "Failure doesn't mean you have to hide from life, Hakkai."

Stumbling back, I caught myself on a tree trunk, retorted, ferociously, "I do _not_ hide from life."

"Oh, please. I've never seen you cut loose before last night. I mean, I know you're a freak who can't get drunk, but _damn_, dude, you're twenty-one years old, and you sit at home and knit and make house like an old lady. You hafta' do _something_ every now and then, even if it _does_ mean messing up sometimes. That's just the way it is."

I couldn't think of a single thing to say in my defense at that point.

"_When_ was the last time you had some goddamn fun?" He demanded, "Didn't you ever get freaky in college?"

"I…I'm afraid not." I murmured, and suddenly, I felt almost ashamed. Which made absolutely no sense, because I hadn't gone to college to party, I'd gone to study so that I could make something of myself. Why should I be embarrassed of _that_? As for now, I had already seen what might happen if I stopped paying attention and had too much fun. I'd already learned that when you had something worth protecting, you couldn't afford to let your guard down. Even if the life I had now wasn't as good as the one I'd had with Kanan, I still couldn't let myself lose it.

Somehow, my tone must have neutralized the situation, because Gojyo sighed and backed off. "Let's just forget it. It was a stupid thing to do; it won't happen again."

With that, he turned and started to walk away.

I couldn't quite stop myself. I reached out and grabbed onto his jacket before he could get too far, and I'm not sure why. Perhaps there was some strange part of me that felt like if I let him walk away I'd be destroying the nature of the bond we'd had last night. Not that we'd stop being friends—not at all—but the way we'd behaved last night had been so unique, so rare for me particularly, it appeared almost delicate in my eyes, and I knew, even then, that there might be only a handful of times in my life that I was provided with such a situation, where I could act exactly that way, with exactly this individual, and if I let him walk away now, believing I regretted the fact that I'd 'cut loose' last night, similar opportunities might not present themselves in the future. He would think he couldn't have fun with me, and that would be horrible.

_Horrible is a very strong word._

But it was the right word.

I held on tightly to his jacket, but my voice was soft. "Gojyo…?"

He looked over his shoulder at me, one eyebrow cocked, questioningly, "What's the deal now?"

"I'm sorry. You're right."

"Yeah, well, you know what, Hakkai? You can just-Waita'minute, what?"

"I said, I think you're right…. I mean, perhaps not completely, because I have fun in my own way…well, not fun, exactly, but I have my own moments of contentment and happiness, I suppose, and I can't say I don't get some odd satisfaction out of keeping an orderly house."

"So. What's the deal?" He repeated, impatiently almost.

"I don't really have fun. I never really have." I thought of my days at the orphanage, spent sitting alone, watching the other children run and laugh and play together. "Maybe…I don't even know how. I've never been much fun to be around, I guess, and I think it is because I can't stop taking things seriously, even for a moment, because failure _is_…inexplicably frightening to me."

His eyebrow quirked slightly, "'The hell're we getting into your issues for?"

"I'm not sure. It just seems inevitable to me."

"…You're fun to be around, Hakkai, I never said you weren't; and it makes sense not wanting to mess up. You just worry too much."

"You needn't lie about it. It's as you said last night—you and Sanzo and Gokuare the only source of excitement or fun in my life. I'm afraid I did turn out to be somewhat…dull."

Gojyo snorted, "What I actually said was 'you're really damn fun for being so fucking boring'. You're fun, Hakkai. Okay? You worry way too much."

I didn't let go of him though, "Please don't think that I don't want to play around with you sometimes. I would hate it if you thought I don't want to have fun with you, because I don't want our relationship to be strictly business all the time."

"Oh, cut it out, you raging emo." He jerked loose, abruptly, but not unkindly, "I could never think that _you're_ strictly business. You're way too much of a goof-off. Besides, I don't have a business side."

"Excuse me. I just don't want things to change. I like the way things are. I like that I can have fun with you."

"Nothing's going to change, pal. Now quit being a girl about it and let's go. I'm hungry."

He started to walk again, and this time I followed.

"Very well then. As long as that's been established though, I feel the need to add that it's no excuse to act so irresponsibly."

"'Course not."

"There's a time and place for everything, don't you think?"

"No more beer on stake outs. I get it."

Part of me felt as if he didn't quite get what I was trying to tell him, in spite of what he said, so I added, "I don't think the beer itself is the issue, exactly. We just need to take care and act a bit more conservatively."

Gojyo sighed, "Yeah, okay."

After that, I didn't particularly want to carry on with the conversation, so I let it go, and we walked on in silence. I tried to think of what I should say to Sanzo instead. I supposed an excuse could be concocted, or perhaps even a lie, but I wasn't sure what sort of excuse or lie I could come up with that would seem plausible. The job was supposed to be simple, and not completing it would make us look incompetent. Furthermore, the thugs we were supposed to have confronted weren't all that strong, and it wouldn't make much sense to tell him they'd beaten us in a fight. Would he believe it if I told him they'd never shown up at all?

_You see, Sanzo, Gojyo and I waited diligently, all night, and they never came. I expect they must have taken a different route._

Except that we'd been observing their traveling habits for a couple of months now, and it was always the same thing—back and forth through the mountain path every two weeks. It wouldn't make any sense for them to randomly change the way they went.

Come to think of it, making up an excuse or a lie would probably be pointless. Sanzo was going to smell the beer on us, or else notice how hung over Gojyo was, and then he'd know the real reason we'd failed, assuming he didn't jump straight to the conclusion that we hadn't gone at all and had spent the entire night at the bar instead.

There didn't seem to be a good way to explain those details away, and the more I thought, the surer I felt that there was only one course of action to be taken.

When the temple was in sight and we were just a quarter of a mile away, Gojyo broke the silence to ask, "What're you gonna' tell Sanzo?"

"I haven't figured that out yet."

He paused again, took a puff off his cigarette, "You can tell him it's all my fault, if you want. I mean, like I said, he's always pissed off at me anyway, so it's not a big deal if you tell him it was because of me."

I knew that was a possibility, of course.

_Well, Sanzo, the mission would have been completed, except that Gojyo brought along his entire stash of liquor and then coerced me into drinking with him._

Not entirely honest, but it could be close enough to the truth to get me off the hook at least. Gojyo said that would be okay. I wondered if he actually meant it though.

Unfortunately, I was out of time to mull it over. We'd reached the gates, and the monks were already conducting us inside, with the same typical, cold acceptance they always used when they were forced to deal with us. I guess it really didn't matter how long we'd been teaming up with Sanzo to do the work of the Sanbutsoshin; Gojyo was still viewed as a ruffian, and I was still viewed as a murderer.

_That's the truth, isn't it? We _are_ that way._

In that moment, it was a bit astounding to me that we ever accomplished anything, and yet, somehow we did, over and over again. This was the first time we'd ever failed a mission so utterly, without even giving it a good, sound try.

Maybe, in that case, there was really only one thing I _could_ tell Sanzo.

We were almost there now. The door to Sanzo's chamber was just down the hall.

"Dude." Gojyo hissed. "What're you gonna' tell him?"

I wondered why it was my place to tell Sanzo anything, and then I remembered that I'd assumed responsibility for the remainder of the mission, which, in my eyes, would not be all the way complete until we'd reported back to Sanzo.

"Don't concern yourself with it." I advised.

Gojyo sniffed for a reply, and I wondered if he was even slightly nervous, but I didn't really think he was. He didn't care what Sanzo thought anymore than Sanzo cared what _he_ thought. I knew that if I heaped all the blame on Gojyo, Sanzo would yell at him, and they'd bicker and fight a while, swear that they'd never speak to one another again, we'd go away without our money, and the thing would be over. The chance of them actually never speaking to one another again was extremely unlikely.

Now we were at the doors. I'd run out of time to think, which was fine, because I had made up my mind.

I flung the doors open, not waiting for the monks to announce that we were there and walked in, looking as confident as I dared, even smiling a little.

Sanzo was sitting at the window seat with Goku, having a cigarette while Goku chirped away about breakfast or something equally as pleasant. They both looked up when we came in.

One of the monks began to stutter, "I-I'm sorry, Master Sanzo. I was going to announce their arrival to you, but they just barged in without permission."

Sanzo snorted, "I'm _expecting_ them."

"Yes. Of course, sir." The monk looked a little uncertain still, but he retreated back out into the hall, never the less, shutting the door behind him, and while he was doing that, Sanzo was standing up, looking at us with great seriousness.

Goku chimed out, "Hey guys!"

I smiled at him, "Good morning, Goku. How are you?"

"Mm. Good." He was beaming, like always, and I felt suddenly that I was missing out on something, in a way. I would have liked to always be that cheerful, but then, it seemed to be something only Goku could achieve. I didn't know a single other person alive who could behave that way almost constantly, and I knew that I certainly couldn't.

_A raging emo. That's me._

"Well?" Sanzo growled, and I could see from his expression that he was tired, assumed that he had only gotten up not that long ago. "What do you have to tell me?"

Smiling that much bigger, I strode right up to him, "Sanzo. We've failed."

Sanzo blinked, looking much more confused than annoyed in that moment, "Failed?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. The bandits got away."

"Wha?" Goku squawked, "I thought it was s'posed to be easy. Were they tough?"

"I find that hard to believe." Sanzo said, still looking rather bewildered, "It _was_ a simple mission."

"Oh, yes, I quite agree. It was a very simple task, indeed, one we should have been able to accomplish without much effort at all. There's no excuse for failure."

Now he was beginning to look a little irritated, that familiar expression of frustration and annoyance wrinkling his forehead, "Explain this to me. Right now. How did you two simpletons screw this up? You." He turned to Gojyo, snarling silently, "You fucked up, didn't you? You're the only person here who's enough of a fuck-up to mess up something _this_ easy."

Gojyo glared at him, "I-"

I hurried to interrupt. "Complications arose, you see. It's not something that can be pinned to a single person, I'm afraid. It would be nice if it were that easy, but the truth is, we were both somewhat remiss in our duty, and we let things get out of control."

Gojyo exchanged a glance with me, and I could see the honest surprise on his face.

I flashed him a quick smile, and then looked back to Sanzo, who was scowling prominently.

"Are you telling me the two of you just did a shitty job and let the bandits get away?"

"Well…something like that."

"Ohhhhh…" Goku mumbled, and then he moved back to sit on the window seat again, clearly intending to stay out of this the best he could.

"_How_ is that even possible, Hakkai? It wasn't _hard_."

"To be perfectly honest." I hesitated, deciding once and for all on what I should say and how I should say it.

"What?" He demanded, impatiently.

"To be perfectly honest…" I smiled again, "We both found something we'd rather be doing instead."

The room was perfectly still for a handful of seconds, and then Goku whistling under his breath, and I thought I heard Gojyo chuckle.

Sanzo glared first at him, probably because of the laugh, and then at me, back at Gojyo, back at me. When he spoke, he sounded completely outraged, "You didn't even _go_ on the mission?"

"That isn't what I said. We _went_, of course, it's just that, while we were there, we got distracted by something a bit more inviting."

"What, did you decide to _fuck_ or something?"

I raised my eyebrow at him.

"Hey, man." Gojyo spoke up at once, "Don't be a douche—there's a lotta' stuff more inviting than your shitty jobs. Don't jump straight to us fucking each other."

"I quite agree, Sanzo. That doesn't reflect well on your character."

He continued to glare daggers at us both.

"I understand you're upset, and of course you have every right to be, but let's all try to be mature about this, shall we? The two of us_ did_ get caught up—"

"In drinking and cards and shit—"

"…But I don't think it's any reason to fly off the handle and start lashing out maliciously. The bandits can be dealt with at a later date, I'm sure, and we'll be careful not to repeat the same mistake twice."

"How in the hell do I know that? You fucked up once, how do I know you won't fuck up again?"

"You don't, I'm afraid, and I'm sure we will, at some point. 'We ain't perfect'."

Gojyo laughed and rested his elbow on my shoulder.

Sanzo practically shouted, "What are you laughing about, asshole?"

"Inside joke."

I could see that Sanzo was furious. "There's nothing funny about this! I sent you to do something important, and you just decided to say 'screw it' and play _cards_ all night! Obviously I can't trust either of you to do anything, ever again."

"Yeah right." Gojyo scoffed, "We should be so lucky."

"Try not to be too angry, Sanzo. It was an honest, momentary lapse in judgment, and in the future it will be avoided to the best of our ability."

He didn't say anything for a long moment, and the way he looked at me, I knew he was waiting for me to apologize, because, normally, I would have by now. Several times.

Regardless, I wasn't sure what I should be sorry for, so I refused to utter the words. Instead, I said, "If you'd like us to try again at a later date, I'm sure we'll get it right the second time."

"You realize I'm not paying you assholes for this."

"We didn't really expect you to, no."

"I hope you stocked up on groceries. I don't know when the next time I'll be trusting you with something important will be."

Gojyo answered him languidly, "Don't worry about us, boss, we have other ways to make money."

That tiny bit of impertinence seemed to be the icing on the cake for Sanzo, and he snapped, "Just get out of my sight. Both of you."

"Thank-yooou." Gojyo turned immediately to head for the door.

I gave a small bow, "Then goodbye, you two. Come see us if you need something after all, Sanzo."

"Just _go_, Hakkai."

With a quick smile at Goku, I followed my room mate.

Together, we made our way outside and back down the road, toward home.

Gojyo was laughing a little, "'We ain't perfect'. That was classic."

"My, my, Sanzo didn't seem to like it, did he?"

"Nah. That guy's such a tight-ass."

"Albeit, I knew he wouldn't be happy, but never-the-less…"

"You handled that perfectly—I thought you were gonna' tell him it was all my fault. I was all ready to take the blame and everything."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because I said you could." He shrugged, like it was that simple. Like shouldering all the blame really would have been fine.

"I didn't think that was a good enough reason to endure a long, drawn-out shouting match between you and Sanzo."

"Heh, yeah. I guess not. Do you think that'll really be the last time he sends us to do something?"

"I highly doubt it, and if I were you, I wouldn't be too excited at that prospect. Sanzo's errands do help us along quite a bit with our living arrangements."

"Speaking of living arrangements, can you believe that dick actually thought we fucked each other?"

"Come now. I'm sure he didn't actually think that—he likely said it just to get a rise out of us."

"Whatever. He was like _dead_ serious."

"Hm. Yes. But Sanzo always acts that way."

"That sicko."

I laughed a little, "Well, don't lose any sleep over it. My feminine qualities end at household chores."

Gojyo laughed with me, and we walked on, with such high spirits, to look at us, you wouldn't have thought we'd failed our mission and missed out on getting paid.

By and by, I said, "Why don't we head into town and have a couple of drinks?"

My room mate looked startled, "Really? It's still early, you know."

"Yes, but I think we should focus on building your alcohol tolerance so you'll be able to keep up with me on my birthday, don't you?"

"Meh. Whatever, Hakkai, I don't have any problem keeping up with your drinking."

"Well then, if you're just not _up_ to drinking this early in the day, you should say so."

"Who says I'm not up to it? I'm up to it. You're on, man—let's go."

"Very well then. Consider it our last hurrah before we're completely broke and find ourselves forced to live off top ramen and crackers with ketchup."

"Sounds good to me." He said, taking the lead.

I contemplated for a moment before going on, "There is just one more thing, Gojyo."

"Yeah?" He looked back to meet my gaze, "What's up?"

"What happened last night…please don't ever let me do that again."

Slowly, he grinned, "You got it, pal."


	23. Chapter 23

**Missions lives on! And actually, I have no idea when Missions will ever be over completely.**

**I told myself I wasn't going to do this one, because Minekura already explained where Jeep came from and his reception by Hakkai and Gojyo, in an interview or something like that, but I changed my mind because I thought it might be kind of fun, though maybe it won't be what you're expecting.**

* * *

><p><strong>Jeep<strong>

"Good afternoon. Look what I found."

I barely glanced up from my game of solitaire, only partly interested in whatever bargain item he'd gotten at the grocery store, did a double-take when I saw that he didn't have so much as one bag of food. Instead, he had his long, green coat bundled up in his arms, leaving him wearing nothing but his sweat shirt, and his hair was wet from the heavy, spring snow, face flushed from the cold, glasses starting to steam up from coming in where it was warm.

"You lost your mind or somethin'? It's like five degrees out there."

He laughed a little, "No, no. I think my mind is still intact."

I noticed that his eyes were shining, and the smile on his face was a little more energetic than usual, which was weird, because when he left half an hour ago, he'd seemed kind of bummed. He'd even asked me if I wanted to go with him, and maybe I would have, if he weren't going grocery shopping, and it wasn't five degrees, and there wasn't a blizzard starting outside, and I didn't have a bad hangover.

When I told him no, he just smiled, sadly, and said 'I understand', and then left.

Now he was practically glowing, like a little girl with a crush.

"You weren't gone very long." I decided, looking up at the clock. It was just past four.

"No, I got distracted, you see."

"Distracted? By what?"

Hakkai just went on smiling as he walked over to the kitchen table and set his bundled up coat down there. "Come see."

With a short sigh, I stood up and followed him, just in time to see him unfolding his coat, carefully, like he didn't want to break whatever was inside. I was having a hard time thinking of what it could be. Unless he'd found something valuable. Hard to imagine _that_ happening. Hakkai was absent-minded, in a way, and when he walked, he looked at the sky. I'd watched him step on two thousand yen once, not even noticing it was there, and then I picked it up, because I was used to watching for shit like that. I had to look out for sexy girls, people I'd pissed off, and anything on the ground that might be worth picking up.

I really doubted he'd found anything valuable.

Hakkai finished unfolding the sleeves of his coat, revealing a small animal. At least, I think it was an animal. It didn't really look like any kind of animal I'd ever seen. It was about the size of a cat, maybe a little bit smaller, with a smooth, scaly body and tufts of fur, completely white, a long, serpentine neck and tail, drooping ears and a dog-like snout. It had two long, spindly wings, and one was bloody and bent strange, like it was broken. I noticed the rest of it was kind of beat up too, with some burn marks and bruises and even a few gashes—it sort of reminded me of an abused dog on a chain I'd seen when I was a kid.

The thing raised its head and opened its eyes, looking up at us tiredly and crooning, this soft, bird call kind of sound. I noticed that its eyes were about as red as mine, like two drops of thick blood on a sheet of paper, and I couldn't help shivering a little. _What the hell?_

I stared at it for a couple of minutes, just trying to make some kind of sense of what I was seeing.

"I found him injured in the woods." Hakkai was explaining, stroking the animal's head. "It didn't seem right to leave him where he was."

Go figure the guy would walk over ten thousand yen but could find an injured, white animal on a snowy day.

The thing chirped again, even more quietly, closed its eyes again, and tilted its head up, rubbing against Hakkai's hand.

"Um. What the hell is it?"

"A dragon." He said, giving me a funny look, like I'd asked a stupid question. "Naturally."

"_Naturally_. S'cuse me for never seeing a dragon before."

"Well, neither have I."

"So how do you know that's what it is?"

"It looks like one." He smiled.

"I've never seen a dragon like that before."

"You've _never_ seen a dragon before." He said smugly.

With a snort, I gave up, looked down at the dragon again. "What're you gonna' do with it?"

"I thought I might see if there's something I can do for this wing, nurse it back to health, if you will."

"Huhn. Cool."

"That is, of course, as long as it's all right with you."

I don't know why he was bothering to ask me that—Hakkai always did whatever the hell he wanted, with or without my consent. Either way, I thought it over. We'd been living here for about three years, so I was way past the days of thinking of it as 'my house', so I didn't have a right to say anything about what he brought in here in the first place, and even if I did, this wasn't going to be a big deal. It might even be a good thing, maybe. As long as he had some injured dragon to nurse back to health, he wouldn't be nagging me all the time, and actually, that was just perfect.

I gave him a huge grin and a smack on the back, "Hell yeah, it's fine with me."

"You don't have to say yes right away; you're entitled to think it over for a bit."

"I don't need to think it over—it's totally fine."

Hakkai didn't look like he believed me, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, dude, why wouldn't I be?"

"I've never believed you to be a very big animal-lover."

That was pretty true. I did not have the nature boy thing going on at all, but that was partly because most animals didn't like me either, probably because I was totally unnatural, but it's not like he was asking _me_ to take care of the thing, and as long as he didn't, I couldn't care less. He was just going to keep it until the wing was better and release it back into the wild, right?

"I don't have a problem with animals, Hakkai. Keep the thing."

"Well, just so long as you're absolutely sure…"

"I am. Go nuts, Mr. Mom." I gave him another slap on the back and turned to go back to my solitaire game, and at the time, I really was sure that having the little dragon around was not going to be a big deal.

Hakkai got started with his new project right away. He took the dragon, which, for the time being, he was just calling 'little one', into our living room, and set up a bed for him on the end of the couch. He gathered all the extra blankets and pillows we had in the linen closet, and made kind of a nest there, and the he set to tending to its wounds, starting with the broken wing. I didn't pay much attention to everything else he did. It was a lot of murmuring under his breath, and the dragon would chirp or croon back at him, or sometimes it would screech really loud and high-pitched, if he did something that hurt it, and he said a lot of weird stuff to it, the kind of stuff he'd say to me if I ever got my ass handed to me and had to be put back together; things like 'does this hurt?' or 'now, now, don't fuss—it has to be done', or 'easy now, I'm almost done', as if the dragon could answer or even understand what he was saying.

I decided to tune all of it out, and after a while, I even went so far as to get my headphones from my room and just listen to some music.

I got pretty lost in what I was doing after that and didn't pay much attention to the time, but when my stomach started growling, I looked up at the clock and saw that it was almost seven.

Hakkai was still messing with the dragon, so but it looked like he was done tending to his wounds, so I had no idea what he was doing now. He was just sitting there, holding the thing on his lap, stroking its head like it was the most important thing in the world.

"Hey, dude." I pulled my headphones out, "Were you gonna' make dinner?"

"Hm? What was that, Gojyo?"

"Dinner. Were you going to make it? It's getting sort of late."

"Ah, is that so?" He looked up at the clock too, "Oh, it's not that late—it's only seven."

"Yeah, but we usually eat around five thirty or six."

Hakkai gave me a strange look, "Normally you're gone by five. Honestly, I thought you would have left by now."

I checked the window again, but the snow hadn't lightened up at all, and the wind looked crazy, and even if going out wasn't so bad, coming back would be a bitch, and I didn't really want to spend a night in the bar, especially when I was pretty sure no one else would be there. "It's a blizzard out there."

"Very well then." He sighed, for some reason, set his dragon off to the side, and got up to go in the kitchen.

I sort of wondered if I'd pissed him off, but when we ate, he seemed normal, so I didn't worry about it. After dinner, he fed the dragon, and spent some more time with it, but I had shit to do, so I didn't put much thought toward it. It really wasn't a big deal, and I was right about one thing—he didn't waste his breath nagging me for the rest of the night.

* * *

><p>The snow went on for another three days, without so much as letting up, so it really did turn out to be a blizzard, which meant being stuck inside until it stopped. That meant two days of finding some way to keep entertained.<p>

Normally, that wouldn't have been a big deal, because normally being stuck in the house with Hakkai was pretty fun. It usually meant drinking games I was bound to lose, card games I was bound to lose, and witty banter I couldn't possibly win. It also meant long, sometimes meaningful conversation, depending on how drunk I got, and the important thing was, I wasn't by myself. Somehow, being snowed in with Hakkai was almost really cool. It was something I'd always sort of liked.

This time wasn't that great.

On the first day, I slept until almost two, because I didn't figure I'd be going anywhere later, and when I came out of my room, Hakkai was busy re-dressing the dragon's wing.

Grinning, I put both hands in the air, "Snow daaaaay!"

He turned to give me a scolding look, "Sh. Gojyo, keep it down."

I was completely caught off-guard by his expression, his tone, and, oh yeah, his _reaction_, and I just stood there for a long moment, trying to figure out what the deal was. Normally rain made him cranky, but I'd never seen him get upset over snow.

He could probably tell he'd thrown me for a loop, because he added a quick, "Please."

"Um, sorry. What, is it sleeping?"

"No, but a lot of unnecessary noise can be rather detrimental to rest and relaxation, don't you think? He is trying to recover, after all."

"Yeah, I guess. My bad."

"I forgive you." And he went back to work, while I padded, quietly, into the kitchen, and sat down to, quietly, smoke a cigarette.

And that's what the next three days were like.

Hakkai spent so much time sitting by the dragon, you'd think it was a person who actually _needed_ to be sat up with. I tried teasing him about it.

"Damn, dude, the last time I saw anybody sit up with something that was injured like this was when I sat up with _you_ after I found you dying in the road."

"Oh." He smiled at me over the top of his book, "I'm sure I'm being much more attentive than you were." And then he went back to reading.

Maybe it was a jab, maybe it was a joke. I didn't really care about that. I did care that we were totally snowed in and he was sitting there reading.

I entertained myself for a little while before I got completely bored and went to hassle him until he agreed to hang out with me, but then he seemed a little annoyed, and he kept going to check on the dragon, or the dragon would start shrieking and he'd go sit with it until it fell asleep again.

When it got later, I suggested drinking games and cards and our normal, 'we're snowed in' bullshit, but Hakkai just shook his head.

"Why not?"

He was practically whispering, "If we do that, you're going to get all drunk and rowdy, make a lot of noise and disturb him."

"Him? You mean _it_?

Hakkai frowned. "I mean him."

"But you're talking about the dragon, right?"

"Yes, of course."

That seemed totally stupid, but I decided not to say so. Instead, I asked, "Why don't you just put it in your room and shut the door?"

"Ah, I thought of that, of course, but I have two reasons I don't think that's the best course of action."

"And they are?"

"Firstly, it's much colder in my room than it is out here. And secondly, if he needs me, I won't be able to hear him calling."

I just stared at him.

_Totally ridiculous_.

"Gojyo? What's the matter?"

I wondered what kind of face I was making, but I had a pretty good idea.

"Nothin'." I smiled, and then I walked over to look out the window, but the night was almost completely white from the blizzard, and I knew there was no way I was going anywhere.

I wound up going to bed early, since there wasn't anything better to do, and then I was too cold to sleep. I dozed off a few times, but I always woke up again, shivering and cursing Banri for picking out such a shitty, drafty, little shack.

Eventually, I got up to go find some extra blankets, but the linen closet was totally empty, and I remembered that Hakkai had taken everything out of it to make a bed for his dragon. I glanced around, toward the living room, and then back toward Hakkai's room. The house was completely dark and silent, and I figured it was about three in the morning. Outside, I could see the snow, still falling, heavily, and blowing in the wind, and I figured tomorrow was going to be just like today, and there was no reason I should be freezing cold all night long.

I went into the living room and stood over the couch, half-expecting to see Hakkai sleeping there with his new pet, but the dragon was there alone, curled up into a tight, white ball. I guess he wasn't hurt so bad that Hakkai thought he had to be with him all night.

Snorting, I reached down, grabbed a fistful of blankets, and yanked them out from under the dragon.

It flopped over with a startled screech.

"Sorry, smokey, but this's my shit."

The thing kept shrieking at me, flapping its good wing and bobbing its head like a bird, and it even took a snap at my hand.

"Damn, chill out."

The shrieking didn't stop, and I was starting to worry it was going to wake Hakkai up.

"Sh. Sh. Sh. Quiet, quiet. I'm only taking one, for fuck's sake."

It still wouldn't shut up, and it was whipping its tail back and forth now, like I'd really pissed it off. The whole situation was insane.

I was just about to throw the blanket over it and go back to bed, when a voice, right next to me in the dark, said, "What are you doing?"

With a yelp, I spun around to find Hakkai standing right next to me, jumped back a few feet out of sheer surprise, "Shit, man, you startled the hell out of me. I didn't even hear you come out of your room."

He waited a moment before repeating, calmly, "What are you doing?"

"Nothin'. I was cold, then I remembered all the extra blankets were out here, so I just came to grab a couple. That's all."

"And you thought it would be all right to just come and take them from him?" I couldn't see his face, but I knew all too well the disapproving look he had to be wearing.

"Well, yeah. They're my blankets."

"Actually, if you want to put a label on them, I believe I purchased those, but ownership isn't what's important. I should think you could be a bit more sensitive to the fact that he's injured, and not wake him up in the middle of the night to destroy his bed."

I laughed at him, because he had to be kidding. There was just no way he was serious.

Hakkai did not laugh with me. "Really, Gojyo?"

The laughter was cut short. "Really, Hakkai. I'm frickin' cold—my room's the coldest room in the house-what was I supposed to do? You gave all the blankets to a dragon."

"I did it because he's injured."

Like that was supposed to change the whole situation.

With a sigh, I threw the blanket over the back of the couch, "Fine. My bad. Guess I can always wear my coat to bed." I shoved my hands in my pockets and headed back toward my room, where I dug around on my floor until I found the warmest sweatshirt I had, and put it on. I didn't even care if it was dirty or clean or whatever. It was too cold tonight to worry about that.

I had only just laid down again when there was a knock on my door, and then Hakkai called, "Gojyo? May I enter?"

"Do whatever you want."

He came in, holding a pair of heavy, perfectly folded blankets, "Here. If you want them."

I sat up, "Don't tell me you took his nest apart."

"No, they're off my bed." He handed them to me, and the first thing I noticed was how clean they smelled, like they were washed this morning.

"You don't have to."

"It hardly matters. I think I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight anyway."

Go figure.

"Well, thanks." I chuffed.

"Your room does get quite cold, doesn't it?"

"Yep. Thanks for the hand-out, pal." I waited for him to go away, but he just stood there.

"I'm sorry if I came across as being a bit domineering, just now. Having been woken up by that screeching, I was just startled and irritable."

"Whatever, it's no big deal. Good night."

He shrugged and headed for the door, but hesitated there to say, "If you're annoyed for some reason, you can just say so."

"I'm not annoyed. I'm tired."

"Very well then, I'll see you in the morning. Sleep well."

* * *

><p>The second day was just like the first. I got up late, but I was careful to be quiet when I left my room, even though I didn't know why I should bother. Hakkai spent the day looking after his dragon, and I didn't hassle him as much as I did yesterday, I just looked for ways to entertain myself. But, seeing how I spent a lot of my time away from home, I just didn't have a lot of stuff to do.<p>

When evening was setting in, I told Hakkai it would be cool if we made sukiyaki, since we hadn't done that in a while, but he just frowned and said that was a lot more work than he'd been planning on putting into dinner, so I wound up making some ramen, which he just bitched about, and then I spent the rest of the night getting drunk. I tried to get him to join me a couple times, but he just told me the same thing he said yesterday about not wanting to disrupt the dragon, and then he asked me to try to drink quietly.

I wound up polishing off the bottle in my room, and then I passed out there.

In the middle of the night, I woke up to a ton of ruckus in the other room: glass breaking, shit falling over with heavy thuds, the thump of something slamming against the window, and that obnoxious screeching.

"D-dammit…" I sat up, rubbing my head, which was throbbing, and then I got up and stumbled out of my room and down the hall, where I flicked the light on and stared in disbelief at the scene in the living room.

Everything had fallen over: the lamp, the dishes that were sitting on the counter, waiting to be put away, the little shelf where I was keeping the handful of movies and cds I'd actually gone out of my way to either steal or buy, at some point, and the curtains were falling off the wall. I saw that a bunch of shit had been knocked off the table too, including some glasses, a bottle of sake, and my favorite ashtray, which had shattered.

"Sonnova bitch!"

The dragon was fluttering around the house, flapping his good wing frantically, crashing into things and shrieking and attacking the windows, clawing at the curtains, falling to the floor, only to leap into the air and try again. He flew past my head, narrowly missing ramming right into my forehead, and I dove to the side a split second too late.

"What the hell's wrong with this thing?"

Behind me, I heard Hakkai open his door and come out of his room, "What did you do now?"

"Nothing! Your crazy dragon's out here going nuts for no reason."

"Really? No reason at all?" He didn't sound like he believed me.

"Hey, man, I was sleepin', alright? I didn't do nothin' to your damn pet."

Hakkai murmured something indistinguishable, and then he started trying to calm the lizard down. It took him a couple minutes, but he managed to catch it, cradle it in his arms a while, petting it and talking to it, and then it finally settled down again and went to sleep, and he put it back on its nest, then glanced at me. "Why do you suppose he did that?"

"Got me-it ain't _my_ dragon—what do you think it was?"

"I'm not sure. Perhaps he was suddenly struck by the urge to escape, or perhaps something frightened him."

"Like what?"  
>"Oh, I don't know. He could have had a nightmare, I suppose."<p>

"Hakkai. It's a _dragon_."

"I don't think that puts nightmares out of the question. He seems intelligent enough."

I didn't favor that with a response, just started to pick my way around the house, checking out the damage. A picture had fallen and was smashed, all the dishes that had been on the counter were broken, my favorite ashtray and my favorite shot glass were both shattered, the lamp, a vase, the overhead light in the kitchen, and one of the windows had a crack in it. "You gotta' be kidding me." I stooped over to pick up what was left of my shot glass, scowled over at Hakkai, "Your damn dragon broke a bunch of my shit, man."

Hakkai looked back at me steadily, "I'm sorry."

"_Why_?"

"Well, I didn't mean for that to happen, so naturally I feel remorseful that your belongings suffered-"

"Naw, I mean _why'd_ that thing go nuts an' start breakin _my_ shit?"

"I don't have an answer for that, Gojyo."

"Fuck." I threw down what was left of the glass and it practically exploded. "_Fuck_. A whole bottle of sake wasted."

"I'm very sorry. I'll replace everything as soon as I can get outside again."

"Yeah, how? Some of that stuff wasn't replaceable, Hakkai!"

"Such as what?"

"This's Banri's ashtray."

"Ah. A truly devastating loss."

"I mean, I dunno' where he got it. An' what about my shot glass? I got that when I was like _nine_."

Hakkai shook his head, and I half expected him to tell me it wasn't a big deal, and that I should just get over it and go back to bed, or go out in the snow and sober up. "I'm very sorry, Gojyo." He repeated. "I mean it. I'm sorry the dragon I brought into our house decimated things you can never get back. I'll pay you, if that's what you want."

He sounded like he really meant it, so I tried to let it go. It wasn't his fault. "No…" I got out a cigarette, then looked for my lighter, but it wasn't in my pocket. I remembered I'd left it on the kitchen table, with everything else. Like everything else, it was no longer on the table. I scoured the floor for it but didn't see it. "Where the fuck's my lighter?"

"What?"

"My lighter, my lighter. Where the hell is it?"

"I'm sure it's where you left it."

"Yeah. On the table?"

He scanned the kitchen too, "It must be here somewhere."

"Shit. It better be."

He came over and helped me look.

I got down on my hands and knees to search.

"There's a lot of glass on the floor." He reminded me, but I'd already cut my palm on some, so I didn't really care.

We looked all over for it, and Hakkai even cleaned up a bunch of the debris, but we didn't find my lighter. I started to feel frustrated.

"Where the fuck'd it go?"

"I'm not sure."  
>"Dammit!" I punched the fridge, suddenly. "That little bastard lost my lighter!"<p>

"Now, now. It must be here somewhere."

"Well it isn't, okay? I don't see it anywhere, do you? That piece of shit dragon knocked it off to hell knows where!"

"Calm down." He said firmly.

I was on my feet, "Don't tell me to calm down! I wanna' smoke this fuckin' cigarette!"

"That was not the only lighter in the world." Already he was getting a book of matches out of a nearby drawer. He struck it and lit the cigarette for me. "There, you see?"

I took a sharp drag, "What about my lighter?"

"We'll find it, sooner or later."

"What if we don't? What if it's gone forever?"

"I find that highly unlikely."

"I don't! That stupid dragon knocked it into oblivion! What're you gonna' tell me? I can't leave the shit I like on my own table now?"

"Of course not."

"Damn straight, of course not!"

"Stop shouting before you wake him up again-"

"See if I give a damn!"

"Gojyo, your lighter isn't lost forever. I'm positive. We'll find it later, once we've fixed the light and cleaned up in here a bit."

"That's bullshit! There's no reason I shouldn't have it right now!"

"Come now. You're drunk, and you're tired, and you're losing your composure without due cause. Why don't you finish your cigarette and go back to bed, and tomorrow I'm sure we'll find your lighter."

I glared at him, but he just touched my arm for a second and said softly, "Please try to calm down."

I snorted, "I told you I'd just lose the thing."

"It isn't your fault."

"Damn straight it's not." I stepped around him and went back to my room, where I spent about fifteen minutes making sure the lighter wasn't there, and then I gave up and threw myself down on the bed and fell asleep, mad as hell.

* * *

><p>In the morning, the snow hadn't stopped yet. I wasn't pissed anymore, but I was a little irritated. I did a quick walkthrough of the kitchen, but my lighter wasn't there anymore than it had been last night, and then I went outside to check out the weather.<p>

There was at least three feet of snow, and it was still falling, lightly, and the air was freezing. I found our snow shovel and tried to dig out, because I didn't think I could handle one more day at home like this, but it was no use. I hadn't gotten very far when Hakkai stuck his head out the door and almost demanded, "What in the world are you doing _now_, Gojyo?"

"Digging out—I'm getting goddamn cabin fever."

"Come back inside."

"I'm busy, dude."

"Look, if this is about your lighter, then I'm terribly sorry, but-"

"It's not about my lighter, I just don't want to sit around here three days in a row and do nothing."

He sighed, like I was being stubborn, "Listen to me. First of all, it's below zero out there, and I don't think you're dressed properly for snow removal. Also, if you fall down and get hypothermia, I'm not coming out to retrieve you. And lastly, it's pointless to start digging out when there's still snow falling, so come back inside."

"Mind your own business." I snorted, because I didn't want to acknowledge that he was right on at least two of those things.

"I'm reasonably certain that it _is_ my business. Especially if you fall down and get hypothermia, so for the last time, stop being stubborn and come back in here."

I stopped for a moment to look out at the woods, but they were quiet and dead, and I knew there was no way I could walk into town, not even if I dug all day. With a sigh, I stood the shovel up in the snow and went back inside.

By evening the snow had stopped, and in the morning, the sun was shining and the air was warmer, but it was still too deep to walk anywhere, so I just stayed home again, and by that time, I was starting to feel just a little bit resentful of the dragon.

"We've only been snowed in for five days." Hakkai murmured. He was at the kitchen window, holding his dragon in his arms and petting its head as he looked out.

I took a sip of coffee and said nothing.

"All things considered, that's not so bad."

I just snorted.

He turned to look at me, "You certainly seem irritable this afternoon."

"Five days is a long time to sit here and do nothing." I grumbled.

Hakkai laughed a little, "When you're accustomed to going out every night, I'm sure it's very devastating."

"It's just really damn _boring._" I sighed.

"Well," he began walking into the living room. "I was thinking of attempting to walk into town, regardless of the snow that's left. We're running low on food, and I need more bandages and whatnot."

I stood up immediately, "I'll come with you then."

"That's the spirit. What's snow up to our thighs anyway?" He laughed.

It was really going to suck—we were going to get soaked, and then we were probably going to freeze—but if I got to get out of the house after almost a whole week, I was down.

We grabbed our coats and shit and stepped outside. Snow was dripping off the trees, and there was definitely still almost three feet of it, and the air was icy. I took a deep breath.

Before I could shut the door, the dragon swept past my head with a short but shrill cry.

"Dammit!" I ducked away, "I thought that thing couldn't fly!"

"He shouldn't." Hakkai said with a frown, catching it in his arms. "What is it, little one? Could it be you wish to accompany us?"

The dragon nudged at his face, chirping.

"I'm not sure you should, I'm afraid, the weather being what it is."

I sighed and puffed my cigarette impatiently.

"Don't worry though. We'll return soon."  
>The dragon nipped at the collar of Hakkai's jacket, and then fluttered to the ground, landing light as a feather in the snow, but he wasn't there very long. There was a weird puff of gray smoke, a strange popping sound, and the dragon was gone, a boxy, green car sitting right where it had been.<p>

With a scream, I stumbled back against the door, "Wh-what the hell?!"

Hakkai stared at it a long, long time, and then he finally murmured, "Well that's…unexpectedly convenient."

"Unexpected? _Convenient?! _Hakkai. That thing just turned into a freaking car!"

"Yes, I see. A Jeep to be exact, if I'm not mistaken. As I said, very unexpected, but also…almost exactly what we need right now."

I couldn't believe how calm he was being about it. "That is not normal. That is just plain _freaky_, okay? Things don't just turn into cars."

The car was already rumbling, cheerfully, it seemed, and I heard a familiar chirp.

"It seems he's still conscious in that form, doesn't it?"

"That's fuckin' freaky, Hakkai! What the hell kinda' dragon did you pick up?"

He turned to me, completely unbothered, "Why are you so alarmed by this?"

"Why? Damn, I wonder! I've never seen a dragon that could transform into a car before-"

"You said you've never seen a dragon."

"Can it, smart ass. I've never seen _anything_ that could transform into a car before, have you?"

"Well, no, I must admit I haven't. Still…it's not exactly threatening."

"How do you know? What else do you think it can do? Maybe it's gonna' transform into a giant robot next."

He laughed at me, "Oh, come now. That's absurd."

"So is _this_. What kind of animal transforms into a car?"

"Now that's an interesting question. Hmm." He put a finger to his mouth, staring hard at the Jeep for a long moment. "It could be…and this is all just speculation, you understand… I have noticed that some of his wounds look to be chemical burns, or else they're results of some sort of maltreatment—not at all the kind of thing a dragon would be confronting in the wild—and he seems rather used to people. It crossed my mind that he's been in captivity. In light of this new event, I think it's possible that he's some sort of escaped experiment."

"Experiment?" I edged up to stand next to him, but I was really expecting the Jeep to turn into a robot and try to blow my face off.

"Yes. Of sorts." He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. "This seems the kind of thing that could only result from the combination of human science and youkai magic."

"Go figure. You're just running into that kinda' shit all over the place lately."

He didn't respond to that, but moved closer to the Jeep, which chirped at him. "Still, it now begs the question, is it really wise to drive in him?"

"Why? You think it's gonna' like…fly apart or something? Freak out, maybe?"

"No, it seems sturdy enough. That is, _he_ seems sturdy enough… Oh dear. The structural integrity of this…vehicle is not what I'm questioning, rather…seeing how, in his other form, the Jeep is injured, I can't help but wonder if he's weakened in this state as well."

"Meh, who can drive anyway? I haven't driven in forever."

He cocked an eyebrow at me, "You've driven?"

"Um, yeah. Like once. With Banri."

"Always with Banri. I don't very much trust the driving school of Banri."

"Yeah, I don't either."

"In that case." He opened the driver's side door, "I suppose it's up to me."

I stayed where I was. "Can _you_ drive?"

Hakkai raised another, this time offended, eyebrow at me, "Well, naturally _I_ can drive."

"You got a license?"

"I do have a driver's license, yes, not that I would expect that to matter to you, or to anyone else in this town. Do you?"

I snorted at his snide tone, and muttered under my breath, "Being locked up in this house together for five days really sucked. And no."

"Well then, shall we?"

Still, I didn't move. "I dunno'. Do you think that thing can actually move in this snow? There's a lot of it."

"Hm. I'm not sure. It's not very fair to push him, but he seems to think he can, or else I don't think he would have shown us this form just yet."

I hesitated a second longer, because I wasn't sure I really wanted to ride in the freak-dragon-turned-Jeep thing, but…

Slowly, I glanced back at the house, with its stillness and emptiness, and I didn't think I could sit here for another day, so I shrugged and moved forward to climb in, "We're probably gonna' get killed."

* * *

><p>The drive wasn't terrible. The snow <em>was<em> crazy deep, so we had to go kind of slow, but the Jeep didn't break down, or blow up, or transform into a giant robot, and Hakkai was a pretty good driver—not that I was a great judge of that, but he was way better at it than me or Banri—so the biggest issue was that it was just really, freaking cold, since the car didn't have a top and the wind was blowing. By the time we got into town, I thought my ears were going to fall off.

Everyone stared at us as we drove down the street, kids chased us, and people pointed and shouted and even laughed. I didn't think anyone in this town had ever seen a car before.

"This will make grocery shopping so much easier." Hakkai said, probably just to himself, as we pulled off next to the store.

I turned to give him a questioning look, "Right. Until you release the thing back into the junkyard, or the wild, or wherever something insane like this belongs."

He didn't answer or look at me, and I didn't like that, because it meant he was getting attached to the little freak of nature, and having it around for a couple weeks, or a month or something while it recovered, would be a lot different than putting up with it forever.

I suppressed a sigh and stood up to climb out over the door, "Well, I'm gonna' go hit up the bar. Swing by when you're done."

"You're not going to help me?"

"Hell no. You think that's what I came for?"

"I suppose that was wistful thinking on my part." He sounded vaguely disappointed.

"You got your special little helper, right? Besides, I'm sick of your face." I stopped, to make sure he knew I was kidding, "Come get trashed with me when you're done shopping. We were stuck at home for way, way too long."

"We'll see."

It wasn't a reassuring answer, but I didn't let it bother me, because I knew he didn't want to hang out at home anymore either, so he'd probably be along when he was done with his errands.. I headed to the nearest bar, which was pretty dead, and nobody I normally hung out with was there, but I didn't want to go tramping all over town looking for them, so I stayed put, ordered a beer, and started playing some pool by myself.

I think I was staring my second beer, and I was just beginning to unwind, when Hakkai came through the door, frowning intensely.

I raised my bottle to him anyway, because it wasn't the 'I'm pissed as fuck at you now' frown, so I figured somebody else pissed him off, or didn't give him the right amount of change, or something. "Hey there, stranger. That was fast. You already finished your-"

"I'm afraid I was only able to get a few very essential items, and now we have to be getting home, immediately."

It wasn't like him to cut me off like that for nothing, so I was too stunned to answer at first. "Uh, why? We just got here. I thought we were gonna' hang out a while."

"I thought so too, but unfortunately, we won't be able to tonight."

"Did something happen?" I looked past him, but no one was there, and I didn't know anyone in this town who'd be nuts enough to mess with Hakkai. If that person _did_ exist, they'd have to be extra insane to follow him to where I was and see if they could hold up against the two of us at the same time. Everybody in a two-hundred mile radius knew better than that, because we'd beaten the shit out of all who'd ever crossed us.

"It was stupid, is all, thinking he'd be up to this. I should have thought it through a little more before jumping the gun, but I was excited—understandably so—but it turns out I was right. It just isn't fair."

It took me a second to figure out he was talking about his new car. "Yeah, so what's the deal? You get a flat, or something?"

He glared at me, "Don't be so insensitive."

"No, seriously. I'm totally confused, because I thought we were gonna' hang out here, get away from the house for a while, shake the cabin fever, and _then_ go home, and now you're in here, rambling mad about your pet, or whatever you want to call that thing, saying we have to go home. Sorry, but I'm not connecting the dots."

I could tell that annoyed him, but I was feeling annoyed too. "How much clearer do you want me to make it? Jeep is still injured, and I think I need to take him home at once."

"You expect me to go home because that thing's not one-hundred-percent up to speed?"

"I don't _expect_ it, no, but if you don't come with me now, you'll have to walk home."

"Is that some kinda' threat, Hakkai?"

"Honestly? Does it _sound_ like a threat to you? It's just the truth—if you want a ride home, you have to accompany me now." He added, a little softly, "I'm sorry."

I studied him a while, and my annoyance was getting worse, along with the resentment I'd felt take hold a couple days ago. I didn't think he was doing this crap to me on purpose, but I was slightly surprised by it all. I guess, honestly, I wasn't used to there being something between us. Even more honestly, I wasn't used to having to fight to get what I wanted from him. If I let myself think it, the truth was, I wasn't used to having to share him. I was used to blowing him off when I felt like it, and being with him when I wanted to.

That reality was almost embarrassing, so I just turned away to take a shot at my game, and said, as casually and indifferently as I possibly could, "So go."

It took him a while to answer, "Do you actually mean that?"

"You're really gonna' drive that thing home now?"

"I don't have a choice, really. He refuses to return to his normal form, or else he can't, so I-"

"Then see you later."

He still didn't just leave. I put a few more balls in their pockets waiting for him to say something.

"Are you angry?" He asked, eventually.

"Nope. I'm just not ready to go yet."

"Gojyo." He sighed, "It's a long ways home, and it's very cold today."

"I know where I live."

"There's a lot of snow."

"Like three feet, right? I know. It's not like I'm gonna' die."

"No, but…I don't _want_ to leave you here, all right?"

"I'm not gonna' leave just so _you_ don't feel guilty, Hakkai."

There was another moment of silence, "Do you have to be so stubborn all the time? Really? There isn't even anyone here. You're going to hang out at the bar, by yourself, all night, then walk home in three feet of snow, for what?"

I turned around and snapped at him, "Just go home."

He shook his head at me, "I give up. For the record though, I'm not leaving you of my own free will—this is _your own fault_." And then he left.

I puffed my cigarette and went back to my game, "Whatever."

* * *

><p>Walking home wasn't so bad.<p>

Actually, it was sucky, especially since it was the middle of the night, and the snow really _was_ up to my thighs, and it didn't take long for my legs and feet to turn totally numb, and then my hands and my ears were next, and on top of all that, I was kind of drunk, so really, the walk home was a total piece of shit, and I couldn't lie about it—I was a tiny bit pissed off at Hakkai for leaving me over some freaky-ass dragon that could transform into a car.

What kind of power was that anyway?

The lights were still on when I got home, and I groaned. I didn't really feel like talking to him right now, but if he was waiting up, that meant he wanted to talk to me, and I could probably just guess what he was going to say, and that would be about as productive as the actual conversation.

"I'm home." I called, stepping in and shaking some snow off my hair and clothes. "Shit it's cold out there."

He was on the couch with the dragon, which was back to its 'normal' form.

"Welcome back." He said quietly, without so much as a smile.

"Hn." I stripped off my wet coat and took it into the kitchen to hang it off the back of my chair, "What's up? You pissed?"

"I've been worried."

"Not worried enough to come back and get me, I guess."

"Don't be that way. I described the situation to you, and you didn't seem to care. I would have come back for you, if I could—you know I would—but I couldn't push him anymore. Just the exertion of driving there and back once took a toll and now he has a fever."

"That thing can get fevers?" I turned around, honestly surprised.

"Of course he can—he's a living thing, Gojyo."

I shrugged.

"At any rate, I seem to have found myself in a situation I couldn't possibly win, having to choose one or the other of you. I suppose I had hoped you would be a little more understanding."

"Just don't worry about it. You told me what was going on, and I chose to stay, so it's not like you left me there without saying anything."

"Yes, but never-the-less, I wish some sort of compromise could have been reached. I'm sorry you had to walk home in the snow."

"I'll live." I turned to head to my room, and I felt lucky to be getting out of this without some long, drawn-out discussion that would just turn into an argument.

"I know; you're tenacious. Still, Gojyo, I can't help but feel that I've somehow upset you, and I can't say exactly when or how that started. I was under the impression that this is okay."

"It is. I never said it wasn't."

"Yes, but after everything that's happened, I'd like to _make sure that this arrangement really is all right with you."_

_"Sure, it's fine. Being snowed in all this time got me miffed, that's all. It's sorta' crowded around this place these days."_

"I want you to really be sure you mean that, Gojyo." He insisted, almost firmly.

I thought about it for a couple minutes, and then nodded, "No, really. It's cool. It's not a big deal." And I really did mean it, because having the dragon around shouldn't matter so much, whether it was just a couple weeks, or forever. Besides, he was really trying to make this work, and I didn't think it was something that should be hard in the first place.

"Are you sure you really mean it?"

I smiled, "This is not a problem, pal."

He smiled back, "I'm glad to hear it."

* * *

><p>I meant it when I said that. I really meant that the dragon wasn't a problem, and I didn't want it to be a problem, and I'd do anything I had to in order to make it so it didn't turn into a problem, but for some reason, it seemed like, even though I honestly felt that way, Hakkai's dragon wanted to make it a problem, to a point where I even started to feel like it had some kind of personal beef with me.<p>

The day after my walk in the snow, I wound up getting sick, which was lame, and embarrassing, because I wanted to believe that just being out in the cold for a little while wasn't enough to do anything to me, but it was pretty full-blown, with the cough and the congested sinuses and the fever and everything else that comes with having a cold.

"I'm sorry." Hakkai said, for the one-millionth time.

"Shut up." I huffed, taking a shaky drag off my cigarette.

"In the end, it seems, I put you both in circumstances where you were bound to come down with something."

"It's nothing, okay? People get sick, and it's not the end of the world."

"No, of course not. It's very likely you were already on the verge of coming down with something, even before your walk home. I regret my role in all of it none-the-less."

"Never mind." I laid my head down on the table and shut my eyes. "Just shut up about it."

He poured some tea into a little, chipped cup, right next to my hand and said, with a sigh, "Well at least Jeep is feeling better. His fever seems to have broken, so perhaps most of my concern for him was for nothing. Do you want lemon, or sugar? I think we have some honey."

"Jeep." I muttered. "You're actually gonna' call it that?"

"It is a bit boring, I know, but he seems to respond to it. I considered calling him Hakuryuu, but that seemed rather stupid."

"'Jeep' or 'White Dragon'. Not very creative, are you?"

Hakkai laughed, "I'm afraid I'm not." I heard him stirring something into my tea, even though I'd never answered his question. Knowing Hakkai, it probably wasn't even something he'd offered. It was probably some weird ingredient only _he_ would put in his tea when he was sick, like pepper or wasabi, and I decided right then not to drink it. "And might I suggest you return to bed? Rest is the only sure road to recovery, I'm afraid."

"Naw… I'm gonna' leave here in a minute anyway." I sniffed.

"Leave? You mean to tell me you intend to go out tonight."

"I was cooped up in here for five days with you and that thing. Of course I'm going out."

"Well, yes, but, you shouldn't overlook the fact that you're ill."

"I'm not overlooking it. I just don't care."

"At any rate, try not to drink too much. Normally, I'd go with you, but I don't think I can this time."

"'Cause of the dragon?" I tried to hide the disappointment in my voice. Even after all this time, going out drinking with Hakkai was rare, and missing out on it, for anything, sucked.

"Yes, because of Jeep."

Then again, if he went out with me while I was sick, he'd probably just nag at me the whole time. I tried to tell myself it was worth it not to get nagged at, so I took it as it was and went out without him, and he nagged at me anyway, from the second I left, when he said 'perhaps you should take a heavier coat if you're not feeling well—it's terribly cold, and also, I recommend you don't overdo it on the drinking, oh, and you probably shouldn't be out too late either', to the moment I came back, when he said, 'I was beginning to think you'd passed out somewhere and was just about to depart to go look for you. I think it's highly, irresponsible, by the way, behaving like this when you're ill'.

He was probably right, anyway, so I planned to sleep late the next day, and I would have, if the damn dragon hadn't woken me up screeching, and when I stumbled out of my room, Hakkai greeted me with a somewhat hurried, "I apologize, Gojyo. I did my best to keep him quiet, but he seems rather agitated this morning."

It went on like that for days. Jeep was getting better slowly. Really slowly. Hakkai gave me unwanted updates on his condition every day, even when I straight up told him that I didn't give a shit. His normal wounds took a couple weeks to heal, but even when they were better, his wing still gave him trouble, but he didn't sleep so much, and he devoted all his awake time to breaking things around the house. He was always half-assed flying at windows, knocking crap over, off walls and shelves and wherever. He woke me up in the morning when I still had hours of sleep left to catch up on, and sometimes in the middle of the night too. I kept my mouth shut about it, for my roommate's sake, and tried to tell myself this would all be over soon, but the longer Jeep stayed, the more sure I felt that he was never going away.

For whatever reason, Hakkai really got a kick out of his damn dragon. When the thing was feeling better, it started riding around on his shoulder, chirping at him when he talked, like it could actually understand, and Hakkai bought him weird treats and food, and treated him like he was a little person. Every day I could see more and more clearly that Jeep was turning into a pet, and if Hakkai got too attached to him, there wasn't much hope of him ever leaving.

I wondered if I could let that happen? Could I share my living space and my patience and my courtesy and my house with that dragon forever?

After Jeep was feeling better, he started to get snappy with me. I don't know why, unless maybe he could sense that I didn't exactly like him, or that, as far as I was concerned, he wasn't totally welcome, or maybe it was something stupid like getting off on the wrong foot. All I knew was he was always hissing at me, or snapping at me, or screeching at me. Once or twice, he even dive-bombed my head, but he was smart enough to do that when Hakkai wasn't looking, and he never believed me when I told him his dragon had attacked me for no reason. I thought it could have something to do with being half-and-half. Maybe Jeep could smell the strangeness of my blood and it bothered him. I couldn't figure it out, and I didn't really give a damn about why, all I knew was, the thing didn't like me any more than I liked him.

That got us into a lot of stupid little fights. Fights where Jeep did something to piss me off—like taking my spot on the couch, or eating something off my plate—and I yelled at him, and he hissed at me, so I yelled more, and he started screeching in my face, and it went on until Hakkai came along and scolded me for picking fights with an animal, and demanded to know why we couldn't tolerate each other.

Hell if I knew why. I was trying my damndest to tolerate that freak, and it wasn't exactly working.

Sometimes, I expected Hakkai to tell me I was being silly, that I should appreciate what Jeep had been through, and that I should try to make friends with him because we had so much in common, but he never did. He was thinking it though. I knew it.

Still, there was nothing to do but grin and bear it, and if I couldn't grin, I might as well bear it, so I tried.

Until the little fucker bit me.

It was stupid. I was on the couch in the morning after I'd spent the night drinking heavily, and Jeep had already woken me up, shrieking, way too early—I was starting to think he was doing that on purpose—and the dragon was sitting in his homemade nest, which by that time felt like a permanent fixture of the couch, while Hakkai was in the kitchen cleaning up after breakfast.

Jeep was making noise about nothing. At first, it started as sort of an irritating chirp, over and over, and I got the feeling he was annoyed because I was there, in what was _obviously_ his space. I tried to ignore it, but it got louder and louder, until I could hardly hear myself think.

"Hey." I growled, turning to him, "Shut the fuck up. I've got a migraine, and I don't need some freaky excuse for a lizard making it worse."

Jeep went right on making noise.

"Seriously, what the hell's this thing's problem, Hakkai? Make it shut up."

Hakkai just laughed and muttered to himself, "As if I have the power…"

"It's _your_ dragon. C'mon dude. I've got a hangover."

"That isn't either of our faults, Gojyo."

"Still, you could be a little bit considerate…"

Jeep's squawking was getting more annoying by the second.

"What is the deal? God, I swear—how much longer do we have to keep this thing? Why?"

Hakkai didn't answer, and Jeep wouldn't shut up.

"It's a dragon with a busted wing and a car we can't drive. What good is it? What _is_ it anyway? A failed experiment? Great. That's just what this place needs—more failure." I dragged sharply on my cigarette and rubbed my pounding head, "Not really a car. Not really an animal. It's _neither_. It's a freak."

Jeep turned and shrieked, louder than ever, right in my ear.

"That does it!" I took a light swat at him, meaning to push his face away, but I missed, and Jeep took a chomp at me.

I felt tiny, needle-sharp teeth sink into my hand, deep, small, but powerful jaws clenching tightly.

"Owe!" I jerked my hand away, snapping my wrist to break loose, "You little bastard!"

The force knocked Jeep off the couch and he fell to the floor, screeching loudly, his irritating, high-pitched voice making my ears start ringing, his serpentine body flopping back and forth, broken wing beating uselessly. He screamed up at me, almost like he was accusing me of something.

I clutched my hand, wincing. There were four, small holes left on the inside of my thumb, all of them oozing a little blood already. "God damn."

Hakkai came in from the other room, face drawn in concern, "What on earth is going on here?"

"Hakkai." I turned to him, holding up my injured hand. "Your stupid dragon-"

"Jeep." He walked right past me and crouched down to gather the dragon up in his arms, and Jeep began to quiet immediately, his squawking dying down as he nestled into Hakkai's shirt, chirping and bobbing his head back and forth in agitation, but Hakkai stroked his head and his neck, and after a while, he was completely silent and still.

My roommate glared at me, "Do you have to be so careless all the time?"

"Me? He's the one that-"

"He's injured. I would expect you to have a little more sense than to just toss him on the floor like a discarded pillow."

"I didn't throw him on the floor! He fell off the couch."

Already Hakkai was setting Jeep back up on his nest, petting his head and scratching under his chin. He murmured some gushy nonsense at him, and I stood by, impatiently, still holding onto my bleeding hand.

"Hakkai."

"There, there, little one. Everything's all right. No need to fuss."

"_Hakkai_."

"Just rest."

"Hakkai!"

He looked up again, one finger to his lips, "Sh. What are you shouting about?"

"That freakazoid bit me."

"Well, you shouldn't have been provoking him."

"I _wasn't_! He was shrieking right in my damn face. What was I supposed to do? I wasn't gonna' hurt him or anything, I just _ barely_ touched him and _snap_. I didn't do a damn thing to upset your stupid lizard. I was minding my own business…"

Even as I was talking, he was getting up again, coming to me, and he grabbed my hand to look at the teeth marks, all but mumbling, "Now, now, now, now, now…"

"Don't _now-now_ me, Hakkai. That damn thing bit me for no good reason, and it's not my fault."

He was looking my hand over, barely listening to me, "Oh, it's not so bad. No reason to get excited, I'm sure."

"It _bit_ me. For nothing."

"It couldn't have been for nothing, Gojyo; Jeep simply doesn't have that kind of temperament."

It shouldn't have bothered me, but for some reason, it really, really did. I didn't like that he was taking freakazoid's side over mine, just assuming I'd done something to his stupid, new pet, not even caring what I had to say about it.

He started to dab the blood off my hand with a clean dishtowel he'd brought with him from the kitchen, but I wrenched away, suddenly, "I don't like that thing."

Hakkai raised his eyebrow at me. "_Thing_?"

"That…dragon-car, whatever the hell it is. I don't like it. I don't like having it in my house."

"_Our_ house."

"It doesn't like me, and I don't like _it_."

"_He_ likes you just fine."

I held my hand up to his face, "Yeah, looks like it."

Hakkai sighed, "What are you trying to tell me? Do you want me to get rid of him? Just take him back to where I found him? He's injured, and he'll die, and you know it."

I scowled at him. "Like I care."

"Come now, really? It's only been a few weeks—you just need to get used to each other, that's all."

"A few weeks? How long is it gonna' take, Hakkai? I never did anything to that little freak, it just-"

"Perhaps if you weren't so set upon referring to him as 'freak' and 'it', he would like you better."

"Maybe if _it_ wasn't a _dragon_ that can transform into a _car_, I would feel differently."

"Is that really why you don't like him?"

"I don't like him because he bit me, Hakkai!"

"This is absurd." He decided suddenly. "If you want me to get rid of him, just say so. I suppose I can always take him to an animal shelter, or ask around town and see if some kind-hearted old woman, or a loving family might want him. I won't deny that there are likely people out there who are better suited to nursing him back to health."

Was it really that easy? If I just said the words, 'yeah, please get rid of him', would he actually do it? That seemed a little too easy. Impossibly easy. Too good to be true, really. Besides, I didn't know if I really wanted to tell him that. I mean, yeah, I'd love to see the crazy thing gone, but…Hakkai really seemed to like him. He really seemed to like having something to nurture and look after. Even if he didn't say so, I knew he wouldn't want to get rid of his new pet.

Out of nowhere, I felt the weirdest sense of jealousy over it. Until Jeep came along, I was the thing Hakkai devoted all his girly, motherly attention to, and now it was like, nothing I wanted mattered anymore, because he had to babysit his stupid dragon. Still, who was I to take that away from him? I'd lived most of my life without attention—I didn't need it.

"No." I snorted. "I'm just letting you know, I don't like him."

Hakkai studied my face, obviously trying to make sense of my expression and tone, "If something else about his being here bothers you, you should just say so."

"I don't like that he flies around and knocks my shit over—"

"He only did that because he was trying to escape."

"I don't like that he breaks my stuff-"

"He isn't doing that on purpose, Gojyo. Honestly, you're being childish. Jeep is just an animal—he's not maliciously attacking your belongings. He doesn't even know what he's doing."

"You said if there was something that bothered me about his being here I should tell you. Well, there you go. I don't like him breaking my shit, and I don't like-"

I barely stopped myself before saying something stupid.

Hakkai waited patiently.

"It was so much easier living here without that thing."

He looked troubled, stroked Jeep's head. "Frankly, I can't understand why the two of you can't get along. Is it really that difficult to put up with one another?"

"Ask _him_."

"Of course. There you go, shifting the blame onto someone else, as usual. I don't think you can expect me to mediate this, Gojyo—the two of you have to work out some sort of understanding on your own."

He took a moment to wrap my hand, and then he went back to finish the dishes.

When he was gone, I hissed at Jeep, "Look here, you little freak of nature. I was here way before you came; this is _my_ house. You got that?"

Jeep growled at me and laid his head down again.

"Keep messing with me, and I'll feed you to Goku. I swear."

Of course Goku _loved _Jeep. He thought he was the coolest thing ever—when he saw him for the first time, all he wanted was to pet him and play with him and have a great time with him, and Jeep acted like he really liked Goku back. Even Sanzo was interested in where he came from and what his story was, and he'd listened to every single one of Hakkai's great theories about Jeep being an escaped experiment, being a product of science and magic, and had even given some of his own, because he knew of a research lab somewhere west of here. Everyone thought the dragon was really, fucking special, I just thought he was a pain in the ass.

"He seems really useful." Goku had said happily, "If he can turn int' a car."

"Hn. Maybe the two of you will actually be able to get things done on time." Sanzo had added.

I'd snapped "What makes you think we're gonna' keep him that long? You want us to hang onto him just so you can get your shit work done quicker? Why don't _you_ keep him and start running your own errands from now on?"

Goku and Sanzo had both stared at me like I was acting crazy, and Hakkai had given them a quick, silent explanation, "Yes well…Gojyo doesn't exactly like him."

"Wha?" Goku had squawked, "Why not? He's so cool! He's a _dragon! _An' he can turn into a _car_! I've never seen a car before…what's a car? Can you eat it?"

No one had answered him, but I'd snorted, "I don't think it's that cool—it's freaky."

Sanzo had raised an eyebrow at me, said stoically, "Where do _you_ think something like that comes from?"

"Ohh yeah. We should be best friends, is that what you're telling me, Sanzo-sama? He's freaky. _I'm _freaky. Hell, I'll go right now and get him a doggy biscuit and a new collar, how's that?"

"I didn't say that, you insecure, little bastard."

"I'm not insecure—I don't give a damn about how that thing was made."

Sanzo had just slid a glance at Hakkai, who had shook his head and changed the subject, quickly.

Whatever. Fuck everybody. I didn't care what they thought, and after Jeep bit me, I decided that, as soon as he was well enough to make it on his own, I was going to convince Hakkai to get rid of him, no matter what it took.

"There's just one freak too many in this house."

* * *

><p>"I'm heading off to town. Please look after Jeep while I'm away. His wing is nearly healed, but he still needs to take it easy."<p>

I turned to him, quickly, "You're not taking him with you?"

"No, I don't think so. As I said, I think he could use some more rest, and taking him into town seems like unnecessary exertion for him."

Scowling, I said, "You're gonna' leave him here with me?"

"I have faith that you can handle that." He returned calmly, going to get his coat off the kitchen chair.

"'Kay, well you better not be gone very long, 'cause I'm not gonna' feed him or give him any meds, or change his bandages or anything like that."

"I didn't ask you to. I know you don't like him; all I want you do to is stay here with him and make sure he doesn't fall off the couch or try to fly around the house and further damage his wing."

"Fine." I grumbled, turning away again, "Just hurry and come back."

"I'll have returned before you even know it." He gave a slight smile, a brief wave, and was gone.

I bitched to myself about it for a little while, and Jeep leapt up onto the window sill, obviously watching Hakkai go, and crooning sadly.

"Get over it." I snapped at him, "He's not _that_ great."

Jeep turned his head to hiss at me, like he wanted to argue about that.

"You barely even know him. Sure, he seems like a great guy at first, and then he starts pulling shit like _this_ after a while."

Jeep ignored me and went back to gazing out the window.

Hakkai had only been gone for about fifteen minutes before there was a knock on the door.

At first, I ignored it, but whoever was out there kept knocking and wouldn't go away, and then, when a few minutes had passed, and I still hadn't answered, I heard someone messing with the lock, like they were going to try to bust into my house.

More pissed than ever, I threw my newspaper down, ground my cigarette, viciously, into the ashtray, and stomped to the door, throwing it open so hard it clattered against the wall, "Can I help you?"

There were three guys standing there, each one dorkier looking than the last one. Real intellectual types. There was a tall, skinny kid, probably a year or two younger than me, a meaty, not quite fat dude with greasy, black hair and bad skin. The guy who'd been knocking on the door was my height, wiry and bony, like a skeleton, with thin, blonde hair and light, brown eyes. All three of them were wearing glasses.

"I hope so." The man with blonde hair said, at once, and he didn't even look startled. "My name is Doctor Pu-jin Chao, and these are my associates, doctors Bin and Jozu."

I cocked my eyebrows at them, "'Kay, so what're you selling? Vacuums?"

"We're not selling anything." Pu-jin said, seriously, adjusting his glasses. "We've actually come here looking for something."

"Must be pretty important if you thought you could just break into my house."

"It's an emergency." The fat guy said, in a blubbery voice. I think he was Bin.

"So call nine-one-one and get off my doorstep—I don't have anything for you, and besides, the man of the house went to out buy new knitting needles, so you better come back later."

They all just looked at me, not one of them so much as cracking a smile. They didn't even seem annoyed, just really, really serious. All combined, they probably had a sense of humor that was worse than Sanzo's.

"I'm sorry, but we can't accept that response. We have reason to believe you're hiding stolen property here, and we need it to be returned to us at once."

I studied him a little longer, "So…this is about the stereo?"

Pu-jin blinked, like maybe he didn't even know what a stereo was. Or like maybe he couldn't believe I'd stolen a stereo.

"That was like five years ago, and you're coming to get it _now_? Damn, the thing's so out of date, you might as well just buy a new one."

"We're not here for any stereo." The skinny kid—Jozu, I guess—said, and his voice was three times as serious as their overall demeanor. I bet the guy had never laughed in his whole life.

"Well, I'm sick of guessing, so why don't you tell me what it is you think I stole from you, and maybe I'll check around to see if I still have it. It's been a long time since I took anything without askin', so-"

"You'd know if you have _this._ We're looking for a life form referred to as experiment number 620. 620 was being transported from our research facility to a secure location for termination, but it managed to escape. It's considered highly dangerous, and it must be returned to us at once. According to a number of people in the area, 620 has been spotted at this location."

I gawked at him. Did he mean what I think he meant?

"So now, we'd appreciate your cooperation."

"Wait, what are you talking about? What's this thing look like?"

Pu-jin sighed like I was really annoying him, "620 has the appearance of a small, white dragon, but it can also take the appearance of a green Jeep-like vehicle. We've been informed by multiple witnesses that it's here."

"The dragon?" I blurted. "You're here for _that_? Damn, dude, shoulda' said so." I gestured for them to come in, "So it belongs to you, huh? That's great. I was just about sick of that little bastard." I paused to think, for just a split second, of what I was going to tell Hakkai when he came back and Jeep wasn't here, but it didn't really matter to me at that point. I could tell him anything—he flew out the window, or he died, or someone came to take him away—all that mattered was, that freak was finally going to be out of my hair. "His wing's sorta' messed up, so he's just been hanging around here, getting in the way and making noise."

They followed me in, none of them saying a word, and I marched right over to Jeep, where he was perched on the back of the couch, "Look who came to get you, buddy. Your old friends. Now you can go home and get out of my hair at last."

Jeep growled, showing his teeth, but he was looking past me, at Pu-jin, who was coming up behind me. Jeep recoiled and clucked, bobbing his head back and forth in that now too-familiar, agitated movement.

Pu-jin scowled down at him, "620. At last. We've looked all over…" He hesitated to take a long, hard look at me. "It seems suiting that we should find it here."

I glared at him, and I knew exactly what he was talking about, and it made me want to kick him straight in the balls and out of my house, but this was my chance to get rid of the dragon, so I tried to control myself. "Whatever, just take it and get out."

Bin and Jozu were coming up on either side of Pu-jin, and I saw that Jozu had a small, black, plastic bag, and Bin had a hypodermic needle. I guess they were planning to take the little guy by force.

"Now, 620…" Pu-jin made a grab for Jeep, but the little guy darted away at the last second, leaving the snooty scientist snatching at the air.

For a couple minutes, the three of them chased the Jeep around my house, knocking things over and bumping into each other, and leaping at him, but they weren't too successful at catching him, which was really something, since his wing still wasn't healed. I wasn't even surprised he'd gotten away from them in the first place.

I stood by and watched and bitched when they broke something and smoked, and started thinking maybe I should just kick them out after all. If nothing else, maybe I could catch Jeep and bring him out to them. Anything would be better than having a bunch of asshole scientists bust up my house.

Screeching, Jeep flew over to me, zipped past my head and landed on my shoulder. I felt his little claws dig into the back of my neck, just a little, as he crawled around behind my head, like he was hiding, poking his head through my hair on the other side to peer at them as they drew in closer.

It was weird…but something about having him literally hiding behind me made me feel kind of…

"This is the end of the line, boy." Pu-jin snarled, like it was _my_ fault they couldn't catch the lizard-car. "Hand that creature over."

_Creature…_

Pu-jin was right. It wasn't an animal. It wasn't a car. It wasn't…anything really, but it did exist, so that made it a thing. A creature. A freak of nature.

Jeep crooned, almost pleadingly, and nestled into my hair like he thought I'd protect him.

I glanced toward the door, wondering just how long Hakkai would be gone. What should I tell him when he came back? That I couldn't carry out his simple request to look after the dragon? His pet. Or that, even though I'd said this was okay, I didn't really mean it, so when some people came looking for Jeep, I'd just handed him over?

It would be so easy to reach up, grab Jeep around the neck, pull him down from my shoulder, and stuff him into Jozu's waiting, black bag…

_I'd be rid of the little creep forever._

I wondered how close it would be to think 'it would be so easy to just grab the axe and hack him into pieces, bury him out back, behind the house. I could tell Jien he ran away from home, and he'd be none the wiser—then I'd be rid of the little creep forever.'

"Hello?" Pu-jin demanded. "Didn't you hear me?"

I realized I was staring into space, one hand raised to lightly touch the scars on my face. I wasn't even breathing.

"That thing must be returned to us at once." Bin squawked.

"Why?" I demanded suddenly. "What're you gonna' do with him?"

Pu-jin adjusted his glasses, "It's as I said. When 620 escaped, it was en route to a secure location where it was scheduled to be terminated. Unfortunately, 620 was a mistake—an experiment gone wrong—and it's our civic duty to see to it that its put down. Humanely."

"You're gonna' kill him?"

As it turned out, Pu-jin _did_ have a sense of humor. A really nasty one. His mouth twisted into a sick smile, "Hanyou, you're not very bright are you?"

Already I was drawing back a little.

Pu-jin stepped forward, "Now give that abomination to me."

"No." I growled softly.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said no. Never. Get the fuck outta' my house—go fuck yourself—I don't care, but there's no way you're getting Jeep."

Pu-jin's expression turned dark, but it was more than just annoyed or angry or determined. It was cruel and hateful and full of scorn. "I see how it is. One abomination protecting another abomination."

"Yeah, well who made him that way? Things don't just get born like this."

His eyes were narrow slits, "_Some _things _are_ born unnaturally though, aren't they? I'm warning you, boy, this could go very badly for you unless you hand 620 over. Theft is no light offense."

"I didn't steal your dragon."

"But you seem intent on keeping it from us." He was getting closer.

I held my ground.

"If you're just gonna' kill him, why not leave him here and forget about it? No one has to know."

"620 is too weak to exist on the outside world, and much too dangerous to be kept by civilians. It must be terminated, and we can't allow anything to stand in our way. Especially not a silly, ignorant, little Child of Taboo with an idealized sense of heroism."

"Heh. You're definitely not taking him now."

Pu-jin hesitated to glare long and hard into my eyes.

I stared back at him, refusing to let this dick intimidate me.

Slowly, he started to smile again, and then he checked over his shoulder to where his two friends were standing, patiently waiting for orders or action or a pizza to be delivered, or something. "Well, Bin. Jozu? Tell me something. Have either of you ever had the opportunity to perform an autopsy on a hanyou before? I've heard rumors that their physiology doesn't quite match that of either a human's or a youkai's."

"I've heard that as well." Bin nodded. "Fortunately, I've never had to dissect one." Then he wrinkled his nose.

"I've always rather wanted to." Jozu said coldly. "The Children of Taboo fascinate me." He fixed his beady, little eyes on me.

"Hey, jack-off." I barked at Pu-jin, "Coming in here and trying to take away the dragon is one thing, but you've got some serious balls to come into my house and start threatening me."

None of them seemed bothered, and I wasn't surprised.

"Well, hanyou." Pu-jin reached into his coat pocket, pulled out a small, black pistol, and aimed it right at my face, "Do you think anyone will miss you?"

"_Miss_ me?" I spat. I thought about how insane Hakkai would go if he came home and found me with a bullet in my head, and it actually made me laugh, even though I think my heart had stopped beating about ten seconds ago, "Damn, dude. Leme' tell you, for your own good, you had better fucking not."

"For my own good?"

"Let me put it this way, my roommate's probably smarter than all three of you put together, and he's probably the strongest youkai you'll ever come across. On top of that, he's totally insane." Was it a threat? Was it maybe, partially, a really pathetic stab at scaring him into putting the gun away? Of course. But it was also very, very true.

"Yes, but you have to ask yourself: Is he going to care? While you're thinking about that, you should also ask if it's worth it to die for a failed experiment like 620."

"Yes. And I have no idea. Probably not. But…I'm still not giving him to you."

"Well then." Pu-jin cocked his pistol, "You're about to find the answer to the age-old question. Do hanyous have souls?"

I stared down the barrel of the gun, mind racing. There was barely three feet between us. If he pulled the trigger I was going down. Unless he was really a terrible aim… No, fuck that. Nobody could miss from that close.

Great, so I was probably going to die for Hakkai's stupid dragon, and then these assholes were just going to take the little freakshow away anyway, and the only tiny sliver of consolation I could think of was that Hakkai probably really was going to hunt them down and slaughter them.

Suddenly, Jeep shrieked, right beside me, his shrill voice making my ears ring, and he launched off my shoulder and flew at Pu-jin, clawing at his face, flapping his wings and biting ferociously.

Pu-jin screamed.

The gun went off and I felt the bullet go past my ear.

"Shit!" I dove to the side and came up again, grabbed Pu-jin by the wrist and knocked the gun out of his hand.

By that time Bin and Jozu were rushing at me.

I scrambled after the gun.

Jeep was clawing Pu's face bloody, still shrieking at the top of his tiny lungs.

"Dammit, Jeep, get out of here!" I got my hands on the gun, only to have some asshole kick me from behind and knock me on my face, and then I lost my grip on it again, and it went skittering over to the other side of the kitchen.

With a shout, I summoned my shakujou, leapt to my feet again, twisted around and took a swipe at Jozu, lost control of the crazy thing, and the sickle and chain went flying through the air, broke the window way over on the other side of the room.

"Son of a bitch." I muttered. I hadn't had it all that long, and I still really had no idea how to use it.

Either way, the three of them seemed pretty intimidated.

Just for a second though.

Pu-jin smacked Jeep away, at last, his face all torn to shit. "Don't just stand there! Do something!"

Bin and Jozu moved toward me again, at the same time, while Pu-jin worked on catching Jeep.

I ducked under the fist Jozu threw at me, trying to remember how the hell I got the chain to retract. I jerked on it, more frustrated than anything, and kicked Jozu, hard, in the knee. I heard it snap. He screamed and hit the floor, writhing in pain.

Jeep landed on my shoulder again. I could hear him panting and it sort of sounded like he was in pain too. Not that I really knew how that would sound.

Pu-jin and Bin were circling toward me. Jozu was struggling to get up.

"Surrender." Pu-jin ordered. "You're outnumbered."

I wondered if they had any more guns between the three of them.

"No chance in hell, Pu. If you want the dragon, you're gonna' have to do better than this."

I gave the chain another jerk, and this time it retracted, sawing through the legs of the end table by the couch on its way back.

It also hacked off Pu-jin's hand.

His face contorted in disbelief, which turned to horror and agony right away, and he started shouting obscenities, holding his bleeding stump of a wrist and screaming bloody murder. "You animal! You filthy, fucking animal!"

"Serves you right." I snorted. "Now get outta' my house."

Jozu staggered at me, hobbling on his broken knee, and I saw that he was holding a combat knife, which he tried to put through my eye.

I was done playing with these guys.

With one swing of the fixed blade, Jozu's head was rolling.

The other two stared at it in total disbelief.

I know, it was overkill. But they came into my house, with a gun, and tried to shoot me in the face. They deserved whatever happened to them.

For a long time, Pu-jin and Bin stood side by side and stared at me.

Bin was trembling. "Doctor…shouldn't we maybe just leave?"

"That thing must be exterminated." Pu-jin said firmly. "And I'm not so sure we wouldn't be doing the world a disservice if we left this hanyou alive as well."

"But your hand…"

"You're quite right, Bin. We'll have to hurry." He reached into his other pocket, with the only hand he had left, and got out something new. It looked like a taser.

I kicked it out of his hand, and then I knocked him into next week.

He crumpled to the ground like an empty sack.

"You guys are really something. I cannot believe you thought you could get away with coming in here and killing me." I glared at Bin.

His fat face was fixed in a fierce scowl, and he looked caught between furious and terrified. "Hanyou." He spat. "What they say about your kind is true."

"What do they say?" I drawled.

"Evil, cursed, unholy, sickening_ abominations_."

He charged at me, like an angry bear.

I started to take a swing at him, but he got to me first, and all his mass hit me at the same time, slamming me back against the wall.

Jeep screeched and fell off my shoulder.

I grappled with Bin for a couple minutes, but I wasn't worried about it—I was obviously a lot stronger than him—anyway, I wasn't worried until I felt a sharp twinge in my upper arm, and then his face twisted into a hideous, triumphant smile. "Good night, you curse."

I stared down at the needle that was sticking out of me, and I felt idiotic for letting myself overlook the fact that he had it. Already, things were starting to feel fuzzy. My senses were dulling, sight turning gray, hearing getting muffled, limbs starting to feel heavy and weak.

"It's all a matter of survival." Bin gloated, as I slumped back against the wall. "But, it doesn't hurt that, when I go back to the lab, alone, with the escaped experiment, and a living, breathing hanyou subject, I'll be sure to get a promotion. Or at least a raise."

"Good for you." I sputtered, jerking the needle out of my arm. I could barely feel it. I dropped it on the floor and used my shakujou to steady myself.

Bin laughed loudly, "Don't you get it, you idiot? I won!"

"Shut the fuck… _up_." I took one more swing with the sickle, watched it fly through the air, like I was in a dream. It sliced through his waist like he was made of butter.

Bin didn't even realize what was going on for a couple of seconds. His laughter was cut short, and he stood there with this funny, confused look on his face. "What…?" He touched his stomach, where blood was pouring away from a thin, red line, just above his naval. I watched without emotion as the two halves of his body slid apart and fell to the floor. He laid there, gasping and wheezing and gurgling up blood for a while.

I just was shocked I hadn't missed.

When he was dead, I leaned back against the wall and slid to the floor, letting the shakujou vanish again. My head was dizzy and it seemed like the room was spinning. My eyelids were heavy. I couldn't remember if Pu-jin was dead or just unconscious. I hoped he was dead, because I couldn't stay awake. I couldn't…stay…awake…

Jeep nuzzled at my ear and crooned.

I opened my eyes slightly. "Ne. You're welcome… Ya' owe me…big…"

They closed again.

It seemed like only a second later when someone shook my shoulder, a little roughly.

"Gojyo?!"

I pushed them off, out of reaction, groped around for a weapon for several moments.

"Gojyo! Are you all right?"

I blinked and stared up at Hakkai. His face was going in and out of focus. The room was turning dark. I was sitting up against the wall, Jeep stretched out over my lap, with his head resting against my thigh.

"Nn. Oh, yeah…"

"What's wrong? What happened? Who are these men? Did you kill them? Good heavens, I was only gone for an hour! Gojyo? Gojyo!" He slapped my face lightly, "Wake up!"

"Dude. Stop." I pushed his hand away. "'m okay…"

"What's wrong with you?"

"I'm…'kay…" I closed my eyes and let my head hang again. "'m…"

"Gojyo, wake up and tell me what happened. This instant! Gojyo!" He shook me even harder than before.

"Cut it _out_, dude. Jus' got drugged…"

"Drugged? With what?"

"Idunno'…" I found the needle lying on the floor next to me, grabbed at it and dropped it again. "Wh'ever's in that."

"What about these men?" He didn't sound even a little relieved like I expected him to. "Who are they? What were they doing here?"

"'Dunno'. Didn't say… They tried ta' kill me…"

He waited to see if I'd tell him more, and then he sighed. I barely felt him grab me under the arm and drag me across the room, and the next thing I knew, I was lying on the couch with Hakkai throwing a blanket over me. "I'm relieved." He murmured, but I couldn't see him anymore after that. I could barely even hear him. "When I saw you lying there like that, I thought you were dead. Did those men really not tell you what they wanted?"

I shook my head and closed my eyes again.

Hakkai said something else, but I couldn't make it out.

* * *

><p>When I came to again, I was still lying on the couch with the blanket, and Hakkai was sitting nearby, reading, and the whole house was dark except for the lamp he was using. Jeep was curled up on my chest, asleep. I still felt a little drowsy, but I wasn't in any pain, so I guess that meant I was okay.<p>

With a slight moan, I sat up. "What time is it?"

"Eight thirty. You've been unconscious for approximately four hours."

"Shit." I glanced around the room, saw a couple large bloodstains, but no bodies. "Where'd those guys go?"

"I disposed of them—I didn't want them stinking up the house—but we're going to have to do something drastic about the carpet. And by we, of course, I mean you."

"Why me?"

"You killed them, so it's your mess to clean up after."

"Damn, man, are you heartless?"

He shut his book and smiled, "Oh, I don't think so. Cleaning the carpet will be good for you. Perhaps you'll even learn some discipline."

I snorted.

"I gathered you resorted to using the shakujou, and since I found a gun in the kitchen, I can easily understand why, but I don't understand who those men were or what they wanted. While I was disposing of the bodies, one of them came to life; You apparently cut off his hand—I offered to wrap it for him, so he wouldn't bleed to death, but he ran away without a word—I also attempted to question him about the fight, and about what was injected into your bloodstream, and why, but he wouldn't answer any of my questions. He was extraordinarily unhelpful."

"Dunno', Hakkai." I yawned. "They just showed up here and threatened to kill me. That one asshole almost shot me in the face."

His expression showed that he didn't believe me. "What did you do to Jeep then? He hasn't left your side the entire time you've been asleep, and he seems strangely concerned."

"Huh? Who knows? He's just a weird little guy."

Hakkai cocked his head, "I see. Well. I'm glad you seem to be okay, and oh yes, before I forget." He leaned over and pressed something into my hand, "I found this while I was cleaning up, and thought you might like it back."

I looked down at it to see the silver gleam of my lighter. "Where was it?"

"Under the fridge. It must have slid there when it fell."

"What were you digging around under the fridge for?"

"I was looking for your lighter." He said, matter of factly. "Your complaints were growing unbearable."

Smiling, I closed my hand over the lighter again, "Thanks man."

Hakkai ruffled my hair—something he only did like once a year-and then stood up, "Now then, I think I'll make us some dinner." With that, he went into the kitchen.

I laid there a little while longer before sitting up all the way, and Jeep raised his head to look at me, chirping softly.

Hesitantly, I scratched behind his ears, muttering, "Yeah, well, don't get the wrong idea. I still don't like you."

He blew a light puff of smoke through his nose at me.

"And we don't need to tell him what those guys were after—it'd just freak him out."

I didn't know if more scientists were going to come looking for Jeep or not, and I didn't really care. I guess if they did, I'd slice them up too.

"Not 'cause I like you or anything, you pain in the ass, just…I get it. It sucks, huh?"

Jeep rubbed his head against my chin, then settled back down and went to sleep again.

I looked at him for few seconds, and then I laid down too. It seemed like it had been a really long time since the house was this quiet.


	24. Chapter 24

**I really, really like this one, because I enjoyed working on the dynamic between all the characters. It just took me forever to get motivated and work on it...  
><strong>**Still, it's a nice change of pace. :3  
><strong>**Enjoy**

* * *

><p>Equaling Heaven<p>

**Goku**

"Hey, hurry it up, monkey!"

"Don't call me monkey, _kappa_!"

"Heh. Maybe if you'd quit running around looking for bananas, I'd stop."

I glared up from the berry bush I was looking at. "They ain't bananas, ass-face! They're berries!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

The two of them were going up the road ahead of me, side by side.

Hakkai called over his shoulder, "In any case, you'd better not eat them, Goku. I don't think they're edible."

"Edible…" I looked back down at the handful of red berries in my hand.

"To put it simply, those particular berries are probably poisonous."

"Ha. You don't know anything, do you, twerp?"

Hakkai looked at him, "You didn't know that either."

"Says who?! I know plenty about berries! I got to—with you lecturing about shit all the time, how can I _not_?"

They bickered. I figured Hakkai would win—I'd known them both long enough to see that Hakkai usually won when they bickered.

"Bleh." I dropped the berries, wondering if an animal would eat them and die, then wiped my hand on my pants and ran after them.

"I don't recall ever giving you a verbal dissertation on berries, Gojyo, and I refuse to believe you've so much as touched one of the numerous edible plant guides that I own—by the way, books are not harmful, and, in most cases, won't burn or bite—therefore, I really don't think you knew any better than Goku did. Oh." He gave him a serious look. "You didn't eat any did you?"

"Shut up." Gojyo snorted, a sure sign that he was giving up.

"Haha!" I rammed him with my shoulder, "Hakkai's smarter than you."

"Yeah? What the hell do _you_ know about it, tiny?" He shoved me back.

"I think Goku has a bit more insight than you give him credit for, Gojyo."

"Hey, you know what? I don't need this shit—if you punks're gonna' gang up on me, I can just go home. It's Saturday night, you know."

"Ah, yes. I'm sure the bar misses you."

"Don't be mad, Gojyo. We're havin' fun."

"Yeah, well it ain't supposed to be fun." He said way, way seriously, "The shit we do for Sanzo is always pretty tough, or dangerous, or there's some bizarre plot twist. So maybe you should just pay attention, 'cause I can't watch _everyone's _back."

Me and Hakkai were both quiet for a second. I stared at the kappa to see if he was kidding, but it didn't look like it. I looked at Hakkai. He looked at me.

We both burst out laughing at the same time.

Gojyo turned on us, "What? What the hell's so funny?"

I was laughing so hard I couldn't answer him; I grabbed Hakkai's sleeve for support.

Hakkai wiped tears from his face, laughing twice as hard as me, gasping, "Oh, dear!"

"What is wrong with you guys?"

"Oh, dear. I feel bad now." Hakkai said between breaths, "I apologize, Gojyo—apparently my demeanor is beginning to rub off on you far more than I even intended it to. Now that it's happened though, I feel somewhat horrified; listening to you attempt to be serious is so…"

"Weird!" I shouted, holding my side.

"Unnatural at the very least." Hakkai agreed.

Gojyo was scowling at us both. "Yeah, well somebody's gotta' focus on something other than fruit."

"Here." Hakkai dug a small, round gold object out of his pocket, handed it to Gojyo, "Since you're so intent on taking this mission seriously, why don't you make sure we're going the right direction?"

Gojyo took the doohickey slowly, turning it over in his hands a couple times and looking a little bewildered.

I stood next to him, leaning over to look at it too, "What issit?"

"I dunno'. One of those things you figure out directions with."

"It's a _compass_, you two." Hakkai said, going through the little backpack he'd brought. He got out a map. "Honestly."

Gojyo spun the compass around in his hands a couple times, tossing it up and the air and catching it. Once. Twice.

"Ah, please don't play with it, Gojyo—compasses are highly delicate—if you can't act respectfully and responsibly with the compass, I'll revoke the privilege."

Gojyo grumbled and held the compass flat in his hand again.

I leaned over Hakkai's pack, "Did'ja' bring any snacks?"

"Snacks? No. I'm afraid I didn't. There are the rationed supplies I packed, of course, but we're only allowed to eat those during sanctioned breaks."

"No snacks? But I'm hungry!"

"Didn't you eat before we left?"

"Yeah, but I'm hungry again!"

Hakkai gave me a long look.

Gojyo snorted, "Man, you really suck at this, monkey."

"Shut up, jerk!"

Hakkai turned to him, "Did _you_ eat before we left?"

"What…difference does that make?"

"I thought not. Well, you'll all be thankful to know that _I_ ate before coming all the way out here. I can be rather testy when my blood sugar is low." He unfolded the map, "Now then…"

"Hey, Hakkai." I tugged at his sleeve, "When's the sanctified break gonna' be?"

"That's _sanctioned_, Goku." He said patiently, "And not for several more hours, judging by the position of the sun. Gojyo, which way are we going now?"

"Er…north. No. North east. I think."

"May I see that, please?"

"What? I can do it."

"I never said you couldn't. Please, may I just see it?"

"Nuh-unh, I…"

I looked around the woods as they argued, It was really pretty out here. All the trees were green and the air smelled super fresh, and the forest was dark, with just a little sunlight pouring through here and there. Still, it was really quiet and pretty lonely. I was glad the guys were with me. I'd been wanting to go with them to do something for Sanzo for a long time, but I never asked. I don't know why. I guess I always thought they would tell me I couldn't go, 'cause they thought I was a kid, or 'cause it was something they only did together. I was really happy they said I could come.

I turned to watch them again. Gojyo had the compass high over his head, and he was grinning, holding it just out of Hakkai's reach. Hakkai was glaring at him, voice turning a little annoyed. "Gojyo, give me the compass. Immediately."

"No way, sensei, you said I could use it."

"Yes, but I…"

I stared back down the road a while, waiting for them to stop goofing around. We came a long ways already, but it was still pretty early in the day. I wasn't used to getting up all early and stuff, so it was kinda' hard. They came to the temple at six or something nuts, and I wasn't even up yet. Then the jerks stood outside my window and yelled at me until I finally got out of bed. I got to eat some breakfast, not as much as I wanted though, and then I said goodbye to Sanzo.

Gojyo shoved Hakkai away suddenly and took off running down the road, kicking up a cloud of dust as he slid to a stop, legs spread, body hunched like he was ready to spring away again, grinning. He looked like a dog that wanted to play. A shaggy, red dog with a cigarette.

I laughed.

"Come get it, 'Kai."

"No. Absolutely not. I'm not-"

"Then I'm gonna' hang onto it."

"Gojyo. I'm _not_ chasing you down the road like an adolescent school boy. I'm twenty-two years old, and I will not participate in such childish antics."

"Cool. I got me a new compass."

"You don't even know how to use it." Hakkai was walking toward him now. He sounded pretty serious. Serious enough to make me a little nervous, but Gojyo didn't seem worried, and I guess he knew by now how far he could push Hakkai before getting his ass kicked.

"Sure I do. It's not that hard."

"Just give it to me."

Gojyo waited until Hakkai was just within an arm's reach, and then he sprinted away again, laughing hysterically.

"Gojyo!" Hakkai yelled after him.

I laughed a little too.

Gojyo was already on top of the hill in the distance, holding the compass up and taunting Hakkai. "What're you scared? Don't chicken out on me now, pal!"

Hakkai stood perfectly still for a second. I didn't know what he would do. I didn't even know what I thought he would do. I guess I thought he'd just calmly put the map away and keep walking until Gojyo got bored and brought the compass back.

"Um, Hakkai?"

"Excuse me a moment, won't you, Goku?"

"Wh-"

Before I could finish, he was running off too, faster than Gojyo had, just a blur of green and blue and black as he ran up the hill.

Gojyo screamed when he saw him coming, spun around disappeared over the hill.

"Hey, guys wait!"

I grabbed the pack Hakkai had left behind and ran after them.

Hakkai went over the hill too.

I was pretty fast though—I kicked it into my top speed, and then I was right behind them.

I stumbled to a stop halfway down the hill.

They were at the bottom. Hakkai had Gojyo in a headlock, and they were scuffling around, fighting over the compass. Gojyo tripped Hakkai suddenly, throwing him over his leg, and Hakkai fell down, dragging Gojyo with him, then I watched them wrestle around in the road a while, but it wasn't long before Hakkai had Gojyo face down in the dirt, his right arm twisted behind his back, pushing it up slowly.

"Tap out. Tap out!" Gojyo slapped the ground with his free hand about five times before Hakkai ripped the compass out of his grip and stood up, smiling.

"Sometimes, I really enjoy the fact that you always seem to want to do things the hard way, Gojyo."

Gojyo sat up with a snort, hair all messed up, clothes covered in dust. "Shit, I think you dislocated my shoulder."

"That would be no more than you deserve." Hakkai laughed and pulled him up.

Gojyo brushed himself off, and Hakkai turned to me with a polite smile, "I'm sorry you had to see that, Goku, but there are times when excessive force is necessary."

It was sorta' weird to watch. Hakkai and Gojyo were usually pretty fun, but they always had this normal way to act. Hakkai smiled a lot and made jokes about everybody—sometimes I didn't even get the jokes for a long time—and Gojyo was always teasing me, or Hakkai, and sometimes Sanzo, and acting like a dork, but they were always pretty calm and acted like grown ups. Hakkai did, anyway. It was weird to watch him chase Gojyo and wrestle with him like he was a kid.

_Twenty-two ain't so old._ That was what I told Sanzo when he turned twenty-two almost a year ago. He always acted so stiff though. I only knew part of the reason he was like that. Gojyo told me Sanzo acted like he was sixty, and Sanzo said Gojyo acted like he was nine. I guess I always thought Hakkai acted the most like his age. He was just super mature. It was weird to see him cutting loose like that.

Again, I looked back down the road. I felt really far from home. Not that it was a bad thing, really, I just wasn't used to going so far from the temple. When the three of us went down to save Hakkai from the bounty hunters, that had been the furthest I'd been from home in a couple years; I'd had so much fun that day, I think that's what made me finally decide to ask if I could come with the guys. I was glad I did it, but I was kinda' missing Sanzo now, and I wondered what he was doing without me. Probably the same stuff he did every day, but still… I wondered if he missed me at all.

_Prolly not. I ain't been gone very long._

Come to think of it, it was strange not being with Sanzo. I hadn't gone a whole day not seeing Sanzo since Hakkai and Gojyo started doing all the Three Aspect's work for him.

Adjusting the pack on my shoulders, I started following them. They were still laughing a little and shoving each other every now and then. Out here on the road, with no one else to say anything about it, they acted kinda' the way I thought brothers would act.

"How come Sanzo never comes with you guys ta' do this stuff?" I asked, catching up to them.

"Good question." Gojyo scoffed. "Why _doesn't_ Sanzo ever come with us?"

"I suspect he's tremendously busy, just like he says."

Hakkai didn't sound totally serious. Gojyo laughed. "Right, _busy._ Lazy is more like it."

"Well, also, Goku, according to Sanzo, the two of us are far more suited to this sort of work than he is."

"Mm. Still, I think it'd be all fun for the four of us ta' do somethin' like this. A road trip or somethin'."

They looked at each other. Gojyo swore, "Shit. No thank-you. That would be the longest session of Sanzo busting my balls over everything, ever."

"Yes. I can practically hear the two of you bickering about it, even now."

"It's not my fault that guy's such a jerk. It's like no matter what I say to him, he's always on my case about something. I've just about had it with trying to be cool with that guy. He's so-"

Hakkai nudged him, gestured to me, and Gojyo trailed off, finishing with, "Mean." Even though I knew that wasn't what he was going to say.

I guess I was glad Hakkai wasn't letting him bust all over Sanzo in front of me. It made me wonder though if they always acted this way when Sanzo and me weren't around. Like maybe they cut loose when he wasn't there to say anything to them about it. Nah, I didn't think the guys cared enough about what Sanzo said to act different in front of him. Maybe they just…didn't think it was cool to wrestle around inside the temple.

"Sanzo can be fun sometimes." I said.

Neither of them answered me.

I think Gojyo started to open his mouth, but Hakkai cut him off, with a quick, "Don't."

"It'sa' different kinda' fun." I told them.

Hakkai smiled at me, "I'm sure it is, Goku. More importantly, your relationship to Sanzo is considerably different than either of ours."

"Yeah." Gojyo grumbled, "He doesn't hate your guts for nothing."

"Aw, c'mon, Sanzo doesn't _hate _ya'." I punched him in the side. "Right, Hakkai?"

"Erm… well…"

We both watched him.

"No…that is. I think hate is…a very strong word."

"He told me he was gonna' shoot me in the face while I slept, Hakkai." Gojyo whined.

"Yes, yes, I know. He was certainly in a bad mood that day, wasn't he?"

I laughed, "He said that to ya'? Jeez, what did'ja' do to 'im, Gojyo?"

"Not a damn thing! I was just jokin' with him—not even _that_. I told him the waitress was digging on him and that he must have looked especially cute that day."

"Where was I?"

Gojyo gave me a stupid look. "Right fuckin' next to me. I think your ears were as full of food as the rest of your face."

"Well, that wasn't necessarily the end of the story, now was it?" Hakkai laughed, nudging Gojyo with his elbow. "Perhaps if you'd stopped after a tasteful amount of time he wouldn't have become so impatient with you."

"Yeah, whatever. That guy's so high strung."

"At any rate, it's a good thing I was sitting between the two of you—I think Sanzo would have strangled you if he'd been within arm's reach."

"Whatever. I'm gonna' stop inviting him places with us." Gojyo kicked a rock further down the road and then again when he approached it a second time.

"No you won't."

"What? Why not?"

"Because. You won't. That's not what you're like."

"What do _you_ know about what I'm gonna' do, Hakkai?"

"I always know what you're going to do. I knew you were going to kick that rock."

"No you didn't."

"You always kick rocks. It's not good for your shoes, by the way."

"Like I give a shit about my damn shoes."

"A dandy like you? I can hardly believe it."

"You better believe it, Mr. Know-It-All."

I laughed, "You guys're funny."

Hakkai smiled at me, "We're always trying to improve each other through constructive criticism… How strange. I feel as if I've said that before."

"Maybe because you're a broken record." Gojyo joked. He put his arm around my neck suddenly, "Anyway, shrimpy, it's a good thing Master Sanzo stays home where it's safe. You gotta' be pretty tough to do what we do."

"Yeah right, Gojyo." I pushed his arm off, like Sanzo did sometimes.

Gojyo frowned and tossed his cigarette to the ground, half-smoked. "We'll see what you say after today."

"Hey, that reminds me, what're we supposed ta' do?"

"You don't even know _that_? Damn. I knew it was a bad idea bringing you, rugrat."

"You're gonna' be glad you brought me." I stuck my tongue out at him. "So there."

Hakkai answered me a little more seriously, "According to Sanzo, there's a large group of bandits camping out in these woods. He's requested that we get rid of them, by any means necessary."

"See?" Gojyo smirked at me, "It's a fight—you better be on your A-game."

I looked around at the woods again. They were pretty thick and dark, and it seemed like someone could hide pretty much anywhere. "How're we gonna' find 'em?"

"At the moment, our best plan is to go to the last point they were sighted at and scout around from there. In any case, I assume they might just approach us, seeing how travelers have been their main target thus far. Sanzo decided they need to be eliminated after they held up a small convoy of monks on their way to Keiun Temple."

"And we gotta' get back th' stuff they took?"

"I'm sure it's expected, yes. I assume they'll have quite a wide selection of spoils."

"Whoo, that's what I like to hear." Gojyo said suddenly, "Bring on the loot."

Hakkai gave him a scolding look, "May I just say ahead of time so that _some_ of us don't run off with whatever suits their fancy, that we'll naturally have to do our best to return said spoils to their rightful owners."

"Man, you're no fun."

"The due Sanzo awards us should be more than enough to make up for your boredom, I should think."

We walked a while longer down the road, and I kept my eyes and ears open for any sign of the bad guys, but the woods were still lonely, with nothing but bird calls and stuff. I was so wrapped up in paying attention to that, I didn't really hear what the guys were saying. After a second, Gojyo called me back to reality.

"You're really _that_ hungry?"

"Wha? Naw, I'm just payin' attention. Why? Ya' got somethin' I can eat?"

He checked his pockets, probably just to mess with me. "Nothin' but cigarettes and a coupla' condoms."

"What in the world did you bring _those_ for?" Hakkai demanded, turning to him with a frown.

"I always have cigarettes."

Hakkai rolled his eyes, something I didn't see much. "I don't think you're going to meet any women out here, and if you do, there won't be time for…that."

"I always have condoms too. You never know when somebody's gonna' fall for Gojyo."

"Blech. You're so gross." I told him, then went back to scanning the forest. "Don't'cha' think we'd find 'em faster if we split up?"

I noticed that made them nervous. They both turned their heads all around, looking through the woods too, and then their gazes locked. Hakkai smiled a really small smile, and then he met my eyes, "Oh, we don't usually…do that."

"What's with that?"

"A time-tested method, that's all. Splitting up often results in…complications."

"Or lotsa' bitching." Gojyo mumbled, but I could tell from his voice that he didn't want to split up either.

"'Kay. I'm gonna' run ahead to that next ridge an' scout a little."

"Very well. Don't go too far though."

"No worries." I gave them a grin and a wave, and then darted away, pacing myself as I started to jog up the hill ahead of us. It was pretty steep, and the path was sandy, so my boots slipped a little on the ground, but it was nice. The breeze rustled through my hair, and the woods around me were deep and really pretty. Behind me, I could hear the guys, laughing and joking even more than before. Somehow, it seemed like they were in their own, little world. It sorta' made me with I could be with Sanzo right now.

Oh well. I'd be back to the temple soon. In the meantime, it was good to get out. Sometimes, living in the temple could get really stuffy. The monks still didn't like me, even when I'd been living there for two and half years, and they said nasty stuff about me behind my back. I didn't have a lotta' friends. It was more like, some of the monks put up with me, and were nicer to me than others. Sanzo, Hakkai and Gojyo were my only real friends, and that was okay, I think. It was good enough for me.

There were lotsa' rules in the temple too, and sometimes I didn't know what they were, and then Sanzo would yell at me for doin' something, or hit me with his paper fan. It was good to be in the wild for a day, doing whatever I felt like, being free. Freedom was a new thing for me—it was good to have it sometimes, just to remember that I wasn't locked up anymore, and I could go away, somewhere else, whenever I wanted. Not that I thought I ever would. Life in the temple, with Sanzo, was good.

The slope was evening out now, and I felt like I was more on level ground. I reached the top, not even outta' breath, and stopped to look around, thinking maybe I'd see a camp of bandits nearby, but the woods were totally quiet.

A ways ahead of me, there was a huge pool of water—the biggest pond I'd ever seen—about as blue as the sky, and as smooth as a mirror. The white, sandy path curved around it, disappearing into the trees on the other side. The sight got me excited right away, and I turned back to yell at the others, "Hey, guys! Lookit this!"

It took them a while to climb the hill and get to where I was, so I paced up and down the path, back and forth, looking at the water and grinning, wanting to just run down there and jump in with all my clothes still on. I tried not to get impatient, but I was really excited.

"C'mon, guys! Hurry!"

Gojyo shouted back, "We're comin', we're comin'! Keep your pants on!"

A few minutes later, they were both next to me.

"What's the big deal? What're you screaming for, monkey?"

Hakkai shielded his eyes and looked all around, "Did you see some sign of the bandits, perhaps?"

"Lookit the water, Hakkai!" I pointed, in case he missed it. I don't see how you could miss it, but neither of them had said anything about it, so maybe they just didn't notice it was there.

"Ah yes, of course. We'll have to go around this lake."

"Around?" Gojyo gawked at him, "It's huge, Hakkai—that'll take all day."

"Yes, but we can't exactly swim across it, and according to the map, there's no other way. We have no choice but to walk around."

"Dammit, didn't I tell you this one was gonna' suck?"

"You always think that about everything Sanzo sends us to do."

"Yeah, but this is serious! We're not gonna' get home for forever!"

"Now, now. With or without your complaints, we still have to get around the lake."

"It's so pretty!" I said, "Can I go swim in it?"

Hakkai smiled at me, "Well, I suppose, if we want to take a short break, that would be all right. Not too long, of course."

"Break's just gonna' make this all take longer." Gojyo snorted.

"We can do without that attitude, I think. After all, we should all try to enjoy the moment, don't you think?"

"Yeah! Let's have some fun!" I was already kicking my boots off, "Gojyo, c'mon!"

He looked like he wasn't sure, and then he threw his cigarette down and started to follow me.

Hakkai laughed, "Oh, he can't swim, Goku."

"What?" Gojyo glared at him. "Who the hell told you I can't swim? I can swim fine."

For a sec, Hakkai kept laughing.

I glanced between them, "For real? Ya' can't?"

"I _can_."

Hakkai's laughing stopped, and then he seemed surprised, "You can? I thought for sure you told me you can't."

"You've seen me swim a ton of times! Why the hell would you think I can't swim?"

"It seems I heard somewhere that you can't…"

"That's crazy. What kinda' _kappa _would I be if I couldn't swim?"

"Hm. You may be right. Well then…never mind. I'm not sure where I would have heard that."

"Yeah, maybe you should check your sources." Gojyo snorted.

We went down the hill and I ran up to the edge of the water, laughing and shouting, tore my shirt off and threw it to the side, along with my boots. "Last one in's a rotten egg!"

Gojyo pulled off his jacket and his shirt too, then took the time to put his hair up in that stupid, little ponytail he wears sometimes, got out a cigarette, took his boots off, and followed me into the water, "Huh. Guess Hakkai's the rotten egg."

"Oh, I'm not participating." Hakkai informed him with a smile.

"What? Why not? You said we should enjoy the moment."

"Yes, well, I'll be enjoying the moment from this spot right here." He sat down on the shore, got out the map, and started to go over it carefully.

"What a total square." Gojyo grumbled, wading out a little further.

With a laugh, I splashed the back of his head, "Hey, you-"

He turned to glare at me, "What the hell, monkey? Does this look like a kindergarten to you?"

"…No. Why?"

"Don't go splashin' me, okay? I'm not a half-wit toddler like you are."

"Then what's the point of comin' in the water, if you don't wanna' splash around and stuff?"

"Please. It's just nice, okay? You'll figure it out when you grow up." He puffed his cigarette and stood there, looking all sophisticated and grown up and cool.

I rolled my eyes and started swimming around. There was lotsa' fun stuff to do, even if he did wanna' be boring. I saw lots of weird fish and found things at the bottom of the lake—mostly hooks and wires—but there were some cool shells and cool rocks too. Whenever I found something I really liked, I'd stick it in my pocket. I dove and did summersaults, and practiced holding my breath. I tried a couple times to get Gojyo to do something fun with me, but he just wanted to hang out and smoke. He went out a little deeper with me, until Hakkai was pretty far behind us, but he still didn't act like he really wanted to swim or mess around at all, which I thought was weird.

I tried asking him about it, 'cause I thought maybe he was upset about something, but he kept saying that it was just 'cause he was an adult, and he didn't want to play 'stupid, kid games'.

"Now who's bein' lame." I muttered, decided to ignore him.

We were at the lake for a while—longer than I thought we would—and I sorta' lost track of time. It was a pretty warm day, and there wasn't much breeze, so the cold water felt good, and the sky above seemed like it went on forever. I floated on my back and looked up at it, watching the clouds drift by, sometimes going across the sun.

The sky though…it always made me feel kinda' lonely. When I was in the cage, I couldn't see nothing but the sky, and sometimes, it made me feel like I was all alone up there, again, not knowin' anything or anybody, not knowing if I'd ever get out. Not knowin' why I was even there or what kinda' stuff I did bad to be put there.

I shuddered, stood up again, suddenly, feeling the mud squish between my toes, water dripping off my hair and down my neck.

Normally, if I started feelin' that way, I went and found Sanzo, and it reminded me of the day he got me out and took me back to the temple. That always helped me not feel so lonely.

Right now, Sanzo was a long ways away…

Suddenly, I got scared. I couldn't help it; it just scared me that I wasn't with Sanzo, that I didn't know exactly where he was, I didn't know what he was doing…no, it wasn't even that. It was just that I couldn't see him if I suddenly wanted to. He was too far away. Maybe he wasn't even thinking about me—maybe he didn't care that I wasn't around, or maybe he didn't notice—he could be relieved that I was gone. Maybe he'd start sending me away more an' more often after this, and maybe some day…he wouldn't want to be around me at all. He was always complaining that I annoyed him, and normally I knew he didn't mean it, or I thought it didn't matter, so I just let it go, but right now…

It's just that I couldn't see him.

Above me, a gray, thick cloud floated over the sun, blocking it out, and I felt cold, deep inside.

Not knowing what else to do, I turned to Gojyo, 'cause he was hanging out right there, and even though he said he could swim, he wasn't. Maybe 'cause he was smoking.

He noticed me looking at him and gave me a weird look back, "What's up with you, chimpy?"

"Nothin'. Y'think Sanzo's okay?"

Gojyo shrugged, "Sure. Why wouldn't he be?"

"He's all by himself t'day, that's all."

"Somehow I doubt he cares about that."

He was probably right. I stared down at my feet, but they looked weird and pale, and kinda' small in the water.

Gojyo watched me a sec before he said, "It's not gonna' kill him to be away from you for a day or two."

"Or _two_?" I looked at him again.

"Yeah… I mean, we can't go home until we find these fuckers we're supposed to get rid of, and believe me, Hakkai's not gonna' let us call it quits. Not even if it takes all week. We could be out here for days."

_"Days!?"_

"Days, weeks, months. Who knows? Why did you think I got pissed off about going around the lake?"

That was probably why he didn't want to play around either, 'cause he knew it was a huge waste of time. Feeling stupid, I spun around suddenly and started tramping back through the water.

"Where're you going now?"

"We should go, right? We gotta' go look for those guys so we can go home."

"What's the rush?"

"I-I don't wanna' be out here for _days_… I don't wanna'…" I looked up at the sky again. Why wasn't that cloud going away? Where was the sun? "I just wanna' find those guys so I can go back…"

"If you didn't wanna' come, you shouldn't have volunteered."

"It's not that!" I couldn't help yelling at him. He was being such an asshole. He was being such a creep. "I just don't wanna' be gone very long! I don't wanna' miss dinner!"

"Goku." His voice was way serious again, like earlier, so I thought he was gonna' say something important.

"Yeah?" I started to turn back to him, "Wha-"

A huge splash of cold, fishy-tasting water hit me right in the face; I was so stunned, I couldn't do nothin' for a few seconds, and I stood there, staring at him.

Gojyo laughed at me, "Man, now we're gonna' hafta' smell wet monkey the whole rest of the day!"

I wiped at my eyes, "You butthead! What'dya' do that for, Gojyo?"

He laughed harder, falling back and holding his sides. "You didn't even see it coming!"

"Yeah, well let's see how _you_ like it, kappa-jerk!"

He stopped laughing suddenly and put his hands up, "Hey, wait a second, I don't want-"

I slapped the water, throwing as much as I could at him, and it washed over him, soaking his ponytail and putting his cigarette out, and then all the hair hung in his face heavily, and he glared at me, water running down his face and dripping off his nose and chin.

It was so funny, I burst out laughing again. "Haha! Serves ya' right, ya' soggy kappa!"

Gojyo scraped the hair out of his face and took the cigarette out of his mouth, but it fell apart between his fingers. I laughed even harder.

"You little bastard! That was a brand new cigarette!"

"You splashed me first!"

"Yeah, well I'm gonna' do something worse now."

"Oh, sure. What'dya' gonna' do?" I stuck my tongue out at him.

Gojyo glared at me a little bit, and then he suddenly sprang at me.

"Gah!"

He hit me hard, grabbing me by the shoulders and shoving me under the surface of the water.

I popped back up, gasping and choking, wiping sopping hair out of my eyes, "Jerk! That's not funny! You coulda' drowned me!"

"Please, you big baby. I only held you under for like two seconds."

I reached out and grabbed a handful of his hair, shoved his head under and let him flail around for a bout five seconds before I let him go. "How do you like it?"

"God _damn_." He coughed. "What the hell's wrong with you? I wasn't even ready for that!"

"Oh, like I was!"

He splashed me again.

I splashed back.

"Cut it out now!" I yelled. "We're even, we're even!"

"Even, like hell!" Gojyo grabbed me around the waist and threw me over his shoulder.

My scream was cut short when he heaved me forward, throwing me into the deeper, darker water. I hit the bottom, propelled myself back up, and when I broke through into the air again, he was gone.

"Gojyo?" I treaded where I was, turning around and around again, but I didn't see any sign of him. On the shore, Hakkai was still messing with the map, alone. Gojyo was totally gone. "Hey, Kappa? You drown or somethin'?"

Still nothin'. The water around me was totally still.

"Gojyo?"

Maybe he really did drown. Maybe he lied about being able to swim and went into deep water, and couldn't stay afloat—'cause the guy's got like no fat on him at all—and just drowned while I wasn't looking.

Above me, the sky seemed even darker now, and the sun still hadn't come back out. My heart started to drum away, quickly. "Gojyo? C'mon, Kappa, this ain't funny!"

He didn't show up.

My heart was in my throat. What if somethin' bad happened to him? What if…?

I was just about to yell for Hakkai—tell him I lost Gojyo—when something grabbed me from below, caught me by the ankle, and dragged me down.

I squawked and went under again, kicked out of surprise, and felt my foot clobber somethin'.

We both broke the surface at the same time, Gojyo holding his nose and cursing, "What the fuck, Goku?" Now he sounded pissed.

I saw blood oozing between his fingers, all thin and almost orange from the water. "What happened?"

"You kicked me in the fucking face, you dumb ass!"

"Yeah, well you grabbed me outta' nowhere! What'dya' think was gonna' happen?"

"I didn't think you were gonna' kick me in the nose!"

"Where'd you go anyway?" I splashed him again, not as much this time, just 'cause I was annoyed with him, and I was glad he was okay.

He broke into a grin, suddenly, "Aw, what, did I scare you?"

"No! I thought ya' were bein' stupid and drowned, that's all."

"Please, how the hell could I drown? I was only under water for like a minute."

"Yeah, but ya' can't swim."

"I can too! I'm swimming right now, you empty-headed punk!"

"You could still drown."

"So could you."

"Nah, I'm a good swimmer." I swam out a little further, just to prove my point."

Gojyo just snorted, "What'd you have to fuck up my cigarette for anyway? Now I have to go all the way back to the shore to get another one."

I surged forward to be beside him again, "Then how 'bout a race?"

"A race?"

"Yeah! First one back ta' Hakkai wins."

"…Why's it gotta' be _that_ way? Why isn't it just the first one back to the shore?"

"'Cause think about it! It'll be way more fun—we'll hafta' swim, an' then we'll hafta' get outta' the water an' run!"

"That's stupid."

"Don't think you can do it?"

"I just don't want you to push yourself, little guy."

"Alright then, let's go. First ta' touch Hakkai wins."

"Seriously? We have to _touch_ him now?"

"He's the finish line."

"That's stupid." He said again.

"Last one there has ta' give the other his snack during break!"

"What?!"

I plunged forward, diving under the murky water, and churning through it, arm over arm. We weren't that far out from the shore—I'm not good with distance, but it was pretty close—an' Hakkai wasn't too far from the edge. Gojyo was almost right next to me, but I wasn't worried. I wasn't even swimming as fast as I could, and now I'd already forgotten what had me so upset a few minutes ago. Whatever it was must not've been a big deal.

Up ahead, I saw the shore, hit the ground running, and broke through the waves, rushing up onto the ground, right toward Hakkai, who wasn't even looking at us.

Gojyo was right on my heels, "Dammit, dammit, dammit! What're you-"

"Haha! You suck, Gojyo!"

We raced up the beach, shoving at each other, trying to trip the other to get just a little bit of an advantage. I thought Gojyo would trip up at the last second, but he was stubborn, and that surprised me.

When we were just a few feet from him, Hakkai looked up at us, eyes getting wide. "You-"

We hit him almost at the same time. I wasn't meaning to run into him, I _was_ gonna' run past him and touch his shoulder or somethin', but Gojyo pushed me, and I sorta' lost control at the end, and I was runnin' so fast, I couldn't stop. I plowed right into him, and Gojyo was right behind me.

The three of us fell down on the rocky sand, all on top of each other, and rolled around and tried to get up, shoving each other off for a couple moments. "D-dammit, monkey." Gojyo sputtered, panting like he was totally out of breath, "What are you _made_ of?"

I laughed, "I won!"

"Like hell you did! It was obviously a tie!"

"Excuse me, you two." Hakkai groaned, struggling to crawl out from under us. "Would you mind?"

Gojyo rolled away from him and climbed to his feet, scraping more hair out of his face and shivering before giving Hakkai his hand and helping him up.

I jumped up too, "A tie? No way! Just admit it—you lost!"

"Bullll_shit_! We hit him at the exact same time!"

"Nuh-unh! Hakkai!" I grabbed his wrist, "Who touched ya' first? Me right?"

Hakkai looked kinda' dazed, rubbing his head and shaking his clothes off, "Um. Well…I-"

"It was _so_ at the same time, wasn't it, 'Kai? Wasn't it?"

"You two…" he sounded almost annoyed, and his normally smiling face wasn't too happy right then, "Why in the world do you insist on dragging me into your antics? I'm trying to determine where we should go next, and you-"

Suddenly, he broke off, whipped his head around to stare into the woods, over his shoulder.

Gojyo and I exchange looks. "What's up?" I whispered.

"You hear something, dude?"

"Sh." Hakkai hissed, put his finger to his lips like we were supposed to shut up.

We were all quiet, and I heard something too, as soon as Gojyo's loud, annoying voice wasn't in the way. It sounded like people talking, somewhere nearby. I heard them walking through the woods, stepping on sticks and logs and stuff.

I took a deep breath, and I could smell tobacco and alcohol, leather, maybe, some sugar, meat… "Who dya' think it is, guys?"

"Local kids comin' for a swim." Gojyo snorted.

"I highly doubt that." Hakkai whispered. "From the sound of things, they're all full-grown men."

"Yeah, well, so're we…Oh, except for Goku. He's a baby monkey."

"Shut up, jerk-face! I'm tryin' ta' listen."

He was quiet, and I focused hard. The people, whoever they were, were definitely comin' this way… I think they knew we were here. I heard one of them say 'sounds like over this way' and somethin' else about 'probably just some damn kids playin' in the lake.'

"They might still have somethin' worth taking." A deep voice decided. It was just on the other side of the trees.

Hakkai, Gojyo and me all looked at each other. "Bandits." Gojyo muttered. He popped his knuckles and shoved his hands in his pockets.

I watched the tree line carefully, and Hakkai folded the map up and put it to the side. "It's rather fortunate, I suppose. We didn't have to wander in the woods for days, searching for them."

_Days._

I remembered, suddenly, how I'd freaked out in the water, wondering about Sanzo…missing him. Worrying a little. Gojyo had totally distracted me.

I glanced at him, wondered if he did that on purpose… I didn't think he was that smart—it's not like I told him how scared and worried I was.

He was looking back at me.

When our eyes met, he sorta' grinned, in this weird way, and it made me think maybe I was wrong.

I smiled back, and then turned to watch, just as the bandits came through the trees.

There were a lot more of them than I thought. Like fifteen, or maybe just ten. I wasn't so good with counting. Anyway, there were way more of them than there were of us. The guy right out in front was a really big, meaty dude, with a gristly beard, beady eyes, and a nose that looked like it'd been busted a couple times. There was a gold loop on his lower lip.

Everyone around him was a little smaller than he was, and a little younger but they looked just as mean as the big guy, smiling like we were just prey.

"Well, well, well." The meaty guy up front said. I saw that he was carrying a long axe, but it wasn't like a battle axe. Just a normal axe, like the ones the monks at the temple used to cut firewood. "You were right. Just some dumb kids playing around by the lake. Punks, huh boys?"

While he was talking, I was counting. I messed the numbers up a couple times, but I could see that there were at least thirteen. That was a lot more than us. I was sorta' surprised Sanzo sent Hakkai and Gojyo to do this by themselves—I mean, they were both good fighters, I knew they were tough, but I wondered if they coulda' handled all these people by themselves.

"Good afternoon." Hakkai said cheerfully. "I wonder… You wouldn't happen to be the notorious 'Chang'an Gang', would you?"

The big dude laughed, "What'dya' know, boys? We're _notorious_ now! And we got ourselves a kid with some brains, from the sound of things. He might have somethin' worth taking, at least."

Hakkai's smile didn't clear away.

Gojyo looked like he was barely even paying attention.

They didn't seem nervous. Maybe they _could_ handle somethin' like this. I guess they'd been doing a lot of stuff for Sanzo for the last couple years, so maybe this wasn't even a big deal.

"Oh, I'm afraid we didn't bring many valuables with us." Hakkai answered, "Though, it hardly matters. You see, my friends and I were hoping to run into you."

"That so?" The boss guy's eyes got narrow. "And why's that?"

"Well, I take it you're Renshu Mon, the Chang'an Gang's leader."

The big guy rubbed his beard, thoughtfully. It looked like he had some food in it. Gross.

"So what if I am? Who the hell're you, and what are you looking for me for?"

For some reason, Hakkai thought that was pretty funny. He laughed and looked straight at Gojyo, who grinned, and then they both started laughing. I had no idea what was funny about it. I wasn't scared or nervous or nothin' either. I just had no idea what they were laughing for.

"We came to scare you straight." Gojyo announced.

Renshu Whatever snorted, "You three little tykes? You're none of ya' a day over twenty-five."

"Leme' guess. We're not big enough. Not old enough. Not strong enough. Not ugly enough. Not smart enough." Gojyo shrugged like it was totally tragic, "Told you it'd come around to that 'Kai—it always does."

"I suppose I owe you two-thousand yen. I thought Renshu-san would be a bit more creative."

I cocked my head at them, "You guys were makin' bets about this?"

"Life's a gamble, kiddo." Gojyo told me. "Gotta' make money off it somehow." Then he took a step forward, hands still in his pockets, "'Kay, so, _Renshu_, right? Here's the deal—somebody somewhere's got a nasty attitude, and he doesn't like what you're doing up here, so he sent us to shut you up and shut you down, so either you knock it off, go pick a different, quieter profession, like, ummm…"

"Book-keeping." Hakkai supplied. "Or perhaps, as a gardener."

"There you go—book-keeping, gardening, shoveling shit—whatever you want. Just knock this bandit shit off, or we're gonna' knock _you_ off."

Renshu looked like he couldn't believe how they were treating him.

Me, I wasn't shocked. I just was…kinda' startled, I guess. I'd never seen them in action before, I realized. Not really. We sparred sometimes, or they came back and told me about the stuff that happened to them on whatever errand they had to do, but I'd never seen them actually deal with somebody. Except for that Gan guy a couple weeks back… He'd had both of them kinda' freaked out. I was surprised to see them acting so cool. Guess they were confident about the whole thing. It was sorta' funny.

"What's he going to say next?" Hakkai asked Gojyo, quietly.

"Nn. Probably some bullshit about how bodacious we're being, and how we need to run back to our mommies, how we don't know what we're up against, and we're just gonna' get killed if we don't beat it soon. It's like ten to one odds."

Renshu was too far to hear them whispering to each other, but he growled, "Enough chatter! This is outrageous, three, little brats like you coming up into my turf and telling me to stop what I'm doing! Why don't you tykes run on home to your mothers, before you get seriously hurt?"

Gojyo laughed again.

"Remarkable." Hakkai mused.

"And now." Gojyo grinned over at me, took his hands out of his pockets and clenched his fists, "This's the part where the fight starts." With that, he launched himself at Renshu, going right for his face.

Renshu squawked and ducked back, so Gojyo barely missed knocking his block off, but Gojyo kept driving at him, taking swing after swing at his face and shoving him back.

After a few moments, Renshu got frustrated and screamed, "You stupid punk!" He hefted his axe and tried to cut Gojyo in half.

Goj stepped out of range, but it looked like he hesitated a little after that, suddenly going on defense. Renshu almost cut his head off, and Gojyo stumbled back into us, steadying himself against Hakkai's shoulder for a sec, and mumbled, almost too quiet for me to hear, "I don't like that thing."

For some reason, Hakkai didn't tease him and laugh at him like I thought he would. He answered gravely, "No. He'll be much easier to fight if I disarm him first, wouldn't you agree?"

Gojyo was still hesitating. He kept his eyes on the axe, but I didn't get why. Renshu wasn't attacking us either, and he looked pretty nervous, like maybe Gojyo's strength had him a little freaked out. He was a youkai, but he didn't seem too tough.

"I don't wanna' deal with it." Gojyo decided. "You handle him, I'll take out the other guys."

Hakkai smiled, "Very well, I think that-"

"Wassamatter?" I asked, "It's justa' axe." I watched Renshu again, but he still seemed totally normal—nothin' to be scared of. "Ya' chop firewood with it, right?"

Gojyo snapped at me, "I just don't wanna' deal with it, okay?"

"Yeah, but why? It's-"

"Goku." Hakkai sounded kinda' like he was scolding me, but I didn't know why. Somethin' musta' been happening that only the two of them got. It was weird…but it made me feel kinda' out of the loop. Like it was me and them, against these other guys.

Hakkai turned to Gojyo again, "I'll deal with it then, and we'll split up the rest, four a piece, how's that?"

"Whatever. As long as I don't have to mess with the wood-chopper, I'm good."

"As you wish."

After that, the fighting started again. Hakkai and Gojyo sprang forward, Hakkai going right for Renshu, and Gojyo cutting to the side and diving into the rest of the bandits.

"You kids are gonna' regret this!" Renshu shouted. He swung his axe, trying to cut Hakkai's legs off, but Hakkai just jumped over the swing like it was nothing, elbowed Renshu in the face.

For a couple minutes, I watched them, and after a few seconds, I did feel kinda' impressed. They had smooth techniques and powerful strikes—Hakkai fought in a traditional way, I guess, kinda' like the way the monks around the temple practiced, with good form and he was flexible, like water, almost, flowing through the fight, avoiding attacks and dodging the blade of the axe, then striking hard and fast. Gojyo was more of a punk, I thought. He just sorta' mauled whoever got near him, did a lot of tough kicking and rough right hooks, and he didn't dodge a lot. I watched him take a handful of hits in the face, but none of them fazed him.

They were good fighters, I decided. I saw them play off each others' moves a couple times, and I could see they were super used to fighting together like that, just from the way they stood back to back and hung together. Yeah. They could probably handle this by themselves. I didn't even think I really needed to get involved—I could probably go back down the beach and play in the water some more, and by the time I was bored, they'd be done.

When we first met, I'd skirmished with Hakkai, and I'd noticed then that he was pretty strong, but our fight hadn't gone on long enough for me to really understand how strong he was. Watching Sanzo and Gojyo wrestle around had been pretty funny. I got the feeling Gojyo was a little stronger than Sanzo, at the time, but not _that_ much stronger. Not enough that I thought I needed to help Sanzo anyway.

A couple weeks ago, when we dealt with that Gan, the bounty hunter guy, we'd all been fighting those soldiers together, but I was way too caught up in what was happening to notice how good Hakkai and Gojyo were doing.

This was the first time I was really seeing what they could do, and it wasn't bad. Better than I thought they could do at least.

I wondered how they got to be so tough. Did they take special classes when they were younger, or were they just naturally strong guys?

After watching for a while, I decided to get in there and fight, just for the fun of it. I _could_ go back into the water, and the two of them would clean this all up, no contest, but fighting would be a lot more interesting.

They'd only been fighting for like a minute, or something, so all the bandits were still conscious.

I dove in.

The first one didn't even see me coming; I kicked him in the back of the head and he collapsed. The guy next to him screamed and took a swipe at me, but I twisted around, let the punch fly by, and smashed his face with the heel of my foot. For a split second, I was touching the ground. A big, muscular guy came down on me, both arms raised, like he wanted to pick me up and squeeze until my head popped off. I leapt up, hovering a moment above his head, landed on toppa' him, heard his neck snap, sprang off and kneed the next guy in the teeth. Someone else grabbed my wrist. I twisted loose, caught him by the arm, swung him around, smashing him into two of his friends, and they all went falling all over the place, didn't get up again.

In the middle of the movement, strange faces blurring all around me, I caught a glimpse of Gojyo staring at me, eyes as big as plates, "What're you-"

I snap-kicked the guy Goj was fighting, right in the leg, and the guy collapsed, then I spun around, just in time to avoid getting snagged from behind, belted the next one in the guts with my elbow, so hard he coughed up a smudge of red, collapsed, heaving and gasping. I knocked him in the back of the neck, for good measure.

Now they were all comin' at me, from every side, screamin' an' cursin' an' trying to grab me by the arms and the hair and even the belt loops on my pants. I went through 'em like they were ghosts, letting their fingers slip by me. I knocked one out with a single blow to the side of his head. I uppercutted the next, and he flew up into the nearest tree, with a scared scream. Somebody grabbed me around the waist—I flipped him up over my shoulder and smashed him against the ground. The last two, I slammed together so hard, they both fell down, not even twitching.

All that was left was the guy Hakkai was fighting—Renshu—the guy with the axe. Hakkai and Gojyo and Renshu weren't even moving now, they were just staring at me like I got something on my face.

"Goku…" Hakkai stammered.

I attacked Renshu.

He screamed like a girl. "Get away from me, you little demon!" He lifted his axe. I could _almost_ see it being scary…if you weren't fast enough to dodge it. I felt the blade whistle past my face, caught the handle in my hand, twisted it out of his grip, easy as taking candy from a baby.

Renshu screamed again and shielded his face, falling to his butt and screaming more, "Don't kill me! Pleeease!"

I threw the axe to the side, gave him a kick in the nose that was almost a tap, and he fell over, out cold, like everybody else.

"There we go." I grinned, cracking my knuckles. "Mission accomplished." I turned back to my friends, hands on my hips, "Yeah Hakkai?"

They were standing shoulder to shoulder, staring at me without blinking, their eyes huge. I couldn't figure out what they were staring for. "Heh heh… it took a little longer than I thought it would." I swiped at my nose.

Gojyo didn't take his eyes off me, but he shouldered Hakkai, almost whispered, "Kid's stronger than _you_, 'Kai."

Confused, I blinked at them.

Hakkai frowned, slightly, and then nodded, "Yes, it would seem that's true. It would have taken us at least twenty minutes to…but…"

"He did it in like twenty _seconds_."

I looked around at the bandits, but none of them were moving, "That's really all of 'em?"

Hakkai came to life suddenly, smiling again, and then he got out a clean, white rag, which he handed to Gojyo, and the kappa took it slowly, like he had no idea what it was, still just staring at me.

"Well… Er. Yes. It appears to be… That is, you seem to have taken care of them all yourself. Gojyo, that's for your face."

Gojyo blinked, looked down at the rag, and then started to wipe the blood off his face.

Hakkai smiled at me, brightly, "Well done. A very good job."

It was almost the kinda' stuff he said to me when I got my homework done right, but there was somethin' different in his voice. Suddenly I wondered if they were scared of me.

All the monks at the temple were, sorta'. I didn't want the guys to be scared of me: it made me wish I hadn't taken all the bandits out so fast, but, it was just so _easy_…

"Um, sorry I didn't really let you guys do anything. I know this was _your_ job, so…"

There was another minute where the two of them were totally quiet, and then Gojyo hissed. "Pfffffffffffft. You _shitting_ me? Now we get to go _home_! And neither of us got trashed! Hell, you should come all the time!"

"He has a point, Goku… Normally it takes us a bit longer to… That is, it's not _difficult…._by that I mean, this would not have been hard for us…this was comparatively easy, considering things we've done in the past, but…there's certainly no need to be _sorry_ for this."

"Really?"

Hakkai nodded really quickly and kinda' insistently.

"When we're at home, Sanzo makes me hide how strong I am from th' others at the temple."

"Yes…I'm sure he has a good reason for that. Out here, there's no need to be ashamed, since, after all we—oh, Gojyo." Hakkai looked at him suddenly.

Gojyo turned to him, fast, eyes wider than ever, "Shit! You don't think…"

"Well, I don't know for sure, but…we really didn't do much work…"

"Don't tell him. Don't tell him, Hakkai—I didn't come all the way out here for nothing."

"Yes but…can we really take _any_ credit for what just transpired?"

"I don't care! He can't just…"

"Naturally, that's never been the agreement, am I right?"

"If he wants to send Goku to do all his dirty work from now on, that's one thing."

"I should think that today, our efforts ought to still be rewarded."

They were talkin' so fast, and they weren't really saying anything that made sense, but it still seemed like they both knew exactly what the other was thinking, so I wasn't following them at all now, and again, I felt like I wasn't really _with _them. "What's wrong guys?"

"Nothing at all." Hakkai smiled at me.

"'Nothing' my ass, Hakkai!" Gojyo scowled. "I did not come out here for free! I had to put up with that dick with the axe, and I had to walk all day with the monkey, so I _better _still get something!"

"Oh." I laughed, "Ya' think Sanzo's not gonna' pay you? Nah, it's okay. He still will."

"Yes, but Goku." Hakkai went on. "You did all the work."

"Yeah, but I don't need any money."

"Regardless, it's not exactly fair…"

Gojyo muttered, "Dammit. It's not. We gotta' give him part of it, don't we?"

"Most of it, I should think."

"_Most_ of it?"

"Half of it, at least."

"Half!? Then what? You and me split the other half?!"

"It's the only fair thing to do."

"No way! I lied earlier! He can't come with us every time—no way!"

I laughed again, "Naw, really, guys, 's'okay. I don't want any. We don't even hafta' tell Sanzo what happened—I'm just glad I got ta' come out here with you."

They looked at me a little more, and then Hakkai shrugged, "I suppose we can sort out all the details later. For now, it's best if we finish the job and go home."

Gojyo and me put our shirts and shoes back on, and he got a cigarette and kept muttering to himself about 'how fuckin' crazy that shit was' as we checked the bandits out, and Hakkai decided which ones were still alive and which weren't, and then we went through the loot they had on them, started carrying it back up the trail we'd come from.

"Uh." Gojyo shouldered up next to Hakkai, "Aren't we supposed to bring that Renshu guy with us?"

"I don't see any point in that now. A third of his men are dead, and considering what just happened, the man would have to be insane to stay in this area. He's bound to move on and never return—which is exactly what Sanzo wanted—after all…all things considered, wouldn't _you_?"

They both glanced over their shoulders at me, quickly, then faced forward again, and kept walking.

I felt sorta' worried all over again. Were they scared? I didn't want my friends to be scared of me…

"Yeah, man." Gojyo said quietly, like he didn't want me to hear. "I might just get the hell out of town myself after what I just saw."

Hakkai laughed, so I guess it was a joke, but it bothered me. I figured, if Gojyo left town, Hakkai'd probably go with him. That thought never crossed my mind before, but today, I'd seen for the first time how close they really were. They didn't play it up or talk about it much, but today, after watching them fight side by side, and listening to them complete each other's sentences, and laugh together in the face of danger, like danger itself was just a big inside joke to them, I could see it easy. They were really, really close.

I didn't want either of them to go.

The sun seemed dark again, and I realized the clouds still hadn't gone away, and I missed Sanzo even more, as we walked, 'cause _he_ wasn't scared of me. _He_ wouldn't leave just 'cause he knew how strong I was.

Maybe, if I just made sure they both got their money, and then I never went on another trip with them again, they wouldn't be scared, and they wouldn't leave.

It took longer to walk with all the goods we had to carry, 'cause the bags were heavy, and I was lost in thought for most of the hike. Before I knew it, Hakkai was saying, "I think we may as well take a break here."

We'd come to a small clearing. It wasn't too big, just the size of the courtyard at the temple, I thought, but the grass was really tall and super, super green, blowing gently in the grass, and above me, the sky was bluer than ever, even with the sun missing. The air smelled sweet. Around us were all the walls of the forest, peaceful and easy, with bird calls drifting through the air, and the distant sound of running water.

The three of us sat down in the grass, and Hakkai took off his backpack, got out some food, unwrapped it, and handed each of us our sanctified snack.

Gojyo nudged me, offering me his, "I owe you this, right?"

Blankly, I stared at him. I wondered if I was making a sad face, 'cause it wasn't like him to give me his food.

"'Cause I lost the race." He reminded me.

I must look pretty down if he was admitting he lost the race.

"Naw, 's'okay. It was probably a tie, like ya' said."

"I doubt it." He snorted, and he gave me a long, long look I couldn't read. I wondered what he thought of me now. I wondered if it made him nervous to know I was so strong and so fast.

"Forget about it." I told him, trying to smile, but he just set the food down next to me anyway, flopped back in the grass, and laid still. After a couple minutes, his cigarette stopped smoking, and he never lit another one. I looked at him and saw that he had his eyes closed, his chest falling rhythmically, so I figured he was asleep. He looked pretty peaceful and at ease, so maybe he _wasn't _nervous or worried.

"Don't mind him." Hakkai said pleasantly, still eating, "He has a hangover, that's all."

I touched a loose strand of Gojyo's hair that was lying close to my hand. It was dry again, but like always, it wasn't as hot as I imagined. "He's doin' all this with a hangover?"

"He often does."

"Why? What's the deal with that?" I didn't know much about hangovers, but I knew that meant 'really bad headache' and 'somethin's up with my stomach', and I thought it would kinda' suck to hike around and fight bad guys when you had that goin' on.

Hakkai shook his head and chuckled, "He's just that way."

"Mm." I sat quietly a little longer, but I couldn't really focus on eating. I looked up at Hakkai again, "Can I ask ya' somethin'?"

"Of course, Goku." He turned and looked me in the eyes, and I felt like I had his total attention.

He didn't look scared or nervous or worried neither.

"What I did…d'ya' think it's scary?"

"You mean today, when you were fighting the bandits? No. I don't find it particularly frightening."

Was he lying about it so I wouldn't feel bad?

"Sanzo says I'm not suppose ta' do that at the temple…he says it'd freak some people out."

"He's right, of course. Some people would be quite unnerved by a simple display of your power. However, I am not one of those people, and I'm not bothered by it in the least." He smiled again. It _seemed_ like a real smile.

"What about Gojyo?"

"Ah, no. I don't think he was expecting it any more than I was, but he's somewhat difficult to alarm as well."

"Really? So you guys ain't…scared of me?"

Sometimes I wondered if I got put in my cage just 'cause people were scared of me, a long, long time ago.

Hakkai set his hand on my shoulder, "No, of course not."

"So's it gonna' be okay if I come with you again?"

"I can't imagine why it wouldn't be."

"I don't wanna' take your money, or nothin', but it's fun…bein' with you guys. I like bein' with Sanzo, but it's cool to see you guys do this stuff too."

He nodded and took a bite of his sandwich, not answering.

"You guys get along real good, huh? Sanzo never thought you would, 'cause, he says Goj's an idiot, and you're way smart."

Hakkai laughed, "Sanzo said that, did he? Hm. It's a fascinating perception of things, I suppose, to assume two people won't get along over something like that. Still, I can't say that he's necessarily wrong. Normally, I might be quite frustrated. At any rate, it's rather pleasant to have a third person around to balance out our usual interaction, so I shouldn't think it would be entirely disagreeable for you to accompany us whenever you so choose."

"Then you guys're gonna' keep doing this? You ain't gonna' leave…or somethin'?"

"Not any time soon." His voice was gentle, and he was looking at me again, "Goku, please don't concern yourself with any of this. Your strength is quite dazzing—in the past, I've had my moments to sense it, but I never realized just how deep it ran—I always assumed you were stronger than I am, but I didn't know by how much, exactly, and now I have a good understanding of it, however, it's nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you're always careful with it."

"I try ta' be…"

"That's good. And you should keep in mind that, although some people may very well be alarmed by what you're able to do, there will always be people nearby to accept you as you are, without fear or jealousy. So you needn't be concerned, am I right? After all, we're your friends, which means we care for you and trust you. For example, Gojyo may _be_ frustrating, just as Sanzo has suggested to you, and I may _be_ 'bossy' and partially militant—there's no denying that those are aspects of our personalities—yet we _do_ get along quite well, because we accept each other, and we've gotten past the point of trying to change one another. Living side by side, we've learned that we each have our own strengths to share with one another, as much as we have weaknesses that make us need the other. Your own attributes have strengths and weaknesses among them, just as ours do, but because you're among friends, there's no need to worry that we may find you frightening and leave you. If I can accept Gojyo's intolerable qualities, I can see no reason why I shouldn't be able to accept the things about you that are indefinable and spectacular. Do you understand?"

Honestly, I really only understood half the words he said, and the rest were all just fancy and meaningless to me, but I liked the sound of his voice, the way he seemed so calm and at peace with what he was telling me, and I liked the idea of accepting somebody's good parts with their bad parts. I liked the way he talked about Gojyo, like he was always gonna' accept him, even if he was an idiot, and I liked to think he could feel that way about me too: it made me feel like I could be in the loop after all, like it wasn't me and them, but us, all together, so my face broke into a grin, and I nodded, "Yeah."

"I'm glad. I'm afraid I began to ramble there, for a moment. Please forgive me—I was musing on several different sides of the conversation."

For a sec, I leaned against his shoulder, "Thanks, Hakkai."

"Not at all." He said warmly, "I'm always happy to help you understand, if you need me to."  
>"Heh. You're a good teacher."<p>

He was quiet a long time after that, and then, he suddenly said, "Well, if you're finished eating, I suggest we rouse him and be on our way. It's still a few hours until the sun sets, but I'd like to get home soon."

"'Kay."

Hakkai leaned over Gojyo to murmur in his ear, and I thought he was going to say something nice to him, like just a calm 'wake up', but instead he hissed, "Gojyo, wake up. There's a woman here to see you—she's pregnant, and she insists you're the only man she's ever slept with. Her father's come as well, and I think he's brought a shot gun."

Immediately, Gojyo sat up with a yelp, "Aah! What the fuck?! I can't even-"

Hakkai laughed at him.

I rolled on the ground, laughing so hard I could barely breathe.

Gojyo looked around, like he was taking a sec to figure out where he was, and then he growled at Hakkai, "You sneaky, smart-ass, _un-cute_, little bastard! I should clock you!"

"Ahm excuse me. I've long suspected that might be one of your unspoken fears—I just had to test the theory. Anyway." He got up, putting his back pack on again, "Shall we go?"

I jumped to my feet and jogged forward a little, "Yeah! I wanna' get back and have some dinner!"

Gojyo grumbled, lit a cigarette, and stood up too, "What? You just ate-I even gave you my share—what the hell's wrong with you and your metabolism?"

"That's just how Goku is, you see." Hakkai told him with another laugh. "I should hope he'll always be that way."

Grinning and laughing, I ran between the two of them, and above me the sun was starting to come out again.


	25. Chapter 25

"You can't do it." I said.

"Yes I _can_." He repeated, for what must have been the dozenth time, and there was the vaguest touch of frustration in his voice now.

"I highly doubt that, Gojyo. I've only lived with you for a few months, but from what I've seen, that is more than likely the last possible thing you're capable of doing."

I looked over at him. It was a sweltering, hot, summer day, and even though it was only midmorning, the heat was already brutal and unbearable. He was lying, perfectly still on the couch, wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts, and smoking relentlessly. Up until now, during the mild days of spring, we'd kept the windows open at all hours, unless the weather turned rainy or cold, but now, in this dry, hot season, opening the windows during the day would only make the house stuffier, and we didn't have air conditioning. Needless to say, the air was choked with cigarette smoke, and I could barely take it anymore.

"Yeah, well, you're wrong. I smoke 'cause I wanna'—I can knock it off any time I feel like it." Even as he spoke, he was grinding out one cigarette butt into the already over-full ashtray, and lighting another.

I waved my fan steadily in front of my face, and although I was wearing lighter, looser clothing than usual, I'd still had the sense of decency to get dressed. "The typical excuse of the typical smoker." I chided. "I'd be shocked, as I said, to see you go even one full day without a cigarette."

"Well, I _can_."

"How do you know?"

"Because I _know_, Hakkai."

"Have you ever attempted to quit smoking?"

"Of course not. I like to smoke—why would I quit?"

"For a lot of reasons, I suppose."

"I like it."

"Very well then, have you ever attempted to go a full day without smoking?"

"Heh. Listen to you. What'dya' think I do when I can't _afford_ to buy cigarettes?"

"I think you use the money you'd normally spend buying smut or booze or food even."

The fact that he actually lifted his head a few inches to glare at me told me exactly how right I was, and so I smiled at him. After all, fifteen minutes ago, when I'd started this argument, I'd only been teasing him, but now I could sense he was beginning to get annoyed. "Anyway, it doesn't even matter." He decided suddenly. "Because I don't have any reason to do that, because I damn well like smoking."

"Plenty of people like smoking. Not everyone feels the need to go through multiple packs a day though, and I can't even guess how many cigarettes you have on a daily basis."

He breathed out a cloud of thin, white, "Who cares?"

"I do, for one. I can hardly breathe in here."

"So go outside."

"In this blazing weather? I'd rather not."

"Don't you have somewhere to be? Kids to teach, or some shit?"

"Not today."

"Well, it ain't my fault."

"It is, actually."

"It ain't my _problem_ then."

"How inconsiderate."

"I'm not gonna' stop smoking just for _you_, smart ass. You ain't _that_ special."

"Oh, I wouldn't ask you to do that. I don't even think you _could_. I don't think you could go a full day without smoking."

"For the last time. I _can_."

I studied him a moment, watching him take a long drag off a cigarette, then I said slyly, "I'll bet you that you can't."

"Are we really gonna' do this _all_ day, Hakkai?"

"No, honestly: I'll bet you…oh, I don't know, ten thousand yen, that you can't go a full day without smoking."

He froze, with his cigarette raised halfway to his mouth. "Ten thousand yen? You gotta' be kidding me."

"I am the epitome of 'dead serious' right now."

At last, he pulled himself up into a sitting position to give me his full attention, but his expression was skeptical.

I smiled.

"Right. Do you even _have_ ten thousand yen?"

"Well, of course I do. I'm always careful to save aside a bit of money from my paycheck—after all, we can't all live recklessly."

He seemed to consider that, but he must have believed me. "Okay, fine. It's a bet. Ten thousand yen says I _can_."

"Ah, now wait a moment. Do _you_ have ten thousand yen?"

"Pfft. Of _course._ At least, I will. Eventually."

"I don't find that exactly reassuring."

"It's only gonna' take one night of gambling to make ten thousand yen."

"I suppose that's true. Very well then: we have ourselves a bet." I laughed.

"Cool. Tomorrow, no cigarettes." He reclined again, one arm pillowing his head.

"Actually, you might as well get started today."

He looked up at me, a single eyebrow raised. "Today? Why? Today's almost over."

"Nonsense. It's only just eleven—we haven't even had lunch yet—and, if I may say so, you got up uncharacteristically early, so this is about the beginning of a normal day for you."

"I guess."

"That settles it then: finish that one, and then the day begins."

"'Kay." He sounded a bit more reluctant now. "So, how long?"

"An entire day."

"Right."

"That's twenty-four hours."  
>"I know."<p>

"That means, once that one is gone, you won't be able to have another until eleven tomorrow morning."

"I _know_."

"In that case, I'd say everything is in order. Good luck to you—I'm sure you'll need it."

Gojyo grinned at me, "We'll see. Tomorrow, this time, you'll have to fork over ten thousand yen, sunshine." Then he took a final drag on his cigarette, and dashed it out.

The day proceeded slowly from there, partly because it was so hot, and partly because there really was nothing to do. I'd already done everything there was to be done around the house, and it was much too hot to go outside to garden, or even to go for a walk. Soon after our bet was confirmed, I got up to make lunch, and I felt quite satisfied. After all, what had began as half-hearted teasing might very well be to my advantage. Who's to say Gojyo couldn't go the full twenty-four hours without smoking? Who's to say he wouldn't find that he liked not smoking and just stop all together? Not that his smoking _bothered _me, per say, but it would be much nicer, not always having to empty the ashtray, not having to put up with that smell—not just on his belongings but on everything in the house and on my things as well—not finding less than mysterious burns on anything flammable in sight. I'd find it quite convenient if he'd choose to stop smoking, and that was undeniable.

While I was making lunch, we went on talking, and he seemed reasonable enough, laughing and acting normal, saying normal, flippant things and joking around. An hour into the bet, I was feeling surprised that it was going so smoothly, and that put me in a pleasant mood.

A bit after twelve, I said, "Well, lunch is served, if you care to put some clothes on and join me."

He rolled off the couch and came into the kitchen, "Naw, fuck clothes. It's way too hot."

"Please." I gave him a reproachful look, "I understand we're in our own home, but is it too much to ask that you at least put some pants on if you're going to sit down and eat with me?"

Gojyo hesitated to stare back at me. "Serious? You act like I'm naked."

I gestured to his scanty apparel. "Well, you practically are."

"I don't see what difference it makes."

I shrugged, "It doesn't really, I suppose, it's just common courtesy, and I'd appreciate it if you-"

He exhaled sharply, cocking his mouth in a strangely exasperated frown I wasn't sure I'd encountered before. "Fine. Whatever." Without another word, he turned to march back down the hall to his room.

I watched him go, a bit surprised by the reaction. I hadn't thought the request was unreasonable, myself.

Gojyo was back a moment later, still shirtless, but now he was wearing a pair of faded, tattered jeans, and he still looked very slightly annoyed, so I didn't push the shirt, and I said, "Thank-you." As he was sitting down.

"Ah, whatever. You're such an old lady, Hakkai."

His tone was mild enough; I set a plate of food in front of him and smiled, "Arguably, an elderly woman would be happy to sit down to breakfast with a mostly naked young man, but never the less, I suppose I'm fortunate you're so compliant."

Gojyo snorted a quick laugh, which sounded almost nervous to me, then glanced around a moment, like something was suppose to happen, and then he sighed.

"Is something the matter?"

"Naw, everything's cool."  
>With a nod, I sat down, and we ate.<p>

Lunch was also normal enough, for the most part. We talked and teased and joked around, like usual, but gradually, Gojyo grew more and more quiet, and picked at his plate less and less frequently. Eventually, he was silent all together, so I ventured to say, "It's been a little over an hour. How do you feel?"

"Hn? Oh, I dunno'. Normal. Am I supposed to feel a certain way?"

"I'm afraid I don't know."

"So why'd you ask?" He snapped, features turning a bit dark, eyes glinting like molten fire.

I raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm just…making sure you're all right, I suppose."

He grinned, slowly, but the darkness didn't fully leave his eyes, "No worries. I'm cool."

"Glad to hear it." I noticed that, although his plate wasn't cleared yet, he hadn't touched his food in a good ten minutes, "You finished eating quicker than normal, anyway. I should think that's because you don't have anything to distract you." It had always sickened me, just slightly, to watch him smoke and eat at the same time. It seemed unsanitary.

Gojyo didn't answer. I saw that he was drumming his fingers on the table, impatiently almost.

At first, I thought nothing of it. Gojyo had a way of tapping and drumming and flicking his lighter over and over when he was thinking about something, so I didn't think it meant anything. However, as time proceeded, and I continued to eat, at a regular, human rate, the tapping continued, and then, before long, he was leaning back, precariously in his chair, tipping it back and forth over and over, and it seemed to me that he couldn't quite sit still. I watched him drum his fingers and scrape at his hair and swing his legs, like a child being forced to sit through church.

"You don't have to wait for me to finish eating." I told him, eventually, "You can go, if you want."

"I'm not waiting for you. I'm just chillin'."

That seemed to be the exact opposite of his behavior, but I accepted it without argument, because for all I knew, it was true.

We were silent a while. I glance over the newspaper that was still lying there from this morning, when I'd picked it up, "It appears they expect it to be warm like this all week."

"Huh."

"It says here that we're breaking some record."

"Hey, Hakkai." He rocked forward again, suddenly, the legs of the chair banging loudly on the floor, and he gave me an intense look, "You're really gonna' give me ten thousand yen, right?"

"I intend to, yes, provided you win the bet. I'm far more concerned about _you_ paying _me._"

"Right. _If_ you win."

"That goes without saying. I hope it's not going to be this way all summer—my poor garden certainly won't last very long in this extreme heat."

He didn't comment, and the silence that ensued was nearly uncomfortable, so I took my dishes to the sink as soon as I was done with my food.

"Are you finished eating?" I asked, beginning to wash.

The "Yeah." I received in response was a touch sulky.

"Then, would you mind bringing me your dishes, please?"

He didn't answer.

I looked back at him, saw that he was chewing his lip a little and tapping his foot, quickly, as if he were nervous.

"Gojyo? Your plate?"

"God, alright." He stood up and came over to me, practically shoved the plate and the glass into my hands, sneering, "Here, Mom."

"I'm sorry?"

"I said. _Hai. Okaasan._ Need anything else while I'm up?"

"It was a simple request, Gojyo, there's no need to get agitated over it. And last I was aware, I'm not your mother."

He rubbed his chin, strangely, with the back of his hand, "It's this fuckin' heat, man. It's driving me crazy."

"The heat? Really?" I gave him a dubious look.

"Yeah." Gojyo rubbed his eyebrow next. "Isn't it bothering you? I'm sweating like a whore on Saturday night."

"Well, of course, I'm hot too. Still, I doubt a prostitute would be as fussy as you're acting."

"I'm not fussy."

"You snapped at me just now."

"I did not."

"You even called me mom."

"I did not."

"Yes, you did."

"I called you okusan, 'cause you act like a wife."

"And now you're arguing with me about it."

"I'm not arguing with you, I'm just sayin'."

"Then why are you contradicting everything I say?"  
>He gritted his teeth, suddenly, glaring, "I'm <em>not<em>."

"All right, Gojyo. All right." I set the dishes into the sink and shook my head. "You don't have to get so belligerent. I asked you to bring me the dishes, it's not as if I left a lengthy list of chores for you."

"It's just so fucking hot." He complained, turning away to lean against the counter, drumming his fingers again.

I stared at him a moment. He was standing right in front of the sink, but I was tentative about asking him to move. Who knows what he'd call me over that? At last, I uttered, "Um."

"Um what?"

"Well, would you mind moving to the side, please? I'm…" I bit back the somewhat snotty 'I'm trying to accomplish something here' I'd meant to say and finished, as politely as I could, "…in need of the sink."

Gojyo muttered something, inaudibly almost.

"I beg your pardon?"

He stood up straight again, quickly, raked all the hair back from his face, and then, with a curt, "I gotta' take a fucking shower", practically stormed out of the kitchen.

For several moments, I stood still, admittedly bewildered, then, when I heard the water in the bathroom come on, I shook my head again and set to doing the dishes. "Highly irregular." With any luck, his behavior really was due to the discomfort of the heat, and I could only hope it had nothing to do with nicotine deprivation. After all, it had only been a little over an hour.

When Gojyo came back, hair pulled into a wet ponytail and slicked back from his face, still shirtless and dripping wet, I was sitting in the living room once more, struggling to keep cool with my fan, a book and a tall glass of ice water. I watched him enter the room, over the top of my book, trying to gage his mood, but his expression was blank.

I took the risk of teasing him, because I couldn't resist, "Are you going to tear my head off for reading now, or have you cooled off?"

Gojyo flopped down on the couch, legs hanging over the arm rest. "It's mondo fucking hot, dude."

"It's quite unpleasant, isn't it?"

"All week like this?"

"So the papers say."

"Dammit."

He seemed less agitated now, so perhaps it really was just the heat that had gotten to him.

"It's been nearly two hours now. I'm impressed, actually—I had thought you wouldn't make it past the first hour."

"You think I'm that much of a pussy?"

"Not at all. I understand that you're addicted to something."

"Doesn't mean I can't go without it."

"That's what we're going to find out, isn't it?"

"Still, an hour? Gime' a little more credit than _that_, Hakkai."

"Well, an hour is a long time, in its own way."

"It's not _that_ long."

"For something you usually don't go two minutes without? I should think an hour would seem very long to you right now."

He scowled, "I ain't so addicted I can't go an hour without a cigarette."

"Yes, I see that now. That's what I'm saying."

"God, you're such a snob about some shit."

I took my eyes off the page to glance at him. "Do you think so?"

"Fuck." He rubbed his face with both hands, "You drive me fucking crazy."

I laughed, though I wasn't completely certain about whether or not he meant that as a joke. "You do your part to irritate me as well, believe me."

He cocked his head to scowl at me, ferociously, it seemed, and again, his expression was rather dark, giving me the impression of a feral animal in the woods. "I don't _trick _you into giving up stuff you like to do."

"I didn't trick you."

"Like, I'd never trick you into giving up reading or gardening or anything like that."

"Those things aren't detrimental to my health, or to yours."

He sat up, "Well, what if I asked you to stop _nagging_ me for like an hour? Think you could handle _that_, Hakkai?"

I laughed again, but he didn't so much as smile, and then I realized he was being serious. As calmly, and as nicely, as I possibly could, I told him, "I'm not nagging you. I was just teasing you."

In spite of my placating tone, he growled, "Nag, nag, nag. That's all I ever hear out of you: put some pants on, bring me your dishes, pick up your shit, don't stay out so late. Now it's _quit smoking_."

"I didn't ask you to quit smoking. It's just one day. Would you please calm down? I'm not sure why you're so angry to begin with."

He flopped down again, fingers drumming on the floor, "I'm not pissed."

"Good. You have no reason to be." I returned to reading, because it seemed safer than talking to him, at the moment.

For nearly another two hours I read, and he laid there, so unbelievably still, I eventually assumed he'd fallen asleep, and I was glad for that. He was being outrageously confrontational today, and even though I didn't want to admit it, I knew it was because he hadn't been smoking for the last few hours. Incredible how quickly his mood had changed over it.

Just when I was thinking of going and sitting in my room, where it might be a bit cooler, where I wouldn't be able to disturb Gojyo, he sat up again, rubbing his eyes and the bridge of his nose and groaning, grumbling curses. I watched him stand up and begin to pace around the room, still mumbling, and even massaging the sides of his head, like he had a headache.

"Are you all right?"

He didn't say anything back to me, so I attempted to ignore him, but his pacing was distracting, and my eye was constantly drawn from the page to look up at him as he made his way around and around, between the living room and the kitchen. Finally, when I could take it no longer, I demanded, with thinning patience, "Are you all right or not?"

"Yeah."

"Do you have a headache?"

"Kinda'."

I considered him a while longer, as he went on pacing, like a caged animal, "Well, it's been about four hours, hasn't it? I've heard that withdrawal symptoms can come on that early, and in your case-"

"What's _my_ _case _have to do with it?" He snapped.

"You're a chain-smoker-"

"Brilliant deduction, professor. We better post a billboard."

"_Because of that_, your body is more than likely having a proverbial freak out over the lack of nicotine."

"Or it's just really damn hot today."

I couldn't quite suppress a sigh. "It is, but I don't think that's why you have a headache, nor do I believe it's why you've been so dissimilar with me these past few hours."

At last, he stopped pacing, stood there rubbing his forehead a while.

Somewhat pityingly, I observed him, then added, "You know, if you can't do this-"

Gojyo snarled, whipped around to glare at me. "I _can_. For the last fucking time, Hakkai. _I. Can."_

Utterly stunned, I stared back at him, mouth hanging open, and for the life of me, I couldn't decide what to say. Should I lose my temper and yell at him and tell him he was being a temperamental ass?

No. I recognized that it was my fault this was happening to begin with, so it would be for the best if I didn't get into a fight with him.

Very calmly, I closed my book and set it aside. I went over to him, keeping my voice even, "There's no need to snap, Gojyo."

"It's just so fucking hot." He whined.

"Yes, I know. Sit down, why don't you?"

"The couch is fucking hot."

"Sit on the floor then. It's probably quite cool, in comparison."

"What difference does it make where I sit? It's hot everywhere. I can't take it."

"Now, now. You'll feel better if you take a seat, I'm sure." Carefully, I grabbed his arm and pulled him back over to the couch, but I half-expected him to jump on me and beat me senseless over it.

Fortunately, he was still busy rubbing the bridge of his nose and whining about this and that.

Gojyo sank to the floor.

"I'm going to bring you some water, how's that? It's important to stay hydrated when the weather's this hot, and it may soothe your headache."

"'Kay." He muttered, hiding his face in his hands.

"All right then." I went to retrieve a glass of water and thought to grab some ibuprofen while I was at it, took it all back to him as graciously as could be. He took it with a mumbled 'thanks', popped the pills, and drained half the glass of water in one go, while I sat down on the couch, next to him.

For a while, I let him be, planning out what to say next and how it should be said, and then I began, just as warily and thoughtfully as I possibly could, "You're welcome to discontinue this, if you like. Clearly, it's causing you discomfort and pain, and I don't want that for you, so when I suggested that maybe you can't do this, what I should have said was 'if you don't want to do this'. If you're as uncomfortable and as unhappy as your behavior suggests, there's no reason to continue. That's all I was trying to tell you."

His voice was angry again, "You ain't gonna' convince me to give up _that_ easy, asshole."

Astonished, I stared at him.

He was resting one elbow on his knee, holding his face in his hand, not looking at me, but his tone said it all. "You think you can just get me to quit and win your damn ten thousand yen by giving me _that_ bullshit spiel? Guess again."

"It's not about the money, Gojyo, I-"

"Oh, right, you'd like me to believe that, wouldn't you? All your shit about just teasing me, and acting nice and whatever—you're loving this, aren't you?"

Stunned once again, I sat silently for a second or two. I had been intending to say 'I find your well-being quite a bit more important than ten thousand yen', but I was so aggravated by his response, I merely sniped back, "I'm just growing rather tired of your attitude, that's all. So either give this up, admit that you've been beaten, or at the very least, compose yourself."

"This was _your_ idea."

"But I'm not forcing you to continue."

"Yeah, I know—you _want _me to quit. There's ten thousand yen in it for you."

"That's not, however, where my chief interest lies."

"If you really didn't care about the money you'd tell me to forget the whole thing."

That was enough to push me beyond irritation, and I stood up, abruptly, "Well, that isn't what I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you to suck it up and stop taking your frustration out on me."

He had nothing more to say, and I went back to my chair, picked up my book, and kept reading.

_Of all the asinine ways to behave, even after I was being so nice to him._

Best not to concern myself with it: Gojyo was going to keep being stubborn, so I couldn't help him, and as long as he insisted on acting that way, I could see no reason why I should continue with being so understanding.

He went on sitting there, drinking the water I'd given him and rubbing his head, rattling off nervous energy until I started to feel nervous myself, at which point I took my book and my water and retired to my room. At this point, maybe it was best to keep my distance from him, and with any luck, he'd give up the bet and go back to smoking, or at least I'd be clear of his horrendous attitude.

While I was there, I got quite lost in my reading and lost track of the time, and at some point, I even dozed off, because the heat made me drowsy, even in my room where it was somewhat cooler than the rest of the house

When I woke up, it was almost five thirty, and the sun was blazing a deep, golden color, through my window, falling directly on my bed, so it was impossible to sleep comfortably for any longer. I thought I might as well go and start dinner. Gojyo was likely elsewhere by now, seeing how he generally left the house around five, and I was relieved to think I could spend the rest of my night in peace. At this point, even if he did win the bet, I wasn't going to see him until noon tomorrow, so it hardly mattered anymore.

But when I went into the kitchen, he was there, sitting in his usual chair, head cradled in his hands. There was a bottle of whiskey sitting there with him, accompanied by a glass of ice, and his ashtray, which was empty still. I had to admit, he looked quite miserable.

I sighed, "I take it you haven't had a cigarette since I left."

"Nah."

"Well, it's been over seven hours now. Do you feel all right?"

"I feel like shit."

"I see you've resorted to drinking. I don't know that that's necessarily going to help your headache."

"Don't care."

I went to stand over his shoulder, and now that I'd calmed down, I was feeling compassionate once more. "Do you want to eat something?"

"Not hungry. I feel sick."

"That's just a byproduct of your withdrawals, I'm sure."

No answer.

"I think you should eat something. Have you been drinking water?"

He shook his head, faintly.

This was much more severe than I had expected, that was for certain, and I hated to think what it would be like if he ever actually decided to quit.

"You should probably drink some water, Gojyo."

As an answer, he lifted a single hand to pour himself another round of whiskey.

"In any case, I'm going to make dinner now, though I haven't decided what yet. What do you suppose you can handle eating?"

"I dunno'."

"It is hot, so something chilled is probably best."

Instead of answering, he murmured, "Hey, Hakkai."

I was caught off-guard by the small, almost childish sound of his voice. "Yes, Gojyo?"

He hesitated, giving me the impression that he didn't know if he wanted to say what he'd been meaning to say.

"Yes, Gojyo." I prompted.

"I'm really hot and my throat hurts."

I tried not to sound to patronizing, but I suddenly, I did feel like I was talking to a nine-year-old. "You need to have some water."

"Yeah. Get me some, 'kay?"

"Only if you say please." I said, automatically. It's what I would have said to one of my students. As soon as the words were out, I regretted them, fully expected him to lash out irrationally, like he had been all morning.

Instead, he just said it, quietly, "Please?"

"Of course."

After all, I was the one who'd coerced him into doing this to himself. I had known all along he'd never turn down a bet—I'd taken advantage of him, in a way, so I was to blame for his state, and I felt a little sorry over it all.

I even went so far as to lay my hand on the back of his neck, momentarily, before going to the sink to fill a glass, and then I sat down next to him with it. "Your throat hurts?"

"Yeah." He coughed. "I feel like total shit. I think I've got a fever."

"I'm sure you don't."

"I think so."

"Gojyo, you're not sick. You're going through nicotine withdrawals."

"Would'ja' check?"

I blinked at him, disbelievingly. His moods and actions were erratic, and I could hardly believe how badly this was affecting him, especially when it hadn't even been an entire day yet. "Oh, very well." I agreed. I reached out and pressed my hand to his forehead, almost couldn't stop myself from rolling my eyes as I informed him, "You feel normal to me. Still, I'm beginning to see that someone who smokes as much as you do probably shouldn't quit cold turkey."

He mumbled some unintelligible thing.

"You know." I began tentatively. "If you're as miserable as you appear to be, there's no shame in backing out now. You've gone almost eight hours without a cigarette."

"Eight fucking, terrible, piece of shit, god-awful hours." He polished off the whiskey he had sitting there, chased it with some of the water. "Only sixteen more to go."

The very idea was exhausting to me. "It's senseless to be so stubborn, Gojyo."

He coughed again, "I ain't bein' stubborn. We had a bet—I'm just trying to win."

"Yes, I know. Do you want to eat something or not?"

"No." He leaned over and laid his forehead on my shoulder, heavily, and sat still that way for some time.

Nearly unconscious of the action, I raised my hand to rest it at the base of his skull, and sighed. I didn't dare comment on how needy he'd become out of nowhere, but from what little I knew about quitting smoking, I gathered it had something to do with the nicotine deprivation. I wondered if, since he was such an adamant smoker, his symptoms might be more severe and come on faster than an average smoker's.

When we'd been silent a while, I mused aloud, "You're right: a bet is a bet. Still, if I'd had a clearer idea of what this was going to be like, I don't think I would have started this particular wager.

"What'dya' mean?" He asked, coughing once more, only rougher this time, and into his fist.

"I suppose I didn't completely understand the way this would affect you."  
>"Yeah, thanks a lot. What did you <em>think<em> was gonna' happen?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest, but I must say, I didn't mean to hurt you. And of course, had I'd known, I wouldn't have said a word about it." I didn't want to mention his belligerence and outrageous mood swings, though if I'd known about them ahead of time, I certainly wouldn't have started this.

Normally if I said to something to Gojyo along the lines of 'I didn't mean to hurt you', he'd rebuff it and scoff at me and, ultimately, deny any sort of injury whatsoever; the fact that he stayed, leaning on my arm, wordlessly, was just another testament to how out of sorts he really was.

I tolerated his head on my shoulder a while longer before I convinced him that I had to stand up and make dinner, and then he went back to resting it on the table, drinking some whiskey every here and again, while I cooked us a meal.

"Dinner's ready." I announced. The sun was slowly creeping toward the west outside, with the sky turning just mildly red and orange.

Gojyo didn't so much as stir.

"Didn't you hear me, Gojyo? I said dinner's ready."

He still didn't move, but this time, I heard some sort of mumbled reply, so I set the plate down there with him.

"You might feel better if you eat." I coaxed.

This time I understood. "No. I'm not hungry."

"Nonsense. You haven't eaten anything since breakfast."

"I don't want it."

"Come now, you can't really be so miserable that you couldn't even bring yourself to eat a bit-"

With a sudden surge of violence, Gojyo jumped to his feet, threw his chair back, and slung the plate of food across the kitchen, where it struck against a counter and shattered, food and glass flying everywhere.

I was so shocked, I couldn't even react for the first few seconds, and by then, he was screaming, hair disheveled, eyes bright and furious. "I said I don't want it! I don't want it, so get it outta' my face, Hakkai!"

"H-have you lost your mind?" I stammered, "What would possess you to throw a perfectly good plate full of food like that?"

He went on shouting, and he looked a bit hysterical at that point, expression furious, standing in my personal space, with an accusing finger pointed at me, "I told you I didn't want it, I told you to leme' alone, but you just hafta' push and push, all the time, don't you? Who do you think you are?"

"I don't think not wanting it is a plausible reason to throw it across the kitchen!"

"Oh, yeah, you think you know what's best for everyone, don't you? You've always got these great ideas about how to handle shit!"

"Calm down." I ordered, as forcefully as I dared, "You've no excuse to be acting this way, do you hear me? It's been just under eight hours since you had a cigarette, and in my opinion, that's no good reason to behave so-"

"That's another thing! I've had it with you giving me this bullshit update about how long it's been! I don't care how long it's been, I just care how long it's _gotta'_ be, so knock it the fuck off!"

"You're right, I suppose. It doesn't matter how long it's been, you still have no right to be acting this way towards me."

"This is all your fault! You had to start bitching at me about how much I smoke, next thing I know, here I am, trying to go a whole day without a cigarette. A _whole day_! Do you know how much that sucks?"

"I'm beginning to see."

"No! No you don't see! You have no idea what this is like, so don't pretend to!"

"Yes, but I'm not forcing you to participate in this bet, don't you understand?"

"Fuck you!" He knocked his chair over with a violent clatter, "Yeah, right, so what? I just quit and give you ten thousand yen? That's a lot of money, Hakkai!"

"If you don't have it, you shouldn't have entered into the bet to begin with."

"I _have_ it all right! It's just a lot of money to be handing over to your greedy, asshole roommate over a stupid bet like this one!"

It was getting difficult to keep my composure, and I wasn't sure how long I could go on without losing my patience and screaming back at him. I could hardly believe this was the same Gojyo who'd been lying against my shoulder and asking me to check his temperature, not even one hour ago.

I spoke as calmly as I could, "Enough of this now. I won't tolerate you throwing a fit and breaking things, because, as I said before, if you can't do this, then you're more than welcome to-"

Without even a second's hesitation, Gojyo flipped the table over, breaking the whiskey bottle and glass he'd been drinking from, and then he kicked the nearest chair, sending it flying back against the wall, where it too broke. "For the last fucking time, I can do it! So quit sayin' that! And don't talk to me like I'm some damn kid! I'm an adult, just like you are!"

I suppose, I could have stood there and argued with him further. I could have brought up the fact that he was acting more like a child than an adult. I could have gone on telling him how inappropriate his behavior was. I could have urged him to give up the bet and forget it. When it came to that, I could have given up the bet myself, right then and there, said 'so smoke a cigarette', accepted that I had to give him ten thousand yen, and been done with it.

Instead, I turned away from him, without a word, went to where I'd left my shoes and the bag I sometimes took out with me, mostly when I was going to see Sanzo, put the shoes on and the bag over my shoulder, and then, even though I intended to go without saying anything to him, I hesitated at the door to give him a scathing look over my shoulder, "That had better all be cleaned up by the time I return, or nicotine withdrawals will be the very least of your concerns."

Gojyo made no reply, and he still didn't look himself to me, so distraught with rage and on the verge of attacking me.

I let myself out and slammed the door behind me.

Once I was outside, I became aware of how badly I was shaking from my own outrage and frustration.

Of all the unbelievable ways to act! I'd never seen such an outrageous mood swing out of anyone in my entire life, and I couldn't quite convince myself that what I'd witnessed back there was honestly Gojyo. Albeit, I hadn't known him very long, but I'd never seen him do anything so uncalled for and recklessly violent, and I never would have expected it out of him, cigarette or no cigarette.

A few times, as I was walking away, I glanced back at the house, watching it shrink into the distance, thinking I might see some sign of him—it might be nice if he came out after me to apologize—but there was nothing.

Just as well. I'd had quite enough of his behavior for one day, and if I stayed there any longer, I knew it would only escalate into a fight. I could be quite a patient man, but upon being confronted by that belligerence and aggression, I found myself feeling angry and all too ready to react, if need be, and that could lead us to an unfortunate confrontation.

Yes, it was best to go away for now. I'd been meaning to visit Sanzo and Goku for several days now, and even though it was late in the day, I still thought it was better to go up to Keiun than it was to stay home and watch Gojyo's emotional composure further corrode.

I rounded the bend, and then the house was out of sight, hidden behind a line of thick, leafy trees that were blowing slightly in the wind. Sighing, I shook my head, "Unbelievable."

It was still quite hot outside, even with the sun beginning to set and I hadn't gone very far before I felt sweat running down my face and my clothes sticking to my body, and it made me all the more loath to be out, particularly for such a long walk—it was an hour to Sanzo's and then another hour back—but I didn't know what else I should do, especially since it was in my best interest to get away from Gojyo for a while.

To keep my mind off the discomfort of the heat, I pondered the situation a little more thoroughly. Obviously, had I known he was going to go all to pieces over not being able to smoke a cigarette, I never would have coerced him into going a full day without them. Furthermore, if he knew it was going to affect his serenity so deeply, he never should have agreed, and I found it ridiculous, selfish and greedy of him to put us both in such an awkward, uncomfortable position over ten thousand yen. Honestly, what sort of person went to such extreme lengths to pocket a handful of petty cash? Now that I thought of it, it was rather appalling behavior. Would it really be so unbearably shameful to refuse the bet that he couldn't even say to me, 'no thank-you, Hakkai, I think it's in both our best interests to decline your wager because I become absolutely psychotic without my cigarettes'. Naturally, I knew, of course, that he'd never turn down a bet, no matter how unlikely it was for him to win, so I should have known that he wasn't above taking me up on a wager, even knowing that it could compromise his health, my patience, and the tranquility of our home, and I found that to be extremely immature.

Why did he have to smoke so excessively to begin with? I'd never had anything personal against smokers, though I'd certainly had my opinion of what kind of person one would have to be in order to purposely do something so detrimental to their body. It was careless, at best, positively reckless, and I thought it hinted at a lack of values, loss of self-respect, and an utter disregard for those around you. I was tired of constantly being lost in cloud of white smoke, and I was tired of having that smell permeating everything in sight. I was tired of cleaning out the ashtray, tired of picking up half-empty cans that had cigarette butts stuffed into them, tired of watching him inhale and exhale that disgusting, filthy, thin smoke. I had very seriously considered, on numerous occasions, taking him aside and suggesting that he cut back on how much he smoked, but I hadn't because it wasn't my business.

Perhaps, after this incident, it would be best for me to discuss it with him, later, when he'd calmed down. It was clear to me that, not only was he going to smoke himself into an early grave, he was hopeless, psychologically addicted to the nicotine as well, and perhaps, with a little intervention and some coaching, he could tone the habit down to a more healthy, more manageable level.

That, I thought, as the temple came into view, seemed as good an answer as any. After all, what if we got into a situation someday where he was unable to smoke? I was sure we'd both suffer over that.

I approached the temple gate feeling frustrated, and quite determined to talk sense into Gojyo as soon as I got home, but I still tried to smile at the monks who admitted me, and inquired after Sanzo, who, it turned out, was sitting in the courtyard, with Goku. The light was golden and warm then, the shadows long and blue, but the air was still hot, and the two of them were side by side, sitting on the ground, under a large fruit tree. Sanzo was fanning himself, and Goku was shoving fruit in his mouth, one after another; when they saw me coming, Goku sat up straight, waving his arm in a frenetic hello, but his mouth was too full to speak. Sanzo waited until I was a little closer before greeting me.

"Hn. We were just talking about you."

"Oh? Nothing too negative, I hope."

"We were saying it's been a while since you dropped by." He gave me a disinterested glance before turning away. "Goku's been bored without your homework, or whatever you call it."

"Yes, I see." I smiled down at Goku, who was struggling to finish his fruit so he could begin talking to me as well. I was glad to see that he was refraining from speaking with his mouth full, especially after I'd instructed him so many times not to do so. "Well, I brought a little with me today, though not as much as usual, since I didn't prepare to come here this evening. It's rather a spur of the moment sort of thing."

"You're here late too." Sanzo grumbled. "The sun's already going down."

"Yes, well…I left my house in something of a hurry."

"What was it, unexpected company?"

"No, nothing like that. I merely had to get out of the house for a while."

Something about the way I said it must have gotten his attention, and he lifted his head to cock an eyebrow at me, "What, is that dumb ass driving you crazy?"

I laughed, even though I didn't feel like it, "Today, actually, he is."

Goku swallowed the last of his fruit and wiped his lips on the back of his wrist, "Who? Gojyo?"

"Of course." Sanzo snorted, "He's the only dumb ass we know, other than you."

"Just makin' sure." He looked up at me, "So what'd he do?"

"Oh, it doesn't really matter."

"Hell. He doesn't have to _do_ anything to piss _me_ off." Sanzo grumbled. "That asshole's just obnoxious in every conceivable way."

Goku glanced between the two of us, gaze settling on me again, eventually, "So're ya' getting' sick of him, or somethin'?"

"I'm not sure that's it exactly. More that I'm a bit tired of some parts of him; for example, how irresponsible he is, and how inconsiderate he can be. Frankly, it gets tiresome having to remind him of the same things, over and over again, especially since he tends to be so ungrateful for the ways I go above and beyond expectations to look after him and keep a stable living environment. A little appreciation might clear the room, I suppose." As I was talking, I could hear my voice turning more and more dark, and before long, I perceived that I was even scowling a bit. "Honestly, I don't see how anyone can be so insensitive and disrespectful as to watch someone else go out of their way to do something specifically for them, and then do them the insult of physically _destroying_ that…"

I trailed away as I realized Sanzo and Goku were both staring at me, mouths threatening to fall open. Goku seemed to be on the verge of scrambling away, and even Sanzo appeared rather nervous. It occurred to me that they'd likely never seen me make that particular face before, so I laughed, even if it was somewhat forced.

"Ah, excuse me. I'm getting off on a bit of a tangent, I'm afraid."

"What the heck'd he do?" Goku murmured, still sounding unsure. "I'd never wanna' do anything ta' make you make _that_ face, Hakkai."

"Oh, well, thank-you, Goku. I appreciate that."

Sanzo lit a cigarette and scoffed, "I'm not surprised. You've got nothing in common with that idiot—I told you you'd be better off staying up here with us—you've been little more than a maid since you moved in there, and now he's getting under your skin. No surprise there."

"I suppose you could be right." I answered, but my voice was softer now. I'd never talked ill of Gojyo to them before, not behind his back this way, and I felt a bit guilty over it. For the most part, we settled our disputes amongst ourselves, and then, occasionally, after the emotions had died down, I might mention them to Sanzo and Goku in passing. I couldn't deny that they'd probably heard about most of the arguments we'd had in the last couple of months, purely out of the need to make conversation, or to update Sanzo on how it was going, living with Gojyo, but I'd never come to them in the heat of my anger and slandered my roommate out right.

Sanzo went on, calmly, "Nobody's making you stay there, you know. I told you the Three Aspects wanted me to keep an eye on you, but I'm pretty sure you're not out to kill anybody."

"'Cept for Gojyo." Goku interjected, sucking on another piece of fruit. "Did'ja' see his face? _Crap._"

"In any case, you could always come stay here—for a little while—or you could get your own place. Your injury is pretty much completely healed, isn't it?"

"Yes." I touched my stomach. "It rarely bothers me now."

"I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm just reminding you, nobody's forcing you to stay with that idiot: you have other options, you know."

"Oh. Oh, yes, I suppose I do." I adjusted my glasses and tried not to sigh too heavily.

Sanzo got up, "Personally, I would have been sick of him a long time ago."

I guess I'd thought of it before, that I could always just move somewhere else, though, not necessarily to get away from Gojyo. I rethought it now. It would be easy enough, I suspected, because I hadn't lived there very long, and I hadn't accumulated very many things yet. And it wasn't as if Gojyo was going to be hurt or to beg me to stay; he'd likely tell me we weren't dating and say I should do whatever I felt like doing. I'd known for a long time that I didn't _have_ to stay where I was. No one was making me, that went without saying, but I suppose I'd never considered it very seriously, up until now. Still, I couldn't say, even then, that I had good cause to go away.

I reconsidered the way he'd thrown the plate and knocked the table over, how he'd screamed at me and cursed and broken the chair, and I had to admit, it had been very distasteful, and although I'd never seen him act that way before, there was no guarantee that he wouldn't do it again, in the future. I hadn't known him very long, so maybe I didn't really know what he was like. Maybe what I'd seen of him thus far was only the surface of his personality. If, in the future, it turned out that he was more prone to recklessness, violence and rage than I'd initially anticipated, would I want to stay with him?

Obviously, I didn't expect my life to be in any sort of danger over it—I wasn't some sort of ill-treated woman, shacking up with an abusive boyfriend—but still… It was frustrating to have watched him act that way, and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

Finally, I said, "I'll think it over, Sanzo. Thank-you for the advice."

"It's not advice." He returned stoically. "Far be it from me to tell you how to live your life."

"I appreciate it just the same." I said with a smile.

For a few hours, I remained at the temple. I did a lesson with Goku in the garden, which he seemed to understand reasonably well, and then I assigned him a little homework, as was my custom. Sanzo sat nearby throughout the lesson, fanning himself and smoking, interjecting every here and again, but he seemed lazier and calmer than usual, as if, perhaps, the heat was affecting him.

When the lesson was over, I agreed to dine with them, because I hadn't gotten a chance to even taste the meal I'd made back at home, and I was quite hungry. Still, the entire time we ate, as much as I tried to laugh and joke with Goku, and as much pleasant conversation as I attempted to make with Sanzo, there was something nagging at the back of my mind, and I felt restless and a little unhappy. I tried to put it aside, knowing I could deal with it later, but it was always there.

When dinner was over, and the sun had set, it was a bit cooler outside, so we walked a while through the gardens and the courtyards, and that was nice enough. I was quite interested in hearing them talk about their daily lives, because I was fascinated with their way of life. I had often wondered if living in the temple might be anything like growing up in the Catholic orphanage; for Sanzo, I gathered that it was not the same at all, seeing how he was the head priest and everyone in sight was subject to his whims, but I thought it might be a little similar for Goku, living alongside men who followed a faith that he himself did not share, perhaps being forced to observe and respect it, even when he didn't necessarily believe it. It seemed that he too was a child, parentless, growing up in a religious institution, with no choice but to accept the charity being handed to him.

Bearing that thought in mind, I watched him a bit more closely, but he seemed cheerful enough, as usual, chasing fireflies around, running through the trees and occasionally leaping up into their branches. He was constantly full of laughter and glee, and he didn't seem to mind at all where he was, or how he'd come to get here. I wondered though, if that might have something to do with Sanzo. I'd seen right from the beginning that the two of them had some sort of tight bond between them; at first, I had thought of it as being something of a brotherly relationship, but after observing them for a while, had come to the conclusion that it was a bit closer to being a father-son relationship. At first glance, that was odd, because there was no more than four or five years between them, but then, considering how wise and mature Sanzo was, and how youthful and _im_mature Goku was, it seemed to make sense. In any case, it worked for them, whatever it was they had, and I sensed that there was a deep well of relief in each of them, in having that relationship, because, as best I could tell, neither of them quite fit in here at the temple, and having one another must have soothed that.

I was a bit jealous of it all, and watching them made me feel lonely.

After some time, Sanzo announced that he had a few things to attend to, and that, after that, he would be going to bed; he offered to let me stay the night, to which I politely declined.

"That's hardly necessary, though I do appreciate it, Sanzo. I don't think Gojyo and my disagreement was _that_ serious."

"Suit yourself." He snorted, then gave Goku a stern look, "Don't stay up too late, monkey."

"'Kay, I won't! Night!"

Sanzo mumbled something that didn't sound exactly like goodnight, and then walked away.

Goku locked his head behind his arms and watched him go, smiling broadly, for no apparent reason.

"Well." I began, adjusting my glasses and glancing around for my bag, which I couldn't quite recall the location of, at the moment, "I suppose, soon enough, I ought to be getting home."

Despite what I'd told Sanzo though, I did feel somewhat reluctant to go back home, even now. I didn't quite know what I was going to be returning to, and I still felt angry. I employed Goku to help me search the grounds for my bag, as a way of staying longer.

We walked around the grounds together, looking for it half-heartedly, and I got the feeling we were just enjoying one another's company, more than anything. I was amused to watch Goku play and tromp through the garden, picking up sticks and swinging them, stopping here and there to investigate a plant or an insect, although he'd likely seen the same things, in the same places, over and over, dozens of times. He was very different than I'd been at age fifteen.

In passing, I asked, "Do you enjoy living here, Goku?"

"Here? What'dya' mean?"

"At the temple, of course."

"Oh, yeah! Me an' Sanzo hang out every day! An' there's always somethin' goin' on I've never seen before, an' there's lotsa' places ta' walk, and it's always pretty, even when it's cold out. Plus, there's a ton of awesome food!"

I laughed, "Yes, I see. You make it sound quite nice."

"Sanzo said ya' could come stay here, right? Are you gonna'?"

"Oh, that? Well… I think that was more an obligatory suggestion than anything else."

His blank expression told me he had no idea what that meant.

"That is, I'm not sure this is a very good place for me to be, at this point in my life."

He looked away, more thoughtfully now, and nodded.

"It's nothing against either of you, or against this place, of course."

"It's just not what ya' need. I get it."

I must admit, I was startled to hear something that perceptive coming from Goku, and I stared at him a moment.

If he noticed, he didn't let on that he did. He was still swinging the stick he'd picked up, a bit like a sword. "That's probably good though. If ya' came up here…I don't think Gojyo'd wanna' come with ya, and then he'd be down there all alone."

I gave him another long, somewhat startled look, "Yes, that's true, I suppose."

"I don't think he'd like that."

Gojyo himself had told me he hated to be alone, and I could easily recall how sincerely he'd spoken the words, even if they shamed him. I'd kept them in mind since then, and that knowledge helped me to account for a lot of the things he did.

"No, you're right. He more than likely wouldn't."

"It's good this way, yeah?"

"It seems to be working out for the moment, in any case."

Goku nodded, then suddenly stopped to climb up on a large rock that was close at hand. He glanced at me, "Are ya' really sick of him?"

"Gojyo?"

Goku merely nodded again.

Sighing, I adjusted my glasses, "As I said, I'm just a bit annoyed with some aspects of him. I'm not tired of Gojyo as a whole, no, I wouldn't say that."

"He musta' really made ya' mad today."

"Well, perhaps. Though, you might be a bit surprised by just how frustrating Gojyo can be." I thought again about the always over-full ashtray, and the beer cans with butts in them, and the overall disarray of the house, and the plate he'd thrown and the bet we'd made, and some of my irritation came back.

"Maybe not." Goku was saying, and I was still getting used to hearing him talk this way, sounding so certain and so opinionated, "Sanzo always talks about how stupid an' annoyin' he is."

"I never said he was stupid." I defended, automatically, a bit insulted by the thought of anyone seeing him that way, even if it was Sanzo.

"Sanzo told me he can't believe ya' decided ta' live with him, and he can't believe you guys are still livin' together; he always talks like it's totally ridiculous, you guys bein' the way you are."

I stood within that thought for a while, turning it over in my mind.

"I don't get it." Goku said, a little more ardently, "I think Gojyo's really cool." He stopped, suddenly, and I thought I got a glimpse of his face, turning slightly red, "I mean…he'sa' idiot… But I don't think he's a bad guy."

"No." I smiled, contritely almost, and that blurry memory came back to me again, faded by pain and exhaustion, drowned with rain, of Gojyo standing over me in the night as I laid dying, and I knew there was no one around then to say 'I'll pay you to save this man's life' or to talk him into it. I knew there was nothing to gain from that action at all. He had to have known, even from the beginning, that picking me up out of the mud and blood I was lying, pooled in, would likely cause him nothing but trouble, and yet, he still had. "Very far from it."

Goku leapt down from his boulder and jostled up against me, and we continued to walk, shoulder to shoulder, talking a bit more, about this and that, but I'd all but forgotten my bag by that time.

Eventually, we sat down together, on the grass, and gazed up at the stars. The night was cool now, the air smelled sweet, and the stars were bright and twinkling, scattered over the black like grains of sugar. The summer sky seemed vast and close that night, as if I could reach up and take a handful of those stars in my palm.

Goku stared hard at my face, and I blinked back at him.

"Issit true your eye's fake?" He asked, unabashed, as usual.

"Mmhm, I'm afraid so."

"Can ya' see outta' it?"

"Not as well as I can with the other one."

He pondered that a bit, then turned to look at the sky again. When he spoke, I got the sense that he was reluctant, speaking very cautiously, "Ya' smell happier these days."

I shot him a questioning look, "Beg your pardon? I don't understand."

"Ya' used ta' smell…so…sad. I could tell how fake your smile was, an' ya' smelled angry too. Ya' seemed lost. I guess it wasn't that long ago, but…ya' smell happier now."

"Oh. Yes… I see. Well." It was an odd way to describe one's emotions, but I'd noticed before that Goku had quite a bit of animal instincts. I turned to the sky again as well, feeling suddenly small and insignificant. "I suppose it wasn't very long ago, was it?"

"But, you're a little happier now, right? How come?"

Again, I couldn't help smiling, and I folded my hands, lightly, in my lap, "I suppose I found purpose…quite unexpectedly."

Goku took that in, then flopped back on the ground with a sigh, long hair spreading around his shoulders as he reached up with a single hand, as if he meant to take hold of the moon. "I don't know everything…an' I know lotsa' people get stuff better than I do."

I watched him quietly, still caught off-guard by his tone and his intelligence. I'd never thought of Goku as being dumb or naïve, just simple and inexperienced, but even so, tonight, for the first time, he was showing me a thoughtful, perceptive side of him I hadn't known existed.

"I think Sanzo's wrong." He said, very assuredly.

"Is that so? About what?"

"I'm not sure he gets it, that's all. Maybe you an' Goj really do got nothin' in common, an' maybe, ta' lotsa' people, it doesn't make sense for ya' to be livin' together, or even for ya' to be friends. But I don't think it's crazy, like Sanzo says."

"No?" I murmured. "Perhaps not. Still, I'm not sure Sanzo really means the things he says."

"Maybe not always. But sometimes he does. An' I just don't think he gets it. Not that _I_ really get it either, I guess—not 'cause I think there's somethin' wrong with either of ya', but 'cause I'm not good with stuff like that—but it don't matter if we get it. _You guys_ get it, don'tcha'?" He turned to me, expression very sincere and adamant and open.

I studied him a moment, and then the words came back to me, like a mantra in the back of my mind.

_…Jack of all trades and master of none?_

_ I'm guess that's me._

_ Then join the club._

And I remembered the way he smiled at me, the feeling of camaraderie and closeness it had made me feel towards him, and how it made me want to smile back, how, in those first few days, I had always wanted to smile back for some reason, even when there was nothing to smile about.

Even now, in the garden, with Goku, remembering that conversation, I couldn't help smiling to myself. "Yes. I believe we do."

_And isn't that all that matters?_

I must have fallen asleep there with Goku, and when I awoke, the moon was a bit lower in the west. I assumed it was past midnight now, so I roused him, said goodbye, and sent him off to bed, though I assumed he'd find his way to the temple pantry before he found his way to his room. He was as cheerful when we parted as he'd been when we met, and his merriment had me smiling contentedly for the first few minutes of my long, walk home.

It was cooler now, but I still had much to consider, especially since, now, many of my thoughts from earlier seemed unreasonable, and I felt guilty about the things I'd said to Sanzo and Goku.

Still, it was true, wasn't it?

Sanzo said I was little more than a maid to Gojyo, and perhaps that was true as well, since I did a good deal of housekeeping and cleaning up after him, never even hoping that he might choose to do it himself. In the meantime, he _was _quite frustrating and irresponsible, and he did indeed get under my skin.

So why did I choose to live with him? Why did I choose to stay with him? I clearly had other options I could take, if I felt so inclined. Living with Gojyo was not my only option, and moving away from him didn't necessarily mean cutting him out of my life completely. We could be friends and neighbors without being roommates, couldn't we?

That strange feeling that had been haunting through the back of my mind all evening came back that much stronger now.

_Why do I stay with him?_

What had Goku said? 'You guys get it', wasn't that it?

What was 'it'?

I paused on the side of the road to look down the hill, where I could see our town, in the distance. I was new there, still, and yet, more and more, that place was beginning to feel like my home, but why was that? Couldn't I live there, without living in the same house as Gojyo, and still feel just as at home?

Somehow, I doubted that.

_I want to_. I told myself. _That's all there is to it. That's why I asked to let me live with him in the first place. That's why, the night that Banri…_ That night still made my skin crawl, just a little. _That's why I didn't leave._

As frustrating and immature and irresponsible as he could be, I didn't _want_ to leave him, because if I did that—if I packed up the one suitcase it would take to transport all of my essential belongings and I walked away from him—I knew that it would plunge me into inexpressible darkness.

_Ya' smell happier…_

I knew why that was as well. Because he gave me a sense of contentment and belonging, and no, I didn't necessarily enjoy cleaning up after him all the time, and I was still frustrated when I went out of my way to keep an orderly house, only to have him come home drunk and trash it, but still, I couldn't say I didn't get some sort of satisfaction from having all of that in my life. There was stability to it. And in a way, I must admit, I did like having someone who depended on me. I did like the value I was granted in keeping the house and washing his laundry and making him lunch. Did that make me sick?

More than likely.

But then, as Goku had said, they didn't understand. They didn't see it what I'd seen, and they didn't know what I knew, and that was that, past his irresponsibility and sloppiness, Gojyo was the truest friend a man could ever ask for. Loyalty was part of him, inherently. Benevolence and compassion and strength may have been well-hidden behind flippancy and insensitivity, but they were there, and I knew that better than anyone, not just because he'd picked me up off the side of the road and carried me to safety, but because of the things that had followed that as well.

I'd spent a bit over a month, recovering at his house, and in those days, I had seen what he was really like, and I had loved him for those things. Even if now, not quite half a year later, I couldn't exactly say that to him out loud, I knew it was there, and it had been for a while, and that was why I couldn't just leave him the night Banri almost got him killed, and that was why I couldn't leave him now, even if, some days, he drove me crazy. I wanted to live with him, because I wanted to know that that loyalty and compassion and strength and generosity, was always going to be on my side, perhaps before it was on anyone else's, ever.

As for today…things had just gotten a bit out of control, hadn't they? I was wrong to have thought some of the things I'd thought. I was wrong to think he was greedy and selfish, especially when I'd known all along that he'd take the bet, no matter what it meant for him on a personal level. I'd played him professionally. I'd manipulated him and taken advantage of a well-known flaw in his character, because I thought I could, and then I'd had the audacity to bemoan the results. Even if his reaction had been uncalled for and disgraceful, I never should have had the thoughts I'd had. I'd started this ordeal for my own selfish gain, not even considering that maybe he _needed_ to smoke, for some reason. After all, why should anyone smoke so much if not for some purpose or other?

Perhaps I'd misjudged the situation entirely. One thing was for certain though, I should have been much more delicate about it. Who was I to judge why he acted the way he did? After all, hadn't I come to the conclusion, earlier, that he was clearly, hopelessly, psychologically addicted to nicotine? That must have begun somewhere, mustn't it?

I was getting closer to home now, and the night was quite cold, and I wished I'd brought a jacket, though, when I'd left home, I hadn't needed one. I hadn't intended to stay out so late.

I hesitated on the road again, to consider it all, and my thoughts passed over the scars on his cheek, though I had no idea how they'd come to be there. It could all be intertwined, I supposed. He seemed to have a load of self-destructive tendencies, beyond smoking, including, but not limited to, his devil-may-care, irresponsible lifestyle of gambling and fornicating for a living. It had crossed my mind before that Gojyo had to have had something dark happen to him when he was younger, and for the most part, I didn't even want to guess at what it could be, because my mind could come up with a lot of very unpleasant answers, which I didn't want to consider. In the end, all I could really guess at, with any certainty, was that it all tied together somehow: the scars, the excessive drinking and partying, the promiscuity, and the fact that he'd nearly allowed Banri to kill him, the unstable source of income, and smoking had to also be a part of that. So who in the world was I to judge it?

_Some day,_ I thought, as I was nearing our house, _when we're a bit closer, and we trust each other more fully, perhaps I'll enquire about it, but tonight is not the night._

After all, by this time, I was expecting to walk into a trashed house, a furious Gojyo, and an argument just waiting to happen. It had been almost fifteen hours since he'd had a cigarette, since I didn't doubt he was much too stubborn to give up the bet, even in my absence, and I expected him to be ten times more belligerent and fearsome than he'd been when I left.

I stopped at the door to take a deep breath and gather myself, and to promise myself that I was not going to fight with him, and I was going to do whatever was in my power to make him stop this nonsense.

Casually as possible, I opened the door and announced, "Well, I'm home."

The first thing I noticed was that the house was still perfectly intact. The light in the living room and in the kitchen were both on, and he'd evidently picked up the table, though I still saw glass sparkling on the floor. The second thing I noticed was the wall of cigarette smoke that hit me the moment the door was open. It was pungent and overpowering, nearly knocking me back, and I couldn't quite keep from coughing.

Gojyo was sitting in the living room, in the chair I normally used, his ash tray and a pack of cigarettes sitting next to him on the table, accompanied by two or three empty bottles of liquor. The ash tray was overflowing, and there was an empty pack lying on the floor by his feet, so it looked like he'd been smoking for a while now.

My roommate got up as soon as I entered, swaying drunkenly, arms spread wide, as if to embrace me, and there was a bottle in his left hand, a cigarette in his right. "Hey! Welcome back!"

"You're smoking." I commented, unsure of what else to say exactly.

Gojyo came to me and slung his arm around my neck, "Yeah, yeah, don' be dis'pointed, 'kay, 'Kai? I coul'n't fuckin' do it. So…guess I owe ya' ten thousan' yen."

"I see you're drunk as well."

"Damn straight. T'day sucked so bad."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Jus' don't be dis'pointed, 'kay?" He knocked his head against my own, lightly, and blew out a stream of smoke. "I tried."

He nearly knocked me over, and I had to scramble to hold him up, couldn't help laughing out of pure relief. After all, I'd really been expecting to come home to that same confrontational, irrational, nicotine-deprived Gojyo. "Now, now, I'm not disappointed, of course. As a matter of fact, I'm relieved to see you in such high spirits. I was beginning to worry a little that I'd never get you back."

"Wha? I di'n't go an'where, 'Kai."

"Oh, believe me…you did."

He blinked in a slow, drunken manner. "Righ'. An'way… Hey, I'm sorry I fucked up dinner an' broke the chair an' the plate and knocked down the table an' shit… I was totally insane."

"You were, I agree, but I don't think you need to apologize. In fact, I think I'm the one who should be saying I'm sorry; this was all my fault, you see."

"Wassit?"

"I never should have talked you into this—that was selfish of me."

Gojyo took a long look at my expression, as if he expected to find that I was lying, so I smiled at him.

"Damn. I thou' you were gon' come home _pissed_ as shit. I even stayed in so I coul' 'pologize."

"I appreciate that, but I really do feel responsible for this whole mess."

"Naw, naw. I'm sucha' shit. You were way cool 'bout it."

I laughed, "In that case, why don't we just agree to let bygones be bygones now, and I think you should sit back down, if not go straight to bed. You're quite drunk."

"Righ. Hey, c'mon have a drink with me. I was jus' 'bout ta' break open the sake. I know ya' love that shit."

I glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearly two, but I just smiled and said, "Oh, very well. I'll stay up a while, shall I?"

Gojyo was grinning as he sloppily poured two glasses of sake. "Here's ta'…idunno'. Here's ta' wha?"

I picked my own up smoothly, then handed him his, knocked them together lightly, "Here's to you, I suppose, and how you always keep my life interesting."

He smirked, "An' how ya' always keep me in line." He shotgunned the sake.

"Tch." I shook my head, disapprovingly, "Didn't anyone ever teach you how to drink sake?" Then I took a sip of my own.

Gojyo fell back in his chair, laughing, sloshing alcohol on himself and taking a tremendous drag from his cigarette, "Nope, guess not. Hey, I owe ya' ten thousan' yen, don't I?"

"Oh, I don't think so."

"Na? Why? That was th' deal."

"I'm aware, but I've decided to call it off."

"Hey, you ain't feelin' sorry for me, righ? 'Cause I _got_ the money."

"I know you do. I just don't want it."

"Yeah, but I los'."

"It wasn't a very friendly bet to begin with. I'd just as soon forget about it."

"'Kay, well tell me if ya' change your mind."

"Naturally."

I stayed up with him a while longer after that, drinking a little more sake, but for the most part, I was just watching him down hard liquor and have cigarette after cigarette, in a much more rapid succession than usual. I watched him go through the remainder of the pack he'd had when I walked in, and then open a new one, and go through half a dozen of those as well, and it brought all my earlier suppositions back to mind.

"Gojyo?" I asked, when I knew he was much too drunk to ever remember what was going on.

"Nn, buddy?"

"You certainly smoke a lot."

"Nn, yeah…yeah, I smoke a fuck'velo'."

"It's rather a nasty habit, wouldn't you agree?"

"Nah. Wha'? How?"

"Well, the things it does to your body, for starters: your lungs, your tongue, your gums, even your teeth. It's quite detrimental."

He shrugged and took another drag. He was swaying rhythmically in his seat. "Dunno'. Jus' wha' I do."

"Yes, well. I was just wondering if you might care to divulge why that is."

He froze suddenly, a cigarette still smoking in his hand, the bottle he was drinking from poised halfway to his mouth. "_Why_?"

"Certainly there must be a reason, and perhaps it's none of my business to know what that might be, and yet…I can't help but wonder, so I thought, since you're quite drunk…you might not mind telling me."

Gojyo laughed, abruptly. "Yeah, sure there'sa' reason, 'Kai."

"Well, what is it?"

He smirked at me, and blew a puff of smoke through his nose, "Wouldn' _you_ like ta' know?"

I smiled back, but much more sadly than he was. "I see. It must have been terribly unfortunate, whatever it was."

For a moment, he seemed to consider that, and when he was sure I wasn't making light of him, he returned, gently almost, "Not 's bad 's some people get."

"Perhaps I'll never know if that's true or not. In any case." I stood up, "I suggest you get yourself to bed soon, and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Righ. Ya' real' don' wan' your ten thousa' yen?"

"No, I'm quite sure I don't want it." I lingered there in front of him, reconsidering all the thoughts I'd had today, about my uncertainties regarding why we lived together, and the ways I'd thought I could change him, and now, more than ever, I was positive that I'd never want to change him, and I'd certainly never want to leave him.

"It's good for now, isn't it?"

"Meh, I guess. I don' have tha' much money jus' layin' around an'way."

"No, I didn't mean the money. I was just thinking, it's probably for the best if we don't go making ridiculous attempts at changing one another."

"Oh." He seemed to think about it for a moment, giving me a long, unsteady look eyes locked on mine, half-lidded like he was going to pass out. "Naw. I like ya' th' way ya' are."

I'd never been one to bend to the whims of others or to care very much about what people thought, or to worry over whether or not people liked me, and yet, despite all that, I couldn't deny that I liked hearing it. In a way, it lifted many of the uncertainties I'd been carrying around since childhood.

That lightness got me laughing, for the pure enjoyment of mirth, and nothing more—a laugh out of the heart.

Gojyo laughed a bit too, but not quite as sincerely, probably because he had no idea what I was laughing about, and then he got up and hooked his arm over my shoulder, leaning on me casually, "You're too nice ta' me, 'Kai."

"Oh, I don't think so. After all, I like you the way you are too."

"Even though I'ma' nasty, unhealthy, inconsiderate, asshole smoker?" He joked.

"Mmhm. Albeit, it's not my favorite part of you, but yes, even considering that. I can't say I'd ever want to change you."

He grinned and gave me a light, playful shove, "Then I guess you're stuck with me, sunshine."

"I certainly hope so." I pushed him back, just as lightly, laughed when he tripped over his own feet and fell onto the couch. "Now go to bed, you maniac."


	26. Chapter 26

**Note: Hey, guys. This here is what I call straight-ahead writing. In other words, I didn't plot, plan, sketch, research, or prep for it. I haven't written any Saiyuki fics in a while, and I was missing it; I took one concept and ran with it. That being said…it's kind of weird. Not too weird, but a little strange in its progression.**

**I hope you enjoy it though. =]**

**Merry Christmas**

Presence

Chilly wind blew, whipping my hair into my eyes and bringing sparkling flecks of snow down on us in icy droves, the snow-covered streets were empty and quiet as we walked through town, with only a few people passing through the shadows. I kept one hand tucked in my jacket pocket, but the one holding my cigarette felt numb and frozen.

Hakkai adjusted his long, green scarf and sighed deeply. "It's a wild night, isn't it?"

"It's fuckin' cold."

"Yes. I'll be happy to get home."

Me too. I had enough alcohol in me to last until we reached the bottle of sake I'd bought yesterday, and all in all, it seemed like a good night to hole up in the warm comforts of our house and keep out of the wind and the wet.

Above us, the sky had turned pitch black, but streaks of dark purple and blue still hesitated on the horizon, and the stars were emerging one by one. Around us, most of the buildings were dark, but warm, orange-pink lights burned in every house, and some were even decorated with twinkling, colored strands of Christmas lights; here and there I noticed large, thick wreathes on the doors.

I took a deep, cleansing breath of frosty air. This year, Christmas seemed okay; I wasn't hating it or wishing it would go away like all the years before, and I had to admit that even in the lonely, damp night I felt comfortable enough. It was good to know I wasn't alone this time, that I wasn't going to _be_ alone. Hakkai proved that to me last Christmas, and on all the days between the two, and at this point I'd be totally shocked if he picked up and took off.

Not _totally_ shocked, but a little surprised at least.

"What're you and the monkey doing tonight?"

"Nothing extravagant. We'll likely decorate the tree, eat a little dinner, and perhaps exchange a gift or two."

"Gift?" I stopped in my tracks. I still wasn't used to that idea, and I realized suddenly I hadn't gotten anything for either of them.

"Yes, that's right." Hakkai kept walking like he didn't notice I'd stopped. "That seems to be the tradition Goku is most excited about."

I checked my pockets, as if I could find something there I might be able to give away. I didn't have anything except for a condom I hadn't gotten to use, a handful of winnings from the casino, a beer token, my cigarettes, and the lighter Hakkai gave me for last Christmas, which was still the nicest thing anyone had ever gotten me. I could barely imagine anything being able to top it—even the birthday present he'd given me last month had been characteristically practical and unimpressive compared to the lighter that had quickly become my favorite—still, I knew better than to think he hadn't gotten me _something_ for Christmas.

"We're keeping it simple this year though," Hakkai went on, getting further and further away from me. "There wasn't time to go all out between my job and my other responsibilities; still, it'll do."

"Sounds good." I jogged after him, wondering if I might be able to come up with some excuse, or at least a detour, that would give me the chance to get him and Goku _something. _Even if it was completely stupid and useless, Hakkai would say 'it's the thought that counts'.

What was even open around here on Christmas Eve? I could get him a shot glass maybe, or a bottle of wine. No, that sounded too romantic. A beer? A six pack. There had to be something…. Getting Goku a gift from the liquor store was out of the question. They didn't even sell food—unless he'd be willing to eat a lime.

That would have to be good enough. "Hey, let's stop by the liquor store."

Hakkai glanced mildly at me. "No, there's no time. I promised Goku we'd be home by eight. I don't want him waiting for us a long time."

That shot that out of the water. Maybe there'd be a chance of getting him something tomorrow morning. Christmas wouldn't be over yet.

Shuddering, I switched cigarette hands to warm the cold one.

Hakkai smiled. "It's nights like this I wish we had a kotatsu."

I laughed. I'd never even _thought_ about having a kotatsu. "So buy one."

"Where on earth would we put it? Our house is crowded enough."

"Beggars can't be choosers."

"Can _con artists_ be choosers, Gojyo?"

"Sometimes." I sniffed. "Anyway, that was a long time ago—I was young and stupid."

"That's a wise thing coming from a twenty-one-year-old."

"It was Banri's idea."

"Naturally."

Grinning, I slung my arm around his neck. There had to be something I could throw together for him at the last second. I could barely imagine any of my stuff at home being appealing to Hakkai, but who knew? I just didn't want to be the asshole who'd completely forgotten Christmas, and I was tired of feeling like I always let him down. Normally, I might not even think twice about it. I might tell myself 'a guy who makes a living gambling shouldn't have to give anybody presents', but tonight I felt closer to him than usual, and I didn't want to disappoint him. "Thanks for coming out with me."

"Not at all. Everyone's entitled to enjoy Christmas in whatever way they see fit, including you."

"Fuck Christmas. It's just cool you actually agreed to leave the house in this weather."

He smiled in reply, and I felt all the stupider for not having something to give him.

We passed a tavern, lit and blazing with decorations and lights. The inside roared with laughter and singing voices. Everybody was so into Christmas, and I honestly still wasn't sure why, if it had to do with the romance, or the presents, or the decorations. None of that stuff mattered to me. There was something about it though, something I'd been scared to get close to for a long time. Those feelings of companionship and belonging had always seemed totally off limits…. I thought maybe I _could_ like Christmas too. Maybe I could get into it like everybody else, if I had the chance.

I fucked up this year, not remembering it was coming, but hopefully next year I'd get my shit together. After all, for the first time in my life I had people around me I cared about enough to put in the effort for.

Well, that wasn't exactly true. I'd put in plenty of effort for people in the past, they just hadn't given a shit back.

_I don't need to think about those assholes ever again,_ I told myself, with some relief.

Taking a deep breath, Hakkai gazed up at the inky sky. "I feel strangely like going to midnight mass. How odd."

I looked questioningly at him. "But it's not midnight."

Hakkai laughed. "No. More to the point, I don't think there's a church for miles around."

"I ain't complaining. I get enough religious lectures from Sanzo."

"Oh, yes, I nearly forgot. He'll be in attendance this evening."

I turned to him again. "No shit? I thought he was all anti-Christmas."

"Not necessarily. Being a practicing Buddhist it's not in his nature to observe it, but it's not as if he's entirely opposed to it."

Great. One more person I didn't have anything for. At least I had the comfort of knowing Sanzo probably hadn't gotten a gift for me either.

"He's gonna' help you guys decorate a tree?" I asked skeptically.

"Doubtful. You know, I think Goku must have talked him into it." He seemed to think a moment. "They're getting quite close, don't you think?"

"If you say so. I still don't see how Goku can stand to be around that jerk day in and day out."

Hakkai clicked his tongue. "Honestly, Gojyo, where's your Christmas spirit? Sanzo's not _that_ disagreeable."

"Yeah right. You don't think he's-"

Hakkai stopped without warning, and I jostled against him.

"Dude?"

He gestured down the road, where a small group of guys had gathered, forming a line to block our path. For the most part, the shadows hid them, shrouding their faces and expressions, but I could tell from their body language they weren't in our way for fun.

Me and Hakkai exchanged a glance, and he muttered, "Next time I pick the bar, Gojyo."

"What makes you think they have anything to do with the bar? Maybe you dropped your glove and they wanna' return it."

He shook his head, and I stepped forward. "What's up, guys?" I called. "You're in our way."

"This's got nothing to do with _you_, Gojyo," a voice answered. I recognized it but couldn't for the life of me remember the guy's name. He was just some part-timer at the grocery store. "Stay out of it."

"You're in the way," I repeated.

Hakkai muttered, "We could always go around the other way."

"Fuck that, this's the quickest way home."

All together, the guys moved forward, taking heavy, purposeful steps in our direction. "So, Cho Hakkai. What'dya' have to say for yourself? First you clean us out, cheating at the card table, and now this."

"He wasn't cheating," I snapped. "You assholes must suck at cards, that's all."

They'd reached us, and the guy talking had come close enough for me to make out a few features of his body. He was chubby and short, with a wide, flat nose. He growled, "I told you to stay out of this."

"Stay out of _what_? You seriously picking a fight over losing a hand of cards?"

I glanced at Hakkai, but he was standing unnaturally still, like he always did just before a fight.

"We don't even know who you guys are," I finished, throwing my cigarette down. If Hakkai thought a fight might start, it probably would.

They fat guy pointed at Hakkai. _"He_ knows exactly who I am."

"You bagged my groceries yesterday afternoon," Hakkai said before I could ask.

"That's right, smart ass. I've been watching you. Everybody in town thinks you're _so_ great, so polite. It makes me sick."

"Because you bag his groceries?" I demanded, feeling more confused by the second. "Get a new job, loser."

Fatty ignored me. "You know, it doesn't even matter you cheated us all at cards. We don't care about that."

Another kid squawked, "_I_ care, Jojo. We all care."

A few others murmured their agreement. None of them sounded especially smart, and if they were bitching about losing at gambling, they probably weren't. I recognized a few of them. They'd been at the bar with us.

Jojo turned to snarl, "That's not what we agreed on, Ainiku!" He glared at Hakkai. "There are a lot of reasons to chase Cho Hakkai out of town."

"Woah, woah, woah." I stepped forward, but Hakkai grabbed my arm and cut me off, saying coolly, "Such as what?"

"We know what you are," Jojo snarled. "Oh, yeah, we figured it out."

My heart skipped a beat. No one in town knew anything about Hakkai's past life as a serial killer. How could these little punks have figured it out?

"You damn youkai."

I rolled my eyes and gave a sigh of relief. "That's what you're all pissed about? Him being a youkai? So what? There're plenty of youkai in this town."

Jojo gnashed his teeth at me. "I told you to shut up, Gojyo. What kinda' self-respecting human hangs out with a youkai?"

Another kid hissed, nastily, "Oh, _he_ always has. Gojyo's a huge youkai lover—he bounced right from Banri to Hakkai without even a rebound."

My face burned. "I'm not-"

Jojo shook his head in disappointment. "You're a slut, Gojyo, but nobody gives a shit what you do. Beat it before you get hurt."

"Yeah? Who died and made _you_ tough shit? Anyway, so what if he's a youkai?"

"Maybe if he knew his place, kept out of everybody's way, and didn't act like such an arrogant asshole we wouldn't care. We'd let it go. But this guy ain't like that. No. He runs around town like he's _really_ special, makin' friends with all the housewives, parading through the market with all the self-respecting, hard-working human citizens, now he's even got the gall to teach human kids at cram school. It's disgusting."

Hakkai finally spoke up again, "I fail to see how making an honest living and contributing to the economy qualifies as disgusting."

Jojo shouldered in closer, jabbing a thick, sausage-like finger in Hakkai's face. "I bet you think you're clever. I bet you think nobody has any idea what you are, wearing that limiter like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Well _I _figured it out, and I think it's wrong. Even if nobody else has the guts to say so, we're all thinking it."

"You're not making any sense, Jojo-san-"

Jojo shoved him against the wall. "Don't you Jojo_-san_ me. You think you're so smart. You think you're so much better than everyone!"

Hakkai caught his breath and went on, stormier than before, "I assumed most humans preferred for youkai to wear limiters."

"Bullshit! How're we supposed to tell you fuckers apart from us?"

"You figured it out."

"Yeah, I'm smart. You got everybody else in town fooled—even your boyfriend," he pointed at me, "but not me! You youkai are all alike, no matter how polite you act! You're bloodthirsty monsters!"

His boys were gathering around, sneering and punching their fists into their hands eagerly.

I decided I'd enjoy watching Hakkai maul them all, so I lit a cigarette and stood back to watch.

"You're making a mistake," Hakkai told them calmly. "I don't wear this limiter to hide what I am. I wear it to-"

"Shut up!" Jojo socked him in the stomach, and Hakkai doubled over.

"Hey!" I took a step forward, but Jojo drew a gun from under his coat and waved it at me.

"Don't make me tell you again—stay the fuck out of this!"

Some of the other punks around me drew guns too: black, compact pistols that shone in the dim light.

"This is absurd," Hakkai coughed, struggling to recover. "You have no grounds to hold us at gunpoint; we haven't done anything to any of you."

Laughing, Jojo pressed the barrel of his gun to Hakkai's forehead.

My heart started racing. I couldn't breathe. They wouldn't shoot him—they couldn't. Not like this. On fucking Christmas Eve?

"Think not? You mock this town, walking around with your limiter on. Trying to hide the truth. Trying to fool everyone. We'll, they're all gonna' know by tomorrow, Hakkai.

His boys hooted and cheered.

Hakkai stayed perfectly still. Even _he_ couldn't dodge a bullet at such a close range.

Jojo's voice boomed through the street, "We're gonna' show everybody what you really are! You won't have a chance in hell of staying in this town when it's over!"

"You don't know what you're doing," Hakkai insisted, finally sounded bothered. "You shouldn't do this."

"Too late," Jojo sneered. Keeping Hakkai's head pinned between the wall of the tavern and the muzzle of his gun, he snapped the limiters off Hakkai's ear, one after another.

"Wait a goddamn second!" I shouted, finally risking moving forward.

One of his guys hit me in the back of the head with his pistol, and I fell to the snow, cursing and rubbing my skull. "Son of a bitch."

I waited for the flash of unholy light and the cracking of the earth under my feet, but the night stayed still. No screaming, no evil laughter, no freak lightning strikes. When I looked up, Hakkai had changed already, and there was nothing I could do.

Shit. _Shit._ He was scary. No wonder I expected heaven and earth come apart. When he'd removed his limiters to save me from Banri's so-called friends his transformation had been just as quiet, but the bloodbath that followed still flashed through my mind from time to time. That strength of his, that speed and agility, that flawless ability to murder deserved more ado.

If nothing else, it came with a powerful increase to his aura. The mild-mannered, chill feeling of Hakkai's youkai energy was usually so calm I barely noticed it hanging in the house and around my head wherever we went together. With his limiters removed it spiked drastically and raged like an inferno, smothering everything else, threatening to choke the very air with danger and wrath. It was like being near ten Hakkai's, and what wasn't terrifying about that?

Jojo and his gang must not have liked it either. They were a pretty average group of meatheaded thugs, so I doubted they could sense an aura in the first place, but they must have felt _something_. Already Ainiku and a bunch of the others had backed away, muttered and whispering to each other, looking scared shitless.

Jojo continued to laugh for a second, but it didn't take him long to shut up. He was staring directly into Hakkai's eyes, and whatever he saw there was enough to get him to lower the gun and back off too. "S-see?" he stammered. "You _are_ a monster. A monster dressing like a human…you've got some nerve…being so terrifying and acting so mild…"

Hakkai didn't blink. His voice hadn't changed in pitch or sound, but its temper sounded all the calmer; it was a still, chilling voice, direct in its language, but subtle in its savagery as he said, "You've proven your point. Return those to me." He lifted a clawed finger to point at Jojo's trembling hand, which I assumed held the limiters.

"Yeah-yeah right, f-freak…" another punk stammered. "Everybody deserves to see what you're really l-like."

Not replying, Hakkai watched as they began to retreat, first backing away like he was an angry bear, and one by one starting to run. Jojo hung out a second, gloating and laughing, but it looked like he was pissing himself.

"Yuh-you're gonna' lose your job…your house…everything." He jerked his thumb at me again. "I-I bet _this_ fag'll even run out on you now…"

"Congratulations," Hakkai intoned emotionlessly. "You've successfully ruined my life."

I got to my feet, feeling blood trickle down the back of my neck. "This's nuts…"

Laughing all the more crazily, Jojo turned and started to run, fat legs moving as fast as they could. He waddled like an overstuffed penguin.

I thought for sure Hakkai would chase him, but he just watched them go, not moving a muscle. His lips barely moved as he said. "Would you get those back for me?"

Never mind I'd just been hit in the head with the butt of someone's gun, or that I was confused as fuck, or that youkai Hakkai was all-around, undeniably, shit-your-pants-and-scream _freaky_.

Hesitantly, I watched Jojo huff his way down the street.

Hakkai added calmly, "Please?"

"Shit." I sprang after Jojo, knowing it would be easy to overtake him, knock him down, and rip the limiters away from him. I could even get a few punches in for good measure.

"You might as well give it up!" I shouted, bearing down hard. Ice and wind stung my face, but my eyes stayed fixed on the fat fuck.

He panted and wheezed pathetically. "Not. On. Your. Life."

"Give 'em back, or I'll rip your head off!"

Jojo gave an exhausted laugh, seconds before I tackled him to the ground. For several moments we tussled on the ground, tossing and rolling through the snow, grappling and swiping at each others clothes. I got real sick of it after a second and ripped out my switchblade, and in a flash of bright steel, pressed it to his fat, sagging neck.

"Give 'em!" I snarled.

A shot rang out. I felt the bullet zip past my ear.

Yelping, I fell back, losing my grip on the blade in the process.

Ainiku stood a few yards away, pistol leveled on me, trembling uncontrollably, and I got the feeling that was the only reason he'd missed. He fired two more shots, and both missed.

"You guys are fuckin' nuts!" I screamed, scrambling back on the snowy ground.

Jojo heaved himself to his feet again, puffing and wiping his forehead. "_You're_ nuts. Think. About. It. Bein' friends…with that…nightmare…he'll _kill_ you…Gojyo. Just like…Banri…tried to…."

"Banri didn't-"

"They're dangerous. _Evil_. It's just…a matter…of time…" With that, he turned and trotted away again, slower than ever, and disappeared around the corner.

Ainiku kept his gun pointed in my direction until Jojo had disappeared, and then he backed away too. When he'd gone far enough, he fired a final warning shot, turned and ran after his friends.

Slowly, I picked up my knife with a freezing, shaking hand, and slowly got to my feet, dusting snow from my soaked knees and coat, then limped back to where Hakkai waited.

Hanging in the shadows, still as a statue and grave as death, he _did_ look like something out of a nightmare; his glass, green eye sparkled, and his yellow one glowed, its elliptical pupil fixed unwaveringly on me. His ears were sharp as knives, and his claws were long and bright like daggers. I'd seen him once before in this form, and it had scared the living hell out of me then—he'd chewed through throngs of men without blinking, leaving some alive and others…

I stopped a good distance from him. "I couldn't get them back….Sorry."

He still didn't even twitch; he didn't seem agitated, bothered, or worried. If anything, he wasn't showing any sign that he even _had_ emotions. "It's not your fault. Did you get shot?"

"No." It seemed weird he wasn't closing the gap between us, that he wasn't double-checking for his own peace of mind that I wasn't badly injured, especially when we both knew I'd lie automatically to keep him from scolding or worrying.

"I apologize for sending you after him, but in this state I'd prefer not to get involved in anything too…forceful."

I cocked my head, studying the vine patterns across his face thoughtfully. In the dim light, I couldn't quite make out what color they were, and they looked black. "Do you feel…?"

"No, I don't feel any particular way. I just…" he hesitated, expression finally showing some concern. "I don't know exactly what I can _do_ in this state."

I nodded. He definitely looked like he could take somebody apart by accident. His shape hadn't changed, but he _looked_ stronger and more confident in the way he stood; dressed in his green turtle neck, slacks, and overcoat, with those delicate, little glasses still resting absurdly across the bridge of his nose, he really did look like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Mild-mannered, infallibly polite Hakkai finally looked the part for the mass murderer Sanzo had come hunting for. He looked nothing like the injured, troubled, emo kid I'd let sleep off a nightmare in my bed for more than a month. Honestly, I never would have expected violence of the guy I picked up in the rain that night. Sure, some of the things he said were strange—most of them were—and some of the looks that came across his face were dark, violent even, but he had seemed like the kind of book nerd who'd bend over and take it just to keep his dignity intact. He'd seemed like the typical workaholic, over-achieving, scholastic type who'd slit his wrists over an A minus in calculus class. Killer? No. Never.

The thought crossed my mind more than once as he laid in my bed, recovering from getting his guts all but torn out. I'd been in the underworld long enough to know people didn't get torn open like that for nothing. Sure, I'd considered it. I'd said to myself 'maybe this guy did something really bad', but then he'd smile at me and say some damn thing in Keigo, like he was from another planet, and I'd always pushed the thought away. I'd told myself it had to be something else. He was the victim. There were plenty of assholes out there who'd rip a guy open for the hell of it while they were taking his wallet. I'd met a bunch of them.

Then again, when Sanzo showed up looking for a mass murderer, I'd experienced a moment of surprise, a sort of 'that's impossible' moment; it didn't last long though before the light bulb of realization came on and the acceptance woke up. I hadn't fought it or argued with Sanzo or tried to tell myself the guy I'd been helping couldn't have possibly done something so messed up. Of course, I couldn't let Sanzo have him either, but at least I hadn't gone through some huge saga of denial.

Hakkai was a serial killer. A mass murderer. I'd always handled that well enough without thinking very hard about what it meant. A thousand youkai. Sure, that was a lot, but I didn't lose sleep over it. Never in the whole two and half years we'd lived together had I worried even slightly that he'd sneak into my bedroom at night and make me victim number one thousand and one.

It was easy, I realized, not worrying about it when he sat around knitting and gardening and cooking, teaching cram school, always dressed neatly, always keeping the house tidy. He didn't even scrimp on shaving in the morning or skip bathing every now and then. His domestication was flawless. Yes, I'd seen him knock the shit out of guys twice his size. Okay, that night he took his limiters off to save my life…it all happened so fast. I barely saw what he looked like. I could have convinced myself it was just a dream if I'd tried. I didn't have any _reason_ to be scared of Hakkai. Not truly, honestly afraid. Yeah, I knew he could beat the hell out of me if I pissed him off. He wouldn't actually do something like that though. His serial killing days were over. Weren't they?

Why in the hell was I suddenly feeling too freaked out to get within ten feet of him?

Hakkai frowned. "Not that I'm _intending_ to do anything."

"No, right. Obviously." Agreeing with him seemed like the best thing to do. Hakkai could be patient for a long, long time, but I'd seen him lose his temper over practically nothing too.

He glanced up and down the street. "What a dilemma."

"Yeah. No kidding."

He touched his long, sharp, left ear, obviously missing his limiters. I didn't understand why. He could do whatever he wanted in this form. Nobody could make him do anything. Looking at him, seeing how strong he was, feeling his aura roiling all around me, I suddenly decided I'd give up my left nut to be fully youkai.

"Well." He sighed deeply. "I certainly can't decorate a Christmas tree with Goku when I'm like this. Frankly, I'd rather not see Sanzo or Goku at all until I have my limiters back. Particularly Sanzo."

"Me neither."

"Theoretically, retrieving them shouldn't be difficult. The guns are the only obstacles, as best I can tell."

"How crazy, right?" I said, still trying to sound as placating as possible. I didn't want to give him a single reason to think I wasn't on his side. "They pulled that shit on us for nothing. I mean…on you. I guess they think I'm just a normal dude." I tried to grin.

That seemed to wake him up from his thoughts, and he looked at me again. "How's your head."

I touched the back of my skull and my hand came back slightly bloody. My head pounded with migraine-scale pain, I just hadn't noticed. I'd been too wrapped up in the Hakkai phenomenon. "Um. It's okay."

Again, when he normally would have come straight over and felt the bump himself and assessed the damage with his own eyes, he stayed right where he was. He lifted two fingers, but slowly, and I stiffened.

"How many?"

"Two."

"I suppose you'll be all right."

"Good thing my skull's so thick, yeah?"

His forehead wrinkled. "I suppose…"

I realized I wasn't smoking. That probably looked weird. I fumbled for my cigarettes, not taking my eyes off him. "What should we do?"

He checked his watch. "I'm supposed to be home in less than ten minutes to decorate with Goku…seeing as that isn't happening…. Do you have any idea where Jojo-san and his cronies might go?"

I barely knew who Jojo even was, but I didn't dare tell him that now. "Uh. Sure. Yeah. Well, I mean…no, not exactly…but I bet they're easy to find."

Hakkai's eyes narrowed.

I struggled to light my cigarette. I realized my hand was shaking really bad. Dammit, I needed to get myself together. It wasn't like I'd never seen a youkai without a power limiter before. I'd come from a family of them. I'd grown up in a _town_ full of unlimited youkai.

But Hakkai wasn't just a youkai. In every breath he breathed, in every look he gave me, with every beat of his heart, he was something else. Every minute fiber of his being and every drop of blood screamed that he was more than a demon.

"It's Christmas Eve. There aren't a lot of places they could go. Home maybe? There are only like five bars open, if that. The grocery store could still be open—maybe Jojo had to go to work."

Hopelessly I flicked my lighter. I had to calm down or I wouldn't be able to smoke, and I couldn't possibly calm down without a cigarette.

"You know, they might come back to us in a while. Just to see how their master plan is playing out."

Like hell. Jojo and his buddies were way too scared to come within miles of Hakkai now. I didn't blame them a bit. I tried to think of some way _I_ could get away from him.

"Maybe we can buy you a new limiter. A better one. You're not much of an earring guy anyway, right? I got an idea, we'll get you a prince albert, and nobody will ever know you're wearing a limiter; except for the chicks you fuck….if you ever fuck a chick again. Not that you won't. Shit it's Christmas Eve, huh? The body-piercing place is probably closed. Fuck, everything's closed."

Suddenly, Hakkai moved forward.

I took a wide step back, right into the wall of the building opposite his.

The moon had come out since all this started, and the snow had stopped. His dark hair flowed back from his neck and his eyes flamed like coals. His skin looked almost as white as the snow, and those vine patterns turned out to be green. He had the posture and demeanor of a true predator, brimming with confidence, body charged with all the raw strength he needed to back that confidence up.

"Dude." I put my hands up, but he was more fluid than normal Hakkai. I probably couldn't fight him off if I were armed to the teeth. I thought about my switchblade, back in the pocket of my jacket now, but he'd have both my arms ripped off before I could even get to it.

Carefully, he pried the lighter from my hand and lit the cigarette for me, and I was too caught up in the courteous, unexpectedly friendly gesture to react.

"You're acting strange." He handed the lighter back to me.

"Am I?"

"Suggesting I pierce my genitalia and agreeing with everything I say? It certainly seems odd on this end. Are you sure your head is all right?"

"Yeah. It's okay."

He nodded solemnly. "In that case, please go home and tell Goku I'll be late. I suppose it's reasonable for him to wait an hour or two, if he pleases, but if we haven't resolved this within a decent amount of time he has the option of proceeding with the festivities without me, including eating the food I purchased."

I nodded to show him I was listening.

"While you're there, please don't say anything to Sanzo about what's happened. I don't want him to know I'm going around in this form."

"Think he'll be mad?"

"No. However, he has been charged with the task of watching me to make sure I don't revert to my murderous ways. I'm sure knowing my limiters have gone missing will put him ill at ease."

I nodded again.

"Furthermore, I'll need the phonebook. Or perhaps not the whole thing. We need some idea of where this Jojo person lives. If you have the presence of mind to research it yourself, that's fine, if not, bring the listing to me."

I was still nodding emphatically.

He caught my face to stop me, and I was startled by the gentleness of his touch. It didn't feel an ounce harsher than how he'd normally touch me. He lowered his voice, speaking sincerely, "Please come back in a timely manner, Gojyo. I'd rather not have to do this without you."

"No problem, pal," I husked.

With that, he let go of me and stepped aside. "I'll be waiting right here."

As I walked away, I felt like a total idiot. I'd acted like a complete douche to him, all freaked out and scared, like he was going to hurt me, being a total yes-man skeez, just to save my own ass. Fuck. I'd acted exactly like Banri.

Hakkai _was_ scary in that form. I wasn't imagining that. Jojo and his gang ran away like a group of school kids.

Still, he was my buddy…

When I reached the end of the street, I hesitated to look back at him. He was a stiff shadow in the night, but he looked lonely and forgotten, and I wondered what he thought, knowing I was scared of him.

"Hurry up, Gojyo," he called quietly.

Shrugging, I turned my back on him and started the long, weary march home.

I made it to my place in record-breaking time, and as soon as I saw it I wished I could stay there. It was nice, tucked away in the woods, away from everything. There had been a time I hated that about this place; there had been a time I'd rarely come back here because it was inconvenient and lonely. Tonight, I loved that about it.

A few strands of white and red lights had been strung up over the roof and around the windows, and the lights inside were on. I heard the voice of Goku laughing and chattering excitedly. Other than that, the woods were perfectly quiet. Snow fell gently.

Maybe there was time for a quick sake before I went back.

I shook that away. I didn't _want_ to traipse around in the snow all night, but I couldn't leave Hakkai hanging, whether he scared me or not.

When I opened the door, Goku ran to greet me, yammering and tugging on my arm. "Did'ja bring me a present?"

I barely looked at him. "Um. What?" I wandered into the kitchen to look absently for the phonebook. I hadn't realized we kept a phonebook, and I had no idea where to find it.

Sanzo stood to the side of the kitchen, glaring at me and smoking. "Where the hell have you been? Hakkai told us he'd be here at eight."

"Out." I checked around the phone, where I thought the phonebook should be, but it wasn't there. I started to search the kitchen. That seemed like the most logical spot.

"You're thirty minutes late," he growled, staring angrily at the front door. "And where's Hakkai?"

Frantically, I searched through every drawer and on every shelf, up in every cabinet. The phonebook wasn't in any of them. "Yeah, yeah. He's comin', he's just a little late."

"Late? How late? We don't have all night to wait for him."

I hesitated to look at him. "Why not? You got somewhere else to be on Christmas Eve?"

"Home."

"So go." I found the phonebook lying in the middle of the table. Did he always keep it there? Absently, I started thumbing through the pages. What was dumb-fuck Jojo's family name anyway? It could _be_ Jojo. I started there.

Goku skipped into the room again. "Where's Hakkai at? I wanna' get started! I brought your guys' presents! Wanna' open yours?"

"Sure."

"Okay! Hey, wait, where's Hakkai? What about dinner? I'm hungry! He promised we'd eat as soon as he got here!"

"He did," Sanzo agreed gruffly. "And _I'm_ tired of hearing about how hungry Goku is."

I jerked my head in the direction of the fridge. "Chicken's in there."

They stared at me as I read the listing for Jojo, but I didn't know one from the other. Hakkai would have to figure this out. I ripped the page from the book.

"Hey," Sanzo snapped. "What the hell is your problem, Kappa?"

"Yeah, ya' look like ya' saw a ghost or somethin'."

Anxiously, I dragged on my cigarette. Maybe I'd better bring the whole phonebook, on second thought. If Jojo wasn't his last name, we'd need it. I tucked the page I'd torn out back into place and closed the book. I headed for the door. "Hakkai says wait an hour for him, if you want, and if he's not here by then, start without him. I'd start without him if I were you."

"Why?" Goku demanded.

Sanzo actually caught my arm and stopped me. "What the hell's going on, Gojyo?"

For the first time, I looked him in the eyes. The purple that normally looked so hard and cold suddenly seemed stoic and discerning. I felt the strangest desire to tell him what was going on. He could probably deal with this better than I could, and then I'd be able to stay here and forget the whole thing.

His forehead wrinkled as he read the distress in my own expression. "What happened to Hakkai?"

"Nothin'. Hey…he's…totally sane, right?"

Now he raised an eyebrow. "_Hakkai_? Hmph. I highly doubt Cho Hakkai is entirely sane."

"I mean, like criminally insane."

Sanzo looked more bewildered by the second. "Why?"

I shrugged lamely, glanced at Goku, who was watching me with wide, golden eyes. It wasn't like he didn't know. "I mean…he killed all those people…"

The scowl Sanzo gave me made me feel dumber than ever. "_You've_ lived with him almost three years, not me. I can hardly believe I'm saying this, but you're the expert, so what do you think?"

I honestly didn't know.

Slowly, his expression turned more and more serious, and his grip tightened on my arm. "Did he do something?"

"Like what?"

"You _know_ like what."

"No."

Sanzo said sternly, "If he did something…you know you have to tell me. You know that's a really big deal. Don't you, Gojyo?"

It was one of the only times he'd talked to me like I was more than an idiot. I thought I even detected some concern in his tone.

"You know the Three Aspects only said he could stay free as long as I watched him and he didn't show any signs of being dangerous. If that's changed, you have to tell me."

"But he's always dangerous," I muttered, "isn't he? He killed all those people before he even became a youkai."

Sanzo spent a moment smoking in silence, clearly trying to figure out what was going through my head. "There's a difference between being capable of violence and being dangerous. I'd expect you to know that, because you're no innocent little boy yourself."

"I'm not like Hakkai," I objected. "Not even close."

"No," he agreed, "you're not. But that's more a matter of personality than of physical ability. To be a true killer, you have to start out with murder in your heart. Not self-defense. Not a desire to survive. Not because someone told you to or forced you into it. Vengeance is a cold-blooded thing. A choice. Hakkai is what he is because of a choice he made, the same as you or me, and our choices show what we are."

That all made sense, so I nodded, and then I took a good, long look around the house, at the immaculate order and organization, the homey decorations and house plants, the tell-tale fingerprints of homemaking and attention to detail and the devotion to comfort. A serial killer had made the shack Banri and I conned away from an old man into a home. A serial killer had turned it into a place I actually wanted to come back to. That serial killer had changed my life from the way I spent my time, down to every last thing I thought and felt.

As if he'd read my thoughts, Sanzo added, "Regardless of all that, the Hakkai you know, that lives here with you, day in and day out, is more honest and real than what anyone, including me or Goku, ever sees. I know whatever he shows you is genuinely who he is. As much as I've been trusted to it, I've given up on watching him, because I trust if the day comes along when I can't trust _him_ anymore, I'll still be able to trust _you._"

Could I do it? If Hakkai did a complete one-eighty and went back to killing people, could I tell Sanzo? Did someone like me even have a right to judge what Hakkai did?

I realized that if Hakkai started killing people without due cause and without remorse, he wouldn't be Hakkai anymore. The Hakkai I knew liked gardening, cooking, and studying. If he replaced that with maiming and murdering innocent people, I'd _have_ to tell Sanzo; just like if I gave up going out and sleeping around for nightly bloodbaths, he'd do something to stop me.

Sanzo let go of me and said, "Just go get that idiot so we can eat."

With a feeble grin, I took my phonebook and left.

As I walked back into town, I thought about it.

When Kanan was taken from him, Hakkai had the choice to turn the other cheek and go on with life. He had the option to accept that. Nobody made him murder his neighbors. Nobody made him go to Hyakuganmaoh castle and kill those thousand youkai. He chose to. Did that mean the little boy who'd been raised in the Catholic orphanage, who'd been accepted into college as a teenager, had always been a killer deep inside? Did that mean he would have snapped at some point, over some thing, one way or another? Couldn't he be the kind of ingenious, highly educated guy who got frustrated with the system one day and took a gun to school or work?

It seemed like that must be true. When push came to shove, Hakkai wasn't one to bend over and take it. Not like me, letting my mother beat me day after day for her sake, and Jien's sake, and everybody's sake but my own. Not like me, letting Banri con me and manipulate me and use me and throw me away when he got sick of it. Those things wouldn't have happened to Hakkai. Even if they did, he wouldn't have let them go on for so long that he eventually found himself on the verge of being murdered.

And if he was really that kind of guy who'd rather kill than be killed, and I was really dumb enough to rather die than kill, maybe I was an idiot for hanging around with him, just like Jojo had said.

Or else Hakkai felt that he had a life worth fighting and killing for, and sometimes I still didn't know that I did. If Hakkai wanted to kill me I'd let him. I'd just let him…because that seemed better than being in the world without him.

I found him exactly where I'd left him. He didn't appear to have moved at all, still hanging out in the shadows, watching the snow fall.

"It doesn't seem like you hurried," he said as I handed him the phonebook.

"I did…it was hard explaining to Sanzo why you weren't with me. That's all."

"But you didn't tell him the truth."

"Nah, dude."

"Good. I'd really rather not worry him."

I watched him look through the phonebook. He'd never looked so like a killer before, not even with the blackest of looks on his face. In those dark looks I'd been able to see how he might be more dangerous than he seemed, but not enough to fill me with the doubts I felt now.

"Did the cops come?" I asked, casually, trying to hide my misgivings.

"In this neighborhood, I'd be shocked if anyone even _called_ them over hearing a few gunshots."

Good. We didn't need to deal with them. Especially not when Hakkai looked like this.

"Here we are," he said after a moment passed. "Shendo Jojo." He read off an address on the other side of town.

"How'd you know his first name?"

"He wears a name tag at work." He shut the phonebook with a thump. "Shall we? I'm eager for hot sake after standing in the cold for so long."

"Why do you think he and his friends did this?"

He blinked at me. "Likely for the knee-jerk, narrow-minded reasons he gave us."

"So he just hates youkai and doesn't like it when we pretend to be humans?"

"Apparently."

"But why you?"

"Why not me? I'm likely the most human-like youkai he's ever met. Evidently he sees my behavior as a masquerade, which, I must say, I can hardly blame him for, ignorant as it may be. My background is purely human, and I cannot even begin to fathom how to feign being a true youkai. In many ways, I'm _not_ a youkai."

"What do real youkai act like?"

"I don't know, Gojyo," he said with some impatience, "you're more youkai than I am, in the sense of breeding and learned behavior. Evidently Jojo-san thinks he knows some subtle difference. I've never noticed any such thing."

"Yeah, but it seems weird that they singled you out."

"Based on the behavior they displayed tonight, I'd say they're a rather lowbrow group of thugs, acting more out of foolish passion than tangible facts. I'm not especially concerned with their reasoning."

I blurted out, "You didn't do anything to them, did you?"

Hakkai paused, then turned to me, frowning. "Is that what you think? I wronged them and I deserve this retaliation?"

I shook my head, wishing I could take the words back.

"I didn't do a thing to that man, Gojyo. I smile at him every time I see him, and I always thank him for bagging my groceries the proper way. He lost some money to me when we played cards tonight, but you know better than anyone such a thing isn't personal or malicious. May we go now?"

He started to walk away, and I trailed him half-heartedly.

Hakkai stuck close to the shadows, sharp eyes constantly watching for passerbys, but the streets were emptier than ever.

"Hey…" I said quietly, drawing on my cigarette. "How're we gonna' get your limiters back?"

"I'm going to ask for them. Jojo-san's had his little joke; with any luck he'll be mature enough to hand them over."

"What if he's not?"

Hakkai didn't answer.

"He might not even have them anymore, Hakkai."

"That's possible."

"What then?"

"I'm not sure."  
>"You could probably <em>make<em> him give them back."

"There's no probably about it. So is that what you expect? Me to pull him apart piece by piece until he relents?"

"It just isn't like you to not have a plan."

"Gojyo." He sighed and stopped. "Nothing he's done merits violent retribution."

"He put a gun to your head," I pointed out.

"Yes, and now that you mention it, he punched me. In this form I'm reluctant to fight mere humans over a trifles such as thievery or assault."

That was like him, wasn't it? Hakkai was good at making those distinctions. Casually, I suggested, "I could beat him up for you."

"I don't want you to get shot."

I looked at him. The tenderness and consideration in his voice was real as ever; that tone that said he gave a damn hadn't changed even behind razor-sharp teeth.

He mused, "Come to think of it…they shot at you. Perhaps they do deserve _some_ repercussion for that.

"Well, whatever man. Just don't get too out of control."

Hakkai gave me an indignant, somewhat disbelieving look, then kept walking without a word.

We made it to Jojo's house just at ten. I heard bells in the distance, chiming off the hour, and the night felt colder than ever, but Jojo's house was still lit, and a decorated Christmas tree stood at the window. It was a small place, slightly rundown and beaten by weather, but Christmas lights had been wrapped around the porch banister, and a wreathe hung from the door.

"Ha. Old Jojo celebrates Christmas too, huh?" I looked nervously at Hakkai. "Maybe he's some God-fearing fanatic. Too bad he's royally fucked up _our_ Christmas."

Hakkai looked at me like he wanted to joke back, but he didn't. We'd barely spoken on our way here, and the strange distance I felt between us was making me nervous. "Let's get this over with so we can get back to Goku," he suggested, mounting the steps to knock on the door.

I followed him, a little slower than I would have normally. Those claws could fillet a cow in the blink of an eye, and I didn't want to be in their way if he decided to use them.

Still, he knocked as politely as ever, waited the customary amount of time, and knocked again.

Several minutes passed, and I worried no one would ever answer, and then, at last, I heard the deadbolt unlock, and the door creaked open. A small boy stood there. He had a buzzed head and a dirty face and suspicious eyes. He couldn't be more than nine.

"Ah…" Hakkai stepped back like he'd stepped on a snake. "Ah…forgive me…is your brother home?"

The little guy stared up at him with wide eyes and a quivering lip. He was obviously scared too. I didn't blame him a bit.

Thinking I'd seem less intimidating, I stepped forward. "C'mon, kid, we wanna' talk to your brother."

"I have two," the little guy grumbled defiantly.

"Jojo Shendo. Where's he? Isn't this his house?" I checked the address.

"This is definitely the place," Hakkai confirmed behind me.

The kid gave us another long, mistrustful look, then shouted, "Hey, nii-kun! There's some guys here to see you!"

Somewhere in the house, I heard Jojo's voice answer, "Tell 'em to beat it."

"Damn piece of shit! Hey, Jojo, get your fat ass out here!"

"Go away." The little boy tried to shut the door in my face, but I forced it open.

"Go away!" he yelled again.

"Jojo! I know you're in there! You've got something of ours!" I tried to push my way in, but the kid held the door closed the best he could, standing in my way, screaming and crying, shouting over and over,

"Go away! Go away!"

"Jojo, you coward! You know what we want! Just give 'em back!"

The fat asshole appeared suddenly at the door, his eyes blazing, teeth bared. He startled the hell out of me, grabbed a fistful of my shirt and snarled, "Get out of my house, Gojyo."

"I'm not _in_ your house, you tub of lard! Give us the limiters."

Again, I tried to force my way in.

The kid screamed bloody murder.

"You're scarin' the shit outta' my baby brother, asshole!"

In the other room, I heard an old lady call out, "Shendo, what's happening?"

"You stupid dick! You can't hide in there with your fuckin' family! You _stole_ Hakkai's limiters, now give 'em back so we can leave!"

"It's Christmas!" Jojo roared. "Don't you have the decency not to come beating people's doors down on _Christmas_!"

"What about _you_? You think it's cool to hold guns to people's heads and steal shit and shoot at people on Christmas?"

"You had a knife to my neck. We're even!"

"You stole Hakkai's limiters!" I insisted, louder than ever. "We're _not_ even!"

"Get _off_ my door step!"

"Give me the limiters!"

"They're gone, you dumb fuck! I threw them away."

"So go get them!"

"No!" he yelled, pushing me back, and I slipped on the icy steps, nearly losing my footing. "Don't you get it? They're _gone_! I got rid of them! There is no getting them back!"

"Like hell there's not!" I charged at him.

Hakkai caught my arm. "Gojyo. Gojyo, stop it."

"You're at least gonna' get us some new ones!"

"Bullshit! I ain't gonna' do nothin' for you, punk-ass!"

Behind him, another kid appeared. This one looked close to fourteen, and he had the gun from earlier. "Should I shoot him, Shendo?"

Jojo gave me a dark, toothy smile. "I dunno, maybe I should let him shoot you."

"You sick piece of shit!"

Hakkai grabbed me from behind and pulled me back, hissing in my ear, "Calm down."

"I don't believe for a second this asshole doesn't have the limiters!"

"Well, I don't." Jojo scowled. "I got rid of them. That was the whole point."

"If I may ask," Hakkai said, "_how_ exactly did you get rid of them?"

"I threw them in the gutter. So send your gutter-trash, shit-head boyfriend in after them, Hakkai, 'cause they're gone."

He started to close the door.

I threw myself against it. "Hey!" I didn't know what else to do. I just knew Hakkai had to have the limiters tonight. He probably wouldn't go home without them, not if he knew Goku would be there.

Inside, the kid with the gun asked, louder, "Should I shoot him, Shendo?" He was already aiming the gun at me. His old lady was screaming unintelligibly from the other room.

"Go ahead and shoot me, you dumb punk!" I snarled. "I'm gonna' beat the living shit out of your asshole brother!"

I felt Hakkai grab the hood of my coat. For a second, I thought he'd yank me down the steps and drag me across the street—normally that's what he would do. Instead, he murmured, "Let's go. This is getting us nowhere."

Disbelievingly, I turned to him, "But Hakkai, this dick-"

"Threw my limiters in the gutter. Let's not get shot over it."

He shot Jojo an icy look, and then escorted me down from the porch, three times as carefully as normal.

Behind us, Jojo laughed and sneered, "Merry Christmas, boys!" He slammed the door.

"What now?" I demanded, thinking he must have a plan.

Hakkai sighed, "Now I'll have to start doing my grocery shopping elsewhere. Or at least avoid Jojo-san while I'm in the store."

"Your limiters-"

"They're gone." He started to walk away from me. There was nothing I could do but follow.

We walked around and around for what felt like hours, barely speaking. The night grew colder and colder, and I was running out of cigarettes, but I had no idea how to get Hakkai to go home with me.

"By this time…" he said, "surely Sanzo has taken Goku home. It's just as well. I can't bear to show myself to them this way."

We'd wandered into the town park, where the bare trees looked like black skeletons against the moonlit snow. He sat down heavily on a bench, head hung.

"What difference does it make?" I demanded. "I'm seeing you this way."

"If I'd had any choice in the matter, I never would have let you see me like this either, Gojyo."

I stood a ways away from him and smoked without a word. This was turning out to be a pretty shitty Christmas Eve.

"When Christmas is over, I suppose I'll have to go and purchase new limiters." He shook his head agitatedly. "No. I'll have to send you to do it. If I'm seen in public like this, I'm sure it'll ruin my reputation."

"Who cares about that?" I snapped. "Who gives a fuck about your reputation?"

"Please don't be insensitive just now, Gojyo. Obviously _I_ do."

I stomped my feet. They were freezing. "Can't we go home?"

"Go home. No one's stopping you."

Home sounded so nice right now. Fuck the tree and the fried chicken and all the Christmas cake in the world. Fuck the sake and the beer. I wanted to get out of my wet, cold clothes, take a shower, smoke a cigarette, and go to bed, sleep straight through Christmas, and move on. He'd come home too, eventually, wouldn't he?

I thought it was possible he wouldn't.

"What about you?"

"I'd like to sit here a bit longer."

I waited impatiently. Finished a cigarette and started another.

"You're welcome to go without me," he said coldly. "I'm sure you're eager to get away from me."

"What? Why?"

He turned to me, sounding bitter. "I'm unnerving without my limiters, aren't I? That's no secret."

"You're kinda' freaky," I allowed, but glibly.

"I'm still the same Hakkai you've always known."

"Right, I know."

"Never the less…" He searched my expression. It felt like his yellow eye could see through me. "Perhaps you find yourself, for the first time, considering the way I came to have this form."

"Pfft. C'mon, I'm not that naïve. I know what you did. I-"

"_Knowing_ what I did is a lot different than seeing it. I've always realized that." He sighed again. "I've never thought you'd care to be around me if you had to live with me when I'm like this. You wouldn't have even picked me up that night if you'd stumbled across _this_ body, am I right?"

He stared down at the snow.

In the distance, the bells tolled. It was midnight already, and Goku and Sanzo had definitely eaten all our food and gone home. There was nothing of Christmas Eve left to salvage, and I couldn't help feeling angry over it.

Hakkai went on sullenly, "I admit your tolerant nature astounds me, but even you must have your boundaries, and with the wolf unmasked, I'm not surprised the sheep's blood in you is thrilled with fear."

I felt like I'd been slapped.

"I'm not a sheep," I snapped. "I'm not scared of you."

Hakkai looked sadly at me, practically whispering, "Don't lie to me, please."

We stared at each other a while. A frosty wind blew ruthlessly through the barren, empty park.

Suddenly I felt more idiotic and more cowardly than ever. This guy, whatever else he was, was my best friend. Sanzo was right: being a killer wasn't something you could wear like a badge or a shirt, it was something inside; but I'd _seen_ the choices Hakkai made since we met. I'd seen what he was like when he got up in the morning and when he went to bed. I'd seen what he was like when he was sick, sad, scared, happy, angry, and sympathetic. Every mood, every kind of day, through any weather, and even in the most dire of circumstances, even if everything else around me was changing, one thing was always consistent: I trusted him more than I trusted anyone else.

In my pocket, I clenched the lighter he'd given me last Christmas. It was just a small token of the ways he'd shown me we were honestly friends; it was one thing among many that made me want to be his friend in the first place.

And there was something left of Christmas Eve to salvage after all.

"You're wrong," I said. "I would have picked you up, even if you looked like that."

He snorted skeptically. "Easy to say that now."

"I didn't pick you up because I thought you were a human, Hakkai. I picked you up because…" I relived that melancholy moment with a mixture of pain and relief. "…because you friggin' smiled at me. And I bet anything that goofy smile's the same, even with this freaky face."

Slowly, he smiled, as if to prove I was right. And I was.

I inched closer to him. "Seeing you like this freaks me out a little, yeah, but not enough that I don't even wanna' be near you."

The smile dropped away and he lowered his eyes. "But day after day, Gojyo? Could you wake up to see me like this every day, or come home to me like this every night? You shouldn't even have to."

"Yeah, but you're not askin' me to, right? I'll buy you a new limiter tomorrow, or the day after, or whenever, and stuff'll be fine. Let's just go home, okay?"

He muttered, "It's a fair punishment, isn't it? To be trapped forever in this nightmare of a body…to exist as the very thing I hate….Do I even deserve to wear a limiter?"

"Dude, you're goin' to your dark place. Don't do that."

"As if I can help it."

"C'mon, man, it's Christmas."

"Christmas….Not this year. That overweight slob ruined everything. I'm sorry, Gojyo. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"Just go home. You shouldn't be out here in the wind—you'll catch a fever."

I rolled my eyes, but he was such a machine I doubted he even felt cold now; I was too tired to argue with him anyway, and I didn't know how. Instead, I sat down next to him on the bench and slung my arm around his neck.

His body jerked, like I'd genuinely surprised him. He stared up at me through long, ragged bangs.

"Fine. Sit here and be an emo. I'll catch a fever, and who cares?"

"I do."

"So let's go home. What'dya' think? You can't set foot in there 'cause you look like this? Who even gives a shit how you look? You're not a chick, and that's all I care about. Your limiters won't turn you into a chick either, so fuck them."

Hakkai chuckled half-heartedly. "Gojyo, that was uncommonly homoerotic of you."

"What?" I squawked. "How?"

"Wishing for me to be a woman? Must I explain how that's homoerotic?"

"Yes. Because it sounds totally hetero to me."

He laughed again, but more genuinely, and then he said, "I am sorry I didn't get to celebrate Christmas with Goku. This night has been something of a disaster."

"It's been a hot-fuckin'-mess," I agreed. "Let's go home and forget it."

For a while, he was quiet. I started thinking we'd never get to go home, but I still couldn't leave him.

"You know…" he said softly, "unnerving as it may be, I wouldn't hurt you, even in this form."

A little surprised, I turned to him. "Yeah, I know. Why would you even say that?"

He shook his head. "I noticed…the difference in your behavior after I'd changed. But also…I must admit, I was afraid I might hurt you even by mistake. I don't spend enough time in this state to know my own strength."

"Yeah, well," I snorted, "I'm a little tougher than you give me credit for."

"No," he answered gravely, "I've figured out in the last several years exactly how tough you are. Not to say it isn't impressive, but you're not indestructible. Sometimes I wish you were."

"You're not either, Hakkai."

"Yes…I suppose that's true."

Across the park, a voice called my name.

We both looked up.

"Was that Sanzo?" I asked, hair standing on end.

"What on earth is he doing out here?" Hakkai murmured.

Sanzo appeared at the edge of the park, pale as a ghost in the darkness, and I barely made out the hazy smoke of his cigarette. He stood there looking at us.

Slowly, I got to my feet.

"Go find out what he wants, won't you, Gojyo?"

I was interested to see how Sanzo would react to Hakkai's youkai form. Would he be scared? "Just come talk to him."

A jerky shake of the head was my only answer, and as stubborn as he'd been acting, I doubted I'd be able to change his mind, so I slouched across the park, alone, collar turned up against the wind, hands shoved deep in my pockets.

Sanzo stood so still as he waited for me, I expected him to vanish into the night before I reached him, but in a matter of moments we stood face to face.

"What're you doing out here, man? It's really damn cold." He was dressed in the same robes as usual, and his hair hung damply in his face, but he didn't looked as pissed off as I thought he would.

"Looking for you, dipshit." He jerked his chin at Hakkai. "And him. We've been waiting for your sorry asses to show up all night, now I want to know what the hold up is."

"What? I told you to go home if it took us too long."

"You didn't explain why." He fixed a serious, critical eye on me.

"I didn't have to."

"I don't give a damn what you think about explaining yourself to me," he sniffed. "But Goku waited all day for this—he's talked about it for weeks—you could have at least told _him_ something."

Speechlessly, I stared at him. I hadn't thought to tell the kid anything. I hadn't considered that he'd be disappointed.

Sanzo looked over my shoulder to study Hakkai, and I turned back to see him sitting with his head resting heavily in his hands. Even from here his dazzling claws and long ears were obvious, and his youkai energy couldn't be masked. "We didn't mean to….we woulda' been there…we're having some serious issues."

Snorting and rolling his eyes, Sanzo grumbled, "You two have gotten cocky, you know that? Your reputation as a pair of punks is all over this mountain-"

"That's kinda' _your_ fault, Sanzo. We both told you we didn't want to do your dirty work."

"-I _know_ I've played my part in it," he snapped, "and I'm not sorry. But no matter how tough you guys think you are, you _can't_ handle _everything_ alone." Harshly, he grabbed my wrist and shoved something into my hand. "If you needed my help, you should have said so, instead of wasting my time with all your idiotic questions about morality."

"He _asked_ me not to tell you."

Sanzo sighed. "You're a loyal, little bastard, Gojyo, I've already seen that—you don't have to prove it—but you're a dumb ass. You could be a halfway decent person if you ever thought to pair your loyalty with some discernment or logic."

Hot damn. The spirit of Christmas was even affecting Sanzo. That was suspiciously close to a compliment. Enough to keep me from arguing with him anyway. I opened my hand to look at what he'd given me.

Three silver ear cuffs sparkled on my palm.

"But…how'd you get these back?"

"Back? I've had those for two years."

I looked at him again. "Why?"

"See what a dumb ass you are? It's painful. Why do you _think_? A better question is, why doesn't _Hakkai_ have a spare set? Why don't _you_? He's too powerful to go around without them and still live the life he's trying to lead." He let that sink in before asking, "Am I wrong?"

"No…you're right."

Hakkai might be okay with a job as a hired assassin, but a school teacher? Jojo was right to think being seen around town without his limiters would ruin his reputation in this town.

"You're goddamn right I am. Now give those to him so we can all go home and eat."

"You guys didn't eat without us? I said you could."

Sanzo sighed like my stupidity was too painful to favor with a response, and turned to walk back the way he'd come.

"Thanks, man," I murmured.

I took the limiters back to Hakkai. He was shocked as hell to have them, but he put them on quickly, reverting to his human form immediately, and stood up, asking question after question about where they'd come from. Sheepishly, I told him Sanzo had them all along, and I felt dumb for not telling Sanzo what had happened in the first place. We could have been home hours ago.

Together, we headed home.

"I feel terrible they've been waiting all this time," Hakkai exclaimed, walking briskly.

"Well, nobody _made_ them."

Still, they hadn't wanted to do Christmas without us. They'd wanted to help us, even though they didn't know what was going on exactly. Had I misjudged Sanzo all this time, or was it all part of keeping an eye on Hakkai? According to him, he had an obligation to watch both Goku and Hakkai; he'd told me once I wasn't his responsibility or his friend, and even if he didn't mean it, those words had been hard to get out of my head. Tonight I wasn't sure what to make of anything Sanzo had ever said.

"I'll be glad to get home," Hakkai said as we entered the woods. "I'm indescribably tired and cold."

I felt like I'd never dried off from rolling in the snow with Jojo.

"It might be ambitious to decorate the tree now, but we can at least eat and exchange our gifts."

"Gifts…" I echoed. I'd completely forgotten that after everything that happened. Now I definitely didn't have anything to give Hakkai or Goku, and to make things worse, now I even felt like I should have something for Sanzo. "Dude…Hakkai…I forgot all about Christmas until like yesterday."

He answered evenly, "I can't imagine how you managed that, Gojyo, when I've been decorating and making plans with Goku for several weeks."

"Yeah…I know…I guess I knew it was coming, I just didn't realize it was coming so fast."

"A result of spending half your time inebriated, I'm sure."

Uncertainly, I glanced at him. Was he mad? I'd be mad if I were him and I spent all my time cooking and cleaning and picking up my slack, and then Christmas rolled around and I didn't even get him something in return.

"Maybe. I dunno, but I totally spaced it, and I'm really sorry; I didn't get you…anything."

Hakkai stopped suddenly and looked gravely into my eyes.

"Sorry, 'Kai," I repeated quietly.

"Why?"

Lamely, I shrugged. "Like I said…I didn't get you anything."

"There's no reason to be sorry—we went through this last year—I don't expect you to give me anything."

"You expect me to forget."

"No," he insisted. "I don't think about it at all. It never crosses my mind, these thoughts of 'I wonder what Gojyo got me' or 'I bet that silly ass forgot all about it'. It isn't the least bit important if you remember."

Stunned, I asked, "Um…really? It's not? I thought Christmas was kinda'…all about that shit."

"Not to me. I don't care about gifts—I've never been highly materialistic—I don't care if you remember or forget, I only care that you're willing to be around me. I care very, very deeply that on nights like this, when everything goes unexpectedly to hell in the proverbial hand basket, I have the security of knowing Gojyo will help me."

I drew slowly on my cigarette. "It's not like I did anything."

"That's not necessarily true. Perhaps you don't understand how distressing this episode has been for me…but regardless of if you do or not, what's important to me has nothing to do with the things you do or don't do. Don't you suppose I'm aware of the fact that you _never_ clean, never pull your own weight, sleep until noon every day, wake me up at five when you come home drunk…I'm aware of your faults, Gojyo, and I look past them. I don't wake up in the morning and say, 'Gojyo doesn't help, but he _does_ do this and that, so he's worth having as a room mate'. I wake up and say, 'Thank heaven's Gojyo's passed out drunk in the other room and I have the normalcy of doing his laundry and making lunch for him'."

I looked speechlessly at him. He'd never put it to me that way, so bluntly and forcefully. I didn't understand the upside to any of that—he was right, I was a lazy, good-for-nothing fuck.

He held my gaze and said firmly, "Your mere presence in my life is far more valuable to me than having a fully functional, highly mature, responsible room mate. Not everyone would support me the way you support me, just like not everyone would have saved my life that night. And the most astonishing part is, _you don't even realize you support me._ You wake up every day, out of your drunken stupor, and stumble through life in the most haphazard, slipshod manner I've ever seen, and you don't think for a moment that you're doing anything for me.

"Well, that's how I feel about the gifts, Gojyo. I don't give them a moment's consideration, because I'm far too absorbed with my gratitude that you don't lose patience with my inexcusable attitude and kick me out of your house.

"I hope you _never_ give me any presents!" he shouted suddenly. He was really getting emotional, so that shit that happened with his limiters must have _really_ upset him more than I thought. "Because I can't afford to be in your debt any more than I am right now!"

"Okay, man," I said at last, quietly. "Okay. No presents. Ever."

Still, his eyes were wild with emotions, and I was a little worried he'd burst into tears.

"Relax, 'Kai-"

Without warning, he stepped forward and grabbed the back of my neck, leaned in to rest his forehead against mine. Shakily, he said, "You were afraid tonight—you don't have to admit it, that's fine—you had every right to be, because I _am_ a monster. But you didn't run away from me…you didn't abandon me. You did everything in your power to help. Don't you understand how valuable that quality is in this uncaring world of ours?"

After all the people I'd known who'd run away or abandon their friends…?

Slowly, I nodded.

Gradually, he let me go and we kept walking.

"Goku may whine some," he said in a while, sounding composed again, "that you didn't get him anything, I mean. Some day though, he'll be as glad as I am to have you on his side, and he'll be just as content to put up with your insensitive, negligent behavior as I feel now."

To lighten the mood, I teased, "So that means you're gonna' stop nagging at me, right?"

Unexpectedly, Hakkai laughed. "No, I don't think so. Never."

At home, Goku and Sanzo were waiting for us. I expected them both to bitch that we were more than five hours late, but they both acted like we were right on time. Goku hurried to Hakkai's side and gave him a hug, grinning from ear to ear. The little monkey wasn't so dumb, I decided; his relief was clear in his eyes.

Hakkai apologized for the delay, and then murmured a quiet 'thank-you' to Sanzo under his breath.

First we both changed into dry clothes, and then we ate cold fried chicken. After that, even though it was late, Goku wanted to decorate the tree, and Sanzo said he didn't want to wait all this time for nothing, so Hakkai put a flask of sake on to heat, and started some Christmas music. He and Goku did most of the decorating while Sanzo and I sat around watching, drinking, and smoking; once the lights and ropes were on, they _did_ convince me to help them put some ornaments on. I'd never done that before, not even when I was a kid, so even though I acted too cool to help, I felt grateful to be included. Besides, they were short and needed help hanging things near the top.

When we'd finished, we turned off the rest of the lights and looked at our tree a while. I'd had at least a whole flask of sake by then, and I felt warm and content. Never in my life did I think, even for a second, I'd be eating Christmas cake and decorating a tree with other people like we were friends—like we were _family._

"It's so pretty…" Goku whispered.

Sanzo snorted, "It's lopsided."

"Oh, no, Sanzo," Hakkai argued cheerfully, "it just isn't standing quite straight."

"How is that better?"

"It isn't." Hakkai smiled. His mood had turned all the way around since our walk home.

I looked at the others, noticing they all looked as content as I felt. Goku and Hakkai were both smiling, and even Sanzo wore a peaceful, unbothered expression. I realized they must all feel the way I did. Like they were part of something for the first time.

"Presents!" Goku shouted suddenly, jumping to his feet.

"Careful, monkey," Sanzo grumbled. "You almost made me slosh my sake."

The monkey gathered an armful of packages from the other side of the room and shoved one at each of us. The wrapping paper looked crumpled and wrinkled and was torn and taped back together in some places, but I decided not to make fun of him. He'd done more than I did. Each present had a homemade card stuck to it, and inside the crappy wrapping were ornaments he'd made himself out of twigs, paper, rocks and things most people would consider trash, like bottle caps and tabs off of beer cans, but they were painted in Christmas colors, and they were true to Goku. He only gave us a second to look at them before snatching them back and hanging them on the tree, since that was their one and only purpose.

"Very thoughtful, Goku," Hakkai laughed. "Thank-you."

Next, he handed out his presents. They were a lot better wrapped than Goku's had been, in colorful, foil paper, with perfect creases and professional-looking ribbons and bows. Of course, he'd gotten everybody something practical: a cigarette case for Sanzo—because he always bought soft packs—gloves and a coat—because he always went around in nothing but paper-thin robes; study workbooks of grammar, Math, and Chinese History for Goku—because he'd improved so much in the last year—and a couple boxes of candy; an alarm clock for me—even though he said I wasn't expected to use it—and a set of shot glasses—because, supposedly, I'd recently broken the only two I had, and he was tired of watching me drink directly from the bottle like a bitter old man…

Then, to my shock and disbelief, Sanzo handed out presents too. They weren't wrapped, but at least he'd brought them. He gave Hakkai some dusty book on ancient scrolls or Buddhism or something, which looked mondo boring, but they talked about it forever like it was super fascinating. Apparently he'd already given Goku his present by taking him out to a huge lunch earlier in the day, but the kid babbled like it was the best thing he'd eaten in decades.

Grunting, Sanzo nudged me and wordlessly handed me a pack of unopened Hi-Lites. I was too astonished to do anything except stare at him, until Hakkai prompted me to say thank-you.

When Hakkai praised his thoughtfulness for the gifts, Sanzo just grumbled, "Goku insisted."

"Well, yeah!" Goku sat up on the arm of the couch, already eating the candy Hakkai gave him. "Who comes to Christmas Eve without presents?"

"Me," I muttered uneventfully. "Sorry, guys."

Sanzo huffed, "You. Nobody expects anything from you."

I glared at him, but Goku kicked me lightly in the ribs, laughing. "Yeah. Anything you'd get us would suck."

"Would not. It'd be awesome."

"In that case, you might remember next year." Hakkai smiled.

"But _you_ said-"

Sanzo interrupted, "I'm surprised you're not passing out the crap in your pockets just so it doesn't seem like you forgot."

My face turned warm. "I wouldn't do that, asshole!"

"Yeah right. I bet you at least _thought _about it at some point tonight."

"Nuh-uh! Fine! I'll take you all out to dinner, how's that?"

"When?" Goku demanded, grinning impishly.

"As…soon as I get some money."

"Right." Sanzo snorted. "So right after you get a job."

Hakkai pulled his day planner out of nowhere. "Then, shall we say, oh, I don't know…twenty Christmas Eves from now?"

"Hey! I don't need a job to-"

"It would certainly help though, wouldn't it? Perhaps a part-time position at the grocery store. I can think of a certain bagger who may go missing soon." He smiled at me.

"No." Sanzo decided dryly. "It's easier not expecting anything from him."

"That way nobody gets disappointed," Goku agreed, pushing playfully on the back of my head.

"Next year!" I yelled, getting up and pointing at them. "Next year, you'll have to take all this mean shit back, 'cause I'm getting you all such _sick_ presents you're gonna' feel super sorry for making fun of me!"

"Better start shopping now," Sanzo said, in the same stoic tone, "or you'll forget."

Hakkai and Goku laughed.

"Dicks," I grumbled.

"Now, now, Gojyo, don't sulk," Hakkai scolded, still laughing. "I'm sure having _you_ here for Christmas is enough for everyone."

"Feh." Sanzo sniffed, "It's _too_ much." Then he got up. "We should leave—it's getting late, and I can't take much more of this heathenism."

"Yeah." Goku scooted to the door after him, lugging his presents and winking at us. "We're all s'posed ta' be 'holdin' nothin', guys."

I laughed. "Hey, that's a pretty good joke, monkey."

Still laughing, he and Hakkai said their last goodbyes and thanks, and then Sanzo and Goku were gone.

I scowled at my room mate.

"Well," he chuckled. "I didn't say no one would _notice_."

"Yeah, but you coulda' told me Sanzo was bringing presents too."

"I had no idea he'd be struck with such sudden generosity. Furthermore, it wouldn't have changed the fact that you came ill-prepared."

"Yeah…but still…"

"No one cares, Gojyo," he assured. "We're not a terribly traditional group, to say the least."

"_Still_!"

He frowned suddenly. "Do you really feel that bad about it?"

"Well…yeah. I mean, even _Sanzo_ brought presents."

"Yes, I see…"

"He's a Buddhist _monk_! They don't even do that kinda' shit."

"You're right. That's true. I'm sorry, Gojyo, I hardly know what to tell you, except…"

"Except what?"

Hakkai laughed again. "There's always next year."

Rolling my eyes, I flopped back onto the couch. "Yeah, yeah, it's starting to look like it, huh?"

Still smiling, he stood there, toying with his limiter cuffs. "Oh, yes. And I just thought of something you can get me next year. I can hardly believe I've never thought to purchase a back-up set…though, I must admit I never thought I'd need them. It's not as if I remove them often."

"Your limiters?"

"What else? Think of the trouble we might have been spared if it had been a matter of going home to get the extras."

Slowly, I broke into a grin. "Prince Albert, baby. I'm tellin' you, nobody would ever know."

"There you go being homoerotic again."

"It's not homoerotic. Dick piercings are the shit."

It was his turn to roll his eyes. "The things that come out of your mouth, Sha Gojyo."

I chuckled. "In all seriousness though. Back up limiter cuffs—got it; it's on my list. No more of this standing in the snow for five hours bullshit. Next time we'll be prepared." I reached out for a fist bump.

Smiling, he touched his knuckles to mine. "Hopefully there will never be a next time."

Thinking back on scary-ass youkai Hakkai, I couldn't agree more. "Anyway, even if there _is_, I got your back."

"There, you see? It's just as I said earlier: I don't even _need_ the Christmas presents."

"Yeah." I grinned again. Sanzo bailed us out tonight anyway. I hadn't expected that, but maybe I should have. It seemed dumb now, even if it was only because Hakkai had told me not to say anything, but if I _had_ told the others, of course they would have helped us. What else would they have done? And then, when I thought about the night, and hanging out with the guys around the Christmas tree, joking and giving each other crap we didn't really need, I realized this must be kinda' what it felt like to have a family.

"Know what, 'Kai? Me neither."


End file.
